He Needs to Try Again before Giving Up on This Relationship

Hey Papa Bear,

Nice someone gives advices for people who are stuck in their situations. Sorry about my English; it was better some years ago. I was searching the web and was directed to your site. So I thought: Give it a try! ^^ Well here is the situation: There was a girl, I recognized her when I played with my band and it was the first really strange girl I ever talked to (before I was introduced through friends). After a big mistake (I told her too early that I miss her) she stopped the contact immediately. We saw each other since then 2 or 3 times, but it was like before we had a good time with each other. Well, my main problem after all is that I don´t find another girl who is so perfect for me like her. In music and meanings we had the same mind. It was so perfect and she was freaky like me. It is 2 years and a lot of self-anger ago now. But I still can´t forget her.

Should I try to find my new love with these feelings in my mind? And hope they disappear after I found a "new" perfect lady? Or should I wait till they are gone away by itself? Because in the meantime I am scared if these feelings never disappear. Or is this a situation with a dead end? I know it´s an awkward question for a 27 year old guy. But losers like me got questions like that. What do you think? Thanks for your help.

Yours Sincerely,

Jens

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Hi, Jens,

Ihr Englisch ist besser als mein Deutsch ;-) Keine Sorge! (Did I get that right?)

What I’m not hearing in this letter is what kind of effort you put into reconnecting with this girl after she apparently freaked out when you told her too soon you missed her (are those her words or yours?) What is too soon? Five minutes would be too soon. A couple days would not be. It’s all subjective, really. Be that as it may, it hardly seems a reason to break off a relationship, unless she has some kind of commitment issue or gets nervous when someone shows signs of affection and caring. Or, perhaps, is using that as an excuse when there is actually something else going on here that she doesn’t like about you.

Just going by what is written here, I believe that you are being too hard on yourself. At least half the cause of the break-up was her, so don’t put it all on yourself (calling yourself a loser does not help, and, by the way, is never attractive to a potential mate). Secondly, it doesn’t sound like you have even given this a fair shot at reconciliation (probably because you’re too busy beating yourself up about it).

I might sound like a broken record here to some of my regular readers, but you need to sit this girl down and have a face-to-face (don’t you DARE do this by email or text, or I will fly to Germany and kick your buttocks!). Ask her to tell you exactly why she broke up with you; explain your side of it; and then reaffirm to her that you really like her, you think you have a lot in common, and you want to try again.

If she agrees, then go for it, and this time, since you know she is fearful of clingy behavior, try to play it a little more cool. Relax, and don’t degrade yourself so much. If she tells you, unconditionally, that she is no longer interested in you, then you will have closure and you will know it is time to find someone else without wondering in the back of your mind what could have been.

Good luck!

Papabear