​Hello, 

I just wanted to make a point. I live in NYC and recently visited the Museum of Sex. It's a pretty good museum, but in one of the exhibitions I saw a Furry head-piece. Although I am not a furry myself, I found this offensive since it was displayed around a number of curious sexual devices. 

My first thought was that being a furry isn't just about being sexual. I think that there might be a general misconception about what makes Furries tick. I think most non-Furries joke about Furries in a sexual context, and that's not right. 

Anyhow, just FYI, it might be a opportunity to set something right and email the NYC Museum of Sex.

Oh yeah, question. Do you agree with this notion, and what are your thoughts?

Love, 
Abel

* * *

Dear Abel,

Ah, yes, the Museum of Sex, LOL. It does indeed contain some furry paraFURnalia, some of which was loaned to the museum in the past by fursuit pioneer Robert Hill. Here is a photo of a display that, it seems, is no longer at the museum:

Hi Papa Bear! 

I was wondering about your stance on interspecies dating? I identify as a Blood Moon Night Fox. I recently attended a convention where I met a great person who identifies as a Tiger Shark Female. We have been communicating for several months now and I've contracted feelings for her. However, I am more on the conservative side and only believe the only kind of cross breeding can happen when ligers and mules are made. Do you think a fox like me and a shark like her can make this work or stay as friends and keep my morals and stick to land animals? I would very much appreciate your wisdom and input. Please write soon!

Furambe (male, age 23)

* * *

Dear Furambe,

I'm not going to post this on my site because my answer might be a bit blunt for you. [Note: I obviously changed my mind for reasons readers will see below].

Um... you are not really a fox and she is not really a shark, so, are you kidding me? You're both humans. If you like her, see if she will go out on a date with you.

Papabear

* * *

Excuse me but seeing as you're a very noticed character in the furry community how dare you imply I am "just human." That is seen as kinphobic and racially ignorant.  You might take your furry status as serious as a lot of us do "Kevin," but it is seen as phobic to the full extent. I trusted you but shame on you Mr. Hile. 

* * *

Hi,

Not sure why you are putting my name in quotation marks, but okay.  I am not racially ignorant or kinphobic. You are talking about things that don't exist. You are not, in reality, a fox, and she is not, in reality, a tiger shark. To assert that you are is to lose touch with reality.

I realize there are people who identify very closely with their fursonas. I myself feel that bear is my spirit animal. But I don't fail to recognize that we are all, including you, sweetie, Homo sapiens.

To say I am "phobic" is to say I am afraid of furries. No, I am not. 

What I am trying to say is that you are making things unnecessarily complicated with your love interest because you are both humans, like it or not. That's not phobia. That's not racism. That's reality. And you need to get a firm grip on it, hon.
....
Actually, when you think about it, your fears about whether being mates with another "species" is a problem the very definition of racial fear, is it not?

I also note that in your email response you are not actually male, but female [email not printed here, nor is the person's real name]. I am wondering, therefore, whether your original question was really not about furry species but, rather, the fact that you are a female in love with a female? Is that the real issue here? If so, then, again, I would say that you should go with your feelings and pursue the relationship.

Papabear

Dear Readers,

This is a good example of how sometimes people bury their problems in their fursonas. While having a fursona (or several) can be a fun and creative way of expressing oneself, it is worthwhile to note that sometimes getting lost in fantasy is not healthy. That is why I decided to publish this letter exchange.

I never heard back from this writer. I hope I will someday.

Hugs to all....

Dear Papabear,

I don't want to beat around the bush. I am, obviously, a furry and I got a girlfriend and she is not ok with it. This bothers me a lot, but I never say that to avoid further, sometimes even embarrassing, discussions.

To give you some background: I always loved cats and by pure chance I discovered Nekos which in term led me to the furry fandom quite quickly. The first time I joined a furry chatroom was about two years ago, but I haven't gone to any furry conventions yet. I already was in a relationship with my girlfriend at this point. I didn't think the fandom would stick on me like that, but I quickly found friends and I'm friends with them to this date, although we live on different continents and rarely do something together outside of the chatroom.

And I yiffed and yiff to this day, though less frequently than before.

I admit, I shouldn't. To my girlfriend, it's cheating, to me it means nothing. I also know that she thinks of people yiffing left and right when she hears the word "furry" and a friend of ours, also a furry, is a good example of this. When we discussed about them, i tried to defend me and the fandom, but I can't make her change her opinion on them.

But I do love her! She means more to me than anyone else and leaving her is not an option for either of us, but I don't want to torture her or me by keeping it secret. I'm certain that I can change my behavior about yiffing, which would make the situation manageable, but I cannot change her.

I don't want to betray my girlfriend and/or myself. How do I convince her that furries are not a group of people to hate?
 
Fia (the Braixen) (age 18)
 
* * *
 
Dear Fia,
 
Your girlfriend, like many other non-furries, believes that the fandom is about kinky, weird sex. You and this other friend, by apparently indulging a lot in yiff, have reinforced this conception she has.
 
Since you assert that you love your girlfriend and don’t want to lose her, and since you also say that you are willing and able to cut down (or perhaps eliminate entirely) your yiffing behavior, I would start there. I would then recommend you try to expose her to all the great stuff in the fandom that has absolutely nothing to do with yiff. To change her views about the fandom, you see, she needs a lot of evidence to contradict what she has already seen and heard about furries. Here’s a pretty good article about misconceptions and the fandom published in the UK’s Guardian.
 
Because you started off on the wrong paw, you’re going to have to do some damage control, and this will likely take quite a bit of time. Be patient and diligent, and hopefully she will come to see that the fandom isn’t just about fuzzy kinkiness.
 
Good Luck!
Papabear
​

Hi Papabear,

When I was trying to figure out my gender identity, I finally settled on 'agender' because it felt right. I can't explain it...but I suppose it's the same as knowing yes, you are male, or female, or etc.! It's a gut feeling, IMO.

This isn't a letter about gender identity at all, though, heh. I bring this up because of the term 'furry.' I have two fursuits in the works, I'm wild about animals, and I like some furry stuff, but I really don't identify as a furry. The term doesn't feel right to me -- not because of the fandom's reputation (I'm past caring about that) but because I just...well, don't identify! The same gut feeling as when I figured out my gender identity.

(This is also not to say that furry is a gender identity or anything. Just using a comparison.)

However, I'm reminded of that old saying: "If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..." etc. I like fursuits and some furry stuff. Does that mean I owe it to myself to take on the furry label? I always considered myself just a person who likes costumes, animals, and good art. I also have plenty of hobbies outside the fandom, so it's not like I can't read a book or watch a show if there isn't a talking squirrel in it. 

I've had a friend tell me, "Well, if a guy liked only guys but refused to say he was gay, wouldn't you raise an eyebrow?" The answer to that is no: I respect people's labels even when they fly in the face of my own reality. Thing is, other folks are probably gonna think I'm in denial, and I'd hate to be seen as dishonest or immature.

Sorry for the long, winding letter, and thanks for all you do,
Wee Lioness (23)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Wee,
 
Here’s a little secret: Papabear hates labels. People are much more complex than that, and trying to fit someone into one category or another can be an exercise in futility. For example, I could say I’m a gay man, but being gay is just one aspect of a much more complex personality. I’m also a furry, but I don’t go around introducing myself to people as a furry. I’m a writer and editor, too. I’m an amateur philosopher. I’m a brother. I’m a boyfriend. I’m Caucasian. I’m American. I’m a Virgo. I’m a spiritualist. I’m an empath. You see where I’m going with this. You know what I say when I introduce myself to people? “Hi, I’m Kevin Hile.” I’m not a label; I’m me.
 
Just because you like some furry art, fursuits, and some of the stuff associated with furries doesn’t mean you are now required to participate in any furry community activities, nor are you “denying you’re a furry.” The talented woman who made my fursuit, Beastcub, is not a furry, but she loves making fursuits for people. Maybe you’re like that. It begs the questions, doesn’t it, as to what really makes a furry? Obviously, it’s not what you wear or what you call yourself that matters. It’s what you are comfortable with, and if you don’t want to call yourself a furry, then don’t call yourself a furry.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

​Hello Papabear!
 
First I want to say how much I have enjoyed reading through your past letters and responses. The advice you give helped me answer a lot of questions that were arising inside of me.

Well, recently I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be part of the furry community. I'd always had a touch of furry inside of me, knowing about the top webcomics like Kevin and Kell, Fur Will Fly, and The Class Menagerie. I've always loved anthros, coming more from the Disney and Sci-Fi school of thought like the OG generation, and my favorite novel series are Brian Jacques "Redwall" books, which were a huge influence on me wanting to be a writer. 

I didn't keep up with pursuing the fandom in high school sadly. It wasn't the perceived social stigma, so much as I was not aware of anyone else I could talk with about the fandom and my interest laid dormant from graduation, through college, and through post collegiate life. I did encounter furs in college, but they were more ... exclusive, we will say ... about who they accepted and once again my interest retreated back inside.

Well, a couple months ago I befriended several people with ties to a different fandom who happen to be furries and I found myself remembering my old interest and fun at the anthro art and comics. I started diving a little deeper than I had since I was a kid, and learned about many top people in the community, and even for the first time discovering there is a literary side to it that is as healthy as the art. This intrigued me a lot...I've always fashioned myself as a writer, and even though I have a degree in photography too writing was my first love but it fell away, as no new ideas came to me and I fell into a creative funk that became mild depression. Couple that with anxiety disorder in a high-stress work place, the depressive nature of the news, and other factors in my personal life, and I consider my furry friends lifesavers for my sanity and creativity. I found that spark again to write and currently am having my first go at an anthro story. I have a novel outlined I'd like to attempt to but I'm digressing from the main point.

My question is that I'm ready to accept my furriness and embrace it, but will I be thought of as another "wannabe" trying to be something they're not? I'm still terrified after the snub I got in college that coming into the community after being an outsider for so long I'll be looked at as some sort of poseur (no fursona to speak of and not yet a member of any furry social media). The fandom is something I want to involve myself in and be part of the community and bring what talents I have to help keep it alive. The friends I do have have been accepting, which gives me hope that once I make myself known more, that those fears will fall away. But in the back of my mind, I still have those self-sabotaging doubts.

Thank you in advance for reading this and I hope I was not a rambling bore. 

Best regards and best of health,

Rakkety Tam (age 29)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Rakkety Tam (love that name—how’d you come up with it?),
 
I completely understand this letter in many ways. As a writer myself, for example, I get what you are going through in attempting your first novel. I also understand the fear of not being accepted by the furry community, especially as an older furry. The times I’ve been to the Prancing Skiltaire party, for example, I felt like the complete outsider because it was nothing but young people (well, couple of older ones, including the hosts, of course) and they already had their cliques and all that. I stopped going for that reason. It’s also why I started the Facebook Greymuzzle Group for furries 30 and older (contact us on your next birthday) so that older furries could chat with each other more comfortably.
 
That said, two things are true here (in my experience): as a whole, the fandom is accepting of pretty much anyone, regardless of age, sexual preference, nationality, race, religion, etc. etc. However, it is also true that local groups of furries form, and each group can have its own microculture. Sometimes that culture is open and accepting, sometimes it is elitist and cliquish. A lot of this depends on who becomes the “leader” of the group. Their character as people will generally define the nature of the group they run. I’ve had people write to me at this column singing the praises of their local furry groups, while others feel completely ostracized by theirs. That group you met in college was not one of the better ones, apparently.
 
Just because you had a bad experience there, though, doesn’t mean it’s like that everywhere in the fandom. Indeed, I would say the bad groups are in the minority. You yourself note that while that college furry group was not so inviting your other furry friends have been “life savers.” You just need to keep socializing with more furries and establishing your furiends network, which will evolve over time.
 
You’re not a “wannabe” at all, Rakkety. Indeed, in my experience it is more common to see younger furs who are poseurs and who later drop out of the fandom because they just did it to try something different. It’s the same reason many young people do things like coloring their hair purple or getting a nose piercing. They are trying to find themselves and their creativity, but this period ends for many people who become “adults” and drop their furry pursuits because they are “childish.” Probably way over half of the under-20 furries you see now will not be involved in the fandom after they get regular jobs and start raising families and paying taxes and worrying about their mortgages or rent.
 
If you are still a furry in your late 20s, 30s, 40s and onward, you are hardcore in my book. You are furry for life, not just because it’s cool or outrageous, but because you have a furry soul. Papabear considers you a furry in my book. And, even if I didn’t, who cares? You aren’t a furry to please other people but to please yourself. So, enjoy the art, the comics, the books, and good luck with your writing! (I’d love to see it!)
 
You’ll make friends, don’t worry.
 
Bear Hugs,
Papabear