Dear Papabear,
Every time I think about my circumcision, I get mad. At first, I wanted to direct my anger at the "doctor" who cut off my foreskin, because I saw him as bearing the most blame/guilt. Since I was unable to find him, I thought of directing it toward my mom--at that time, I had thought "she's the one who signed the 'consent' form, without which the foreskin-ectomy would not have been done, so she's second-most responsible even if she did not give truly informed consent" and "my dad is just a victim, same as me; he's not responsible". Later, my mom apologized after she repeatedly saw me become upset whenever I thought about circumcision. A few days ago, my dad agreed to read the anti-circumcision articles I had read (I haven't sent them to him yet). Yesterday, I realized that, beneath noble reasons for sending him the articles like "Dad's talked a lot about honestly examining why one wants something. I don't want him to be a hypocrite, so I'll have him honestly examine 'why did I want my son to not have a foreskin?'", there was "I see circumcision as a crime, and I want the guilty party—my dad, since he's likely the one who first proposed my foreskin be removed—to know the extent of the damages; I want whatever revenge I can get". I’m /still/ bitter, even though I’ve made progress with foreskin restoration. I have two ideas for outlets (although they seem healthy to me, they might not be): 1) send my dad those articles. 2) play Skyrim, and role play my character as embittered by a bad experience he had; really get into the role (this is similar to my childhood tactic of “play violent videogame and pretend the enemies I’m brutally dismembering are the person I’m mad at IRL”, but with more immersion into the game world). I don’t remember how effective my childhood tactic was, so I’m not sure how effective this version will be. Do you have any suggestions for healthy outlets? Mitch (age 20) * * * Hi, Mitch, You may or may not have read this column in which the issue of circumcision is discussed in detail. So, I’m not going to go over circumcision again, and, instead, I am going to address the practice of letting go of one’s anger and resentment about things that happened in the past. With regard to your particular experience, you should first recognize that your parents (and the doctor who performed the operation) were not doing it to hurt you. They did it because they felt it was the right thing to do for you at the time. Even just 20 years ago, attitudes about circumcision were still in the “it should be done as a matter of course” phase. That has changed a lot since then, but your parents (and the majority of people in the world) were pressured by society’s norms to do what they did. (Not to make light of what you are suffering, but it could have been worse: be glad your mother wasn’t pregnant with your at a time when thalidomide was prescribed for morning sickness). I don’t think that either of your ideas is a good plan: both just continue to feed your anger and resentment. Your purpose of forcing your father to read articles about circumcision is a passive-aggressive act designed to hurt him (make him feel guilty) as a matter of revenge, and it won’t restore your foreskin. Hurting someone because you have been hurt results in an endless feedback loop of pain and suffering and only makes things worse, not better. Your mother already acknowledges what happened and, I believe, your father knows you’re upset, as well. That’s enough. (And, even if you found the doctor, what are you going to do? Yell at him? Try to hurt him, too? Pointless.) Similarly, playing Skyrim as a way to express your anger and hurt will only make you feel more angry and more hurt. Human beings have a tendency to respond to anger and pain with anger and pain. This, put simply, is why we have never-ending wars in the Middle East and Asia and it is why we have terrorists. I think you would agree that neither of these is a good thing, yet you are currently of the same mentality that leads to violence. It is the wise person (a rarity) who lets go of the past and looks, instead, toward the future. Therefore, instead of trying to get back at people, focus your energies on doing something positive. The first thing you can do is join IntactAmerica’s efforts and help spread the word about the negative effects of circumcision. Do this as a matter of educating people, not striking back in anger. But the other course I would recommend more highly is to do positive things in your life that have absolutely nothing to do with circumcision. Instead, they allow you to find something happy to do that gets your mind off of negative feelings. Join other organizations or causes and volunteer your services to make the world a better place. There are, quite literally, thousands of things you can do, depending on your interests. For example, I just read about the International Ocean Cleanup going on this September (and every year). Well, before I go into a long list of charitable and environmental exercises, I think you get the point. In other words, to relieve yourself of your anger and bitterness, substitute it with positive and joyful activities and causes. Look forward, not backward. Forgiveness is not an easy path. But you might start by buying your mother some flowers and giving both parents a hug. Tell them you understand they weren’t trying to hurt you and tell them you love them. You might be surprised how good this makes you feel. Love, kindness, and forgiveness are the true cures for hatred and resentment. It works. Trust me. Blessed Be, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear (Great Name)
I really want to keep this short. I do a lot of volunteering in my life when I'm not suited up and sadly over the last few years I've had devastation after devastation hit me. My mom has a terminal illness, my dad left and is constantly smoking, I suffer from autism and I feel sad and depressed all the time. I do a lot for people but don't feel nowadays that I can go on continuing to volunteer because I'm not having getting any "ME" time (time to myself) I also feel I've become more of a burden onto people, I have felt like not caring anymore because of how I've been treated. One thing I would like to know is to try and make me happy, are there any role-play chatroom websites where anything can happen? (I just want to forget about the real world because of all the crap I put up with it). Xoda Fox (age 25) * * * Dear Xoda, Bear hugs to you, dear furry. You sound like a very giving soul, and that’s a wonderful thing. I can definitely see why you would feel burned out, and I’m sorry to hear about your parents, especially your mom. Sounds like dad is coping by not coping :(. You are wise to recognize that some “me” time is a thing that everyone needs and it is not a selfish pursuit, either. When one is burned out, tired, unhealthy, one is of no use to anyone. You have to take care of yourself first, and then do what you can for others. When taking care of yourself, please balance this pursuit by addressing your Four Aspects:
If any one of these aspects is suffering, it will affect the other three. You ask about role-play rooms. Indulging in a bit of escapism might help your mental and emotional health some by easing stress ... or not. Papabear doesn’t spend time in such chat rooms (I’m too busy, frankly), but I do know you have to be careful in them. I have heard complaints that people actually get in nasty, hurtful fights online, and that won’t help your stress at all. A lot of these rooms—especially when it comes to furry ones—involve sexual role-play, and I’m not sure you want to go there, either, or if you should. You might try, instead, an MMOG such as World of Warcraft, which I understand is very popular and you can spend many hours in such a virtual world. The danger there, too, is that you might become addicted to it and not spend time in the real world. Instead, I would suggest you pursue a course of balancing your Four Aspects: 1) begin a regular exercise routine, which not only makes you healthier but also reduces stress, making sure to eat healthy, too; 2) exercise your mind by learning something new (e.g. take a class, learn a language, learn a new skill) or by playing games that make you think (e.g. online Jeopardy, crossword puzzles, math puzzles etc.); 3) emotional health—let’s get back to that one in a little bit; and 4) spiritual health: if you are a religious person, it’s time to readdress that part of your life (attend church or temple or mosque), or you might learn about other spiritual traditions, from Eastern faiths to shamanism to Wicca. Back to emotional health. Normally, I would tell people that volunteer work would be a great way to uplift your spirits, but it seems you’re having some trouble there. Someone has been treating you poorly at one of the places you volunteer? What a shame :-( I can’t comment on that too deeply because I don’t know the circumstances, but perhaps your solution could be something as simple as finding a new cause for which to give your time? Some nonprofit organizations, sadly, are troubled by cliquish behavior or administrators with huge chips on their shoulders, and that can diminish the volunteer experience (boy, have I been there!). You can try something else, or even try something where you don’t interact as much with people (such as fostering a pet or service dog—you raise a dog for the first year to 16 months until they are ready to be trained as guide dogs). Besides volunteer work, when it comes to emotional health, play and travel are helpful. And by play, you should really try something outdoors. Learn to fly a kite or go rollerblading or play basketball at a local gym. If you can travel, that is an excellent pursuit that can really help you emotionally, even if it is just going to an amusement park or miniature golf. You’re on the right track with your idea of adding some play time to your life, but, again, I’m not sure that immersing yourself in online role-play would be the wisest choice. And, before I forget, how about reading a novel? People seem to forget these days that getting lost in a good book is a wonderful way to escape the troubles of mundane life. Pick up a book! As a corollary to that, maybe try writing your own stories. That’s a way to escape, too. Or try art or music or textile arts. Another avocation that's very popular is gardening. There can be a lot of personal satisfaction in raising a beautiful flower garden or growing your own vegetables. I’m sorry I can’t help you more with online RP chat rooms. Perhaps some of my readers could suggest safe and sane and fun places to explore in the virtual world. Hopefully, some will comment on your letter, but I hope some of my suggestions may help, as well. Too often these days it seems--to this old bear--that people turn to their electronic devices for comfort, but there's so much more to life than a glowing screen populated by digitized characters.... Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I have been facing almost 20 years of hate, flaming, insults, and injuries since pre-k because I have autism (specifically, Asperger’s Syndrome), as well as being Bipolar 1. I have been called every insult in the book, injured many times and was emotionally abused by all my peers. In the end I was left wearing a “mask,” I guess you can call it, so I can try hiding my pain, but in the end, even now at 19 going on 20, I cry myself to sleep because their words and actions echo constantly. My family acts like they're there for me, but it feels like because I'm a furry they're pushing me away. They audibly say I'm an embarrassment to the family. But I can't move out yet because I have been unable to find a job. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope with this emotional agony I'm facing every day. Therapy doesn't help much and makes me feel more like an animal that they're trying to train to think or act differently. Can you please help or at least give me advice on what I can do? I'm sorry this is such a long one, but I needed to let this off my chest. Thank you. Terra (North Carolina) * * * Dear Terra, I’d like to give you a big bear hug right now and comfort you, you poor dear. That you are being abused for being autistic is an absolute crime. Unforgiveable because it’s not your fault. That your family adds to the emotional pain is even more sad, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you tried therapy, but disappointed—as you are—that you didn’t get quality help. The fundamental problem here is this: mundanes, whether they are family, friends, peers, or even professional therapists (scientific or religious), are often under the mistaken belief that if something isn’t “normal” then it is automatically wrong and should be “adjusted” or “cured.” Such people who want to change you fail to look at their own flaws and hypocrisy. For example, many people call furries furverts because of the sexual aspect, yet one of the most popular movies and books of recent days was 50 Shades of Grey, which is about two lovers experimenting with sexual bondage and other kinks (by the way, both literary and movie critics panned the book and movie as being low quality, but it sold well because it’s about kinky sex). That’s okay with mundanes, but getting a bit turned on by a naked furry isn’t? Hmm. And even with the sexual side disregarded (and many many many many furries are not interested in it), it is still considered strange to like anthropomorphized animal characters. And yet! One of the most popular films of recent times was Disney’s The Lion King, which, on stage, won a freakin’ Tony Award for best costumes! You know what those costumes were? FURSUITS dammit! and furry puppets! Talking, anthropomorphized animals everywhere. Sheesh. One thing you could do, then, is point out how misguided everyone is about furries, and what utter hypocrites they are about it. Concerning your Asperger’s. While you mentioned therapy, you don’t say anything about doing research on autism or getting help anywhere else. Did you know there are all kinds of organizations out there eager to help you? They can even help educate your family and assist them in coping with this situation. In your home state, please visit the Autism Society of North Carolina, and don’t be afraid to pick their brains for resources. You also need help on your job search. For this, I recommend two sites you should check out: the Asperger Syndrome Training and Employment Partnership (ASTEP) and the North Carolina Division of Vocational Rehabilitation Services. Both should be able to do a lot to assist you on finding work and becoming independent. And while you are working on the above, remember this: you have a network of friends out there who can support you and understand you: furries. Many of them know what you are going through because they have Asperger’s, too (just type Asperger’s in my search box on the home page of “Ask Papabear” and see the results). Reach out to them, as you did to Papabear (and I’m glad you did!) I hope this can help you in some way, Terra. If not, please write again. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I was circumcised for, if I remember correctly, medical/hygienic reasons. I was fine with the way I looked "down there" until I read several Psychology Today articles saying that circumcision had several negative neurological and psychological effects, such as increasing sensitivity to future pain, causing bottling in of emotions, etc. (the articles can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201109/myths-about-circumcision-you-likely-believe, https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201501/circumcision-s-psychological-damage). Other than "bottling in emotions" and maybe something else*, my symptoms occurred after reading the articles describing them, as far as I can tell. Is there any way to know for sure if the symptoms are simply the result of being told "if you are circumcised, you have these symptoms" or not? *I had to get surgery once. For some reason, I had to have an empty bladder prior to the operation, but I couldn't go while being in the same room as the doctor. Listening to running water didn't help, so I had to have a catheter. I cried from the pain of the insertion, and briefly entertained thoughts of torturing the doctor who'd put the catheter in as revenge (although I know that torture is unethical). I'm not sure if this is related to being circumcised or not. Alec (age 20) * * * Dear Alec, An interesting topic, and thanks for bringing it up. The jury is still largely out on whether or not circumcision is a good idea for males (to distinguish it from circumcision of females, which is definitely not a good idea). Historically, circumcision goes back to ancient Jewish tradition. Genesis 17:10–14 states: 10 This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised. 11 And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you. 12 And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed. 13 He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant. 14 And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. Among Jews, it is a religious rite called the brit milah. Christians do it, too, since they come from that tradition, although without the ceremony and in a doctor’s office, rather than at home performed by a rabbi (and, of course, not to say all Jews have a rabbi do it). As with some other commandments in the Bible, such as not eating ham with milk, the practice probably came into being for health reasons. Antibiotics had yet to be invented, and infections could easily be a death sentence. Today, being uncircumcised can still be problematic, and the Centers for Disease Control still recommend the procedure, saying that it can help prevent everything from urinary tract infections to cancer and HIV. This recommendation, made in 2014, reinforced a 1999 recommendation by the American Academy of Pediatrics. There is also a growing movement, however, away from the practice. My own mother did not believe in it, saying that circumcision was unnecessary mutilation. As a young kid who had to shower with the other boys after gym class, I used to curse her because I was so embarrassed to be the only one in the shower with a foreskin (indeed, a huge reason many parents in the past circumcised boys was they were fearful their kids would be teased in the showers at school). Today, I am thankful she left my penis alone.... More on that below. I have never heard of the author of the article in Psychology Today that you have here, so I looked up this Lilli Cannon on the Internet, finding her blog, www.moralogous.com, and the bio in it that states she is a “parent, wife, entrepreneur, thinker, armchair psychologist, amateur anthropologist.” None of these things makes her a physician or psychologist, so I would definitely take her advice with a big grain of salt. In fact, I’m surprised her article was published in Psychology Today. She’s an amateur, as am I, which is why my website clearly states I’m not a doctor or trained counselor. I also note that in her article she provides no links to scientific studies, only, bizarrely, links concerning animal welfare. In recent years in the United States have seen a downward trend because there have also been studies saying there are really no benefits and that it is, really, mutilation. An entire organization—Intact America—has been established to educate people about what it feels are myths about circumcision. Am I confusing you yet? Well, that’s because the medical community can often contradict itself. Here, briefly, is what I think about circumcision: 1) it is largely continued today because of religious and social reasons, not health reasons; 2) it is a simple way for a doctor to make a quick buck, charging $200 to $800 for the procedure in the United States; 3) yes, it is extremely painful to the infant and often done without anesthetic, doctors even once believing that newborns didn’t experience pain as much as adults do (that screaming didn’t indicate pain?); 4) while it is true that bacteria can grow under the foreskin, this is easily resolved with good hygiene practices. The reason you see higher rates of infections in places like rural Africa is because hygiene is more problematic there. Men with foreskins can greatly reduce their risk to be about the same as circumcised men by thoroughly cleaning the head of the penis daily, and also doing so immediately after sexual intercourse (if done without protection) or by simply wearing a condom (always a good idea, says my buddy Critter *tip o’ the hat*). Even though I don’t respect Cannon much because that article in Psychology Today was poorly done, it actually might be true, according to research I found (hey, Cannon, why didn’t you support your claims? sheesh). According to this study http://www.cirp.org/library/pain/taddio2/ circumcision can, indeed, cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, leading to depression, anger, and even suicide in later years. On a less-significant, but still important, level, the removal of the foreskin lowers the sensitivity of the penis and, hence, makes sex less pleasurable (thanks, Mom). Now, does Papabear believe that your circumcision led to your emotional issues? This is questionable for the reason that you state you didn’t have any problems until after you read the article by Cannon. It sounds like what hypochondriacs do, believing they have a disease only when they learn about it. If everyone who was circumcised became emotionally impaired, the world would be an utter disaster. Perhaps it increases such risks, but does not necessarily lead to them. As for your doctor visit, that could be attributed to anxiety—also, very odd that the doctor insisted on being in the same room because usually they hand you a cup and tell you to fill it in the bathroom. To answer your question, then, no, it is not possible to state for an absolute certainty whether or not being circumcised has affected you in some way. My advice would be to stop obsessing about it, because that will just create a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you worry, the more it will disturb you, the greater the risk of you actually becoming emotionally impaired. Don’t blame your “bottling in” of emotions on your surgery. Instead, look for ways to calm yourself, enjoy your current life as you are, and count your blessings. Look for the good in life and stop focusing on the bad, whether real or imaginary, and you’ll be much better off. Hugs, Papabear P.S. Circumcision can actually be reversed through surgery or, with the use of weights or elastic straps, nonsurgical procedures. Consult your physician if you wish to consider your options. UPDATE April 23, 2015 Here is a GREAT article provided by my buddy Furisky about the foreskin and the U.S. medical community. A must-read: http://madsciencewriter.blogspot.in/2013/05/the-foreskin-why-is-it-such-secret-in.html?m=1 Papabear,
Let me paraphrase this by saying I'm "quite young" as people want to say; just turned 21. But this is a question I've been thinking about for awhile and it's been bugging me. I've been in a few relationships since I turned 14, and each has turned bad. The first one was toxic from start to finish and was a nightmare in every sense of the word. The second was with my first girlfriend, and it was the best relationship that I had. We were loving and honestly thought we might have a future together beyond high school. We hit college and by the second semester she left because she wanted to "have fun outside of a relationship" and would go on to study abroad. My third relationship was exceptionally short-term; we broke up within a month after we decided we just didn't fit. The fourth turned sour after I left to study abroad myself and we just couldn't make it work. And all of this has made me wonder if I'm really fit for relationships. I won't say I'm not an overprotective type; I'm a huge worry wart. I get it from my mother; both of us think the worst out of every situation and always freak when we don't hear from loved ones exactly when we're supposed to. Admittedly, this behavior's driven me to try and have my partners not go out and party or have fun because I'm worried something will happen to them (mugging, assault, rape etc.) and when I don't hear from them for long periods of time I suffer incredible anxiety attacks. I'm just wondering if I should abandon relationships because of this. It might seem like a mountain out of a molehill situation, but to me it feels like something I can't change. I've tried to relax in relationships and be OK with everything, but I'm just always afraid I'll lose them, and it makes me a toxic person to be around when I can't handle the idea that they're possibly hurt or worse when they could just stay home and be safe. I know they should go out, enjoy life and so on, but I'm so afraid of that accident happening that whenever they do and I'm not around I just can't help but get mad at them for endangering themselves, even if I know the environment is generally safe! I just can't really figure out what to do, and feel that giving up relationships would benefit people who WOULD want to date me in the future; save them the trouble of putting up with a paranoid ass who'd rather they wither away at home than take chances and go out and have fun. La V * * * Dear La V, You are suffering from what psychologists call Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Instead of giving up any hope for a relationship, what you should do is find treatment for your GAD so that you can then go on to lead a more normal life that includes finding a loving partner. There are a number of treatments for GAD, ranging from seeking a psychotherapist to prescriptions for Xanax and other medications. You don’t mention seeking treatment in your letter, so I am assuming you have not done so and probably should. There could be a subconscious or unconscious source for your anxiety that is best addressed by a trained therapist. On top of such treatment, you should do whatever you can to reduce stress in your life. If you have an overly hectic schedule, review it and see what things you can cut out of the schedule to allow yourself some downtime. Also, make sure that you get 7-8 full hours of restful sleep a night. During the day, adopt an exercise routine. Exercise is an amazingly effective way to reduce stress. I recommend activities such as brisk walks, swimming, yoga, or tai chi. Before doing this, you might also pay a visit to your family doctor. Are you, for instance, taking any medications? Medicines containing amphetamines, hormones, blood pressure meds, and asthma medications all have the potential for causing anxiety as a side effect. A general physical can also tell your doctor if you have any issues that might need addressing (high blood pressure, for instance, or diabetes, or you might have food allergies that can affect your mood). Furthermore, there are things you can do about your diet to ease anxiety. Foods/nutrients that help ease anxiety include: food rich in B1 and B12 vitamins (beans, leafy greens, beef, pork, chicken, nuts, eggs, and fruits); carb-rich foods (beans, whole grain breads) have serotonin and lift your mood; omega-3 foods, such as fish, which have the added benefit of lowering your risk of heart disease; yogurt, soy, lentils, meats with high protein content. Foods to avoid include anything with aspartame (diet drinks and many other “diet” foods with this artificial sweetener) because aspartame is simply poison that can damage your nervous system, including your brain; caffeinated drinks are also a no-no; anything with a high sugar content (whether regular sugar or high fructose corn syrup; if you need to sweeten something, use honey, especially raw honey, or Stevia [Truvia®]); booze, tobacco, and illicit drugs should be avoided; artificial food coloring, too; processed foods of any kind, including stuff that is boxed, canned, or comes from a fast food place. Basically, the American diet is garbage and is making a lot of people physically, mentally, and emotionally ill. There is a lot you can do for your GAD, so don’t throw up your hands in despair and believe you are stuck with it. Once you have that under control, you will be better able to enjoy a healthy relationship. Good Luck! Papabear Should He Give Up His Original Career Choice Because His Employer Has Sucked the Joy Out of It?12/6/2014 Dear Papabear,
I admit, I'm concerned about talking about my problems because with how my life's been lately it does feel like I have a laundry list of problems. However, I do have a specific topic I'd like to focus on, so I'll try to adhere to it: my concerns regarding my career path. When I was in college, I majored in theater, something that I've discovered is one of the hardest subjects to build a successful career in. Specifically, what I focused on was making costumes, so at first I figured I could use that to get a career in the fashion industry. Unfortunately, now that I find myself working for a company that specializes in designing, manufacturing and shipping garments, I'm finding myself more unhappy than ever; the pay's barely over minimum wage where I live (and will be the minimum wage at the start of next year), I don't connect with any of my coworkers, there's no indication that the job is going anywhere, and my boss has managed to convey three rather concerning things to me: she doesn't care about my problems, she would rather have a situation arise where only I have to suffer, and she appears dead set on making sure I continue working for the company. Since joining, I've found myself less and less enthusiastic about sewing in my free time, my sleep schedule's been out of whack, and I've been finding myself experiencing physical pain in my stomach and back at times while at work, especially at times when I feel particularly stressed. I want to talk to my doctor about this, but with the pay I receive, my abnormal work hours (7 a.m.-3:30 p.m. most days, not counting the 45-60 minute drives to and from work) and the number of things I already need to set money aside for between pay days, I'm concerned about whether I can afford to schedule a doctor's appointment. I understand that my health is important and I shouldn't be neglecting it, but with how my job's set up right now I'm not exactly sure how I would be able to maintain my health. I've been given a list of local theaters I could apply to, though I've been told the positions would primarily be volunteer positions. I'm not sure I'm in a position where I can afford to not earn money, and I don't have enough time in my schedule to be able to do both things. I've been asked to consider going back to college for a two-year degree in something that's more profitable, which I'd honestly rather not do because none of the jobs that my therapist presented to me that are in high demand in my area sound like things I'd enjoy. I've been trying to connect with some of my old college professors to ask for advice, but so far this has proven fruitless. Ultimately, I guess that the question I'd like to boil all of this down to is this: was it a mistake for me to major in theater when I was in college? I love theater, drama, the creative and performing arts, and would like to believe that I could still find a career pursuing this, but is such a belief just naive, wishful thinking? I'm worried about admitting this concern to my therapist, since I feel like his responses to my concerns have started becoming formulaic and impersonal. I feel like if I were to admit these things to him, he'd just state some variation of “you should be happy you even have a job” or “there are other people in the world with the same problems you're facing” or the like. I understand these things already, specifically because they've been statements that have cropped up repeatedly in our sessions already. I'm sorry if I'm going overboard or pushing my boundaries in terms of keeping this to a single question. Thank you for at least taking the time to read this; I look forward to hearing your response at a time that works best for you. Sincerely, Valeyard (age 23) * * * Hi, Valeyard, This is the third time you’ve written me about an issue, so I am flattered you have come back. Let’s start by tackling the health issue. Judging by your letter, I would say your stomach and back pain is caused by stress. You might even have an ulcer. One question I would have is: if you can afford a therapist, why can’t you afford a doctor’s visit? Do you not have insurance? You know, at 23, you are still able to have coverage under your parent’s insurance for three more years; also, with your low income, you should be able to find affordable insurance under the Affordable Care Act. You actually are required to have insurance, so, with that, a doctor’s visit should run you about $50-$60 bucks. Take care of your health, hon. That’s a top priority. A lot of your pain could go away, however, if you resolve your work problems. Do I think you chose the wrong career path? No. I think you have the wrong company. You don’t need to go back to school if you have a college degree in a field you love. Many people make an excellent income in fashion design, and you can, too. If I were in your paws, I would start a job search coupled with networking my brains out with everyone I could think of who might have a job lead. Also, if at all possible, do not limit yourself to a specific location. The wider you cast your net, the more fish you will catch. Leave yourself open to possibilities—including other areas of the theater besides fashion (so many choices, such as stage design, sound engineering, or even areas like promotions and marketing and producing), and you might be surprised by what is out there. In the meantime, to gain some satisfaction, you might try a little freelance on the side. As a talented sewer, have you ever considered making fursuits? A good fursuit goes for $1,000 and up a pop, and you can do it from home in whatever spare time you might find. If that doesn’t interest you, how about costume accessories for furries? As a fan of the theater, I would bet you like things such as period clothing—sewing costumes with a Medieval or Pirate flare, perhaps? Steampunk? What fun! You could start your own business (a website is ridiculously easy to create and inexpensive to start these days) and sell your original creations. You can start by approaching local shops with your clothing and seeing if they will put some in their stores, selling your creations yourself online, or, if you get really inspired with designs, there are companies that will assist you with taking your concept from sketch to factory manufacturing. A good example of this is Maker’s Row at http://makersrow.com/. The American business world has changed dramatically over the last generation. The traditional work model of being hired by a large corporation and dedicating your vocational life to it has gone to the wayside. Entrepreneurship and cottage industries have blossomed with the help of our Internet culture and computer technology that has brought manufacturing within reach of the small businessperson. This is a world of digital and 3-D printing that is truly stunning. You can print books on demand, or order a special shirt just one at a time, and I even saw a young man who designs athletic shoes that are customizable and producible right inside a local shop. People with creativity and a little business chutzpah are the ones who will climb out of the minimum-wage hole that is beloved by Corporate America and find themselves standing in the sunshine of opportunity. So, no, don’t go back to school to get a degree in some field you don’t give a rat’s buttocks about. Instead, you must rediscover the joy of fashion design and the theater that your current employers have sucked out of you. Find it, grab it, cling to it, and it will be your key to a happier life. Good luck!!!! Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, I admit, I was strongly considering writing to you about these issues for a while but felt like it might be in bad taste, considering the previous submissions were regarding issues other people I knew were facing and how I wanted to help them through them. I always feel bad whenever I try to talk about myself because I don't want to run the risk of seeming clingy or selfish. Anyway, in regards to the health issues, when I said I couldn't afford to go to the doctor's, I'd meant in terms of having to take time out of my work schedule, since the job doesn't offer benefits, not even for people working full-time, save for occasional paid vacation days, which tend to fall on holidays and are only grouped over one or two days. In terms of looking in other venues in theater, I also have some acting experience and have worked on props and in wardrobe for a few shows. Furthermore, I'm also learning about audio equipment and recording since I'm also in a band (lead vocals and keyboardist), so that's something also I guess. In addition, voice over is something else I've recently taken interest in, though I'm still working on getting confident enough to feel comfortable recording myself. ...Now I'm worried that I'm trying to do too many things at once. I guess this was partially what I meant when I said I felt like I had a laundry list of problems. I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was in grade school. I'm not trying to pin that as the cause for any of my problems, or use it as an excuse for why I'm struggling with things, I just thought I should mention it in case it might be relevant. But I digress. Unfortunately, understanding the business side of theater was something that I'd neglected looking into while at college. The job search places that I've spoken to, including the career center at the university where I studied theater, have sadly demonstrated little understanding of theater-related business also. I was told that I would need to build a portfolio if I want to apply for costume-related jobs, though I received little assistance with actually learning how to put one together. I guess that these are things I should consider getting assistance in through networking? I'm sorry if I'm coming across as making excuses at this point. -Valeyard * * * Hi, Valeyard, I've received many letters from furries with Aspergers. While that can be a challenge (depending on how strong or mild the case) you can certainly work and function in society as many have done. So let's table that issue, unless you feel it is really hampering you. I imaging your therapist knows about it and is working with you on it. And please, never feel "clingy" or "selfish" because you nee to reach out to someone with a problem and need some help. That is what being a human being (or furry!) should be about: helping each other in a communal society. Never feel like you have to apologize to me. Concerning the doctor: whether it is money or time you are lacking, it doesn't matter. If you are ill, seek professional medical care, please! Again, it's a top priority! So, back to career. A portfolio is a simple thing to do. All you do is gather together samples of work that you feel is your best and represents well what you do. Put it in a folder or put it in electronic form, it doesn't matter. All a portfolio is is samples of your talent that you take with you to show to prospective clients or employers. As for your other talents, such as music and acting, it's all good. Many professional actors are also singers and musicians. A lot of actors got their start in other areas, too (Harrison Ford helped build sets, for example, before he was hired to play Han Solo). Being multi-talented should be a plus, not a minus. If you wish to do actual stage work, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get involved in your local community theater. Some of these are purely amateur productions, others are supported by Actors' Equity; with the latter, you're more likely to get paid. You'll likely have to get in at the ground floor, meaning unpaid. If you truly want it, if it is your burning desire, you will make the time to do this. If not, if you are just too afraid, or if you cannot surmount the anxieties brought on by your Aspergers, or if you spend too much time making excuses, then you are much much less likely to achieve your dream. Talk to your therapist about your goals and ask what you can do to rise above your disability to live the life you wish to live. Or, even better, tell yourself, "Screw Aspergers! I'm going to live my dream!" It's all about having confidence in yourself. Lack of confidence, overly developed humility, a sense of shame or guilt, these are all things that hold you back. Can you do it? If others can, you can, too! Here, my friend, is a list of great and talented people with Aspergers who can inspire you:
People in Entertainment
I'm not pressuring you to try to imitate their achievements, but if they can reach the stars, surely you can make a living doing what you love! Do it. Papabear Hey Papabear,
We spoke many months ago: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/his-friend-asked-him-not-to-tell-his-family-about-being-furry. Anyways, there has been some things going on with me. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at an early age, my symptoms are is that I can't take a person's sarcasm seriously and I tend to miss cues, I repeat words or phrases under my breath consistently (echolalia), I have a tendency to smile, and I mean, SMILE. Even if its something that is supposed to be sad or serious, even if its not funny. and I also have trouble interacting with regular people, furry or no. But the best part about it is that I can blend in with regular, "normal" people. And lets just say in the fandom, people with Asperger's are NO exception. As much as people could possibly notice it IRL, I thought, well, I can remain anonymous on Twitter, and no one will EVER know the difference, unfortunately, after a mishap with a couple furs, they could tell instantaneously. Everyone has their own little quirks and stuff. But for some reason, I just have a problem being open about it, because I feel like people will give me special treatment or sugarcoat it when I do my little quirks, which, if you were to get to know me enough, you'd notice it. Anyone would. Even though there is an autism-awareness group on FA, I still feel like furs are ableist, and I can't really be open about it, otherwise they would reject and possibly exclude me or not want to hang out with me simply because of it, so I just hide it, trying my best to blend in with the "normal" furry crowd. Then again, furry isn't technically, "normal" now, is it? :| So, its almost as if I'm trying hard to be sure that I don't mess up, but when I do, one of the best things about noticing my disability is that when I mess up, unintentionally or not, I do apologize and try my best to do better, and everyone makes mistakes regardless of age. But with me, its like one mistake and I have to be on alert to make sure I don't do it again, which is why I usually ask people, "What is the one thing that ticks you off the most?" or something along those lines. I honestly have no care to join the autism part of the fandom if people are gonna subject me simply because I'm overly quirky and do things that most people wouldn't do. So, what should I do? Should I keep it a secret and not tell anyone? Or tell someone in exchange for them giving me special treatment for something I can't control, regardless of how hard I try to stop it? Or... introduce myself, get to know them for awhile, and THEN be open about it? What should I do? :| Wolfthorne * * * Dear Wolfthorne, There are many people in the fandom with Asperger’s; a number of them have written in to this column. Papabear’s theory is that because people with Asperger’s and other forms of autism typically have a hard time dealing with “normal” society, they find refuge—and some sympathy and empathy—in the fandom. You don’t say whether or not you are getting any treatment, but let’s assume you’ve gone that route already and understand the various treatments available to you (http://psychcentral.com/lib/treatment-for-aspergers-disorder/000878). As you probably know, then, a strategy that benefits Asperger’s sufferers is to establish life routines. Having a comforting feeling that you know what is expected of you each day and you know what will be happening for much of your waking hours can be very helpful and soothing. Also, avoiding distractions is important, and getting regular sleep (keep TVs, video games, and stereos out of your bedroom and reserve that space for rest only; otherwise, you will likely not get enough sleep). Finally, when facing a large task in life, instead of trying to imagine how to do the complete task all at once, break it down into digestible stages and tackle each small stage one at a time. Furry environments can be very counterproductive to people with Asperger’s because they can be overstimulating. If you go to a furmeet or con, there will be all kinds of noise and distractions and vibrant activity happening all the time, which is almost a guarantee that you will have an adverse reaction that will kick in some of your troublesome symptoms. Therefore, I recommend to you that you take your furriness in small doses. Try to meet furiends on a one-on-one basis in mellow environments, such as in your bedroom. When online, instead of entering a chat room, likewise just IM people one at a time. From there, you might slowly work your way up to small groups doing specific activities. When you interact with your friends, you should, indeed, tell them you have Asperger’s, and if they don’t know what that entails, explain to them what they can expect. That way, if something happens, they aren’t surprised and don’t withdraw from you thinking you’re “weird.” If they have any intelligence at all, they will understand that your sometimes-frustrating behavior is a symptom of your condition, not a personality flaw. The above goes not only for your involvement with furries, but with friends, family, and coworkers in general. When people understand what they are dealing with, they are much less likely to be shocked and come to the wrong conclusions, which should make your life easier to a certain extent. Hugs, Papabear [Note: this letter is a correspondence that occurred over a couple of days; it is quite long and deals with the subject of anal stretching, so this one isn't for the young furs. The letter writer wishes to be anonymous for obvious reasons.]
Furry: I have a fetish that is harmful to myself and has already resulted in some damage. I have abstained from doing so for some time but I am still watching pornography that relates to it and I am worried I may succumb to my desires and become mutilated. Do you have a solution? * * * Papabear: It would help a lot if you could tell me what the fetish is. Write soon. Papabear * * * Furry: I didn't think it necessary to specify. I apologize, but I find it hard to talk about. It seems to be a f****d up masochistic desire to have an extremely dilated anus and the insertion of any large object. This disturbs and repulses me and I haven't really acted on the feelings yet. It started in my youth, so the thoughts are hard to get rid of. I personally believe brutal electroshock therapy is the solution to this, but it's not legal to my knowledge anymore. Your thoughts, Papabear? * * * Papabear: I'll answer in more detail soon, but, for now, my advice: hold off on that electroshock therapy. You're not as weird as you think you are. Many people fantasize about being penetrated by huge penises, and some even use huge toys that most people would consider monstrous (I know a guy who can stick a two-liter bottle of soda up his anus). Keep in mind the physical dangers of this fantasy being real, and we'll talk some more soon. Papabear * * * Furry: Your friend has mutilated himself and a fetish that results is such disfigurement is a negative thing in my eyes and as well as many psychiatric professionals. Insertion to the point of having a mail box for a anus or having to seal it with duck tape before you go to work in the morning requires a sick sick person but I'm not oppposed to someone doing what makes themselves happy. I'm absolutely for that freedom. Anyone could take a razor blade and cut off their lips and yank their teeth out to increase capacity to suck a horses member for example but would thinking that is a sane decision be normal? I have a dilemma and my state of mind is clearly unhealthy. bleeding, piles, fishers, prolapsed rectum, incomplete bowel movements, incontinence, bladder incontinence, weak bladder, possible infection of the colon, even the sphincter seems to prolapse on some people. And people encourage them. I cut myself sometimes. I find it relieving. I do it in moderation. I even sanitize the wounds afterwards, but I'm told that's a negative thing by most people; that strikes me rather odd. Your friend is in a special place or deep down is ashamed of what he's done to himself. Thinking in purely logical terms, it seems wise to have some moderation I have seen enough videos on the Internet to see that these people are pretty relentless in their goals to insert large objects but don't seem to care that their anus looks like the Mariana Trench. Often young men, these people are going to have a lifetime of discomfort; this is an issue that needs to be addressed and I expect it's fairly common. Don't get me wrong, though; personally I love getting things inserted into my rectum, but people need moderation if maintaining continence is something they would like to keep. I know this is not a question, Papabear, but nothing bugs me more than this. What poses a person to be totally accepting of such extreme self-mutilation? * * * Papabear: I agree. As I mentioned in the earlier letter to you, you have to be aware of the physical dangers here. I didn't realize the extent of your fetish. For some people, putting a large dildo inside the anus is very extreme. If you're talking about putting such large things in there that you are destroying your body, then this is symptomatic of a mental disturbance that requires the treatment of a professional. Have you consulted a psychologist or psychiatrist? My belief that your desire to stretch yourself out to the point of harm is that you are actually punishing yourself as a result of some kind of psychological trauma or a deep-seated psychological need. For instance, that friend I mentioned. When I asked him why he did that, he said he "liked to feel like I was being filled." I took this to mean he had a feeling of emptiness inside him. The guy craves love and has had no luck in that area. I think that if he found a faithful mate, he would stop doing it. To understand why you desire to hurt yourself, I would need to know more about your past. There is something going on here that just treating the symptoms won't help. What was your childhood like? Did you ever face a serious emotional trauma? My guess--and correct me if I am wrong--is that you were raped analy at a very young age. And now you wish to punish yourself by torturing your anus because of the guilt you are feeling. But it could be a number of other things. Something else in your life that makes you both sexually aroused and desirous to punish yourself. Do you feel comfortable telling me about this? If not (or even if you do), I would very much like to recommend you seek a professional counselor. I'm sorry if my earlier response troubled you. Please know that I am in no way making light of your situation. I will try and help the best I can. Papabear * * * Furry: I was not raped from what I recall, but I am a masochist and I do feel the need to punish myself frequently. Your insight into the mind is impressive. I'm unsure why I have the need to or want to insert increasingly large things, but I only know that the sight or thought of it is the most arousing thing I think of. When I watch porn I don't watch it to see the people; I only watch videos mainly of people inserting things into their rectum. The larger it is the more arousing it is to me. When I'm done pawing I feel disgusted. The first time I tried to insert something large in my childhood, or what was large to me at the time, was after seeing a horse with a massive erection while fishing. After that, it was a long-term fetish, I believe, but I'm unsure why. It's so intense to me. I have a number of other fetishes, even two paraphilias, but it's unrelenting and concerning me. I'm beginning to think I may accept it and not be ashamed of it, even though it's clearly wrong to do this to myself. I'm very conflicted, but I think fighting this urge is the right thing to do. * * * Papabear: Yes, I encourage you to try to not harm yourself, of course. Understanding why you do this, though, is key. Extreme anal stretching can be seen as a form of masochism. It is theorized that masochism might arise for a number of causes: 1) as I suggested earlier, you may have been a victim (or even just an observer) of extreme inappropriate sexual behavior; this then becomes your model for such behavior and the only way you can be aroused; 2) you may have been prevented from practicing normal sexual behavior, and the result has been that you, needing some release of any kind, found an alternative way to express that need; 3) you are feeling disturbing emotions of anger, aggression, and guilt because of some other trauma, but these feelings are suppressed and then released in an inappropriate manner (similar to cutting oneself, which is complementary to your anal fetish, it seems); and 4) there is also a theory that people develop an array of different sado-masochistic behaviors because they never learned how to form healthy relationships with other people. While you can try to prevent the behavior by sheer force of will, still the best way to heal yourself is to get professional help. Your issue is an extreme form of a type of sexual addiction. You might, therefore, try Sexaholics Anonymous at http://www.sa.org/. Their website is excellent and helps you find meetings in your area or, if none are available, other ways to contact people and get the support you need for free. I hope that helps. Write again if you have more questions. * * * Furry: Don't have a extremely dilated anus, but I have caused myself a rectal prolapse of which I'm waiting to be addressed by my county's NHS [National Health Service]. It's a discomfort daily. I must say thank you for your advice Papabear, but I mean to ask: I am attracted to humans; I think I'm bisexual with a strong leaning to the same sex. If I am attracted to a female emotionally it's because she's a tomboy, so that suggests I'm primarily homo-romantic, I believe. I haven't had a mate. I mainly RP and chat with a small group of furry friends on the Internet. I'm soon to move to live with my father for a while and I seem to have a unhealthy attachment to a stuffed animal Bolt. Specifically, I do so because I pretend he is my mate in some capacity and having him to hug provides instant comfort no matter how I feel. I fear without him I would suffer greatly. This may be discouraged or frowned on, but I'm going to do it anyway. * * * Papabear: Didn't mean to say you did have a stretched anus yet. If you're having trouble with a rectal prolapse at your age, then it sounds like you've already been doing a bit too much with your anus, though. Your bond with the Bolt plushie tells me you definitely have a hole in your heart that needs to be filled, and I strongly suspect this is connected to your fetish. I hope you do contact SA. As for the rest, was there a question there or were you just giving me more information? * * * Furry: I don't know why I was taking like that I suppose I just actually can't get over the shame of what I have done to myself. It's killing me. * * * Papabear: Have a look at this; perhaps it will help. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-steps-to-move-through-shame-fear-and-regret/ * * * Furry: Thank you Pbear, you are more helpful than I ever thought you would be. * * * Papabear: You're welcome! Please write again if you need to, any time. Dear Papabear,
I having been having dreams lately really arousing dreams. Each dream seems to have one word at the end like a puzzle. I asked a hypnotist about a *ahem* penis enlargement mp3 file she posted on YouTube and ever since I've been listening to it, every time I see a horse I get aroused. I look at their penises and my penis becomes erect within seconds whereas around humans it takes a few minutes to get an erection. It's like my penis was trying to connect with theirs. I love horse penises, with a passion. I even had a dream where a horse was having anal sex with me. Now I love all animals, but I'm afraid that if I am attracted to horse/animals sexually everyone will think I need to be sent to jail or an insane asylum. Is this wrong? Should I feel ashamed? Thanks for your time, Buster * * * Dear Buster, Among zoosexuals (zoophiles), the most common types of attraction are either for dogs or horses. Equinophilia is not uncommon, and is a result of a couple of factors, including physical attractions (many find the horse’s rump quite erotic, and, of course, there’s the large penis on stallions), and also emotional (after dogs and cats, perhaps the most important bond between humans and other species is that with the horse, which has been a valuable companion to mankind for centuries). The first thing of note about sex with horses is that, while a male such as you mounting one from behind isn’t dangerous (except, possibly, for sanitary reasons, so wear a condom), being on the receiving end of a horse’s penis can literally be lethal. Some people, therefore, limit themselves to stroking the horse’s member and enjoying the rather abundant ejaculations. So is it, as you say, wrong to enjoy sex with a horse? Should you feel ashamed? As with anything else about sex, it is a matter of perspective. Some of my readers might note that, in a famous page from history, Catherine the Great of Russia set up a contraption that allowed her to be under a horse and receive its penis in style and (relative) comfort. No one put her in prison because, well, she was in charge, wasn’t she? In modern America, sex with a horse is actually illegal. Interestingly, the law was put on the books only after a man died in 2005 from a torn colon. People who are advocates and apologists for zoophilia assert that zoosexuals most of the time actually have romantic, kind feelings for animals; that the other animals often enjoy the experience; that sex with animals is not abusive; and that zoophiles would never deliberately hurt another animal. As with anything, there are exceptions, but, for the most part, it is not a destructive relationship. Is zoophilia a mental illness? Well, that would be like saying that homosexuality is a mental illness, which some people do, in fact, claim. I would say merely that it is a deviation from the norm. In terms of Mother Nature, it is not “normal” because it will not produce offspring, but you and I and many other people know that sexuality is not just about procreation. It is also about emotional and mental well-being. If you find comfort and happiness in sex with a horse and your actions are not hurting you or the horse, then I would go with the Wiccan view and say you’re okay. However, it would not be unwise to seek out the advice of a sex counselor to explore why you feel the way you do. Not to necessarily “reform” you, but just so that you can gain a better understanding of your feelings and what is going on inside your head. You said that a hypnotist turned you on to the idea of penis enlargement, which somehow led you to horse penises. Why were you talking to a hypnotist in the first place? I was a little confused as to what came first: the hypnotherapy or the equinophilia. The final factor of which you should be aware, of course, is the social implications of what you are doing. Knowing that the majority of people will disapprove of your actions will make life tough for you when it comes to sex—even harder, I dare say, than it is for LGBT people. So, exercise caution and discretion. And, it’s always a good idea to seek out others like yourself so that you have sympathetic ears. There is an organization called ZETA: Zoophiles Engagement für Toleranz und Aufklärung (don’t worry, their site has an English version) that would be an excellent source for you. Please check it out to learn more. Hugs, Papabear First off... I love what you do, helping others. Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep reading.
Now, to the real reason I'm typing this up. Asking for help. There are so many things wrong with me right now I can't even begin to pick just one. Let's see... Father hung himself a month ago, I suffer from bipolar disorder and IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). My father was an alcoholic. I'm addicted to video games (Though that's going away), and the reason I'm writing you. See, I'm 21 years old, however mentally, I'm only 18 and... Well... I just can't get started with my life. I haven't been able to get a job (or I just can't hold one if I am lucky enough to get one). So both job and college are out of the question. I want to go into college though for Information Technology, but, again, can't get a job and I don't want to be in student debt until I'm in my 40s or 50s (My mom finally paid off hers). I'm living with my mother, and I'm beginning to feel like a burden on her. I'm asking her for money left and right, and owe 2 hospital bills equaling $2,400 for going into Behavioral Health for attempting suicide. Even now, as I write this, it makes me want to cry for all the reasons that my mother were to have if she hated me (which I know she doesn't). I can't get a girlfriend... That requires a job so mom doesn't have to go on my dates with me. I don't want to have to apply for disability for my mental issues but... It seems like I have to go that way. All my friends are happy, everyone's got a girlfriend (my best friend even got his pregnant). Every day, I keep wondering where my sweet princess is. I've tried going gay, just so maybe somebody could love me, but I've had to break a lot of boys hearts by saying I'm not gay. I just want to DO something with my life, I don't want to be just another statistic. I catch everyone saying "You're young, you should be enjoying your life." Well let me tell you something Papa Bear, I'm not... The only time I somewhat do is when I'm playing my video games, and when I play online, I'm not even that good... My K/D ration on Call of Duty is TERRIBLE! (That probably was over your head). Anyway just PLEASE help me! I can't stand it anymore! Sincerely, Nightmare (Pennsylvania) * * * Dear Nightmare, My deepest sympathies for the loss of your father. It surely makes everything else you are going through seem even worse than it would under less unfortunate circumstances. I am sorry for your loss. Yet, you mention his tragic passing so briefly, I have to think you are trying to minimize thinking about it. He was an alcoholic, too, which likely was a symptom of other things troubling him. It could also explain or contribute to your IED. If you are subliminalizing it, that pain has to come out somehow, and a violent emotional eruption like you see with IED would be one way. If the IED diagnosis occurred after your father's death, that could be your explanation. Next word of advice to you: lose the name. Pick something more cheerful than “Nightmare” and you’ll be surprised how it can affect you. Another thing that strikes me is that there really isn’t much difference, mentally, between a 21 year old and an 18 year old. Not sure who told you you were like an 18 year old, but that’s a silly thing to say. Unless you mean regarding education, such as you are 21 and should be at a college level but you’re still at the high school level. That might be so. Your IED and bipolar disorder might be holding you back. But that doesn’t mean college is not an option for you. In fact, did you know you could be eligible for a scholarship based on mental hardships? Go to the National Alliance on Mental Health website and you can find all sorts of information to help you, from legal rights to best colleges to select based on their access to mental health for students. Search for possible scholarships on FastWeb and GoCollege, and you might be surprised by what you find. You can enter all kinds of variables to discover interesting scholarships; it’s not all about just academics or athletic ability. Some bizarre scholarships include some for people who are really into potatoes and asparagus, a scholarship for people who work at delis, and one for people who are interested in lawn sprinkler systems. You can find almost anything if you look hard enough. I also advise those interested in college to consider attending a community college for the first two years. The reasons being: 1) it saves you a TON of money, and 2) you’ll get smaller classrooms and better professor-to-student ratios. Then, transfer your credits to a university for your junior year. (Actually, there are many interesting careers you can get into with a 2 year degree that earn good money, such as paralegal or LPN). It helps, too, to find out what universities have cooperative agreements with which community colleges so you can transfer all or most of your credits. Finally, you can also explore work-study programs. About your hospital bills. Have you tried calling the hospital and arranging some sort of payment plan or, even better, seeing if you can get them to knock down the price given your economic issues? You’re 21 and unemployed and suffering from mental illness; there are things you can do. Start with the hospital you went to. Most good hospitals have a financial aid office—almost like a college! Contact them and discuss the issue calmly with the representative there. Don’t give them bullshit, but tell them exactly what is going on with you financially and they will work with you. You can also consult a regular debt counselor if the debt is too overwhelming for you. About your mental illnesses—I don’t have to tell you that you should be on medications and/or receiving other treatment for your disorders, especially since you have attempted suicide at least once already. You are very vulnerable right now and need help. Have you tried group therapy? You need to know you're not alone and that you can lean on people for help. Because of your illness and circumstances, you could be eligible for Medicaid, and I would explore that immediately in order to get your bills covered. For eligibility requirements and information in Pennsylvania, go here. Do not worry about finding a girlfriend (or boyfriend) until you get your mental health and income issues settled. That’s enough for anyone at any one time. Of course, if you just happen to meet someone and fall in love without even looking, then bless you and go for it. But I wouldn’t spend a lot of time and energy on it until the other issues are in better shape. Don’t worry about what your friends all have (and getting a girlfriend pregnant is not necessarily a good thing); this isn’t a competition; this is your life. Envy will just make you feel worse, so don’t worry about what they are doing with their lives. Just worry about your own life. Oh, and don’t worry about the Kill/Death ratio, okay? If playing a video game helps you relax a bit, fine. Just don’t spend too much time playing them. The good news for you is that all of your problems can be solved, if you are willing to work on them. I hope that what I have written here will nudge you in the right direction. And don’t forget to change your name. Creating a positive environment is a big part of the battle. Complementary to this would be to play happy music, decorate with cheerful colors, and look for the little joys in life that are around you. You can do it. You just need a bit of a kick in the butt! *Bear boots yer butt* HUGS, Papabear |
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