​Hi, Papabear: 

I have a few friends at school and on FurAffinity. They like me and I like them. School is mildly hard, but my parents help me through it and push. My parents are getting a divorce, but for some reason I have not been affected by this very much. I love them both and they each help me in their own ways.
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But there is one other thing that I struggle with. I always feel as if I have to keep pushing myself, always, and I have to let go of some things that I value such as kindness in order to "man up" for the real world, and if I don't do it right now I will never be completely successful. But if I do keep pushing myself and going through life that is always moderately challenging, I will lose some kindness. Is this normal? And what should I do? Thank you, "high paws."

NickHusky (age 19)
 
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Hi, Nick,
 
You speak in generalities, so I will as well. You are at a critical time in your life that will, indeed, do a lot for molding who you will become as an adult. And you are undergoing the kind of family and social pressures that our society deems fit for a male; that is, you should be “tough,” “man up,” hide your emotions, be strong, etc. etc. In other words, as with almost everyone else in the mundane world, you are being asked to put that mask on and hide who you really are inside. The threat here is that if you don’t do this you will be, as you say, unsuccessful, which means things like have a high-paying job, acquire lots of material possessions, breed, pay taxes, and die quietly without troubling society or rocking the boat.
 
Papabear says, “Poppycock.” The brave man (or woman) isn’t the one who hides emotions but the one who is emotionally honest, who cares about the world and feels compassion for others. Success--real success—in life is not about wealth, fame, or power. These are the things that give mundanes (pardon me for saying this) boners because the majority of people are shallow, self-centered, and materialistic.

And you know what else they are? Unhappy!
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This skewed viewpoint causes people (and you are in danger of this right now) to do things for the wrong reasons. They get college degrees because they want a high-paying job. They select a career because they want to make a lot of money doing it. They even choose a spouse because they are “the right people.”
 
Here’s my challenge to you: go to school because you love learning; get a job because it is something you love to do (if you have a job you love, you will never work a day in your life, as they say, because your job will be fun and fulfilling); choose a mate—whether it is someone similar to you or not—because you see into their heart and fall in love.
 
You love your parents and they are trying to help you. That’s a wonderful thing. Although I don’t know your parents, I suspect they are like most parents: they are scared for you, they don’t want you to be poor, and they want you to be accepted by society. But Papabear can tell you something here: he gets more letters from unhappy people because they are too busy trying to please their parents or someone else instead of themselves. Consequently, they don’t learn who they really are, and so they go through the motions of life without really living.
 
Let you in on a very secret secret, Nick: the truly happy person doesn’t define success by money and material things but, rather, by his or her ability to discover who they truly are as a person and to search for, and even discover, what life is really about for them. Each person must find his or her own path. While I can’t define that path for you because it is a personal journey, I can tell you that if you seek a pot of gold at the end of the journey you will have wasted your life.
 
Your job, Nick, is not to “grow up,” or “man up,” but to discover who you are. I have high hopes for you because I can see you value kindness. Please, I beg you, don’t sacrifice your heart just to be part of the swarms of mundane society. Be a kind person and you will find more happiness than you ever imagined.
 
Thank you for your letter.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Mr. Grizzly,

I had been considering becoming an ESL (English as a second language) teacher for some time, but it wasn't until the last six months I had decided to do it. In order to do this, I will have to get a bachelor's degree in something (it doesn't really matter what), get a TEFL certificate and move to the country I signed up for. There are some countries that don't require a BA, but I'm a bit more skeptical about those places. I have been considering teaching somewhere in east Asia, like China, Japan, or South Korea. I also want to work on a graphic novel in my spare time.

I have been very indecisive about my career choice for a long time, and my family knows this. My mom and my stepdad are supportive of my choice, but my dad and my stepmom aren't that much. Literally right after I brought it up to my dad he asked me "So, have you thought about anything ELSE you'd like to do?" 

When I went to visit them a couple weeks ago, they literally told me to stop going to college and to start going to a technical school, so can get a "real" job, I suppose. Whenever I bring this up to them, they try to change my mind. I've slowly been learning the fact that you can't live up to everyone's expectations, and that it's a waste of time to try. 

How do I put my foot down and tell them that I've made my decision, and that I want to follow my dream?

Sincerely,

Caleb (age 19, Michigan)

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Hi, Caleb,

I’m confused why your parents think TESL is not a “real” job. It’s a very real job, and an excellent one at that. There is high demand for it, and if you’re good at your job you will likely never be unemployed. One suspicion I have is that your parents don’t want you to move out of the country and they would miss you. That’s understandable, but a bit selfish on their part. If I were you, I would pursue the following course: 

1. Pick the country you wish to go to as early as possible. Asia is a good choice, and if I were to advise you, I think China is the way to go. China’s economy is on the rise, there are literally hundreds of millions of potential students there, and you could live there very comfortably on an ESL salary. Also, this page explains what your earnings could be and what expenses are, on average, in China.
2. Although you are correct that you don’t need to be fluent in Mandarin (or whatever) to be an ESL teacher because classes are taught in English (they should do that in America—that is, have, say, a French class in which the teacher only speaks French to her students; they use this strategy in the military and it works very well), it would be an advantage to you to learn the native tongue of whatever country you pick. So, for your B.A., study Chinese and the Chinese culture (substitute “Chinese” with whatever goal nation you pick).
3. So that you don’t have to go to school for four years and then go for another year for TESL, combine your majors into a double and complete your studies in four years total.
4. To hold down costs, you should: A) attend a community college for the first two years, making sure all credits are transferable to a university, and then B) go to a state school, preferably one close to home so you can live at home while you study.
5. Learn everything you can about the culture you plan to live in. The more you can minimize culture shock, they better off you’ll be.
6. Not sure why you want to write a graphic novel, but I would put that notion aside until you have achieved your main dream; then, should you get “free time” later, work on the book. You will find that gaining life experience will greatly benefit your writing, too.

Now, while I would pick China, I did a little research and found an excellent article by an ESL teacher in China in which South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, and China are compared. Overall, this person picks South Korea, but here’s a link to help you pick for yourself. And here is a helpful site on ESL careers in general.

Besides perhaps not wanting their baby to move to Asia, your parents might also be woefully misinformed about what an ESL job is and what it entails. Your job, in order to convince them, is to provide them with information about how great a career choice it actually is. Not only will you make a decent income, you will also gain an incredible amount of life experience that will serve you well for years to come. 

Judging by your parents’ comments (and where you live), I’m guessing they are blue collar workers who have lived all their lives in the Midwest, thus developing a rather colloquial attitude about the world in which factory and farm work are “more real” than academics and culture. You need to get them out of this mindset, but in a way they will understand: and that way is to show them you can make a good income and be a success. This isn’t like you are flitting off to Asia to party and occasionally teach a class; this is a serious career choice. So, gather up your research and make your case.

One last thing I’d suggest is to ease off the “put my foot down” strategy. After all (pretty sure of this) it’s your parents who are likely going to do a lot of the heavy lifting in paying for your higher education. Therefore, approach it like you would a salesman making his pitch to a large company for a long-term investment (you are their investment in the future). Don’t go for the emotion; go for hard facts. Don’t use glitzy, starry-eyed words such as “this is my dream,” but, rather, use words they understand, such as “I can make a salary in China that will allow me to put almost half my income away for savings and investments for the future....”

That should help. Good luck! I’m routing for you!

Papabear