Papabear,

I am a Jehovah's Witness as well as both my parents and sibling. I have recently told them I'm a furry. It kinda flew over my dad's head and he is just impressed by my partial. My mom however had a lot of questions about what a furry is. I told her to do her own research on the fandom. The next day, she said it seemed very community-based and that she doesn't want me interacting with strangers, especially in a fandom that revolves around hiding your identity. Her reasoning is reasonable, and I want to obey her wishes, but I also want to experience the community and socialize with people who share the same interests as me.

Sakura (age 14)

* * *

Dear Sakura,

Your mother is right that this is a community-oriented fandom. She is wrong that it is about "hiding your identity." Quite the opposite. Furry is a way to explore your true self, to examine your dreams and feelings without the stigma of people judging you by your appearance, age, race, nationality, gender, or sex. When I say this, of course, I'm just talking about fursuits and/or people using their avatars in online interactions. When you're at a con or meet in person, most people are not fursuiting and you can see exactly who they are, although they will likely want you to call them by their fursona names.

Your mother is assuming that a mask is intended to hide something, like a bankrobber wearing a ski mask, so it might sound ironic that fursonas do the opposite. They are very freeing. They allow you to drop your inhibitions, anxieties, and fears of being judged and to present yourself in ways that feel more genuine. This fosters interpersonal relationships rather than hindering them. The REAL masks in our society are not the ones made of foam and fur; they are the fake facades that people like politicians and businessmen and the pious put on to impress others. Have you ever, for example, watched a politician give a speech about how All-American and Apple Pie and Moral they are, only to see them be caught later cheating on their wives or stealing money from their political campaigns for personal use? THAT is a mask. Or the mask that a Catholic priest wears, the one of piety and virginity, only to be ripped away when they are found fornicating with young choir boys. Or the businessman who sets up a charity, only to be discovered that he did it for a tax write off and to give his moronic, useless children jobs as executives of said charity. This stuff happens all the time, and the masks worn are invisible.

The masks furries wear are there not to conceal but to reveal. They can make you braver, more playful, and definitely less self-conscious. The first time I ever did karaoke, for example, was in fursuit. I sang The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book on stage at a furcon while in suit. Something I would never have been brave enough to do just as me. It was a blast! When I'm in fursuit, strangers from the very old to the very young come up to me and hug me. It's bonding and touching and sweet. Do you think someone would just walk up to 6-foot tall, 58-year-old, pasty-white Kevin Hile and give him a hug? Not likely. And they sure would back off if I walked up to them and tried to hug them!

Furry isn't about hiding. It's about opening up to others, freeing yourself from social constraints and expectations, and being YOU.

If you don't believe me, perhaps you will believe science. There have been studies, for example, that demonstrate that participating in the fandom helps those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a link to the FurScience page about that. If it helps people with autism, think of what it does for people who are not neurodivergent.

Not to criticize, but you kind of made a mistake when you told your mother to go do her own research. What you should do, Sakura, is YOUR own research and then share it with your mom. Please share this email with her, and if she has ANY questions, feel free to tell her she can write to Papabear.

Hugs!
Papabear
​

Hello, Papabear,
​
It's been a long time since I last asked you a question, but I hope you're doing well. I'm messaging for some advice because rgis is something that's been on my mind for a good while. I currently live with my mom and it's not really bad, but there are times she can be more of draining to me than my own job. I'm more than happy to help with stuff or grab something she needs, but sometimes when I've just finished a tiring ten hour shift and just got home she'll ask me to go right back out to grab something for her when she's been home all day and could have went out to grab it herself.

There are times when she'll ask to use my car for something instead of her own for something. I don't mind since my car is bigger than hers and for groceries it certainly holds more, but there are times it messes with my own work schedule, and when I have no choice but to use her car, she'll leave it with little to no gas at all.

But most of the issues I feel I get are from just being around her. There was a day she called me from my room just to see me and say "You're getting fat." It made my day which was relatively nice feel much worse. She says how she wants me to lose weight and worries about my health and right now I'm around the 240's, I'm actively moving about at work and I maintain my weight rather well but all she sees is my belly and just goes back to that. It feels as if everytime we talk her tone makes it that she looks down on me, or at the very least like I'm still a little kid. I sometimes wonder what to do, even my sister suggests I finally move out.

I'm sorry for trailing on like this, my question after all of this is do you think it's a good idea for me to try moving out?

Kageichi (29)

* * *

Hi, Kageichi,

Please forgive me if I don't recall what we might have talked about in the past.

Before I answer your letter in more detail, could you answer a couple of questions? 1) Why, at 29 with a full-time job, do you still live with your mother? 2) What are the conditions for your living at your mom's house? (e.g., i.e., do you pay rent or have some other agreement for your continuing to live there?)

Thanks for your replies.

Hugs,
Papabear
* * *

Hello There

First of all, it's alright. It has been many years since I last sent a letter to you.

As for your questions, I live with my mom because while there are plenty of apartments a part of me feels pretty nervous too, I feel worried I might be unprepared to move out and handle being out on my own. A lot of things over the years just makes me have little confidence in myself.  The living condition of living with my mom aren't bad. I help with some bills, and I give my mother 100 bucks a week. She never told me where the 100 dollars go to, but I just thought maybe it was for rent.

* * *

Okay, one more question if I may: how much $$ do you bring in per month? Also, does your job include any benefits like medical insurance? 
Oh, and what city and state are you in?
* * *

I get paid every week and since I work almost 40 hours every week, my pay usually rounds up from 500 to $700 a week after taxes is taken out. My job does include health insurance and 401K which some of my cash goes to. I live in D***, SC.

* * *

Hi, again,

Okay, thanks for the information. So! Basically, you make about $2,400 a month take-home pay. I looked at apartment listings in the D***, SC, area, and you can get a studio or 1-bedroom apartment for anywhere between $800 and $1,500 a month or so. Let's say you find a good deal at $1,000 a month, leaving you with $1,400 a month. Let's further assume your car payment is $200 a month, leaving you with about a $1,200 a month for utilities, gas, food, sundries. That's not a lot in this economy, even in South Carolina (you wouldn't survive in an expensive state like New York or California). You're giving your mom $100 for rent a month (sometimes).

You should be kissing and hugging her "Thank you!" for saving you so much money. You should NOT resent her if she asks you to occasionally buy some food or to borrow your car. And if the worst she does is suggest you might need to lose some weight? I would hazard a guess she is genuinely concerned about you staying healthy. Don't take it as a slam (unless she says it in a mean tone to you, but it sounds like some of that is how you are taking her words).

If you moved out of the house, you would likely struggle financially unless you found a better-paying job. And, if you lost your job, you'd likely have to move right back in.

Instead of complaining about your mom asking for a few things, you should sit down with her and make out a JOINT budget in which you figure out how you can pay your fair share for the room and board she is supplying you. If your biggest complaint is that she sometimes asks you to buy some food after work when you are tired, that can easily be fixed by the two of you planning your grocery list ahead of time and going to the store together to make sure you have everything necessary. Set a rule that, unless it is something vital to purchase right away, she should not ask you to run errands right after work when you're tired. Schedule a time in your week when you run errands for her. You should also be paying her more per month. Compromise between the $400 and the price of an apartment, so, let's say, give her $750 a month. That's a good deal, and you should be grateful for it. If you don't feel like you can afford that (I don't know what other expenses you might have) then compensate by doing more chores around the house (you don't mention if you do any, but just because you work doesn't mean you can't do chores, too).

Moving out right now, while doable, is probably not the best choice financially. Your mother sounds like she is not bad to live with at all. If she treats you like a little kid, it might be because you are acting a bit like one by not helping to pay your fair share of the expenses at the house. She might be a little passive-aggressive with her criticism of your belly, so you should talk that out. Perhaps she's directing some frustration over you by saying you're chubby.

Sit down with your mom and discuss the following:
​

1. Budget: Find out what her expenses are and what you can reasonably contribute to house payments, utilities, and gasoline. IMHO you are not paying your fair share of living expenses in a house you live in full time.
2. Schedules: Come to an agreement as to how to do things that need doing without conflicting with your work schedule.
3. Being respectful of each other's needs: Tell your mom how you feel when she says you're fat, but do it in a calm way. Explain that you know you've put on some pounds but that it hurts your feelings when she says that and talk about how both of you feel about your health. ALSO! Ask her about HER health, HER feelings, and HER needs. It's not all about you, Kageichi.

You're 29 years old. Time to step up. You don't have to move out (unless you want to), but you do need to show more responsibility and appreciate your mother more for helping you out so much. Whether you stay or go, you need to do the adult thing.

Take Care,
Papabear
​

So, I'm an aspiring furry and I want to make a head for my fursuit! But, my mom thinks that the furry fandom is sexual and keeps telling me to stop being one because its "GROSS!" and "bad." I keep trying to explain to her that the fandom isn't sexual and that we are actually donating to charities and stuff but she won't listen. What should I do?

Grazer (age 11)

* * *

Dear Grazer,

Both you and your mother are correct. The fandom can be a lot of good, clean fun, and yes, a lot of charity work has been done by furries. But your mother is also correct in that there is a lot of adult art in the fandom, and you need to be careful you don't associate with the wrong crowd. There are a lot of good furries, but there are also some very bad ones. You, being 11, can be an easy target for bad furries. Your mother is trying to protect you, which is not only her right but also her duty as a parent.

That said, your mother needs to not go the easy route of just saying, "No, you can't be a furry." This is what I call "lazy parenting." Also, it is ineffective. When a parent tells a kid, "You can't do that because I said so," the kid just wants to do the forbidden activity all the more and thinks the parent is not listening to them or sympathizing with them. This can create resentment, secretive behavior, and misbehavior on the part of the child.

What Mom needs to do is become more involved in your life. The two of you should explore furry together. First, understand that the furry fandom was created for adults, not children. The entire establishment of the furry fandom was meant to create anthro characters in adult situations (not just sex, but everything from scenes about violence to other mature situations and themes). But since it began, the fandom has evolved, too. It used to be mostly for people in their teens and twenties (and still largely is), but now more and more you see furries who are a lot older (I'm 55, for example) as well as kids as young as 10. The fandom needs to accommodate this changing membership, and in a lot of ways it does. For example, if you go to a furry convention, there will often be an art gallery. Most of the art is clean, but there is some mature art, which is kept in a separate section and only adults are allowed in. Also, minors such as yourself must be accompanied by a parent or guardian at any furcon, and panels and workshops that address adult topics are restricted to mature members.

You should not argue with Mom. Instead, explain why you are interested in furries. Have a discussion with her. Also, tell her you understand her concerns and tell her that she is right to be worried, and also you should thank her for caring! Then, invite her to explore furry with you. Tell her that she can freely monitor what you view on the computer and on your phone to make sure you don't see anything bad. Ask her for her help in navigating the online world. Ask her to watch the movies and TV shows you enjoy with you. Maybe, with enough communication, you can even ask her to take you to a furcon someday.

In short, don't argue with Mom. Communicate with her. Listen to her concerns and ask her to listen to your feelings as well.

Good Luck,
Papabear ​