Hey PB. 

I've been a pretty active furry for the past few years, and it's brought me a lot of joy. I love the acceptance and overwhelming positivity. Now, when I bring up my issue, I'm gonna avoid names(I'll use OC names), and not get too personal, but I'll try to make it understandable. I recently went through an argument with a lot of my friends. I broke up with my friends, Cinder, TK, and Peck. Right now the people sticking by me are my friends Velvet, Muffy, and Zip. Now, as you may be familiar, teen friend break ups can be quite emotional and dramatic. I've been pretty down in the dumps lately, especially since Peck tried to convince me everyone hated me, and once TK tried to convince my buddy Ash not to be friends with me anymore. One of the things that really pulls me through how awful drama is, is furry. I wear a pair of ears attached to a headband, and a tail attached to my belt every day, and they always make me feel more unique, especially when people say I look cute or say the tail is so soft and adorable.

​But, with the positive people, also comes the negatives. I was working on a project in class while this kid kept pestering me asking "how do you make a furry?" He was really asking how to make my tail, as he didn't understand any fursuiting terms. Though I explained, it became clear quick that he was just setting up a punchline at my expense. Then, when I was getting ready to play my instrument at a pep rally, a trumpet player standing being me pulls my tail. I reflexively looked back, and typically as they always do, he blamed it on someone else. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. Then another kid grabbed my tail with both hands and yanked it enough to pull my pants waistband a solid centimeter away from my body. I turned around and got in his face, then politely asked him to refrain. He just repeatedly yelled. "Guys help! I'm being beat up by a furry." I gave up. After two more tail pulls, one almost knocking me to the ground, they gave up because I stopped reacting. I'm tired of this. I just wish I could cope using the one thing that makes me happy without getting constantly bullied for it. I'm considering not wearing them anymore, but I don't want to have to change who I am when it shouldn't be an issue and the first place. I'm so confused. How can I express the things that make me happy if I'm just going to get bullied for it?

Thank you so much for reading, sorry if this is unorganized.

Osh (age 13)

* * *

Dear Osh,

You are learning a sad truth about human society: humans want conformity, not individuality. Oh, sure, in America we say that we are for freedom of expression and we are for people being individuals, but in practice, it isn't true. You might notice that although most schools do not have uniforms, there is still a code of how you should dress, as well as act, at school in order to be accepted by your peers.

Osh, there is a time and place for everything. If you don't want to be molested at school, you are going to have to wear the ears and tail elsewhere, because no matter what you do, you are going to get bullied. That is just a fact of life. And it doesn't matter if you complain to the principal's office because they will likely do nothing much about it (unless you are actually hurt physically). They might even tell you to put away the ears and tail, as I am now doing.

Does it suck? Yeah, it sure does. I once had a young girl write to me and tell me about a day at school when her teacher said you can dress up as whatever you would like to be. Encouraged, she put on her furry gear and showed up at class. You know what they did? They took her to the school psychiatrist's office.

And that's how mundanes are. Conformists. Hypocrites. And, often, bullies.

And that is why those in the furry community have furmeets and furcons. Those are the places we go where we can be ourselves.

I would suggest you try and find some like-minded furries your age at school and host a little gathering at your home (with parental approval, of course).

Sorry for the bad news, but it is a lesson you will have to learn in life.

Hugs,
Papabear 
​

Hi there, Papa!

Before we'd begin, I'd like to apologize in advance if someone before me has already asked this question: as a furry, how do I go about making friends in a society that is presumably intolerable to my hobby?

I am about to go to high school, one that's religious and strict and uniformed. There's no way out of it. My parents have made up their minds. They figure that since my older sister (who attended there previously) took a liking to the school, that I would as well. But frankly, I'm the opposite of my sister. Analytical, logical, judging, academically intelligent? No. Think imaginative, idealistic, perceptive, emotionally in-tune. Ballet, AP classes, student leadership with friends? Nah. Try art, meditation, and hiking through nature alone. We have the super intelligent, friendly, and funny computer science nerd, and the overly-artistic and weirdly antisocial "hippie" furry girl. And this girl's being sent to a strict, dare I say it, posh Catholic school with high expectations and low tolerance for anything that is considered "weird."

I know that people aren't always going to be as accepting and open-minded as I am, but I am currently being plunged into a strict world with strict, uptight, unaccepting people. I remember once bringing up a conversation with one of my potential future classmates and sprinkling in some of my hobbies and interests (excluding furry). And just from that, they were appalled. As were the other students I tried to connect with. They didn't even have to speak necessarily; I could tell from their body language and facial expressions that they were very uncomfortable, maybe even freaked out that I do things like meditate instead of shop at the mall, and draw and write stories instead of doing sports or extra academic classes. Granted, these were not art students. But then even when I spoke with more artsy students like me, they thought my ideas were far too weird, and that my creative and pondering imagination had no off-switch. I suppose that's true, but I never really wanted to hit an off-switch. I like my imagination. And yes, I tried very hard to appeal to their better nature and to make a connection, but nothing really worked. Either I'm too weird for them, or they're too sophisticated for me. I don't know.

Needless to say, I didn't dare bring up furry.

So I was wondering if you had any tips or pointers to reaching out to these frankly intimidating people. Usually I'm able to connect with most people in an instant, whether or not they like me. I have this weird ability to tell what people are like when I meet them from the way they move, talk, behave, etc. I get vibes from them. I call it my "Spidey-Sense." But I am embarrassed to admit that I was unable to connect with any of these people. When I spoke to them, all I could see and hear and feel was pretty generic. I couldn't really detect much personality in these people, no offense to them. They just didn't seem to really care, you know?

I apologize. I sometimes have trouble describing what I mean. It would be so much easier for me to communicate if my heart and mind would speak for my mouth.

Anyways, I'm just not sure what to do. I'm already a weird person, with or without the furry hobby. I had so much trouble just speaking with these students and staff, I have no idea how I'm going to try to make friends. Please, if you have any tips or pointers or suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. I'm open to any ideas.

Thank you.

Turquoise
 
* * *
 
Hi, Turquoise,
 
Let’s set aside the whole furry thing for a moment because what we are talking about here is bigger than just your interest in things furry: it is about the conflict between our need to be accepted by others and our need to be our true selves.
 
A wise man named Henry David Thoreau said, “Be yourself—not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be.” Human beings strive to assimilate because they are social creatures who find strength and comfort from being part of a group. Unfortunately, when that group’s standards differ from one’s own, an inner conflict arises—a dissonance in the soul that makes us deeply unhappy. This is what you are going through right now.
 
The problem starts because your parents are treating you like your sister, even though the two of you are very different individuals. A good place to start, then, would be to approach your parents and ask them if they would consider sending you to a different school. Explain to them that you feel your sister’s school, while it might be quite excellent academically, is more designed toward mathy, sciency types, but you are more artistic and would like to go to a school that is more geared toward the arts. I don’t know how open your parents are to talking to their children, but I’m wondering if you have even considered letting them know how you feel about this school? Perhaps, if they are open minded, they will listen and, not knowing before how you felt, will try and find something else for you. If so, then perhaps problem solved.
 
If not, and they make you go to this school anyway, then I suggest you look at the broad picture: it is more important to be who you are than it is to assimilate (unless you are a Borg, who are such charming people, yes?), even if that means you will be friendless. Going back to Thoreau, he once said he would rather sit alone on a pumpkin than sit with a lot of people on a velvet cushion. It’s better to reject the materialistic trappings of society and be an individual.
 
The number one reason I hear from furries as to why they are unhappy is that they are not allowed to be themselves. Being a furry is just one facet of your unique personality. Ultimately, however, the only person who can make you be or not be yourself is … you. When you think of it, who are the people considered most admirable in our world? It’s people like Benjamin Franklin, Rosa Parks, Nikola Tesla, Allen Ginsburg, Jackson Pollock, people who went against the norm and fiercely, courageously insisted on themselves. And the people who epitomize what society supposedly wants? The rich and famous like movie, music, and sports stars? Have you ever noticed how much American society likes to trash these people? And when you ask them, they often say that they were at their most unhappy when they were the richest and most famous (great example is the Beatles).
 
We only have one life. How many of us lead lives of “quiet desperation” (Thoreau again). People frantically try to gain approval and worry about obtaining things that society deems valuable (houses, cars, money) and die having wasted their talent, their hearts, their souls.
 
Turquoise, thank you for writing ol’ Papabear and giving me this opportunity to address youngsters like yourself who are standing on that precipice in their teens years. You have a choice here of accepting what others say you should be and do, stepping forward, and falling into the abyss—OR! You can give yourself the power to grow wings and fly safely above the expanse.
 
Keep it in perspective, hon. We are here to find ourselves, to grow, and to love. All else is vanity. That is my advice to you.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I am living with my boyfriend (who I will call Risuki) in his kind mother's house. We've been doing well so far, even having room to occasionally house a friend. Something has come up that has stressed me out to the point where distraction, fresh air, and meditation are not enough to calm my stress and anxiety. Risuki has an older sister who is married and has two toddlers. Apparently, they have to move back down to the house that I live in. I don't mind moving our mattress, computers, and everything else to one of the smaller rooms to make way, but I do mind them coming here because I hate them so g*****n much. 

I dislike Risuki's older sister because, long story short and without too much detail, it was ultimately her decision that had my boyfriend sent to mental institutions multiple times, given medications for mental illnesses he never had and now has scars both mentally and physically from it. He is still healing from it, even though it's been at least 3 years since he's been out.

I despise his brother-in-law. I had said something that, while I didn't intend it to, sounded hateful about one of their family members and this man contacted Risuki and I on Facebook. What I assumed was just going to be a lecture turned out to be manipulation and downright awful behavior. He not only tried to tell a lie about something Risuki said about me with my back turned, but he tried to scare us into believing the cops were watching the house. This man scares me to a level where I feel like my life is being threatened by him. 

I know this isn't about me. This is not my house, and they're not my family. However I cannot return to mine, for my mom doesn't even have a bed for me. I don't have friends nearby who would house me or my boyfriend. We don't have a vehicle yet, but we're planning on working some small jobs in web design and programming to earn some money.

I can't bring myself to talk about this to my boyfriend, as he was stressed out when he brought it up with me. 

I suppose the question is, what do I do? I want to channel my inner dragon and not be so frightened, but I'm scared for my life as if I'll be slain. I'm sure he won't kill me, but I am afraid he can put me in a position where I'm helpless, alone, or even homeless. My boyfriend assured me that this wouldn't happen, but I can't help but feel that it's a major possibility.

-Roarar (age 21, Arkansas)

* * *

Hi, Roarar,

Sorry for the delay in writing you. A question: do you or your bf have ANY prospects for employment other than these small jobs you mention? I mean, regular employment? What education do you and he have?

This will help with my reply.

Hugs,

Papabear

* * *

My boyfriend has a rather large plan in mind involving his programming skills, but he would probably prefer that I keep the details on it secret. Other than that, no. We're in a rural area with not much in the way of being hired elsewhere and his mother's car being the only vehicle available if she's not at work.

We both took one year of college, then had some scholarship problems and dropped. It's likely we'll go back in the future, but we want a more stable income before doing something like that.

* * *

Dear Roarar,

Sometimes I receive letters from furries that sound as if they expect Papabear to have a Magic Bag of Tricks to pull out an amazing, pain-free, labor-free solution to a difficult problem. No such luck. There are two possible courses for you here: in the first course, you can try and resolve your differences with your mate’s sister and husband; in the second course, you fast track a way out of Risuki’s mother’s house and find your own place.

Let’s talk about Option 1 first. From my outsider’s view, since I don’t know you, Risuki, or his sister, is it possible that Risuki actually needed to go to a mental health facility? Such places are usually short on space, and they just don’t lightly admit someone because a family member says they are ill. Perhaps his sister thought she was doing the right thing. I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant for your boyfriend at all, and so he complains bitterly to you about the injustice of it all, but perhaps you should try to look at it from his sister’s viewpoint or, at least, more objectively. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of; as with any other illness, it is not a person’s fault or failing and treatment sometimes can help. Is he on meds today? Has he recovered at all? You don’t say why his sister thought he should go there, so I need more information on that one. Instead of being so confrontational with his sister, try talking to her and understanding her point of view. This is not me taking her side, understand; this is me trying to make sure that you aren’t reacting angrily without really thinking this through. As for her husband, well, that could easily be a misunderstanding as well. Again, communication is key. As soon as you shut and lock that door so that no more communication occurs, there can be nothing but anger and bitterness (aka “channeling your inner dragon”). If you simply get pissed off, the situation will escalate and escalate, and you can imagine what the ultimate result would be. Anger is never a solution. The smart dragon reasons things out.

Oh, and where does Risuki's mother stand in all of this? How did she feel about him going to a hospital? Could she, perhaps, serve as mediator between the two sides?

Of course, there certainly is the possibility that Risuki’s sister and husband are simply unpleasant, ugly people. Such people do exist in the world, and in that case there is nothing much you can do about it, but you should try, first, to see if your relationship can’t be repaired.

If it can’t, then you certainly don’t want to remain where you are. That would be like having a Pandora’s Box in the kitchen waiting to be opened. All of you: you, Risuki, his sister, and husband, should not be living with Mom. Sadly, despite claims by the government that the economy has recovered, the reality is that the job market in the U.S. remains terrible, and the trend for children to move back in with parents has become commonplace.

It sounds like you need some help with strategies for moving out. You say you were both in college for a year (odd that you should both leave college simultaneously for the same reason), and I’m guessing your “scholarship problems” were related to your not keeping your grades up, since many scholarships are dependent on your doing well academically (also guessing that neither of you were on a sports scholarship). I will tell you frankly right now that no company is going to hire Risuki for his “programming skills” without a college degree or at least some kind of certification. I’m also highly suspicious of anyone who says they have “secret” plans for making an income. Frankly, that sounds either illegal or absurd to my ears.

To get a job as a computer programmer, you need one of two things (or both): a college degree OR an impressive portfolio of projects you have accomplished that you can show to prospective employers. These are what employers are looking for. You might ask about certificates. Good question. Getting certified in one of the many disciplines in programming can be done fairly quickly, and then you get a snazzy paper that declares you are “certified” in C++ or whatever. However, the reality is that the whole business of certificates is mainly a money-maker for lame mall colleges and diploma mills such as Kaplan “University” (such places should be outlawed, IMO; always check out schools to see if they are legitimate before enrolling). They can cost a lot and, in the end, probably won’t get you a job or even qualify you for one (here’s a great article about that).

Another option is the government. Places like the NSA, FBI, and CIA are in constant need of people who are skilled in Internet security, and they don’t, frankly, give a damn about college degrees. The government is hiring people as fast as it can who know about hacking and how to stop it. If this is a skill you or Risuki have, then you are golden. The government will even forgive a criminal record if you can show them you can stop places like China and Russia from hacking into their databases (http://www.fastcompany.com/3000879/nsa-wants-hackers-and-it-wants-them-its-side).

That aside, there actually are other certification courses in other fields that you could explore, offering you a quicker way to get an education in a high-paying field. Here is a list of great jobs you can get without a college degree.

Other options: if you are interested in teaching, there is a program for college loan forgiveness if you become a teacher at an inner-city or other poor school system; and, there is always the military, which offers programs to help you save for college. This might sound dangerous, but if you’re a programmer you’re probably not going to be put on the front lines and shot at. There are lots of behind-the-scenes jobs in the military. You will, however, have to get through basic training.

Anyway, if college is not an option, the best thing Risuki (and you, if you can program, too) is to get jobs doing unique and challenging projects that require you to come up with unique solutions. Build up that portfolio and show it to potential employers (which will mean moving out of your rural, isolated Arkansas home, of course, since that’s not exactly Silicon Valley).

You also need to get some income now. Since you obviously have an Internet connection (or else I wouldn’t be reading your letter), you should go online and check out two sites offered by the State of Arkansas: Arkansas Joblink and the Arkansas Department of Workforce Services, both of which are intended to expedite job searches for people such as yourself. Take advantage of the programs your state has to offer, including those listed here:

North Arkansas College (NAC)
South Campus at 1515 Pioneer Drive; North Campus at 1320 Spring Road; Center Campus at 303 N. Main, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-743-3000
Provides a wide variety of vocational classroom training courses plus freshman and sophomore level class for transfer to a four-year college. Day and night classes are available.

Educational Opportunity Center (NAC)
303 N. Main, (North Arkansas College Center Campus), Harrison, AR 72601, 870-391-3129 or 870-391-3130 or 1-800-257-8690 outside of Harrison. 
9 am to 4 pm Monday-Friday, other hours by appointment. 
Provides information about available resources which can assist adults age 19+ in obtaining post secondary education. Administers assessment, career interest inventory. Assists with applications to post secondary schools and for financial aid.

Arkansas Department of Human Services (DHS)
2126 Capps Road, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-6107
8 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday
Helps needy families meet their basic needs by providing assistance with TEA, food stamps, Medicaid, children and family services issues, day care, aging and adult services, developmental disabilities and services for the blind and disabled.

Arkansas Rehabilitation Services
705 W. Sherman, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-7153
8 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday
Provides assessment, testing, and other activities that help put persons with disabilities to work by providing counseling, training and job placement.

Northwest Regional Housing Authority
114 Sisco, Harrison, AR 72602, 870-741-5522
7 am to 5 pm Monday-Friday
Provides rental assistance based on household income. Family Self-Sufficiency Programs helps people become free from assistance through education and employment. Serves Boone (except Harrison), Baxter, Carroll, Madison, Marion, Newton and Searcy counties.

Ozark Share & Care
105 Highway 62-65 Bypass, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-3130
Office (Emergency assistance) 1-4 pm Monday-Thursday.
Thrift Store 9 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday, 9 am to 4 pm on Saturday.
Provides emergency assistance such as food, rent, utilities, gasoline, medicines, clothing, car seats, coats, fans, USDA commodity distribution to 13 smaller pantries.  Holiday food boxes and gift program for needy children in Boone County.

Job Corp
800-733-5627
Serves young people between the ages of 16 and 24 by providing them with free basic education training and vocational training. Live on campus while you attend training.

You don’t need to search jobs on your own. Take advantage of the many services out there that can help you and your boyfriend. And! if you are so inclined, also consult with local churches about assistance programs and even job help. Some churches are actually good at helping those with low income or who are unemployed (churches vary a lot, so hopefully you have a good one nearby). And still another option! The Salvation Army, which is an outstanding organization willing to help anybody. Talk to them as well.

I hope at least some of this helps you and Risuki. Time to take charge of your life and not let circumstances (such as lack of control concerning with whom you live) rule you.

Blessed Be,

Papabear

Papabear,

For a while I have always had 2 personalities. I am positive to people always but deep down I am struggling to stay alive. I am always getting bullied and made fun of because of being gay and a furry. How can I get through tough times and be positive?

Raoul (age 13, Georgia)

* * *

My Dear Raoul,

Looks like you’re becoming familiar with one of the most difficult aspects of living within human society: trying to fit in on the outside, while becoming familiar with who you really are on the inside. Society wants us all to be the same: heterosexual, sociable, hard-working, productive citizens who produce useful goods and services to the state. On the inside, only a minority actually fit the desired stereotype. However, evolution has made humans so that they crave acceptance within society, and, once acceptance is achieved, we feel more secure because there is strength in numbers. Therefore, when our insides don’t match what is desired on the outside, we create masks, as you have done, in order to adapt.

Such personality conflicts are typical of minorities, such as LGBT people and furries. A couple things you can do here. First of all, you need to find fellow furries and/or gay people with whom you can create a social circle of support. It is important that you don’t feel alone and isolated. Secondly, you will need to learn to defend yourself. One way to do that is to report incidents of bullying to your school, whether they involve real-life or cyberbullying encounters. Georgia law is very clear that bullying is not tolerated in schools (and the state will deny funding to schools not in compliance), so your school administrators should be motivated to help you. You can also talk to a school counselor about what is happening and get some advice from him or her. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help, including your family. 

Furthermore, it doesn’t hurt to learn a bit of physical self-defense. With the caveat that you should never hit or kick someone unless absolutely necessary, it would not be a bad idea to take a self-defense class, such as martial arts.

The reality of life, Raoul, is that both you and I, being gay and furry, are likely to be persecuted in one way or another for the rest of our days. The key is to realize that this is not your fault; you are a good person, a valuable person, and it is okay for you to be gay and furry. Those who cannot accept you for being different are simply less evolved as human beings, sadly. But, in your life, you will run across people who are much more open-minded and accepting of you for you. When you find such people, cling to them and never let them out of your sight. You will learn this in the years to come. Have patience, and don’t get down on yourself. You’ll be okay as long as you refuse to believe the hateful remarks thrown at you by the ignorant and the stupid.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Hi PapaBear!

I'm trying to raise money for a music/drama class trip to the NYC. 

Here's the Letter.

December 2, 2014

Dear Papabear,

Coming this spring, April 2015, there is an opportunity for students involved in the Briggsdale High School Drama program to attend the Broadway Student Summit workshops in New York, New York. This opportunity is very exciting for the students to observe and participate in drama and the theatrical arts at its finest. Being from a very small rural community, this opportunity comes very rarely for many students who attend this school. It is exciting that over 50 percent of the students who attend Briggsdale High School are involved in the drama program, and they will be able to learn and apply their new found knowledge and skills about drama and acting. 

Students will attend workshops that will enhance their acting and theatrical ability. Some workshops include: Vocal Interpretation, Stage Combat, Acting Techniques, and even will attend a Musical Theatre Audition Class. Another highlight of this trip will be going to a Broadway production, Les Miserables, and interact with Broadway cast members. 

This is an incredible opportunity in which our high school students will participate. However, with many great opportunities, comes great cost. The drama program and students are expected to raise enough money to be able to participate in this incredible event. 

Would you please consider sponsoring us financially so students would be able to participate in this opportunity? Any amount is greatly appreciated, and will go completely for funding this experience. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Briggsdale Drama Club

So if you have any suggestions or help for my/our fundraising.?

Thanks,
Failaria Talerum (age 16)

* * *

Dear Failaria,

That's a wonderful opportunity for you, and I hope you make it there. There's a great performing arts program here in my valley, too, with students trying to raise money to go to New York City and see Broadway shows and also get behind-the-scenes looks into the production of a Broadway play.

When I was in school and there was a program to raise money, it usually involved me and my peers going door-to-door selling candy and whatnot. You can also try having a local fundraiser, such as a car wash, bake sale, garage sales, and the like. 

You and your fellow students could partner with a company that sells products, part of the money from which goes to your trip. Companies that partner with students for fundraisers include:

• Sell candles and other related items from Yankee Candles. 

• Sell restaurant gift cards 

• Con Yeager offers spices for fundraisers 
• Or create school logo items at the School Spirit Store 
• And there are catch-all sites like ABC Fundraising that list a whole bunch of different products you can sell. (They are not BBB accredited, so be a little cautious here, although I have found no complaints against ABC, either.)

There are also websites where you simply set up a page and ask people for money for your cause, which can be almost anything. Some examples are GoFundMe.com and GiveForward.com. These sites allow you to set up a donation page, which you can then tell people about on places like Facebook or other social sites.

One more option would be to set up your own website and put a donate button on the site. If you use PayPal, you can set up a direct link with your bank, generate html code, and insert that into your website.

Hopefully, this will give you some ideas to help. Run these by your school teachers and your parents to get their input.

Good luck!
Papabear

Hello PB. 

I hope you're ready for this, since this probably will be a bit unclear... Before I present my problem, I think that you should know a bit about me, since my personality voids possible solutions to my problem. I'm a perfectionist, a self-criticizing and self-conscientious fur who has recently came out furry at the start of August. I do not plan on attending meets or conventions (I'd rather deal with more pressing matters) and I only know 1 other furry IRL. I use chatrooms, but to me, it does not feel like real communication. I am also a “grammar hawk,” a Pokémon fan, a Professor Layton fan, and an Ace Attorney fan. I also like playing chess. Also, I have a disability (I don't pay much attention to it) and I'm generally quiet, although I'm a social person due to my personality.

Now, when I came out furry, most of my friends were surprised (after all, I was giving out the smart and mature impression to people) and generally, I received a positive reception. However, one of my friends who pretended to be supporting, backstabbed me and insulted me using social media. He has promised that he will not do such again (although he still is mean to me) but he is forming a group of friends who constantly pester me when I'm trying to concentrate on my studies, since I have exams to do for the next few years. I have discussed this problem with friends of mine, who replied with "stay positive and ignore them" but due to their persistence and the fact that I am so self-criticizing and self-conscientious, I am finding that impossible to do.

Consequently, this problem is making me feel “uncomfortable in my own skin” and shy. Also, it means that I'm too preemptive about doing anything furry-related. (I also cannot buy a fursuit, they're too expensive in my opinion!) So, I'm currently looking for more subtle furry stuff, but that's a topic for another letter.

Sorry for the very long letter, but I am afraid that this problem will only get worse (and the anti-fur group will only get bigger; they've started being mean to my non-fur friends) and my reputation will only get worse. I thought that my disability was bad enough....

Yours,
Anonymous

* * *

Dear Anonymous,

Yours is a situation I’m familiar with. When I was in elementary school, for some reason (I still don’t know why) this one kid started picking on me, and he then recruited others to start making fun of me. It kept building until the last few months of my sixth grade year became a living hell. Boy, was I glad to go to another school the next year!

Kids can be like this. They spot a weakness in someone (a disability, lack of skill in sports, awkwardness of any kind) and they exploit it to make themselves feel like they are somehow superior to their targets. It is the most reprehensible kind of behavior and it happens every day in school yards all over the world.

If this is getting to the point of bullying, you need to make some adults aware of it (school administrators, parents). Every state in this country either has a law, a policy, or both against bullying. Go to StopBullying.gov to learn more about this.

Part of the bullying results, probably, from bullies seeing you have low self-esteem, which is a sign you have a weakness they can attack. People like you and me usually get self-critical because, well, we’ve been beaten down by others since childhood. Parents, peers, teachers—most of them make it their job to make you conform to societal “norms,” and if anyone deviates from those norms you can bet they are going to squash your individuality and make you feel bad about yourself. This is, of course, “for your own good.”

You need to stop being so self-critical (you already know this is a problem). Being self-critical can be harmfully addictive in a number of ways. First of all, it gives you an excuse not to do stuff or even try to do it (“I’d probably screw it up, anyway”); second, it gives you a false sense of noble humility (“Look at me, I’m not egotistical like those people; I’m a very humble person”); third, it is a way to elicit complements from other people (“Oh, I’m so stupid” to which your friend says, “No you’re not! You’re smart!” as you smile inwardly, feeling validated in secret.) None of these practices is healthy for you, mentally or emotionally.

To stop being so down on yourself, start by making a list of your good traits. Post them in a prominent place in your bedroom or bathroom and read through them every day. Then, if you find yourself, during the day, saying something bad about yourself, stop yourself and think of one of the positive things on your list.

Fortunately, you may have stumbled upon a solution for your problem with friends. The ones who have turned against you are not your friends. Why are you still associating with that one guy if he is “still mean” to you? I wouldn’t put up with that, and neither should you. Don’t be so desperate for friends that you’re willing to be a punching bag for someone else’s emotional issues.

Time to replace those sorry excuses for friends with other people, and perhaps those people could be furries. The first thing you need to know about furries is that you do not need a fursuit to be a furry! Eighty percent of furries don’t have one! It is a common misconception. But if you ever do decide you want one, you can get partials fairly inexpensively, or even find a used one. Anyway, that’s not important. What is important is that you find some friends with whom you can relate. Reading your letter, I bet there are a lot of furries your age who would get along swell with you, disability or no. It’s really a mistake, therefore, to try to go “subtle” on the furry stuff. Furries are anything but subtle LOL.

Papabear’s prescription for you, therefore, is to go forth and become pawesome with some furries. You’ll have to start online to find people, but hopefully there is a furmeet or some such near you that you could attend, or maybe go to a furcon (take your parents, since you’re underage).

While furries, like any other group, aren’t perfect, you’re more likely to find people like yourself with the furry community. It helps a lot, when looking for friends, when you share interests, and the love of furry movies, comics, art etc. can bring you together.

In addition to furries, you can search online for people who like chess, Pokémon, video games, etc. For example, there is a Facebook club for Professor Layton fans at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Professor-Layton-and-Co-Fan-Club/545901585419955 you could join. The more groups you join like this one, the more of a chance you have of locating someone near you who likes what you do.

Your friend who advised you to ignore the bullies is essentially correct. As you go through life, you should try and learn the skill of pruning your friends list. Cut off the dead or diseased branches and you’ll have a healthier plant and more beautiful flowers. You might even try grafting new species onto your plant and achieve something extraordinary.

Hope that helps! Stay furry!

Papabear