Dear Papa Bear,
I will try to keep this short as I can I promise. I live with Asperger’s Syndrome and Bipolar disorder(Amongst other things). I met my current mate and husband four years ago.
It was my first real experience going on a date. Through our four years we've had quite a lot of trouble. Mostly because I was not on medication for a while and would go crazy now and then. (One point after a fight I took the rent money and went off to Texas).
Anyhow, he understands that I wasn't really able to control myself in these situations. We both love each other dearly. I do what I can to support him. When he had his workers comp issues going on for over a year I helped with all the paperwork. Medical info. Even stayed many nights in the hospital with him.
But recently in the past year he has gotten to points where apparently he can't tolerate my autism and bipolar anymore. In march after we got married, he asked for a separation. So I went to live with my father for about four months.
Now for me I'm very confused about a lot of concepts. I thought that separation meant you take a break for a bit, but aren’t really broken up. He thought otherwise apparently. I barely had my foot out the door before he was lying in bed with a fursuiter that he knew I couldn't stand. (I had an issue with the fact my mate was far more into suiters than he ever would be to me. He would spend 3 hours in bed with a suiter and maybe 10 minutes with me).
I only found this out because he turned suicidal around April and I had to take him to the hospital. I saw him everyday, and he had given me his wallet to hold onto. Found a business card for a hotel I know we'd never been to and he explained a lot.
Said he went to see the suiter, and hooked up with a guy on craigslist. On top of the fact he finally revealed to me he faked the fall at work. His injuries were real, but he faked the fall.
Come July we move back in together. In August we go to not only my first fur con, but our first fur con together as a couple.
I was a very sheltered kid growing up, I didn't know much about the kind of social interaction that would go on at a convention.
My mate was clearly recognizable from....well a certain adult sight. So there were several other lions there that were hitting on him, getting a little to close for my comfort. What really hurt was the night of the dead dog dance, he had paid for a dance with a suiter at the charity auction.
The suiter recognized my mates suit, and said to him he wanted to dirty dance. My mate comes up to me and says the guy wants to dirty dance and they go and do it. He doesn't ask if I'm alright with it or not. IT was...a very shocking experience.
A month later, he comes home from work for lunch and says to me "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." I move out on my own to Indiana, where I can afford rent on disability.
Couple weeks in I turn suicidal go to the hospital. The day I come back I go on FA and find a journal that someone he met at the convention was flying out to spend a week with him. Obviously I....lets just say I wasn't pleased.
I end up going to the hospital again, and on a very tearful phone call we decide to get back together.
So now I'm back with him, and I don't know if truthfully I should be.
Should I stay with someone, who I believe feels its justifiable if you get tired of your mate, to kick him out for a bit and go hang with a new boy toy?
* * *
I’m glad you wrote Papabear to get a little perspective. When our emotions are lodged in our throats, it can be difficult to have an objective view on a relationship.
I’ll be direct: the short answer is no, Papabear doesn’t believe this guy is for you. It’s okay to love him, to cherish him as a friend, but the two of you have physical and emotional needs that are too far out of whack to promise anything better than a turbulent partnership.
I mean, a guy who tells you straight up, “I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you” is not good mate material, don’t you think? Papabear has no objections to his loving fursuiters and enjoying playing around, but that is only okay if you are okay with it, too. Open relationships and polyamory can work, and I’ve seen them work, but both partners have to agree to it.
Ryver, you need someone in your life who wants a romantic, monogamous relationship and who loves you no matter what your flaws might be. This guy ain’t it.
You might be clinging to him because you don’t think anyone will love you the way he does. You might be suffering from low self-esteem that makes you believe, “He’s not great, but I can’t do better than this.” Bullshit. You might not thing so now, but there are nice guys out there who would love a faithful, loving partner like yourself and will stand by your side even with your medical issues.
Time to have a calm discussion with your current mate and tell him that you want something more in life than he has to offer.
I wish you luck and love,
1/16/2013 06:44:04 am
I hope you don't mind me saying something. I myself have Aspergers and bipolar. Daily stress and some emotions are often times difficult enough to process but combined with the stress you are recieving can be very hazordous to your health and lead to numerous sensory and mental overloads. I agree with Papa Bear in finding a new relationship however I do want to recomend when starting a new relationship to make sure your new mate knows as much as possible about the autism spectum. Make sure he knows that its a posotive thing and can be worked with easily. I say this because I have seen so many in the autism and aspergers comunity get burned because their partner does not understand their different abilitys and limitations or believes in the many false rumors. Also make sure your partner does not treat you differently because you have Aspergers and Bipolar. Making accomidations for any sensativities is fine. However if he goes too far make sure he knows that your not disabled you're just differently abled.
1/16/2013 10:01:47 am
Good input, Vosia! Thanks!
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