Hey Papabear... er... well first of all, I'm bi, and I have this friend let's call him E one day in a gathering with some friends after he came back from a trip I gave him oral sex ... more than once (I'm trying not to be detailed, I promise) and we've done it a few times more, plus he lets me touch him in a "more-than-a-friend" way and I even tried to tell him that I like him (I had to say it was a joke 'cause he got "scared") now... after this "little" background here's my question:
What can I do? He keeps saying he's straight, I haven't asked him 'cause I feel like I'd be pressuring him, but he keeps looking for girlfriends but when I tease him by grabbing his leg over the jeans and stuff like that he doesn't seem to get angry ... and when he lets me touch him er ... I know that... well ... I guess he likes it since he actually gets hard ... but I dunno ... can you help me? Just one more detail I remembered, he told me that if I ever talked about what happened he would stop being my friend, again, thanks for reading this and for answering (if you do, 'cause I know that work and life can get in one's way when doing other stuff) Yang (age 18, Mexico) * * * Dear Yang, Seems I had a letter a little while ago about a similar situation. A Muslim man in India had feelings for another Muslim man, but they couldn’t express that love because of social and religious stigmas against it (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/a-fear-of-love-among-muslim-men-in-india). I think yours is a parallel situation. E is attracted to you, but he’s scared to death to express those feelings because of a conservative family and living in a conservative culture (correct me if I’m wrong about those two things). Assuming I’m correct, his threat about ending the friendship if you talked about it to others is a threat based on his fears, not because he doesn’t like you. Therefore, what you need to do is allay those fears by earning his trust. You do that by being trustworthy (logical, yes?) If you promise him you will do something, always do it, including little things, such as if you say you are going to meet him somewhere, do so and do it exactly on time. Don’t break promises you make to him, no matter how small. And always be kind with him. This will likely take a lot of patience on your part, but eventually you should earn his trust in this manner. Then have a talk with him, and promise that you will not tell anyone about any sex or other intimate things you do together unless he is okay with it. If you do this correctly, with patience, trust, and love, it should go a long way to creating a tight and beautiful bond between the two of you. Hugs, Papabear
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Hey Papa Bear,
Nice someone gives advices for people who are stuck in their situations. Sorry about my English; it was better some years ago. I was searching the web and was directed to your site. So I thought: Give it a try! ^^ Well here is the situation: There was a girl, I recognized her when I played with my band and it was the first really strange girl I ever talked to (before I was introduced through friends). After a big mistake (I told her too early that I miss her) she stopped the contact immediately. We saw each other since then 2 or 3 times, but it was like before we had a good time with each other. Well, my main problem after all is that I don´t find another girl who is so perfect for me like her. In music and meanings we had the same mind. It was so perfect and she was freaky like me. It is 2 years and a lot of self-anger ago now. But I still can´t forget her. Should I try to find my new love with these feelings in my mind? And hope they disappear after I found a "new" perfect lady? Or should I wait till they are gone away by itself? Because in the meantime I am scared if these feelings never disappear. Or is this a situation with a dead end? I know it´s an awkward question for a 27 year old guy. But losers like me got questions like that. What do you think? Thanks for your help. Yours Sincerely, Jens * * * Hi, Jens, Ihr Englisch ist besser als mein Deutsch ;-) Keine Sorge! (Did I get that right?) What I’m not hearing in this letter is what kind of effort you put into reconnecting with this girl after she apparently freaked out when you told her too soon you missed her (are those her words or yours?) What is too soon? Five minutes would be too soon. A couple days would not be. It’s all subjective, really. Be that as it may, it hardly seems a reason to break off a relationship, unless she has some kind of commitment issue or gets nervous when someone shows signs of affection and caring. Or, perhaps, is using that as an excuse when there is actually something else going on here that she doesn’t like about you. Just going by what is written here, I believe that you are being too hard on yourself. At least half the cause of the break-up was her, so don’t put it all on yourself (calling yourself a loser does not help, and, by the way, is never attractive to a potential mate). Secondly, it doesn’t sound like you have even given this a fair shot at reconciliation (probably because you’re too busy beating yourself up about it). I might sound like a broken record here to some of my regular readers, but you need to sit this girl down and have a face-to-face (don’t you DARE do this by email or text, or I will fly to Germany and kick your buttocks!). Ask her to tell you exactly why she broke up with you; explain your side of it; and then reaffirm to her that you really like her, you think you have a lot in common, and you want to try again. If she agrees, then go for it, and this time, since you know she is fearful of clingy behavior, try to play it a little more cool. Relax, and don’t degrade yourself so much. If she tells you, unconditionally, that she is no longer interested in you, then you will have closure and you will know it is time to find someone else without wondering in the back of your mind what could have been. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've been feeling a little disenfranchised with the Furry Community of late. I have long defended it, stating that the stereotypes aren't the majority. But recently I summoned up some guts to go to a local furmeet and each of the individuals there were so bizarre, so maladjusted, so stereotype-encompassing that I haven't gone back since. But not because they freaked me out, mind you... When I told the story of how I became a furry, it revolved around meeting my spirit animal in person on the bank of a river in Yosemite. Instead of accepting me, they seemed weirded out, saying that they got into it from watching cartoons or comics. I don't make a habit of passing judgment, but they seemed in a hurry to pass it on me. Any advice would be welcome... Thank you. Zucca (age 28) * * * Dear Zucca, What a pretty part of the state you live in. Do you ever visit Morro Bay? But on to your question.... While I, like you, don’t like stereotypes, it is fair to say that the vast majority of furries are younger people—teens and twenties—who got into it through their love of cartoon characters. It might surprise some readers that Papabear does not watch cartoons, unless I catch an old (not new!) Bugs Bunny short, and I love feature films, and I also do not care for anime (I have blasphemed!) That doesn’t make me any less of a furry, however. The modern fandom was actually started by a small group of science fiction fans, not cartoon addicts. The Skiltaire of Prancing Skiltaire fame that was created by Mark Merlino, one of the founders of the modern fandom, is a character who was featured in a series of science fiction stories. Since the emergence of the modern fandom (and I call it that because furry anthro beings date back to ancient times) the definition of furries has been complicated by rampant growth and diversification. This, I only just discovered in the last couple of years, has made it pretty nigh impossible to place furries under one umbrella, as I tried unsuccessfully to do under the failed American Furry Association. The other problem—as I see it—with the current fandom is that it has become very cliquish. I have run into the same thing you have in my attempts to socialize at the Prancing Skiltaire and Lake Murray Furry Anthro Outings. People tend to form their own little social groups and it is pretty impossible to join one that has already formed. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with the cliques. It’s actually a good thing that these young furries, who have typically been ostracized by other parts of society—school, family—have found a home of like-minded people in the fandom. They form smaller, tight-knit groups because that falls into their comfort zones, and many of them create strong friendships. Super! But I don’t go to PS parties any more for the same reason that younger furs do go, and I only go to LMFAO (great acronym) when I have the time and know some of my San Diego friends are attending. At 28, you are already nearing what many would call the “greymuzzle” stage (or, as those who are insulted by the insinuation of old age, elderfur). You are becoming—or are already—mature, and you have also found deeper meaning about your animal connection than many younger furs, who often seem to see it as some kind of fashion statement or expression of rebellion. For me, the solution has been to give up trying to “recapture my youth” by connecting to young furs and, instead, connecting to people more like myself and, also, connecting to people on an individual basis who share my interests. For instance, I formed the Greymuzzle group on Facebook, which has grown to 700 happy older furry members. I also have a growing group of bear furry friends, who also tend to be older furs. You need to do the same. Seek out furries who, like you, are into the spiritual aspect of our complex fandom. Some places you can start include:
If you are interested in totems, I found this informative site http://discoveryourenergy.blogspot.com/ where you can search for your particular animal. Anyway, to sum up this long-winded reply to your letter (I tend to get verbose when I get an interesting question to answer), you can still hang out with furries in the fandom, but you need to seek out those who are more like yourself. I can save you a lot of time (I wasted years) trying to connect to younger furs into cartoons and videogames by telling you that you are, indeed, wasting your time. Let them have their own world, which is fine for them, and find people (like me) who are more connected to the spiritual aspect of the fandom. Hope that helps! Papabear |
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