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How to know you are in your true sexuality, or in-denial, or obsessed about sexuality?
Good day, Papabear! I apologize if this might seemed to be too ranty or seem immature. I ask for your patience if there are grammatical errors. English is only my second language. I hope expressing my secrets on this site will help me to connect. I've been keeping this secret for so long. When I was a child, other kids labelled me as gay or bisexual because they said I was too nerdy, lanky, soft, and effeminate. They even said I act more delicate and sensitive than most of the other girls. Due to that, I felt like it became a "licensed" for other boys to dominate me. There was a time, someone humped; other times, they showed their dick print; and usually they are caressing me like I was a dainty little girl. I know this because they emulate a certain show where a girl is surrounded by boys, and they treat me like I was that girl. Also, when I was much younger, my brother, who is two years older than me, engaged me in gay sex. It so happened that he experienced the same thing with his male classmates and our much older cousin. My thoughts during that time are empty. I don't know what we are doing during that act. Did I like it? Am I in denial? Am I truly straight? I hate that experience. I don't want to become someone's bitch. I don't want to be submissive. I hate they abused their power against me. If only I am not a weak, passive, and introverted, and trying to maintain the image of "be a good boy who hurts no one," I'll fight them off. The thought of someone who is much stronger, bigger, virile, and loud, dominating a weaker person feels so unpleasant. Yet, here I am in a rabbit hole of NSFW furry art, searching for furry porn that usually has themes of solo, muscled males, and then eventually to big dom/small sub. My liking for anthros or kemono characters, beastmen & human girl pairings, obsessions about having a well-built muscle (and, embarrassingly, being well endowed), playing video games, and idling around the internet served as a gateway for NSFW stuff which started around 2014. It started at first in searching beastman and human girl pairings, until I went to gay content. (They are usually much well-drawn, and are much well-endowed and muscley.) At first, I was repulsed, yet I've observed why do I feel something in my groin? It seems I automatically to "self insert" my consciousness on them. It was like "how would I feel if I was them?" I strongly felt unpleasant whenever I view NSFW arts that have tags of rape, M/M or M/F sexual humiliation, gore. I keep searching them. I should separate the feelings from fantasy and reality. But, I can't stop that bad feeling and mental image to go away. My thoughts told me that "you felt erection especially on M/M, so you must be gay. You felt your heart beat faster, and sudden heavy force in your stomach. That must be your arousal. You need to accept it by exposing yourself or else you are homophobic, and you are living a lie. You see that? the submissive male is you. It became my compulsion to masturbate on that stuff, yet I am so confused if I actually enjoy it or not. This became my midnight ritual: search for furry porn, then masturbate--almost everyday even now. I felt nervous if I don't flush the toilet three times and If I don't pour water around its rim, or else they might found out how disgusting I am. Since I am always sleeping past midnight, it affected my school performance noticeably from 3rd year high school, and it even affects my performance in college which is BSME (I know this course needs a lot of attention, yet I am distracted so I don't have stellar performance). What once have been a brilliant mind (as esteemed by my close friends, family, and self) to a severely crippled, distracted, weird mind (I don't opened this to any of them except for a very few because I know this is weird, in a negative way, cringy, and pathetic from outside view). On June 2020, I opened this to my classmate who also happened to identify himself as gay. After I revealed this secret, I asked him if I was truly gay or something . He said I might have unconventional interest, but others have much weirder than that yet lead decent lives. He doesn't sense any kind of "gay energy" within me. He said I might be too obsessed and a perfectionist. I felt a short term of respite, but they are not completely gone. If I don't want to belong to any label, am I queer? What if I was just a male who happens to act softly? What if I was lying myself this whole time? I felt usually in low energy. My brain seems to be foggy and full of random and intrusive thoughts (aside from above, there are thoughts showing me licking the feces on the road or on toilet. There are thoughts showing randomly while I'm doing everyday tasks where a dominating virile monster is on my back and trying to sexually subdue me). I don't enjoy these thoughts, but why I'm having erection? Does this signify that I'm gay or bisexual in-denial? Was it due to my obsessiveness? I don't know. I just want to cleanse my mind. I just want to be free from these feelings. I can't afford therapy, because we are poor (You do not need to be obligated to help in financial matters). What I've read from psychological self-help books like "The body keeps the score" and a few others is that trauma from childhood manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Also, sharing secrets to others anonymously especially in safe places will help alleviate the distress even for a short time, and worry about the fear of being found out in person. I don't have to worry about someone who I share my secrets with, seeing me. I know that you have your own problems. I am sorry if I did add some burden. I felt like managing this kind of page is mentally exhausting, but I am still sending you this. Who knows? My confession might be one of the catalysts for healing. Thank you so much for your time and understanding. I am grateful for your efforts. Have a good day! Anonymous (age 21, The Philippines) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for writing such a deeply personal and important letter to me. And, yes, writing your thoughts and feelings down can be helpful. In fact, if you don't already do so, consider keeping a journal and writing your feelings and thoughts down every day. It can be very therapeutic. There are a few things to address here, so bear with me (pardon the pun). First of all, it is entirely possible for a man to have "effeminate, girly" qualities and still be straight (just as you can have very masculine men who are gay--leathermen and bears). What we consider to be effeminate or masculine is not biological; it's purely cultural. In some old cultures, for example, women did the hunting and men weaved baskets and took care of the children. A little more recently, back in the early 20th century in America, at least, pink was a color that boys wore, and blue was for girls. It was only much later that there was a switch. Today, men enjoying "girl" things is sometimes called "metrosexual." Of course, the opposite can be true for women. They can enjoy "guy things" (like racing cars, engineering, boxing) and still be heterosexual. Culture can be a trap. Being kind and sensitive like you are isn't weak or girly, either. It takes more strength to love than it does to hate. And, if you feel physically weak, well, there's nothing that says you can't go to the gym and work out and still enjoy being sweet and gentle. Next topic: rape. If you are sexually molested (this doesn't have to involve penetration but can include things like inappropriate touching, shaming, groping, or even teasing you by displaying their own sex organs, etc.) by family members, classmates, or whoever and forced to have sex against your will, that's rape. Rape is often not a sexual act but, rather, an act of assault. "Butch" guys who are insecure in their masculinity will often go after someone who seems weak to them and assault them physically and sexually to "prove" they are strong (in reality, it does the opposite). To do so is meant to humiliate the victim, not to prove that he or she is gay. If you are a victim of such an assault, the thing to do is report it to the authorities. You don't say whether you did that or not, but I hope you did. I'm not sure by reading your letter whether or not the thing with your brother was consensual. It sounds like he initiated it and you just went along with it, probably because you felt pressured to. Again, because you are a sweet, sensitive person, others perceived you as being weak and took advantage of you. That in itself does not mean you are gay. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and other orientations are biological. However, being assaulted can certainly turn you away from the gender that abused you. This is a topic that has filled many books, so I don't have room for it in this column, but there are many aftereffects of rape, and one of these can be questioning your sexual orientation (as you wisely noted). What do you do now? First, you need to try to recover from the sexual molestations you have suffered. This article summarizes the many things you can do, including everything from seeking professional counseling to simply treating yourself with kindness. In addition, you need to focus on accepting yourself for who you are without regard to society's definitions of who you should be as a young man. The cultural standards of human society are oppressive, limiting, and imprisoning. Liberate yourself by defining who you are and what your own moral compass tells you to do, and fuck society. Human society is a mess, so why would you wish to emulate it? That is one reason why we have furries--most of whom reject human society to celebrate their own individuality. Bottom line is this: you shouldn't care if you are gay, bi, straight, or whatever else you might be. The sooner you stop obsessing about your sexual orientation the happier you will be. Look, I am a gay bear, but I don't go around wearing my orientation on my sleeve. I don't walk up to people at a party and say, "Hi! I'm Kevin and I'm gay!" Do you see people at parties saying, "Hi! I'm Bob and I'm a heterosexual"? Similarly, you should not define yourself by who attracts you physically. I bet you are a lot of other things besides what makes your penis hard. I, for one, would like to know what your hobbies and interests are, your likes and dislikes. THAT is what makes you an interesting person, not what type of porn you look at online. Your obsession with this, as you note, is affecting your life at school and at home. Obsessions and addictions of any sort are unhealthy. It would not hurt you, I daresay, to get some therapy if you can (I know money is an issue), hopefully from a professional who is not a homophobe and is nonjudgmental. So, don't go to a church counselor. I've talked with some others in the Philippines and have heard it is a rather macho culture, so you might need to shop around a bit to find a good counselor who isn't trying to make you a cultural conformist so that you become "normal" by their standards. So, to answer your initial question, yes, you are definitely obsessed with your sexuality, and this is because of two things: 1) your rape experience, and 2) your struggle to be accepted for yourself. These are things that are not solved overnight but, rather, you need to work on over time. You also ask if you are in denial. No, I don't think you're in self-denial; I just think you haven't figured yourself out yet. You have been addressing the issue head-on, so that's a good thing. You should continue to actively explore your sexuality. At 21 years old, you're right in that time of life when many people are still working on their sexual orientation. Heck, I didn't really figure out mine until I was 40, so everyone is different. Don't compare yourself to other people's standards or timelines. Work at your own pace. Finally, how do you know "you are in your true sexuality?" as you put it. Well, not with porn. You will know for sure when you find someone you love and wish to be with and with whom you have a good sexual relationship, whether that person is gay, straight, trans, male, female, or whatever. Fall in love with the person, not their genitals. Sexuality is not, ironically, just about sex. It is about the kind of person you are attracted to, who they are on the inside. Sexuality is largely in the mind. Human sexuality is extremely complicated. Most people, studies show, are not 100% gay or 100% straight but, rather, somewhere in between on the spectrum. Don't worry about it. And don't let society and those around you define who you are. Sexuality is just one small piece of the full human being that you are. Explore your life. Explore the world. It is an amazing place to learn about once you finish cleaning up in the bathroom. Things will eventually fall into place for you if you let things flow organically, naturally. I hope that makes sense to you. Feel free to write again if you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
IHey! I'm back and with a question, does it matter if i have for instance: a non- binary sona, or a trans one? - even tho I'm cisgender, does it change anything, i wanna stay christian, but its just a fursona! right? ?? (no offense to anyone lgbtq, i support you.) Lacra (age 11) * * * Dear Lacra, Fursonas are a way of expressing yourself and/or experimenting with different identities. Sometimes, fursonas express who we would like to be in an ideal world; sometimes, they express who we really are but are afraid to be or are too shy to express; sometimes, they are a way to experiment with other identities of all types. I've known furries who are male but their fursona is female (and vice versa), and furries who are straight might explore being bi or gay in their fursona. Fursonas are just playful ways to experiment and explore and rejoice in being you or to take a break from being you. Oh, and you can be Christian no matter what your gender or sexuality, so don't worry about that. Anyone who says you can't has not listened to what Jesus really said. Create a fursona who is whatever you like them to be. That's the fun of being in this fandom. And while you do that, your fursona might surprise you and teach you things about yourself you didn't know or want to admit. Be what you wanna be, dear. And have fun with it! Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
I have a hard time having sympathy for furries. I feel less and less care when met with news of a furry experiencing financial problems, or worse. This is not without reason, however. I have suffered sexual abuse, less than a year ago. It has opened my eyes to how disgusting the fandom is, and how rare it is to find a furry that isn't a horrible, nearly irredeemable person. I feel that most furries feed into the culture that caused my naivety back then, and helped a predator blend in within the fandom. The cuddliness of the fandom, I loathe it. Everyone gets in their beds with mere friends and rub on each other like partners. I feel that people like that, even those who do it in roleplay, assist predators. Their actions I feel contribute to creating naivety in minors by making relationship-tier affection something just "friendly". Don't even get me started on lewd interaction. I have been attacked for bringing this up. Everyone is so okay with the fandom normalizing predatory behavior. Maybe I am wrong? I don't want to be okay with hearing that a furry is in pain because they are likely the type of furry I was referring to. Everyone is so okay with this. My question is, am I wrong for thinking this way? Am I a bad person? I recognize your lack of qualification for help with mental illnesses, and I am not coming here with them being fixed in mind, but having another opinion would be helpful. Anonymous (age 15) * * * Dear Furiend, The prevalence of sex in the fandom through art and social interactions is definitely a thing, and I understand your concerns. I am very sorry to hear that you were a victim of sexual abuse. There is never an excuse for that. I would not condemn the fandom as a whole because of your bad experiences, however. I myself have had very positive experiences and have made many friends in the fandom. In my humble opinion, the fandom is what you make of it (which is true of anything). I am not blaming you for being a victim of sexual abuse (please don't think that), but I am saying that one must be careful about the company one keeps. If one marches into the fandom naively (as you might have) and unprepared for what one might find, then yes, you could find yourself among the wrong kind of furry. You are 15 years old and should not be seeking out X-rated stuff, whether that is furry or not. As you likely know, thousands of youngsters are victims of sexual abuse and predation OUTside the fandom. The internet can be a dangerous place, and one should be cautious at all times. So, don't blame the fandom per se. You will find bad people everywhere, not just in the furry world. That said, you are certainly justified to be upset by what happened to you, and again, I am so sorry you went through that! You don't mention your family, but I think this is something you should discuss with your parents. There are some sites online you can read up on internet safety, too, such as Internet Safety 101 at https://internetsafety101.org/internetpredators. And it's not just safety from sex predators, but also trolls and scammers who want to steal your money and your identity. So, watch out for people who beg for money (something you also indicated happened to you). But getting back to the fandom. This is a topic I am discussing more fully in my book, but the reason the fandom can be a particularly tricky place is because it is a refuge for a lot of troubled people. Many young people struggling with sexual- and self-identity issues come to the fandom to seek some release and freedom and companionship. This can, at times, lead to misbehavior. Or, at least, what a lot of people would consider misbehavior. It is a highly complex issue because people are complex, and the fandom has grown to hundreds of thousands of furries all over the world. Learning to navigate such a huge social maze can be tricky. You need to become adept at reading clues that can signal if someone is lying to you. Here's a little tip sheet on that: https://www.news.com.au/technology/online/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-lying-to-you-online-or-in-a-text/news-story/f76033116da0964f2565d5a0d0180812. All that being said, I will conclude here that if you, personally, do not feel safe interacting with members of the fandom, then by all means don't. The furry fandom is supposed to be a place of fun and fantasy, not terror and mistrust. Most people have a great time doing furry stuff, but if you have come to hate it, then there is certainly no law that says you have to be a furry. Your safety and happiness are more important than that. But, after reading what I have said, you want to try again, then feel free to do so carefully, and write me at any time. Finally, if you haven't already sought help for sexual abuse, please consider talking to someone. There is a sexual abuse hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673). Good Luck. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Since I was about 7 years old, I've felt like I wasn't a girl. When I tried talking to my dad about it, he told me not to listen to how I feel. At first, I thought I wanted to be a boy, but 3 years ago I discovered the term non-binary and only came out about a month ago. I only told my mom and best friend, and while my best friend has been super supportive, my mom seems a bit uncomfortable. I told her she could continue to call me "she" and her "daughter" to make her more comfortable, but it doesn't feel right. I want her to call me "they," but I don't want her to feel weird. Me and her have always loved drag queens, and she has always told me if I ever turned out to be gay she would be supportive, so it confuses me a bit to know she's uncomfortable with me being non-binary. Do you have any idea why she might feel this way and what I could do to make her feel better? Hugs, Hijinkx the Cataroo (13) * * * Dear Hijinkx, First of all, your father's advice to not listen to how you feel is absolutely THE WORST advice he could possibly give you. So, do not listen to him on this point. As for your mother, at least she is trying to be sympathetic to you. I think she is uncomfortable about the non-binary term because she doesn't really understand what that is. She can comprehend homosexuality, but, let's face it, lately, there has been a lot of research and terms being flung around by the scientific and LGBTQI+ community that can be very confusing to most people. This page https://www.healthline.com/health/different-types-of-sexuality lists 46 terms that describe sexuality, gender, and orientation, for example, and there are actually even more than that. What's going on here is that science, in recognizing that human sexuality and gender are very complex, is attempting to define all the various possibilities. Many people find this helpful because there is a sense of relief when one feels that one's personal feelings have been validated scientifically. But for those who are just plain-old heterosexual, white bread, and socially "normal," it can muddle the issue more than it clarifies it. I mean, throw around terms like cisgender, skoliosexual, demisexual, etc., and you are gonna get a blank stare. So many definitions can give one a headache and make one just want to tune it all out. But just as this terminology can take some time and study to comprehend, so is your own sexuality coming into definition. At 13, you are still undergoing many changes, and you are still figuring things out. You are making a lot of progress and you definitely have resolved the fact that you don't feel like a girl even though that is what you are genetically. But now you are working toward what exactly that means and what variations of that apply to you, as well as how are you going to deal with it. This is an extremely personal voyage that only you can travel, although it helps when you have support from family and friends, people who can hold your hand. What I am saying is this: Do not rush too quickly into defining yourself. You are only 13, and you are going to be developing physically, mentally, and emotionally for years to come still. And, just as you should not push yourself to the finish line too quickly (the finish line will just move farther ahead anyway), you should not push your parents too hard, either. Do not insist on them using the "they" pronoun yet. To them, you are their daughter, and that is a lot of responsibility in and of itself. Let them call you by whatever they are comfortable with. It is not an important issue right now. What is important is that you continue to explore your own feelings (and ignore parents who say ignore your feelings). This is not to say don't talk to your parents! TALK to them. But don't insist on anything. Just be honest about how you feel and don't put a label on it. Labels can be limiting anyway. If your mother can deal with this best by just thinking of you as being gay, then let her for now, even if she is not being accurate. If your father can't grasp your complex identity just yet, then let him just think of you as his daughter. While this is all very much about you, it is also about your parents and their feelings. Try to be as sympathetic to what they are going through as you would like them to be about what you are going through. Do you understand? This is a process that will take many years. Do not expect instant results or instant sympathy and understanding. Take your time and be patient with them. And count yourself lucky that at least your parents are there for you, even though they are struggling to understand you. And remember: we are more than just our sexuality and gender. We are complex beings of mind, spirit, and body. Your sexuality and gender are just one aspect of a complex human being--do not neglect the other aspects of yourself while you evolve as a person, and do not keep your parents from appreciating those other aspects as they strive to raise their child. Let them into your life without being insistent on what is just one part of you. Don't hide it, but don't bludgeon them with it, if you get my drift. Let me know if you have any further questions. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hey Papa Bear,
I would like to hear your opinion on what you think about furry porn. …But that question alone is only worth maybe a “it’s good” or “it’s bad” answer, so… The true question is, what do you think of the whole scope about furry porn, and how it affects artists, members of the fandom, etc etc. To give you more to work with, ever since I was a wee little chap watching TV with my lower lip quivering, and my eyes gleamed when I saw Flamedramon for the first time, I knew what I was in for. That said… The porn is good and all, but I’m always very sad to see how it affects the fandom. This mix of popularity and sexuality seem to entice many people, artists and commissioners alike, into very deplorable habits of flaunting for instant gratification, of filling their galleries to the brim with art of very varied levels of quality involving their sonas into every possible existing sexual scenario on this planet, just for the sake of… Attention, right? Well, money too, in case of the artists. Is that really worth it in the long-term? It always bums me out that this sexy animal guy I’m jerking off to is almost surely a total douchebag if I met him in person, which… From my own experience, is very often true (But I admit that that’s on ME because I’m a very judgmental idiot and I also have impossibly high standards for everything. I’m sure someone out there could get to know one of those people and find their life-long partner, and that’s perfectly okay.) Still, there are also exceptions. I’ve seen some artists who draw porn but they don’t let their egos get mixed up in it (as much), and I respect those way more because they’re just more human to me. And I’m glad because otherwise that would’ve probably made me a total hypocrite, grabbing my dick with one hand and pointing and judging people with the other… ... Anyway, now that I made my point of view awfully, almost tangibly clear, I would like to hear yours. Hopefully it’s different from mine because I’d like to learn something new from this. I await curiously for your reply. ~Uncle Tuper * * * Dear Uncle Tuper, Sex and the fandom is a huge topic, and it is one I discuss in my book. It is difficult in a column to cover all the bases, but here's the gist of my take on furporn: Mundanes focus on this aspect on the fandom because they themselves do not have healthy attitudes about sex or they are incredibly inhibited about it (religious and other societal pressures cause this). They are uncomfortable with the idea of a fantasy-related fandom, and so, in seeking a way to reject it because it is "not normal," they zero in on what they feel is its unsavory aspect (furporn), and stereotype furries as sex addicts and zoophiles in order to reject and shame them. Why, then, do furries get into the porn aspect? There are a lot of reasons, and none of them have to do with zoophilia. Furporn is just one form of many types of sexual fantasies that people have. You can go on the Internet and find all kinds of fantasy porn out there, some of it is much more strange than anthro sex. Okay, so, why specifically fantasies about anthros? Gosh, there is a laundry list. For one thing, various anatomical features of animals could turn people on, such as the soft fur of a feline or the genital girth of a horse or the fact that an elephant can play with you with its trunk. There are also fantasies such as vore, which has to do with the submission fantasy or even the fantasy of the return to the womb (very Freudian). There is, too, the animalistic nature of it all--wild and passionate sex without inhibition. Also, assuming a fursona in sexual roleplay is a form of self-defense against sexual shame ("It isn't ME doing this, it's my fursona.") Why so much furporn out there? Why do so many people commission artists to draw porn? Well, one reason might be that the fandom demographics skew toward the young range, and, let's face it, young people have "raging hormones" and tend to be horny. Hence, porn. If it weren't furporn, it would be something else X-rated (Star Wars porn, cartoon porn, whatev). I have no problem with furporn (in fact, I'm a fan LOL). It is not inherently "bad" or "good." Sexual fantasies are only "bad" if they become addictions (i.e., you become so obsessed with porn that it interferes with your daily functions in the world) or if they become violent or hurtful to others in any way (i.e., acting out fantasies for any kind of non-consensual sex). Outside of these two conditions, furporn and sexual fantasies about furries can actually be a healthy and normal thing. Sexual fantasies can assist people in exploring their sexual identities, likes and dislikes, and add a bit of zing to a relationship you might already be in. What mundanes need to get over is focusing on this one aspect of the fandom. The furry fandom offers a lot more than just some X-rated art. If you focus only on porn, you are missing out on a lot. So, when it comes to you, personally, I would suggest you explore a bit further what exactly you like about Flamedramon, and this can teach you a bit about yourself. As for online relationships, you should always be cautious about these and make sure you don't let in a predator or other jerk. Such people eventually make themselves known, so you will figure out whether "sexy animal guy" is a jerk or not. If he is, dump him and move on. There are lots of furries out there who are very cool people. Don't beat yourself up for having sexual feelings or that these feelings range into the world of fantasy. There is nothing wrong with you. Just remember to be kind to other people and avoid trolls along the way. Hope that eases your mind. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I know you probably get this a lot from other furries in/out of the closet, but as a male just learning I am gay, how do I handle the fact I like guys in todays society? How do I deal with the whole "homosexuality is an abomination of God etc?" About a year ago I was baptized as christian, however not sure of my sexuality then. In case you have forgotten, my parents split and I am currently living with dad. I told him I was gay, he was just fine with it, even at one point in an effort to help me with my depression, he suggested getting a boyfriend. (all this was months before codvid-19.) Mom however is a different story. Long story short she is very family centered, raised as a Christian. I am pretty sure her opinion on LGBT stuff is she does not think highly of them. One time years ago when I was still questioning, after finding the local LGBT (am I badmouthing my mom as I type this? or is that just my OCD talking? Please answer as a sidenote.) Once I borrowed a book from the local LGBT center and forgot about it in the car. Mom found it and questioned me about it, clearly in a disapproving way. About a week later she told me to read something with her, and it was the bible verse "thou man who laid with a man has committed an abomination." Then she told me if I wanted to be with a guy she will not tolerate it. So as a Christian, raised with Christian teachings by mom but an accepting dad of my homosexuality, what do I do? How do I accept myself as for who I am, and be happy going forward? Am I obligated to tell my mom? How do I deal with the fear from religion about being gay and it being morally wrong? Hugs 0.O *realizes the pandamic going around* *virtual hug* Nicholas (age 23) * * * Dear Nicholas, As you know, you're writing to a gay bear, so my answer to your questions is likely slanted. First and foremost is this: the only person who needs to accept you is you. The minute you define your value in life by other people's opinions of you, the minute you seek their approval, you will doom yourself to a life of misery and self-doubt. Whether those people are Christians, family, friends, your parents, coworkers, peers, whatever. It doesn't matter one whit what they think. Most of them are wrong, anyway, being misguided by a judgmental society. As for Christianity.... In my experience, there are good Christians and bad ones. Good Christians accept and love you for who you are. They recognize that no one, including themselves, is perfect, and only God has the right to judge you. Bad Christians are the ones who use the Bible to defend their hate and prejudice. Stay away from them. The God in whom I personally believe is a loving God, not a God seeking to punish me or hurt me. I do not believe in Hell and eternal damnation. I do not believe that God just wants us to constantly grovel and worship Them. I think of it this way: If I were God and was all-powerful, omnipresent, omniscient.... why would I need to be worshipped by tiny little ant beings? I would not have such a pathetic ego that I would need to be constantly validated for something I already know I am. I would not get my jollies off of hurting people. I would want to be kind to them and try to help them. So if I, a tiny little human being, can feel this way, then God, who is infinitely superior to me in every way, must have all these loving, caring qualities to the infinity power. So, why do Christians, the Church, parents, etc. try to shame you for being who you are? Simply put, it's a power thing. It is the pathetic desire to control you and your life, and also to make themselves feel holier than thou. Oh, they will SAY they are just trying to help you, but don't believe it. The truth is, by being gay and--God forbid--actually enjoying yourself, you will challenge their worldview, and that makes them uncomfortable because it is easier to just accept what you are told to do rather than to think for yourself. Religious people who abuse and torment LGBTQIA people for something as unimportant as sexual orientation are doing the opposite of what religion should do, which is to love and help human beings. I could go on for pages and pages as to why the Church disapproves of gay people (most of it has to do with keeping people in line and perpetuating generations of tithing loyalists), but I think you get the point. You are not your sexuality. That is just one aspect of a well-rounded person. Most people define who they are by what they do for a living and their families. You don't hear straight people introducing themselves like this: "Hi, I'm Bill! I'm a heterosexual architect and married man!" No. So, why should we define ourselves for being gay or bi or whatever? We mostly do this because it is not "the norm." Screw the norm. Norm is boring. Being normal is what has caused so much misery, war, and injustice for millennia. Do not seek out to be normal. Be you. Be different. Contribute something unique to this world. The world needs unique people like you. And remember, no matter what: God loves you. Be a good person. If you do that, you are golden. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I've become a fan the furry fandom since 2015. One of the things that gets me a little 'excited' are anthro males, specifically dragons and canines. I thought that meant that I liked guys. I experimented with some males and while fun, I didn't feel anything. Could it be that I like furry guys instead of real ones? Anonymous (age 25) * * * Dear Furiend, Could you clarify what you mean by "I didn't feel anything"? Do you mean you didn't get sexually excited or that you didn't fall romantically in love? Thanks, this will help with my reply. Papabear * * * The first one * * * I see. Well, a number of things could be going on: 1) you just weren't with the right guys; 2) you really aren't gay (or bi) but there is just something about anthros that turn you on; 3) you are gay or bi but you were so nervous when playing with those people that it prevented you from relaxing and enjoying it as much as you could have; 4) you are still discovering your sexual preferences and turn-ons, and this is just a stage in an ongoing process. Any of those seem to hit the mark? Papabear * * * Probably 2,3 and 4 * * * It can't be both 2 AND 3 LOL. Pick one. Papabear * * * Okay, then two * * * Hello, Furiend, Okay, as long as you're being honest with yourself, good. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum. It is actually rare for someone to be 100% hetero or 100% homosexual. Most lie in between. For example, you might be, say, 10% interested in the male anatomy but 90% more into females. Using this same reasoning, it could be possible that sexual preference might have a human v animal factor as well. Pardon me while I become fascinated with a question that never really occurred to me before. I mean, yes, I have known about zoophiles, but I always thought a zoophile was a zoophile and not that it could be part of a spectrum that involves anthro characters. In other words, just as there is a Kinsey Scale that puts hetero/homosexuality on a sliding scale, perhaps there is a scale for preference for human/animal attraction. Thus, furries into anthros are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Likewise, it could be possible you are attracted to anthros sexually but not so much to humans. It becomes more complicated, too, because one would not keep the Kinsey Scale and (let's call it the Furry Scale) separate, but, instead, you would combine the two, creating a scale involving four factors: hetero, homo, animal, human, and any percentage combination of the four factors. This is all speculative, but you would be an example, then, of someone could be 60% hetero and 70% animal sexuality, or they could be 80% homo and 10% animal sexuality (meaning 20% hetero-leaning and 90% human-leaning). Fascinating. It's all part and parcel with the truism that human sexuality is very complicated. But now you see, too, the problem with overthinking things. Bottom line that I have for you is this: Don't worry about it. Like what you like; don't like what you don't like. You are what you are, and your sexuality is what it is. Remember, as long as you aren't hurting anybody, you should do whatever you like and don't try to label yourself or make your round peg fit in a square hole. Hope that helps a bit. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having a mental crisis over some thoughts after I've seen some NSFW [not safe for work] art in the furry fandom. I'm also suffering from OCD, but to be fair this would be kind of awkward if I brought this question to my counselor, so I'm trusting you fully with this question. Does it count as zoophilia/bestiality if I like to see two anthro characters with feral genitalia or two feral (more animalistic like walking on fours) characters that speak/have human characteristics have sex? Nick * * * Dear Nick, People outside the fandom often misconstrue our fascination with animals and anthros as a form of bestiality. It isn't. If you go out and have sex with actual animals, that is bestiality. The phenomenon of furporn is a more complex psychological issue than that, and it is something I will address in detail in my book. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Sexual fantasy is something that pretty much everyone indulges in, but just because they do does not mean they actually want their fantasies to come true. Sex, as they say, is 90% in the brain and only 10% physical. When we are engaged in coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would call it, most of us go inside ourselves into another world that gets our hormones pumping and promotes a climax. Furry pornography is very much a fantasy. This is why you see such extremes in it, with hyper-large anatomical parts, oceans of ejaculate, impossible positions, outrageous scenarios, and so on. No one actually believes any of it will happen in real life; it is just a mental stimulus. Another theory I have about furry sex is that it is a distancing tool. That is, many people feel senses of guilt about their sexual desires because of society's disapproval, so we cloak our sexuality in the form of anthro characters to shelter us from this kind of guilt. It is the same reason why people like zombie movies, which allows you to mentally imagine and "act out" (such as in video games) violent tendencies, but it's okay because these are the "undead" and therefore you are not doing anything immoral. Furporn is a fantasy tool that helps people work through their sexual tensions, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and so on. But that's just one explanation. Another possible explanation for furporn is that it is a way of connecting with our more animalistic, sexual side. By casting away our human shell and becoming anthro animals, we allow ourselves to engage more freely in uninhibited sex. No longer chained to human society by a physical form, we connect more with the passion of sex. So, no, your viewing furporn--even the more feral types--does not mean you're into bestiality/zoophilia. It is just you exercising your sexual imagination. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
As a East Coast fur, it’s hard to meet up in real life with the other furs out there. I currently am unable to drive a car though I am able to take public transportation. I always wish to got out and see or even experience a Furry convention in my state or any state close by ( Connecticut) but, my main fear is my parents. How do I explain to them about myself and my place in the fandom? I’m mainly into expansion and inflation, and I was also caught a few times by my folks during my sessions with an air pump. When the time comes, how will I be able to explain this to them? Hailfanghoofington (age 22) * * * Dear Hailfanghoofington, As you helpfully noted in the form, you are 22 years of age. As such, you are an adult and have absolutely no obligation to tell your parents the details about your sexual preference or your hobbies if you choose not to. I honestly don't know why I keep getting questions like this from adults who write to me. I mean, your parents don't tell you about what they like to do in bed and what their turn-ons are, do they? (Lordy, I hope not!) So, why should you have to tell them you are into inflation fantasies? Answer: you don't. It's great to have open and honest discussions with your parents about your life, but there are some things that it is fine to keep private, and at the top of that list is details about your sex life. Now, it sounds as though you might still be living with your parents and, therefore, you might have the impression that living under their roof obligates you to fully disclosing everything about your life. Not true. What you should be doing is being supportive of them, perhaps pay them rent for the room, help with chores, and move out as soon as possible. You're 22. You need to set out on your own unless there is some medical or financial reason why you can't at this time. At 22, you should also be able to make trips on your own, even if that means taking public transportation to do so. I encourage you to get out of the house and live your life. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
You may remember me emailing you a few months back about this same issue. I guess I've come back to ask for a little more guidance. I've been struggling with my fetish for about a year now, and it's gotten worse as of late. I've seemingly got rid of my will to stop looking at it, but I feel I need to stop. It consumes my thoughts almost everyday, popping up when I take a math test. Showing up when I'm with my friends. Everyday when I come home, I almost immediately try to look at images of my fetish. It's like clockwork, and it has spiraled into an addiction. I know that this is something that I can't control, and it may never go away. I fear it's ingrained in me. But, I just feel like I need to get a hold on it and try to maybe phase it out. I just don't know how. Cold Turkey is almost impossible. I've only succeeded for a long period of time once. Every other try just feels shallow and I know I'm going to fail. I'm running out of options. This fetish has consumed me since I was in elementary school, and now I just want it out of my life. If you can offer any help, I would be happy to hear it. Sincerely, Rozebud * * * Hi, Rozebud, I was considering suggesting aversion therapy for you, but then I read an interesting article about sexual fetishes in Psychology Today in which the author of the article said that there really is no cure for a sexual fetish and that, indeed, as long as the fetish isn't harmful (e.g., some kind of violent fetish) we shouldn't treat it as a problem to be "cured" at all. Sexuality is a very diverse preference, and there is such a variety of different things (objects, behaviors, sensations) that turn on certain people that is practically impossible to categorize them all. The fetish really isn't the problem. The problem might be your being obsessed with it to the point of it interfering with your life. This is like, say, gambling. If you go to a casino every once in a while because you enjoy playing craps or blackjack and you lose a few bucks now and then, it's not really a problem. But, if you become a gambling addict and lose your savings, your job, and your family, then that is a problem. Here is what I would suggest you do, then. Do not try to eliminate your preference from your life. It is okay to enjoy chubby people. That is nothing to be ashamed of. However, try to gradually lessen the amount of time you spend looking at it and thinking about it so you can concentrate on school and daily life. (One reason you find yourself so focused on sex is because, let's face it, you're 16 and your hormones are raging, which is perfectly normal). Okay, so how do you lessen the time you think about it? When people go on a diet, one way to make it more tolerable is to occasionally allow yourself a treat. For example, my husband and I are on a low-carb diet now, but once a week we treat ourselves to some carbs, such as pasta at an Italian restaurant. Then you don't feel so deprived. You can do something similar with your chub lust. Schedule times to focus just on your interest. Start with twice a day: once in the morning (common to have morning wood, especially when you are young) spend 10-15 minutes looking at chub porn, and then do so again in the evening for the same amount of time. When you feel that is working for you, reduce this to once a day, then once every two days, then once every three days. Eventually, get yourself down to once or twice a week. This way, you don't feel deprived and can get some release. It is important to schedule these sessions at definite times of the day. Adhering to a schedule will help form a habit, and habits are easier to stick with. Now, during all those other times when you are not jacking to your favorite images, you need to stay focused on the task at hand, whether that is school, or chores, or socializing with friends. To do this, remove distractions. A BIG one is probably your phone or the Internet on your computer. Keep away from these things while you study for a test and even when going out with friends (I know, people these days hang with friends and look at their phones, but I have always felt this was rude). Pay attention to the people you are with (teachers, colleagues, family) and not the phone. Here is a helpful article on improving your ability to concentrate. In summary: Don't feel ashamed about your sexual interests. There is nothing wrong with you. However, take steps to reduce the amount of time you think about your sexuality by setting up a schedule that gradually reduces your time on this behavior, while not eliminating it entirely, and work on increasing your ability to concentrate on other important aspects of your life. You don't have to ban this sexual interest. It is just part of who you are. You just have to keep it from playing such a dominant role in your life. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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