Hey, Papabear,

​I just rediscovered your website when I did a Google search for "furry therapists" (with most results just being for service dogs, go figure) and someone mentioned you in a Reddit post as an alternative. The few actual therapists in the fandom are only in other states and can't take out-of-state patients, so after reading through a few pages of letters you replied to, I figured I'd reach out.

While I do have a regular therapist, and she knows I'm a furry, I haven't gotten around to discussing my issues in the fandom with her, and her knowledge is very limited on furry stuff so I don't think she'd really get it. I just discuss my other life issues with her.

Anyway, my issue is: the entire fandom hates me, and it's destroying my life, my mental well-being, my physical well-being, and I truly wish I never existed because it seems nothing good has come from my existence and nobody wants anything to do with me.

Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels true. My history in the fandom is a long one, with a few happy moments, but ultimately, now it has ended and has left a huge hole in my heart that cannot be repaired or mended.

I'll start by saying, other furries were always very wary of me. They always hated me, avoided me, etc. I knew I was a fur for like 5 years before I finally reached out and began socializing with furs in 2010, at age 18. I got the rudest welcome and almost kicked out right then and there because I've always been different from stereotypical furs. I don't have casual sex (or any at all), I don't do substance use (no drinking, weed, drugs, etc.) or hard partying. I'm not a smart techie bro who works I.T.- I'm awful with computers. The list goes on but I just felt like I wasn't what the fandom wanted, and even though it's more accepting nowadays, it still has a long way to go and I'm not part of that, apparently.

Anyway, my initial stint in the fandom lasted 2010-2014 roughly, with like a 18-month gap in there even because of arguments with local and online furs. Despite being only 18, they all got mad that I wasn't the alcohol-loving hard-partying Chad they wished I was. And awareness for neurodivergence wasn't so much a thing at the time (I was undiagnosed back then). I had heard the fandom was accepting; instead, they treated me like an unwanted loser until they finally kicked me out of the local group, because I made an angry reply to being bullied.

Fast forward years later, I had moved nearly 1,000 miles away (I'm not originally from SC), struggled for like 8 years to find furs. Then I thought I found my diamonds in the rough when in 2022 I finally had a local furry group to hang out with, and they seemed to like me and were really cool with how I was. In late 2023 I attended my first fur con and loved it so much, I attended a bunch more after if I could.

Sadly, I'm writing you because this didn't last too long. I still had a lot of issues with many furs hating me, ignoring me, trying to shove me away, and it pisses me off how unfriendly this fandom is as a whole when I was trying to socialize. In 2024 I got into an argument with someone on Telegram, and I called him a slur and said I wished he died (I have bad anger issues).

Well people keep spreading this screenshot around in furry groups around the southeast U.S. and other stuff about me. They keep acting like I'm a violent monster of some sort. I'm not banned from any cons, but am banned from the dance competition events at cons I used to try and compete in. I enjoyed these so much and it leaves me so heartbroken I can't explain. Moreover, I noticed the past 2 cons I went to, many furs I used to be cool with are now ignoring me and refusing to talk to me. I also got banned from my local fur groups because NCAS made my local friends ban me. Now, the nearest fur willing to talk to me lives hours away, and I can maybe seem him a few times a year if that.

I have no non-fur friends sadly; tried making them for years, there are none where I live (retirement area mostly full of conservative boomers). Ever since I discovered this fandom, all I wanted was to fit in; to feel like I belonged. And the brief time I did, it felt great and were some of the best moments of my life. But having it all so harshly taken away has left me in a state of wreck I can only begin to describe.

I keep getting really bad/violent thoughts randomly. Horrible mood swings. I can't work much at all so I'll have to leave my job before I'm a danger to myself or anyone else. I keep thinking I'll need to "un-alive" myself. All I wanna do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and sleep way too much. I keep binge-eating to the point of gaining weight. I no longer have things I enjoy. I feel unable to enjoy video games, music, creative endeavors, etc. The fandom was so important to my life and it feels like the worst heartbreak ever. And I'm sick of being forced into a world that doesn't fucking want me.

I tried apologizing to many people multiple times, but nobody nowadays accepts apologies. They all want nothing to do with me. They want me gone. I'm a pathetic loser and always was, according to them. Now this is the second time I got disowned by the fandom, but it's so much more painful this time around. I don't have the energy or resources to move far away, make a new fursona and re-emerge. I think my life is just over at this point.

I've been on psychiactric medications in the past, but I don't believe in them anymore because they never did anything for me, and only gave me bad side effects. Plus I have too many money issues to be able to afford them. My current therapist is the only one I can get; she's nice but not the most helpful with certain things. And I'm afraid to call the Suicide Hotline because they'll involuntarily commit me and send me a huge bill I can't afford. It feels like there's no solution to this problem. I can't force the fandom to like or accept me, and it's on my mind 24/7 and it's making me go crazy.

Idk what I'm even asking at this point. I've only just touched the surface of my issue and I already wrote so much. I guess my question is: what can I do about this? It's ruining my life. I want to be in this fandom and be liked and have friends more than anything else in the entire world, and not being able to is making me wanna kill myself or even worse.

Gunther Spierman (age 32)

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​Dear Gunther,

Thank you for your letter. I'm proud of you for reaching out. I bet that wasn't easy. As you know, I am not a professional therapist, so please keep that in mind as I write the following to you....

Important stuff first. The Suicide Hotline at 988 is a FREE service. You do not have to pay for it. It is staffed by a mix of professional therapists and some volunteers who are not pros but who have been trained to talk to people in crisis. So, if you get to a serious point where you really feel at risk of self-harm, please dial the hotline. And I will tell you a little thing about myself on this topic. I wish 988 had been there when I was 18, which is the year I almost died through a suicide attempt. Thankfully, I was not successful. But my attempt hurt many of my loved ones, especially my mother, and I regret that very much. Think about your loved ones and how your actions affect them. Also, know that when you are in the mindset of contemplating suicide, you are not really in your right state of mind. You are not thinking clearly. That's why you need someone like the good people on the hotline to snap you out of it and bring your perspective back to where it should be. An example of perspective? You said it yourself: Not everyone in the fandom hates you. Most furries don't even know you (wink wink). I don't hate you. So, bear that in mind.

Good news that you have a therapist. Kudos. And you really should open up to her about your furry issues. She might not know about the fandom in particular, but she does understand group dynamics and can likely offer you insights.

Many furries experience what you have experienced, which is that they are told what I call "The Furry Fandom Fairy Tale" that we are all warm, loving, accepting people. Nonsense. There is no such thing as any huge group of people who are all accepting and loving. It's kind of like what Nick Wilde told Judy Hopps in Zootopia about how hayseed animals from the Sticks come to the city thinking the animals all get along and sing Kumbaya around campfires. Bullshit. THAT said, there is some truth about the fandom being accepting in that anyone can be a furry. Also, since the demographics tend to have a lot of people from segments of the population that are often alienated by the mainstream (i.e., e.g., LGBTQIA people, people on the autism spectrum, nerdy and shy people, geeky techy folk, and so on), then it is much more likely you will find people like that when you start getting active in the fandom and they will be cool with you because, hey, they are like you in a lot of ways.

It is also true, demographically speaking, that many furries skew to the younger age groups (teens and twenties). At that time in people's lives, hormones are raging and sex is on the brain. I confess as a younger furry I did quite a bit of adult RP stuff online. The joke used to be "If you see a drawing of an anthro and you get aroused, you're likely a furry." The good part about this is that the fandom provides an environment unhindered by sexual conventions, so it allows people to experiment and get in touch with their true sexuality without being constrained by, say, their parents' religious beliefs or peer group pressures. The bad news is that this can also lead to some unwanted sexual advances, and many young furs think they can get away with anything. A story I like to tell involves my days back in Michigan when I was with Jim (who sadly passed 10 years ago). Anyway, I convinced Jim (who wasn't a furry but was fur friendly) to come with me with some other furs to see Where the Wild Things Are. Before the movie, we all went to a diner for lunch. Jim and I sat with a table of four other furries. One was a chubby young woman who sat next to Jim (Jim was a big ol' handsome bear). So, anyway, even though it was pretty obvious that Jim and I were a couple, she nudges up to him and whispers, "You know, the cool thing about the fandom is you can sleep with anyone." Jim looked at her and was like, "Um, you know my boyfriend is sitting right here and no, no you can't." After that, she stayed away from us. I'm sure she trashed us to the others in her group because I didn't hear from them again after that.

So, yeah, that kind of crap happens, but not all furries are like that--not by any stretch of the imagination. It is a diverse group of people. When it comes to sex, you have everything from total furverts to 100% asexuals and everything in between--everything imaginable, really. The lesson here is that you really need to get to know people before making friends. A good way to do that is online in special interest groups (SIGs), where you can hopefully meet furries who share your interests, make friends with them, and then meet them in person. Many people do what you do in going to local meets where they don't know anyone and then they can have some awkward encounters. That's why I don't go to furmeets (e.g. the Prancing Skiltaire) unless I know someone there beforehand. Going in blind and hoping you'll have a great time merely because the people there are also furries increases the likelihood of a bad day.

A suggestion for you: Now that you are 32 years old, you are eligible to join my Greymuzzle Facebook group ((12) Greymuzzles (30 and older furs only) | Facebook), which is full of good furries. How do I know? I and other carefully selected admins screen the 5,000+ members very carefully. Only 1 in 6 applicants gets in. And we constantly stay on the lookout for naughty furries. So, I invite you to join us there. If you're not on Facebook, there are other greymuzzle groups on platforms like Telegram and Bluesky you can check into. They are not run by me, but they should have more mature members there, and they tend to be more chill than your typical furry groups. (After I wrote this paragraph, I saw you applied! Welcome to the group!)

Next, let's address your reputation issues. It's hard for me to gauge this for you exactly, not knowing the circumstances and only knowing that you got angry and yelled about something, which doesn't seem like much or a reason to be banned from a group. Also, NCAS (that's the North Carolina Anthro Society, right?) telling your local meet to ban you is pretty shitty. But if you have "anger issues" that medications don't ease, that might be exacerbating the problem. 

That brings me to how to deal with anger problems. Hey! Another thing I personally know about! I too have experienced anger issues. What are anger issues? Well, this is the inability to control upwellings of strong negative emotions that can cause you to lash out verbally or even physically at others. I think we can all agree that this is a big turnoff for many people, and they tend to not want to deal with people who have anger issues. There are some ways to manage them, though, even without drugs (a solution people too often turn to, but that is not to say there are cases when medicine can help, especially when your issues ). Some things you can do:

• Exercise: Indulging in physical exercise is a great way to burn off excess energy that would otherwise manifest in angry outbursts. In other words, it can calm you down.
• Meditation (and "mindfulness"): There's a lot to this that I don't have the time to go into, and you can find lots of videos on "meditation for beginners," but to summarize, meditation is just taking a few minutes to yourself to turn off the TV, your phone, and other distractions, sit in a quiet place, be present in the moment, and allow your mind to rest. Don't force yourself to think, and don't try to "clear your mind of thoughts" as some advocate. Just let yourself be, your mind wander, reconnecting to yourself.
• Be kind to yourself: People forget to do this, but you should try and do something nice for yourself daily. It doesn't have to be big. Indeed, small things are the best. Just something nice. Like, enjoy a nice walk in a park. Listen to a favorite song and dance around in your living room. Give someone you like a hug. Take a long bath. That sort of thing. Give yourself a break.

As to the gist of your email, it can be encapsulated in these two statements: "I truly wish I never existed because it seems nothing good has come from my existence and nobody wants anything to do with me" and "I want to be in this fandom and be liked and have friends more than anything else in the entire world, and not being able to is making me wanna kill myself or even worse."

What you're suffering from here is very commonplace these days: the idea that you need to be noticed and validated in order to be a worthwhile person. When you claim nothing good has come from your existence, that's your depression talking. I'm sure that in your life something good has resulted from you being in this world, even a little thing. And how should we define "good" anyway? To me, having a good effect on this world would be doing anything--even a tiny thing--that has helped other people, animals, or the world in general. You don't have to invent a cure for cancer or end world hunger to be a worthwhile person. Indeed, if you want to know what your purpose in life is, ask me sometime because that's a whole nuther column. I'll tell you one thing, the purpose of your life has nothing to do with being liked by other people or being a part of this fandom. Indeed, if you find that you don't fit into this fandom, you haven't looked hard enough. Like I said, we're diverse. You can find young and old, rich and poor, smart and not so smart, white and black, gay and straight and trans, religious and spiritual and completely materialistic, sex maniacs and virgins, sci-fi fanatics and readers of classic literature, train and car aficionados and people who cross stitch and knitting, athletes and chubbies, and on and on. We are not all alike, so it is highly doubtful that we would all feel the same way about you.

And even if not a single furry accepted you, that's not important. You need to accept yourself. Indeed, accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a highly attractive trait. You will find that 9 out of 10 people in this life prefer making friends with people who like themselves than people who don't like themselves.

So, Gunther. Why don't you like yourself? And what things about yourself do you like? These are the things you need to explore, and once you figure it out, you'll have made a huge leap toward eliminating your fears and anxieties that are holding you back.

What do you think? Write again and let me know.

In the meantime, welcome to my Greymuzzle group :)

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions lately and was hoping to hear your thoughts about something personal.

Recently, I joined a furry Discord server hoping to connect with others in the community and ease my growing loneliness. While the people there are incredibly kind and supportive, I’ve found that instead of feeling more connected, being surrounded by their positivity and camaraderie has only amplified my sense of isolation.

I decided to suggest a space in the server where people could openly share their struggles—a place for vulnerability and honesty—because I thought it might help people like me who feel disconnected. However, the suggestion was understandably denied for reasons I had anticipated, such as concerns over moderation, misuse, and triggering content.

Now that it’s been denied, I’m reflecting on everything, and I find myself caught in a loop of feelings. On one hand, I respect the mods’ decision, and I never wanted to create a burden for them or the community. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that my need for connection, and even my loneliness itself, is something selfish or shameful.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: how can I come to terms with these feelings of rejection and loneliness without internalizing them as a reflection of my worth? And how can I continue to seek connection and be honest about my struggles without feeling like a burden to others?

Thank you so much for reading this. I deeply appreciate your time and guidance.

Sincerely,
Samuel (23, Indonesia)

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Hi, Samuel,

Thank you for your email. Quick question before I reply with a full response: Are you able to meet furries IN PERSON in Indonesia? I know there are furries in your country, but not sure whether you have been able to meet them in the real world.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Hi Papabear!


First of all thank you for the quick response. For your information, I have two furry friends from my country (one introduced by my best friend because I write a furry story, the other I found out is one when I was going through his art social media). However, the first one is much like me, struggling to find furry friends due to: (1) financial constraints to attend Indonesian furry expos (there is IWAG [Indonesian Weekend Anthro Gathering]), (2) having a hard-time looking for a furry server where the members are from Indonesian, and (3) having a terrible experience from Indonesian furries we DID meet online (we even used the app BARQ!), which is why the two of us are so keen on joining a server or meeting one not from our country.

As for the second friend, he's an anti-LGBTQ+ and I'm kinda discouraged to be friends with him, knowing that Indonesia itself has a strict religious law (so is my patriarchal and religious household). I myself have an anti-LGBTQ+ best friend that I don't mind hanging around and be vulnerable with at all (he even knows I'm a furry), but for this other friend... suffice to say that I don't want to be friends with him. When I confronted him in hopes to rekindle our friendship (literally a few days ago), he was being pretty rude, defensive, and outright disrespecting me even after saying "he respects my choice"; it's clear he didn't.

And... maybe to add a bit of context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to seek professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a big barrier, but beyond that, there’s a strong stigma in my family around mental health (and the fact religion and politics are avoided discussions in servers are not helping). Discussions about seeking therapy are often shut down with the belief that religion is the solution to all struggles, and anything beyond that is seen as unnecessary or even shameful.

Ironically, I helped co-found a free counseling platform in Indonesia for almost six years now, called Berbagicerita.id, which aims to make counseling accessible for those in need. However, as the co-founder, I can’t use the platform myself because of ethical boundaries in psychology. It’s like this: when you’re working with staff you know personally, disclosing personal problems creates a conflict of interest that can affect the dynamic of future professional interactions. Even the founder, who has a difficult life too, don’t use the platform for the same reasons—it’s a boundary we all respect. While I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve built, it also leaves me in a difficult position, unable to access the kind of help I’ve been advocating for others.

And if you ask me why I don't use other free counseling platforms, it's because of the same reason as well. Many of the counselors or psychologists on these platforms are often connected within the same professional network as my own platform, or they could even end up being people I’ve collaborated with in the past. The overlap makes it difficult for me to seek help without worrying about breaching boundaries or feeling self-conscious about disclosing my struggles to people who might know me personally or professionally.

It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. The server modder who disclosed that my suggestion for a venting channel suggested me to find social group, but he doesn't know about this additional context/information because it's a very private information for me and I can't just disclose this to everyone in the community, even if it's just to add a context of where I'm coming from.

It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment.

Thank you again for listening, and for taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. It means a lot to me.

Sincerely,
Samuel

P.S. Sorry, I'm just going to make the third paragraph less confusing:
And... maybe to add a bit more context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to access professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a major obstacle, but even beyond that, my family holds a strong stigma against mental health support. In their view, religion is the ultimate solution to all struggles, and seeking therapy is often dismissed as unnecessary or even shameful. This mindset has created an environment where discussing mental health is not only avoided but actively discouraged. On top of that, the avoidance of topics like religion and politics in many online spaces, including this furry server I join, makes it even harder to express how deeply this affects me. I respect the boundary and am fully aware of it, but it doesn't make it any easier for me at all.
* * *

Hi, Samuel,

So, which Indonesian furry groups have you tried? Have you tried:

• https://furries.id/
• (5) FURRYINDONESIA(IDN) | Facebook
• Indonesia Furs (@indonesiafurs) • Instagram photos and videos ?

As you are aware, living in a Muslim country means you're going to have a tough time being a furry. Frankly, it's amazing that there exists the IWAG, and I heard there was a convention called PAWAI, but it did not have a convention in 2024 and probably won't this year. So, yes, that's rough. The furry community in general overwhelmingly embraces left-leaning, liberal views, such as acceptance of LGBTQIA people. We also believe in mental health. Rough to be in such a conservative culture that finds seeking emotional or mental counseling to be a "weakness." One also finds that attitude in Catholic-dominated countries such as Mexico and conservative countries like Nigeria in Africa. 

With the limited number of opportunities in Indonesia currently, it will indeed be a challenge for you to connect to your local peers with what is currently available.

But you already have hit upon a solution, even if you don't apparently realize it. When you saw a need for it, you cofounded Berbagicerita.id (and kudos to you for doing that!) As you stated, however, getting help from a professional group you helped to found does not really work, ethically speaking. 

Fortunately, that constraint doesn't apply when it comes to the furry fandom. Here are some examples from my personal experience:

1. Thirteen years ago, I saw a need for a place for furries to go for advice, so I created this advice column, "Ask Papabear."
2. Around the same time, I saw a need for a social media group for furries 30 and older, so I created the Facebook Greymuzzles page. 
3. Last year, I also founded the Silvermuzzles Facebook group for furries 50 and older. This addresses the needs of an aging furry demographic.
4. Six years ago, I founded The Good Furry Awards to help recognize good deeds performed by kind furries and to counteract all the negativity in the fandom.
5. Two years ago, I founded Uncle Bear Publishing (which is still getting off the ground) to produce educational nonfiction books for the furry fandom.
6. This year, I founded Furries for Freedom on Facebook to provide social support and education to furries living in the United States in the fascistic Trump era.
7. I even created a Bear Furries group on Facebook because bears are a minority and need to support one another in the fandom.

When you see a need for something but you can't find any existing resources and help, create a group, service, or product yourself to fulfill that need! I guarantee that you are not the only Indonesian who is in your predicament. Start a social media page, a vlog, a podcast, a website, or such-like things and get people to come to YOU. I will even help. If you do this and want to promote it, I will give you a free banner ad on my Ask Papabear page and promote it on my social media groups.

What say you?

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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Hi, Papabear,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response. It truly means a lot to me that you not only took the time to share your experiences but also provided concrete suggestions and support. Honestly, I’ve been reading your site’s “About” section and some of the letters others have sent you, and it’s inspiring to see how much you’ve built for the furry community and the impact you’ve had over the years. It’s clear how deeply you care about creating spaces for people to feel seen and supported, and I really admire that.

That said, I also want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally right now. While I deeply admire your “build what you can’t find” philosophy, it feels overwhelming to even imagine taking on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life. I feel like I’m still in the process of finding my own footing and understanding what I need to feel connected and supported.

Loneliness and the lack of safe spaces to truly be vulnerable have been long-standing challenges for me. I’ve spent so much of my life navigating environments where being open about my struggles felt unsafe or even impossible, at least when I'm not with my friends which I don't have much, really. The furry fandom feels like one of the few places where acceptance and understanding are deeply valued, which is why I’ve been so drawn to it. But even here, I sometimes feel like I’m standing on the sidelines, watching others find belonging while not knowing how to step in myself without feeling like I’m asking too much. It’s as though everyone else has already traveled miles ahead on their journey of self-acceptance and connection, while I’m still stumbling at the starting line. And the last thing I want is to weigh anyone down by pretending I’ve caught up when I know deep down I haven’t.

One thing I’ve realized too is that I know I’ve fallen into this habit of defining myself and my worth through my vulnerabilities—what I consider the “ugly” or broken parts of me. It’s almost as though my struggles with basically everything in this life have become a kind of shorthand for my identity, when in reality, those "ugly" things are only part of who I am. I know I’m not just a collection of struggles; I’m a multifaceted person with dreams, interests, and values that go beyond these challenges. Still, I feel like I’ve let these struggles take up so much space in how I see myself and how I present myself to others, and I guess that's why I'm so desperate for connection...
I’ve also been grappling with a deeply rooted sense of what’s “ethical” when it comes to vulnerability, which only amplifies this sense of existential isolation and angst. Even in a space as welcoming and inclusive as the furry community, I can’t seem to shake the fear of being seen as a burden—of overwhelming others with my struggles or taking up too much space. This fear isn’t just fleeting; It's been a part of my principles. This kind of irrational-but- understandable fear has even triggered panic attacks in the past, where the thought of being “too much” for others (or worse, being completely forgotten) has left me paralyzed.

It’s a complicated mix of self-awareness and self-doubt, really. On one hand, I recognize my struggles and understand that everyone has limits to how much they can take on emotionally (like people in any Discord server, not just furry). On the other hand, this hyper-awareness makes me hesitate to reach out at all, as if my desire for connection might outweigh someone else’s ability or willingness to hold space for me. It’s like walking a tightrope between craving meaningful relationships and being terrified of what they might cost—whether that cost is pushing someone away, feeling rejected, or confirming my worst fear: that I’m fundamentally too much to handle.

Underneath all this is a deeper longing to break free from cycles of hatred, both external and internal. I’m exhausted from hating parts of myself that I didn’t choose and from feeling like those same parts make me an outsider. And I’m equally tired of the unspoken battles with judgment, both within myself and from others, that make vulnerability feel like a double-edged sword. I just want to exist as I am—flawed, complex, and human—without fear that my authenticity will hurt or alienate the very people I want to connect with.

But then again, vulnerability is not always appreciated, and boundaries exist, and I can’t expect everyone to have the capacity or the energy to handle what I bring to the table. And since I'm too self-aware of everything, I understand that very well. and I deeply respect people’s right to protect their own emotional well-being. But at the same time, it’s hard not to wonder where that leaves me—how I can navigate these boundaries without shutting myself off entirely. I want to honor both my needs and the needs of others, but finding that balance feels like an impossible puzzle one of these digital days.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for guidance on how to move forward when it feels like everything is weighing me down. How do I approach building meaningful connections without being consumed by fear or self-doubt? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable in ways that feel healthy and ethical, for both myself and those around me? And perhaps most importantly, how do I stop defining myself by my struggles and instead learn to embrace the full scope of who I am?
Thank you again for your kindness and for offering to help. Your willingness to listen and share your wisdom has already made me feel a little less alone, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

Sincere Hugs,
Samuel

* * *

Dear Samuel,

I understand that creating a social group and leading it is not for everyone. Don't feel bad about that.

Next question: What do you feel are your "vulnerabilities" and "weaknesses"? What qualities do you feel others are judging you for--and, more importantly--are YOU judging yourself for?

pbear

* * *

Dear Papabear,


To answer your question, I would say that my vulnerabilities often lie in how deeply I feel and experience things. It’s like I’m constantly walking around with raw emotions, sometimes even when I don’t want to. It makes it difficult to function normally or engage with others without feeling like my emotions are too overwhelming, not just for me, but for those around me too. I find myself hyper-aware of this, as if my emotional intensity might somehow spill over into every interaction or space I enter, which is one of the reasons I’ve often kept my struggles hidden or downplayed them.

I also judge myself for the times when I feel like I’m too much to handle. Whether it’s being too vulnerable, too emotional, or too open about my challenges, there’s this constant nagging voice that tells me I’m asking too much from others. It's like there’s always this internal weighing of whether my need for connection is valid or just a burden. That makes me hold back from being authentic sometimes, because I fear that if I let it all show, people will pull away or even look at me with pity or judgment.

I think I also carry around this fear of being judged for the very parts of me I find hardest to accept—my flaws, my mental health struggles, and the moments when I just feel lost. It’s hard to separate those things from my identity, and I often wonder if others are seeing me through that lens, too. I’m afraid that I’m defined only by the parts of me I wish I could change or get rid of.

But at the same time, I know that these “vulnerabilities” don’t define me as a whole person. They’re just pieces of a larger puzzle that I haven’t fully figured out yet. That’s why I sometimes feel so conflicted about being vulnerable—because I’m still trying to make sense of it all, to figure out which parts of me deserve to be seen and shared, and which parts need more healing before they can be part of my connection with others.

I’m still young and learning how to balance those feelings and not let them take up all the space in my life. I want to move toward a place where I can accept both the beauty and the brokenness of who I am, and where I don’t feel so deeply judged by myself or by others for being human.

I hope this gives you a clearer sense of what I’m grappling with, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Apologies in advance if everything about my letter getting too heavy or philosophical at this point.

Warmly,
Samuel

* * *

Hi, Samuel,

My next question is perhaps rather obvious: Have you ever been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum? 

Pbear

* * *

Hi, Papabear
No, I have not. I've never been diagonosed with anything (neurologically and psychologically).
Samuel

* * *

Tell me, do you have any of these symptoms?

Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | CDC

pbear

* * *

I've just read the website. I don't think I used to display any of these symptoms back when I was a kid because I wasn't afraid to make friends back then.

I just asked my mom and she said I've been shy since I was a baby. She also said that I'm always the one approached first and not the one approaching, that I'd even hide behind people if I make eye contact. I guess looking back at the friendships I made during my school years, even now that I've finished college, it makes sense.

Samuel
* * *

Well, it sounds like you are simply shy, which is different from being autistic, of course.

I was very shy as a child, too, and as a teen. I was terrified of speaking in public, but I overcame this. How? By becoming a zoo docent. A docent, if you don't know, is a volunteer who talks to guests about exhibits, such as at museums and zoos. I was a docent at the Detroit Zoo and then the Potter Park Zoo in Lansing, Michigan. To be a docent, you have to take a class to learn about the animals on exhibit and also basics of zoology and the environment. When you finish the class, you can give tours and school visits and other presentations for the zoo society, which, of course, means public speaking.

The reasons why this helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of groups were that I knew the subject matter and I cared about what I was telling people. Once you have these factors in your pocket, it dramatically reduces your fears because you gain confidence in your material. At least, that was true in my case. I think it was for others, too.

To reduce shyness, you therefore require confidence in yourself. How does one accomplish this? Several ways:

• Practice mindfulness. These two words encompass a lot, but basically it means being fully aware of your surroundings and your bodily state in the present moment. Building this skill helps decrease and eventually eliminate reflexive and destructive thoughts and emotions. To save space, here's a helpful link on tips on how to practice mindfulness:  How to Practice Mindfulness: 11 Practical Steps and Tips
• Related to mindfulness is to stop seeking approval and vaildation from others. Much misery and anxiety is found in people who base their existence on a desperate need to gain the approval of family, friends, and peers. Stop worrying about what others think and be yourself. I know, that is a lot easier for me to write than it is to do, but you can do it with practice and time.
• Don't over analyze and overthink things. This gets you stuck in, as you say, a loop that will prevent you from taking action and doom you to a state of pointless self-reflection.
• Do not indulge in self-criticism. This is a toughy. Whenever you find yourself saying something negative about who you are, pause, find a mirror, look at yourself, and say 3 good things about yourself for every 1 thing you said that was bad. 
• Only speak when you know what you're talking about; if you don't know what you're talking about, listen.
• Read read read read. There is so much to learn about our universe! Consume information like a thirsty man in the desert.

Once you have practiced the above for a sufficient amount of time, you will find your self-confidence has grown considerably. When we are self-confident and accepting of ourselves, we no longer feel lonely even when we are alone because we no longer need validation of others or even the company of others to feel comfortable in our own skin. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely, you see.

How does this solve your problem? You will find it true that people who are desperate for companionship exude an air of desperation that is offputting to others and drives them away. When you are no longer desperate for company, people gravitate to you. There is something extremely attractive about someone who is comfortable in their own skin. They feel genuine, and genuine people tend not to be fakes and liars, which is also very appealing.

Even though you still have the issue of limited socializing opportunities in Indonesia, this is the start of helping you not only to connect to others but also to not feel desperate when you do not do so quickly because you are fine on your own. He who is comfortable being alone with himself will never be lonely.

Thoughts?

pbear

* * *

Dear Papabear,
I’ve read through your suggestions carefully, and I've written and rewritten this reply for almost three hours. I have to admit that you’ve hit on some truths I’ve been reluctant to fully admit to myself. I'm not just shy, but I do also struggle with overcoming shyness itself, though I think my situation is also worsened by a history of overthinking, self-hatred, and self-doubt that often spirals into fear of judgment or rejection. What you’re saying about mindfulness, self-acceptance, and letting go of the need for external validation, however, really resonates with me, even if it feels like a steep hill to climb right now.
I think one of my biggest challenges is the constant internal push-and-pull between wanting to connect deeply with others and fearing that I’m too much to handle. It’s like I know, intellectually, that I shouldn’t define myself by other people’s perceptions or approval, but emotionally, it’s harder to internalize that. You’re right: this fear of rejection and the pressure to “be enough” causes me to act in ways that probably come across as desperate, even if I don’t mean to. Your reminder that self-confidence and authenticity naturally draw people in is going to be something I’ll try to keep in mind as I work on myself.
Your story about being a zoo docent was also comforting to hear. I think a big part of my struggle is that I’ve let my fears hold me back from taking those kinds of risks; whether it’s joining a group or starting a conversation. Reading about how you overcame your shyness reminds me that change is possible, but only if I’m willing to take the first step voluntarily.
You're also... very right about how I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing every little thing I say or do and how others might interpret it. This overthinking keeps me stuck and prevents me from taking meaningful action, whether it’s pursuing friendships or simply allowing myself to enjoy the moment.
Reflecting on this now reminds me of the time I used to struggle a lot with anger, which I'm pretty sure may have been linked to undiagnosed intermittent explosive disorder (IED) and was heavily influenced by my environment. Growing up, my "family dynamics" played a big role in shaping my emotional responses. Constant tension, my parents’ fights, and the emotional outlet my brother and I became... I experienced punishment, neglect, or criticism over small things, like getting wet in the rain or taking a bath "clumsily," and that emotional strain built up over time. As I got older and my brother distanced himself, I became even more isolated in my frustration.
While I can acknowledge how my environment influenced me, I also realize that I was the agent of my own anger; just as I am right now the agent of my own criticism. It was exhausting, and at some point, I just decided to let go because I don't want to be like my mother, although she's better now despite her still-suffocating religious principles. I still have moments of irritation, of course, but they’re far less intense than they used to be. And now, thinking about what you’ve said, I realize how much mental space I still give to these loops of self-reflection—why this, why that. Maybe just like I stop letting my anger control me, I should also stop letting my crticisms control me. Maybe I should also internalize the idea that I don't want to be what my parents made me do to myself.
Maybe I should also admit that it’s mentally draining to constantly question whether I’ve shared too much or if my vulnerability is a burden to others. I think my shyness often comes from this fear of opening up too far, too fast, and then being judged for it. Perhaps I should care less about whether I’ve revealed too much or if others are silently judging me. Maybe that way I can actually start to connect with people in a way that feels genuine instead of forced or guarded. Do it not too slow, not too fast, but just the right amount: at its own pace.
Finally, your point about being “alone” vs. “lonely” really hit home. I’ve always struggled to be comfortable in my own company, and it often turns into brooding or self-criticism rather than a chance to recharge. I’m realizing that if I can be at peace with my own presence, it’ll help with everything else—self-acceptance, confidence, and connecting with others without relying on validation.
Thank you again for your kindness and honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about and work on, and while I know change won’t happen overnight, I feel like I have a much better sense of where to start now.
Warmly,
Samuel

* * *

Hi, Samuel,

Well, I don't think I said this would be easy. I really only started to come into my own truth about 10 years ago. I spent 50 years feeling miserable and trying to please others. It never works. You have to be who you are and accept who you are.

IMHO, one of the best paths to do this is to learn about Buddhism. Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion, and teaches us mindfulness and acceptance of ourselves and the universe. Another good path is Wicca, which is a modern version of traditional "pagan" beliefs as they were once followed by the Druids. You can also study the Stoics, which I have found helpful.

Good luck to you.

Pbear

[Papabear Note: This is a special column that is, I feel, relevant to many furries, including myself. As I have noted before on this website, yours truly has struggled a lot with depression and negativity. I have sought ways to alleviate this to mixed success. A notion started to form in my head that has been supported by some articles I have written in psychology journals that being unhappy and feeling sorry for oneself can actually create a feedback loop that becomes addictive. This feedback is bolstered by social media, where we post about how sad we are and poor me and we get reinforcement from friends, family, and acquaintances that actually make us feel better about being sad. We get attention. We get validation. Now, of course emotional support from our friends and family is important and helpful in a crisis, but sometimes it can lead to a state in which one actually prefers feeling sad and negative than happy and positive because it gains them attention, easing loneliness. This can backfire, too, when it becomes off-putting to your social circle. It is, to say the least, a complicated issue. The following is an excerpt of a conversation I've been having with a furry (who shall remain anonymous). I'm only publishing this small part of it to make my point.]

Papabear,

I just take rejection very hardly. It gets me really painful. VERY PAINFUL. It's not like I never was rejected, it's that I was rejected a lot, as much that even a single acceptance would be insignificant for me. I used to be bullied when I was in elementary school, as well as I was bullying others myself, after that I got sent to a mental hospital... where I was diagnosed with autism and later rediagnosed with schizophrenia... All because I faked having hallucinations which were merely intrusive thoughts about a guy who used to bully me... I didn't tell my psychiatrist that I was bullied because if I would tell there will be problems, and I didn't want them... I ignore positive things in my life and focus on negatives a lot. Because the pain I feel from negativity is bigger than the pleasure from positivity. No wonder why I get hurt when people block me, and tell me that I'm a stalker and that I should leave them alone.
 
I have actually a lot of online friends but very few offline friends. Even they aren't that significant to me because I'm insensitive to positive emotions, but very sensitive to negative...
 
If I only could have a magic wand, I wish I could feel positive emotions just like a cat would taste sweet after it... Focusing on positive emotions is very important for friendship maintaining... If I only were able to feel positive emotions which is necessary to focusing on them, nobody would ever block me... (cries)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

It seems pretty clear to me that you have an unhappiness addiction, especially when you say you get more stimulation from negative emotions than from positive ones. This is compounded, obviously, by your autism. You are also doing yourself no favors by not telling your therapist everything that is going on with you, which indicates you are sabotaging your own therapy in order to get off on feeling bad.

Yes, sadness addiction is a thing. Here are some possible reasons as written about Dr. David Sack in Psychology Today:

There are two methods for overcoming your addiction: 1) seek professional help (and be HONEST with your therapist--otherwise they can't help you), and 2) seek ways to change your behavior yourself. You can do a few things to help yourself: 1) work on living in the moment, appreciating good things you have now and little things you experience that bring happiness; 2) keep a gratitude journal, writing down the things you appreciate and know you should recognize; 3) do not burden yourself with the problems of the world (I am guilty of this myself); you are just one person; instead, try to act locally and do things positive in your local community, for your friends, or for your family; 4) when you do something good, give yourself a little reward; eat a piece of cake or go do something fun like see a movie or go to a water park or the beach or the mountains; 5) practice mindfulness, yoga, meditation, connect to your spirit and to Nature; 6) redefine the values in your life; don't define "success" as having money, material things, job promotions; rather, foster friendships and love in your life.

The more you nurture the love and friendship and goodness in your life, the healthier these aspects will become and the weaker your addiction to unhappiness. You might have heard the old Native American story about the wise man who tells his son that there are two wolves fighting in each of us. One is evil and one is good. Which one will win? the son asks. The one you feed, answers the wise father.

Stop feeding your bitterness and unhappiness and begin feeding love, charity, hope, and friendship.
​
Hugs,
Papabear

Hey Papa Bear.

I have had a great relationship for 4 years with my boyfriend. We shared everything. We watched things together. We also like furrys. We even planned to go live together.

However. A month ago he decided to dump me. I have lots of support from my friends. But I am still so lonely and scared. Especially at night. I fear and dislike being alone. I have no one to call. No one calling me.

I believe in true love. In staying with a special someone for the rest of your life. 
But maybe I am being naive.

So my question is this:

• How can i meet new, furry friends.
  
• How can i find someone special. Like a boyfriend or soulmate?
  
• What can i do to reduce my lonelyness and fears when I am all alone? 

Thank you very much Papabear!

Just typing this has helped a little.

Anonymous in Belgium

* * *

Dear Furiend,
 
I'm so sorry for your break up. Did your former boyfriend ever give you an explanation why he left you? Understanding this would go a long way toward taking the next step in your life.
 
I understand feeling lonely and scared. When my husband died in 2015, I was alone for quite some time, but then Michael came into my life. He was already a friend when my husband was still alive (actually, my piano teacher), and about a year and a half after Jim's death, Michael decided to divorce his husband and move in with me. But that wasn't the first time I was alone. The first time was when my wife divorced me (long story from a time when I didn't realize I was gay) and I had to get by on my own. I don't really like being alone, either. After Jim died, I kept the TV on all the time, even when I wasn't watching it, because I hated the silence. The other thing to do is to try and be with people as much as possible. Socialize, visit family, even invite friends to your home for a sleepover. Anything to not be alone. 
 
That said, don't discount the value of occasionally being by yourself for a little quiet reflection. But don't be afraid to ask people to visit you. Keep the door open.
 
Meeting furries is pretty easy. I mean, you must know about social media, and there are all kinds of places to chat online.  To get some in-furson experience, if you haven't already done so, go visit your furry friends at the Belgian furcon Flüüfff in Blankenberg @FlüüfffCon. Always a great way to have fun, going to a convention.  There is also a bimonthly furmeet in Liège https://www.ouftimeet.be/ if you can travel there.
 
Now, about meeting someone special. Here, I can only speak in generalities. First of all, be genuine. Don't try to win someone over by being what you are not, because if you try to impress someone with falsehoods or change yourself to accommodate them, you can't keep it up forever. Secondly, always be kind and considerate of other people.  Third, don't allow yourself to be used by other people because you are desperate not to be alone. If you keep those things in mind, eventually, real love will appear.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

​​First off, I apologize if I sent a version of this letter that is similar. I had a problem with my browser.

So, seven days ago (October 20th) I was feeling bad, possibly depression-level bad. I ended up self-harming using a rather sharp boxcutter. I've only cut three different times, causing a few cuts each time. I cut on my upper thigh high enough that my boxers cover them well. I had been considering cutting for quite some time before my first session. It's a way to show control over myself and I've started to enjoy the pain afterwards. I'm willing to risk the scars.

Now, to my question. Is this a truly unhealthy, unmanageable behavior that I need to stop? I don't want to stop.

AFoxThatIdentifiesAsADoggo (age 15)


* * *
 
Dear Doggo,
 
Thank you for your important letter. Cutting and self-harm is a subject I have touched on in other columns, but now I get to do so directly, so this is something that is good to add to the “Ask Papabear” column.
 
Cutting, by its very nature, is not healthy, but it is understandable and treatable. It is also quite common. Statistics show that nearly 1 in 5 Americans have harmed themselves in this manner at some point in their lives. Typically, self-harm occurs during adolescence.
 
There are a couple reasons why people cut themselves. One, as is the case with you, is depression or anxiety. If you are in a situation where you can’t express those feelings openly to others (family etc.), cutting affords a kind of release of emotional tension. The pain caused by cutting also distracts one from emotional pain, which provides some relief.
 
Another reason for cutting is self-punishment. People who feel unworthy of love and compassion become angry at themselves and feel they deserve pain. I don’t think this is what is going on with you, however. I think the former is more likely. I also don’t believe you are in danger of committing suicide; such drastic acts are usually not part of the self-cutting paradigm.
 
Answering your question, any time you cause trauma to your body, it’s not a good thing. It would be best if you stopped. You don’t want to stop because cutting yourself is offering you relief from your psychological and/or emotional pain.
 
The best solution, therefore, is to figure out what is causing that pain and put an end to it. You don’t explain what is causing it, so I would need more information there. You will stop cutting once you stop your emotional pain. This might come with a personal revelation, or with help from a therapist, or simply by outgrowing the need to cut.
 
Hope this helps. Feel free to write again if you wish to discuss what is really going on behind the cutting.
 
Hugs,
Papabear