"Never Let Them See They Got To You"

Heyo Papabear!

I've written to you before, but I used the name StormFolf! Well, when I wrote you, Storm was my first Fursona, and I hadn't fully gotten into the fandom yet. But now I've done my research and things are going great!

My new name is Harmony. I'm a Raptor! Anyway, I took your advice and told my family and friends about being a Furry, and they were entirely supportive. A few days after telling my brother, he bought me a raptor mask, and a few days after THAT, one of my friends that I told bought me some paws, and painted my mask! Its all thanks to you, and I thank you greatly.

I am doing great, except for one thing. I told one group of friends that I was a furry, but they have banded together and won't stop taunting me. They tell me that I'm a f*g, and tell me to stop watching animal porn, when I've made it clear I'm not into that. I've told many adults, but nothing helps. My mom says I may have to stick up for myself, but idk how.

Please help,
Harmony (age 13)

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Hi, Harmony,

Thank you for your letter and I'm very happy for you that your family has been supportive of your furriness :-3

Okay, about bullies: You may have read some of Papabear's earlier posts about bullies, and the same kind of logic goes with your situation. All bullies are alike, and sometimes they glom together in bully cliques to torment innocent kids like yourself.  Bullies behave this way for a couple of reasons: 1) they are insecure about their status in their social group, so they tear down other people to lift themselves up; 2) they have no skills or redeeming qualities in themselves, so to feel better about who they are they pick on others to try to make them outcasts; 3) they are like wolves in a pack, and sensing weakness in others gives them a reason to go on the attack to assert their place in said pack; 4) they are emotionally troubled because they have a lousy home life, which causes anger to build in them and they release this anger on others because they need to vent their frustrations and sadness in some way (even if that is an inappropriate way [this is like the character Gideon Fox]); and 5) they are fearful of anyone who does not adhere to what are considered "social norms," and fear leads to hate, which leads to bullying.

Once you understand some of the psychology of the bully (or bully group), you will see that the flaws lie within THEM and not within YOU. You don't get bullied because there is something wrong with you; you get bullied because there is something wrong with them. 

You describe these people as "a group of friends," but I assure you, they are not. Not if they treat you this way.

The way to defeat bullies is to take away their power. What is that power? The power is the ability to make you feel bad about yourself. This is reinforced by the strategy of trying to stick a label on you such as "f*g." 

The most effective way of fighting back is to show them that what they say has absolutely no effect on you. Yes, at first, this will be difficult, but the more you practice it the more it will be true. When they say things like "You want to watch animal porn" or "you're a f*g," just say something like, "That would really hurt my feelings if I cared at all who you are or what you say. You're not my friend and I have no respect for your opinion." Don't say this with tears in your eyes or angrily. You must do it with great calm and indifference. The more indifferent you are, the more they will see they are not hurting you, and bullying you won't be fun for them anymore. 

Other things you can say:

• "Huh? Did you say something? Or did you just fart out your mouth?"
• "I'm sorry for your social anxiety issues. Maybe you should see a counselor about your mental problems."
• "You again? Don't you have anything original to say or is it the same lame hate as always?" (this sometimes leaves them stuttering searching for new insults, and you can just keep going about how you've heard it all before and maybe they should work on trying to be more original).
• "You know, when you yell insults your face gets all puckery and red. Not very attractive."
• "Do you kiss your Mommy with that mouth? Does she wrinkle her nose because your breath stinks?"
•  (After a long onslaught of insults) Look at your watch or phone distractedly, maybe take a picture of them, smile and wander off, maybe saying, "Sorry, I have someplace to go that's more interesting than listening to you."
• "Gosh, Tourette Syndrome sure is awful, isn't it? You poor kid."
• In a loud voice, introduce the group with a grand gesture and in a loud voice announce, "Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you, the local chapter of LGBTQ+ Haters of America! Soon to be performing at Kenneth Copeland Bible College and also with Pat Robertson at Regent University!" (a great way to throw the attention on them and away from you)
• "If you're tired of throwing the same insults at me every day, might I suggest you invest in a thesaurus?"
• "You know, I thought you guys were being broadcast in black and white. Turns out, you're just outdated and colorless."
• After listening to them for a while, yawn really loud and look sleepy, then wander off.

​Remember, in NO WAY show to them that you are upset. This is actually where you can take some advice from Nick Fox in Zootopia: "Never let them see they got to you." Don't try to defend yourself with arguments or denials because this is engaging with them and that is exactly what they want. They are not interested in your arguments or in the truth. Their sole purpose is to upset you and pick on you. Don't let them. If you do a good job, they'll get tired of you and pick a new target. Then, you might share with that new person what you have read here.

Get the idea? You can come up with your own comebacks, too, as you feel appropriate. (Remember, if they turn violent, report it at once. I doubt they will because most bullies are cowards, but you never know).

I hope this helps.

Thanks for reading Ask Papabear.

Hugs,
Papabear Grubbs