Hey Papabear... er... well first of all, I'm bi, and I have this friend let's call him E one day in a gathering with some friends after he came back from a trip I gave him oral sex ... more than once (I'm trying not to be detailed, I promise) and we've done it a few times more, plus he lets me touch him in a "more-than-a-friend" way and I even tried to tell him that I like him (I had to say it was a joke 'cause he got "scared") now... after this "little" background here's my question:
What can I do? He keeps saying he's straight, I haven't asked him 'cause I feel like I'd be pressuring him, but he keeps looking for girlfriends but when I tease him by grabbing his leg over the jeans and stuff like that he doesn't seem to get angry ... and when he lets me touch him er ... I know that... well ... I guess he likes it since he actually gets hard ... but I dunno ... can you help me?
Just one more detail I remembered, he told me that if I ever talked about what happened he would stop being my friend, again, thanks for reading this and for answering (if you do, 'cause I know that work and life can get in one's way when doing other stuff)
Yang (age 18, Mexico)
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Seems I had a letter a little while ago about a similar situation. A Muslim man in India had feelings for another Muslim man, but they couldn’t express that love because of social and religious stigmas against it (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/a-fear-of-love-among-muslim-men-in-india). I think yours is a parallel situation. E is attracted to you, but he’s scared to death to express those feelings because of a conservative family and living in a conservative culture (correct me if I’m wrong about those two things).
Assuming I’m correct, his threat about ending the friendship if you talked about it to others is a threat based on his fears, not because he doesn’t like you. Therefore, what you need to do is allay those fears by earning his trust. You do that by being trustworthy (logical, yes?) If you promise him you will do something, always do it, including little things, such as if you say you are going to meet him somewhere, do so and do it exactly on time. Don’t break promises you make to him, no matter how small. And always be kind with him.
This will likely take a lot of patience on your part, but eventually you should earn his trust in this manner. Then have a talk with him, and promise that you will not tell anyone about any sex or other intimate things you do together unless he is okay with it. If you do this correctly, with patience, trust, and love, it should go a long way to creating a tight and beautiful bond between the two of you.
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