Dear Papabear,

I know you probably get this a lot from other furries in/out of the closet, but as a male just learning I am gay, how do I handle the fact I like guys in todays society? How do I deal with the whole "homosexuality is an abomination of God etc?" About a year ago I was baptized as christian, however not sure of my sexuality then. In case you have forgotten, my parents split and I am currently living with dad. I told him I was gay, he was just fine with it, even at one point in an effort to help me with my depression, he suggested getting a boyfriend. (all this was months before codvid-19.)

Mom however is a different story.

Long story short she is very family centered, raised as a Christian. I am pretty sure her opinion on LGBT stuff is she does not think highly of them. One time years ago when I was still questioning, after finding the local LGBT (am I badmouthing my mom as I type this? or is that just my OCD talking? Please answer as a sidenote.) Once I borrowed a book from the local LGBT center and forgot about it in the car. Mom found it and questioned me about it, clearly in a disapproving way. About a week later she told me to read something with her, and it was the bible verse "thou man who laid with a man has committed an abomination." Then she told me if I wanted to be with a guy she will not tolerate it.

So as a Christian, raised with Christian teachings by mom but an accepting dad of my homosexuality, what do I do? How do I accept myself as for who I am, and be happy going forward? Am I obligated to tell my mom? How do I deal with the fear from religion about being gay and it being morally wrong?

Hugs

0.O *realizes the pandamic going around*
*virtual hug*

​Nicholas (age 23)

* * *

Dear Nicholas,

As you know, you're writing to a gay bear, so my answer to your questions is likely slanted. First and foremost is this: the only person who needs to accept you is you. The minute you define your value in life by other people's opinions of you, the minute you seek their approval, you will doom yourself to a life of misery and self-doubt. Whether those people are Christians, family, friends, your parents, coworkers, peers, whatever. It doesn't matter one whit what they think. Most of them are wrong, anyway, being misguided by a judgmental society.

As for Christianity.... In my experience, there are good Christians and bad ones. Good Christians accept and love you for who you are. They recognize that no one, including themselves, is perfect, and only God has the right to judge you. Bad Christians are the ones who use the Bible to defend their hate and prejudice. Stay away from them. The God in whom I personally believe is a loving God, not a God seeking to punish me or hurt me. I do not believe in Hell and eternal damnation. I do not believe that God just wants us to constantly grovel and worship Them. I think of it this way: If I were God and was all-powerful, omnipresent, omniscient.... why would I need to be worshipped by tiny little ant beings? I would not have such a pathetic ego that I would need to be constantly validated for something I already know I am. I would not get my jollies off of hurting people. I would want to be kind to them and try to help them. So if I, a tiny little human being, can feel this way, then God, who is infinitely superior to me in every way, must have all these loving, caring qualities to the infinity power.

So, why do Christians, the Church, parents, etc. try to shame you for being who you are? Simply put, it's a power thing. It is the pathetic desire to control you and your life, and also to make themselves feel holier than thou. Oh, they will SAY they are just trying to help you, but don't believe it. The truth is, by being gay and--God forbid--actually enjoying yourself, you will challenge their worldview, and that makes them uncomfortable because it is easier to just accept what you are told to do rather than to think for yourself.

Religious people who abuse and torment LGBTQIA people for something as unimportant as sexual orientation are doing the opposite of what religion should do, which is to love and help human beings. I could go on for pages and pages as to why the Church disapproves of gay people (most of it has to do with keeping people in line and perpetuating generations of tithing loyalists), but I think you get the point.

You are not your sexuality. That is just one aspect of a well-rounded person. Most people define who they are by what they do for a living and their families. You don't hear straight people introducing themselves like this: "Hi, I'm Bill! I'm a heterosexual architect and married man!" No. So, why should we define ourselves for being gay or bi or whatever? We mostly do this because it is not "the norm." Screw the norm. Norm is boring. Being normal is what has caused so much misery, war, and injustice for millennia.

Do not seek out to be normal. Be you. Be different. Contribute something unique to this world. The world needs unique people like you.

And remember, no matter what: God loves you.

Be a good person. If you do that, you are golden.

Hugs,
Papabear

​Dear Papabear,

As a East Coast fur, it’s hard to meet up in real life with the other furs out there. I currently am unable to drive a car though I am able to take public transportation. I always wish to got out and see or even experience a Furry convention in my state or any state close by ( Connecticut) but, my main fear is my parents. How do I explain to them about myself and my place in the fandom? I’m mainly into expansion and inflation, and I was also caught a few times by my folks during my sessions with an air pump. When the time comes, how will I be able to explain this to them?

Hailfanghoofington (age 22)

* * *

Dear Hailfanghoofington,

As you helpfully noted in the form, you are 22 years of age. As such, you are an adult and have absolutely no obligation to tell your parents the details about your sexual preference or your hobbies if you choose not to. I honestly don't know why I keep getting questions like this from adults who write to me. I mean, your parents don't tell you about what they like to do in bed and what their turn-ons are, do they? (Lordy, I hope not!) So, why should you have to tell them you are into inflation fantasies? Answer: you don't.

It's great to have open and honest discussions with your parents about your life, but there are some things that it is fine to keep private, and at the top of that list is details about your sex life. Now, it sounds as though you might still be living with your parents and, therefore, you might have the impression that living under their roof obligates you to fully disclosing everything about your life. Not true. What you should be doing is being supportive of them, perhaps pay them rent for the room, help with chores, and move out as soon as possible. You're 22. You need to set out on your own unless there is some medical or financial reason why you can't at this time.

At 22, you should also be able to make trips on your own, even if that means taking public transportation to do so. I encourage you to get out of the house and live your life.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hi Papabear,

You may remember me asking about me being limited by my parents. its gotten worse my moms bipolar got a lot worse recently. So I've been wanting to go to a furry con in Birmingham, Alabama: Fangcon. I really want to go to it, but I'm scared to tell my mom or both of my parents. since my mom is bipolar and always thinks of the worse scenarios. So, Papabear, what should I do? I only have 21 days left.

Thanks for listening,
GlaDOS (age 11; almost 12)

* * *
Dear GlaDOS,

You know, hon, sometimes we don't always get what we want. It sounds to me that your mother is struggling, which also means your father is likely having a hard time dealing with your mom.

Instead of worrying about doing something for yourself and adding potential conflict with your parents, maybe you should try to be there more for them. You're 11 years old now, which makes you old enough to start helping your mom with things around the house. What do you currently do to help out at the house? In addition, you should be doing fun things with your mom and dad when you can (life is not all work, no play). Do you? Doing fun things with your parents is a great way to bond, and as you bond, you can reveal more of yourself to them, including your interest in being a furry. 

The issue about your furriness is a matter of communication with your parents, and communication is best done between people who are familiar with and close to each other. Before spazzing out and pushing your parents to go to a furcon (take a pass on this Fangcon) right away, get to know your parents and let them get to know you better, too.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello Papabear, 

I hate my aunts. (all relatives such as aunts and grandparent mentioned here are from my mom’s side). They’re greedy. After grandpa past away in 2015 (or 2016?), they came up with a horrible plan to sabotage his will. They blackmailed my ma and made a lot of her friends believe that she is a greedy backstabber (while she’s not). She lost a lot of people in her life thanks to them. After that happened, her depression worsen. It felt as if the love that my aunts had was a lie. I hate them for it.

Then after Grandma died we planned a respectful funeral for her. We payed a lot of fucking money for it. But then, all of a sudden. My aunts buried her their selves, they just tossed her into the dirt like she was nothing! They did it in a way that showed that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Those motherfuckers. I still get birthday money from them. But, obviously they came from grandpa’s budget. They just drive up to our house, put the cards in the mailbox and hit the gas and fuck out. I hate them so much. I hate them. I don’t care if they die, I don’t care if they suffer. Because, they deserve misfortune after the things they did to us. You may disagree, but I don’t care. I can’t forgive them. I wish I could just beat the shit out of them. Make them feel the pain they gave to us. I know it doesn’t solve anything. But, I don’t forgive those who fuck with my family.

Nicholas

* * *

Hi, Nicholas,

Based on what you said, yes, your aunts are horrible people. You might be expecting me--since I write an advice column--to say things like "You should forgive and forget" or "Turn the other cheek." Au contraire. In my opinion, you do not have to forgive them. In fact, there are psychologists out there who would agree with me on this. Now, if your aunts suddenly had a change of heart, made amends, and personally asked for your forgiveness and promised they would never repeat such nasty actions again, then yes, forgive them. But it sounds to me like they have done no such thing, so, yeah, they're a problem. If possible, cut them out of your life. These are what some call "toxic people." Toxic people can damage your health just by being present in your life. Discard them like the garbage they are.

OK! THAT said, there is something else important here. In addition to discarding them, you have another more difficult task, which is to let go of your hatred. Hatred doesn't hurt them; it only damages you. And no, do not, obviously, do anything that would land you in prison such as assaulting and killing them. That should go without saying, but just for the record, I'm writing that here.

You can already see, I bet, how the fury in your heart is causing you distress, anxiety, even physiological changes such as hypertension that can damage your heart. Are your aunts worth that? No. They are not worth your love and they are not even worth your hatred. They are not worth your valuable time.

Let's talk about that birthday money for a moment. Recently, I got married to my new hubby, Michael. We invited friends and family to a little ceremony in Las Vegas. Michael's sister and only sibling, Gayle, did not attend. She said, "I can't go because my pastor is having his retirement party that day." Seriously? So, her pastor is more important than her only brother? Gayle is a very religious, Christian person, who is not happy about her brother being gay. Now, I have met her a couple of times over the last two years, and I thought that she was a pleasant woman at the time. I knew she had, in the past, been uncomfortable about Michael being gay, but I thought she had turned the corner and was now accepting him. Apparently not. The pastor's retirement is not an excuse. She obviously didn't come because in her mind she condemns her own brother for being gay. Anyway, just before we left for Vegas, she swung by with her daughter and handed us a card. It had a $100 gift card in it. Big fucking whoop. I told Michael to throw it out, but instead, he bought a bidet with it. Appropriate.

What I'm saying here is that you should not accept money or anything else from your aunts until they change their ways and beg forgiveness. Until then, as I said, cut them out, and that includes any gift cards or cash they send you, which is only their pathetic effort to assuage their own black, guilty hearts.

Do everything in your power to remove this filth from your life. Removing their presence, which is a constant reminder to you of what they have done to you and your family, will, over time, make it easier and easier for you to not feel that hatred. Forgetting about them will be a balm for your soul. Just as you would for a troll on the Web, the only way to heal is to block, delete, ignore. Also, occupy your mind with other things; this helps. Do I bother to hate Gayle? No, I actually feel she is pathetic. Neither do I, however, forget or forgive what she did, but I don't think much about it (except as a very good example for teaching people like you about dealing with toxic people).

Does this make sense? I hope so. Family members can really suck, can't they? I do not believe in the "blood is thicker than water" idea. You (hopefully) have some members in your family that make you happy and feel loved. Cling to them. The ones who don't are the ones with whom you should not associate. And remember this, too: family is MORE than blood. There are friends in this bear's life that I consider family more than my blood relations on my father's side.

Hugs,

Papabear

​

​Dear Papabear,

In the week since I broke up with my ex I fell into an old habit. This habit is basically collecting pictures of my first crush and sorting them in a folder on my laptop. Now my first crush was at the young age of seven, and the object of my affection was the fictional character of Molly Macdonald [a character from the PBS cartoon series Arthur].

Now all of that was just exposition. My question concerns events that happened today. So I was sitting in my room listening to music. After a while I had to use the restroom (note that I had left my computer on Spotify). After a few minutes, I got out the john and walked into my room. Immediately, I noticed something was off: The folder with pictures of my first crush was opened. The only other person home was my mom, so I guess she snuck into my room and was searching my laptop, where she saw a folder labeled "Molly" and probably though I got a new girlfriend and got excited or something, until she clicked on it and was met with 659 images of a children's show character.

At dinner my mom was extremely quiet, and after dinner I heard her telling my dad about something she found on my computer. I am now extremely worried I may be at least sent to a therapist, as my parents probably think I'm a creep now. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience, especially considering you helped me last week. Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,
Davis Butler

* * *
 
Hi, Davis,
 
Quick question: were all of these images of Molly G-rated?
 
Thanks,
Papabear
 
 
Dear Papabear,

None of the images were NSFW. That’s actually a pretty pointless question as even if there’s no porn it is still incredibly suspect to have 659 images of a 9 yo from an educational show for children. My parents haven’t said anything yet, though my dad handed me the business card for a therapist yesterday.

Sincerely,
Davis Butler

* * *
Hi, Davis,

It's actually a very relevant question that I needed to ask before giving you a full reply.
 
You do not need a therapist because you like children's cartoons. Pretty much everyone in the furry fandom likes them (my favorite is TaleSpin), and the vast majority of us (LOL) are perfectly sane; millions of mundane adults enjoy cartoons, too; indeed, Japanese culture is full of anime-loving adults, and we all know how popular anime is worldwide. Now, some cartoons are definitely aimed at very young kids (e.g. Teletubbies), but the majority are really for "general audiences," meaning they are suitable for children AND adults.
 
Here is an article as to why many adults like cartoons, even cartoons for little kids. And some people believe it can actually be helpful to adults to watch them.
 
Therapists are for people who are troubled (or just need some professional guidance). If you are having emotional or mental problems, then you go to see a therapist. If you have problems recognizing reality, then you need a psychologist or psychiatrist. But just watching a cartoon does not at all mean you are crazy or unbalanced. Your parents are of the misguided impression that you must stop all childlike behavior at a certain age and be pushed into adulthood and being boring and dutiful etc. etc. They are wrong about that. While it is important to go out into the world and become a productive citizen, that doesn't mean you have to kill the child that remains inside all of us.

I don't expect that you can show your parents this email and that it will convince them, so go to the therapist, tell them what's going on, and get them to write a note to your parents that you are not crazy so that Mom and Dad will have written notice from a professional that they shouldn't worry. (If the therapist says you are crazy, then they are a terrible therapist; get a different one).

Hope that makes you feel better.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

* * *
 
Dear Papabear,

My parents have nothing wrong with me enjoying something not made for my age group. The problem they have is with having 659 images of a specific character. If I found something like that on one of my friends computers I would also be skeeved out. The reason it’s a little creepy is cause of the number of images. It took months to amass 659 images of Molly Mcdonald. I can see someone thinking I’m a pedo cause of that folder.

Sincerely,
Davis Butler 

* * *
 
Well, it's not like you're a stalker, and Molly isn't a real person. If you had that many images of, say, Jody Foster, yeah, that would be creepy. But this is a fictional character, so it is more of a hobby.
 
While I'm here I'll ask: what is it about this character you find so appealing?
 
Papabear

* * *
 
Dear Papabear,

An explanation of why I am infatuated, obsessed even, with Molly will take some time. As far back as I can remember I have always been attracted to tomboys. Because Molly is a tomboy I developed a crush on her. I developed an obsession with Molly because I have high-functioning autism, and as you probably know, people with this disorder develop obsessions with people, things, even places. Next, I’m like 11, my balls drop, my voice begins cracking, and now I have a fetish for tomboyish bullies. I started the photo collection on a old tablet I had. Next, we jump to when I turned 14. I deleted every nsfw image that was in the folder, as I had just then learned she was only 9; I had thought she was at least 13-14. Next I stopped adding to the folder about a year ago as I got a girlfriend and I actually had something to do besides look a pictures of a fictional girl. Anyway, that’s basically my explanation of why I have an infatuation with Molly.

Sincerely,
Davis Butler
 
* * *                                                                                                                                                           
Hi, Davis,
 
Well, okay then. I would think that your parents would understand the obsession possibilities involved with autism, and the Molly thing is certainly consistent with that. From what you are telling me, you are actually very well-balanced. Sure, you had a bit of an obsession (everyone has SOMEthing they are fascinated by on a romantic or sexual level), making you no different from most other people (with me, it's bears, obviously). Furthermore, you got rid of the NSFW stuff when you realized the age thing was a factor (even though Molly isn't real, some people do get in trouble for having anything on their computer resembling child porn, even if it is fictional), you have stopped collecting the art in general, and you are moving on to a relationship with a real girl and realizing that it is better than living in a fantasy world. Even though you two broke up (rare that a first girlfriend turns into a forever love), you are moving into the realm of reality.
 
Heck! I'd say you're doing great! And I think any therapist would agree with me. 
 
Here is what I would suggest for you now. Talk to your parents openly about computer use and your privacy. Tell them that while you appreciate they are trying to protect you, spying on you is not acceptable. Instead, there should be an open agreement between you and your parents. Solution: propose to them that they write a computer usage contract https://www.kidguard.com/parents-guide-to-technology/how-to-make-a-computer-usage-contract-with-your-child/. Sometimes, getting things down in writing can calm people down. Tell them what you told me about Molly. Be open and honest with your parents and ask that they do the same for you. At 15, you are old enough to have a more respectful and mature relationship with your parents. You should also acknowledge to them that you understand they love you and are trying to protect you and that you love them right back.
 
Sneaking around is detrimental to any relationship, whether it is between spouses, parents and their children, coworkers, or friends, it is always a bad idea for anyone who is not a government spy LOL. 
 
Hope that helps. Good luck!
 
Hugs,
Papabear
 
 
 

​I'm still new to the Furry Fandom and as an adult with autism I never really felt any social connection outside the Internet. After over 10 years of trying, I finally got out of Mom and Dad’s house, but it’s still not complete. The guy I know I am is still locked inside of me and is still being stopped from coming out by them forcing me to take whatever it is they what me to use, what jobs they what me to have, having everything I do monitored, and more. Not caring that this guy is his own man and that makes me feel unsafe. I need to get out; I lost almost all my friends; all my dreams have been killed by them. The only hope I still have is if I could one day wake up as 0% human and 100% something like raccoon. That's the short version. The full would be over 500 pages long. 


Lance (age 35)
 
 * * *
 
Dear Lance,
 
Congratulations on moving out on your own and starting to take charge of your life. That is a major step and I hope it is working out for you.
 
Because I don’t know the degree of autism you are suffering or your health history, it is difficult for me to offer you advice on this subject.  But you sound as though you are eager to take charge of your own destiny.  I suggest you start by picking up the phone and talking to a professional in this area at an organization called Autism Speaks. You can find contact information here: https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/autism-response-team. Another group you can look into is Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) http://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/; here you can educate yourself as to what is being done politically to help those with autism assert their rights and independence. If you feel motivated to do so, you might even try volunteering there, which will definitely help you feel more empowered.
 
I realize you feel as if your parents and others are trying to control your life, but I’m sure that what they are trying to do is protect you and help you because they care about and love you. The best thing you can do is learn more about the organizations listed above, set goals for yourself as to what you wish to do with your life, and make sure that those goals and wishes are communicated to your parents and anyone else involved in your life.
 
Good luck!
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I have been struggling with various bits of emotional conflict for 13 years now. When I was 6, my mom picked up a guy at the bar. He got in lots of trouble with DUI, theft, drug abuse, illegal gambling and many other crimes. He beat my mom, used her for money and ass. He stole from us to the point that we went bankrupt. Everyone in my family hated this fellow and estranged us as family because Mother wouldn't let him go. In 2011, the hurricane weathers broke a levy up in New York that caused a flood that destroyed our community. We had to stay with one of the few relatives that still liked us while Mom's boyfriend was forced to go to his relatives. In that time, he stole guns for pills. Luckily for us, the guy has was selling to was a narc and he went to prison. Unluckily for me, Mom still loved him and visited him every month for a year. She took him back. I'm a grown man now, sitting here in our new home, still pondering why he continues to be a thing that plagues me and my family to this very day. He hasn't changed a bit. He still gambles, does drugs, doesn't give us money, steals, drinks and manipulates.Why would Mom want that? Why would she ask for this day in and day out? Why do I bother trying to improve her life when she doesn't seem to want things to change for the better? Sorry if this has been long-winded but this has been on my mind for far to long and therapy hasn't helped since I was 14. I just want closure.

Feral (19, Pennsylvania)

* * *

Dear Feral,
 
You’re not the one who needs therapy; your mom does. It’s a legitimate question you ask—why would any woman want to be loyal to a drug-addicted loser criminal? Usually, the reason is that the woman (and this also applies in reverse with a man connected to a loser woman) has low self-esteem and doesn’t think she deserves better, so she will stick with anyone who says that they love her, even if that person is a no-good bum. It is a kind of co-dependent relationship and the same reason why many women stay with a man who physically beats them. There is also the psychological condition in which the woman thinks that her love and loyalty will, somehow, eventually, save the other person. Here is a helpful WikiHow article on how to tell if someone is codependent.
 
The most direct solution to this problem would be for your mother to see a therapist to work on her sense of self-worth so that her eyes will open up and she can see that this guy does not make for a good partner.
 
There are also nonprofit organizations that can help. One of these is Co-Dependents Anonymous International, which has meeting places all over this country, including Pennsylvania. CoDA has also published a book that you might want to check out on Amazon. It’s only eight bucks for the Kindle version. Of course, you can browse online for other similar books, too.
 
Until your mother recognizes she has a problem and does something about it, you won’t be able to get rid of the loser. Here’s the real problem: going up to Mom and saying something like, “Mom, I think you have a codependent relationship problem and maybe you should get some help” will likely not be received very well. You might try a more indirect approach, such as casually talking about the issue of codependency without targeting Mom. Maybe mention you read something interesting on the Internet about it or know someone who is codependent. Perhaps she will see a parallel in the discussion.
 
Then there is always the hope that a new, better guy might come into her life and replace the jerk, but that may be just wishful thinking.
 
At this time, I think I would suggest getting the book on codependency and learning more about it. Perhaps if you understand your mother more it will help you to help her.
 
Hugs,
Papabear ​

Dear Papabear,

I wasn’t really expecting to have to ask for help with this, but as it turns out, my emotions have surprised me, and I find myself in need of some help.

As you may or may not know, I’ve recently become a property owner for the first time, aged 23, with a little 1-bedroom house that’s big enough just for a single rodent. And, despite being a bit frightened of total independence to begin with, I’ve actually grown quite excited about having my own place. I’ve already been envisioning ideas of how to redecorate it to be something all my own (well, as much as it can be, given it’s Grade II listed), and also being able to plan life to my own needs.

Despite this, part of the reason I’ve had to get a place of my own is because my mum has been trying to sell the family home so she can downsize to something cheaper. The reasons for this are complicated and would need a letter all their own if I even attempted to explain it, so let’s just say this decision is for the greater good. And, less than a week ago, we’ve managed to find someone who’s made an offer for the house. That doesn’t mean its outright sold, but the chances of us officially selling are highly likely.

So now, pretty much being given the official word that I’m going to be moving out, a few fears have struck me by surprise.

For one thing, there’s the matter of adjusting to my new life in my new home. It might sound rather daft, but I think the thing I’m going to miss most about this house isn’t the memories of what I’ve done here or how big the rooms are, but it’s the layout of this place. I have my little routines attached here, like how when I come home from work, I instantly walk through the kitchen and utility room to my downstairs bedroom/office and check my updates on my tablet, which I usually leave by my bed. And, being autistic, any sort of change often becomes a stressful event, so repetition and sticking to routines is very much a comforter for me in a world where things can become so chaotic and disjointed. With my new home, it’s going to be a whole new routine of how I live my life, and I’m not sure how quickly I’ll be able to adjust to this place. When I went to the USA for my first ever FurCon, I gave myself over a year to book things and mentally prepare myself for the journey. All I’ve been given for adjusting to my new life is 12 weeks!

For another thing, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to support mum during the move. This was essentially her dream home, and she’s put her heart and soul into making this place both her home, and her business (we run it as a Bed & Breakfast). So, now that it’s going to be switching hands and that she’s going to have to remove all her belongings and will pretty much be barred from entering this house ever again, this is going to be a big emotional hit for her. She told me from the day she put this house on the market that she was going to cry when the time came that she’d move out, and I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to comfort her when that day comes. It always hurts me deep when I see her in pain, and again, 12 weeks isn’t long for me to prepare myself for this!

I should probably make it clear that this isn’t the first time either of us have moved. We moved to this place some 14 years ago, essentially moving countries in the process (England to Wales) to start anew. However, in those 14 years, in one way or another, we both have grown attached to this place. I have with my routines and habits, and mum has put her heart and soul into making it hers. And, now that those attachments we’ve grown are going to be broken, I’m not sure how either of us are going to be able to cope.

Sorry for making this somewhat two questions in one (I know you have your “One Question per Letter” rule), but I guess what I’m asking in general is how can I be able to cope with this move, both dealing with my own stress and my mother’s?

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, Papa Bear!

Hugs,
Charleston

* * *
 
Dear Charleston,
 
Well, yes, in a sense this is more than one question, but they really are all related; they are all about the attachment to things. Buddhism teaches us that the attachment to things is the source of pain, and this is very true.
 
I’m familiar with what you and your mother are going through. I’ve moved several times after being attached to homes and it can be gut-wrenching. The move from my 1865 brick Michigan home to a kind of crappy apartment in Palm Springs was a huge hit on my heart. The Michigan home was a place I loved and the last place my wife and I lived together, as well as where my beloved dog Keisha spent her life and died. Moving to California was very much like moving to another country; it is culturally extremely different from the Midwest. I remember moving my stuff into the apartment. It was October, and a flight of Canada geese flew overhead, just like in Michigan, and I wept with homesickness.
 
But I got over it. And now I love my new home and have absolutely NO desire to return to Michigan, believe me.
 
Humans love the familiar because it is comforting. Familiar surroundings and routines give us a base of stability in a chaotic world. Big life changes like the one you are going through, too, are especially challenging when you are autistic.
 
Let’s address you first, and your new little house. The first thing I would suggest is to try and transfer as many familiar things to your new home as possible. Also, try and arrange it as close as possible to how you have it in your current home. The more familiar objects in your house the better. Right now, I bet, when you looked at the new house and decided to buy it, it didn’t look anything like your house now, and this might have made you a little anxious. Try to imagine it with your stuff in it. Picture this every day until you move there. Figuring out exactly where to put chairs, photographs, tchotchkes, and so on. You might try taking a paper and pencil, drawing out the floor plan, and writing in where you want things. A good mental exercise that could calm you. Keep in mind not only the objects, but also the paths they create when you walk between them. Try to make these paths similar to the current ones (although the multiple floor pathway is not an option). It won’t be exactly the same, of course. But you can make it similar. Paint the walls a similar color. Even put in light fixtures and light switch plates that match the current home.
 
As for your mother, I’m guessing she is doing this move for financial reasons? Or perhaps the current home is just getting too much to maintain. Remind her, please, that the house is a home not because of its walls and windows and doors but because of who lives there. I’m reading between the lines here, but is this may be more about your moving out and her being alone than the house itself?
 
I’m not sure where your and your mom’s new homes are, but hopefully they are not too far apart that you can’t visit her. I know you are concerned about your mom and being there for her, so try to be there for her. During the move and soon after, you should visit often, but over time it would be healthier to gradually make the visits a little less often. Let her transition into this new phase of life slowly as you transition into yours.
 
For both you and your mom, focus on the positive aspects of this new phase in your lives. For you, this will be more independence and more self-confidence; for her, it will hopefully be less stress and a more peaceful, simpler life. Also, keep in mind you still have each other in your lives; that won’t change.
 
Life is about change. Change can be scary and nerve-wracking, but eventually we adjust to the new circumstances, which will, hopefully, make us stronger.
 
Hugs,
Papabear