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Dear Papabear,
Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have a question since I'm bisexual, and ... the Bible says being with the same sex is bad. And I'm also poly with a bunch of boyfriends. If I repent, how do I break up with them? Only because I feel guilty with the same sex, which I'm trying my best not to fall into that again. If you could help me that would be great. I just don't want to hurt anyone. Thanks for reading this and still it's a pleasure to meet you, Papabear. Rock (age 24) * * * Dear Rock, You have no need to repent or to break up with anyone you don't want to break up with. You have done nothing wrong in God's eyes. There are many rules in the Bible--a book written by human beings, by the way--that are there to enforce social order and to encourage a stable society that can be controlled. Period. For example, there are many rules about what foods you can and can't eat (rules you probably violate because they are in the Old Testament and followed more by Orthodox and Conservative Jews these days than they are by Christians). For example, rules about eating pork found in Leviticus 11:7-8 and Deuteronomy 14:8 are there because back when these passages were written it was more dangerous to eat pork because it could make you sick. It was also prohibited to cook meat and milk together (Exodus 23:19 and 34:26, Deuteronomy 14:21) for similar reasons. The writers of the Bible put such rules in and say they are the commandments from God because, let's face it, it was a lot easier to make people obey dietary rules for their health by saying "God tells you to do it that way" than to explain how it might make you sick and that your leaders are the ones telling you to eat in certain ways. The same is true for any rules about sex in the Bible. In the Old Testament, it should be noted, King David had at least eight wives and many many concubines. King Solomon had a thousand wives and concubines. Do you think they are burning in Hell now? Probably not, although supposedly this is why God eventually divided Solomon's kingdom. David wasn't really punished for his eight wives per se, but he was mostly punished for fooling around with Bathsheba. Despite this, David and Solomon are considered Israel's greatest kings in history, and the Christians make it very clear that it is important to note that Jesus is a descendant of David in order to preserve the idea of a royal Jewish lineage. Anyway, it's fair to say that in the Old Testament they were a bit more lax with the whole monogamy thing, and nobody seemed to mind concubines at all LOL. No, the real reason heterosexual, monogamous marriages are stressed are to create stable families for the sake of society. In this concise article from Psychology Today, psychologist Arash Emamzadeh explains the theories as to why religions such as Christianity stress rules enforcing monogamy. These include:
There is actually a lot to be said for the above. We have seen in modern society how increased promiscuity, the decline of the institution of marriage, and the destabilization of the traditional family have caused such problems as children living in one-parent homes and suffering increased financial hardships, psychological problems such as depression and anxiety, struggles in education, and even increased crime, drug use, and alcoholism. In short, Christians will tell you that being LGBTQ or poly or anything that is not hetero and monogamous is a "sin" (whether they do so consciously or subconsciously) because they are trying to control your behavior and they feel the only way to do this is to scare you and to make you feel like a bad person. It's a strategy that works, but it is also a strategy that causes a lot of trauma in people, including self-hatred and despair. What I'm trying to explain, Rock, is that you are being made to feel guilty not because you are a bad person but because you are part of a society that is trying to control you for the benefit of the social order, and not because God will see you as a sinner (although according to Christians we are all sinners, so not sure why it matters). I'm not saying don't be a Christian or don't be poly or don't be gay. You don't actually have to make a choice. There are many LGBTQ Christians out there. And there are also Christian Furry groups such as the Christian Furry Fellowship. I suggest you look into these churches and organizations to increase your chances of finding people of faith who will love and appreciate you for you. You are fine just the way you are, Rock. And you are loved. Blessed Be, Papabear
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Hi Papabear,
This is my first time writing to you. I’m writing because I feel like I struggle with the belief that I’ll never be accepted by gay/bi men for something I did in the past and I also isolate myself and struggle with guilt for that as well. I’m a bisexual guy and was closeted to my family for most of my life until last month when I came out to my mom. I also came out to my younger brother about 6 months ago and he was the first to know in my family. I’m glad that my mom accepted me and said that she loved me. She couldn’t understand why I thought that she would disown me and said that I kind of took my time (I’m almost 24). It was actually my new year’s resolution to come out to her this year since being closeted was making me so miserable and amplifying the guilt that I felt and still kind of feel for something I did a little over 2 years ago. Back in 2023, I remember being intent on trying to date or hookup just like people my age. I felt like I was behind and that everyone my age was doing that. I tried dating girls on dating apps, but I didn’t have any luck, and I get more nervous/awkward around girls than guys to be honest. I thought it’d be a good idea to focus on making friends online instead. I eventually made a friend online and we met 4 times in person. From the moment I met him, I could tell he was obviously gay. I really liked him as a friend. He was really kind, and I liked texting with him. However, I’m ashamed to say that I was kind of embarrassed to be seen in public with him because I was scared of people judging us, and I didn’t feel comfortable with people in public seeing me as bisexual. I remember one time he told me that he frequented adult livestreams and that gave me an idea. I suggested we experiment in an “intimate” way. We did and I ended up losing my virginity to him. That same day, I let him know that I wasn’t interested in a relationship and that I was only looking for something casual. He told me that he didn’t want a relationship either. That was the last time I saw him. I was scared to meet up with him again for two reasons: that was the first time doing something intimate with someone and I was nervous to see him again; also, I was embarrassed to be seen with him. We still texted, but I made excuses not to hang out. Eventually, he ended up moving away to the East Coast after getting a job. I felt terrible for the way I acted towards him. I apologized to him via text and said that I was sorry for not meeting up with him again and that I was nervous about being intimate and that I felt like I had used him for sex (something that my friends and people online said I did). My friend was really empathetic, and he wrote a long reply. He said he was never mad at me and that he had a lot of fun with me. He said that he didn’t want me to beat myself up and that if I was ever in his current city to hit him up again so he could show me around. He said he didn’t feel used and that he wanted my first time to be safe because his wasn’t. He was sexually assaulted in the past. That’s one of the things I felt the most guilty about. I constantly ask myself if I added to his trauma. Online I was told in a gay forum on Reddit that gay guys disliked people like me. They said that men like me who are DL are a really common problem. I was told that I never really cared about him and told that I should give up on dating/hooking up with men. I lived with guilt for a long time, and I couldn’t even ask my family for help since I thought they would no longer accept me. To help with the guilt, I remember trying to donate money to charity and help others, even strangers, and I stopped when I realized I was being taken advantage of. At one point, I even took the online advice to heart and decided I was never going to pursue men again because I was closeted and was only going to hurt them. It’s been over 2 years, and I haven’t done anything with anyone else. My friend and I no longer talk (and I think it’s better that way now). He’s doing good with his new career, and it keeps him busy. No dating/no hookups since. Some old friends were surprised to hear this, and I just made some excuse like “I’m focusing on improving myself now.” I went to another counselor, and he convinced me to come out to my brother, and my brother helped me by telling my mother for me. I’m very grateful to my counselor and brother for that. He also suggested that I go to the pride center on campus. The thing is I feel like I can’t. I’m scared they won’t accept me. I’m scared they’ll see me like the people do on Reddit. My worst fear is repeating what happened with my friend in the future. I guess I’m just writing this to see if I could get some encouragement. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a loving relationship, and it’s something that I really want one day. I feel terrible when people my age or younger talk about kissing or dating while I still think about my friend from over 2 years ago. I’m writing just wanting encouragement to put myself out there instead of wasting my 20s living in the past and isolating myself. I wonder how I could go around trying to date men or just befriend them one day again. I know this is a long letter. Thank you for your time. Anonymous (age 23) * * * Dear Furiend, I'm going to quote my late mother here: "Guilt is the most worthless of all the emotions." Guilt doesn't help you with anything. It just makes you miserable. There are some misconceptions in your letter that I need to correct. The first and most important one is that LGBTQIA social media communities like the one you came across on Reddit represent the gay community accurately. They absolutely do not. You should really know by now that online communities are dumpster fires full of trolls, bullies, and drama queens who rejoice in hurting other people and putting them down to make themselves feel better and more superior. DO NOT listen to them. Social groups online are extremely hit or miss, and you really take a chance going to them for support. Also, just because you had some bad exchanges on Reddit doesn't mean the entire worldwide gay community is critical of you. That's absurd when 99.99999999% of them have never heard of you or know you exist. Instead, to help you navigate the LGBTQ world, I would like to recommend you start with a reputable organization known as The Trevor Project, which focuses on young people up to the age of 24, offering educational, peer support, and crisis management (including online counseling) services. Start with them, and they can help point you in the right direction. You've been making some mistakes (honest ones, don't berate yourself) because you lack guidance. You need someone to show you the ropes. Also, try the on-campus pride group like your counselor suggested. It's a good idea to make in-person connections. The comments those Reddit people gave you are bullshit, frankly (especially that comment in which they presume to tell you that you didn't actually love that guy--OMG!) Gay men who are on the "down low" or are closeted are omnipresent in the gay community. There are some gay men who look down on them, yes, but most people are very understanding about it. And being compassionate to those in the closet is actually the first step to get them out of the closet. When you feel judged, you're more likely to hide yourself. Your friend is a great example of a compassionate friend. He seems pretty cool, actually, and it is my opinion that it is a mistake to cut him out of your life. He seems quite kind and supportive, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends, chat online, or even make a phone call once in a while. It is quite clear you did not hurt or traumatize him in any way, so stop feeling guilty about something that just is not true. You're only hurting yourself. You also, very fortunately, have support from your brother and mother. That's excellent! Do not underestimate the importance of their love and support, which proves that you are a person who is loved and valued and who is far too critical of himself. Don't feel bad about that, either. It's very common for gay people to feel guilt and shame that they have feelings that meet with disapproval from conservative societies. What you need to realize is that your feelings are valid and natural, and they are not sinful or bad in any way. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to find a boyfriend, find love, and be happy. You also should not feel any guilt about the sex you had with your first lover. It was consensual (he told you so! Believe him!) and you both had a rewarding and fun time. While there is much to say about spending time to focus on yourself, it's quite clear that you don't mean it when you tell people that; you're just using it as an excuse when you tell them you are not in a relationship. The real reason is that you are torturing yourself with guilt and you feel that sex is somehow wrong if you are not committing yourself to a long-term relationship. In truth, non-committed sexual relationships offer many benefits that include emotional, social, and physical. Here is an outstanding article on that by psychologist Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., who also explains the reason for people stigmatizing sexual openness in terms of social identity theory. Social identity theory states that people stigmatize others as one method of creating social cohesion and stronger bonds within their particular group. For example, a church congregation that identifies as hetero and white might label LGBTQIA and BIPOC people as outsiders and treat them as bad people. By sharing these prejudices, they form stronger bonds and a stronger identity within their group. You want to not feel terrible that you aren't dating and finding someone to care about and kiss? I have a simple solution. Stop it. The only person stopping you from being happy is ... YOU! So, knock it off. Is that "tough love"? Not sure, but it's the truth. Stop stopping yourself and go and meet people. Make friends with some. Make love to some. And, hopefully, make some close and enduring relationships. You deserve it as much as anyone else. Bear Hugs, Papabear Don't Fret about Sex Shamers Who Can't Deal with the Fact That Humans Are Sexual Creatures2/12/2026 Dear Papabear,
Lately, I've been frustrated with puritan attitudes inside and outside the fandom. Outside and inside, I often see people calling anything even remotely spicy "gooner material" (I really hate that word), labeling others porn addicts just for liking NSFW content even at all, and acting like people are too open about this; and while I won't deny this happens, I'm not convinced that it's as big of an issue that it's made out to be due to the following reasons:
All of that is came from both the fandom and the internet in general but for something inside the fandom, I've seen quite a few people acting like having a sexual element "ruined" the furry fandom. I'm old enough to be considered a greymuzzle but I've only been a furry since around 2015, so I don't know a whole lot about the fandom's beginnings. From what I've heard, sex has been a part of this fandom pretty much since its inception, with fanzines containing adult comics and stories as well as there being spicy artwork in the fandom's early days. I can't say with certainty if this is the case but if it is then those complaints are pretty much moot because those who make them are complaining about the fandom being what it always has been but whatever the case may be, is the furry fandom having a sexual side really such a bad thing? We live in a society that demonizes sex and labels it as something shameful and abhorrent. I disagree with that sentiment very strongly because sexual desire is a perfectly normal and natural thing as well as what makes us who we are as humans and it's because of this that I believe that sexuality is something to be embraced, not shunned. This is why I'm glad that the fandom is so accepting of sex. It's a place where we can express and explore our deepest desires safely and without feeling any of the shame that society tells us we should feel. I know I went off on a tangent there and I apologize for that. Anyway, I'm writing this because I wanted to ask you whether or not you think there's anything that can be done to do away with puritan attitudes once and for all because I don't know about you but I've had pretty much all I can take of this whole mentality of "sex bad" and would like for it to end. Don't get me wrong, I understand that there is a time and place for everything, and whenever I talk about sexual matters, I keep it confined to NSFW spaces because while I believe that sex should be embraced, I believe in being sensible about it. I don't think we should all go wild and screw anything with a pulse. I just think that shaming others for something that's a natural part of us all needs to stop. Anonymous (age 38) * * * Dear Furiend, Sex and the Furry Fandom is a huuuuuge topic about which I could write a book. Indeed, more and more, I am thinking I will write a book about sex in the fandom. But I have two books I want to get done before that. Without getting too detailed on the history of furporn in the fandom (and that is quite the tale), I will address the many concerns and topics in your letter as concisely as possible. Firstly, for those unfamiliar with the term, dear readers, a "gooner" can mean a couple of things. In American slang, it can mean someone who is addicted to porn or, more specifically, the practice of edging (bringing oneself or someone else close to orgasm without actually climaxing). However, if you live in the United Kingdom, a gooner refers to fans of the Arsenal football club known as the Gunners. So, don't get football gooners confused with porn addicts hehe. Now for a whirlwind history of sex in the fandom. You are correct, sir, that the sex in art and fiction in the fandom goes back to the beginning of the modern furry world. Most people trace it back to Vootie (the first furry APA, which is a sort of limited edition magazine subscription) around 1976, when the first installment of Omaha, the Cat Dancer by Reed Waller and Kate Worley was published. Omaha was a comic for adults that had sex scenes in it but was not really porn because it had a storyline and interesting characters. (Pornography is sexually explicit material produced with the sole purpose of turning on the consumer). Actually, though, it goes back a little further than that when Fred Patten started producing a member directory for the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization (a precursor of the fandom) and this evolved into a kind of bulletin to which the members of the C/FO started to contribute art and stories, some of which were adult in nature. This led to the first fights in the early fandom even before we started calling ourselves "furries" in which members were upset that R-rated stuff was appearing in the directory. This was all back in the 1970s. Moving forward into the 1980s, we have the beginnings of people outside the fandom shaming furries and calling them "skunk fuckers" when furries were just a small group of anthro fans attending WorldCon and other sci-fi and fantasy conventions. The insulting term became quite common, and some furries even embraced it. A comic book anthology called Skunk from MU Press was released in 1993 with stories by furries and nonfurries alike. And, naturally, other comics came along (e.g. Genus) with lots of adult stories and drawings in them. There was more controversy about sexual themes with the first furcon, Confurence 0, in 1989. Although there were only 65 attendees, some criticized the con for allowing people to appear in suggestive dress (including Bob Hill performing in his Hilda the Bambioid fursuit). Fast forward to the late '80s and early '90s, and you get the infamous Burned Furs vs. Freezing Furs "war" in which the Burned Furs protested the proliferation of adult-oriented comics, drawings, and stories in the fandom and pushed for there to be a more family-friendly vibe to the fandom. The Freezing Furs were a short-lived effort to counter the Burned Furs and to say that there was nothing wrong with adult art shared among adults. The Burned Furs movement lasted from 1998 to 2001, was revived in 2005, first as Burned Furs II and then renamed as Improved Anthropomorphics, having a Live Journal site that petered out around 2009 (you can still view the page here Improved Anthropomorphics — LiveJournal). Now, there is nothing wrong in taking a position that you want the furry fandom to be more G-rated. The problem was that members of these groups started flame wars, often threatening each other with violence. Most unpleasant and unproductive to the discussion. Predictably, the efforts of the Burned Furs came to naught and there is more furporn on the internet now than ever before. Still, people get irked by this (although they aren't furry per se, there are people online now called "puriteens," who, as the name suggests, are young people online who want to cleanse the internet of porn). The more that people like the Burned Furs and the puriteens try to scrub the world of adult content, the more things stay the same. Of course, there are countries that have managed to block all adult content from their internet providers with sometimes humorous results. For example, when North Korea sent their soldiers to the Ukraine upon the request of Russia, the North Korean soldiers suddenly found themselves with access to online porn. They spent so much time jerking off to the images that they were useless in the field. You see, in North Korea, if you are caught watching adult videos online it can actually result in a death sentence. Pretty extreme! Whenever a society restricts adult urges to such a degree, the results are predictably bad. For example, Prohibition in the 1920s and 1930s led to organized crime distilling and shipping booze, which often led to gun violence; people also made their own booze, often creating such strong concoctions that drinking the bathtub gin they made could easily kill a person. After years of trying to ban alcohol, the federal government finally gave up and repealed the 18th Amendment with the 21st Amendment in 1933. Restricting sexual behavior has similar bad results. Whenever you tell people, "You can't have sex," they will want it all the more. This is why we ended up with, for example, the Catholic priest scandal. In my humble opinion, the problem the Church had with priests molesting boys (and some girls) for sex has been the result of their not being permitted to marry or to have sex in any other healthy manner. I don't think that the priests were necessarily homosexuals or pedophiles (as claimed by the Church). What they were was desperate to find some sexual release in another human being, and since they had access to boys in their church and had power over them to demand they keep quiet about their prurient activities, that is how they got their sexual release. (Note: this is my opinion, and I know many will argue against it, but I feel it is valid.) While we don't all live under such strict demands as those in the priesthood, many modern societies (including in the USA) are very restrictive of open sexuality (as you wisely noted in your email). When sexual restrictions are codified--such as in anti-prostitution laws--the results are quite damaging. In an article published in The Journal of Law and Economics ("Do Prostitution Laws Affect Rape Rates? Evidence from Europe"; Vol 65, No. 4, November 2022), authors Huasheng Gao and Vanya Petrova state: "Liberalizing prostitution leads to a significant decrease in rape rates, while prohibiting it leads to a significant increase. The results are stronger when rape is less severely underreported and when it is more difficult for men to obtain sex via marriage or partnership. We also provide the first evidence for the asymmetric effect of prostitution regulation on rape rates: the magnitude of prostitution prohibition is much larger than that of prostitution liberalization. Placebo tests show that prostitution laws have no impact on nonsexual crimes. Overall, our results indicate that prostitution is a substitute for sexual violence and that the recent global trend of prohibiting commercial sex (especially the Nordic model) could have the unforeseen consequence of proliferating sexual violence." Of course, certain laws restricting sexual activity are good to have, including laws against rape (which is actually a crime of violence, not sex) and against having sex with minors. So, I'm not saying all sexual behavior should be allowed--not by a long shot. I'm saying that restricting sex and sexual materials across the board is unwise. Even more influential than laws against sex are social prohibitions--because they are much more far-ranging in nature. If we took all such restrictions to heart, the only sex that would be allowed would be heterosexual sex between married couples and only for the purposes of reproduction. Everything else would be met with stringent disapproval to say the least. While American society has become a little more permissive over the years, allowing for sex between unmarried people, for example, and becoming somewhat more open to gays and lesbians, there is still a lot of disapproval in the air. All this contributes to my arguments for allowing porn, including furporn, to be available to adults. Before I go into that, I need to add the proviso that there is, of course, a bad side to porn. One is porn addiction, which is detrimental to one's life in that it can grossly interfere with work, school, personal relationships, and just having a life if you spend hours and hours consuming pornography to the exclusion of daily tasks. And, of course, the whole porn industry is highly exploitative of those who get drawn into making the videos, magazines, and other content. I'm not talking about that aspect of it, though. There are, in fact, positive sides to adult art, which can be a celebration of natural desires. When it comes to furporn, the visual and roleplay side of it can help us explore our evolving sexuality. Furporn can be a useful tool in this because it helps us to explore sexuality behind the protective mask, if you will, of fursonas. What I mean by that is that adopting another form in the shape of a furry character can buffer one against feeling embarrassed or guilty because of social stigmas that we have not yet overcome. For example, I have spoken to furries who say they use a fursona of the opposite sex to explore whether they might be gay, bi, or trans, or perhaps they adopt a dominant character in an RPG who would do things that they would fear doing in real life (or the opposite in which their fursona is a submissive lover who wants to relieve the stresses of responsibilities in real life). One can also explore a variety of fetishes within the relative safety of furry roleplay, which can help you determine whether or not you might wish to explore such practices in real life. Doing all this in, say, an online RPG also has the advantage of being an extremely safe form of sex (you can't contract an STI by looking at a monitor or your phone, can you!) Exploration of one's sexuality amongst consenting adults is a healthy way to grow and develop as a person. Those who shame people about furporn and other adult forms of pornography are very likely either unable to wrest themselves from a controlling society or are too afraid to admit they have sexual desires themselves. Criticizing people and trying to control content online (or anywhere else for that matter) is an attempt to remove temptation from their lives or to feel superior to those who, in their opinion, are immoral. A good example of this includes the various cases of politicians trying to pass "morality" laws or religious figures criticizing sex or homosexuality as "sin," only to learn later that the politician booked a massage with a gay sex worker or the religious leader has had several affairs behind his wife's back. As the Shakespearean line goes, "Methinks thou dost protest too much." To answer your question, no, I don't think we will ever do away with puriteens and Burned Furs and holier-than-thou types. Nor will those people ever get rid of pornography and human sexuality. My answer to the Puritans is that if you don't like porn, don't consume it. As for those who do, that's fine. Explore away. As long as you are doing things consensually, legally, and safely, you're fine. This is your life. Explore the world and explore yourself, including your sexual side. As long as you are hurting nobody else, do what you like. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I need help making sense of everything and I am kind of overstimulated by everything. My friends and Dad's side of the family support me all the way, but my mom and stepdad don't at all support LGBTQIA+. I came out to my friends as pansexual recently. My question is, "How do I make sense of all this and come out to my parents?" Eclipse (age 14, TX) * * * Hi, Eclipse, You are under no obligation to tell your mom and stepdad about your sexuality unless you feel comfortable doing so. The other thing you need to realize is that, at your age, sexuality can still be mutable. That is, you are still maturing and changing. When I was your age, for example, I still thought I was straight. It was not until much later I realized I was gay. Most people confuse puberty with maturity. They are not the same thing. Just because women start having their periods around age 12 or 13 doesn't mean they are mature yet mentally or emotionally. When it comes to these qualities, women reach mental maturity around age 22 or 23 (men around age 25 or 26). Emotional maturity for women is reached around age 30 or 32, and men (don't hate me, guys) around age 43 (you heard me). While your body may have matured by 14, the rest of you still needs time to catch up. Determining your sexuality is not merely a matter of physical maturity (this is a big reason why an adult man having sex with a 14-year-old girl is considered to be raping a minor). Eclipse, your teens and twenties are a time when you are discovering who you are as a person. Yes, one of these factors does include your sexuality, but we are much more than our sexuality. We are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings as well. We shouldn't define ourselves by our sexuality alone. When I introduce myself to people, I usually describe myself as a writer, publisher, and furry. I never walk up to someone, put my hand out for a shake, and announce, "Hi! I'm Kevin! And I'm a cis gay man!" What I'm saying here is that you should not push yourself to solidify your identity right now. In the same way you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person, what your interests in life are, what career you might pursue, and so on, you should still be discovering who you are sexually. It is not uncommon for people to discover this as late as their 50s, believe it or not. Am I saying you are not pansexual? No, I am not saying that at all. If that is how you feel right now, then you are pan. But be careful. Are you certain that you are not feeling this way because you are being influenced by friends to do so? There are many cases in which people, for instance, have felt that they have had to be trans in order to be cool. Announcing one is trans to teen friends can be viewed as being rebellious and edgy. There is also pressure from people--usually adults--to tell you that you are not trans or pan or bi or gay or whatever. If your mom and stepdad are anti-LGBTQ and you tell them about your sexuality at this time, you will probably experience a lot of negative pressure from them, a lot of casting of doubt. In a worst-case scenario, they might even try to send you somewhere for conversion therapy, which is still legal in Texas (and 21 other states). Conversion therapy is dangerous, to say the least, and has led many LGBTQIA youth to commit suicide or suffer other mental anguishes. My advice, as you can tell, is do not come out to your mom and stepdad. Now is not the time. And don't feel guilty about not coming out to them. You came out to those you felt would be supportive (good!) and you have not done so to those you feel would not be (wise). TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS In the meantime, continue to focus on yourself, continue to work on discovering who you are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is what your teens and twenties are for. No rush, Eclipse. Take your time, okay? Work on the full you! If you have any other questions or follow-up, feel free to write again. Good luck! Bear Hugs, Papabear I did not receive this in a letter, but it is a hugely important video that expresses Papabear's views about society's manipulation of people through guilt in order to maintain power (often through organized religions). It is a must-see. Truer words have never been put into a video. Hi, Papabear,
It's been a while since I've written; I haven't since 2020. But you were the only advice column I could think of that I actually trust and have used in the past. So, this is tricky and requires a little bit of backstory. Me and my current partner, Allie, met at our church, and we have a sorta secret relationship due to us being LGBTQ+. One of our friends, Liberty, knows. She's trustworthy, but she seems to think all secret relationships are the same: just a harmless relationship that people don't understand. And now because of her view on that, she (a 15-year-old) has gotten into a "secret" relationship with another friend, Malcom (19 years old). I'm guessing you can see the problem here. She's very sweet, yet she lives in a sheltered house, where she doesn't know much other than what her parents tell her, so she has a very "people only ever have my best interest in mind" sort of deal going on. She's told me her relationship is legal and safe as long as nothing sexual happens between her and Malcom, but I'm honestly terrified for her safety. I trust Malcom and I know he'd never hurt her, mainly because I've talked to him about this kind of stuff before when he expressed interest in her before they got together. But I'm so genuinely worried that something will happen. And I don't know if I can call them out for this being questionable, if not downright horrible, because I still love them both as friends and I know this would hurt them. But the other part in me has literally fought against predators online, and it makes me almost physically ill to see this happening between them. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that Malcom will use the power imbalance created by their age gap against Liberty. I trust him, but I'm worried that eventually my trust will prove to be misguided. This is also one of Liberty's first relationships that she's actually wanted to be in, and I don't want to take that away from her. But I need her to see the problems that come with the age gap. What do I do? Candy Bear * * * Dear Candy Bear, Short answer is: do nothing. It's really none of your business to interfere in other people's relationships, so stop working under the assumption that it is. Longer answer: Depending on which state you live in, the age of consent can range from 16 to 18 years of age. Your friend Liberty should be made aware that it would be against the law for any sexual concourse between her and Malcolm. Now, interestingly, if Malcolm were under 18, there are such things called "Romeo and Juliet Laws," which means that in some states, if both lovers are minors and both consent to sex and they are close in age (say, 16 and 17) it might not be considered breaking the law. However, that is not the case here. Be careful about assumptions, too. You might think that both Liberty and Malcolm are good folk who are telling the truth that no sex is going on (although the fact that you have doubts about Malcolm indicates you really do NOT trust him 100%), but let's face it: They are both at the "raging hormones" stage and may "accidentally" fall into mutual bodily concourse. According to the law firm Schmidt and Clark, there are other things to beware of when it concerns an adult (Malcolm) and a minor (Liberty) that do not involve literal sex directly, including:
Any of these things could be considered breaking the law, and Malcolm could face charges if caught. While I would not try to involve yourself much in their relationship, it might not be a bad idea to make your friends at least aware of these laws. You don't say which state you reside in, so I can't be more specific, so a little online research might help here. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse if you break the law, so being informed is important. Good Luck, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I need advice. When I was 16 or 17, I joined NSFW furry ERP [Erotic Role-Play] servers and I don’t know how long I can keep the lie up. I don’t know what to do, and I feel horrible for endangering the people in those servers who don’t know. I know I broke the rules and screwed up, but if I tell them, they’ll cut me out forever, and they’re actually very nice people who I’ve found solace with. The guilt is eating me alive. Please help. Nanashi (age 19) * * * Dear Nanashi, What you're asking Papabear is basically this: "How can I get away with being a liar and not face the consequences?" Now that you are over the age of 18 and permitted to go into NSFW websites, you are supposedly an "adult." Part of being an adult is taking consequences for your actions (this is why we have a 78-year-old candidate for president who is, IMHO, mentally still a child). Don't be like Trump. Suck it up, tell the truth, and take the consequences for your lie. If you apologize profusely, perhaps people will be okay with that and forgive you; perhaps not. But, you know, I am 100% positive you are not the only person who lied about your age to get on a NSFW site. That's kind of the problem with the internet. Porn is easily accessible to children who are unsupervised, and all they have to do is check a box to assert they are over 18 (if that). They might not have a credit card to use on pay sites, but there is no end to available porn for free. Also, IMHO, this is why I believe that furry adult sites such as FurAffinity, as well as nonfurry sites (X has tons of porn now, I hear [I left X when Twitter was bought]), should be pay sites to keep the porn away from kids. You're feeling guilty because you know you did wrong. That's a good sign. It shows you have a conscience. As the Christians are fond of saying, "Confession is good for the soul." So, you have two choices: 1) Be an adult, tell the truth, and face the consequences like an adult; 2) Say nothing and hope no one notices and let the guilt turn into an ulcer (ever read Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart"?). Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's a true answer. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
On days that I have too much free time on my hands, casual Internet browsing led me down an unfortunate road. First, I read one of your letters, and I felt aroused. Then, browsing e621, curiosity killed the cat, and I ended up enjoying these artworks. Am I just being influenced by the pornography I've looked at, or is something fundamentally wrong with me? If the latter is true, how do I remedy it? Thank you. Sergio * * * Dear Sergio, Furporn is just one form of sexual fantasy. Sexual fantasies are a window into exploring our sexual pleasures and identities, and they can also be a way of assuaging our feelings of guilt about our sexuality. Why do we have sexual fantasies? Well, when it comes to young people, their heads are floating in a bouillabaisse of testosterone or estrogen in which practically anything is a turn on LOL. Fantasies also have us dreaming of becoming more sexually attractive or arousing than we think we are in real life, or they might resolve sexual needs that are not being satisfied in real life, or they might be a way to "spice up" a current sexual relationship that has gotten a bit, shall we say, routine or humdrum. Anthropomorphized animal characters can be attractive to us because they express animalistic urges and needs. The symbolism is pretty clear. Animals strut about all the time sans clothing, and often we crave the physical freedom of being without clothes. Also, animals are not restrained by the sexual politics and social restrictions of human society. If they feel like screwing, and they can find a partner, they will screw with abandon. (Reminds me of a joke: How many microfurs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the usual two, but the trick is getting them inside the lightbulb!) Many furries find the fandom because of furporn, which is typically discovered online, but sometimes in comic book stores, too. I know I found it through Reed Waller and Kate Worley's Omaha, the Cat Dancer (although that is more erotica than furporn). Furporn not only serves as a release of sexual tension but can also be a way to safely explore our sexual curiosity, including experimenting with gender, in ways that "normal" society would frown upon. Hence, it can serve as a safe place to discover who we are as sexual beings. (It also has the advantage of keeping one safe from STDs and pregnancy). Do not be ashamed of such exploration. It doesn't mean you're a pervert. It means that you are exploring the physical side of yourself. In a way, furporn has some parallels with horror films: they both get us excited (in different ways), get the adrenalin rushing, while reassuring ourselves that we are safe and sound. My advice, then, is don't fret about it. After a while (by "while," I mean probably a couple of years), you'll probably lose some interest in furporn as the novelty of it wears off. Hopefully, too, you will find yourself in a healthy physical and emotional relationship by then, and you won't be too tied up in furporn. However, you might still find it helpful to give you ideas about what to do in bed for fun. Hope this reassures you, Sergio. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear:
I am in a bit of a pickle. I won't go into too much detail, but I have always identified strongly as female but with one big issue: this body is very much not. A while back I came to the sad realization that it can't be fixed (trust me, I've tried), and I just need to try to accept it as a harsh reality. In my efforts to do so, I created a new male fursona (a fancy cat who's a charming gentleman by day and a smooth criminal mastermind by night) designed to help me connect with and express it (I one day hope to have a fursuit, but it would have to be of THIS fursona for it to properly work with the body), but I honestly don't know how or where to even start (having of spent a few decades actively rejecting the idea). So my question is this: Do you have any advice on how I can use this new male fursona as a way to accept and enjoy the manhood that has been thrusted upon me? I know that this is a weird question and likely not one you're fully equipped to help with, but I figure I might as well try since I really don't have many places to turn to for this kind of thing. Thanks in advance, Confused Cat * * * Dear Confused, So, you are a male who identifies as female. At age 31 you should be old enough (past puberty and mentally mature) to come to terms with how you identify as a woman and not a man. In other words, you're trans. There is nothing wrong with this; it's just something you need to come to accept. Therefore, creating a male fursona in an effort to try to reconcile with "the manhood that has been thrusted upon" you is not going to work. Now, if you want to have a fursona (or fursonas) that are of different sexes and genders for the fun of experimentation and exploring your sexuality, there is nothing wrong with that at all. This can, in fact, prove quite useful and be a growing experience. But if you're just trying to deny you're trans, you're out of luck. Here is a very useful page that answers a lot of questions if you believe you are trans: https://www.pointofpride.org/blog/how-do-i-know-if-im-trans. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Its a hard pill to swallow to say I use furporn because people who use furporn to fulfill their sexual needs more often than not are looked down upon. Anyway, I was exposed to furporn early on in life and found out that I liked it and use it normally. I've had sex and had no problem with “getting started” or my overall performance. It hasn’t “watered down” my attraction to real-life sexual acts or desires but enhanced in its own way. But I sat down today and asked myself why do I still use furporn and why do I still like it? I felt as though it was childish, so I looked at a normal porn video and some pictures and noticed it's all the same. I like furporn because it has diversity. Colors, races, styles (etc.). My main question is, "What does this make me?" I wouldn’t consider myself a furry because I don't have any desire to partake in anything, being events, suits, and such. I simply just use furporn. I hope you are able to answer my question for me. Thank you for hearing me out and I hope I was able to bring a new perspective or anything of use to you and your journey. Anonymous (age 20) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for writing an honest letter that I believe will be helpful to many of my readers. Isn't it funny how true it is when you say that people into furporn are looked down upon (including in the furry fandom) and yet furporn and other "regular" porn proliferates throughout the Web, literature, movies, sex clubs, and on and on? Human beings are sexual creatures. This is natural. What is unnatural is how social (especially religious) institutions make sex anathema, sinful, a thing only for degenerates, something that should only be used for procreation, and you better not even masturbate lest you go blind and grow hair on the palms of your hands and cause the dinosaurs to go extinct (Family Guy joke). Complete nonsense. The elite and powerful in human society use guilt to control people into "behaving." The result of this is that a vast number of people have become neurotic about sex and many who try to repress their feelings later release their sexual tension in inappropriate, hurtful, violent, criminal, and truly sinful ways (i.e., e.g., rapists, pedophiles, spouse abusers, and priests molesting little boys or having sex with nuns). The truth is that it is MUCH healthier to have an active, playful sex life. People who have satisfying sex lives are happier and more mentally and emotionally balanced. Sexual fantasy is a part of this. There are many good things about sexual fantasy, the main one being that it is a safe way to stimulate the libido. It also helps you run through your mind many things that you might like to try with your consensual partner. In fact, talking with a partner about sexual fantasies can help you strengthen bonds you might not have known you had. Now, one might have some very "out there" fantasies that you wouldn't try on anyone (a common one in the fandom is vore fantasies, for example). You shouldn't worry about these. As marriage and family therapist expert Steven Ing wrote in a Psychology Today article: "Just as fantasizing about being a world-class jewel thief doesn't mean you're going to become a thief, having sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you're going to act on them. Fantasizing is our brain's way of projecting a future scenario or trying ideas on for size. It's also a way of reliving a wonderful moment or deriving comfort or pleasure from an alternative reality." And, of course, always keep in mind the Wiccan Rede: As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what you like. You certainly aren't hurting anyone by watching furporn. But it is also important to note the dangers of porn addiction. Judging by your letter, you are already aware that too much porn viewing can numb the senses and actually lessen one's real sexual activity, and you assert that your own libido has not been "watered down." Good for you :-) Further, you note that furporn is really no weirder than other porn on the internet. So, furry fantasies are just another type of imaginative RP of the mind. In short, you have nothing to worry about. Pretty much all sexually active human beings indulge in some sort of fantasy, so you are totally normal. Yours just happens to be furporn. Big whoop. You seem very aware of all of this and, IMHO, you are quite smart and in tune with yourself. You're mentally and emotionally healthy. Lastly, just because you like furporn doesn't mean you're a furry. It's not like, "Ohmygerd! I watched anthro wolves having sex! Now I have to go buy a fursuit and attend a furry convention!" Relax. The Fur Police aren't gonna knock on your door for noncompliance. Hope this helps. Remember, play safe and have fun! Thanks for writing! Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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