Why People Bully and What to Do about It

Good evening,

I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings regarding a situation I've been experiencing. As a freshman at THS, I am grateful for the support provided by my IEP. However, I have recently encountered some challenges that I would appreciate your advice or insight on.

In an effort to cope with my autism and ADHD, I've been carrying around a stuffed coyote that holds personal significance to me. It has become a source of comfort during the past few days. Unfortunately, I've noticed that I've become the target of mockery and ridicule from my peers. While I understand that people might not fully comprehend my coping mechanisms, the teasing has been hurtful.

I am reaching out to you in the hopes of seeking guidance on how to navigate this situation. I believe that everyone's unique qualities should be respected, and I am striving to find ways to manage my challenges in a positive and supportive environment. Any advice or explanation you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Your support means a lot to me, and I look forward to your insights.

Finn (14)

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Dear Finn,

Are you sure you're only 14? Because that was a very well-written letter, better than I get from some adults! But let's get down to it.

Emotional Support Plushies (ESPs) are valid tools to help emotionally sensitive people, just as Emotional Support Animals are. Since it's not too practical to bring a live dog or other pet to a school, a plushie is an excellent substitute. Clearly, it is helping you, so you shouldn't get rid of it because you are being teased. 

Why do kids tease you? As a freshman, you are a vulnerable and easy target, and older kids and bullies typically target younger people when it is noticeable that they are different somehow. That's how bullying works: they find someone they feel they can push around who is "different" in some way and then pick on them to make themselves feel better (bullies have a lot of emotional problems themselves and use this strategy to cope in a very unhealthy way).

So, first thing to do is to recognize these bullies and their toadies for what they are: shallow people looking to gain social status by putting other people down. These people do not deserve your respect, and the harsh words of people you do not respect are hollow indeed.

The first strategy in dealing with bullies and taunters is to ignore them. They can only get off on their belittling if it provokes a reaction from you. This is what I do. I have been teased and criticized for everything from this advice column to my Good Furry Awards. When I get hate mail, I simply do not reply to it. When people post nasty messages on Ask Papabear, I simply delete them. I get very little of this nowadays because bullies and haters simply don't get a reaction from me, and they totally hate that. 

Another strategy some use is humor. A number of famous comedians (Robin Williams comes to mind) survived taunting at school by becoming class clowns. Try turning around the taunts about carrying a plush coyote with stuff like this:

• I'm studying to be a taxidermist, and this is my homework
• Yeah, this is a coyote. I couldn't catch the road runner
• What do you get when you wind string around coyotes? Yo-Yotes
• What kind of luggage do coyotes take on planes? Carrion
• What do you get after an animal dinner party? Stuffed animals.

If you're no good at ignoring or humoring people, you might try educating them.

• Did you know that 40% of American adults sleep with plush toys? Did you know that youth suicides in America have risen 50% in the last 20 years? Anxiety and depression are way up, too. Many psychologists and psychiatrists agree that simple tools like ESPs have proven beneficial in alleviating this crisis. My counselor suggested this for me, so I'm doing this on advice from a professional. (Here's an interesting article on that https://www.sleep.com/sleep-tech/stuffed-animals-for-adults)
• I bet you a lot of the people here in this room have plushies at home. But they might be too scared to admit it because they are afraid of being teased. It doesn't bother me, though. (Raising your voice) And if anyone here has a plushy or two at home that you like to hold, don't be ashamed. It's okay to do that.

High school is tough. Unlike middle or grade school, everyone has raging hormones and is struggling to find their place in society. This results in a lot of competition, social posturing, and plain old meanness. Recognizing the fact that all your peers--even the bullies, and, maybe, ESPECIALLY the bullies--are going through emotional and hormonal turmoil can help you recognize that they are all temporarily insane and should be regarded as such. 

When they act out against other kids, it actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If it wasn't you and your plushie, it would be the fat kid or the unathletic kid or the shy kid or the trans kid or the Muslim kid or anyone they can label as different. Heck, even me, a white boy, was targeted for being German (I got a lot of "Heil Hitlers" because my last name is Hile), and even made fun of because I was born in "a mass of two shits" (aka Massachusetts). So, you see, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as they find something--anything--different about you AND sense weakness (rather like a pack of feral dogs jockeying for status).

You can't change how others behave, but you can control how you react to it.

Be chill. Be bear. Be cool. As Nick Wilde said, "Never let them see they got to you."

Hugs,
Papabea