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Hi Papabear,
I have written multiple times before, but this time I'm "all grown up" (not really but I'm 18) and have finally graduated, feelin' old yet? Anyway, this isn't about that. To be truthful, I haven't actually done any furry stuff in forever. Like, I'm talking the actual last time I still was a cisgender girl lol. I'm trying to get back into it, but it's harder than hell. Within the last couple of years, my family--but especially my brother and father--have been weirdly judgmental and borderline hateful sometimes. Basically, half of the things I am are usually bashed: Furries, MLP fans, trans people, people who make headcanons about fictional characters (especially headcanoning that a character is gay or trans), people who are in relationships or are very attached to fictional characters, and some more, but those are the main ones that are literally me. I know it shouldn't upset me, but the Furries one will always tip me off because my brother will always say stuff like, "Oh, don't go to that discord server" just because "furry" is in the name of the group or whatever (apparently, due to a real thing that happened at some point regarding a furry server and some disgusting stuff being posted in secret channels, but he's obviously doing it to be rude). Another thing is that I am a trans man but still not out. I'm also gay, so I always do headcanons for characters if I see them. My current big interest is the Metal Gear franchise. There are 2 characters--Kazuhira Miller and Big Boss--and I am a big shipper of them as I love both of them as characters, so naturally, I talk about it. I did once and my dad said, "You see gayness where there isn't." He had his tone joking, but I could clearly tell he believed it. Also, weird stuff regarding fictosexual people: my fictional other is Old Snake from MGS4 and has been since I was 15. Anyway, sorry for those long paragraphs. They were for catching up and what brought me here. Here's a big one, and the one that made me want to write this after it happened: So about 2 months after my last message back in May 2024 there was a big incident. My dad was listening to a video; it was those podcasts where they bring in a woman and like insult her just for having OnlyFans and other such ignorant things. Honestly, to me, it felt very much staged. So, I mentioned that I said it felt staged and almost like a strawman. He flew off his handles. He started raising his voice, telling me that saying something like that (that a podcast that just insults women seems like it brings in strawmen to insult them) is very rude and for me to say something like that to rape victims--yes, he thought that was a fantastic comparison. Then we got home and he looked at my mom and said, "You should show them the struggles men face," and, of course, my dad started his whole "straight white men are seen as worse than black people" spiel. Talking to a closeted trans man about it is a tough sell, even back in 2024, due to being in a red state. Sorry about the long email, but I just needed to show everything that catalyzed this email: some old, some new but the question is: How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me? It seems like nearly every email I've ever sent actually just is this question but presented differently. Thank you for reading my long ramble. GLaDOS The Wolf * * * Hi, GLaDOS, Yes, I recall you. You wrote me back in 2020 and again in 2024. And now you are 18 and morphing into that bizarre land we call adulting ;) You thought kidhood was rough! Wait for Adulting! The Sequel! And yes, I am old. I'm working on my 61st trip around the Sun. And I will have to admit that language is changing fast, and I had to look up headcanon (but I did know shipping and straw man, so I'm not hopeless). Please be understanding toward ol' Papabear, therefore, if I sometimes use old people's words in my reply to you ;) You're just another example of the eternal struggle in societies to be different. So, you have a crush on Metal Gear characters and have some fantasizing about other fictional scenarios--so what? That is actually not unusual at all. It is also normal for people to project their own feelings, inclinations, philosophies, etc. onto characters and plots we see in fiction. Whereas you might project a trans view onto a TV character, your father does the same thing from a straight male perspective (at least, he asserts he is straight). Why do people like your father get so riled up about people who are LGBTQ or are fans of MLP or are Furries or whatev? There's a simple explanation, really. People who have been raised to believe in one view and see the entire world from one perspective find doing so to be very comforting. If everyone, for example, was one race, one sexual orientation (among 2 choices, of course), one nationality, and practiced one religion, things would be predictable, and predictable things are reassuring and not scary. This can be a very scary world, as you likely have already figured out, and when things are scary, unpredictable, and seem dangerous, people try to grasp onto things that seem solid and reliable, such as their religion or the idea that you can only be what you look like on the outside. When people's beliefs are challenged, they get scared, and being scared can lead to anger and shouting. The problem is even worse when someone is not of a particularly high intelligence and is unable to comprehend or accept that things may be more complicated than they were raised to believe. People like that will "bash" you and make fun of you because you are different. You challenge their worldview, and this scares them. They aren't able to handle it. They don't have the brainpower, quite frankly, to imagine that not everything is the way they were told it was. Another scenario is when people who are deeply closeted and cannot admit to themselves that they don't fit the mold society imposes on them react aggressively against anything that violates conservative laws. This is because they are afraid they themselves might not be able to fit what society wants. The possibility is very frightening, and so they become homophobes or bigots to create a protective facade. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of your father, but it is possible. So, your question of "How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me?" has to do not with you but with your environment, the people surrounding you. The strategies available to you are:
Number 4 is, of course, a stupid option. Number 1 changes nothing. Number 2 is a lie. This leaves number 3 as really the best option. I'm not saying you should move out of the house right now, but since you are 18, I would venture to guess you will be moving out at some point soon to go to school or work or maybe join the military (not really a great option for you, I would suggest) or who knows: something to do with growing up, anyway. If 3 is not an option, though, the next best is number 1, but you will need to learn to deal with it in a very Stoic way. The central premise of the philosophical school of Stoicism is that you need to acknowledge that you can't change who people are (nor can you change that sometimes bad things will happen to you), but what you can change is how you react to them. To do so, you have to recognize that your father and brother are, in their way, suffering from a disability. It is the disability of having a closed mind, for whatever reason. Now, you can try to educate them, sure, but that could take years, a lot of effort, a lot of tears, and it might not work at all. So, get ready for another numbered list (I'm German and have a love of numbered lists).
And don't worry so much, GLaDOS. You're fine! The best thing you can do as you enter the adult world is accept yourself for who you are without shame and, indeed, with pride. Speaking of Pride, what a great letter for Pride Month, yes? Go find your people, hon, and embrace your life and your spirit without apologies. Blessed Be, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
Hello! I have some homo[phobic] parents at home (I'm pan), and my parents also think furries are insane people who never take their suits off and act like wild animals. I make the masks even though they hate em'. My fursona is a pit bull named meteor. My dad yells when I wear black ("TAKE OFF THAT EMU SHIT'' and "TAKE OFF THOSE FREAK WERIDO CLOTHES"). My mom is homo[phobic], too. My mom said my dad will divorce and disown me and her if I am LGBTQ or a furry. I'm hoping you will help; both are narcissists. Thanks, Papabear :) Charlotte (age 13) * * * Hi, Charlotte, I am going to assume that when you say your parents are "homo parents" you mean homophobic, yes? First off, your parents can't disown you without a court of law approving them to do so, which is highly unlikely, so please do not worry about that. That is an idle threat your parents are making. Parents are legally obligated under the law to support you financially and physically until you are of legal age (18). If they don't, that is child abuse. If your parents are physically or emotionally abusing you, you can do something about that. Your first step would be to contact your local child protective services department. (Or--and this could be better--if you have a close relative such as a grandparent who is sympathetic to you, you could ask them for some support). You should only contact social services, though, if you really feel like you are in danger for your life or well-being, so please do not contact CPS just because your parents yell at you. But it does sound like your parents are being pretty awful to you, and I am sorry to hear that. Here are some words of advice I hope will help.
Another link I'd like to give you is called Moms of Furries. This page is run by two women whose children are furries. When they first found out about their kids' interest, they were kind of worried, but then they did a lot of research and discovered what fun being a furry is and how it can actually help people improve skills like creativity and socializing. They became so supportive of their furry kids that they started the Moms of Furries website to help parents and furries. Also, if you like, you can have them write directly to Papabear. I like getting questions from parents, and I wish I did more often. If you have any questions about the above, feel free to write to me again. Bear Hugs, Papabear Heya, Papabear!
I have just recently stumbled upon your website while catching up on my usual fur-media, if you will. :3 While I do have my question, first I would just like to say I really respect and love what you have going on over here. This site is a great resource and I really wish I had found it sooner. So thank you! I am 17 and have been in the fandom for about 5-6 years now. I truly love it here and finally feel very comfortable in a space I know I will not be judged, ridiculed, teased, or otherwise about who I am. I have always had an odd interest in anthropomorphic characters when I was younger and ever since I found the fandom it all started to make a little more sense lol! Anyhoo, it's safe to say that being a furry is a big part of who I am and my passions. And I don't see it going anywhere, anytime soon. Now, being that I am 17, and still in high school, I live with my mother. (I don’t have contact to my dad). And my mom and her family are not the warmest to the furry community as I have sadly found out. They see the fandom for the complete opposite of what it is, weather it's, “People believing they are animals, dressing up like dogs and barking at people.” Or “Overweight 30 yo men having sex in suit.” All the way to thinking that getting crazy cosmetic surgeries and changes, walking on all fours and whining at their teachers and bosses like an actual animal are what furries are/do. And having news reports at some of the local schools in our area about a few out of hand students that are apart of Otherkin doesn’t really help either. Other than that, I have heard them talking a number of times about how “strange,” “disgusting,” and “weird” furries are. A lot of them were with me sitting at the table, trying to not get defensive, embarrassed, or act suspicious. They always seem to have something bad to say about them, especially whenever they see a furry-related bumper sticker, event, online account, or God forbid, a fursiuter in public. (I actually happen to live in the same city as one of my favorite furs! Verplex!) I digress, but it honestly breaks my heart to hear how my mom, aunts, and even some of my cousins talk about something that is so dear to me. And all I can do is sit there in my nervous sweat. And knowing how they are, if they found out about me, I would never hear the end of it. I would probably be seen as a freak by the entire family. I am also quite afraid that my mom might take a route that my father had taken. To be honest, the reason why I don't have any contact with my dad is because he no longer wishes to have me in his life. And a big chunk of it was due to him finding out about my hobbies (the fandom) and my sexuality. Not only is this hard and frustrating to hear others talking bad about something I enjoy and brings me so much more support and love than anyone else ever has, but I am really wanting to get more involved in the community now that I have been a quiet internet fur for a while now. I would love to get some merch, art, go to meets and conventions, and get some real-life friends who also share the interest. Not to mention (out of reach) but eventually commission a fursuit of my sona. But not only living with my parents but unsupportive ones makes that a real challenge. I do know that I am making it to the later chunk of my teen years, and eventually will have a lot more freedom, but I doubt I'd be able to move out when I hit 18. My childhood and teenage years have been such a struggle for me, and I really would love to try to start to enjoy something before it ends. Asides from that, it would be a huge relief to just break all this tension. Even if I know there will be plenty of moments ahead of me. The best time is always the present. I'm sure you have gotten a bunch of questions or help letters like this one. And maybe even a sit-down talk would change their minds, but before I go full send on revealing my floofy side, I would love to just get some advice and thoughts. Anything would be appreciated. Thank you. Sorry for the long letter, I know how these can get overwhelming. I hope all is well, especially In these crazy times! >~ Thanks again. Best, Pi Husky * * * Hi, Pi, Quick question: Are you familiar with VRchat and/or Second Life? Papabear * * * Hi again! Yes, I used to play a little bit of VRchat, back when I had a capable setup. Only heard of Second Life. Don’t know what it is though. Thanks! Pi * * * Hi, Pi (I like saying that, hi pi ;) Second Life is a virtual world that is still around but was much more popular than it is now because VRChat has sort of one-upped it by offering 3D capabilities. You don't need a 3D VR visor to use VRChat, but it's nice if you do. Anyway, although both SL and VRC are for all audiences, there are HUGE furry communities in both with furry worlds and meetup places where furries gather. You can wear an avatar (you can buy them or custom make them) to go with your fursona, you can make friends, buy merch, build yourself a home or other getaway, etc. In VRChat there is even an annual convention called Furality that you can attend (there is a fee). The cool thing about a virtual con is that you don't have to pay for travel, hotel, food etc. Last year, 21,000 furries attended Furality. Here's the point: If you're having trouble being furry in the real world, opt for the virtual world. You don't have to do the SL or VRC thing, of course. If you're a gamer, I recommend having a Discord account where you can play furry-related games with lots of furries. And there are popular sites like FurAffinity, SoFurry, and the phone app Barq! Tell me, what websites, apps, etc. related to furries are you already familiar with? Papabear * * * Haha it’s got a nice ring to it! (Hi, Pi) :P Anyway, I actually am quite familiar with most of these! I used to even have a original Oculus Quest (before they changed to Meta) and an HTC Vive, along with my PC rig. But I had just never realized the vastness of the furry side of VR. Especially being I didn’t play that much VRchat. I would love to get back into it and finally experience more of VRchat, but just recently in a move, I had my PC and both VR headsets stolen from a PODs container, amongst other things. I am a bit struck for money at moment so I haven’t really had a chance to get some stuff back. But I do have Discord and I'm quite active on the Instagram and Barq side of the fandom. I just really wish I could get more involved socially into the fandom instead of being limited to things like Discord. I'm sure you know how my family's perspective on the community is right now. And being that Im at a stage in life where travel is not in my favor, my family would certainly have to know where I'd be going if I were to go to a con, meet, etc. But if you happen to know any good Discord servers it would be greatly appreciated! I do plan on getting a computer soon so that will make life a whole lot easier in regards to VR, etc. maybe I'll be able to make it to Furality! Thanks again! Pi * * * Then I would recommend you learn about getting into furry worlds on VRChat. This is definitely where a TON of young furries hang out, so there is no end of socializing. As for Discord, you're writing to an old greymuzzle who mostly uses Facebook because I'm an antique LOL, so I really don't hang much in Discord servers, but I'm sure you can ask around on other media sites and there will be furries who know more. As for your parents, like many parents, they just get caught up in the BS that media sites and misinformed people tell them, which is all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. If you're interested in getting DEEP into research on what furries REALLY are, and sharing that with your parents, download this FREE book here New Furbook available for download, and it's free! - Furscience I am also working on a book about the fandom that I hope to finish the end of the year. It won't be free, but it will be more relevant to all audiences and not just furries or serious researchers like the above link. Go to www.unclebearpublishing.com for updates on that. Write again if you have more questions! Stay Furry, Papabear * * * Thank you so much for your advice! I'm definitely going to look into VR more. I'm also quite interested in that book you’re writing. Would love to check it out when it’s finished. Knowing my family, I think I might just keep it from them until another time, if ever lol. As many say, it is just a hobby after all. Pretty soon I won't have to worry about their views as much, being that soon I’ll be a legal adult. But I’ll definitely be checking out those links for some friends that I have. And if it ever comes to it, I’ll have some backup solutions for my parents. xD Stay safe in these crazy times! communities including this fandom need more people like you! Best, Pi Dear Papabear,
I'm probably not the sort of fur you usually get questions from, but I'm hoping you can give me a little advice. Soon both of my parents will be gone. Dad passed five years ago and mom just entered hospice. They both were mentally and physically abusive, something they never admitted or attempted to make right. It's taken me decades to process and overcome the abuse. My brother never did and I've witnessed him exhibit some of the same abusive behaviors with his own children. Over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother mentioned that he was alone. He's divorced, in awful health, and more or less estranged from his two kids. He seemed to be asking for help and, being a helpful fox I want to do something... but can and should I? I'm thinking of laying it out on the table for him... telling him he needs to seek counseling, he needs to hear and accept his children's feelings, and most of all change. But am I rushing in where foxes shouldn't tread? I've mostly dealt with my demons, am I opening old wounds when I can't really do any good? Yours, Foxfire * * * Dear Foxfire, Thank you for your intriguing email. I am not unfamiliar with situations like your own in which an estranged family member tries to make their way back into your life. The first question you must ask yourself is this: Are they only doing this because they need money or to otherwise take advantage of you, or are they sincerely reconnecting? For example, someone close to me has a son who cut off ties because his father came out as gay, but this son occasionally contacts him--not because he misses him, but because he wants to hit him up for money. How touching. On the other paw . . . It is an unfortunate truth that oftentimes a victim of childhood abuse like your brother will, when they become parents themselves, abuse their children in turn. I believe the statistic is about one-third become abusers. You didn't, but your brother did. Unlike your brother, you did the homework to deal with the psychological scars head on. As you know, that is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Your brother, though, did not deal with his feelings, and so, as is often the case with people who don't deal with their emotions, those negative feelings have to come out, and they can do so in violent ways. My sister did something similar. She was raped by our grandfather when she was a girl and never really dealt with it, so she became an alcoholic and a very angry person instead. Because your brother did not deal with his issues, it has cost him his wife, his children, and his health. Now he has hit bottom. What is actually a promising sign, however, is that he is now reaching out to you for help. As long as the warning signs I mentioned above (asking for money and so forth) don't come out, I think you would be a good brother to offer him a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to go way out of your way to do this. Just listen, give him a sympathetic ear. Maybe see if you can help him find a good counselor, because you are right: What he really needs is some good, solid, professional guidance on the one hand and a bit of emotional help (you) on the other. Obviously, this doesn't mean you are "taking his side" or condoning what he did to his kids. I'm thinking a heart-to-heart between you two will show that, deep down, he knows what he did was wrong, and there is a good chance he really doesn't understand why he did it. He just knew he was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it in a healthy way. A good place to start is the website Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. Perhaps, if you have not done so yourself — and even though you seem to be coping pretty well — you could benefit from looking this over, too. Maybe do so before you talk to your brother. To answer your question, then: Yes, be there for your brother if you can. More than almost anyone in the world, you will understand him because you grew up in the same household. Don't be preachy or pushy. Just start by telling him he can talk to you, and you will listen. Then, perhaps go on this journey together of talking to counselors. Even though you are okay (it seems, mostly), if you do this together that will be of IMMENSE help to your brother — and bless you for doing so. This is a bit of a tricky road, though. Make sure he doesn't take advantage of you but do be there for him emotionally. Do you think you can manage that? It is okay if you feel like, emotionally, you are not up for a task that can be a pretty hefty burden, so don't feel guilty if you honestly don't think so. But if you do, that would be a terrific thing to do. Let me know if the above helps or you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I want to ask questions. I flunked that fandom accidentally in childhood when I was been young via rather porn website e621.net. Been in denial for a long time until I am not accepted furry fandom in current age. My parents strictly hate furries due to their thought that all furries are creeps and perverts. However, I am grown adult already and want to watch whatever I want but I can’t do it while my parents near. I want to feel freedom, but I can’t. Also I love that website and your sona. What should I do? I tried to convince my parents that not all furries like this, but they still think like that. Николай Плац (age 24, Russia) * * * Dear Nikolay, From what I've heard, being a furry in Russia is not easy. The culture there is extremely hostile to our people. There was once a furcon there called Rusfurence in Moscow that I believe ran from 2013 to just before COVID-19 kicked in (it might have died from the plague and never got resurrected), but politicians in your country have always been openly hostile to furries. For example, I understand that the government has apparently blocked furry websites from being accessed in Russia (although you said you have access to e621, so maybe that is exaggerated). Also, there has been a movement among some politicians to make furries and related cultures such as therians against the law (although nothing has become illegal as yet). In a story that just came out today on MSN ("Russian Senator Pushes for Ban on Controversial Furry Culture" by Weronika Paliczka), a senator named Natalia Kosichina declared that being furry (she is targeting therians doing quadrobics in particular) is unhealthy and somehow "dangerous" to the community. She never explains why. Just a fear of things that are different, I'm sure, because the senator asserted that therians should be forced to play conventional sports to make them "healthy." Anyway, in your particular case, your parents don't approve. This is common, even in America. In my experience, there really isn't much point in trying to sway their opinions toward the fandom because they see you as a child (even though you are 24) and likely won't respect your opinion on this matter. My suggestion to you is that, at 24, you should move out of your parents' house and go make a life on your own where you can be yourself. Now, the problem with that suggestion is that I do not know your financial situation, and politics and the economy right now in Russia is unsettled, to say the least. It might not be possible at the moment for you to leave, but I would make plans to do so as soon as you are able. In your mid-20s, you need to go out and make your own way. But even if you do so, it is still rough being where you are. If there is any way you can network with nearby furries that would be a help to you for sure. You only note that you are in Russia (a big big place), but if you are lucky and live in or near Moscow, there is a furry group there. Last I heard in an article in Dogpatch Press, they were still organizing events two years ago and hopefully still do so today. Apparently, these Muscovite furries found each other on the Russian social network VKontakte, so perhaps you can locate some furries on that social site, too. To summarize, it is likely a wasted effort to sway your parents. More productive would be to try to improve your position as an adult and individual, move out, and seek interaction with furries in your area by using whatever means are available to you. Good Luck! Papabear Papabear,
I am a Jehovah's Witness as well as both my parents and sibling. I have recently told them I'm a furry. It kinda flew over my dad's head and he is just impressed by my partial. My mom however had a lot of questions about what a furry is. I told her to do her own research on the fandom. The next day, she said it seemed very community-based and that she doesn't want me interacting with strangers, especially in a fandom that revolves around hiding your identity. Her reasoning is reasonable, and I want to obey her wishes, but I also want to experience the community and socialize with people who share the same interests as me. Sakura (age 14) * * * Dear Sakura, Your mother is right that this is a community-oriented fandom. She is wrong that it is about "hiding your identity." Quite the opposite. Furry is a way to explore your true self, to examine your dreams and feelings without the stigma of people judging you by your appearance, age, race, nationality, gender, or sex. When I say this, of course, I'm just talking about fursuits and/or people using their avatars in online interactions. When you're at a con or meet in person, most people are not fursuiting and you can see exactly who they are, although they will likely want you to call them by their fursona names. Your mother is assuming that a mask is intended to hide something, like a bankrobber wearing a ski mask, so it might sound ironic that fursonas do the opposite. They are very freeing. They allow you to drop your inhibitions, anxieties, and fears of being judged and to present yourself in ways that feel more genuine. This fosters interpersonal relationships rather than hindering them. The REAL masks in our society are not the ones made of foam and fur; they are the fake facades that people like politicians and businessmen and the pious put on to impress others. Have you ever, for example, watched a politician give a speech about how All-American and Apple Pie and Moral they are, only to see them be caught later cheating on their wives or stealing money from their political campaigns for personal use? THAT is a mask. Or the mask that a Catholic priest wears, the one of piety and virginity, only to be ripped away when they are found fornicating with young choir boys. Or the businessman who sets up a charity, only to be discovered that he did it for a tax write off and to give his moronic, useless children jobs as executives of said charity. This stuff happens all the time, and the masks worn are invisible. The masks furries wear are there not to conceal but to reveal. They can make you braver, more playful, and definitely less self-conscious. The first time I ever did karaoke, for example, was in fursuit. I sang The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book on stage at a furcon while in suit. Something I would never have been brave enough to do just as me. It was a blast! When I'm in fursuit, strangers from the very old to the very young come up to me and hug me. It's bonding and touching and sweet. Do you think someone would just walk up to 6-foot tall, 58-year-old, pasty-white Kevin Hile and give him a hug? Not likely. And they sure would back off if I walked up to them and tried to hug them! Furry isn't about hiding. It's about opening up to others, freeing yourself from social constraints and expectations, and being YOU. If you don't believe me, perhaps you will believe science. There have been studies, for example, that demonstrate that participating in the fandom helps those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a link to the FurScience page about that. If it helps people with autism, think of what it does for people who are not neurodivergent. Not to criticize, but you kind of made a mistake when you told your mother to go do her own research. What you should do, Sakura, is YOUR own research and then share it with your mom. Please share this email with her, and if she has ANY questions, feel free to tell her she can write to Papabear. Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Recently, my parents have been fighting a lot and saying they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me, and I'm also thinking of ending it all. What should I do? I have no one to talk to and I live with my aunt who's always at work and is neglective. Sincerely, Eli (age 6) Hope to hear from you soon. * * * Dear Eli, Are you really only 6? You write well for someone so young. I am sorry to hear your parents are fighting and making you feel bad. It is very wrong of them to say "they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me." What an AWFUL thing to tell your child!! Horrible! I'm glad you can live with your aunt. I don't know what her job is, but perhaps it seems she "neglects" you simply because she works hard and is tired? At least she took you in. Don't judge her too quickly. None of this is YOUR fault. PLEASE do not blame yourself. How could it be your fault when you're just a child? Repeat after me: "This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is NOT my fault." If you are serious when you say you feel suicidal, please call the hotline at 988. They will help you. There is no charge. If you wish to talk more, you know where to find me. You can email me directly. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
It's been a long time since I last asked you a question, but I hope you're doing well. I'm messaging for some advice because rgis is something that's been on my mind for a good while. I currently live with my mom and it's not really bad, but there are times she can be more of draining to me than my own job. I'm more than happy to help with stuff or grab something she needs, but sometimes when I've just finished a tiring ten hour shift and just got home she'll ask me to go right back out to grab something for her when she's been home all day and could have went out to grab it herself. There are times when she'll ask to use my car for something instead of her own for something. I don't mind since my car is bigger than hers and for groceries it certainly holds more, but there are times it messes with my own work schedule, and when I have no choice but to use her car, she'll leave it with little to no gas at all. But most of the issues I feel I get are from just being around her. There was a day she called me from my room just to see me and say "You're getting fat." It made my day which was relatively nice feel much worse. She says how she wants me to lose weight and worries about my health and right now I'm around the 240's, I'm actively moving about at work and I maintain my weight rather well but all she sees is my belly and just goes back to that. It feels as if everytime we talk her tone makes it that she looks down on me, or at the very least like I'm still a little kid. I sometimes wonder what to do, even my sister suggests I finally move out. I'm sorry for trailing on like this, my question after all of this is do you think it's a good idea for me to try moving out? Kageichi (29) * * * Hi, Kageichi, Please forgive me if I don't recall what we might have talked about in the past. Before I answer your letter in more detail, could you answer a couple of questions? 1) Why, at 29 with a full-time job, do you still live with your mother? 2) What are the conditions for your living at your mom's house? (e.g., i.e., do you pay rent or have some other agreement for your continuing to live there?) Thanks for your replies. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello There First of all, it's alright. It has been many years since I last sent a letter to you. As for your questions, I live with my mom because while there are plenty of apartments a part of me feels pretty nervous too, I feel worried I might be unprepared to move out and handle being out on my own. A lot of things over the years just makes me have little confidence in myself. The living condition of living with my mom aren't bad. I help with some bills, and I give my mother 100 bucks a week. She never told me where the 100 dollars go to, but I just thought maybe it was for rent. * * * Okay, one more question if I may: how much $$ do you bring in per month? Also, does your job include any benefits like medical insurance? Oh, and what city and state are you in? * * * I get paid every week and since I work almost 40 hours every week, my pay usually rounds up from 500 to $700 a week after taxes is taken out. My job does include health insurance and 401K which some of my cash goes to. I live in D***, SC. * * * Hi, again, Okay, thanks for the information. So! Basically, you make about $2,400 a month take-home pay. I looked at apartment listings in the D***, SC, area, and you can get a studio or 1-bedroom apartment for anywhere between $800 and $1,500 a month or so. Let's say you find a good deal at $1,000 a month, leaving you with $1,400 a month. Let's further assume your car payment is $200 a month, leaving you with about a $1,200 a month for utilities, gas, food, sundries. That's not a lot in this economy, even in South Carolina (you wouldn't survive in an expensive state like New York or California). You're giving your mom $100 for rent a month (sometimes). You should be kissing and hugging her "Thank you!" for saving you so much money. You should NOT resent her if she asks you to occasionally buy some food or to borrow your car. And if the worst she does is suggest you might need to lose some weight? I would hazard a guess she is genuinely concerned about you staying healthy. Don't take it as a slam (unless she says it in a mean tone to you, but it sounds like some of that is how you are taking her words). If you moved out of the house, you would likely struggle financially unless you found a better-paying job. And, if you lost your job, you'd likely have to move right back in. Instead of complaining about your mom asking for a few things, you should sit down with her and make out a JOINT budget in which you figure out how you can pay your fair share for the room and board she is supplying you. If your biggest complaint is that she sometimes asks you to buy some food after work when you are tired, that can easily be fixed by the two of you planning your grocery list ahead of time and going to the store together to make sure you have everything necessary. Set a rule that, unless it is something vital to purchase right away, she should not ask you to run errands right after work when you're tired. Schedule a time in your week when you run errands for her. You should also be paying her more per month. Compromise between the $400 and the price of an apartment, so, let's say, give her $750 a month. That's a good deal, and you should be grateful for it. If you don't feel like you can afford that (I don't know what other expenses you might have) then compensate by doing more chores around the house (you don't mention if you do any, but just because you work doesn't mean you can't do chores, too). Moving out right now, while doable, is probably not the best choice financially. Your mother sounds like she is not bad to live with at all. If she treats you like a little kid, it might be because you are acting a bit like one by not helping to pay your fair share of the expenses at the house. She might be a little passive-aggressive with her criticism of your belly, so you should talk that out. Perhaps she's directing some frustration over you by saying you're chubby. Sit down with your mom and discuss the following:
You're 29 years old. Time to step up. You don't have to move out (unless you want to), but you do need to show more responsibility and appreciate your mother more for helping you out so much. Whether you stay or go, you need to do the adult thing. Take Care, Papabear Dear Papabear:
My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry. I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality. It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby? Kind Regards, Sera (age 21) * * * Dear Sera, You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/). Some resources you can recommend for them include:
In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best. Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom. Thank you for being a caring sister. Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays. Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'm an artist, and I love to create and draw my fursonas on my computer, usually with the help of free ref sheets, but lately I've realized that my dad has been going on my computer to see what I've been working on, and to make sure I don't have any games or anything bad installed. This would be fine, but I have a feeling that my dad would NOT approve of my being a furry. I've been hiding it for over a year now, because I'm pretty sure if he found out, he would disown me, or at least punish me. I've been pretty good at hiding it, but I'm worried that if he keeps checking my computer like this, he might find my fursonas and get mad. I don't know what to do. If I ask him not to look through my art, might get suspicious, but if I do nothing, he might stumble upon it anyway. Please help. I don't know what to do. Pip the Pesky Bird (age 14) * * * Dear Pip, The problem goes deeper than the art on your computer. This is about trust. Now, your dad has a perfect right to monitor your computer behavior, but he did so by sneaking behind your back to do it. At the same time, you were hiding what you were drawing regarding furry stuff. The first thing you and your dad need to do, therefore, is to rebuild the trust between you. Here is a nice article from the Boys and Girls Club of America on ways to build trust. Basically, what it advocates is open, honest communication. Working on expressing your needs and desires. Both you and your parent need to be able to do this because without trust you are creating a path toward miscommunication, hurt feelings, and a broken relationship. I understand that you are afraid about revealing your furriness, but you are not doing anything bad such as drawing porn. Your father likely does not have an accurate mental image of furries, especially these days with all those ridiculous falsehoods about cat litter boxes in schools. Your job is to communicate to him why you enjoy drawing furries and what furry means to you. At the same time, tell him you want everything out in the open and he is free to monitor what you do on the phone and computer. You also want him to ask you any questions and to feel free that you can ask HIM questions about anything. Assume your dad already knows what you are doing. Apologize that you have been a bit secretive about it, but tell him why you have. He will not disown you. And punishing you would be stupid. I mean, has he ever forbidden you to draw furry stuff? If he forbade you to do something and you did it anyway, he might justify a punishment, but if he never said don't do it, he has no grounds to punish you. Most parents fear their kids doing furry stuff because they are ignorant of what furry is and believe what the idiotic media tells them. On the other paw, once parents understand that furry is no worse than, say, playing World of Warcraft, most parents are okay with it. The key is to alleviate your dad's fears. Being secretive is a red flag that you know you are doing something wrong (even if you aren't), and your dad isn't stupid. He picks up on stuff like that. So, once again, the key is to be honest. And honesty goes both ways. Remember, your dad loves you and wants to protect you. If he didn't, he wouldn't care what you did on the computer. Talk to Dad. Good Luck, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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