Dear Papabear,
I have recently found myself in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years, as I have moved to attend college in another country. Sometime before we started dating, I had been dating a girl for 2 months and felt very strongly sexually attracted towards women. I had a massive crush on another girl in my classes throughout high school,too. Now that I've moved away from my boyfriend for college, I have become more aware of my sexual attraction for girls. To be honest, the thought of sleeping with any other guy besides my boyfriend turns me off immediately, but I find myself staring at certain parts of my new female friends at college with alarming frequency. I occasionally watch lesbian porn, and fantasize about me touching and rubbing other girls. I do love and care very deeply for my partner and very much enjoy our time together. I enjoy sex with him as well as the emotional side of the relationship. I have no desire to break up with my boyfriend. That being said, I feel as though I want to explore this deep-rooted attraction to girls without compromising the great relationship I've got going on. I'm really not keen on the idea of “opening up” the relationship, for a variety of health issues and because I wouldn't feel comfortable being touched by anyone aside from my partner, who has always expressed sadness at the idea of anyone else interacting with me sexually besides him. What's a girl to do, Papabear? The Big Bad Wolf (age 19) * * * Dear Big Bad Wolf, Are you familiar with the expression “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”? That’s essentially what is going on here. You love your boyfriend and enjoy sex with him, yet you want to have sex with women, too. Yet, you state you aren’t “keen” on having an open relationship, and your boyfriend has also expressed that he doesn’t want you having sex with anyone but him. I suspect that you are writing me because you’re hoping I can offer you a creative solution to have your boyfriend and explore sex with women, as well. But I’m not going to do that. Hon, you have a boyfriend whom you love and with whom you have a satisfying sexual relationship. Do you know how many letters Papabear gets from people praying every day that they were in your shoes? Why would you give up something like that for a meaningless fling with some girls you don’t even care about? I understand that sexual urges are powerful, but take a moment to think this through. One of the myths about bisexuals is that they are incapable of having a monogamous relationship because nobody can have monogamy with two genders at the same time. That’s really poppycock. Bisexuals can be monogamous, just like anyone else. Let’s take a moment to imagine this scenario: you decide that you want to fool around with some women at your college that you’ve met, or, perhaps, you went online and found someone. You have sex, you have your orgasm(s), and you know what follows? A very empty feeling, because you’ve had sex with someone you really don’t care about; it was just sex. Meanwhile, even if your boyfriend never finds out about what you did, you can’t hide from the guilt you feel. It eats inside you and you start getting terse with your boyfriend. You’re not really sure why, but it’s because your guilt is turning into anger that expresses itself inappropriately. This is the sort of thing that will destroy what was once a beautiful relationship. Please allow Papabear to save you the trouble of the 30 years it took him to figure all this out above and beyond the age you are now. If you really, truly love your boyfriend, and neither of you are okay with an open relationship, then try to put aside your urges. The first step to doing this is simple: stop watching lesbian (or any other) porn. Period. Stop exposing yourself to things that will turn you on to people other than your boyfriend. If you wish to keep him, that’s what you’re going to have to do. This is going to be very hard for you because you’re in a long-distance relationship. I hope it’s not for too long a time. The second thing to do is to communicate with your boyfriend every day. Fortunately, thanks to the modern electronic age, you can do so by phone, email, or video chat (the best). Keep him in your thoughts each day and remind yourself why you love him every day. You can even have a virtual date: have dinner together while you video chat on Skype of whatever software you use; watch the same movie; talk about your day. Third, focus on your schooling and other nonsexual activities (hobbies, clubs, etc.) Life isn’t all about sex, and at your age it should be a time to explore the infinite opportunities that are available to you intellectually and spiritually, as well. If you really can’t imagine yourself doing this, then you’ll need to take a long, hard look at yourself and decide what you really want. You’re very young, and maybe it’s too early for you to have a committed relationship. No shame in that, but if that’s your conclusion, then you need to be fair to your boyfriend and break it off now. But, if you see yourself with this fellow forever and ever, please try what I suggest above. Good luck! Papabear
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Hey Papabear, it's me again! :3
Well... as you may remember, I have this friend that I like... but he... well... I'm starting to think he only likes how I treat him in sexual acts... and well... I was chatting with a female friend of mine (I feel that saying a girl friend... sounds weird) and he has been "teasing" with her, him and another friend we have in common to have a threesome... So yeah... my question is... should I give up on him? I talked with another friend and he agrees that he is "urged" and maybe that's why he lets me do this stuff... I told him last time that if he wanted another go, he could tell me anytime (I know I should only ask one question, but I think they're kinda 2 in 1 of course, answer any question you want). Do you think I should keep doing stuff with him? or should I stop? Yang (age 18, Mexico) * * * Dear Yang, In your earlier letter http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/bi-furry-from-mexico-likes-a-guy-who-is-afraid-of-his-own-sexuality it sounded like your friend “E” was too nervous about being gay (or bi, whatever) to have a relationship with you. Now it sounds like he’s getting over that and wants a threesome with a man and a woman, yes? So, that sounds like he’s getting over his sexual hang-ups. Also in your earlier letter, you wanted a real relationship with E, but now to me it sounds like he just wants you for sex. So, the question for you is this: would you be content with just a sexual relationship, or do you want a real relationship with him? If you just want sex, then you might still go for it (safely, of course), but I think you are deeper than that. I don’t think you want a player, I think you want a mate. If that’s the case, I think you can do better than E and should continue your search for someone who is deeper and more mature and is looking for the same things you are. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I having been having dreams lately really arousing dreams. Each dream seems to have one word at the end like a puzzle. I asked a hypnotist about a *ahem* penis enlargement mp3 file she posted on YouTube and ever since I've been listening to it, every time I see a horse I get aroused. I look at their penises and my penis becomes erect within seconds whereas around humans it takes a few minutes to get an erection. It's like my penis was trying to connect with theirs. I love horse penises, with a passion. I even had a dream where a horse was having anal sex with me. Now I love all animals, but I'm afraid that if I am attracted to horse/animals sexually everyone will think I need to be sent to jail or an insane asylum. Is this wrong? Should I feel ashamed? Thanks for your time, Buster * * * Dear Buster, Among zoosexuals (zoophiles), the most common types of attraction are either for dogs or horses. Equinophilia is not uncommon, and is a result of a couple of factors, including physical attractions (many find the horse’s rump quite erotic, and, of course, there’s the large penis on stallions), and also emotional (after dogs and cats, perhaps the most important bond between humans and other species is that with the horse, which has been a valuable companion to mankind for centuries). The first thing of note about sex with horses is that, while a male such as you mounting one from behind isn’t dangerous (except, possibly, for sanitary reasons, so wear a condom), being on the receiving end of a horse’s penis can literally be lethal. Some people, therefore, limit themselves to stroking the horse’s member and enjoying the rather abundant ejaculations. So is it, as you say, wrong to enjoy sex with a horse? Should you feel ashamed? As with anything else about sex, it is a matter of perspective. Some of my readers might note that, in a famous page from history, Catherine the Great of Russia set up a contraption that allowed her to be under a horse and receive its penis in style and (relative) comfort. No one put her in prison because, well, she was in charge, wasn’t she? In modern America, sex with a horse is actually illegal. Interestingly, the law was put on the books only after a man died in 2005 from a torn colon. People who are advocates and apologists for zoophilia assert that zoosexuals most of the time actually have romantic, kind feelings for animals; that the other animals often enjoy the experience; that sex with animals is not abusive; and that zoophiles would never deliberately hurt another animal. As with anything, there are exceptions, but, for the most part, it is not a destructive relationship. Is zoophilia a mental illness? Well, that would be like saying that homosexuality is a mental illness, which some people do, in fact, claim. I would say merely that it is a deviation from the norm. In terms of Mother Nature, it is not “normal” because it will not produce offspring, but you and I and many other people know that sexuality is not just about procreation. It is also about emotional and mental well-being. If you find comfort and happiness in sex with a horse and your actions are not hurting you or the horse, then I would go with the Wiccan view and say you’re okay. However, it would not be unwise to seek out the advice of a sex counselor to explore why you feel the way you do. Not to necessarily “reform” you, but just so that you can gain a better understanding of your feelings and what is going on inside your head. You said that a hypnotist turned you on to the idea of penis enlargement, which somehow led you to horse penises. Why were you talking to a hypnotist in the first place? I was a little confused as to what came first: the hypnotherapy or the equinophilia. The final factor of which you should be aware, of course, is the social implications of what you are doing. Knowing that the majority of people will disapprove of your actions will make life tough for you when it comes to sex—even harder, I dare say, than it is for LGBT people. So, exercise caution and discretion. And, it’s always a good idea to seek out others like yourself so that you have sympathetic ears. There is an organization called ZETA: Zoophiles Engagement für Toleranz und Aufklärung (don’t worry, their site has an English version) that would be an excellent source for you. Please check it out to learn more. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I'm a relatively new hat in the furry fandom by which I guess I mean to say I still find it odd to be a furry. I sort of joined the fandom because a friend of mine joined. Ever since joining I haven't really had any desire to wear fursuits. I really love my spotted hyena fursona Harleen though and I've met so many good people I get on well with in the fandom so I don't want to just quit because I moved away from my furry friends. The furries in my area (or at least the ones who attend meets) are a bit well ... odd and a bit snobbish so I don't really have furries to hang with in my area. I suppose the reason I feel so uncomfortable in the fandom is because of the notorious oversexualizing, the constant pornography and glorification of things such as rape and other questionable fetishes I see in the fandom, especially on sites such as FurAffinity where many of my friends are. I would love to attend cons but constant horror stories have kept me away. Is it possible to enjoy the fandom without having to fursuit and having to deal with the overall well ... strange side of it? You seem to have been to many cons before, what was your experience with them? I really hope this question doesn't offend I suppose I was just hoping to hear an opinion from someone who's been in the fandom for a while. I really appreciate your time and hope you are having a lovely day! Harleen (age 23) * * * Dear Harleen, There are really several questions in your letter, but let’s tackle them as efficiently as possible, tackling them from easy to more complex. The easiest is fursuits. No, you do not need a fursuit to be a furry. You don’t even need a fursona, if you don’t want one (though, in your case, you do). The only real “requirement” for being a furry is that you enjoy stories that include or feature anthropomorphized animal characters. That’s a very broad definition, and therefore includes a diverse range of people from fans of novels that non-furries love too (e.g. C.J. Cherryh’s Chanur books or Richard Adams’ Watership Down) to followers of My Little Pony, and from innocent tales starring Winnie-the-Pooh or other Disney characters to the most lascivious furporn on the Internet and everything in between. I really cringed when you said that furries glorify rape, but I am not offended by your query, for the record. I hear this stuff a lot from people new to the fandom. I don’t think what you said is true at all, however, nor do furries glorify pedophilia or zoophilia. Anyone who promotes that stuff already had a preference for it before they joined the fandom, in my opinion. Saying otherwise would be like saying the fandom makes people turn gay. The gay people in the fandom were already gay when they discovered furries. Same with people who enjoy porn. If there were no furry fandom, such people would be looking at other types of porn. The furry fandom is what you make of it. If you wish to look at furporn and have fursuit sex, well, there are certainly ways you can do that in the fandom. If you wish not to, then don’t. There are many amazing people in the fandom who are super examples of the latter. Three who come immediately to my mind are Dogbomb http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Dogbomb, Tycho Aussie http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Tycho and Brownee Bear, the last two of whom are on my Pal’s list http://www.askpapabear.com/papabear-pals.html. These furries do things like perform at zoos and at children’s charities, making people smile and laugh and doing wonderful things. There are also many fine furry authors and artists that are suitable for all audiences: Albedo, really the furry anthology sci-fi series that helped start the modern fandom, Havoc, Inc., Ebin & May, and an online comic I’m getting into called Pride of Life. You can explore a lot of these on your own by going to a site such as Rabbit Valley and searching on titles for general audiences. That said, let’s talk about furcons. As you’ve surmised, I’ve been to several, including Further Confusion, Califur, Midwest Furfest, Further Convention North (now replaced by Motor City Furcon), and Arizona Furcon. Next spring I am planning to go to Biggest Little Furcon in Reno for the first time. I’ve heard good things about it and am looking forward to the visit. I don’t know what you have heard about furcons, but I assure you they are very safe places to be. The organizers are very cognizant of the fact that they have many underage attendees. Most larger furcons consist of a number of scheduled forums on various topics, a stage show or two, a game room, a movie room, a fursuit parade, a dealer’s den and artists’ gallery and, often, auction, and they often support an animal charity. If you’re hearing “horror stories” about rampant sex, the only sex that would be going on would be in private hotel rooms, and the only way that you will come across that if you go to a furcon is if either you host a sexual encounter in your room or you are invited to somebody’s room for sex, which, by the way, is true of pretty much any adult convention there is, whether it is a convention for car salesmen or radio broadcasters or university professors. I’ve heard stories about each type of convention that would make Bacchus blush. In short, the only way you’re going to have sex at a furcon is if you arrange for it, so don’t blame the furcon. As for socializing, I’m sorry you find the furries in your new home area to be snobbish. I’m not sure what that really refers to (are we talking rich snobs or furry elitists?), but I’m sure not all furries in your area are like that. The ones in the particular group might be that way because the person leading the group attracts a certain type of crowd, so that means the furries who are nicer just don’t hang with that group and it will be a bit more work to find the ones you like. What I would suggest is you join sites like Furry4Life.org and start putting the word out that you’re looking for furries in your area. It’s nice that your friend introduced you to the fandom and that you have enjoyed some aspects of it, including creating your Harleen fursona. Just as with the creation of that fursona, you are the one in control of your experience in the fandom. There is no pressure to fursuit or do anything you don’t wish to do; do the things you enjoy; look for people who share your interests, and hang out with them. Go to a furcon! They are a blast, especially if you have friends to go with you. And don’t just ingest what others put out there; create some furry stuff of your own, if you like, whether that is writing a story, drawing something, doing some crafts, whatever floats your boat. I hope that helps ease your mind. Hugs, Papabear Hello,
My name is Ross Smith and unfortunately I suffer from bipolar disorder. I've found every day it gets harder and harder for me to cope; at some points they lead to serious panic attacks that I can’t control. What do you think I should do cause my parents say I fake it and doctors don't seem to be interested either. JD Husky (age 25, United Kingdom) * * * Dear JD/Ross: Are you sure you have bipolar disorder? Panic attacks are not the same thing as being bipolar. How did you come to the conclusion that you were? Bipolar disorder is a disease in which sometimes you are extremely depressed; this can be followed by manic episodes, although sometimes irritable and grouchy. Sufferers do not necessarily alternate between highs and lows, however. For example, they might have lots of depressive episodes but only occasional, and relatively mild, periods of being “up.” It’s like having your nerves go from sluggish to hyperactive in an unpredictable way. Have you been formally diagnosed? Bipolar disorder is not only about one’s mood. The illness can also impair your memory and ability to concentrate, affect appetite and sleep, and give you anxiety attacks (this last one sounds like you). Suicidal thoughts are also a risk; if that happens to you, please get help immediately. You can call the national suicide hotline at 800-273-TALK or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is no charge. For the United Kingdom, go to http://www.samaritans.org/ or call +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. Being bipolar can make life difficult, to say the least. It makes it harder to form relationships, hold down a job, and makes you more vulnerable to drug and alcohol addiction, high blood pressure, migraines, and even heart disease and diabetes. Because of how it affects mood and impulsiveness, it might cause you to make rash decisions that are not in your best interest (like deciding to quit a job or break off a relationship for no good reason), and it can cause your self-esteem to plummet. Many people don’t realize how incredibly complex bipolar disorder is, and no two people who have show exactly the same symptoms. Medical professionals have developed three categories for the disorder, therefore: 1) Bipolar I, which is the kind people usually think of with extreme highs and lows of mood; 2) Bipolar II, which involves milder highs (hypomania) coupled with severe depression; and 3) Cyclothymia, the milder form which is marked by cycles of hypomania and less severe depression. If some or all of this describes you, then, yes, you could be bipolar, and if your doctor acts uninterested, then I would find another doctor. Too bad you can’t do the same for parents who are unconcerned about their own child’s health or call him a liar. Some good news: even without medication, there are a few things you can do, non-medical-wise, to ease symptoms, including such simple things getting enough rest (and doing so at the same hours each day), eating healthy foods, getting exercise, and doing other techniques (yoga, meditation, Tai Chi, a relaxing hobby) to reduce stress. You can also keep a journal tracking your mood swings and other symptoms, which might help you figure out if there are some things in your life and environment that contribute to these episodes. People with bipolar disorder can, with help, lead normal and happy lives. If you can’t get help from your family or can’t get a doctor, contact the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Their website has a wealth of brochures, and they offer peer support as well. Visit their site at www.DBSAlliance.org/FindSupport/. The DBSA is in Chicago. You can still take advantage of their publications, but you might want to contact an organization in the UK, so for that I would recommend Bipolar UK at http://www.bipolaruk.org.uk/. Good luck! Papabear (Note to readers: this letter is pretty racy—a là Dr. Ruth Westheimer--and I would not advise younger readers to continue)
Dear Papabear, How can I get a grip on my sexuality? Since I was a teenager, I have been looking at porn to let out my sexual frustrations. While I have heard about studies that talk about how porn can impact sexual growth, I have a problem that might have come from it. One, I dont find anyone attractive. While I might be overthinking what being attracted to someone is, I have never had that, "I want to f*** you" impulse with anyone I have run across. I guess it could mean I am asexual, but I dont know since I still get turn on by porn. But I still feel like I have to force myself to be turned on when the actors look too made up or characters in it are drawn weirdly. Thanks for the help. Snowcanine (age 22) * * * Dear Snowcanine, This is an excellent and relevant question in our Internet era, and I thank you for posing it. Cutting to the chase, no, I don’t think you are asexual. Your problem is simply that you watch too much porn. One can compare pornography to drug use. As with a drug like crack cocaine, it stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain. After using crack for a long time, users notice that each hit has less of a result. They try using more of it, but eventually the brain becomes desensitized to this stimulation, and even though you are addicted to the drug, it doesn’t have the same impact. The same goes for pornography. And here comes your timeliness, Snowcaine. The Journal of the American Medical Association Psychiatry published a study in the July 2014 issue in which it was shown that men who watch more than 4 hours a week of porn have less brain activity in the area associated with sexual stimulation than men who watch little or no porn. These are men, like you, who are in the prime of life. Many of them—about half—lose interest in having sex with real sexual partners. They find that the only way they can still get aroused is by viewing Internet porn. The other issue besides duration is content. Online porn—and most especially furry online porn—raises expectations of sex to the most unrealistic highs ever. Pictures and animations of incredible fantasy creatures with huge sexual organs who are able to eject copious amounts of semen that could drown a horse overstimulate the mind. Then, when you get into bed with an actual human being, you’re like, “Why aren’t your breasts the size of weather balloons?” or “Why isn’t your penis bigger than your torso?” You get disappointed and, therefore, unaroused. My first suggestion to you, then, is to ease off the porn. Keep it down to, say, an hour a week. The other thing you can do is try to bring up the level of eroticism in real life. Is your real-world sexual activity pretty vanilla? There are all sorts of things you can do regarding role play. Of course, there is the furry practice of fursuit sex, for one. You can try toys, faux bondage (e.g., fake fur-lined handcuffs), electrical stimulation devices (vibrators, wands, e-stim kits), experiment with lotions and oils (keep them very warm; cold lotion is not as fun), edible costumes, body paint, slings, rim seats, the works (one thing about the sexual accessory industry is they pretty much have everything and anything you can think of). Don’t forget to pay attention to all of your senses. Internet porn can stimulate your visual and auditory senses, but it does nothing for smell, touch, and, yes, taste (try flavored lubes, whipped cream, etc). Use your imagination. Role play. When you get your real-life game to the same creative level as the online porn, your problem will be solved. Have Fun! Oh, and remember what my buddy Critter always says: remember to practice safe sex! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I've written you before, regarding my inability to make friends. Don't worry I won't pester you with that again. I've accepted that it isn't going to work out. Anyway, my apologies for pestering you again, I just was wondering if you had any advice on contending with rejection. It's just, I've been rejected a lot. Not just in like dating in romance, but just with friends and family as well and it really really hurts. It feels like I've been stabbed in the heart repeatedly. I am disabled and I accept that. I also accept that a lot of people just (I'm not sure of the proper word) prefer to not be around me due to my disability. I'm not angry or anything at these people. While it really hurts, I accept it. I know I'm not very attractive and this coupled with the physical disability makes me all the more undesirable. I know there are tons of people who must write you with way worse problems so by all means get to them first. I just want to know how to make it hurt less when I get shot down. Thanks for your time, sorry to bother you again. Galileo (age 25) * * * Dear Galileo, Oh, my dear, your letter is filled with unnecessary apologies. It is never a bother to hear from people. That is why I am here, for goodness’ sakes! I sure hope other people are not refraining from writing me because they don’t want to be a bother! If too much of that happens, there won’t be a column! So, pester me :-) Hon, there are good, kind, and thoughtful people out there, and then there are shallow, pretentious, mean, backstabbing people. The people you describe who do not want to be around you because of your disability or because they don’t think you’re attractive? Why would you want to be in the company of people like that? I sure wouldn’t! I want to be around people who like me for my heart and my soul and my mind. I know a little about rejection. When I was a boy growing up in Van Nuys, California, I was teased a lot for a number of reasons: I was very pale (a crime in this part of the country), I was unathletic in the extreme (Americans swoon over athletic prowess), and I was very bookish, a nerd. So, a triple wammy, really. Most people teased me. I was even teased for my Russian and German heritage once or twice! The American classroom and school playground is like a wolf pack: there are alphas, omegas, and everyone in between who wants to be an alpha. They pick on and chase away the omegas in an attempt to rise through the hierarchy, or, as they said in my day, “to be one of the cool kids.” As I grew up, I hoped that that sort of thing would be over with, that my peers would mature and not be concerned about shallow material things and social standing. Boy, was I ever wrong. It’s just as bad now as it was in high school. For example, when I entered the gay community, I discovered that there was an “A” list and a “B” list. The A’s were the ones with money who dressed well and drove expensive cars and were considered attractive. The B’s were everyone else. I was, and am, a B, and damn proud of it. I even knew a guy who was an A, but then he fell in love with a B, so the other A’s rejected him because he married “beneath his station.” Good Lord Almighty. My husbear, Yogi, deals with all kinds of crap trying to cover the news in this valley, both from businesses and politicians. Not to get too detailed—while still remaining 100% truthful—you would be shocked by how many people get jobs or business deals around here by literally performing sexual favors. Meanwhile, competent, qualified people get passed by because they have moral standards and refuse to sink so low. It makes one shudder. This is a long way around toward saying this: When you do get rejected, consider the source. If it is someone you don’t respect or admire, then any insult or rejection they cast your way should bounce off you like a beach ball. If it is from someone you respect, well then, perhaps you need to reevaluate why you respect that person, because they sure aren’t behaving like someone with a good heart. That’s the way I handle it. I’m not bothered by anyone who looks down on me (especially the rich elite—the ones having inherited their money are the worst) because I know that they based that rejection on a measuring stick coated with the slime of greed, corruption, and vanity. (A note on the above to readers to avoid hate mail: yesss, I do recognize that not all rich people are evil, but it is my sincere experience that most of them live in such a rarified world that they are unable to empathize with the vast majority of humanity; this has a way of sucking out the soul like a vampire feasting on blood.) I sincerely hope, Galileo, that not everyone in your life has rejected you. Surely, there are a few who love you for you. Cling to those people! Let them know you appreciate and love them for their support. Blessed is the person who needs more than two hands to have enough digits to count his or her true friends. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. You know what you have in common with the wealthiest, most powerful, and most beautiful people on the planet? All of you have exactly one soul. You can’t buy extra souls, or make your soul shine brighter than another person’s soul, no matter how much money you have. And, therefore, you are all equal in God’s eyes. May you be able to discern the quality friends in your life, and ignore the ones who only care about quantities. It takes some doing, but I know that when you say you are not angry at these people, you have the potential to rise above like a delicious olive oil floating above a bitter-tasting vinegar. Thank you for your question, which was an outstanding one. Hugs, Papabear First off... I love what you do, helping others. Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep reading.
Now, to the real reason I'm typing this up. Asking for help. There are so many things wrong with me right now I can't even begin to pick just one. Let's see... Father hung himself a month ago, I suffer from bipolar disorder and IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). My father was an alcoholic. I'm addicted to video games (Though that's going away), and the reason I'm writing you. See, I'm 21 years old, however mentally, I'm only 18 and... Well... I just can't get started with my life. I haven't been able to get a job (or I just can't hold one if I am lucky enough to get one). So both job and college are out of the question. I want to go into college though for Information Technology, but, again, can't get a job and I don't want to be in student debt until I'm in my 40s or 50s (My mom finally paid off hers). I'm living with my mother, and I'm beginning to feel like a burden on her. I'm asking her for money left and right, and owe 2 hospital bills equaling $2,400 for going into Behavioral Health for attempting suicide. Even now, as I write this, it makes me want to cry for all the reasons that my mother were to have if she hated me (which I know she doesn't). I can't get a girlfriend... That requires a job so mom doesn't have to go on my dates with me. I don't want to have to apply for disability for my mental issues but... It seems like I have to go that way. All my friends are happy, everyone's got a girlfriend (my best friend even got his pregnant). Every day, I keep wondering where my sweet princess is. I've tried going gay, just so maybe somebody could love me, but I've had to break a lot of boys hearts by saying I'm not gay. I just want to DO something with my life, I don't want to be just another statistic. I catch everyone saying "You're young, you should be enjoying your life." Well let me tell you something Papa Bear, I'm not... The only time I somewhat do is when I'm playing my video games, and when I play online, I'm not even that good... My K/D ration on Call of Duty is TERRIBLE! (That probably was over your head). Anyway just PLEASE help me! I can't stand it anymore! Sincerely, Nightmare (Pennsylvania) * * * Dear Nightmare, My deepest sympathies for the loss of your father. It surely makes everything else you are going through seem even worse than it would under less unfortunate circumstances. I am sorry for your loss. Yet, you mention his tragic passing so briefly, I have to think you are trying to minimize thinking about it. He was an alcoholic, too, which likely was a symptom of other things troubling him. It could also explain or contribute to your IED. If you are subliminalizing it, that pain has to come out somehow, and a violent emotional eruption like you see with IED would be one way. If the IED diagnosis occurred after your father's death, that could be your explanation. Next word of advice to you: lose the name. Pick something more cheerful than “Nightmare” and you’ll be surprised how it can affect you. Another thing that strikes me is that there really isn’t much difference, mentally, between a 21 year old and an 18 year old. Not sure who told you you were like an 18 year old, but that’s a silly thing to say. Unless you mean regarding education, such as you are 21 and should be at a college level but you’re still at the high school level. That might be so. Your IED and bipolar disorder might be holding you back. But that doesn’t mean college is not an option for you. In fact, did you know you could be eligible for a scholarship based on mental hardships? Go to the National Alliance on Mental Health website and you can find all sorts of information to help you, from legal rights to best colleges to select based on their access to mental health for students. Search for possible scholarships on FastWeb and GoCollege, and you might be surprised by what you find. You can enter all kinds of variables to discover interesting scholarships; it’s not all about just academics or athletic ability. Some bizarre scholarships include some for people who are really into potatoes and asparagus, a scholarship for people who work at delis, and one for people who are interested in lawn sprinkler systems. You can find almost anything if you look hard enough. I also advise those interested in college to consider attending a community college for the first two years. The reasons being: 1) it saves you a TON of money, and 2) you’ll get smaller classrooms and better professor-to-student ratios. Then, transfer your credits to a university for your junior year. (Actually, there are many interesting careers you can get into with a 2 year degree that earn good money, such as paralegal or LPN). It helps, too, to find out what universities have cooperative agreements with which community colleges so you can transfer all or most of your credits. Finally, you can also explore work-study programs. About your hospital bills. Have you tried calling the hospital and arranging some sort of payment plan or, even better, seeing if you can get them to knock down the price given your economic issues? You’re 21 and unemployed and suffering from mental illness; there are things you can do. Start with the hospital you went to. Most good hospitals have a financial aid office—almost like a college! Contact them and discuss the issue calmly with the representative there. Don’t give them bullshit, but tell them exactly what is going on with you financially and they will work with you. You can also consult a regular debt counselor if the debt is too overwhelming for you. About your mental illnesses—I don’t have to tell you that you should be on medications and/or receiving other treatment for your disorders, especially since you have attempted suicide at least once already. You are very vulnerable right now and need help. Have you tried group therapy? You need to know you're not alone and that you can lean on people for help. Because of your illness and circumstances, you could be eligible for Medicaid, and I would explore that immediately in order to get your bills covered. For eligibility requirements and information in Pennsylvania, go here. Do not worry about finding a girlfriend (or boyfriend) until you get your mental health and income issues settled. That’s enough for anyone at any one time. Of course, if you just happen to meet someone and fall in love without even looking, then bless you and go for it. But I wouldn’t spend a lot of time and energy on it until the other issues are in better shape. Don’t worry about what your friends all have (and getting a girlfriend pregnant is not necessarily a good thing); this isn’t a competition; this is your life. Envy will just make you feel worse, so don’t worry about what they are doing with their lives. Just worry about your own life. Oh, and don’t worry about the Kill/Death ratio, okay? If playing a video game helps you relax a bit, fine. Just don’t spend too much time playing them. The good news for you is that all of your problems can be solved, if you are willing to work on them. I hope that what I have written here will nudge you in the right direction. And don’t forget to change your name. Creating a positive environment is a big part of the battle. Complementary to this would be to play happy music, decorate with cheerful colors, and look for the little joys in life that are around you. You can do it. You just need a bit of a kick in the butt! *Bear boots yer butt* HUGS, Papabear Hey there big guy. How’s you?
Well, I figured that I should finally tighten up my belt and finally ask you for some advice. I guess to give a brief description of the present situation. My mom has been extremely sick now for about 8 years, I have graduated from college this year and have a job. Right around my birthday 8 years ago (I was about 16 at the time). My mom became gravely ill. At the time I believed it to only last a few weeks; weeks turned to months and months turned to years. I was home schooled since 6th grade so I was pretty much isolated except for my friends next door. For my last year of high school I was at a small Christian school and everyone pretty much isolated me there as the weirdo. Once college started I lost a really great friend, and over the years, I increasingly became tired and lonely. I had some romance but it was sadly short lived and nothing sexual. A couple dates during college mostly. My mom reached the peak of her illness when I was in my sophomore year of college when she tried to commit suicide several times and she almost died by her illness alone. I would get about 3 hours of sleep at night during that time when she would stay awake screaming in agony. Now I've graduated and sadly still living with my parents. trying to save money. Right now I'm really trying to create a life for myself. Trying to find a relationship, I've experimented with being bisexual, but I simply could not commit myself to anything of that sort. Personally I think I'm just desperate for some loving contact. I don't really admit it but I loved it a lot. And it shocked me in a bad way. I feel that I completely missed things that I could have been. Many of my friends seem to be successfully forming lives; they have nice memories through their teen years and college. I had to be a "hospice nurse for that time." I still go back and think of everything that happened, everything that I feel I have missed and I feel like I can't build anything. I like my job but when I get home, it’s back to work, seeing my mom again and such. I never realized that it would affect me so much. I thought by this time I would be just so hardened by it all and I would just brush it off as if it were nothing. I used to be a strong Christian, but now my faith is all but gone. I really want to try and become a great furry artist, but now I can barely finish any paintings and my skills continue to not improve. I want to put this all behind me, and become a new person. All I see myself as is that weirdo isolated freak... People imply it anyway. I just don't know how to take that first step, be an awesome new person that I feel is deep deep inside me, there is just so little hope left; it’s all been drained... Can this not be published, I feel like this is really personal, I don't mention a lot to people how I feel. I keep it bottled inside. Sorry if it is extremely long lol and I think I made it one question lol. That Odd Wolf * * * Dear Odd Wolf, I'm sorry for this very sad tale. Could you help me a bit and explain to me what your mother's illness is? Thank you for having the courage to write. I will ask you just once if you could have a little more courage to let me publish this letter and my reply on the website. No names or places will be used. With those out of the picture, I don't think anyone will know it's you. If you do not agree, we'll just keep it between us, but a big part of this column is helping others who may have similar situations to yours. There may be a number of people who have had to deal with something like this that you can help. Again, I understand if you don't wish me to publish it and I will honor your wishes. Also, about your mother's illness, is it a condition that can't be treated by in-home care? There are more programs available to those of limited income to help with in-patient service, thanks to Obamacare. My husbear has benefited from such a service, for example. Write back soon. If I hear from you tomorrow, I will reply by no later than tomorrow night. Thank you, Papabear * * * She had Lyme disease as well as a malaria like parasite, because of it I like to educate people on the disease and such but that's for another time. As far as I know it has been treated, but the after effects of the disease are still there... As far as it goes, insurance companies will not help with these situations or the government especially. My dad does help out a ton, and hopefully we can rap this up, but like I said it's been 8 years idk how much damage the disease did on her brain. There just isn't enough research. I have a lot of science background in my profession, so I try to think of things that could help her. Same with my dad. We have seen countless doctors, she is seeing a new one soon for a surgical procedure hopefully it works. I think, that people need to be educated about this disease and how it destroys families, you can publish it. I thought it over. Thanks for getting back to me quickly; thank you "lots of hugs." * * * Dear Odd Wolf, Again, I am sorry to hear about your mother. As you no doubt know by now (just writing this for the benefit of my readers), Lyme disease, in addition to causing fever, joint swelling, pain, and other symptoms, can attack the nervous system. This can lead to a wide array of psychological problems (most people don’t know about this, and I never heard it from reporters in Michigan, where Lyme disease, spread by ticks that feed of deer in the state, is a growing problem), including panic and anxiety attacks, mood swings, learning disabilities, and depression (hence, your mom’s suicide attempts). Not only that, but she also has malaria, a disease that can relapse through your entire life. You don’t specify, but if she had cerebral malaria, that could also contribute to behavioral and cognitive disorders. I feel bad for your mother, but it’s not fair to you that her illness has affected you so profoundly. You can be supportive and loving to an ailing parent without it destroying your life, too. My first advice to you, therefore, is to get out of the house. I know you’re staying there to save money, but the price you’re paying is more significant than money: it is your health and your sanity. Without those, you are no good to your mother or to yourself. I admire your desire to become a new person, get a fresh start. To do so, you have to change the environment you’re in. You are 23 and employed, so you can do that. You have to start making a break from your past. Stop fretting about all the things you missed out on because you were nursing your mother. Stop carrying baggage about being a “weirdo” just because you got teased in school. Make a break. The past is in the past and you can’t do anything to change it, so why try? Not that I’m trying to sound like a song from “Frozen,” but you have to let it go. That’s very true, even if it is a quote from an animated film. Now, I’m not suggesting you abandon your mother (or father), but you can’t live this life all the time. One sentence you wrote really struck me: “I like my job but when I get home, it’s back to work, seeing my mom again....” Helping your mom has become more work than work itself. Not a good thing. So, move out, but not so far away that you can’t help when needed. Have a talk with your dad and tell him how you feel. You’ve already pretty much lost out on childhood, God forbid you lose out on the prime of your life, as well. It’s simply not fair to you. If you haven’t already, you and your father should investigate all in-home care options. I find it incredible that you say no government assistance is available, especially if you are low income. In Michigan, check out the Department of Community Health. Read about the Healthy Michigan Plan to get more information on your mother’s eligibility. You could also benefit from a visit to the Mental Health America website. Back to you. I like your idea of starting fresh and also experimenting. It seems your experiment with bisexuality did not succeed, which would lead me to conclude you’re more comfortable being straight, which is certainly fine. You note some other areas that have been damaged in your life, including your religious life and your artistic life. These are things you should readdress in order to reassert your individuality from your mother. Starting over is a good idea. I wrote about this last year in this letter. Sometimes ceremony can give you a whole new outlook on life. It gives you that feeling that you really are reborn. To sum up: 1) Do whatever you can to get your mom the care she needs without you having to live in her house all the time; 2) assert your independence, even if it means struggling a bit more financially, and move out of the house; 3) put the past in the past, and put aside that self-blame and self-doubt that makes you think you’re a “weirdo”; stop putting negative labels on yourself; and 4) assert yourself as reborn and look toward your future. Don’t feel guilty about doing these things. You’re still thinking about your mother, but you should have the courage to look after yourself, too. Only then will you find relief and happiness. Good luck! Papabear Hi There, Papabear.
Just to give you an overview: Bi: married a girl -> had kids -> Divorced -> now with a guy = omg! I heard you help people, well I could sure use some to put it mildly. You might wanna buckle your seatbelt for this one. I'm in a new relationship. With a male furry, which should be great. The thing is I have not gotten over my ex wife. Though the person she was is long gone and I'm pretty much responsible for it. The loss is almost too great to bear sometimes. I'm afraid I'm just using this person to have someone to make me feel better? And it's just me covering up my fear of being alone? I can't really give this new relationship my all. To be honest, I hardly feel anything at all, really. I tell him I love him and him me, but I prepare myself for it to end any moment. I feel like a fake. I'm so screwed up I don`t even know what I feel, only that it's comforting to have him close to me, is that enough? Have I just replaced the pills and alcohol with a new addiction? Neither puppies nor graphic news seems to affect me; there is just apathy and hopelessness. I feel dead inside. That faculty that is supposed to respond is just not there. I've told him this and he tells me it will take time. I no longer feel safe anywhere and the anxiety is tearing me apart. I feel like I've placed a terrible burden on him which is not his to carry. I used to have the capacity to love, though. I got into my previous relationship by reciting poetry in the rain, challenging her to a sword fight and proposing in a suit of armor after she had her blade on my throat, but that was another lifetime. Given the fact that I'm now with a guy and have a child from the previous marriage, it can open up a whole new can of flesh-eating worms I'm just not prepared to deal with. We're in an open relationship. I keep throwing myself into morally questionable situations just to grasp on to something pleasurable, to not feel this apathy. I should be feeling so lucky; a lot of people dream about these things happening to them, but I just end up feeling empty. Yes I'm seeing several shrinks, all at a loss as to what to do with me. After my recent breakdown, I lost my job and am now living in my parents' basement, which is just another insult to my hardly existent pride. And if my family finds out, well, you know how rednecks love them shotguns. I know this is screwed up beyond all comprehension, but please all I'm asking for is a little advice. The Ghost of Love Past (age 30) * * * Dear Ghost, I think you wrote the right person. Most psychologists can’t help you on an issue like this because you have to live it to understand it. All they know is what they’ve read in books, heard in lecture halls, or from other patients. Your story is similar to mine in many ways. I was married, too (though no children), discovering my sexuality later in life. I, like you, still love my ex. We broke up not because we didn’t love each other, but because we realistically realized a straight woman couldn’t stay with a gay man (except maybe on sitcom TV). I’ve also had trouble loving again (though doing better at it), after having my romantic idealism about love smashed by reality. I’ve also been on the psychologist’s couch, and I have certainly known what it’s like to throw myself into sexual pleasures to try and feel something. I’ve also tried to make myself happy with booze, though not with pills. Hard drugs scare the bejeezus out of me. Nothing that you have written here surprises me in the least, so let’s unfasten our seatbelts and see what happens. First of all, it is okay for you to still love your ex wife, even though the two of you have split up. I have been very fortunate in that my ex and I have remained friends who wish each other happiness. A dear friend of mine, Cyberbear, had a similar experience with his now-ex-wife. They had two children together (great kids!) and they are friends, too. My first recommendation to you, therefore, would be to clear the air with your ex. Tell her you still care about her and wish her well, but that you can’t help being bisexual. This is just how things are, and it may be hard, and things won’t be like they once were, but you still wish to be her friend and to support her in any way you possibly can. It is very important for you, too, to keep in mind that she is who she is because of her, not you. Everyone has to take responsibility for how he or she handles life and how they allow life to affect them. Don’t fall into that trap of making yourself responsible for the emotional growth or deterioration of other adults. You have to forgive yourself for hurting your ex. It’s not your fault. Once you accept that, you will be able to move on to new loves. As for your boyfriend, that’s difficult for me to tell from this vantage point. It might be, in this case, that you are just holding on to him because you don’t want to be alone, as you said. You might have jumped into his arms and bed to feel something. But, then again, you might have some real feelings for him but you aren’t allowing them to shine through because of your feelings of guilt. I would advise you to step back from the relationship a bit (not breaking it off, just taking a hard look) and reexamine your emotions. As I said, you’ll be able to do this more easily if you have resolved your feelings toward your ex. Also, I recommend you step away from the sex for a while until you get a handle on things. You need to clear your head, and sex won’t do that for you (as you've realized with that "empty" feeling you get after sex). Instead, I recommend you spend some time exploring your spiritual side, whatever that might be. Being that you are bi, it might be difficult to relate to a religion such as Christianity or Islam, so try other paths. Buddhism, for example, is very refreshing in that it instructs you on how to find happiness and peace without invoking God or making you feel guilty for being human. Much wisdom can be discovered in belief systems that predate the monotheistic Big Three. Many furries have found comfort in Buddhism, Wicca, and shamanistic beliefs. Exploring such philosophical and religious ideas can help you put things in perspective. What is really important in your life? What are things you can do without or minimize? What things are actually damaging your chance at happiness? Too many people say “I am gay” or “I am bi” as if it is their sole defining attribute. But you are much more than that. The single most important thing you can do in your life is find out who you are. Once you do that, you will be able to have healthy relationships with other people. This is something I am just now getting comfortable with at age 49. I know who I am better than I did before, and that has allowed me to have a stronger relationship with my mate, Yogi. The bottom line is that everything you have said in your letter is a perfectly understandable, normal, and human reaction for someone going through a sea change in understanding their own sexuality. The waters will remain turbulent for a while longer yet, but they will calm down for you. Coming to terms with yourself will not only help you reestablish relationships with other people, it will also help you regain the confidence to go out and get a job and move out of the basement. As for your relatives. Screw them. If they hate you just because you’re bisexual, they are showing their true, ugly colors and are to be avoided, but not feared. Do not be ashamed of who you are. I hope these few words can point you in the right direction and be helpful. There is so much more that could be said, but this is an advice column, not a book. If you would like to talk more and have more questions, we can correspond further outside the column. Hugs, Papabear |
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