Okie, why do Christians hate gay furry people? They have always been hating them, but they claim that they do "love" them. (Especially where I live. If you are gay, don't expect to be treated like a human, just hide it for your safety). My parents found out I was gay by guessing (they are good at it). Now they see me walk feminine, they make me walk again till they see I "walk like a man." They call me names ("sissy," it's annoying), and they just stress me a lot. Can you please help me?
Possible Snow (age 13, Alabama)
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Dear Possible Snow,
Christians do not hate gay or furry people. True Christians who follow the teachings of Jesus Christ follow His command to love ALL humankind. There are dozens and dozens of passages in the Bible that tell us to love one another. For example, in John 15:12, Jesus says, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you." Jesus doesn't say to love only fellow Christians or only straight people or white people or to hate gay people. Therefore, those who say they are Christians and then say they hate you for being gay (or for anything) are not true Christians. They are a sadly common breed of fake Christians that have overwhelmed the Church in America and around the world.
Fake Christians get around the Word of God by saying things like: "Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner." This is just a convenient way of trying to get around what God (according to their own religion!) says so that they can pretend to love you but, in truth, they look down at you with contempt. I experienced a horrific example of this two years ago when I got married to Michael. We invited his only sister--a classic fake Christian--to join us at the ceremony. But she told us she preferred to go to her minister's retirement party than to be there for her only sibling. The reason, obviously, is that we are gay and the marriage makes her uncomfortable. Now, when I confronted her on this, she protested, saying, "But I LOVE you Kevin!" I call bullshit. Actions speak louder than words. She hurt me and Michael deeply because she is a bad sister and a bad Christian. Oh, the pièce de résistance was when she surprised me at the front door around Christmas time to hand me a Christmas card with a $20 Starbucks card in it. Good Lord! Oh, yeah, $20! That makes it ALL better!
Pardon my digression, but I think you see my point. You're asking the wrong question. Your question should be this: "How do I convert my parents from being fake Christians to being loving parents who are good Christians?" This is where the Bible comes in. Know your Bible. Read it. Find all the passages in which Jesus commands us to love others. If you need help, see whether you can find a minister who is not a homophobe (this might take some research, but they are out there). Also, I have a link on my website for Rainbow Ark, a resource for gay furry Christians. Check it out.
Good parents love their children unconditionally. Apparently, you need to teach them how to be good parents. This is hard to do living in a state like Alabama, which is the heart of Homophobe Country, but if you talk to them in a way they understand by using the Bible, there is a chance they might listen.
I have a question... So as I've been growing up I have always liked animals and yeah I would make my first fur suit at the age of 4! (Plastic and cardboard materials) as when I was 10 I discovered the furry fandom but I was to afraid to tell my parents... After a while I went to Amazon to buy myself some paws but ofc I needed my mother's and fathers permission to buy it (with my money) my mother when I told her she looked at me awkward and she said, "Well, if you want it buy it is your money and is your liking" somehow I found a way to take it bad and the whole night I thought that I was just weird- the next day I told my father he said, "Well... I think it's a little pricy." I didn't get a straight answer so now I'm thinking if I should tell them. But I don't know how or is just that I don't have the courage too so I found this website a day after that and now I'm here typing! So I would love some tips.
Clover (age 11)
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That is so neat that you built your own fursuit when you were 4! You and I have something in common: we were both furry before we even heard of the furry fandom. This means that we always loved imaginative play about being an anthropomorphic animal of some kind. With me, it had to do with my love of The Jungle Book. Was there some show or movie or book that made you interested in furries?
The point I want to make here is this: being a furry and being active in the furry fandom are two different things. You do not have to be in the fandom (for example, going to conventions, role-playing online, participating in social media websites) to be a furry. A lot of young people like yourself who are into things like Zootopia and Sonic the Hedgehog or anime cartoons stumble upon the fandom and think to themselves, "Cool! There are people like me who enjoy these things, too! How can I meet them?" But what you may not be aware of is that the fandom was originally created by fans who are quite a bit older than you, and the intent was to take cartoon characters and put them in more adult situations. This does not necessarily mean sex. It could mean stories about violence, prejudice, serious adult relationships, drugs, and so on, but it sometimes DOES mean sex and pornography.
Your parents are correct to be careful. You're their daughter and they want you to be safe. Good parents! Also, if they go online at all and type in "furry fandom" or something similar, they are going to see furporn. And then they might ban you from any ambitions of being in the fandom.
Deep breath! I have been to several conventions and seen children your age or younger, sometimes in partial fursuits, with their parents having a blast. I have gone to panels and workshops to which parents were invited and heard their questions and concerns. All of this is valid and important.
The key here is communication. Openness. Tell your parents honestly how you enjoy furry characters. This is not at all a bizarre thing. Many people (even adults) enjoy animated cartoons and movies. But tell them also of your interest in the fandom and ask for their help. They should always have free access to what you do on your computer and on your phone. Ask them to learn about the fandom. Ask them if they will go to a furcon with you (they may even have a good time!) or a furmeet. Never hide anything that you are doing. Ask them to teach you (if you don't already know) how to avoid trolls and dangerous people online (this is useful information whether or not you are a furry because the internet is full of scummy people).
And do me a favor, Clover. Show them this email. And tell them to send me an email if they have any questions. I'd be happy to answer them. If they like, I will send you my phone number and they can call me.
There is absolutely nothing wrong about being a furry. It exercises your imagination, which is something we need more of in this world of machines and cubicle jobs and people who can't seem to think outside the box. Imagination and creativity are beneficial to our emotional and mental health. Whether you are a furry or an artist or a musician or an architectural designer, these are things that help enrich our lives. So, I hope you will continue to talk to your parents about furries.
Thank you for your letter.
Big Bear Hugs,
So, I'm an aspiring furry and I want to make a head for my fursuit! But, my mom thinks that the furry fandom is sexual and keeps telling me to stop being one because its "GROSS!" and "bad." I keep trying to explain to her that the fandom isn't sexual and that we are actually donating to charities and stuff but she won't listen. What should I do?
Grazer (age 11)
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Both you and your mother are correct. The fandom can be a lot of good, clean fun, and yes, a lot of charity work has been done by furries. But your mother is also correct in that there is a lot of adult art in the fandom, and you need to be careful you don't associate with the wrong crowd. There are a lot of good furries, but there are also some very bad ones. You, being 11, can be an easy target for bad furries. Your mother is trying to protect you, which is not only her right but also her duty as a parent.
That said, your mother needs to not go the easy route of just saying, "No, you can't be a furry." This is what I call "lazy parenting." Also, it is ineffective. When a parent tells a kid, "You can't do that because I said so," the kid just wants to do the forbidden activity all the more and thinks the parent is not listening to them or sympathizing with them. This can create resentment, secretive behavior, and misbehavior on the part of the child.
What Mom needs to do is become more involved in your life. The two of you should explore furry together. First, understand that the furry fandom was created for adults, not children. The entire establishment of the furry fandom was meant to create anthro characters in adult situations (not just sex, but everything from scenes about violence to other mature situations and themes). But since it began, the fandom has evolved, too. It used to be mostly for people in their teens and twenties (and still largely is), but now more and more you see furries who are a lot older (I'm 55, for example) as well as kids as young as 10. The fandom needs to accommodate this changing membership, and in a lot of ways it does. For example, if you go to a furry convention, there will often be an art gallery. Most of the art is clean, but there is some mature art, which is kept in a separate section and only adults are allowed in. Also, minors such as yourself must be accompanied by a parent or guardian at any furcon, and panels and workshops that address adult topics are restricted to mature members.
You should not argue with Mom. Instead, explain why you are interested in furries. Have a discussion with her. Also, tell her you understand her concerns and tell her that she is right to be worried, and also you should thank her for caring! Then, invite her to explore furry with you. Tell her that she can freely monitor what you view on the computer and on your phone to make sure you don't see anything bad. Ask her for her help in navigating the online world. Ask her to watch the movies and TV shows you enjoy with you. Maybe, with enough communication, you can even ask her to take you to a furcon someday.
In short, don't argue with Mom. Communicate with her. Listen to her concerns and ask her to listen to your feelings as well.
So, I showed my grandma a fursuit that I liked online, and said that it was cute, and I'd like to make one someday if I had the money to, because I love to build fursuits. She looked at me really concerned, and said, "Other than being a furry, what do you like to do? Are there any careers you'd like in the future?" I know it sounds harmless, but her tone and concern showed that she didn't like me being a furry at all. She's VERY religious and isn't very open-minded on most subjects. I love her, but I need some help. Do you have any advice?
Checkmate (age 11)
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Yes. Be happy that your nana isn't being crass about your furriness, but respect that she is not entirely comfortable with it. You are more than just a furry, so talk to her about all the other stuff in your life. She is concerned about your future, so talk to her about what you would like to do in your future and what you see yourself doing. Furry isn't everything. You can still share a lot with her about you and your family. Also, ask her about and talk about HER life. Show interest in her. She has been around a lot, so take advantage of her experiences and wisdom. Also, if you can, do things together and make new memories. Your gramma won't be around forever. Enjoy her presence in your life now.
Dear Papa Bear,
How can I convince my mom to let me make a mini partial fursuit? I told my mom I was a furry through text (I have social anxiety so it was too hard to say it aloud) and I told her I really wanted to make a “furry costume”. She wouldn’t let me do it and she said I shouldn’t be looking up furry stuff. I know there is inappropriate stuff but I don’t look at it. She always complains that I’m lazy so she should be happy I want to put effort into something. I wanna explain to her that it’s not inappropriate but I don’t have enough confidence bc of social anxiety. Being able to make my own fursuit would make me the happiest.
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The internet can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to the fandom, it can prejudice parents against letting their kids explore the fandom. This is a shame, because not only is the fandom fun, it can have many benefits as well. Helping people like you who suffer from social anxiety is one of these benefits. If instead of going on the internet to look for furporn your mother searched on "social anxiety and furry fandom" she would find articles and videos about how many young people have treated their anxiety by being furry and enjoying its community. It also helps people suffering from various degrees of autism spectrum disorder.
Here are just a couple articles and videos you can show your mother:
I would also suggest your mother visit the Moms of Furries website at https://mofurries.com/. These two mothers were, like yours, nervous about their kids participating in the fandom, but they gave it a try and found it had a lot of benefits for helping them get out of their shells and socialize in healthy ways.
Being a furry has lots of benefits. Point these out to your mom and tell her she should avoid jumping to conclusions because of furporn. Porn is all over the web, not just furry sites, but that is not what you--indeed, most furries--are about.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
I'm a 16 year old male that lives in Kwa-ZuluNatal, South African, and I found you on FurAffinity. I need your advice on how I can find my fursona. And if you don't mind. How do I tell my family about this?
All the best,
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Since you don't offer much in the way in details in your letter, it is hard to give you specific advice. Each person is different, and that affects everything from fursonas to how you explain this to your parents. So, please take advantage of the categories on my website, browse the letters, and hopefully you will find something helpful. If not, write again and give me some details on your particular situation.
For advice on fursona design, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/fursonas
For advice on "coming out" furry, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/coming%20out%20furry
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Sorry I wasn't clear in my last letter I'll try to do better in this one.
I'm not myself right now and I think the furry community can help me find myself again.I try talking to my mom about this and she is a bit scared because she has never heard about the furry community and I don't blame her.Its just me my mom and sister,I don't have someone to talk to about this. I'm just so confused right now and would like advise on how to go forward from this point.
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Pardon me for responding in generalities, since I don't know all the details about who you are, but I do like the way you phrase the question: How can the furry community help you find yourself again?
The first question coming to my mind, then, is: Did you once know who you were in the past? How did you lose yourself?
It sounds as though you are seeking identity by finding a community to which you can belong; a group of people that accept you as you were apparently once accepted but no longer feel accepted. Reading between the lines makes me wonder whether this is because you have discovered something about yourself that is not socially acceptable, such as something to do with your sexual identity. I only say this because that is a very common problem among people who feel rejected by society, especially when it comes to your teen years when you are discovering your sexual orientation.
But in order to find acceptance anywhere, my furiend, you must first accept yourself. Do you accept yourself and who you are? Probably not, since you say that you have lost yourself. How does one accept oneself?
Once you have achieved self-acceptance and actualization, that is the time to seek out community. Many furries make the mistake of doing the opposite: seeking a community that validates who they are rather than validating themselves first. The problem with doing it that way is that the furry community--like any other community--has some bad people in it who will troll you and attack you and say things like "you're not a real furry," and too many furries take this to heart. They then complain that the furry community has rejected them (it has not, only a few bad eggs have) and the next thing you know they start posting online about how furry drama is rampant and it is all the fault of the furry community.
But the self-actualized furry (or whatever you consider yourself to be) will have the confidence and self-respect to find good people, as I have done, and form their community around them. In other words, you become a seed for a cloud of like-minded, like-spirited people who will then become your personal community.
Another wonderful effect of being self-actualized is that you will no longer have to seek your fursona. IT will find YOU. For example, once I figured out and accepted I was a gay bear, well then! Grubbs Grizzly walked right into my life and wrapped me in his furry body.
As for telling Mom about your interest in furry, the best way to approach mundanes with it is to compare it to other fandoms, such as superhero fandoms or fans of Star Trek or Star Wars. It's not a perfect comparison because you and I know that the furry fandom is unique, but most non-furries won't get that. Therefore, just tell Mom, in terms she can understand, that it is simply imaginative fun similar to dressing up as a superhero or pretending you're Spock on Star Trek, only it is about anthro animals like the ones in Zootopia (use popular movies and don't talk about underground furry art and such; relate to things with which they are familiar).
I hope these tips help you. Thanks for writing.
You may remember me asking about me being limited by my parents. its gotten worse my moms bipolar got a lot worse recently. So I've been wanting to go to a furry con in Birmingham, Alabama: Fangcon. I really want to go to it, but I'm scared to tell my mom or both of my parents. since my mom is bipolar and always thinks of the worse scenarios. So, Papabear, what should I do? I only have 21 days left.
Thanks for listening,
GlaDOS (age 11; almost 12)
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You know, hon, sometimes we don't always get what we want. It sounds to me that your mother is struggling, which also means your father is likely having a hard time dealing with your mom.
Instead of worrying about doing something for yourself and adding potential conflict with your parents, maybe you should try to be there more for them. You're 11 years old now, which makes you old enough to start helping your mom with things around the house. What do you currently do to help out at the house? In addition, you should be doing fun things with your mom and dad when you can (life is not all work, no play). Do you? Doing fun things with your parents is a great way to bond, and as you bond, you can reveal more of yourself to them, including your interest in being a furry.
The issue about your furriness is a matter of communication with your parents, and communication is best done between people who are familiar with and close to each other. Before spazzing out and pushing your parents to go to a furcon (take a pass on this Fangcon) right away, get to know your parents and let them get to know you better, too.
My wife found out about my interests in the furry lifestyle. She doesn't believe that it is normal or okay. I am struggling to live my life genuinely but I do not want to lose my family. I cannot bear the judgement Margie unleashes upon me. How do I balance being a Furry Loving Family man? I am afraid my children Gilbert and Marge will abandon my heart the way their mother has if they find out. Also I have alopecia. And the furry community is the only thing that has made me feel loved and normal. More than my own family has. How do I live freely when my heart is chained between my work suit and my fursuit?
FoxyGrandpaMalcom (age 43, French Polynesia)
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Dear Foxy Grandpa Malcolm,
I am unfamiliar with life in French Polynesia, but I'm going to guess it is rather a conservative place? Also, I imagine it can be quite isolating, being a conglomeration of over 100 islands. Is there even much of a furry community anywhere around there? Much of your furry activity is likely limited to online activity, n'est-ce pas? Nevertheless, you have connected with the fandom community, and I'm glad to hear you have found acceptance with us.
How this affects your family depends considerably on whether you are a deep-seated lifestyler, a casual hobbyist, or somewhere in between. Obviously, if you insist on wearing your fursuit around the home and assume your fursona personality a lot, it is going to impact what your family sees and what they think about you. On the other side of the coin, if you just casually surf the Internet, play some games and chat with furries, and keep fursuiting activities (if any) limited to furmeets or furcons (if you attend such), it really shouldn't impact them at all.
Based on your extremely short missive, it sounds like you lean toward the lifestyler side, however. As a family man in his 40s, yeah, that's going to affect things. You do not with to deny who you are, but you surely don't want to lose your family. First of all, if your family somehow abandons you just because you're a furry, then, well, they aren't much of a family, sorry to say. But let's try to be a bit more sympathetic to them and view things through the eyes of mundanes who struggle to understand why someone would want to be a furry.
My main advice to you is to be considerate of your family's emotions. Don't spring everything on them at once, but slowly ease them into the idea so that they have time to become comfortable with it. Do things little by little. If you like to fursuit, start by doing it rarely and maybe (if you have them) with furiends of yours at a meet or something. Don't fill the house with furry art and plushies and such. Just add things in tiny drops, little by little. When you feel they are comfortable with one thing, then add another. You see?
In summary, it is important to be yourself, but in order to integrate that into your family life you need to be considerate and sympathetic of their feelings as well.
Hey Papa Bear!
So lately, I’ve been feeling pretty down. I do not know how to tell my friends I am a furry.
I want them to know, especially because I really really like one of them. I think about them every night. Like kind of sexually, but I am unsure. I want her so bad. But she may think it is weird I’m a furry.
I can’t get her out of my head. I want her to love me back. I want to take our relationship to the next level, but I want it to happen in my furry suit. I don’t think they will like that. Please help.
Sky the Emo Wolf
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Telling someone you're a furry is truly an excellent way to find out if they are really a friend and/or potential mate material. I understand your nervousness, but usually, there is no reason to fear! I remember years ago being nervous to tell my late husband, Jim, that I was a furry. Our relationship had progressed to the point (still just BFs at the time) that I wanted to tell him. Guess what? He thought it was cool and fun, and after that he went to several furcons with me and had a great time. Then there was a time my ex found out online I was Papabear and had the column. She was totally cool with it and thought the column was well done.
So, after those experiences, I was a lot less shy about telling people I'm a furry. So far, no one has judged me badly about it, but I can see where some might. If anyone doesn't want to be my friend just because I occasionally don a bear fursuit (and if educating them a bit about the fandom doesn't change their mind) then I don't think I really want to be friends with them anyway.
The same goes for you. If you tell this girl you're a furry and she hates you for it, or makes fun of you, or just doesn't want to be your friend, then you're better off without her in your life, to be perfectly frank. You don't want a person like that as a girlfriend. If you are at a point in a relationship when you feel you can open up to a friend (or potential girlfriend) about your furry side, then just do it. Be honest, be open, be willing to answer any and all questions. After that is done, you will find out if they are true friends who care about you and like who you are.
In a nutshell, is my brother right about me liking something wrong?
From 2012 to 2014, I dabbled in the Brony scene after being influenced to see the first few seasons of "Friendship is Magic". Since then, I've regretted it a little based on the fact that it's still at its core a toy franchise for little girls, and forming a fandom really still isn't socially acceptable for a mix of both valid concerns and unfounded fears. When I spent the holidays with my younger brother, and I just happened to joke ironically, in a clearly unfavorable light, about the fandom, he upstaged me with the question "Why do you talk about it so much?" Then he went on with "I don't know why anyone older than 12 would like that show. I think it's a case of psychological infantilism," and "Twenty years from now, they'll wonder what they were doing with their lives". I almost had a heart attack because I could have been among the objects of his scorn. If I watched MLP: FiM again and reentered the fandom, the fujoshis (look it up), Rule 34 artists, bad costuming, those Bronies who use feminism/civil rights/the LGBT cause as analogies to their fandom, and the obsessive crossing over of things that have nothing to do with Hasbro's property, WOULD NOT help my case. And my uncles and grandmother would have a field day putting down someone interested in something simultaneously child-oriented and effeminate. Worse, I still feel a soft spot for, plus attraction to, the main characters whenever I find images of them. My best defense argument for my personal enjoyment of it would be “I also like my share of mindless fun, just like millions of other people.”
Addendum: It's just stupid entertainment, but I’d have to pursue it secretively to save my hide socially.
Joaquin the Boar (age 25)
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When it comes to questions such as yours, I always fall back on the Wiccan Rede: “An it harm none, do what ye will.” (If you aren’t hurting anyone, do whatever you like.) There is nothing inherently wrong in your liking My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Lots of young men do. Who are you harming by doing so? The only people who are doing any harming around you are your brother and, possibly, other family members by making you feel bad about liking something that is just a television show.
Why do people do such things? Because they allow themselves to be told what to do and what to believe by society. Thus, they are told that MLP is not “manly” and, therefore, you, as a male, shouldn’t like it. When you do like such things, it threatens their comfortable worldview of how people should behave, which then inspires fear and anxiety, which then leads to anger and hate. That is, sadly, how most human minds work.
What is cool about Furries and Bronies is that they dare to enjoy something (gasp!) that isn’t a social norm. That is a very brave thing to do. But whenever people like you or me do that, the first thing that often (not always) happens is hate, and the second thing that happens is ostracism or dire predictions that the world will come to an end if we allow such things to continue. A great example of this is gay marriage in America. Conservatives and religious rightists issued Hellfire and brimstone warnings that if gay people were allowed to marry it would, literally, be the end of America and possibly the world. Well, we’re still waiting and nothing bad has happened.
Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by small minds. People like your brother are the ones that hold society back, keep it from progressing.
It’s a sorry state of affairs that you feel like you have to hide being a Brony, but I understand. You still have to function in society and within your family, so if you feel that is something you must do, then okay.
But do not feel like you are doing something wrong or immoral. You aren’t. It is the people who are criticizing you who are the damaged ones. You’re fine.
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