Write to Papabear

Teen Feels Guilt and Shame for Being Aroused by Furporn

3/19/2018

Hello,

I was wondering if you can help me with something. You see, my first experience with the furry fandom was when I was 13 years old or so. But the thing is, I got exposed to the NSFW side of the fandom and became addicted to it for a few years now. I had the idea to join in the fandom and try to stay on the clean side. Unfortunately, it was not the case as still have the addiction. Sometimes I even have had thoughts on wanting revenge on those who make this kind of art material and how a lot of furries don't keep this kind of stuff private on facebook and twitter that makes it really easy for kids to view it. I only just want to be a good person a lay my demons to rest. Also, if I do actually want to be in this fandom, I might be afraid because of being viewed as immature or as some kind of degenerate and whatever terms and labels people have been throwing around, I know some people say furry is also just a label.

Thanks, Anon

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your letter, which allows Papabear to address some interesting subjects. You sound as if you have a lot of guilt over being sexually stimulated by furporn. First of all, as a teenager it is completely natural that your libido would be on overdrive. Sex is pretty much on the brain of all young men (and women) because that's when you are the healthiest and most fertile. It's a Mother Nature thing. Most people become very stimulated by "normal" pornography on the Internet. In fact, porn sites are the most accessed of any type of website on the Web. (Interestingly, the Bible Belt states have the highest rate of porn access in the United States). Is furporn worse or more "degenerate" than any other type of pornography? No, no it is not. Do furries look at a lot of porn? Yes, many do--some more than others, of course. Is furry all about porn? Certainly not. Furporn is just one small aspect of a very interesting and diverse fandom; however, to deny that it is also a fascination for many furries would be tantamount to sticking one's head in the sand.

Why do some furries look at or create furporn? Are they secretly zoophiles? No. I have a number of theories on this matter about which I am writing more in-depth in my upcoming book. One theory is that fursonas create a mask over our sexual proclivities--a buffer, if you will, protecting us from our culture-promoted embarrassment and anxieties over being sexual animals. It is the same reason, for example, why I, as Grubbs Grizzly, felt much more comfortable performing on stage in fursuit than I ever would have as myself: you feel less vulnerable, more protected against criticism or guilt.

Another theory is that furporn allows us to be more free in expressing our animalistic sexual desires. In furporn, no one worries about protection, for example, and there is a sense of liberation in letting it, shall we say, all hang out. It also relieves anxiety over being homosexual ("It's not me doing this, it's my fursona") or having a fetish of some kind. The factor that furries do not exist in real-life places furporn high on the "this is just totally fantasy" list, making it feel safer because one knows that having sex with a dragon or anthro wolf is never going to happen in real life, so there, again, is the relief from anxiety and anticipation.

Seeking "revenge" on furporn artists will not help you, as you likely know. First of all, there's no way you will get rid of furporn, no matter what you do. It's here to stay. Secondly, furporn didn't create sexual desires in you; you already had those and porn just provides you with an outlet. Thirdly, don't feel guilty about it. Human sexuality is extremely diverse, and it can be imaginative and highly creative in a good way (the only bad kinds of sexuality involve anything in which sex is forced against someone's will--rape, sex with children, for example). When sex is consensual and done safely, it is actually a healthy practice that fosters social bonds and even love.

Finally, if looking at furporn made you a reject in the fandom, then yours truly would be a reject, too. I don't think I am, so you should be cool.

Re-examine why you have these feelings of guilt and shame. Is it because YOU think furry sexuality is bad, or is because you feel society thinks it is bad and will reject you?

Hugs,
Papabear

1 Comment

A Query about Zoophilia in the Fandom

2/20/2018

2 Comments

Hey PapaBear,

I am new to the furry community and very much like the feral aspect of the group. I often have thoughts of taking these desires IRL and maybe having sex with a dog. I was wondering if this is an OK idea in the Furry community, and if there are even groups for it?

Thanks,
Max (age 20)

* * *

Dear Max,

You are talking about zoophilia: the sexual attraction for another species. Zoophilia has been present in human society since ancient times. You’ve likely heard stories of the farmer who has sex with a pig, sheep, horse, or cow. Sometimes this might be a case of “any port in a storm,” but other times it is a genuine attraction for an animal.

Furries, in general, dislike being associated with zoophilia because many outsiders have falsely accused all furries as indulging in our passion because we want to have sex with dogs etc. That said, according to an [adjective][species] survey, about 18% of the fandom characterizes itself as zoophiles. Another site that does surveys (and is run by people with doctorates in social sciences and psychology) is furscience.com (the International Anthropomorphic Research Project), which apparently has not done any research into this aspect of the fandom as yet (I sent them a query).

Because of the stigma against zoophilia, you will have a hard time finding any furry group openly dedicated to this topic (not saying they aren’t out there, but I haven’t seen one as yet). But if you wish to educate yourself more about zoophilia, the best site I could recommend is Zeta Verein. It is based out of Germany, but it also has a British branch, so the information is all available in English.

Cheers,
Papabear

2 Comments

About That Furry Display at the NYC Museum of Sex ...

1/15/2018

0 Comments

Hello,

I just wanted to make a point. I live in NYC and recently visited the Museum of Sex. It's a pretty good museum, but in one of the exhibitions I saw a Furry head-piece. Although I am not a furry myself, I found this offensive since it was displayed around a number of curious sexual devices.

My first thought was that being a furry isn't just about being sexual. I think that there might be a general misconception about what makes Furries tick. I think most non-Furries joke about Furries in a sexual context, and that's not right.

Anyhow, just FYI, it might be a opportunity to set something right and email the NYC Museum of Sex.

Oh yeah, question. Do you agree with this notion, and what are your thoughts?

Love,
Abel

* * *

Dear Abel,

Ah, yes, the Museum of Sex, LOL. It does indeed contain some furry paraFURnalia, some of which was loaned to the museum in the past by fursuit pioneer Robert Hill. Here is a photo of a display that, it seems, is no longer at the museum:

There is no denying that sexuality is part of the art and culture of the fandom, but it certainly is not the only part or even a main part of it. The subject of sex in the fandom and why it is there will be addressed in my upcoming book.

In the meantime, there are several books out there that try to talk about "what makes furries tick" that you can check out, including Furry Nation by Joe Strike, and Furries Among Us (volumes 1 and 2), essay collections edited by Thurston Howl. If you're really interested, you could also check out two research sites about furries: The International Anthropomorphic Research Project, which is run by scientists in fields such as psychology and sociology, and the [adjective][species] site, which also does surveys about furries.

But you are correct: the furry fandom and its members are complicated. There is not just one reason why people are attracted to the fandom, and there is not just one type of furry, not by a long shot. The reasons range from creative expression to social, psychological, and even spiritual reasons. Furries are writers, musicians, artists, performers, gamers, or simply people trying to have a fun time and socializing with friends and making new ones.

But sex museums and people in the media don't want to hear about that. It's too complicated and too difficult to explain in a display or a special TV news report, so they go for the low-hanging fruit, which is that if you want to draw eyes a great way to do it is to talk about sex. Sex sells, as they say, and that (in a nutshell) is why non-furries zoom in on this one aspect of a complex and fascinating fandom.

I'm glad you found the display misleading about the fandom. Good for you for having an open mind! However, it won't help to write to the Museum of Sex. As long as someone is willing to donate masks or fusuits or drawings to the museum, you can bet they will display them. It's fine, we're used to this nonsense by now. The cool thing is that, as the fandom grows, we've started to gain some acceptance in the world. Sure, there may be jeers here and there, someone ranting against "furfags" on YouTube, but most of us recognize by now that these are just trolls making pathetic bids for attention.

Meanwhile, furcons and other furry meetings continue to spread and grow. And someday, we will take over the world! Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Our evil furplan has just begun! Silly hoomans!

0 Comments

His Struggle with Gender Identity Is, Unsurprisingly, Reflected in His Fursona

10/18/2017

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I have been having this certain itch in the back of my mind for a while, now which has formulated from other things within it. As I have slowly made my steps back into the fandom over a couple of months, there has stresses over my latest fursona.

I was born a male, but over the last year or two, I have been feeling different, and I know you have probably heard this a good few times. I have been feeling a slight uncomfortable feeling with my male image, and often refusing my masculinity. I have pictured an exact female version of myself, and it has caused great happiness within myself.

These feelings have leaked into my creation of older fursonas, with my male ones often being rejected by myself for their simple masculinity and being males themselves. I began to create some female ones, but then came my intense fears of being judged for such. Is it so wrong to make a fursona of a different sex I was born of? I feel really happy with my current fursona, but the opposite gender fear is really getting to me.

Thanks!

TurnWall (age 17)

* * *

Dear TurnWall,

Our fursonas are often an expression of our inner selves, so it is not surprising at all that your struggle with gender identity is reflected in your fursona. There are many people in the fandom just like you, so you will have no problem being accepted by other furries, I should think. Heck, such gender transformations date back to the beginning of the fandom with the famous Robert Hill and his bambioid fursuit, which made appearances at Confurence in the 1980s. His main fursona was Vawlkee, a rather effeminate wolf-morph, and he liked to draw hermaphroditic bears based on Disney characters like Baloo.

Probably the most appealing thing about the fandom is that it is about the freedom of expression, which relates to everything from artistic to sexual expression. When we are free to show how we really feel and think, it brings happiness, as you have experienced with the creation of your new fursona.

Your nervousness is the result of societal pressures from the world's mundane community. You shouldn't listen to the mundanes. Look how badly they have screwed up this planet. Instead, make connections to your own kind: furries, especially those who, like yourself, are exploring their sexual and gender identity.

The more you do so, the more you surround yourself with others who feel the same as you, the more comfortable you will be, and the happier, too!

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

He Has an Amputee Fetish

9/17/2017

0 Comments

Dear Papa,

The first thing I wanna say is, English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if my grammar is uh, bad.

I'm a furry, we all are. and we've been making wonderful creativity things. I'm glad I found this fandom, and I wish I found it sooner, as well as my problem here.

Around 3-4 months ago, I found that r-21 things, such as gore, is appealing. not like I am into killing and be a murder. I love biochemistry, so that explains why I like to see dead bodies and every part of them. but I did not stop right there, I dug myself further into other fetishes. they are all extreme rated fetishes. and yet amputee is my favorite one, and still is. I’ve shown my friends those pics I found interesting; of course, they said I’m sick and judge me. That's okay I didn't care about it, we're still friend. but after that I questioned myself, why am I into it, but they don't. I did some personal research about why people have different ones. I asked many people, and I got myself the answer. which just makes me started liking some fetishes I totally wouldn't dare to try even once. if you wondered how, people explained why they love it in a logical way.

Once, a friend of mine asked, why would I love amputee that much. I just simply told him how I felt about them: the feeling when you hug a much smaller guy, how they have to rely on me, making me feel great to have the honor to take care of them. I can carry him around and travel together, and when it comes to sexual fun, like it or not, he just has to deal with everything I do.

The idea of that obsessed me. I’m still in control of it, but I know some day I would not anymore. Yes, by that I mean a psycho sadist who chops off people's arms and legs and make them my love forcefully. don't worry I am and will not do anything like that. but in case there is a micro percent that I would, that's why I’m here.

Am I okay, Papa? Is this a serious mental problem or anything, or just some extreme fetishes that other furs are into it too? I’d love to hear your word soon.

Rexz

* * *

Dear Rexz,

Having an amputee fetish is technically known as K. Parker Syndrome or acrotomophilia. The opposite of acrotomophilia (just FYI) is apotemnophilia, or the desire to be the amputee in a sexual relationship (acrotomophilia and apotemnophilia can also involve other disabilities, but usually it involves leg and sometimes arm amputation; interestingly, it is more common in males than in females).

You have already surmised the reason for this particular fetish: the desire to have complete control over one’s sexual partner. This can be, as in your case, coupled with a desire to be the loving caretaker of one’s partner.

Having this syndrome in no way indicates that you’re going to be inclined to wander the streets looking for victims to forcefully amputate. Based on what you’ve written, I see no reason for you to think you would do that sort of thing. Further, it is entirely possible that your interest in “gore” is completely clinical, as you stated. Perhaps, even, you might consider a career as a surgeon or other type of doctor. I’ve known some doctors and nurses who have told me things I would find creepy but, in their cases, it is an advantage. For instance, a nurse acquaintance spoke to me once about being completely fascinated by pus and other, well, gross wound leakages. Hey, I found it disgusting, but in her profession, it was great she wasn’t squeamish.

Having sexual fantasies does not mean we will necessarily indulge in them. In fact, that is one reason why furporn is popular and can, indeed, be a healthy form of sexual expression. One example is the vore fetish. People who find this interesting are not actually going to swallow someone whole, but looking at depictions of vore provides a form of safe sexual release.

Likewise, you can indulge, if you like, in amputee fantasies involving willing participants (those with apotemnophilia) who pretend to have been amputated (perhaps by binding legs or walking on their knees, for example). This is called being a “disability pretender.”

All that said, it is important to note that acrotomophilia can be a problem if it becomes obsessive and interferes with the rest of your life. This includes relationships. If you get into a personal relationship only because the other person satisfies your sexual needs, that is a problem. But, truthfully, there are many amputee admirers out there who lead normal lives; indeed, many have college degrees and important jobs. When the syndrome becomes detrimental to your ability to function in society, that is when you need to seek help in the form of psychotherapy.

The short answer for you, Rexz, is yes, you’re okay as long as you don’t allow your fetish to take control of your life.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Are You a Pervert?

7/11/2017

0 Comments

Papabear,

I being a huge fan of Robin Hood have this to say since my favorite character is the sheriff of Nottingham and I often dream about him, which includes binging with him and getting massive fat beyond compare: Does this make me a pervert?

Sergie

* * *

Dear Sergie,

There are a couple definitions for the word “pervert”: 1) to distort or corrupt the original meaning of a thing; 2) someone whose sexual behavior is considered abnormal or unacceptable. The first definition doesn’t apply to you; the second actually depends upon the society that you keep.

If one is talking about mundane society, then everything that furries like regarding sex would be defined as perverted because it is not “normal” (whatever the heck that means). So, yes, you’re a pervert.

So am I.

Who cares?

If one defines sex as having to be a man and woman knowing each other biblically only in the missionary position for the sake of procreation, how boring is that?

But if you are talking about living within furry society, you’re practically white bread.

People who are creative and experimental in their sexual activities will have much more fun and have more satisfying sex than those who do not. As long as it is between consenting adults (and if you’re just looking at stuff online that is not relevant either) and you are not hurting anyone, do whatever pleases you.

Enjoy.

Papabear (who also has the hots for the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood)

0 Comments

Get Your Hands Out of Your Pants ... You're 12, for Pete's Sake!

4/7/2017

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I have a transformation fetish. You see, I loved transformations long before they started being a turn-on for me, but now I feel like I should stop looking at transformations online, even if I'm not looking just to turn my self on, because I feel like its a bad thing to indulge my fetish. What do I do?

Deathcat Gottlieb (age 12)

* * *

Hi, Deathcat,

My goodness, 12 is awfully young to be having sex issues. What happened to just being a kid? My advice: stay away from online porn (even G-rated transformation, if that is your trigger) and try to find something to do that is fun, creative, imaginative, and, even better, involves physical activity and social interaction. You're too darn young to be having sex fetish issues. Get your paws away from your groin and go live a more productive life.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Does Furry Culture Encourage Unsafe Sex?

1/5/2017

7 Comments

Hi, Papabear.

There's something that I have been wondering about. Last week I went to the doctor to do my first HIV test and everything went OK, but I have noticed that safe sex is not something you see in the furry.

I'm sure that unconsciously leads to people to risk themselves with bareback sex. In my country it's common to begin with sex at 14 or 15, but if you are gay you can't tell anyone because they start with "You are going to burn in hell f*g", "What did I do to deserve this?" thing.

And well... The only information you can get is through Internet or friends, but in the time I have been in the fandom, just a Fox friend and ex-mate talked about condom. When I told my friends I was going to do an ELISA [a test for antibodies in the blood that could indicate an infection] they looked at me like I was the devil or something.

Why safe sex and sexual diseases are so excluded in a community like ours?

Toichi (age 16, Bogotá, Colombia)

* * *

Dear Toichi,

Thank you for bringing up a perennially important subject: safe sex.

I think you make some shrewd observations here, Toichi. Papabear has seen some risky behavior in the fandom, indeed. There appears to be some misinformation and false conceptions within the fandom. A big one is the belief many people have that if you’re not feeling sick or don’t show any symptoms, then you are safe. Here are some facts about that:

HIV: you can be HIV positive for as long as 10 years without expressing any symptoms. During that time, you can pass the virus along to sex partners if you don’t use protection. (By the way, in the United States at least, knowingly having unsafe sex with someone when you are HIV positive is a crime).
Herpes: about 1 in every 6 Americans ages 14 to 50 has herpes in some form. While it is most contagious during a breakout, you can also pass it to others when you are not showing symptoms.
Gonorrhea: most common among young women, it can often be mistaken for a yeast or urinary infection. If left untreated, it can cause infections in other areas of the body, such as the heart, joints, brain, and blood. It can also adversely affect pregnancies.
Chlamydia: also most common among young women, it is, like gonorrhea, often misdiagnosed as a bacterial or yeast infection. Undiagnosed and untreated, it can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, causing permanent damage to the fallopian tubes and infertility.
Human papilloma virus (HPV): this one is rather tricky, too. It is a very common virus and, interestingly, wearing a condom does not always afford protection against it. HPV sometimes, but not always, expresses itself as genital warts. In some cases, it can lead to cervical cancer, which is why HPV vaccinations are recommended for young women. The good news is that even if you have it, the body can eventually defend against it and cause the virus to be eradicated. Many people with HPV never know it and have no symptoms.

One factor about the attitude of furries and STDs, then, is that they are ignorant of the facts and the dangers. Another factor is trust: furry communities and friends within it can be tight, and people often extend trust to their friends that are not wise or deserved (“Trust me, I don’t have any STDs. I’m fine. Let’s play without condoms!”) But it’s not just friends, it’s a culture. Once, my mate, Yogi, and I were out with some furries at a restaurant. A female furry leaned over to my partner and, placing a paw on his knee, said (not kidding), “One of the great things about being a furry is you can have sex with anyone.” Yogi looked at her and said, “I’m gay. Don’t you see me here with my boyfriend?” As you can see, stupidity plays into this, too.

This attitude can be encouraged by the atmosphere of the furcon. Furry conventions are often places where young and old furries go to their hotel rooms and have sex. A lot of this has to do with young furs who are managing to get out of from under their parents’ shadows and go a bit wild. To be fair, this is not unique to furry conventions. From what I’ve learned from other business convention attendees, a lot of sex and cheating goes on here. One time, Yogi was at a journalist convention. He opened up a closet door, looking for a conference room, and saw two people making out in it.

Yet another factor has to do with advances in HIV medicine. The advent of PreP (a medicine you can take to protect against HIV infection, although it doesn’t protect against any other STDs), as well as better treatment for AIDS patients has caused people to believe that HIV is no longer as dangerous and that, consequently, safe sex is not necessary.

The website [adjective][species] has a thoughtful article on the topic, too: http://www.adjectivespecies.com/2012/10/08/furries-hiv/. Here, the writer suggests some other factors, including that HIV is “scary,” so people do not like to talk about it, which makes them more ignorant of the facts and dangers. The article also suggests that the “incestuous” furry community has a higher rate of STDs within it, making infection more likely.

And there you have it.

Ignore your friends’ scorn, Toichi, and be the smart furry you are. Always play it safe.

Hugs,
Papabear

7 Comments

Boyfriend Is Calling It "Polyamory," But Really He Just Wants to Sleep Around

12/9/2016

2 Comments

Papabear,

I've been in a relationship for about a year now and honestly, it's great. But there's one HUGE problem. My boyfriend is polyamorous and I'm not. When we started the relationship, I was still new to the idea of polyamory but was willing to try it. Now, I find myself hurting every time he's with his girlfriend. I've been cheated on before and it just feels like that again to me. I haven't met this girl yet, but do know a little about her.

On top of it, my boyfriend will blatantly state how girls we see are “hot” or he’d “f**k her.” And it hurts even more. We saw a musical the other day and he even commented on the one actress being hot.

Then there’s the fact that I worry more so about our relationship because I'm transgender and he's never dated outside of cis-females. I plan to get surgery one day and have been on testosterone for only a few days. He says he'll still stay with me but I'm worried even more that he won't thanks to having only dated cis-gender females before and the fact that he seems to be okay with the idea of sleeping around.

I always viewed polyamory as LOVE and not just having one night stands too like he seems to view it as. And I don't want to lose him over this. Before I met him, I was single for over 2 years. I don't want to go back to being single and alone because I'm transgender and a furry. Not many people can handle it. I don't know what to do anymore.

Ryvis (age 22)

* * *

Hi, Ryvis,

Thank you for writing to Papabear on an important issue. Also, I applaud you on your bravery in taking difficult steps toward finding your happiness.

On the subject of polyamory. Polyamory is about the ability to love several people at the same time, more or less equally. It is not about one night stands, as you correctly point out. Sounds to Papabear as if your boyfriend is trying to justify what he is doing by excusing it as polyamory when, in truth, he just likes to sleep around. Also, the two of you have been together a year and you haven’t met his girlfriend? Seems to me that if he was serious about you and open about being polyamorous with all the “loves” in his life, then he would be introducing you by now. Finally, he is showing no respect for your feelings by going on about all the girls he wants to do.

I’m glad you wrote because you need an outsider’s perspective on this, Ryvis. This guy is a jerk. Add to this that you really aren’t comfortable with a polyamorous mate (even though you are willing to try it), then you need to see that this guy isn’t for you.

The only reason you’re sticking with him is because you don’t want to be alone. Also, I have a feeling you have self-esteem issues that make you believe (falsely) that you are not worthy of a lover who is kind and considerate of you. In desperation, you are clinging to someone who “says” he loves you but, based on what you have written here, no, he does not.

Have the courage to get out of a bad relationship. It’s okay to be alone for a while until the right person comes along. In fact, being alone for a bit while you work on your sense of self-worth and also, perhaps, get that surgery, could be good for you. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy (mentally and emotionally) yourself. Otherwise you will fall into traps like this again.

That’s probably not what you wanted to hear (or, maybe it is?) but it is what you needed to hear.

Good Luck! I wish you REAL love in your future.

Hugs,
Papabear

2 Comments

He's Afraid He'll Lose Her If He Admits His Struggles with Sexuality

10/21/2016

0 Comments

Hi!

I am 18 years old and have a girlfriend, but I'm afraid I might be gay.

Let me explain: my girlfriend is the most wonderful person I have ever seen, I find her beautiful, attractive, kind and am thankful I can call her my friend. We have been very best friends for 4 years (I would call us soulmates) when things started to get serious and we got into a relationship. Everything was great, although I never had the "butterfly in my stomach feeling" the 6 months we've had together were the happiest in my life. Then I moved away (another country) for a 6-month exchange programme, so we are currently in a long distance relationship. We are considered the perfect couple by everyone, sometimes I feel like we are meant for each other and I actually can't (and don't want to) imagine a life without her.

Recently, I have realized that I notice guys way more than girls. Actually, thinking about it I always knew I was attracted to men. I've always behaved "different", been interested in rather feminine things and so on, yet I have never had anything with a guy. Although I knew about it when we got together, it never really striked me as important, I had no doubts and being together felt right. Now that I am so far away I am seeing what I'm really interested in, but I don't know if I'm gay or bisexual - which would also determine whether or not me and my gf can make the relationship work.

The thing is: on the street, I notice men way more, I find almost every guy sexually attractive (I catch myself looking at bulges all the time). I have watched gay porn and liked it, I have fantasized about classmates, but I never felt anything for any guy.

When I see pretty women on the street, I find them beautiful, somehow like "art", but I don't get sexually aroused (or at least not as much as with men). I can't remember really being sexually interested in women when I was younger the way my classmates were. But I have never with my girlfriend felt like I have to fake sexual interest, almost every time we made out, had any sexual interaction it felt great (of course there were exceptions but I guess they are somehow normal), and most of the time i even started - she never had to push me to do something. I felt always so good, natural and so right.

This confuses me a lot. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? If so, am I still bisexual enough to stay with my girlfriend?

The thing is: I am still very young and have a whole life in front of me, what I really want is my girlfriend to be happy and to be happy myself. I'm so afraid to one day when we are married realize "fuck I'm gay" and to destroy her and me emotionally.

I feel like I have to talk to her, but what do I say? I mean, If even I am confused, how is she supposed to understand anything at all.

Also, she is on the other side of the planet, it would have to be via skype...
This is something else I wonder about: does it have anything to do with being physically apart? Would I feel different If i was with her or will it feel different when I get back?

I have read a lot about the subject and i know there are options like mixed relation marriages and so on, but I really want to be sure about how I feel. It hurts to think that although it could work out, there might be someone else out there who could be a better boyfriend to her, who could have an easier relationship with her and who could love her entirely 100%, no doubts included.

The only thing I am sure about is that I want us to be happy and that I would love to go on having her as my girlfriend, I want to travel with her, I want to show her my home country and so on.

These days all I can think about is all of this, I wake up thinking "do I have to break up?" And feel very guilty - that also seems to be a sign: why would I feel guilty if nothing was wrong?

Especially regarding the fact that we are thinking about where to go to university to stay as close as possible makes this decision feel urgent, I don't want to attach her to something that has no future.

Dear papa bear, sorry for the long letter and thank you so much for being there and all of the support!

Anonymous (age 18)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Based on what you have written here, yes, you are somewhere between straight and gay. Sexuality is a spectrum; where, exactly, you fall in the middle seems to be something you still need to work out. This is not at all unusual for someone your age.

The mistake you are making here is that you are laying all the burden of this decision on you and you alone. You don’t need to talk to me; you need to talk to her. This would best be done in person, but I’m not sure how long you are going to be away in a different country. Sounds like you plan to go back to her area of the world to attend college. Unfortunately, it would not be fair to her to make all kinds of plans about, say, attending the same university together, and only then tell her you are having second thoughts about your sexuality.

Therefore, it would be best if you talk to her now. You do not have to decide right this minute whether you are gay or bi, but you should tell her, frankly and sincerely, how you are feeling. Only then will you know how she feels (it could be anything from “it’s over” to “let’s work this out but still be together”). Once you have that information, you can make the decisions you need to make. Papabear went through what you’re going through—much later in life—and suffered in silence for four long years before finally confessing to my then-wife that I had discovered I was gay. It was a very hard time; we both cried a lot. In the end, we divorced but we are still friends to this day.

For all you know, your girlfriend could be having these struggles as well. If you talk honestly with her, you might learn she is bi or pansexual or a lesbian. You don’t know. Or you might learn that she is completely straight and she’ll decide that the two of you need to break off the romantic relationship. If that is the case, it is definitely best to tell her now. It is unfair to string her along in a serious relationship if it is not going to go anywhere. Also, this does not discount the possibility that the two of you can remain very good friends for years to come. Friendships—solid friendships—can be just as valuable as mates in your life.

Bottom line: this is not a one-sided decision in your case. It involves both of you. Therefore, you need to bring her into the dialogue and work this out together.

Bon Chance,

Papabear

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