Dear Papabear,
Finally decided to come up and ask a question. I'll ask it here, and let you ponder it a minute, before I continue on. What do you do when you fall for the wrong people, at the wrong times, when every relationship seems to end, and you're not sure whether it's because of you or something else?
For example, my first relationship was with an in the closet gay male. Myself, I was out. But It was hard for me to see him avoiding me in public, only to try and console me in private. I realized he had problems admitting it at the time, but he refused to even accept a hug in public, and I glomp random friends all the time! I ... ended that one. I think it's because of that I had worse luck.
For any people reading this, and who think it's a great Idea? I'll get out of my parents house and in with my boyfriend/girlfriend! I have to tell you, that that's a terrible idea. It leaves you dependent on them. I had a job thankfully at the time, but minimum wage isn't that much when you're on your own. But I guess that wasn't the problem with that one, or was it.. I love to hug, socialize, to hear a word of praise, a good job, every now and then. But I don't think he did, or at least not to the extent that I did. I lost that relationship as well, apparently acting like a child.
Left homeless, I refused to go back home, and used money from my job, to greyhound to the location of another male. This was a bad Idea, as I was left in a hotel for the first night. And the next. And the next. I drained my wallet and it was only by the good grace of the local church that I got enough money to get out of there. But I didn't learn. Gods I didn't learn. I wish I had.
I was left homeless as soon as I got there. There being after another relationship. I was suddenly told, that the male was already mated. For the first 3 days I lived in a halfway house, yes. But after that? I was subjected to the true wonders of being homeless. Not knowing where I was going to get my next meal from. Super-religious hotel roommates thinking I was possessed. And despite how my parents called, I refused to come home. I visited the male I had come down to see, and my heart yowled every time. But then.. Then I just couldn't anymore. I was dirty, sick, I had nearly died 3 times. And not once in those did that male ever come to see me.
I came home. And I'm enlisting in the military. So Papabear? What do I do when I pick guys like that?
From,
Anar
* * *
Dear Anar,
It isn’t you in the sense that you are a bad person who gets rejected by boyfriends, but the problem is you in the sense that you are going about it in the wrong way.
Let’s start with that first relationship with the closeted guy. My first boyfriend was closeted too, and he lived with his homophobic father. I really liked him a lot, but he would not move out of his father’s place and he was not openly gay, so it was really hard. One time, I was riding in the passenger seat in his car and we were holding hands. Suddenly, he thought he spotted his dad’s car behind us and, even though there was no way he could have seen it, he immediately released my paw. After that, when I realized I’d have to wait until his father died so we could be together, I broke it off.
Two types of guys who usually don’t work out in relationships: closeted (you can never openly express your love, which puts a real kink in things) and those who are cheating on their partners with you (my previous mate was royally screwed by someone like that).
With the next two guys you mention, it sounds like you leaped into the situation without looking first, or, as you said, "I glomp random friends": with the first one, sounds like you jumped on a greyhound bus assuming he’d let you live with him right away only to find out differently; the second one didn’t even tell you he was mated already. In both cases, the lesson to be learned is that you don’t jump into a full-blown relationship without first getting to know the other person really well. You seemed to figure that out with the lesson about not trying to move in with a guy when you aren’t financially independent, but then you goofed when you ran into the arms of a guy who was not mate material because he was already mated.
The only thing that makes me a little nervous about you right now is that you could be enlisting in the military for the wrong reasons. You sound like an impulsive person who leaps from situation to situation. If you haven’t already enlisted, I would strongly suggest you take a deeeeeeeeep breath and think long and hard about what you are doing. If you are joining the military because you had bad relationship experiences, then that is a bad idea; the correct reason to join the military is that you have a strong love for and sense of duty for your country. What is the answer to that, Anar?
You sound like a very nice person. Affectionate and kind. But you are too impulsive. You are like a young Luke Skywalker flashing his light saber before he thinks about what might happen when he encounters the demon living under the tree in Yoda’s home world.
Slow down. Think about what you are going to do before you do it. Get to know people before you become intimate with them or commit yourself to them.
I think these words of advice may help you.
Good luck! Bear Hugs!
Papabear
Finally decided to come up and ask a question. I'll ask it here, and let you ponder it a minute, before I continue on. What do you do when you fall for the wrong people, at the wrong times, when every relationship seems to end, and you're not sure whether it's because of you or something else?
For example, my first relationship was with an in the closet gay male. Myself, I was out. But It was hard for me to see him avoiding me in public, only to try and console me in private. I realized he had problems admitting it at the time, but he refused to even accept a hug in public, and I glomp random friends all the time! I ... ended that one. I think it's because of that I had worse luck.
For any people reading this, and who think it's a great Idea? I'll get out of my parents house and in with my boyfriend/girlfriend! I have to tell you, that that's a terrible idea. It leaves you dependent on them. I had a job thankfully at the time, but minimum wage isn't that much when you're on your own. But I guess that wasn't the problem with that one, or was it.. I love to hug, socialize, to hear a word of praise, a good job, every now and then. But I don't think he did, or at least not to the extent that I did. I lost that relationship as well, apparently acting like a child.
Left homeless, I refused to go back home, and used money from my job, to greyhound to the location of another male. This was a bad Idea, as I was left in a hotel for the first night. And the next. And the next. I drained my wallet and it was only by the good grace of the local church that I got enough money to get out of there. But I didn't learn. Gods I didn't learn. I wish I had.
I was left homeless as soon as I got there. There being after another relationship. I was suddenly told, that the male was already mated. For the first 3 days I lived in a halfway house, yes. But after that? I was subjected to the true wonders of being homeless. Not knowing where I was going to get my next meal from. Super-religious hotel roommates thinking I was possessed. And despite how my parents called, I refused to come home. I visited the male I had come down to see, and my heart yowled every time. But then.. Then I just couldn't anymore. I was dirty, sick, I had nearly died 3 times. And not once in those did that male ever come to see me.
I came home. And I'm enlisting in the military. So Papabear? What do I do when I pick guys like that?
From,
Anar
* * *
Dear Anar,
It isn’t you in the sense that you are a bad person who gets rejected by boyfriends, but the problem is you in the sense that you are going about it in the wrong way.
Let’s start with that first relationship with the closeted guy. My first boyfriend was closeted too, and he lived with his homophobic father. I really liked him a lot, but he would not move out of his father’s place and he was not openly gay, so it was really hard. One time, I was riding in the passenger seat in his car and we were holding hands. Suddenly, he thought he spotted his dad’s car behind us and, even though there was no way he could have seen it, he immediately released my paw. After that, when I realized I’d have to wait until his father died so we could be together, I broke it off.
Two types of guys who usually don’t work out in relationships: closeted (you can never openly express your love, which puts a real kink in things) and those who are cheating on their partners with you (my previous mate was royally screwed by someone like that).
With the next two guys you mention, it sounds like you leaped into the situation without looking first, or, as you said, "I glomp random friends": with the first one, sounds like you jumped on a greyhound bus assuming he’d let you live with him right away only to find out differently; the second one didn’t even tell you he was mated already. In both cases, the lesson to be learned is that you don’t jump into a full-blown relationship without first getting to know the other person really well. You seemed to figure that out with the lesson about not trying to move in with a guy when you aren’t financially independent, but then you goofed when you ran into the arms of a guy who was not mate material because he was already mated.
The only thing that makes me a little nervous about you right now is that you could be enlisting in the military for the wrong reasons. You sound like an impulsive person who leaps from situation to situation. If you haven’t already enlisted, I would strongly suggest you take a deeeeeeeeep breath and think long and hard about what you are doing. If you are joining the military because you had bad relationship experiences, then that is a bad idea; the correct reason to join the military is that you have a strong love for and sense of duty for your country. What is the answer to that, Anar?
You sound like a very nice person. Affectionate and kind. But you are too impulsive. You are like a young Luke Skywalker flashing his light saber before he thinks about what might happen when he encounters the demon living under the tree in Yoda’s home world.
Slow down. Think about what you are going to do before you do it. Get to know people before you become intimate with them or commit yourself to them.
I think these words of advice may help you.
Good luck! Bear Hugs!
Papabear
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