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Heya, Papabear!
I have just recently stumbled upon your website while catching up on my usual fur-media, if you will. :3 While I do have my question, first I would just like to say I really respect and love what you have going on over here. This site is a great resource and I really wish I had found it sooner. So thank you! I am 17 and have been in the fandom for about 5-6 years now. I truly love it here and finally feel very comfortable in a space I know I will not be judged, ridiculed, teased, or otherwise about who I am. I have always had an odd interest in anthropomorphic characters when I was younger and ever since I found the fandom it all started to make a little more sense lol! Anyhoo, it's safe to say that being a furry is a big part of who I am and my passions. And I don't see it going anywhere, anytime soon. Now, being that I am 17, and still in high school, I live with my mother. (I don’t have contact to my dad). And my mom and her family are not the warmest to the furry community as I have sadly found out. They see the fandom for the complete opposite of what it is, weather it's, “People believing they are animals, dressing up like dogs and barking at people.” Or “Overweight 30 yo men having sex in suit.” All the way to thinking that getting crazy cosmetic surgeries and changes, walking on all fours and whining at their teachers and bosses like an actual animal are what furries are/do. And having news reports at some of the local schools in our area about a few out of hand students that are apart of Otherkin doesn’t really help either. Other than that, I have heard them talking a number of times about how “strange,” “disgusting,” and “weird” furries are. A lot of them were with me sitting at the table, trying to not get defensive, embarrassed, or act suspicious. They always seem to have something bad to say about them, especially whenever they see a furry-related bumper sticker, event, online account, or God forbid, a fursiuter in public. (I actually happen to live in the same city as one of my favorite furs! Verplex!) I digress, but it honestly breaks my heart to hear how my mom, aunts, and even some of my cousins talk about something that is so dear to me. And all I can do is sit there in my nervous sweat. And knowing how they are, if they found out about me, I would never hear the end of it. I would probably be seen as a freak by the entire family. I am also quite afraid that my mom might take a route that my father had taken. To be honest, the reason why I don't have any contact with my dad is because he no longer wishes to have me in his life. And a big chunk of it was due to him finding out about my hobbies (the fandom) and my sexuality. Not only is this hard and frustrating to hear others talking bad about something I enjoy and brings me so much more support and love than anyone else ever has, but I am really wanting to get more involved in the community now that I have been a quiet internet fur for a while now. I would love to get some merch, art, go to meets and conventions, and get some real-life friends who also share the interest. Not to mention (out of reach) but eventually commission a fursuit of my sona. But not only living with my parents but unsupportive ones makes that a real challenge. I do know that I am making it to the later chunk of my teen years, and eventually will have a lot more freedom, but I doubt I'd be able to move out when I hit 18. My childhood and teenage years have been such a struggle for me, and I really would love to try to start to enjoy something before it ends. Asides from that, it would be a huge relief to just break all this tension. Even if I know there will be plenty of moments ahead of me. The best time is always the present. I'm sure you have gotten a bunch of questions or help letters like this one. And maybe even a sit-down talk would change their minds, but before I go full send on revealing my floofy side, I would love to just get some advice and thoughts. Anything would be appreciated. Thank you. Sorry for the long letter, I know how these can get overwhelming. I hope all is well, especially In these crazy times! >~ Thanks again. Best, Pi Husky * * * Hi, Pi, Quick question: Are you familiar with VRchat and/or Second Life? Papabear * * * Hi again! Yes, I used to play a little bit of VRchat, back when I had a capable setup. Only heard of Second Life. Don’t know what it is though. Thanks! Pi * * * Hi, Pi (I like saying that, hi pi ;) Second Life is a virtual world that is still around but was much more popular than it is now because VRChat has sort of one-upped it by offering 3D capabilities. You don't need a 3D VR visor to use VRChat, but it's nice if you do. Anyway, although both SL and VRC are for all audiences, there are HUGE furry communities in both with furry worlds and meetup places where furries gather. You can wear an avatar (you can buy them or custom make them) to go with your fursona, you can make friends, buy merch, build yourself a home or other getaway, etc. In VRChat there is even an annual convention called Furality that you can attend (there is a fee). The cool thing about a virtual con is that you don't have to pay for travel, hotel, food etc. Last year, 21,000 furries attended Furality. Here's the point: If you're having trouble being furry in the real world, opt for the virtual world. You don't have to do the SL or VRC thing, of course. If you're a gamer, I recommend having a Discord account where you can play furry-related games with lots of furries. And there are popular sites like FurAffinity, SoFurry, and the phone app Barq! Tell me, what websites, apps, etc. related to furries are you already familiar with? Papabear * * * Haha it’s got a nice ring to it! (Hi, Pi) :P Anyway, I actually am quite familiar with most of these! I used to even have a original Oculus Quest (before they changed to Meta) and an HTC Vive, along with my PC rig. But I had just never realized the vastness of the furry side of VR. Especially being I didn’t play that much VRchat. I would love to get back into it and finally experience more of VRchat, but just recently in a move, I had my PC and both VR headsets stolen from a PODs container, amongst other things. I am a bit struck for money at moment so I haven’t really had a chance to get some stuff back. But I do have Discord and I'm quite active on the Instagram and Barq side of the fandom. I just really wish I could get more involved socially into the fandom instead of being limited to things like Discord. I'm sure you know how my family's perspective on the community is right now. And being that Im at a stage in life where travel is not in my favor, my family would certainly have to know where I'd be going if I were to go to a con, meet, etc. But if you happen to know any good Discord servers it would be greatly appreciated! I do plan on getting a computer soon so that will make life a whole lot easier in regards to VR, etc. maybe I'll be able to make it to Furality! Thanks again! Pi * * * Then I would recommend you learn about getting into furry worlds on VRChat. This is definitely where a TON of young furries hang out, so there is no end of socializing. As for Discord, you're writing to an old greymuzzle who mostly uses Facebook because I'm an antique LOL, so I really don't hang much in Discord servers, but I'm sure you can ask around on other media sites and there will be furries who know more. As for your parents, like many parents, they just get caught up in the BS that media sites and misinformed people tell them, which is all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. If you're interested in getting DEEP into research on what furries REALLY are, and sharing that with your parents, download this FREE book here New Furbook available for download, and it's free! - Furscience I am also working on a book about the fandom that I hope to finish the end of the year. It won't be free, but it will be more relevant to all audiences and not just furries or serious researchers like the above link. Go to www.unclebearpublishing.com for updates on that. Write again if you have more questions! Stay Furry, Papabear * * * Thank you so much for your advice! I'm definitely going to look into VR more. I'm also quite interested in that book you’re writing. Would love to check it out when it’s finished. Knowing my family, I think I might just keep it from them until another time, if ever lol. As many say, it is just a hobby after all. Pretty soon I won't have to worry about their views as much, being that soon I’ll be a legal adult. But I’ll definitely be checking out those links for some friends that I have. And if it ever comes to it, I’ll have some backup solutions for my parents. xD Stay safe in these crazy times! communities including this fandom need more people like you! Best, Pi
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Dear Papabear,
I'm probably not the sort of fur you usually get questions from, but I'm hoping you can give me a little advice. Soon both of my parents will be gone. Dad passed five years ago and mom just entered hospice. They both were mentally and physically abusive, something they never admitted or attempted to make right. It's taken me decades to process and overcome the abuse. My brother never did and I've witnessed him exhibit some of the same abusive behaviors with his own children. Over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother mentioned that he was alone. He's divorced, in awful health, and more or less estranged from his two kids. He seemed to be asking for help and, being a helpful fox I want to do something... but can and should I? I'm thinking of laying it out on the table for him... telling him he needs to seek counseling, he needs to hear and accept his children's feelings, and most of all change. But am I rushing in where foxes shouldn't tread? I've mostly dealt with my demons, am I opening old wounds when I can't really do any good? Yours, Foxfire * * * Dear Foxfire, Thank you for your intriguing email. I am not unfamiliar with situations like your own in which an estranged family member tries to make their way back into your life. The first question you must ask yourself is this: Are they only doing this because they need money or to otherwise take advantage of you, or are they sincerely reconnecting? For example, someone close to me has a son who cut off ties because his father came out as gay, but this son occasionally contacts him--not because he misses him, but because he wants to hit him up for money. How touching. On the other paw . . . It is an unfortunate truth that oftentimes a victim of childhood abuse like your brother will, when they become parents themselves, abuse their children in turn. I believe the statistic is about one-third become abusers. You didn't, but your brother did. Unlike your brother, you did the homework to deal with the psychological scars head on. As you know, that is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Your brother, though, did not deal with his feelings, and so, as is often the case with people who don't deal with their emotions, those negative feelings have to come out, and they can do so in violent ways. My sister did something similar. She was raped by our grandfather when she was a girl and never really dealt with it, so she became an alcoholic and a very angry person instead. Because your brother did not deal with his issues, it has cost him his wife, his children, and his health. Now he has hit bottom. What is actually a promising sign, however, is that he is now reaching out to you for help. As long as the warning signs I mentioned above (asking for money and so forth) don't come out, I think you would be a good brother to offer him a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to go way out of your way to do this. Just listen, give him a sympathetic ear. Maybe see if you can help him find a good counselor, because you are right: What he really needs is some good, solid, professional guidance on the one hand and a bit of emotional help (you) on the other. Obviously, this doesn't mean you are "taking his side" or condoning what he did to his kids. I'm thinking a heart-to-heart between you two will show that, deep down, he knows what he did was wrong, and there is a good chance he really doesn't understand why he did it. He just knew he was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it in a healthy way. A good place to start is the website Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. Perhaps, if you have not done so yourself — and even though you seem to be coping pretty well — you could benefit from looking this over, too. Maybe do so before you talk to your brother. To answer your question, then: Yes, be there for your brother if you can. More than almost anyone in the world, you will understand him because you grew up in the same household. Don't be preachy or pushy. Just start by telling him he can talk to you, and you will listen. Then, perhaps go on this journey together of talking to counselors. Even though you are okay (it seems, mostly), if you do this together that will be of IMMENSE help to your brother — and bless you for doing so. This is a bit of a tricky road, though. Make sure he doesn't take advantage of you but do be there for him emotionally. Do you think you can manage that? It is okay if you feel like, emotionally, you are not up for a task that can be a pretty hefty burden, so don't feel guilty if you honestly don't think so. But if you do, that would be a terrific thing to do. Let me know if the above helps or you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I want to ask questions. I flunked that fandom accidentally in childhood when I was been young via rather porn website e621.net. Been in denial for a long time until I am not accepted furry fandom in current age. My parents strictly hate furries due to their thought that all furries are creeps and perverts. However, I am grown adult already and want to watch whatever I want but I can’t do it while my parents near. I want to feel freedom, but I can’t. Also I love that website and your sona. What should I do? I tried to convince my parents that not all furries like this, but they still think like that. Николай Плац (age 24, Russia) * * * Dear Nikolay, From what I've heard, being a furry in Russia is not easy. The culture there is extremely hostile to our people. There was once a furcon there called Rusfurence in Moscow that I believe ran from 2013 to just before COVID-19 kicked in (it might have died from the plague and never got resurrected), but politicians in your country have always been openly hostile to furries. For example, I understand that the government has apparently blocked furry websites from being accessed in Russia (although you said you have access to e621, so maybe that is exaggerated). Also, there has been a movement among some politicians to make furries and related cultures such as therians against the law (although nothing has become illegal as yet). In a story that just came out today on MSN ("Russian Senator Pushes for Ban on Controversial Furry Culture" by Weronika Paliczka), a senator named Natalia Kosichina declared that being furry (she is targeting therians doing quadrobics in particular) is unhealthy and somehow "dangerous" to the community. She never explains why. Just a fear of things that are different, I'm sure, because the senator asserted that therians should be forced to play conventional sports to make them "healthy." Anyway, in your particular case, your parents don't approve. This is common, even in America. In my experience, there really isn't much point in trying to sway their opinions toward the fandom because they see you as a child (even though you are 24) and likely won't respect your opinion on this matter. My suggestion to you is that, at 24, you should move out of your parents' house and go make a life on your own where you can be yourself. Now, the problem with that suggestion is that I do not know your financial situation, and politics and the economy right now in Russia is unsettled, to say the least. It might not be possible at the moment for you to leave, but I would make plans to do so as soon as you are able. In your mid-20s, you need to go out and make your own way. But even if you do so, it is still rough being where you are. If there is any way you can network with nearby furries that would be a help to you for sure. You only note that you are in Russia (a big big place), but if you are lucky and live in or near Moscow, there is a furry group there. Last I heard in an article in Dogpatch Press, they were still organizing events two years ago and hopefully still do so today. Apparently, these Muscovite furries found each other on the Russian social network VKontakte, so perhaps you can locate some furries on that social site, too. To summarize, it is likely a wasted effort to sway your parents. More productive would be to try to improve your position as an adult and individual, move out, and seek interaction with furries in your area by using whatever means are available to you. Good Luck! Papabear Papabear,
I am a Jehovah's Witness as well as both my parents and sibling. I have recently told them I'm a furry. It kinda flew over my dad's head and he is just impressed by my partial. My mom however had a lot of questions about what a furry is. I told her to do her own research on the fandom. The next day, she said it seemed very community-based and that she doesn't want me interacting with strangers, especially in a fandom that revolves around hiding your identity. Her reasoning is reasonable, and I want to obey her wishes, but I also want to experience the community and socialize with people who share the same interests as me. Sakura (age 14) * * * Dear Sakura, Your mother is right that this is a community-oriented fandom. She is wrong that it is about "hiding your identity." Quite the opposite. Furry is a way to explore your true self, to examine your dreams and feelings without the stigma of people judging you by your appearance, age, race, nationality, gender, or sex. When I say this, of course, I'm just talking about fursuits and/or people using their avatars in online interactions. When you're at a con or meet in person, most people are not fursuiting and you can see exactly who they are, although they will likely want you to call them by their fursona names. Your mother is assuming that a mask is intended to hide something, like a bankrobber wearing a ski mask, so it might sound ironic that fursonas do the opposite. They are very freeing. They allow you to drop your inhibitions, anxieties, and fears of being judged and to present yourself in ways that feel more genuine. This fosters interpersonal relationships rather than hindering them. The REAL masks in our society are not the ones made of foam and fur; they are the fake facades that people like politicians and businessmen and the pious put on to impress others. Have you ever, for example, watched a politician give a speech about how All-American and Apple Pie and Moral they are, only to see them be caught later cheating on their wives or stealing money from their political campaigns for personal use? THAT is a mask. Or the mask that a Catholic priest wears, the one of piety and virginity, only to be ripped away when they are found fornicating with young choir boys. Or the businessman who sets up a charity, only to be discovered that he did it for a tax write off and to give his moronic, useless children jobs as executives of said charity. This stuff happens all the time, and the masks worn are invisible. The masks furries wear are there not to conceal but to reveal. They can make you braver, more playful, and definitely less self-conscious. The first time I ever did karaoke, for example, was in fursuit. I sang The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book on stage at a furcon while in suit. Something I would never have been brave enough to do just as me. It was a blast! When I'm in fursuit, strangers from the very old to the very young come up to me and hug me. It's bonding and touching and sweet. Do you think someone would just walk up to 6-foot tall, 58-year-old, pasty-white Kevin Hile and give him a hug? Not likely. And they sure would back off if I walked up to them and tried to hug them! Furry isn't about hiding. It's about opening up to others, freeing yourself from social constraints and expectations, and being YOU. If you don't believe me, perhaps you will believe science. There have been studies, for example, that demonstrate that participating in the fandom helps those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a link to the FurScience page about that. If it helps people with autism, think of what it does for people who are not neurodivergent. Not to criticize, but you kind of made a mistake when you told your mother to go do her own research. What you should do, Sakura, is YOUR own research and then share it with your mom. Please share this email with her, and if she has ANY questions, feel free to tell her she can write to Papabear. Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Recently, my parents have been fighting a lot and saying they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me, and I'm also thinking of ending it all. What should I do? I have no one to talk to and I live with my aunt who's always at work and is neglective. Sincerely, Eli (age 6) Hope to hear from you soon. * * * Dear Eli, Are you really only 6? You write well for someone so young. I am sorry to hear your parents are fighting and making you feel bad. It is very wrong of them to say "they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me." What an AWFUL thing to tell your child!! Horrible! I'm glad you can live with your aunt. I don't know what her job is, but perhaps it seems she "neglects" you simply because she works hard and is tired? At least she took you in. Don't judge her too quickly. None of this is YOUR fault. PLEASE do not blame yourself. How could it be your fault when you're just a child? Repeat after me: "This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is NOT my fault." If you are serious when you say you feel suicidal, please call the hotline at 988. They will help you. There is no charge. If you wish to talk more, you know where to find me. You can email me directly. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
It's been a long time since I last asked you a question, but I hope you're doing well. I'm messaging for some advice because rgis is something that's been on my mind for a good while. I currently live with my mom and it's not really bad, but there are times she can be more of draining to me than my own job. I'm more than happy to help with stuff or grab something she needs, but sometimes when I've just finished a tiring ten hour shift and just got home she'll ask me to go right back out to grab something for her when she's been home all day and could have went out to grab it herself. There are times when she'll ask to use my car for something instead of her own for something. I don't mind since my car is bigger than hers and for groceries it certainly holds more, but there are times it messes with my own work schedule, and when I have no choice but to use her car, she'll leave it with little to no gas at all. But most of the issues I feel I get are from just being around her. There was a day she called me from my room just to see me and say "You're getting fat." It made my day which was relatively nice feel much worse. She says how she wants me to lose weight and worries about my health and right now I'm around the 240's, I'm actively moving about at work and I maintain my weight rather well but all she sees is my belly and just goes back to that. It feels as if everytime we talk her tone makes it that she looks down on me, or at the very least like I'm still a little kid. I sometimes wonder what to do, even my sister suggests I finally move out. I'm sorry for trailing on like this, my question after all of this is do you think it's a good idea for me to try moving out? Kageichi (29) * * * Hi, Kageichi, Please forgive me if I don't recall what we might have talked about in the past. Before I answer your letter in more detail, could you answer a couple of questions? 1) Why, at 29 with a full-time job, do you still live with your mother? 2) What are the conditions for your living at your mom's house? (e.g., i.e., do you pay rent or have some other agreement for your continuing to live there?) Thanks for your replies. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello There First of all, it's alright. It has been many years since I last sent a letter to you. As for your questions, I live with my mom because while there are plenty of apartments a part of me feels pretty nervous too, I feel worried I might be unprepared to move out and handle being out on my own. A lot of things over the years just makes me have little confidence in myself. The living condition of living with my mom aren't bad. I help with some bills, and I give my mother 100 bucks a week. She never told me where the 100 dollars go to, but I just thought maybe it was for rent. * * * Okay, one more question if I may: how much $$ do you bring in per month? Also, does your job include any benefits like medical insurance? Oh, and what city and state are you in? * * * I get paid every week and since I work almost 40 hours every week, my pay usually rounds up from 500 to $700 a week after taxes is taken out. My job does include health insurance and 401K which some of my cash goes to. I live in D***, SC. * * * Hi, again, Okay, thanks for the information. So! Basically, you make about $2,400 a month take-home pay. I looked at apartment listings in the D***, SC, area, and you can get a studio or 1-bedroom apartment for anywhere between $800 and $1,500 a month or so. Let's say you find a good deal at $1,000 a month, leaving you with $1,400 a month. Let's further assume your car payment is $200 a month, leaving you with about a $1,200 a month for utilities, gas, food, sundries. That's not a lot in this economy, even in South Carolina (you wouldn't survive in an expensive state like New York or California). You're giving your mom $100 for rent a month (sometimes). You should be kissing and hugging her "Thank you!" for saving you so much money. You should NOT resent her if she asks you to occasionally buy some food or to borrow your car. And if the worst she does is suggest you might need to lose some weight? I would hazard a guess she is genuinely concerned about you staying healthy. Don't take it as a slam (unless she says it in a mean tone to you, but it sounds like some of that is how you are taking her words). If you moved out of the house, you would likely struggle financially unless you found a better-paying job. And, if you lost your job, you'd likely have to move right back in. Instead of complaining about your mom asking for a few things, you should sit down with her and make out a JOINT budget in which you figure out how you can pay your fair share for the room and board she is supplying you. If your biggest complaint is that she sometimes asks you to buy some food after work when you are tired, that can easily be fixed by the two of you planning your grocery list ahead of time and going to the store together to make sure you have everything necessary. Set a rule that, unless it is something vital to purchase right away, she should not ask you to run errands right after work when you're tired. Schedule a time in your week when you run errands for her. You should also be paying her more per month. Compromise between the $400 and the price of an apartment, so, let's say, give her $750 a month. That's a good deal, and you should be grateful for it. If you don't feel like you can afford that (I don't know what other expenses you might have) then compensate by doing more chores around the house (you don't mention if you do any, but just because you work doesn't mean you can't do chores, too). Moving out right now, while doable, is probably not the best choice financially. Your mother sounds like she is not bad to live with at all. If she treats you like a little kid, it might be because you are acting a bit like one by not helping to pay your fair share of the expenses at the house. She might be a little passive-aggressive with her criticism of your belly, so you should talk that out. Perhaps she's directing some frustration over you by saying you're chubby. Sit down with your mom and discuss the following:
You're 29 years old. Time to step up. You don't have to move out (unless you want to), but you do need to show more responsibility and appreciate your mother more for helping you out so much. Whether you stay or go, you need to do the adult thing. Take Care, Papabear Dear Papabear:
My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry. I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality. It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby? Kind Regards, Sera (age 21) * * * Dear Sera, You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/). Some resources you can recommend for them include:
In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best. Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom. Thank you for being a caring sister. Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays. Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'm an artist, and I love to create and draw my fursonas on my computer, usually with the help of free ref sheets, but lately I've realized that my dad has been going on my computer to see what I've been working on, and to make sure I don't have any games or anything bad installed. This would be fine, but I have a feeling that my dad would NOT approve of my being a furry. I've been hiding it for over a year now, because I'm pretty sure if he found out, he would disown me, or at least punish me. I've been pretty good at hiding it, but I'm worried that if he keeps checking my computer like this, he might find my fursonas and get mad. I don't know what to do. If I ask him not to look through my art, might get suspicious, but if I do nothing, he might stumble upon it anyway. Please help. I don't know what to do. Pip the Pesky Bird (age 14) * * * Dear Pip, The problem goes deeper than the art on your computer. This is about trust. Now, your dad has a perfect right to monitor your computer behavior, but he did so by sneaking behind your back to do it. At the same time, you were hiding what you were drawing regarding furry stuff. The first thing you and your dad need to do, therefore, is to rebuild the trust between you. Here is a nice article from the Boys and Girls Club of America on ways to build trust. Basically, what it advocates is open, honest communication. Working on expressing your needs and desires. Both you and your parent need to be able to do this because without trust you are creating a path toward miscommunication, hurt feelings, and a broken relationship. I understand that you are afraid about revealing your furriness, but you are not doing anything bad such as drawing porn. Your father likely does not have an accurate mental image of furries, especially these days with all those ridiculous falsehoods about cat litter boxes in schools. Your job is to communicate to him why you enjoy drawing furries and what furry means to you. At the same time, tell him you want everything out in the open and he is free to monitor what you do on the phone and computer. You also want him to ask you any questions and to feel free that you can ask HIM questions about anything. Assume your dad already knows what you are doing. Apologize that you have been a bit secretive about it, but tell him why you have. He will not disown you. And punishing you would be stupid. I mean, has he ever forbidden you to draw furry stuff? If he forbade you to do something and you did it anyway, he might justify a punishment, but if he never said don't do it, he has no grounds to punish you. Most parents fear their kids doing furry stuff because they are ignorant of what furry is and believe what the idiotic media tells them. On the other paw, once parents understand that furry is no worse than, say, playing World of Warcraft, most parents are okay with it. The key is to alleviate your dad's fears. Being secretive is a red flag that you know you are doing something wrong (even if you aren't), and your dad isn't stupid. He picks up on stuff like that. So, once again, the key is to be honest. And honesty goes both ways. Remember, your dad loves you and wants to protect you. If he didn't, he wouldn't care what you did on the computer. Talk to Dad. Good Luck, Papabear Papabear,
I'm in the closet, and if I come out I lose everyone I still care about except for my brother. My mom hates gays but thinks my Greek grandmother molesting me and hitting me and starving me as a kid is ok and says I am being a sissy pretty much cause I don't want to be around her. [I'm] single, male, no job cause of stuttering, can't drive yet, and severe nightmares. i can only sleep in daytime. These nightmares are so bad I can't fall asleep at night. Every sound makes me jump and turn on all lights. I feel pain, and I can't wake up from them, like, Freddy Kruger-style. Of course, no marks when I wake up, but my mental health is declining. I feel so alone, and I am starting to see my nightmares when I'm awake, too. Like, I can see it but only as it rounds a corner or out the corner of my eye. I know it's not real; in fact, I'm an atheist, but this terrifies me. It'ss a deer who wears its skeleton on the outside of its body and stands 12 feet on hinds legs. I'm 6 ft 7, and it holds me down and bites me, causing extreme pain and suffering. [At] age 21 and a half, [I'm] not sure what conversion therapy they were talking about [Papabear note: this is a follow-up letter of one I received in which the letter writer asks if he should go through conversion therapy; I asked for more background, which resulted in this current letter], but I read and watched vids, so I'm scared of that shock therapy stuff. Dating site stuff, all want me to pay, and I currently can't. Money issues and no credit card. When I put my mind to it, I can do tough jobs, but my mind has been deteriorating for years now. I've lost hope. Only reason I ain't dead is my brother, and I am too sissy to end it, and idk how to end it. If you can help that would be wonderful. Also, current counselor is way too queer. I guess I just need someone to tell me it's okay and [get some] advice. Racist south Louisiana, but gay is the new black (aka, gays are being beaten every day, and no cops interfere). I spend time on video games hoping that tomorrow is a better day. Like walking dead, taking it one day at a time. The way my grandma did stuff was she was like the Baba Yaga in [the Witcher]. She weaved a web of lies and fed off my pain but sexually. Grooming and touching and rubbing and hitting and starving. Now [that] I'm larger, I cant retaliate. Why? Cause she is a woman, and I'm a man, and she is old now. Please help if u can. I don't sleep much, and I fear I may go crazy if I already haven't. Solmyr Wizard22 (Louisiana, age 21) * * * Dear Solmyr, Yours is a terribly sad story. I see why you might ask about conversion therapy. So, we need to be clear here. Conversion therapy does not work and never has. It is, indeed, a form of mental and emotional torture and has been banned in several states (see this map https://www.lgbtmap.org/equality-maps/conversion_therapy). People who still believe in conversion therapy consider being homosexual a type of mental illness or social deviancy. This is not true. There is nothing wrong with you, which is why conversion therapy doesn't work (you can't "cure" something when there is nothing to cure). Indeed, as you can see here, conversion therapy is dangerous: https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy. Being gay and having family hate you for it seems to be only part of the issue. Your grandmother is a huge problem, too, as you know. The nightmares you are having are likely a manifestation of your fears and horrors experienced while living with this horrible woman. She is the deer with the skeleton on the outside of her body. Because your anxieties are depriving you of sleep, these dreams are now manifesting in your waking world. When you do not get enough sleep (REM sleep), you can experience many side effects, including hallucinations, and this appears to be what you are experiencing now. Of high importance at this time, therefore, is for you to get some sound, restful sleep. Here are some tips from Harvard Medical School (https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/tips-for-beating-anxiety-to-get-a-better-nights-sleep). If need be, try over-the-counter sleep aids (I would avoid ZzzQuil as it tends to exacerbate nightmares). You can also talk to a trained therapist about how to alleviate your anxiety to sleep better. Speaking of counselors, yours is evidently not a good match. There is nothing wrong with shopping around for a therapist until you find one with whom you are comfortable and who helps you. Your mental health issues are peaking, which is concerning since you are entertaining thoughts of suicide. For this, I would ask you to please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. It is a free call and you will reach people who are trained specifically with this issue. And, FYI, it is GOOD that you are "too sissy" to kill yourself. This means you still have a will to live. Hold onto that healthy desire to live. You also need to start working toward getting away from your present environment, especially your grandmother, but also your gay-hating parents. YOU are NOT the problem. THEY are. You have not done anything wrong. Being gay or bi is not a moral failing. You don't make clear why, at 21, you don't have a job, but you need to amend that. If the problem is your anxiety, then deal with that first and then work toward employment. If you are disabled and cannot work, then apply for government disability. Do anything to get some money so you can take control of your life. That's my initial advice to you. You can write again any time when you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hi. 13 year old new furry here. I want to ask my dad if I can get a fursuit. He already knows I'm a furry from snooping on my computer and discord. I don't really know too much of how he feels about it. I also want to attend my local furry con in June. I am really struggling with this new liking. I also want to make friends with furries, but my dad recently made me completely log out of discord and other forums for (reasons) that I will not share here. I hope someone can help me out here! Victor (age 13) * * * Dear Victor, Your father is trying to protect you from porn, of which there is a lot on furry websites, as you likely know. At 13, you are too young for such things. The furry fandom was created for adults, not children, but these days a lot of kids as young as 10 are discovering the fandom. It is attractive to them because it relates to many of the cartoons and animated movies young people enjoy watching, and the idea of becoming an anthro animal character can have a lot of appeal to the young imagination. If you wish to continue exploring your furriness, Papabear's advice to you is that you stop hiding your internet and phone behavior and have an honest discussion with Dad because, at the tender age of 13, you are not going to be able to attend a furcon without his cooperation and support. You are likely going to have a tough time of this, honestly, because it sounds like you have been looking at furporn and possibly indulging in other unsavory behavior. Furcons will only allow underage furries to attend if they are accompanied by a parent or guardian. You can't just go by yourself or with a friend. So, for you to get a fursuit (are you paying yourself or asking Dad to buy it, which will be even harder?) and go to a con, you are going to have to reestablish your connection with Dad. Indeed, you will need a verbal agreement with him to do the following: NOT look at furporn or engage in X-rated roleplay online and be completely transparent with your online and phone activities with Dad (no more hiding what you do; Dad must have complete access to your browser history and more). You will then need time to repair your relationship so that Dad trusts you to be honest with him. Seeing that this is January and the con is in June, I seriously doubt you can fix this in time for the next local furcon. That said, all hope is not lost. With a lot of work and love, you may be able to get Dad on your side again. You can do this by discussing the fandom openly with him and by showing him such things as the documentary The Fandom by Ash Coyote, which is available free on YouTube here. Good Luck! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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