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Hi Papabear!
This is my first question I am going to ask you, and possibly more, but I’m only going under a fake name because I'm uncomfortable sharing my real name with someone I don’t know, but anyways, I wanted to ask this question: How do I make more furry friends in my school, while trying to stay away from gossip and backlash around me? Here is some context. I have been in the fandom since August of 2022 (by the time you answer this it may be my 2nd anniversary of being in the fandom!), but I’ve never been able to make any genuine friends in the fandom. I’m usually friends with them one day, but it’s never been long term. Since I don’t have many friends online, I try to resort to in real life friends! However, there is one issue with this: I am a popular kid at school. Now I know there is a lot of misinformation about furries online, and I do not want to ruin my reputation only to be hated by the people who used to support me throughout the years that I’ve been with them. I try to indirectly tell them that I am a furry, but I would hate for someone to tell that to someone else and make it spread. I know of other furries in my school, but most people joke around and gossip about them. My closest friend (that I’ve been friends with for 9 years), does not really approve of furries and I think that he may not be fond of me if I told him the truth that I am a furry. The way I found this out was by wearing a furry avatar in roblox. I even asked him about it one day. I know I’m kinda ranting about it (I’m sorry) but … sometimes I genuinely feel alone in the fandom. I’ve kept this a secret from pretty much everyone (except for a few people) and I just really want that one person who genuinely cares for me. One that will go to furry cons with me, not judge me, and maybe even have a happy life with them (boy or girl it doesn’t matter). I just … I don’t know … I felt like someone that has been through a bit in the furry fandom could actually help me with this. If you can recommend anyone I could be friends with (if possible), please let me know. Cheers! Sending you Mint ice cream your way! Minty the Protogen (age 15, Louisiana) * * * Dear Minty, First, consider why you are a furry. Are you a furry because you want to be popular? Or are you a furry because you love the furry arts and creative play of the fandom and you want to get into things like furry gaming, fursonas, writing stories, creating art, and enjoying furry fiction? If you are more concerned about your popularity at school than about being a furry, you should just forget about being a furry and continue being Mr. Popularity at your school. But know this: Most people who are friends with the popular person at school (or work, or church, or whatever) are only fair-weather friends who hover around you like flies over a summer picnic because it looks tasty, not because they are real friends. After you graduate, you'll never hear from them again. I have one true friend from those days named Todd, who has been my friend since the third grade and is STILL my friend 50 years later. THAT is a real friend. A real friend will be your friend whether or not you are popular and whether or not you are a furry. So, to answer your initial question: If you come out as furry in your school, the results will be predictable. You will likely be the new target of all the kids who hate furries and you can say bye bye to being the popular guy. Now, if you are truly bold, you could try and use your popularity to change people's views about furry. That is, use your cachet to make furry cool at school. Kind of like in Turning Red, where Mei's ability (or curse) to turn into a giant red panda becomes super cool at her school, with all the students lining up to take photos with her and buy her merch. I don't know if that is possible IRL, but wouldn't that be wonderful? There are a lot of young furries out there who get into furry because they want to be outrageous and get noticed. In a lot of ways, furry is becoming more mainstream (the success of Zootopia and Turning Red are indicators of this). You could try to be the person at your school who turns things around and makes furry totally pawsome. But it would take a lot of work on your part, and you would have to pursue it fearlessly. Not sure what the social climate in Louisiana is, but if you are in or around New Orleans, I hear that is a pretty outrageous town. You could maybe take advantage of Mardi Gras celebrations to let your furry side out. (I don't mean go to Mardis Gras, just use it as a theme.) It could go well, or it could backfire on you big time. Ask yourself if you're willing to take that risk. If not, play it safe and don't come out furry around your classmates. Now, as to finding IRL furries to hang with, yeah, that can be a bit challenging. The best way is to first find nearby furries online and then try to hang with them at furmeets and furcons. How do you find local furries online? There are a couple of ways to do so. First off, I recommend downloading the Barq app on your phone. It's a social app that will show you right away which registered users are close to you. Next, go online and simply google "Louisiana Furries." I found this website https://sites.google.com/view/louisianafurs/home about Louisiana furs by doing that search. Interestingly, there were plans for a Bayou Furry Bash convention, but as of this time it seems it never quite got off the ground, sadly. There is also a Facebook group for Louisiana furries and FurAffinity. The FA account seems to be inactive for at least a year, and the FB account is minimally active. Rats. Seems like the Louisiana furries have been struggling. I also searched the Meetup website and Telegram, but I found nothing there that was promising. There used to be a website called the Internet Furry Proximity Locator that could have proven useful to you, but I don't believe it has been maintained, nor do many furries even know about it, so that likely won't work. If you were a little older, I would suggest you drive to Texas Furry Fiesta in San Antonio, which is not too too far from Louisiana and is an excellent con. But right now, that's not practical for you unless you can get your parents onboard. It sounds to this bear like the state of Louisiana could really use a cool furry like you to get them organized. You're still a bit young, but before you know it, you'll be 16 and then 18, and you'll be able to do more stuff independently. You might consider forming your own furmeet group. (I wrote a short column about that which might help). It can be tough to meet furries IRL in some locations in this country. Besides Barq, the best thing for you to do would be to simply join various furry groups on Facebook, Discord, Telegram etc. and ask around if anyone lives in your area. I would also suggest that you work on locating nearby furries first before you out yourself at school as a furry. That way, if things go south at school, you will hopefully have some furry friends locally to provide you some emotional support and hugs. But, hey, before I forget, didn't you say you already knew some furries at school? But, apparently, you are not talking to them because they are not part of the cool crowd. Meanwhile, you fear your "closest friend" will reject you for being a furry. I ask you to pause a moment and consider why you are avoiding these furries and what might that say about you and your fear of ruining your "reputation." If you want a friend who "genuinely cares" about you and will hang out with you at furry events, approach the furries at your school. In the end, you should pursue interests and friendships that suit you best. While everyone wants to feel love and support from their peers, this is less important than following your own path, creating your own identity rather than a persona that meets the approval of others. You are not put on Earth to fulfill the expectations of others and of our shallow and fake society. You are put on Earth to find yourself, explore the universe, and to grow as a person. If being a furry helps you with that, then gofurit. Good Luck! Papabear
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Papapbear,
Why am I bullied and BARKED at by everybody else in 5th grade? When I walk in the halls, why does everyone glare at me and gossip behind my back? Why am I always last to be picked for gym class for a team? Why do I feel useless and incapable because people say so? Why do I feel so weak when I cant say "stop it" to their faces? Am I in the wrong? Sawyer (age 11) * * * Dear Sawyer, If you are experiencing serious bullying at school, you need to inform the school administration and, if you haven't already, your parents. They need to put a stop to it. Here is a useful resource page from KidPower that you and your parents should read about the problem. But that is mostly about what to do if you are bullied. The answer to the question "Why am I being bullied?" probably has something to do with your being a furry (I'm guessing this because you are being barked at). In a world where it has definitely become uncool for kids to bully others because of things like their race or being LGBTQ (although it, of course, still happens), furries are one of the last groups of people that our culture seems to feel is okay to torment for being different. All kinds of stupid rumors are being spread (mostly by conservatives trying to make a non-issue a political issue for their campaigns of hate) against furries these days such as the idea that furries demand cat litter boxes in school bathrooms (not true) or that they growl at and bite kids in the hallways. Humans hate people who are different--and furries are definitely different. It's ingrained in their DNA. So, when they are not allowed to hate black people or Jewish people or even gay people, they will continue to look for someone to hate for no reason other than they are different. Lucky for the haters, there are furries! We are people they don't understand at all, and what humans don't understand, they fear, and what they fear, they hate. So, that is why you are being bullied. What do you do about it? In addition to reading the link I sent, what you need is to beef up your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and, while you're at it, your courage and physical strength. People (especially school kids) prey on the weak. So, don't be weak (easier said than done, I know, but you can do it). I suggest you take up martial arts or boxing or wrestling. Learn to defend yourself. Kids are less likely to mock you if you're capable of giving them a roundhouse kick to the face. That's not to say you should beat people up. No. Violence should only be a last resort when you have to defend yourself from harm. But if people KNOW you can kick their ass, they are less likely to mock you. I would hope you would never have to use such skills, but that doesn't mean they are a waste to learn. Martial arts are a great way to improve your health and flexibility, which is pawsome for you in any circumstance. In addition to this, you need to build your confidence. Being good at self-defense does this, truly, but there are other ways. Here are some tips:
I hope this little pep talk has helped. Always remember: This is YOUR life. As long as you are not hurting anyone, do what you wish. You're only 11 and have a lot to explore. This is an incredible, complex, bizarre, frustrating, joyful world, and it is yours to live in. It's for you to grab the reins and go for a ride. You own this horse, kid, so enjoy it. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear:
I will graduate with my 2nd A.S. degree this spring. After 8 years total of going to CCollege, I am mentally exhausted. Everyone has been asking me, "Are you going to transfer and get a bachelor's degree?" I wish I could, but tbh I am exhausted. Seven years of school and I leave with insecurities that I am not smart enough for UNI. I mean, 3 more years would be a commitment! I have always had other interests such as in science and foreign languages. I have always wanted to learn about chemistry and learn a third language. How can I learn these two subjects for fun on my own and feel confident about it? I know I'll never be a chemist or science major, plus you don't need to go to university to learn a third language, anyways. Thanks! EmmyLovesFurries (age 26) * * * Dear EmmyLovesFurries, Thanks for your questions. Let's start with the foreign language question. It's wonderful to learn other languages, especially if you have a gift for it. I studied German for seven years, French for two, and Spanish for one, and I can tell you, I don't have much of a talent for it. But, honestly, here's why I struggled: high schools and colleges teach language wrong. Endless vocabulary list memorization and grammar instruction is a mechanical, unhelpful way to learn. You know who teaches languages right? The U.S. military. What they do is throw you into an environment where you are only allowed to speak in the language you are learning. This total immersion in a new language is highly effective. The other way to do it is to move (or travel for an extended time) to a country that speaks the language in which you have an interest. One of my biggest regrets in life was when my German professor urged me to study in Germany for a while to really get comfortable with the language, but I was honestly too afraid to do that by myself and I turned down the opportunity. Now, living where I do (America is one of the most culturally isolated countries in the world because of its geography and poor public education system) my German is terribly rusty. I envy Europeans because they are constantly exposed to languages, and going to a foreign land is like traveling to another state in the U.S.--easier, too, because they have a good train system.... But I digress. If I had the time to beef up my language skills, here is what I would do: go online to a website such as Babbel or Pimsleur (Rosetta Stone is also good, but rather expensive). These programs teach you conversational, colloquial language and use tried-and-true methods such as repetition. Some programs like Babbel even connect you to volunteer native speakers for practice, which is quite wonderful. Another way to approach this is to learn as a child would: that is, pick up some primer reading books in the language you want, read comic books, watch cartoons in that language. (You can watch Sesame Street in Spanish and many other languages!) You are correct that you don't have to go to uni to learn a language and, as noted above, that is probably the worst way to do it unless you're studying a dead language such as Latin or ancient Greek. Let's move on to chemistry and other sciences. I personally have an interest in history, but I didn't enjoy history in high school. In fact, I hated it because it was all about rote memorization of dates and places, kings and queens, famous battles, etc. Snore. No, I am much more interested in cultural history. How people lived centuries ago; how nations developed, thrived, and fell; what their architecture was like; how they dressed and ate and worked and had fun. You know, in school back in the 1970s (not sure about now), when they taught history it was either American history or European and British history. Never learned squat about Asia or Africa or South America, and these places are fascinating! The history of China goes back 6,000 years! And now I'm learning of discoveries in advanced architecture going back 12,000 years to places like Gobekli Tepe, or about the amazing technology that the Romans possessed. The same is true about science. I love learning about physics and astronomy, but also about advances in technology, environmental sciences, and wildlife (I used to be a zoo docent). The point is, if you have an interest in a subject, you don't have to go to school to learn about it. There are all kinds of amateurs out there gobbling up books on various topics and becoming quite the experts. Really, the only reason to go to university is if you want a job in your particular field, in which case your employer will want to see your college diploma. But if you just want to learn, there are nearly countless resources online, ranging from science magazine websites to YouTube videos to virtual lecture halls. Learning is a joy. You should learn all your life. There is so much to learn that you will never come to the end of it. College is for getting a job. So, the question for you is not what you want to learn but what you want to do for employment. Once you figure out what you want to do for a job (it doesn't matter what, as long as you're okay doing it and it gives you enough money to pay the bills), decide what you need to do in order to obtain that job (whether it is school or some kind of apprenticeship or learning how to make YouTube videos for money) and go for it. Then, you can learn as much about sciences and languages on the side as you want. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been thinking about learning quadrobics for a while [Papabear notes: "quadrobics" is the physical activity of running and other performaces while on all fours; it is typically a therian behavior, although some regular furries indulge as well]. I've always been more connected to my animals and fursona than I have been to my human self. I want to learn and be able to do it in school hallways, but I'm not sure how others will respond. Can you help me find a way to express my animalistic side to my peers? Hazel (age 14) * * * Dear Hazel, Unless you want to set yourself up for being mocked and hated, I would urge you to not try to "express" your "animalistic side" to the general public, whether at school or elsewhere, especially in a state like Texas, which is very conservative (this is a state where a student recently got expelled for growing their hair too long even though they kept it tied up and off her face during school, so imagine how they'd react to therian behavior). Such behavior in a school would likely not be tolerated by school officials. So, just don't. DON'T. DO. IT. And, anyway, why would you want to? My first guess would be that, like so many people, you wish to be recognized as different and special, to get attention and, maybe, even adoration for your skills. We all like to feel special and to get attention, but believe me, please, you would only be setting yourself up for attacks and hate from people who don't understand furries or therians. There is a time and a place for everything. School is not a place to act like a furry (or therian or otherkin, for that matter). American schools are where citizens get trained to conform, to be good cogs in the capitalist machinery. The social environment of the hallways, playgrounds, and classrooms of a school (in America, at least, but I'm sure in other countries as well) are a horror show of one-upmanship, cliques, posturing, bullying, teasing, and even physical violence against anyone who is different or seen as weak or weird. What IS the place for wearing fursuit gear or practicing quadrobics? Anywhere you can get together with people who have similar interests is great, but if you can't do that, I would suggest you practice your quadrobics in private places, such as in the woods (if available), at your home, or in other secluded places (as long as you feel safe there). So, stop this notion at once that you somehow need to show your animal side to your peers unless you enjoy getting beaten up, made fun of, or being seen as a social outcast (the kind of person you see eating alone during lunch hour and getting tripped in the hallways). Is that a harsh response by Papabear? I suppose, sadly, it is, but, Hazel, this is the world we live in. This is why people like you and me enter the furry fandom so that we can be among our true peers who will accept and love who we are. Hugs, Papabear Good evening,
I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings regarding a situation I've been experiencing. As a freshman at THS, I am grateful for the support provided by my IEP. However, I have recently encountered some challenges that I would appreciate your advice or insight on. In an effort to cope with my autism and ADHD, I've been carrying around a stuffed coyote that holds personal significance to me. It has become a source of comfort during the past few days. Unfortunately, I've noticed that I've become the target of mockery and ridicule from my peers. While I understand that people might not fully comprehend my coping mechanisms, the teasing has been hurtful. I am reaching out to you in the hopes of seeking guidance on how to navigate this situation. I believe that everyone's unique qualities should be respected, and I am striving to find ways to manage my challenges in a positive and supportive environment. Any advice or explanation you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Your support means a lot to me, and I look forward to your insights. Finn (14) * * * Dear Finn, Are you sure you're only 14? Because that was a very well-written letter, better than I get from some adults! But let's get down to it. Emotional Support Plushies (ESPs) are valid tools to help emotionally sensitive people, just as Emotional Support Animals are. Since it's not too practical to bring a live dog or other pet to a school, a plushie is an excellent substitute. Clearly, it is helping you, so you shouldn't get rid of it because you are being teased. Why do kids tease you? As a freshman, you are a vulnerable and easy target, and older kids and bullies typically target younger people when it is noticeable that they are different somehow. That's how bullying works: they find someone they feel they can push around who is "different" in some way and then pick on them to make themselves feel better (bullies have a lot of emotional problems themselves and use this strategy to cope in a very unhealthy way). So, first thing to do is to recognize these bullies and their toadies for what they are: shallow people looking to gain social status by putting other people down. These people do not deserve your respect, and the harsh words of people you do not respect are hollow indeed. The first strategy in dealing with bullies and taunters is to ignore them. They can only get off on their belittling if it provokes a reaction from you. This is what I do. I have been teased and criticized for everything from this advice column to my Good Furry Awards. When I get hate mail, I simply do not reply to it. When people post nasty messages on Ask Papabear, I simply delete them. I get very little of this nowadays because bullies and haters simply don't get a reaction from me, and they totally hate that. Another strategy some use is humor. A number of famous comedians (Robin Williams comes to mind) survived taunting at school by becoming class clowns. Try turning around the taunts about carrying a plush coyote with stuff like this:
If you're no good at ignoring or humoring people, you might try educating them.
High school is tough. Unlike middle or grade school, everyone has raging hormones and is struggling to find their place in society. This results in a lot of competition, social posturing, and plain old meanness. Recognizing the fact that all your peers--even the bullies, and, maybe, ESPECIALLY the bullies--are going through emotional and hormonal turmoil can help you recognize that they are all temporarily insane and should be regarded as such. When they act out against other kids, it actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If it wasn't you and your plushie, it would be the fat kid or the unathletic kid or the shy kid or the trans kid or the Muslim kid or anyone they can label as different. Heck, even me, a white boy, was targeted for being German (I got a lot of "Heil Hitlers" because my last name is Hile), and even made fun of because I was born in "a mass of two shits" (aka Massachusetts). So, you see, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as they find something--anything--different about you AND sense weakness (rather like a pack of feral dogs jockeying for status). You can't change how others behave, but you can control how you react to it. Be chill. Be bear. Be cool. As Nick Wilde said, "Never let them see they got to you." Hugs, Papabea Dear Papabear,
How do I stop the oncoming flow of hate towards the furry fandom? I hate how I'm persecuted for wanting to wear a costume. I understand that yes, there is a bad side to the fandom, but that's not the whole thing. Take Indigo_Raptor, for instance. They were so young, and yet they supposedly killed themselves because of hate. I really don't like how everyone stereotypes furries as 'The fandom that f*ks cheese graters and dogs for fun." And the people who bark at me in the school hallways--my fursona isn't even a dog; Neon's a cat! And if I'm a furry, and I don't go around barking at people, how come they do? We as furries have given the rest of the world more than enough reason to at least accept us if not love us. How do I stop this? Is it even possible? Neon * * * Dear Neon, (Note: I could not reply to you via email because you used a school email server, which blocks emails from unknown sources like this one, so I hope you see this on my website.) Furries such as yourself all make the same mistake in thinking that normies are specifically targeting the furry fandom with their behavior towards its members. Actually, what you and others are experiencing is one facet of a phenomenon with humans: social predation. This is the characteristic in society in which those at the top of a hierarchy (the "top dogs," shall we say) and other members below who follow said hierarchy attack those at the bottom or outside the accepted norms in order to keep the status quo intact. You see this kind of behavior in other animals, too, not just humans. Wolves, as most know, have their alphas and betas keeping the omegas in line; monkey troops actually go to war with other troops they feel are impinging on their territory; animals ranging from pronghorn sheep to elephants have been seen expressing bullying behavior, too. The higher an animal is in the hierarchy, the more aggressive it tends to be. Humans behave just like the "lower animals" in this respect. In areas such as business and politics, of course, there is a clear hierarchy involving job titles and salaries and power. In the school, titles might not be formalized and complete with a salary, but they are still there in loose terms such as "that lunch table belongs to the popular kids, that one is for the jocks, nerds and geeks over there, and the losers sit outside on a bench." Groups that adhere to social norms and that gain status through achievements (real or imagined) such as winning a championship game or wearing expensive and stylish clothes rise to the top of the hierarchy. Those who challenge the status quo by being different are filtered to the bottom of the glass. Such is the fate of furries because we aren't "normal." But targeting furries per se is just an excuse. Anyone outside the "normal" range will be subject to violence and bullying. In the recent past, for example, such violence was directed at African Americans (and still is in many ways, but somewhat less so in schools now). People will also be targeted for their religion or nationality, as is seen in all the violence still going on today against Jews, Muslims (labeled as terrorists), Sikhs (often mistaken as Muslims because haters are stupid), LGBTQIA people, the handicapable, and more. Bullies and haters are violent and nasty not just to keep the outsiders out, but also because this behavior reinforces the status quo hierarchy and creates a social bond (however unpleasant) with a group's leaders and all their toadies. So, when you ask, "How do I stop furry haters?" you are asking the wrong question because you don't stop them. They are a part of social behavior in humans that will always be there, and you will be attacked for anything you might be or do that is considered "not normal." Before I continue, it is important to note that if bullying becomes violent or dangerous in any way, you need to report it to your school administration and, possibly, local authorities if it gets really bad. There are laws against bullying (go to https://www.stopbullying.gov/ for more information on that). When it comes to annoying teasing behavior, there are a couple of strategies you can pursue:
Whatever strategy you try--or maybe you have one of your own--the important thing is to not show any weakness. As Nick Wilde explained to Judy Hopps, you should never let them see that they got to you. Don't give them that power. Will this stop the bullying? Maybe, maybe not. As noted above, you can't really completely stop it, but you can sure keep it from bothering you. Remember, it's not about your being a furry; it's about them using bullying to maintain their social status. Is that pathetic? Yes, yes it is. And you don't have to buy into their pathetic displays of insecurity. Hope that helps, Pbear Heyo Papabear!
I've written to you before, but I used the name StormFolf! Well, when I wrote you, Storm was my first Fursona, and I hadn't fully gotten into the fandom yet. But now I've done my research and things are going great! My new name is Harmony. I'm a Raptor! Anyway, I took your advice and told my family and friends about being a Furry, and they were entirely supportive. A few days after telling my brother, he bought me a raptor mask, and a few days after THAT, one of my friends that I told bought me some paws, and painted my mask! Its all thanks to you, and I thank you greatly. I am doing great, except for one thing. I told one group of friends that I was a furry, but they have banded together and won't stop taunting me. They tell me that I'm a f*g, and tell me to stop watching animal porn, when I've made it clear I'm not into that. I've told many adults, but nothing helps. My mom says I may have to stick up for myself, but idk how. Please help, Harmony (age 13) * * * Hi, Harmony, Thank you for your letter and I'm very happy for you that your family has been supportive of your furriness :-3 Okay, about bullies: You may have read some of Papabear's earlier posts about bullies, and the same kind of logic goes with your situation. All bullies are alike, and sometimes they glom together in bully cliques to torment innocent kids like yourself. Bullies behave this way for a couple of reasons: 1) they are insecure about their status in their social group, so they tear down other people to lift themselves up; 2) they have no skills or redeeming qualities in themselves, so to feel better about who they are they pick on others to try to make them outcasts; 3) they are like wolves in a pack, and sensing weakness in others gives them a reason to go on the attack to assert their place in said pack; 4) they are emotionally troubled because they have a lousy home life, which causes anger to build in them and they release this anger on others because they need to vent their frustrations and sadness in some way (even if that is an inappropriate way [this is like the character Gideon Fox]); and 5) they are fearful of anyone who does not adhere to what are considered "social norms," and fear leads to hate, which leads to bullying. Once you understand some of the psychology of the bully (or bully group), you will see that the flaws lie within THEM and not within YOU. You don't get bullied because there is something wrong with you; you get bullied because there is something wrong with them. You describe these people as "a group of friends," but I assure you, they are not. Not if they treat you this way. The way to defeat bullies is to take away their power. What is that power? The power is the ability to make you feel bad about yourself. This is reinforced by the strategy of trying to stick a label on you such as "f*g." The most effective way of fighting back is to show them that what they say has absolutely no effect on you. Yes, at first, this will be difficult, but the more you practice it the more it will be true. When they say things like "You want to watch animal porn" or "you're a f*g," just say something like, "That would really hurt my feelings if I cared at all who you are or what you say. You're not my friend and I have no respect for your opinion." Don't say this with tears in your eyes or angrily. You must do it with great calm and indifference. The more indifferent you are, the more they will see they are not hurting you, and bullying you won't be fun for them anymore. Other things you can say:
Remember, in NO WAY show to them that you are upset. This is actually where you can take some advice from Nick Fox in Zootopia: "Never let them see they got to you." Don't try to defend yourself with arguments or denials because this is engaging with them and that is exactly what they want. They are not interested in your arguments or in the truth. Their sole purpose is to upset you and pick on you. Don't let them. If you do a good job, they'll get tired of you and pick a new target. Then, you might share with that new person what you have read here. Get the idea? You can come up with your own comebacks, too, as you feel appropriate. (Remember, if they turn violent, report it at once. I doubt they will because most bullies are cowards, but you never know). I hope this helps. Thanks for reading Ask Papabear. Hugs, Papabear Grubbs Hi, I really need help. At school I’m constantly bullied for being a furry, it has be happening for 4 months. A whole sixth-grade class will bully me when they leave the cafeteria. They supervisors helped on the 3rd month, but they still bully me. Whenever they walk past my lunch table I always get quiet and fell very uncomfortable. It has also been making extremely emotional lately. Do you have any advice?
Skyla (age 11) * * * Dear Skyla, I won't ask how the entire school discovered you are a furry. They know, so now you need to deal with that. You have done the right thing by telling the school about the bullying (and I hope you have also told your parents). Keeping adults informed of what is going on is important. You should also keep track of bullying that happens to you, either by writing it down (include people's names when you know them) or taking pictures of video with your phone (if you have one). If you are being bullied online or on your phone, block all bullies. Do not interact with them; do not reply to them. Just block them. Bullies thrive on knowing they are bothering you, and they slink away like wounded weasels when they know they can't affect you. This brings us to the most important way to fight bullying. It's not fighting, of course (if you are being physically threatened, report it immediately to the school, your family, and even police). No, the way to fight bullies is to show that what they do doesn't bother you. By this, I don't mean doing what you described where you "get quiet and feel very uncomfortable." That is exactly the kind of reaction bullies like because they know they are getting to you. Bullies do what they do because they can only feel better about themselves by putting other people down and making them feel bad. Groups of bullies (like that 6th grade class) bully a kid that they feel is weak; groups do this as a way to bond socially with each other (they have something in common in that they make fun of a kid they all think is below them). This is wrong, but this is how a lot of immature people behave. If you feel confident about yourself and who you are, then bullies can't affect you. For this to work, you have to be comfortable with being a furry. Since you are just 11 years old, I have to guess that you are a furry because you simply enjoy cartoon and animated animals and like the idea of pretending to be like one of these characters, right? There is nothing wrong with that. Liking anthropomorphic (humanlike animal) characters is something that millions of children and adults enjoy. That's why animated movies like Sing, Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar, and Zootopia are so popular, as well as cartoons like Sonic the Hedgehog, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and PAW Patrol and book characters like Winnie-the-Pooh and the heroes in the Redwall stories. There are a lot of reasons why people of all ages like stories featuring animals who talk and act like people, but it would take too long to describe them here in this column, so let's just acknowledge that millions of people read and watch such stories. If kids at your school ask you why you are a furry, just say, "Well, I just like cartoons and movies and stuff (like the ones I mentioned), like a lot of people do. I even bet you like them, too, right?" Ask them to mention some shows they like, and I bet at least some of them have furry characters in them. And if they ask if you pretend to be a character like that, just say that this isn't weird either. People dress up as monsters for Halloween or Marvel and DC Comics heroes at Comicon. People also like to play video games in which they pretend to be comic book heroes or even (shocking!) furry characters like Sonic, Angry Birds, Spyro the Dragon, Starfox, or Crash Bandicoot. Ask them if they have ever played one of these, and if they have, well, they have enjoyed a furry game! Once you see that you have nothing to be ashamed about, then their teasing will be senseless and have no power over you. Now, I realize that part of the problem, too, is that you want to be accepted by your schoolmates and not mocked by them, right? Everyone wants to be accepted. But you should only want to be accepted by people who are dope. If you talk to people, you will get to know who is awesome and who isn't. Bullies are phony, and you don't want them as friends. If bullies tease you, my reply is always, "Wow, that would really hurt my feelings if I cared about your opinion or who you are." See, you have to take away their power. You do that by not caring who they are or what their opinions are. People who are mean just to hurt people are not worth your time. To summarize, this is how to deal with this problem:
One last thing, if the bullying gets really bad, call the Stop Bullying Now Hotline at 800-273-8255. Remember, the special people in the world are not normal. Dare to be weird! Stay Furry! Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I was barked at on my way home from school, and was handed a homophobic note in my locker. I don't know how to handle this. I know I'm not supposed to come to you about this. I just need some advice. I'm sorry. Alice (age 13) * * * Hi, Alice, There is no reason why you can't come to Papabear for this question. I'm happy to help. I'm assuming "barked at" means that your fellow students know you are a furry, as well as gay. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but it is quite common when one is at school. I, too, was often mocked and even beaten up at school for being different. Here is my advice to you: First of all, make sure adults know what is happening. Show the note to your parents and also to the school administration. You might not know who put the note there (bullies are notorious cowards), but just making adults aware of what is going on will help to put them on the lookout for future incidents. This is not being a tattle tale. It's being smart. Second, keep records of EVERY case of bullying, taunting, and any other abuse. That means, keep copies of anything written (on paper, in text, etc.). You can also record video chats, although it's a little more complicated. Here is a video on how to record vidchats on your Android, and if you have an iPhone, it's a bit easier to do this. If you are being bullied face to face, you can simply use video record on your mobile device. Keep a journal about any incidents, too, and record times and dates and describe the people involved if you don't know their names. If you feel in any way physically threatened at school, again, tell the school administrators. When you are not on school grounds, it might be a good idea to carry pepper spray with you. Do you walk in a safe area? Make sure you don't walk alone in dark or remote areas. You might also consider taking self-defense classes. [Note: I've gotten some feedback on Facebook about my advice on telling school admins about the bullying. While I say you should still do this, it is true that some schools are not responsive to bullying claims. In such cases, that is when you need parents as allies. One psychologist, Dorothy Espelage, a Ph.D. Professor of Childhood Development, said this: "If a parent has repeatedly gone to the school about their child, his or her child being bullied and they feel that the school is not being responsive, I often say these are your choices. When I talk to parents, I say, "Can you get your child out of the school?" If you can get your child out of the school, do that because we know that in some cases just moving the child away from a non-responsive, unsupportive administration may actually reduce the bullying. In many cases that's not an option, right. It just would be too much disruption for a family to move so I then say, "You know, have you thought about seeking legal counsel because increasingly schools will respond to a lawyer calling versus a parent that has repeatedly called. If they don't want to go that route, then reach out to some professionals in your area and try to put pressure on the school administrators and go to the school board and have a conversation about how it is that the administration has been non-responsive. What we don't want to do is the parents sit back and wait for the school to respond because they will not. The schools are failing miserably in responding to bullying incidents in our schools, and parents have to be proactive, and so please think about removing your child, seeking legal counsel, or going to the school board to hold that administrator accountable."] I don't mean to scare you by the above; I'm just covering all the bases. Judging by your email, it hasn't gotten dangerous yet. You are just facing some moron cowards who are making fun of you to feel better about themselves, which is, of course, pathetic. You should keep that in mind: What they are doing is juvenile, cowardly, and a poor reflection on their character. It is NOT evidence that YOU are in any way a bad person. You are growing up in a world that hates people who are different, whether that is because of race, income, sexual orientation, or being a furry. Alice, I know you feel bad and maybe embarrassed by what happened, but it should actually make you feel special. It is not the ordinary and accepted people on this planet who are special, it is the weird people who challenge social conventions that make the world wonderful. People like you. Do not feel alone. You are not alone because you have an entire furry community who is like you and who are there to be your friends. You also have a huge LGBTQI community. Don't worry about getting approval from derps and twits like the ones who left you that note or barked at you. They're losers. They are the sort of people who make this world a crappy place. Why would you want their approval? You shouldn't. You're a special person because you are unique and willing to find out who you really are as a person rather than trying to be like everyone else. The fact that you are an individual and not a conformist is what irritates boring people like those who have mocked you. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. Hugs, Papabear How do I explain to my children that I'm a furry? Got two of them and want to stop them from getting bullied for having a dad who dresses like a kangaroo.
Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Apparently, your children already know you dress as a kangaroo, so how does explaining you're a furry change that? Since your kids' schoolmates already know, too, then adding that you are a furry will not stop the bullying. Indeed, it could make it more severe. First of all, if your kids are being bullied, make sure the school administrators know. I hope it is not violent bullying that causes physical harm, but even psychological bullying is cruel and damaging. Either way, bullying should not be tolerated in any way. The schoolyard functions much like a wolf pack. There are alpha wolves and there are omega wolves. The wolves at the bottom get picked on by the top wolves to maintain a social hierarchy. Such hierarchies exist in both the animal kingdom and human society. If your children were not being picked on for having a dad who dresses as a kangaroo, odds are they would get picked on for something else because I'm guessing they aren't jocks or on the top of the social cliques. You are, therefore, asking the wrong question. The solution is not so much about telling them you're a furry (although it is related; see below); the solution is to teach your children how to stick up for themselves. Schools are not just places to learn math and English; they are places where children learn to navigate difficult social and relationship situations. You need to teach your children assertiveness, and step one is to be a model of assertiveness to them. Actually, your not telling them you are a furry is a bad lesson to them, so you are correct that you should tell them. By telling them you are a furry and what it means to you, you are demonstrating that you are not ashamed to be yourself. Next, you should explain that they should not be ashamed of who they are. Furthermore, tell them that it is not their job to defend their father. Next time a bully gets in their faces about their kangaroo dad, tell them they should invite those bullies to your house, dress up as a kangaroo, and entertain them for a while. Ask your guests if they have ever pretended to be someone or something they are not, and encourage them to join in on a game of imaginative play. During the imaginative play, you can act out scenarios in which you or one of your kids bullies the bully, but use it as a lesson, such as, "When Mary calls you a fat ass, how do you feel about that? How do you think it made her feel when you called her that?" There are many strategies in dealing with bullies. The three main ones are to be assertive and confident (not defensive), don't be afraid (most bullies are cowards), and ignore/show no reaction to their bullying. Bullies, like online trolls, thrive on knowing they have somehow hurt you. If you show them their words don't affect you in the least, the bully withers and slinks away. This page offers more instructions and strategies to help you and your kids: https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/safety/helping-bullied-child. Hope this helps! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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