Dear Papabear,
How have you been? Merry Christmas! I come to you with a question about an incident which has shocked me quite a lot. As you are probably already aware, this year's MFF convention suffered what many consider to be a 'terrorist attack'. Someone unleashed chlorine gas which caused the evacuation of the hotel, disrupted the convention and sent 19 people to hospital. Now, I am perfectly aware that the fandom is not lacking in haters. I have even stopped trying to explain what the fandom is when asked, due to the fact that most people are already influenced by third parties to think that all furries are perverts and whatnot. The only answer I give nowadays is “If you are not part of the fandom, you won't understand. So do not bother.” I, for one, am perplexed with my own reaction to non-Furries. A few years ago, I would love to explain the fandom to others. About a furry's fondness of anthropomorphic animals, cartoons, art, and others. But every time I go online nowadays I find myself intoxicated with hate messages. Messages saying that all furries suffer from autism, or have mental disabilities, or are zoophiles. And that makes me feel like a freak. Just because I love the fandom and I love to be a Furry. In the end, these repetitive incidents made me a bitter Furry. I antagonize non-Furry people with ease as soon as I am asked about the Furry Fandom, for I immediately think 'Potential hater right here!' And now, the attack on MFF only increased my bitterness, especially because I keep seeing people post comments such as “The guy who did this deserves a medal!” or “You only hospitalized 19? Try harder!” Only one thought flows through my mind. Revenge. If we are being attacked, should we not fight back? I do not mean that we should respond with violence (although I really want to), but should we not find some sort of deterrent to prevent possible future attacks? The best defense is a good offense, yes? I need your help to figure out how to change my attitude to non-Furry people. How can I go back to being optimistic about non-Furry people instead of despising them due to generalizations and misconceptions? Thank you, and once again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Kind Regards, Armand DeCrow * * * Dear Armand, Many furries know about the incident at the Hyatt Regency in Rosemont, Illinois, but for those who don’t, please read the post on the Midwest Fur Fest site here: http://furfest.org/index.php. I think this is a good letter to end 2014 with because we can talk about some serious stuff here. Let me begin by saying that we should never assume guilt on anyone’s part without knowing the facts, and the facts of this case (who did it) have yet to be revealed. The person who set off that primitive chlorine device could have been a mundane or another furry. Some furries, you know, can be butt-munchers. It might have been a furry being pissed off at other furries and doing something very stupid and harmful while in a drunk and stupid state of mind. So, before you go out seeking revenge—violent or otherwise—don’t go off half-cocked. Even if the perp is some nasty mundane person, violence and revenge are never the answer. Once you start down that path, the result is an endless cycle of hurting, revenge, more hurting. It’s easy to provide examples of this, such as what has been going on in the Middle East for generations and the continued racial tensions in this country. Only a few great men, such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, have advocated the real solution to the violence cycle, and that is organized mass nonviolent protest. Imagine, if you would, if people finally got fed up with the Koch Brothers, Congress, the Waltons, the Rothschilds, etc., turned off their TVs and all together refused to work, buy gasoline, go to Walmart, attend sporting events and movies, and just sat down and said, “We’re not going to be your wage slaves anymore. You must fix this broken government and stop giving every advantage to the 1% or this country will collapse under the united weight of the people.” What are they going to do? Bring in the National Guard? And do what? Start beating and shooting people who are just sitting around? Throw us in prison? Confine us in football stadiums like they did in New Orleans? Even though the powerful elite have the police and army on their side, less than 1% of the population of this country constitutes “law enforcement” and the military. We are the 99% and if we would wake up we could create a sea change. Similarly, if you are upset with mundanes, violence is not the answer. Education can go a long way. For example, I am starting work on The Furry Book, which I intend to be a guide to the fandom for furries and nonfurries alike. I understand there’s another furry out there doing the same thing, which is fine. The more books the merrier :-) Even so, and even if such books help make people understand us more, there will always be some prejudice and misunderstanding. That said, I must say this as well: compared to, oh, say, 400 years of slavery and another century and more of injustice that the black community has endured in this country, we certainly have nothing to complain about. Not to lightly dismiss the people injured, but a chlorine gas bomb and some people calling us furverts or retards or social rejects in no way compares to the incredible injustices perpetrated against minorities in this country. From African Americans, American Indians, Hispanics and Asians to women, the poor, and the LGBT community, U.S. history is a study in injustice slathered in a thick, sugary frosting of haughty self-righteousness and blind patriotism. Even so, incredibly, this is still one of the best countries to live in because we have, in many ways, improved over the centuries (although recently we’re seeing our progress take a step backward). The stability of this nation depends upon the wisdom of the Constitution, which must be vigorously defended. Our salvation rests on the hope that the populace will not remain apathetic to what is happening and that we will—hopefully soon—rise up against the current problems facing our nation, the most important of which is the division between a small, tyrannical, self-entitled, wealthy elite and the majority of our citizens. The purpose of my digression here is to give you some perspective. The troubles of the furry fandom are minor, at best. By and large, acceptance of furries is growing. We have conventions all over the U.S. and the world, and mundanes are starting to see some economic advantages to this—and we all know that money talks. If you walk into a diner wearing a fursuit, you might hear some giggles, but the manager isn’t going to tell you he won’t serve you food, and there are no signs on bathroom doors or water fountains saying “no furries.” I’m a bit puzzled, admittedly, by your apparent experience with hatred from the mundanes. I don’t know where you are going on the Internet to get such reactions, but I have not had such a negative experience myself. My experience has ranged from fascination and acceptance to, at worst, puzzlement, amusement, and indifference. No active hatred. I might suggest you take a look at the sources of this ire and develop a new strategy for how you interact with people on the Internet. In closing, I disagree with your statement that the best defense is a strong offense, if you mean that the offense is designed to hurt other people. If, on the other hand, you mean a strong offense of education, love, and patience, I would concur. As we close the book on 2014, let’s try to take a lesson from its pages. There is enough hatred in this world that we do not need to add to it. When we let other people’s actions harden are hearts and souls, when we allow them to make us fearful, bitter, or angry, then we have already lost the battle. My wish to you and all my friends out there, furry and not, is that you find a way to fill your hearts with love. On the surface, that might sound naive and simplistic, but, actually, it is the most hard-won strategy of them all. A wise man once said, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Over 2,000 years later, most of us still need to learn that lesson. Love you all. Happy New Year! Papabear
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Dear Readers,
In a recent letter a site visitor added a comment saying they received help from a person calling himself the Prophet Suleman. This person says he provides help for those with relationship problems. Having never heard of the Prophet Suleman before, I decided to check it out. There was no website for this person, but the comment writer had provided an email address, so I wrote Suleman. Here is our conversation.... Papabear: Hi, someone suggested you as a resource for advice, so I wanted to write and find out more about who you are and if you have a website for more information. Suleman: Hello you are welcome to my temple you have nothing to worry about as you have come to the right place to get the help you desire what I want you to do for me now is to tell me the situation of things with you relationship. Papabear: Thanks. I'm fine. I'm actually an advice columnist. I am writing to you to see if you are a legitimate resource because someone wrote to me about you. I still don't see a website or anything else with information about you. If all you have is an email address, I cannot recommend my readers talk to you. Suleman: Do you need my help? Papabear: Would you answer my question? Suleman: I dont have at now once you see the work of my spells then you will know how powerful my temple is so you have to come up with you information so that I can help you out ok. Papabear: Are your spells free? Suleman: Yes they are free, but the only thing you have to do is to buy the items needed for the spells ok. And there you have it, dear readers. You have been warned. The Prophet Suleman is trying to sell you potions and snake oil. I would advise anyone to stay well away from him. Unless someone is a licensed professional, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or professional counselor or social worker, please don't give money to people like this, and certainly don't give them your credit card or other private financial information. Remember, I do not charge for this column or my advice, and a big reason why is that I am not licensed as a professional therapist. Remember, too, that you are under no obligation to follow any of my advice at any time. I am just a furry trying to help. Papabear I don't usually post stuff like this, but I felt this particular email I received from a friend was very relevant to what I do here at Ask Papabear.
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules: The set of rules: 1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you. 2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account. 3. You may only spend it. 4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day. 5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one. What would you personally do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right? ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ... Shocked??? YES! Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE* . We just can't seem to see it. The PRIZE is *TIME* 1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life. 2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. 3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost. 4. Yesterday is forever gone. 5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING... SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds? Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think. So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life! Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”.... When a Father Puts His Own Son in the Hospital for Being Gay It Is One Sign of a Society Gone Wrong7/27/2014 Hello Papa Bear,
I'm new to the furry community, so I haven't met any other furries yet. I would like to ask you if you got any advice for me [about] what I should do about my family. The problem is I've told my dad that his only son is gay, so we had a short, violent discussion about it. Well, it ended with me in the hospital for a few days and he left the county (he is British so he went back a year ago). I've tried to talk to him this time. I´ve visited him in the UK just a week ago, but it ended just like the same (me a few days in the hospital again), but what hurts me the most was him saying, "You are no longer my son," so I went back to Germany. The rest of my family doesn't even know that I'm gay, and my dad told me don’t to talk to anyone in my family about it. I am afraid of telling someone else about it because their reactions could be similar to my dad’s. I´ve lost most of my friends during my apprenticeship and so my family is the only thing I´ve got left. So, please, would you give me advice on what I can do about it? I´ve started my technician school and after that I´ll try to emigrate to the USA to start a new life with persons who accept me as I am, but what should I do at the moment? Sorry for bothering you with my problems. Lucian the Wolf (age 21) * * * Hi, Lucian, I am traveling at the moment [this was written a few days ago], but will be home soon and will respond to your letter in a day or so. And you are not bothering me with your problems. That’s what I’m here for! Just wanted to say right away, though, that if I were you I would avoid physical contact with my father. Anyone who puts you in the hospital twice and disavows your being his son is someone to stay away from. Secondly, don't listen to your father. If you feel that there is someone in your family that would accept the truth, then tell them. If not, then don't. More soon. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Papabear * * * Sorry for contacting you on this email address but I haven't told you the full story of what has happened after the first time I tried to talk to my dad (it has been my biggest secret I've kept; only 2 persons know something about it.) And I really think I have to get rid of it (it's been the darkest chapter of my life so far) so I struggled if I should tell you or not, but now I think it could be necessary to tell you. I don't fear anymore to let anyone know it. This is the missing part of my story I would like to tell you. After my parents got divorced, my mom was heavily depressed, started drinking a lot, and finally they´ve sent her to the psychologist (my dad already moved into a new flat in a nearby town) and he told me he would move back to the UK. So I decided to tell him about my secret of being gay because I thought it would be my last chance to tell him. (Well, you know how the discussion ended.) But the physical pain was nothing against what he said before I passed out (he smashed my head against the wall); he told me I have to, in his words, "keep your fu--ing mouth closed to everyone about your abnormal-against-nature behavior," and if I don’t stop my selfish behavior I would just ruin the life of my mother and the whole family. At last he told me that it would be better for me not to have feelings at all if I couldn't keep them (I just told him I've already been in love with someone from my school, but I knew he was straight, so I just tried to spend some time with him as a good friend). I can´t remember anything after this (just woke up in the central hospital). I've been thinking a lot about what he said and my only question was, "Why did he stop if I'm the only causing problems?" So I made a decision (thought it was the only thing I could do to help myself and my family that moment because I don’t want to cause them any trouble). I still was an apprentice in the chemistry and veterinary research agency in OWL [Pbear note: I believe OWL to be the Ostwestfallen-Lippe Hochschule, a state university in Germany], so I've gotten access to all the equipment I needed. I thought the world would be a better place without me, so I decided to kill myself. I thought it would be easy to do so, but I didn’t want to leave a mess behind me, so I thought I'll leave the world the same way as an animal who needs to be prepared for examination. I knew I could use any sedative, but it should work fine without. I went to work late, so nobody would be around there and I injected myself with potassium chloride (causes cardiac arrest). I never felt such a physical pain before; it’s like your whole body is burning (your blood felt like it's been exchanged for acid). I couldn't finish the injection, and my body dropped instantly on the ground. However, the impact alerted another lab worker from the ground floor (I passed out at this time, but they reanimated me in the lab and two more times during the trip to the hospital.) The person who found and saved me in the first place was a friend of mine (let’s call her Elly) who shouldn't have been working that evening at all. She visited me in the hospital (the only person who's been there at all) and asked me just the simple question "WHY?" So I told her what’s wrong with me and why I’ve done this. (At this time my mom was still with the psychiatrist to learn how to deal with her depression and my dad had left Germany). Elly told my boss it was an accident (not a failed suicide ) so I wouldn't lose my job (I don't know if they believed her or not, but I´m still working there so it’s fine for me.) But the doctor at the hospital knows everything so he could do his job without any trouble. Elly still keeps an eye on me to make sure I’m fine. I still suffer from the adverse effects of this injection, but I can handle it right now. I am sorry to let you read all this without a reason. I just want to say thank you for being there to give some advice where it’s needed most. And I would like to say thank you to the Radio Network Furcast; without you I would maybe never have recognized that someone like Papa Bear does exist. If you got any advice for me about what I should do to keep on or what I should better change please let me know. And sorry for any spelling mistakes or weird sentence structure. Thank you again, Your Lucian the Wolf * * * Dear Lucian, Thank you for sharing that with me. I won't post this on my website unless you okay it. I do think that people can benefit from reading about other people's experiences, but I won't repost this if you ask me not to. [Lucian ok’d it; see below.] I'm not sure what Radio Network Furcast is, but I guess they mentioned me, and that turned out to be a good thing. As you might know if you've read some of my columns, I attempted suicide myself when I was about your age. I first attempted cutting my wrist, which was, in a way, kind of fascinating because when the blood pools you realize that it really IS a tissue. I maybe bled a half pint or so but didn't cut deep enough and when it stopped bleeding I couldn't continue. Later, I overdosed on sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital, out of my mind for several days. Had some psychotherapy, but it didn't help much. My reasons for doing this were mostly fear of life and being extremely lonely. Your reasons are different: you fear the judgment of your father and family. When it comes to that, I can state what you must already realize: When you allow other people to dictate your life, it brings misery and, often, worse. Thank God you have Elly for a friend! You are who you are. If you are a round peg, you are not going to fit into a square hole. When society and family try to shove you into that square hole, it causes great pain. You are not an evil or bad person because you are gay. You know who IS a bad person? The "father" who slammed your head against a wall. THAT is a bad person. But you know what? Your father is also a victim of society, a society that feels that people can only be one way and, when they do not fit a definition of the right way, it is okay to use violence against them. To me, SOCIETY is the thing that is sick and twisted and causes suffering, pain, and death to people, like you, who are actually good, caring people. My solution has been this: I give society a big middle finger. I have no respect for the social mores of a world that advocates violence on a colossal scale. That murders people by the millions for petty things like money, territory, and the insistence on forcing religious ideas on others. People think that they are bad because society tells them they are bad. "Acceptable" and "proper" society is made up of a majority of the people who either subscribe to the dominant philosophy of the time or are too afraid to oppose it and pretend to accept it. These are the same people who once believed the earth was flat, the sun orbited the earth, and the world was 6,000 years old. In America, they are also the people who believe this nation is a Christian nation (completely wrong, as the US was founded by free thinkers who deliberately wrote a constitution excluding religion from government while advocating religious freedom for all). My favorite passage in American literature comes from Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Huck was raised in a society that believed blacks were inferior and should be slaves, but he becomes a friend to the slave Jim. This causes a great moral crisis in Huck because he's supposed to turn Jim in for escaping; he even believes he will go to Hell for not doing so because he would be partner in a crime. So Huck starts writing a letter to his aunt to tell her where Jim is so he can be captured, but he can't do it. He throws out the letter, declaring, "All right! I'll go to Hell!" Was Huck wrong? NO! He was beautifully correct because he rejected society's incorrect beliefs and rose above them to declare what he felt was right for him. (Mark Twain was a great man who was ahead of his time.) So must you. Your father is wrong to do what he did. Society is wrong to condemn you. Religions are wrong for saying you're evil. Your family is wrong if they feel the same way. Hatred is wrong, and it is always wrong. Hurting other people is wrong. Violence is wrong. Always. Rise above the hatred. Be a loving person, the person you are, and you will find peace in your heart and your soul. I feel very close to you right now, even though I am only typing on a keyboard, so I will sign off.... Love, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear Thank you for your fast answer you gave me a lot to think about again and I'll try to assume as many as I can. I'm fine with sharing my experiences and it’s ok for me if you post it. I'm still afraid of what happened between my dad and me (he wasn't a violent person and never harmed me before but all changed in such a sudden.) I fear the day when it could happen to me (I never want to hurt anyone but everything I've done seems to lead to the opposite). So my final question for the moment is: Should I hide my feelings for the next 4 years until I can afford to leave the country? Thanks for everything. Love, Lucian the Wolf * * * Dear Lucian, I know how you feel. When I discovered I was gay, I was married at the time. I tried to hide it (for four years, as it turns out), but after a while I just couldn't do it anymore and confessed to my wife I was gay. It was very painful for both of us, and I still feel very guilty and also angry at myself for causing her pain that she didn't deserve. But it is important that you not live in the past.... But, again, we are who we are. Eventually, we have to be who we are. If we internalize this for too long, it eats at our souls and we die inside. Sometimes, as I've advised writers to this column occasionally in the past, it is wise not to come out right away. The best example is when you are a minor who is financially dependent on your family and that family is completely homophobic and unsupportive. Sadly, in such a case, it is best for the person to keep it a secret until they can get out and support themselves. (The streets of America are filled with young people who made the mistake of coming out to parents who were anti-gay and then finding themselves homeless). I can't make that decision for you. Obviously, your father didn't handle it well at all; your mother, given her psychological state at this time, probably wouldn't be a good person to come out to, either. I'm not sure if there is anyone else in your family who might be supportive. It would be good for you to find someone--family or friends--whom you could lean on for support at this difficult time. Maybe, with luck and time, your father will come around and realize how wrong he is, and your mother will get better and be able to understand who you are. If coming out is going to cause you harm (financial, physical, or otherwise) then I would advise you stay in the closet until such a time that you can be free. It is not selfish to not wish to get beaten up, yelled at, or rejected. You have to do what is right for your well-being at the time. Not the best situation, but the goal here is to be able to establish your independence, knowing that you will not remain in the closet forever. I believe you will, one day, find someone to love who loves you back and loves you for who you are. That should be your goal. If it has to be delayed for the moment, that's okay, as long as it isn't put off forever. Hugs, Papabear * * * Thanks again you really helped me its great to have someone to ask for advice. I think I've taken enough of your time for now. Keep up the great job the world need more person like you. Yours faithfully, Lucian the Wolf * * * Hon, whenever you wish to talk, I am here. Please do not hesitate to write again if you wish to. Papabear/Grubbs/Kevin (goodness, I have multiple personalities!) Oh, I forgot to ask: did it occur to you to press charges of assault against your father? He committed a crime, after all. * * * I didn't do anything about it. I know I should but he is still a part of my family (if he wishes or not) and I've been afraid what kind of effect it will have to the rest of my family, questions could be asked I'm not willing to answer. And I think after all I still would feel guilty to be a son who sent his own dad to prison. But honestly I don't really know what I’m feeling about it; it is just such a mess I feel ... I really don’t know how can I explain my feelings. I’m just sorry it’s difficult at last? Sorry but I’m not sure if this part is off topic or something. Besides leaving my mom on her own with such a problem like me He also left the country without any information where he went to. So my mom has to pay for the credit they've had from the bank on her own (they've had a joint back account.) So he took the car (not paid yet 23.000€) and, of course, my mom (lost her job because of the psychological problems) couldn’t afford the monthly payment. So they've put me in charge because the laws says I'm living in a common household with my mother (the reason why I couldn't study (chemical engineering fee 18.000€). So I have to do my technician (no fee) first, which is another 4 years of study, but all the money I've saved was gone. I've paid the credit off last month so it'll be fine from now on. I've found out where he lived just a few months ago. The bill was nearly paid, so I didn't mention it at all (didn't want another reason to argue with him). I lied to mum and told her he paid me half of the money back, and I feel guilty because I lied again to her, but I didn't want her to worry about me at all. Sorry I'm still adding things I shouldn't. Sorry again. Lucian the Wolf * * * Lucian, Please don't apologize, you poor man. You are a good son to your mother. You are a good man, a much more decent man than your father. Yes, you lied, but I’ve never been one of those people who believe there are no exceptions to always telling the truth. Sometimes, in fact, there are times when you should lie. The general rule for when to go ahead and lie is when telling the truth will cause more pain and suffering than good. You chose wisely. Try not to feel guilty. Stop apologizing for being a good person. Write me again whenever you feel the need. Bless you. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear, I'm sorry for contacting you again but I've been thinking a lot about the conflict I had with my dad. There is one thing I still struggle with to understand. I'm not a physically weak person; I'm taller than him and heavier. I know at least something about self-defense. I know I still haven't got any chance to win against him (he's an ex SAS soldier). But I didn't even try to defend myself. It's been obvious after he pulled his arm back that he's going to hit me, but I didn't even raise my arms to defend myself and I don't know why. Every normal person would have done at least something (I only closed my eyes). And the second conflict was just the same, and on this time I really knew what he was going to do with me, and I just can't understand what's wrong with me. We've had self-defense in school and I was really good at it (OK, it was a bit uncomfortable for me to hurt someone on purpose but I could do it.) I just don't know what's wrong with me (it should be the normal thing to at least avoid getting beaten or defending yourself.) Hope you can help me another time to understand what's wrong with me and what I can do about it. And sorry again; you must be tired to answer all my silly questions. Your Lucian the Wolf * * * Hi, Lucian, 1. Please stop saying "sorry." You don't need to apologize. 2. Your questions are anything but silly. They are quite serious. Based on what you've told me, I would surmise the following. The first time you had the confrontation with your father, you were completely surprised by his physical violence because, as you stated earlier, he had never hit you before. So, you didn't fight back because you were shocked. The second time, though, I believe you didn't fight back because you considered yourself a bad person by that point because of what your father had said. You deliberately went to your father knowing he would hit you because, subconsciously, you wished to be punished for being, you believed, a bad person because you're gay. What's wrong with you is that you keep defining yourself by the standards of a twisted society that believes in violence instead of love and kindness. What's deviant about you is that you are a good person who doesn't wish to hurt people in a society that thrives on backstabbing and killing and profiteering. I celebrate your deviance. You, sir, are an evolved person, an enlightened spirit. You are better, much much better, than your father. The world needs people like you. You are a rarity. I wish I could clone you. Be of good cheer. You are a saint among sinners. Hugs, Papabear Dearest Papabear,
[You CAN post this on your site!! Your advice really did help and made a change in my life, I feel that everyone has to know now!!] I wrote you a letter last year, and I do hope that you remember me! I was the wolf fur that talked to you about being in an unofficial relationship with a ladies' man, and how it was affecting me. I think I told you that my mate's pseudonim was Lion and how he was interested in a girl named Foxy at first but then finally chose over me. I also told you that Lion changed, but I wasn't so sure about taking the relationship to another level because of his player past. I also told you that he had mentioned marriage and taking the relationship to another level and that he had changed completely in the end, but I also told you that I didn't trust him a 100% due to his past. You told me that I should give him a chance, yet with caution. Well, here's an update, because your advice changed my view about many things, and I feel like it helped me completely! After our emails, I decided just to let go and focus on other things. After a while, he kept doing what he did. I just let everything go and I just prayed that things would actually improve. He was slowly changing for the better, yet he didn't make the move into making the relationship official. After a few months, I decided to have a serious conversation with him, telling him that if he didn't make the relationship official soon, I would end everything, because I was tired of waiting. He cried, yet begged me for forgiveness, and he said that he had a surprise for me soon. I noticed that his behavior changed completely to the somewhat-distant Lion to the warm, loving and caring Lion. Then, suddenly, he surprised me in my birthday! We are official now since December 10th, 2013! Which was of course the best present ever! He has changed DRASTICALLY, he hasn't returned to his player and ladies' man ways of the past, and we're saving up for marriage. He has stopped and cut short all communication with all the girls that he used to talk to, and he has really stopped his wandering ways. He has regained my trust, yet I always do keep an eye on him just in case. But he has really improved and he has proved to me in many ways that he does love me and that he has changed. He respects me completely [in all aspects of the word] and has shown that he wants to take things seriously now. I feel that we are going to be a long-term relationship and I couldn't be happier. He is the most caring, loving and gentleman Lion I could ever ask for. I just wanted you to let you know that everything is splendid now, and I want you to know that you really did help me. I am more than eternally grateful for your time, kind words and help. Keep doing what you're best at--helping us little furs with our big problems! Thanks Papabear! Love, Nameria <3 * * * Hi, Nameria, Thank you so much for taking the time to write me about your life and how you are doing! I am so happy that I was able to help and that your life is taking a turn for the better. I wish you much love, kindness, and happiness in the future with your Lion. (And if he does stray again, let me know and the bear will come and kick lion butt -- LOL, just kidding) Hugs, Papabear Papabear has been a fan of the show "Family Guy" since it began, although some episodes go too over the top for my taste. Some of you may watch the show and know that the character of Brian the dog got killed a couple episodes back. He was run over by a car. A lot of people were upset by this, and I was a little pissed, too, but I thought, "Hey, that was a bold move, so let's see where Seth MacFarlane, the show's creator, is going with this."
Turns out he just took advantage of the fact that, after all, this is a cartoon, and had Stewie fix his time machine and rescue Brian. Today, Seth MacFarlane, the show's creator, announced that he did the episode around Chrismastime to teach us a lesson to "Never take those you love for granted, for they can be gone in a flash." (see http://comicbook.com/blog/2013/12/15/family-guy-seth-macfarlane-reveals-he-killed-brian-griffin-to-teach-fans-a-lesson/) While this is true, I have to say I take some issue with Mr. MacFarlane's methods. First of all, in the episode where Brian is killed, you might think that he would do something like this: show the car coming, cut away to Stewie's reaction, then cut back to the scene where Brian lies dying on the street. But noooo, MacFarlane actually slows down the show and you get to see every bone-crushing, tissue-squeezing, blood-spurting frame of a beloved character getting the life squashed out of him. Absolutely disgusting and the very definition of "gratuitous." Yes, it's just a cartoon, but it's still shocking. Then we go through two episodes of seeing the family in serious emotional pain, especially Stewie, a little child of one (even though he is a genius). Then we are introduced to a new character, another dog who can talk, but with an Italian mafioso accent, and the dog appears in the opening credits. But no, it's just a stunt. Brian is brought back to life, and we are left with the patronizing message from MacFarlane that we should sit cross-legged on the floor, innocent eyes wide, while the teacher explains to us the hard facts of life. Well, Mr. MacFarlane, you might not realize this, but I watch your show for a little escapist animated fun, not to be "treated" to a snuff film. If I want to watch drama, I'll click over to "CSI" or "Law & Order." Secondly, your show is geared to adults who have been through just as much, if not more, than you have. How dare you think that you are wiser than everyone else watching your show and assume we don't know how painful and cruel life can be? How dare you say, in effect, that we take our loved ones for granted and therefore need to be taught a lesson through a cartoon? Finally, if you're going to use "Family Guy" as a podium to spout your diatribes to the public, then at least come up with something less cliched than "don't take your loved ones for granted." Am I overreacting? Yes, probably, because, again, it's just a cartoon, not real life. I suppose MacFarlane might have seen a reason to write this based on the fact that he lost his mother to cancer in 2010, and perhaps he felt he took her for granted and that the lesson he learned should be conveyed to others. But there is a time and a place for everything, and a cartoon that is supposed to make you laugh and be frivolous fun is not the place for a message like this one. You see, what Mr. MacFarlane might not realize is that there are some very emotionally vulnerable people out there, and some of them watch his shows. MacFarlane noted, "Oh and hey… thanks for caring so much about the canine Griffin. He is overcome with gratitude.” Perhaps he doesn't realize how emotionally manipulative his little stunt was. I've had some people write to Papabear in the past who take their fictional characters very seriously, and some get very upset when writers "kill" them. Some people out there can, indeed, be mentally unstable, and killing someone dear to them could be very painful. Here is one example: http://yilb.com/14-year-old-boy-commits-suicide-over-anime-character. Television and movies are very powerful. And, as Spiderman said (since we're talking fiction), "with great power comes great responsibility." I suppose another reason I am upset is that I take my readers extremely seriously. I would never make light of someone else's emotional pain, and it offends me that someone like MacFarlane has treated such a serious subject with such utter contempt for the emotions and intelligence of his audience. Dear Furries,
Last week I posted this letter about the idea of some furries forming a community. While I have serious doubts of the practicality of furries creating a functioning, economically independent community, Papabear does still maintain that furries do form at least an ersatz community, one very loosely organized, but still a community. One furry posted a response, however, that I find quite disturbing, especially since I have been hoping to form an organization of furries. I am posting the letter here. This furry--well, not even sure if this is from a furry—has a very negative opinion of furries. My concern is this: how prevalent is this opinion? Do YOU feel this way? Do a lot of furries feel this way? If so, then any efforts toward creating the AFA would be utterly futile. Do you feel like you're part of a community or not? Please post your opinions following this letter. Thank you. *** I can't believe that NO ONE MENTIONED that being a furry is simply a matter of self-declaration and how this complete lack of control over who gets to be a furry -- a precedent set from the fandom's infancy -- would throw a whole pile of monkey wrenches into any plans for a "furry community". Furry fandom indiscriminately imports personalities with diametrically opposed and incompatible values, ethics, outlooks, and attitudes. Included in the mix are sociopaths with serious character defects, but you can't kick them out because the fandom is a nerd herd and therefore overcompensates societal rejection with all-encompassing unconditional inclusivity. Furry is based off an infatuation with anthropomorphic animals. That shared value is superficial. As such, one is, unfortunately, NOT necessarily more likely to find "kindred spirits" within the fandom as without it. People are wildly different. Anthros mean different things to them. Think about Na'vi, Otherkin, Therians, plushies, rule 34, fursuiters, murrsuiters, gigglefairy sparkledogs, My Little Pony, foxes and wolves, videogamers, centaurs, Nazi furs, weres, haunted attraction furs, adult babyfurs, (oh hell, I'm not itemizing all the sub-fetishes that can go in conjunction with furry), Sonic fans, TMNT, (oh hell, insert a list of all the cartoon shows' and werewolf movies' fanbases, yada yada), daddy furs, civilized noble savage furs, con-goers, trans-humanists, Christian, (oh fuck, tack on a list of all the religions too -- including atheism), gay, bi, straight, asexual (LGBTQIAlphabet soup), lulz troll furries, imageboard furries and MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE -- including those aspects of furry that do not wish to be defined or sub-categorized and remain stubbornly nebulously uncodified. None of which even begins to describe all the FAR MORE IMPORTANT DEEPER MERITS AND FLAWS to consider in selecting fellow tribes-people in a proposed budding "furry" community that these people's individual moral compasses or lack thereof (regardless of whatever combination of sub-sub-sub-subcultures they ascribe to) could have carried them off to. So to sit these people down, who in truth have little in common and little interest in each other, and say, "Okay, here's a system of rules we need to play by to function as a community", misses the point by a factor of 9,000. Furry isn't a community. There may be communities within furry, but furry is not and cannot be a community as a whole. Communities start with shared values, ideals, and even aesthetics (the images and interactions with reality people want to associate with). If you want to start a community with those aspects of the fandom that are even remotely-possibly capable of it, starting with the love of animal people is a POOR CHOICE. Intentional communities crave balanced and stable ethos, pathos, and logos that justifies the investment of faith, hard work, and sacrifice that goes into creating and maintaining them. That goes far beyond the childish things of a protracted childhood that furry is mostly comprised of. Furries don't even really have an identity as evidenced by the multitudinous different responses by asking any one of them, "What is a furry?" So how do you propose to make a community out of a people that aren't even a tribe, or profoundly disinterested in such by their simple natures, if you will? * * * Papabear posted: Your argument seems to be that we can't have a furry community because we are too diverse. By that same logic, the United States should not exist because we have people of too many races, religions, political beliefs, etc. I believe that any group of people can come together if they find a unifying cause. * * * The writer returned, saying: That's the point. Communities have unifying causes and codes. The U.S. is a superpower nation with solemn oaths and duties, a legal system, and constitution, so the comparison to furry fandom, which has none of those things (and lacks untold more in such a comparison), is laughable and invalid. I'm shocked you would dare compare the two. I'm not talking about making the fandom into a nation. I'm talking about how the anti-structure of the fandom, through the malfeasance of enforced amorality, prevents it from forming so much as a simple single functioning HOUSE -- though blind people still treat it as such (much to their own detriment). The fandom IS highly entropic. No one can MAKE a TANGIBLE community (Internet community doesn't count) out of the fandom (or anything else outside of junk merchandise to hawk). As you all have already agreed upon the prior sentence in an earlier reply to another. I'm saying the REASONS for that intangibility are: as soon as anyone says, "Furry is THIS." or "It's NOT THAT." in the attempt to create the causes for forming a standard to create structure for the impetus of a real community, they are instantaneously WRONG and abruptly called out on their bullshit because NO ONE gets that kind of authority to say what is and isn't allowed to be a part of furry fandom. Furry fandom IS different from other fandoms because people within it do treat it like a community and welfare network. The problem is, they don't exercise any standards or structure, and are quite opposed to the idea, which attracts exploitative personalities like flies to a corpse. Not to mention the fandom is, consequently, not exactly conducive to life aspirations; absent of the hallmark of value of a true community. If this fandom is supposed to run like a community, as many of its motley crew of undisciplined, directionless, and many times, amoral members intend, its current state would be best likened unto a poorly run frat house. At best. As for inclusivity: we're all excited to meet new peoples and new ways of doing things. The ironic hypocrisy is that different cultures came about through having different standards that made them interesting and unique. The negative value of indiscriminate inclusivity is that it destroys the standards of judgement of what to include and not include in a culture that makes it unique. Bring everyone in under One Big Tent(tm), regardless of what they can do, under a unifying cause, and more often than not, you may be unintentionally describing a con game. Keep it real. You can have either indiscriminate quantity or discriminating quality (or both, if you employ shrewd Machiavellian techniques and divide them into layers and use one as a readily disposable shield to protect the more valuable other). Discrimination is not always evil: only when it's prejudiced is discrimination wrong. When you're at the supermarket determining which produce is green, ripe, and rotten, you're engaging in a form of discrimination. Tribe-selecting can, honestly, be analogous to selecting produce based on prospects' values, attitudes, and life choices. When selecting members of a community, it's important to discriminate APPROPRIATELY for its survival and ability to thrive. I'm sure that to spend so much time wasting so many words describing a fandom about anthropomorphism will be seen as stupid by those not pressed against the fandom's glass ceiling dividing fantasy from reality. That's because the (un)imaginative minds of the lowest common denominator goes nowhere else but straight to raping targets incapable of consent as soon as the idea of real world anthro community is mentioned and are quick to either break out the torches or start humping -- or both. If people are SERIOUS about creating a furry community, the reason it is neigh impossible is due to the shallow parameters they've set for what being a furry means, and the lowest common denominators -- neither fit to lead or follow nor walk hand in hand -- that inhabit the fandom as result. Construction is not impossible under the strictest definition, but remember that communities are held together by the glue of ideology. Be prepared to invest tons of psychic energy within the internal worlds of yourself and your members to bail out and rise above the muck and set up a defensive perimeter around whatever little corner of this surprisingly very malevolent swamp you're intending to haunt. Thanks, in no small part, to the non-definition of furry, IT'S NOT JUST THE "NON-FURRIES" YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT. [Papabear notes: This is the first time I have done this, but a recent comment on one of the letters in this column was so well-thought-out and well-written, and it touches on such an important subject for furries, that I am making it today's feature letter.]
Dear PapaBear I'm silently following your site since, I believe a couple years, and even considered writing to you once on my behalf and once on one of my friend's, thought, never got to it in the end. Although, I always find your stance and well thought answers to be heart warming and enlightening. Today, I hope you won't be too bothered by the fact that I'm not entirely agreeing with your own point of view, even if the subject doesn't directly concern me, I did asked myself those questions before, and would like to share my own thoughts. First, I want to point that I'm in fact not at all into babyfurs and that the arts falling in this category totally irks me. I never really thought deeply about the right or wrong of this subject before a big pro-con babyfur/cubporn bloodwar exploded on one very well known site of our community. And as the great separation took place and raged everywhere around me, I actually took the time to read and think about a lot of arguments between the protagonists. In the end, and to save time, I do believe our community is stigmatizing a minority within a minority. If you take a step back, Yes, child abuse IS extremely wrong. I'm all against child abuse, and I do believe it should be severely punished, but here, we're talking about either art depicting those, or people pretending it to happen during their sexual intercourses or role play, when it really involve two consenting adults. If we assume this shouldn't be depicted, written or talked about, then the same should go with rape, murder, gore and stuff like that. As horrible as child abuse can be, I don't feel like being raped in a dark cave, then having one's throat slit open and left to die in a dark alley is excusable as well in real life. This is not a less horrible situation, and yet, it is one which our community seems to sit with much better. None of those appeal to me, but to compare to a subject I know a bit better, I am myself turned on by hypnosis and mind control. Both the playful and more aggressive and dark one. Most people wouldn't blink an eye at my fantasies, but if we go back to real life, how twisted can it become, to have someone sensory deprived, conditioned and reinforced until he/she's just a mindless slave ? Suddenly, my fantasy isn't that fun anymore. Now, I see in the end of your answer, and just like many others, you explain how child abuse is horrible in real life, and really, it is. But, unless mistaken, I believe we where talking about the imaginary part of this, be it playful, or indeed, quite naughty. To me, in this debate, almost each time it appears anywhere, we're entirely missing the point, and are associating each person getting turned on by this with a real life pedophile. Which would make any people getting off on gore a real time murderer, every feral fan a real time zoophile, and so on. It would make me a real life criminal as well. The way I see things, we don't chose what arouses us, and depending on too many factors for us to even keep track or realize, we end up with the qualities and quirks and well, kinks we have. To me, the real question, the heart of the problem is how responsible we are. Keeping our fantasies separate from the real life, you can't punish someone for being aroused by animals, rape, murder, violence, blood, sickness or children, as disgusted as you can be at the idea. But we, humans or fur in heart are not creature entirely made of black or white. What matters for real is being able to keep ourselves in check. Judging or banning those only fantasizing about it, well, that will not prevent some of those having this interest to one day commit the irreparable, because yes, that will happen, just like some fantasizing about rape or murder will one day act on those. Or some having the same interest as me ending up using alcohol or drugs to rip a non existing consent to a weakened victim. And that's what matters in the end. I actually believe being able to talk about it and share might even give some of the weaker ones the steam off needed to never fall that low. Some form of catharsis if you see what I mean. Anyway, this was a terribly long response, and I apologize for taking the time to comment here only to state a different opinion, but this is a subject I got plenty of time and occasion to think about and I felt it was relevant to be shared. thanks for those managing to read all of this, and my sincere salutations to you, papa bear! Howard * * * My Dear Howard, Thank you so much for your letter. First of all, it reinforces my policy that welcomes dissent on this website. People who write in countering something I’ve said provoke lively and thoughtful debate, which is useful for everyone concerned, including readers of this column and yours truly. Let’s just start by saying that, even if you might not think so, I agree with everything you have said in your letter. I think you might have misunderstood me somewhat—or, perhaps, I didn’t make myself clear—thinking that I believe babyfurs are all mentally troubled somehow. I did note that, for the most part, babyfurs enjoy the innocence of depictions of very young furs in art, and I could also understand how some adults would find wearing diapers a kind of psychologically and emotionally comforting practice. Then I also noted, however, that some people who are into this do have a serious problem that can only be called pedophilia and that pedophilia is wrong—to which you agreed. In your argument, you say that there are furries (and people in general) who find depictions of young children having sex with each other or being sexually molested by adults to be cathartic, releasing their own desires so that they do not commit these acts in real life. I think the jury is still out on that one. In my opinion, that can go one of two ways: either the way you say, in which it calms the person with such desires; or, just the opposite, it feeds their lust and they begin to become dissatisfied with just watching these things online and want it in real life. We have to be very careful here, as the human mind is an unpredictable thing. Furthermore, you note that if X-rated babyfur art should be considered bad, then so should depictions of rape, murder, etc. I agree, mostly. These are all the same kind of pornography. People find such images stimulating or cathartic for various psychological and emotional reasons too lengthy to go into great detail here because each case is different. Briefly, though, some people might get off on violent scenes because they have anger issues, but sometimes it might be for the same reason that people enjoy horror films—the adrenaline rush combined with the knowledge that one is safe and sound. As for fantasies of being raped or hypnotized or being made a slave, these fantasies have to do with control issues. Specifically, people who are stressed and burdened with the chores and responsibilities of everyday life fantasize about giving up all control, including body and mind, to someone else. This can, in fact, be quite therapeutic. But what we are getting into here is a very core issue that is extremely relevant in our digital and virtual reality modern life: how do we separate fantasy from reality? Or, even, should we separate them? One should avoid the potential trap here of the reductio ad absurdum that the oh-so-ridiculous Pat Robertson committed when he recently asserted that videogamers who shoot and kill characters in a game are literally guilty of murder (see http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/08/07/pat-robertson-murder-committed-in-video-games-is-no-different-than-real-life-murder/). That’s just imbecilic. Similarly, furries who fantasize about acts that would be considered sex crimes if they were committed in real life are not actually guilty of a crime. Papabear has participated in things in role play and such that I would never, ever do in real life. (And, as I noted in the original letter, the law says that artistic depictions of such acts—in other words, not showing real people—is not a crime). It all comes down to who the person is tapping away at the keyboard and gripping the mouse. Are they emotionally and psychologically stable, or are they a bit off-kilter, vulnerable to the stimulations they see on the computer screen? As you said, “To me, the real question, the heart of the problem is how responsible we are.” Well put. This is something we all need to be aware of. The people who should be responsible are not only the ones viewing the art but also the ones creating it. I’m not saying we should ban or censor babyfur art (I am completely against censoring the arts), but we should be cognizant of the potential effects of what we do, just as with everything else in life. We do not operate in isolation. Everything we do has the potential to affect other people in either positive or negative ways. We should all keep that in mind. Perhaps that is the main lesson here for all my readers. Thanks again, Howard! Papabear Dear Readers,
I told you furs that Papabear wasn't perfect, and yesterday's response to a letter is an example. But I will certainly admit when I am wrong and revise my opinion! As an explanation, not an excuse, I will just say that I had a knee-jerk response because it reminded me of a disturbing chapter in my own life, although that was not a matter of consensual incest. Yesterday's writer talked about a consensual sexual relationship with his aunt. I pointed out merely that it was, technically, illegal (in all states except Michigan and Rhode Island) and he should knock it off. I later pointed out in a response to another reader, Critter (thanks, buddy!), that such a relationship would likely wreak havoc within the furry's family and possibly lead to other problems, also noting that the relationship was likely inspired by lusty hormones and the opportunity of having access to a woman living alone in her home. That all aside, Critter noted that just because something is illegal doesn't make it wrong (citing the Civil Rights movement against racist laws and practices), also adding that just because some people think it's "creepy" doesn't mean it's bad. Agreed on both counts. Next, my mate, Yogi, chimed in, saying, "Don't assume that because she's his aunt that they are blood relations. She might be an aunt by marriage. She also might not be that much older than the writer." I bow to his sage insights. So, let's sum up. Is he doing something wrong? Is the aunt doing something wrong? Well, the writer is 19 years old, so he is of legal age. The aunt, too, obviously. Technically, what they are doing is illegal in Washington state, but cases of incest are very rarely prosecuted, even between much closer relations such as a man and his sister. Could their relationship damage the family? No doubts there, unless the family is incredibly open-minded, but maybe that doesn't matter if they are so absolutely in love they don't mind some anger from family members. I am concerned, though, about how much of this relationship is love and how much is simply lust. Critter and I both agree a little cooling off period might be wise so that they can both consider their motives for having sex with each other. But, if they decide after a little break that they want to continue with their relationship, as my mate said, "Meh! What do I care?" That really should be up to them, and Papabear apologizes for letting his personal emotions on the subject get in the way of offering objective advice on this particular matter. Returning to the writer's original question: "When is it normal? Is it common?" My answer would be that it is not very common, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. Is it normal? Oh, geez, after writing answers to over 400 letters in the past year-plus, I can honestly say there is no such thing as "normal." There is such a thing as "socially acceptable," but normal? No, just no. And when in doubt, I can always rely on the wisest advice I know from Wicca: If you are not hurting anyone, do what you will. The writer doesn't care, in the end, whether it is "right" or "wrong." He just wants to be with his aunt. It makes him happy and her, too, evidently. For now, at least, perhaps that is enough. Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm wondering what, in your opinion, is in store for the future of furries as it is going right now. Will there be less hate and more members or the other way around? Parts of the world seem to be going in a direction that may benefit us and others not so much. Staemwulf * * * Hi, Staemwulf, An interesting question. I don’t think anyfur really knows, but I can offer my speculations about the future of the fandom based on what has been happening over the last years. To gain perspective on where we are going, it might be good to understand first where we have been. I’ve always felt this was a pretty good summary of furry history: http://www.furrydolphin.net/2009_files/furry-history.html. As you can see from that article, derpiness and nasty arguments in the fandom are not something that is exactly new. Whenever you have more than one person involved in anything, you are going to have disagreements. In the fandom, it has been stuff like “Who is a real furry and who isn’t?” As you can see from the above, one of those issues was the whole furry “lifestyler” issue. Today, it is things like “Are Bronies furries?” and the stupid “popufur” nonsense. Such arguments will always be with us, and likely will increase as the fandom grows. That growth in participation is definitely having an effect on the fandom. According to one graph I saw posted on the Furry Fandom Infocenter at http://www.furryfandom.info/conventions.htm attendance at furcons has grown from about 5,000 a year in 1990 to about 25,000 in 2011. This is not only because attendance at existing cons is rising, but also because new cons are opening their doors every year. Some of the more recent ones include The Biggest Little Furcon (Reno), Arizona Furcon (Scottsdale), Indyfurcon, Fur the ‘More (Baltimore), and Unthrocon (Salt Lake City). As the fandom has grown exponentially, so has its diversity. There are more older “greymuzzles” than ever before, both because older people are starting to join in on the fun and because young furs are staying in the fandom long enough to be categorized as greymuzzles. I feel that’s a good thing because it should lend some maturity and experience to the furry gene pool. I think we are also seeing more women join in, and we will see more furries in Europe, Japan, Central and South America, and other parts of the world. Again, the more furries there are, the stronger we can be, but also we will need to be careful about the inevitable increase in arguments between different parts of the fandom, as well as between furries and mundanes. From what I’ve seen in the last 10 years or so, I think that the media is getting a bit better in portraying furries fairly. Also, some furries have been grabbing cameras and shooting documentaries and other informational videos. However, there is still a huge stigma out there. I see it all the time with furries writing to me saying their parents won’t let them be furry because they think we’re all furverts. What is needed now—and I know I’ve mentioned this before in my column—is a way to communicate better, both between furries in the fandom and between furries and the outside world. This is a big reason for the creation of the American Furry Association (www.americanfurryassociation.org). Right now, there is a TON of furry stuff on the Web and elsewhere. Sometimes it is hard to find and people are not aware of the many resources at their disposal, so the AFA will help organize that information and get it out to people, furries and mundanes alike. The more we talk and communicate, the better informed we will be and the better able to dispel misinformation and mitigate unnecessary conflicts. No one can accurately predict where the fandom is going, other than to say it looks like we will continue to grow for some time to come. Hopefully, we can do this without too many growing pains. Hopefully, too, stereotypes and false information about the fandom will decrease as we become harder and harder for mundanes to avoid and deny simply because we will be everywhere :-) Hugs, Papabear |
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