Write to Papabear

Getting Caught in the Middle of Two Arguing Friends

2/27/2018

Dear Papabear,

I hate to be a pest, but I got another issue here I need advice about. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

Essentially, I have two friends in the fandom. When I went to my first convention in 2017, they were best friends with one another, practically inseparable. Then later that year, after a bad experience at another convention, and increasing tensions between one friend and the others partner, they now hate each other. That was some 7 months ago, and they're still not on good terms.

I wasn't there to witness what happened for myself and only got info through IM, so I refuse to judge either party and rather keep both as friends. Granted, one of them I only became friends with because the other one was their friend once upon a time, so we were never that close to begin with. Even so, he's never done any harm to me, and nor has my closer friend for that matter.

Well this year, I'm going to be attending the same convention I went to last year, and as I think you can probably guess, both of them are going to be there. They pretty much refuse to talk to one another, but I have spoken to both of them about each other and begged them to not get into any confrontations. The one not as close to me insists he won't, but the other gave me answers that I honestly didn't find to be that clear. As best as I can figure, his answer is essentially "it depends".

For one thing, if they do fight, I may end up feeling forced into choosing one over the other, which I seriously don't want to do (albeit I think it's fairly obvious the one closer to me would be the one most likely to stick). I was in a similar situation once before nearly a decade ago. I was friends with A, then friends with B, then A and B were friends, then A and B fell out, then I was only friends with B, and before I knew it, I was friends with nobody. I might as well have been friends with zero. It's hard enough for me to make friends to begin with; I don't know how many more I can lose!

The other thing is that this I don't attend multiple conventions a year. I'm crossing an ocean to see these guys, among other furs, and have used much of my hard-earned savings to do so. I do not want my one convention of the year to be ruined with them two having an altercation. Good grief, last time, one of them gave me their soda to look after for a short time, and once I'd lost it, I moped for the rest of the day about it. He told me to stop worrying about it because, as he said "it's just a soda", but it was fruitless. I still worried, like I always do.

What can I do to be sure that they don't end up fighting one another? Not just for my sakes, but for the both of them, too. I don't care who "started it" and I'd rather things be the way they were before, but the chances of them being able to "kiss and make up" are slim to nil.

Honestly, I feel like I'm starring in a really bad melodrama!

Cheers,
Anonymous

* * *

Hi, Furiend,

Furry drama—or drama of any sort involving anyone—is usually cheap, petty, and involves misunderstandings. Let's start with misunderstanding. Currently, you are operating in the dark. You don't know what started their argument at all. So, if I were you, I would ask each of them what happened first. After hearing their stories, it will likely be a lot easier for you to, if needs be, pick a side. I mean, it could be that one of these guys is being a total douchebag and it will be easy to pick. On the other hand, it could be the result of a total misunderstanding or a completely minor situation blown out of proportion. If one of these lesser offenses is the case, you could very well act as an intermediary and show them the error of their ways, which might, in turn, result in a reconciliation. But you can't do any of that unless you know the facts so get those first.

With luck, things will turn out all right. But there is also the chance that one or both of them is being a drama queen and will refuse to recant or relent. In that case, you can try just being a friend on an individual basis. If they try to make you pick sides, just tell them you prefer to remain neutral as their argument is between them. If that still doesn't satisfy them, then either pick the person you feel is the most likable or back away from both people; your choice. Just don't allow them to manipulate you into a fight that is not your battle.

Hugs,
Papabear

P.S. Don't sweat the small stuff like losing a soda. No biggie.

1 Comment

Friendship Jealousy

1/24/2018

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Dear Papabear,

I've written to you a number of times, and I'm sure you know I've seen my fair amount of stress in my life thus far. There is someone I have mentioned before, one of my first friends in this fandom, and one of my closest friends to date. Basically, we both went through a lot together, and she was a breath of fresh air after the long time I spent isolated socially.

But the thing is, there is another person I'm gonna refer to as "Z" who a bunch of us met a while back. Z, no offense to him, just isn't the kind of person I really like. He is a little over the top when it comes to dirty jokes, and seems like he never could take something seriously, despite the fact half a year ago I saw him be serious. But then again, half a year is a long time.

Basically the thing is, when Z popped up, my old friend started spending more time with him. And yea this isn't bad, but it caught me off guard a little. He came out of what seemed like nowhere. This isn't something that bothered me, but eventually things like her drawing endless amounts of art for him, almost flat out ignoring if the three of us are all in the same room, and straight up acting more like Z than how she did before. And although I am severely angry at my brother for snooping Z's phone he promised he wouldn't, it turned out some NSFW things had happened with roleplay between them, as well as Z and almost everyone else I knew in that friend group. It didn't help my liking toward him, but I did realize that was private and isn't something I should be concerned about or really even know. Me and my old friend had actually dated in the past, and split over a matter of sexual orientation, so I couldn't decide if this was affecting it or not as well.

It’s no surprise to me what this is: jealousy.

I have spoken to her a couple different times, and she has debunked a lot of worries I had. Like drawing a lot of art for him, his fursona is good as a template tester since it's not very complex. But for some reason it always keeps coming back to me, and I just don't know what to do.

I think part of it is she means a lot to me after everything that has happened, and I am just scared of being abandoned. I lost T.R. before (albeit in a much worse manner than this), and I still get scared of losing those close to me now.

Bottom line: what can I do to end this jealousy over my old friend and Z. It's been bothering me for months by this point.

Sincerely,
ScarTheFur

* * *

Hi, Scar,

Friendship jealousies in the fandom are quite common and are usually tied to one’s insecurities. The first thing to be done is to acknowledge that jealousy, recognizing it for what it is, and you have done just that—good for you. Next, you need to think about why you are jealous, and you have done that as well by noting that you are afraid you will lose you will lose her like you did T.R. and you will be abandoned. A third thing to do is to talk about your feelings and fears with your friend, and you have done that, too! My goodness, you are three for three so far. Excellent.

The only thing left is to figure out where to go from here. When we form friendships, we typically find that different friends fulfill different needs in our lives and enhance us and complement us in different ways. For example, Papabear has friends in the fandom with whom he can talk about furry stuff, but he also has friends who are not furry with whom he shares other interests, such as politics, religion, outdoor activities, movies, going out to eat. None of my friends fulfills all my interests, but all of them together do.

You talk about how Z is not like you in their sense of humor and, apparently, interest in furporn. These are things that your long-time friends seems to find interesting and so they have glomped on to Z pretty hard, spending a lot of time with them. This often occurs with new friendships but usually dies down a bit after a certain amount of time. Your old friend denies preferring Z to you, and I would take them at their word for it. It is just an early fascination.

What you need to do, then, is target the things that you and your old pal have in common that you can share and that have little or nothing to do with Z. Say (just making this up) you are both into Pokémon Go and Z isn’t—then spend some time playing that together. Be the friend that fulfills interests that Z can’t or won’t.

The other thing is to diversify. Like a stock portfolio, it is unwise to invest all your emotional cash into one or two friends. That way, if one of those friend’s stock crashes (i.e., they abandon you) you’re not left all alone. I’m not saying that will happen, but it’s just wise not to lean too heavily on just one person.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

Papabear

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She's Having Trouble Making Friends after the Family Move

12/14/2017

2 Comments

Hi,

Well, I just moved which has been quite hard on me. On top of that I just started my freshman year of high school. Now I feel like I don't have anything in common with anyone there and even if I do they all hate me. This mentality may have been founded in the fifth grade where I realized, or maybe imagined, that my "friends" weren't really that. I felt excluded and like they all hated me. I never really felt connected to any of them and was really awkward around them; of course, my fifth grade self didn't realize that but now I do.

Time skip to eighth grade. That had probably been my most enjoyable year of school in a while. I really connected with my friends there--they weren't the same ones in elementary school--despite my small issue at the beginning of that year and (not major) self-harm fits over the course of that year. Anyway, I really liked them. I never invited them over, though, because thoughts that everyone hated me still lingered. The best part of that year, I'd have to say, was going on the 8th grade trip. No thoughts of them hating me, just fun.

Anyway, that was the summer we moved, this summer. It got really bad when we moved. "Everyone hates me!" "I hate everyone!" Things that make me seem like an emotional teenager. But that's when it got really bad. I started actually drawing blood in my self-harm escapades and have thought about suicide in a positive way on way too many time for it to be healthy.

My parents are amazing and have a lot of stress on them right now (we're still remodeling our house so we're renting right now). Honestly, I don't know how my "depression" or whatever this is even started with such great parents. And if I'm being completely honest the only thing that has stopped me from suicide is them.

On a side not,e I'm also very socially awkward and don't enjoy being around people too much.

I know I need to tell my parents about this, but how? I don't want to put stress on them. Plus I don't even know what I'm going through...

Please help.
-Atlas

* * *

Dear Atlas,

I am SO SORRY this reply has taken so long, but here are my thoughts now....

First of all, just a quick check: do you suffer from some form of autism (e.g. Asperger's) or social anxiety syndrome? If so, that, of course, could explain why you have a hard time being with people.

I suspect that's not it, but just wanted to check to be sure. I'm also concerned about your self-harming, which needs to be addressed, and your thoughts of suicide (suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255; this national hotline is staffed with professional counselors to help you any time of day or night).

I understand how hard it can be in school to socialize. I was pretty much an outcast myself and had a hard time making friends. My family moved a couple times when I was a kid, and it took me years to develop friendships, if at all. But while you say you don't enjoy being around people, you also say that your happiest times in school were when things were going well in 8th grade and you had a lot of good social interaction. Seems to me you DO want to socialize, but the process intimidates you.

The first thought that came to mind was trying to look outside the school environment to make friends. You could explore volunteer work, or get a part-time job, or join a club, or get active in your church. Such places have very different social dynamics than schools do and it might be easier to get out of the clique mentality that exists in schools.

Another thought is--if you would rather avoid people for now--try and do something with animals. Do you have a pet? Bonding with a pet can be very therapeutic. Or you could--similar to the above--find an organization, zoo, nonprofit, or whatever that helps animals. Working with and playing with animals does a lot for us in developing empathy and affection with another living being. And this could help, in turn, form an entryway that will lead you to better relationships with human beings.

Here's an article about human-animal interactions and their benefits in young people.

I'm glad you have good parents. Talk to them about what you are feeling. Do NOT think that you are bothering them or stressing you out. They LOVE you and are there for you. To break the ice, maybe start by asking them if you can have a pet--if not now, then when you move into the real house. When they ask you why you want a pet, say because you want friends in your new home and an animal is a good way to start.

Please write again if the above was not helpful.

Hugs,
Papabear

2 Comments

Abuse in the Past Has Resulted in Trust Issues

10/30/2017

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Dear Papabear,

Lately, I have been feeling down and lonely quite often. The problem is I kinda prefer to stick to my old friend and not struggle to talk to new people. Do you have any advice?

Lara X (age 20)

* * *

Hi, Lara X,

When you say "stick to my old friend," do you mean just one friend? How is your relationship with that friend? Many people struggle to talk to new people. Telling me a little more about your life and background can help me to provide feedback.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Well, yeah, it’s mostly one relationships with new people don’t seem to last long and we get distant. As for my past life, I unfortunately grew up watching my father abuse my mother and sisters, and kinda feeling guilty for not also getting hurt. This has given me a distrust of most men, which is awkward considering I’m gay, but I also have a distrust of women because almost all of the girls in school used to bully me. This has caused me to be pretty lonely and to limit who I talk to.

Thanks for your time and patience.

Hugs,
Lara X

* * *

Dear Lara X,

I can understand why you might be socially shy, given your past. I don’t know why your father didn’t abuse you the same way he did your mother and sisters, unless it’s because of your gender (i.e., he would only abuse females), but please don’t feel guilty about that. Bottom line on that part of your life is that it is NOT your fault; it is your father’s fault. Assign blame and guilt where it is due. You are guiltless.

Recognizing you should not feel guilty is Step 1. Step 2 is to realize that just because your father was an abusive douche doesn’t mean all men are like that. As for women, your experience in school is pretty typical. Schools can be horrible social environments where kids who are seen as outsiders in any way are picked on and abused by their peers. Like packs of wolves seeing a weakness in a non-alpha, they swoop down to nip and bite you (both boys and girls do this). In your case, because of your father’s abuse, you were probably shy going into school. Kids sense that and go on the attack.

Okay, so, I’m hoping now you are out of the house and well out of high school. Getting out of negative environments is key to your mental and emotional well-being. What you need to do now is try to put the past in the past and focus on where you are today.

The good news, I believe, is that you have recognized and accepted that you are gay (some people drive themselves nuts for years refusing to believe their own identity). The other good news is that you have at least one friend, so forming friendships is not an impossibility for you since you’ve done it before.

The key to finding new friends is to start in a comfortable environment. Since you are gay, I would recommend that you look within the gay community and other people who are similar to you and will more likely empathize with you. See if you can find a gay men’s social group near you; I would not recommend gay bars (and certainly not gay clubs) at this point, since they might be overwhelming. Anyway, you’re looking for friends, not hookups.

See if you can find a social activity with gay members. A quick Web search, for example, shows me that there are several LGBT Outdoor Clubs in Wales. There is also the South Wales Gay Men’s Chorus (if you like to sing). If you visit the Meetup website and enter some appropriate parameters, you are going to find some social meetup groups, too. So, give that a shot.

Finally, don’t push yourself to make a lot of friends all at once. Start slowly, making one or two new friends to start. What often happens after you get a core group of friends going is that these friends will, eventually, introduce you to their friends, and so on and so on. Before you know it, you’ll have dozens of friends and probably some of what I call “good social acquaintances” who are not close friends but fun to hang out with. It is the lucky person, after all, who has more close, sincerely genuine friends than he has fingers on one hand.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

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Getting Over the Fear of Toxic People

7/16/2017

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Hello, Papabear,

I don't know if you remember me, specially with the new name, but maybe my email will remind you.

You helped me become a whole person, to get out of an abusive relationship that scarred me for life, and to begin to love myself.

I took a huge step in recovery last week by finally closing the book on that ex you saved me from years ago. It was scary, a bit upsetting to see him living so happily after destroying me, but I felt a million times lighter and content.

Unfortunately the same day I lost someone very close to me in a very ugly way. I was standing up for my other friends when he was acting out of line, and the things he said ... all I could see was the words flying out of the shitty people in my lives mouths.

He was a totally different person, he didn't care about any of us, he accused me of so many things and took my most personal and fragile parts I trusted in him and used them as knives against me.

I already lost a major portion of my friend group last year due to us growing apart so I'm down to less than 10 friends.

I'm scared, papa bear. I've seen what he's done to people in the past. We were never close but we were growing closer until he just ... snapped. I changed all my passwords but I'm so, so terrified he's going to find the one place I didn't or he's going to spread stuff about me just like his old friends and exes from years past.

I JUST healed from my ex doing that to me.... I can't bear to go through it again with someone I knew and trusted and loved for over 10 years.

And now I might have to move and leave what few friends I have left behind. We're not close enough to keep in touch and I'd have to move back into the house where my exs abuse happened.

I don't know if I can....

I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I'll loose my irl friends and my online ones will follow. I'm so afraid my future friends will have my ex friend fill their heads with bullshit. I'm so afraid to have to live in that house again but it's beginning to be my only option.

I just.... Do you have any advice on how to strengthen friendships, make new friends, and live without fear of being sabotaged?

If I can strengthen the friendships I have and make new ones I won't have to be so afraid, but I can't comprehend relationships and how to meet people.

Debbie

* * *

Hi, Debbie,

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself. I thought I had responded to this letter but now I'm not sure if I did. So, I'm writing again (or for the first time!) Forgive a senile old bear....

Since you don't provide any background, I cannot guess why this other "friend" would snap and suddenly attack you. But this makes two toxic people who have come into your life, which makes me wonder if perhaps you are having difficulty determining what sorts of people are good friend material and what sorts of people are toxic. The other side of this is that you seem to also have trouble realizing who isn't toxic (i.e., true friends).

Hon, true friends will always stick by you and will not listen to the venomous lies spouting from the mouths of toxic people. If you lose any friends because of some lying jerk, then they weren't good friends to begin with and you are better off without them. In fact, this might be a litmus test to determine for you who are your friends and who are not, so that might turn out to be a good thing. Don't worry about it.

One thing Papabear has learned in his 50+ years is to not worry a damn about what other people think. If you know in your heart you are a good person who tries to do the right thing, then that is all that matters. Again, the people who are wise and not shallow will perceive this goodness in you and want to be your friend. Treat your friends well (that's how you strengthen friendships) and shun your enemies. And if you are concerned about your passwords or anything, just make it a routine to change your passwords once a month. If you get attacked online, inform that website's administrators. Keep records of any harassment you get from toxic people.

Making new friends? Big topic, but, in brief, look for people who share your interests and take an interest in their lives. You should expect the same from them. The danger is always one-way "friendships," which aren't so much friendships as people using you. With practice and experience, you will develop a kind of sixth sense about other people. I quickly get a feeling about others as to whether or not they are worth my time. The ones who aren't exude a kind of "creepy" vibe that makes me back off right away. You'll get better at this as time goes on.

Strengthening friendships you currently have mostly involves doing your best to make time to work on the friendship. The more time you spend with someone, the stronger the relationship will become.

As for the fear of being sabotaged: hey, it happens. Even when you get good at judging other people, occasionally a troll or, let's face it, psychopath will weedle themselves into your life. All you can do is cut them off as soon as you recognize them for what they are beneath the mask. Control your fear by realizing that shit happens and you can't prevent it from happening, but you CAN control how you react to said shit and this will make you a stronger person.

Hugs,
Papabear

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A Common Problem: Being Abandoned by an Online "Friend"

5/8/2017

0 Comments

Hello,

First, I'm sorry if I make some grammatical mistakes here and there. English isn't my first language, but I try my best.

I've been wanting to ask something for a long time, but I always thought at the last moment that I'll just ask some other time and I can handle the problem myself. But now I'm starting to lose hope, so I finally decided to write to you.

I'd also like to say, before I start, that I had never met the person that I'm going to talk about, in real life.

It's about a friend of mine. Or, at least, he's a friend FOR ME. He doesn't call himself a friend of mine anymore.

He's ignoring me. I met him in an online game in the second half of 2014. We had been talking for a few months, Then FNAF [Five Nights at Freddy's] came out. Long story short, he managed to get me in the furry fandom thru FNAF. (Quite cringy, I know.) I created a furry Steam account, that I started using as my main account for that app. He helped me find my first furry friends online, got me in some furry groups, etc. It all was perfect, we talked a lot, we were great friends overall. But then he started to get busier and busier.. or at least he said that to me. We started talking less and less because he wouldn't respond.

End of 2014 comes. I was at a party with some IRL friends. They ask why my steam acc is so cringy, if I'm really a furry, if I'm bisexual, etc., etc. I decide to take ALL furry stuff down from my account because I don't want to lose the only people I talk to, in real life. Even though they weren't great friends, I still cared about their opinion.

In the year 2015, nothing much happens. Me and him barely talk. He seems to forget about me, and removes me from Steam at the end of the year. (I didn't notice it, hadn't checked.)

2016 is here. I was wondering why hadn't talked to me for a long time. I checked and realized that he had removed me. I try to regain contact with him thru the online game which I met him in. He still has me in his friend list (never removes me there in the future, too), but he clearly ignores me.

Second try. I try to regain contact thru his friends, befriending them, asking if they could help me and such. He had told his friends that I was some random stalker.

I'm almost done at this point, I try one final time - I try to get my friends to talk to him. They all end up blocked by him.

I still to this very moment try to talk to him on a messaging app called Telegram from time to time. The funny thing is that he hasn't blocked me. He READS my messages. Never replies, though.

Sometimes I just start thinking about him, thinking how much of a great friend he was. Then I feel like shit. I feel like it's all my fault. I may even cry. This happens about 1-2 times a month.

I just want to know what should I do. I can't simply forget him and move on. Everyone has already told me to do it, but I can't. I want to talk to him at least once more, ask him why he's being like that, why he's ignoring me. But it all seems impossible.

Zen (age 15, Estonia)

* * *

Dear Zen,

(BTW, your English is quite good.) Papabear gets many, many, many letters like yours. I hear this story all the time about some online furry friend who seems great at first and then, suddenly, ignores and drops out of the life of the furry friend. Repeated efforts are made by the letter writer to reestablish the friendship--all to no avail. The person writing to me is left wondering what went wrong, with no sense of closure, and yet still wanting to be the friend of the person who snubbed them.

So, here is my advice.

Realize that in life you will have many friends who come and go.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT if they leave your life. It is THEIR choice. There could be many reasons why they did this, and most likely it is for selfish reasons.
Continuing to pursue them is just going to frustrate the heck out of you. You will only drive yourself crazy by continuing to do this.
You are probably better off without such people in your life (the kind who abandon you).
You say you can't let it go? Yes, you can. Try harder.

Is this all disappointing? Of course. Life is full of disappointments. If you can, learn from them, and then move on.

Good Luck,
Papabear

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His Friend Is Emotionally Manipulating Him

3/17/2017

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Dear Papabear,

OK so first I've contacted you I believe three times before. The last time I really felt like I had wasted your time with since there wasn't really an honest question in it now that I look back on it, and I do wish to apologize for it.

But now I've been facing another problem. One with a friend I met recently. This is basically what my problem is.

1) The one furry I actually get to see IRL, and we're really super close friends.
2) He's really sensitive and gets depressed
3) He has an unrequited crush on me
4) I can't seem to get him to accept I'm not interested in that kind of a relationship
5) He feels dependent on me, but it's kind of my fault for letting him be
6) He gets depressed in roleplays easily, but he sets up really depressing events himself. I understand just avoiding role play but it seems like it just is part of the ways we chat, it's automatic
7) I want to make him happy, but he can't accept where I draw the line on what I'll do for him
8) Anytime i mention this he talks like he's suicidal
9) He used to have a GF but she was forced by her parents to cease contact since they didn't like the fandom
10) I've been on the other side of the unrequited love equation, I did manage but nothing that worked on me seems to work on him

I really could use some help, how do I get him to accept I'm not going to take that kind of relationship?

Anonymous (age 16)

* * *

Hi,

No need to apologize for the earlier letter. As for this one: is your friend getting any help at all for his depression? Neither one of us is a psychologist or therapist, and it really isn't our job to attend to his mental health. We can be supportive, though.

Papabear

* * *

Yes, neither of us are trained professionals, and as for if he has seen any I'm not sure. But with how he is I don't know if it would be easy to ask him either. If he hasn't though, I do want to make sure he gets help, or minimally some other friends for when I can't be around, and other things so he becomes more independent and doesn't have such a low self asteem in the future. But my issue I'm asking about and need help with first is how to approach someone like him with such topics. Because he takes so sensitively for some of the things I say, he worries about everything, and easily interprets a friendly joke for something deeply offensive. Like for instance, he told me he loved me more than he knows. Then I said:

"That scares me a little, you already have told me at such high levels. I think you know how much you love me, you tell my every day XD"

Well me saying it "scares me" kind of made him start worrying a bunch. Maybe I need to be more cautious about how I word things but idk.

But also, like I said, although I do "love" him (like he was my brother, in that kind of manner, and a lot), he wants to try and take it to a romance level that I don't want. At the same time, I still would like to be friends with him, and even if I would just forget that and let him go, I can't for fear of what he'd do to himself.

Convincing him to accept how things are for our relationship is something I'm not sure how to do. But I need to know how to approach him with any topic like that without him freaking out.

Hope I cleared up a lot things.

Thankful regards

* * *

Dear Furiend,

What you are experiencing is a case of emotional blackmail. This can be done in a number of ways, including some you have mentioned, such as threatening or implying one will commit suicide if not paid attention to or insisting that they love you when you don’t love them back, thus making you feel very guilty.

First thing to come to terms with is this: you are not responsible for his emotional problems. You are clearly a good and caring friend, but you have to keep your own emotional state stable and not allow yourself to feel bad or responsible for what is going on in his brain. I’m assuming he is about your age (teen) and that he has parents or other family, and it is THEY who really should be dealing with this first. Offering support is great, but you are not the primary caretaker in this.

Once you get over that emotional burden, you are better able to speak frankly to this kid. When you do, he will probably respond with the usual drama—depression, “woe is me,” even suicide threats. Remember, these are just tools to manipulate you. They are inspired by his lack of self-confidence. He is afraid of losing you, and the way he deals with this is through threats and appeals to your good heart.

The undercurrent of all of this is, of course, low self-esteem. Instead of addressing the symptoms (e.g., how to respond to his appeals for love and his neediness), what you should try first is to help him improve his sense of self-worth. There are lots of sites you can google about improving your self-esteem, as well as some things I have written here in this column.

Try coaching him in these methods to make him feel better about himself. The goal is to make his ego strong enough so that, when it’s time, you will be able to speak to him frankly about sensitive topics without him collapsing into a defensive ball.

Give it a try. Good luck!

Papabear

0 Comments

She Is Worried Her Mate Is a Bad Influence on Her Young Friend

12/28/2016

2 Comments

Hi Papa Bear!

I can gladly say that my life's still going well. College is moving along and I'm pretty involved on campus where I meet interesting people all over.

But, my concern has nothing to do with college or school life or even romantic relationship troubles. My mate and I have a particular circle of friends. We all are about the same age (19-20 or so) except for one person who is 15. I'm going to call him Ryan instead of his real name for the sake of privacy. Normally, not much seems wrong despite a bit of an age gap. Ryan is safe with us and the age difference doesn't hinder all of use having a good time.

But, the age difference between Ryan and everyone else is quite apparent from a maturity and mindset standpoint. This isn't surprising since teenagers have a lot of growing to do in many different ways.

What troubles me though is Ryan's immaturity. And I don't mean that he's annoying. He's actually quite tame. Sure, he has his moments but it's not much different than anyone else being annoying in some way. Ryan lives a relatively sheltered life. He's been homeschooled for as long as I can remember and he's still being home-schooled by his parents for high school. I don't really approve of home-schooling kids for their high school years for growth and social development reasons, but that's another topic for another day. As a result of his sheltered life, Ryan doesn't have many (if any) friends his age that live near him. He basically only has us (my mate, me and the other people in our circle). I'd also like to mention our circle meets online. This isn't a bad thing, just thought it would be nice to note.

I'm also not sure if his parents are good role models. So, he instead looks up to my mate as sort of a role model. That's what worries me though. Ryan is so immature in an innocent and impressionable way. Most days I forget how old he actually is. Sometimes I think he's younger than his actual age because of how "young" he acts. I don't believe my mate is a very good adult figure for him. Don't get me wrong, I love my mate to death. He has plenty of good qualities. It's the negative qualities that I don't want being spread to Ryan. My mate can be cold, cynical and pessimistic. I'm sort of a negative-Nelly too, but my mate is much more than I am. He also does not have the same amount of empathy that most people have, so he has a hard time understanding other's emotional sides and quirks. Not too long ago, one of our friend's friends had committed suicide, leaving our friend sensitive to suicide jokes. In our circle, suicide jokes come and go and everyone laughs at them because no one is being serious about it. My mate made a suicide joke while our other fiend was around. It triggered him and he told my mate to stop. However, my mate kept going on with it. The outcome wasn't good. I brought up that the joke was insensitive, but my mate insisted that our friend needed to "get over it" and compared him to the internet super feminists who get triggered over the tiniest of things. My mate just doesn't get that some people need time to mourn. That's just how he is though. My mate is an adult and if that's his opinion, that's his opinion. (Although I think that's a stupid and insensitive one.) Ryan went along with this mentality however, and this is when I noticed just how much of an influence my mate is on him. I mean, I've noticed other times like these but I just brushed them off and left it along and quickly forgot about it for the time. It was this instance when I started to become worried. I don't want Ryan to take on the negative qualities my mate has.

Ryan has yet to go to college, choose a career and meet other people. I don't want those opportunities for him squandered by a bad role model who (indirectly) taught him to be an insensitive and pessimistic douche (excuse my language). I understand that Ryan has his own life and is allowed to have any attitude he wishes. But is a bleak and unhappy outlook without being able to understand the emotional side of others really a good way to live? I was in that boat in my adolescence. I was not a happy person then; every other day I had the urge to kill myself. I don't want that kind of life for Ryan.

Though, I'm not entirely sure how to act in this situation. I'm not sure where the line between my business and his parents' business should cross on this since it's ultimately his parents' responsibility to teach him these things. Though, it doesn't really seem like they're doing a good job in my mind. Should I even get involved at all or should I leave Ryan to his own devices when he inevitably goes to college or gets a job and he needs to grow up? I also could be blowing this way out of proportion and he could mature by himself. What do you think?

Thank you for listening,

Dawnstar

* * *

Dear Dawnstar,

Thanks for your letter, and I am sorry for my slow reply. I’m glad things are going well for you, at least for the most part.

On to “Ryan.” To be clear, you have never actually met Ryan in person and only have a “relationship” with him as a friend in your online group. It is nice that you care about his well-being. However, you are not responsible for raising him. That is up to his parents and family. You are not really in a position to raise the cub, so don’t feel guilty about not doing more if you can’t.

Now, about your boyfriend/mate: anyone who makes fun of suicide victims has something seriously wrong going on inside his head, frankly. There are certain things in life that are never funny, and that is one of them. And all those who laugh at his suicide jokes are also immature, callous dolts who need to grow up. Make no mistake, if a friend or family member of mine killed themselves and someone made a joke about it to my face, he would shortly lose his face.

Pardons, but that is the bear in me coming out. Pisses me off royally. If I were you, I would seriously question myself as to why I would want to be with someone like that. Nuff said on that topic.

Next thing: while I know that above I said it was his parents’ responsibility to raise Ryan—and it is—as a friend you should feel free to express yourself to the young pup and warn him about your mate’s bad attitude and to take his pessimism with a grain of salt. You should also encourage him to find and interact with friends in the real world. Although Ryan is home-schooled, there are ways for him to participate in organized activities away from home and school, including at church, at local public recreation facilities (parks, public pools, gyms), sport clubs, gaming clubs, and getting involved in volunteer work. Do a little research on these options in Ryan’s area and then make suggestions to him.

After you’ve done that, you’ve pretty much accomplished what you can for Ryan. Always make yourself available as a friend, of course, and a willing ear that will listen. After that, it is up to Ryan and his family.

Hugs,
Papabear

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A Long Letter about the Nature of Friendship

3/29/2016

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Hello Papa Bear!

First of all i want to apologize about the last letter i sent you and i couldn't reply due personal problems and many things to do. I have a problem that has been haunting me for a long time. I know, i'm a bit old for this kind of stuff, but i'm tired of have the same problem when i meet someone, and i think you're professional with this kind of problems: this is an example what's happening, but this is a bit more important, and it's one of the most bigger problems I have I got two friends: one from San Diego and another from South Africa, I met the first one when a year after I started in FurAffinity, and we became best friends some months later, and the another one, I saw his profile in FA thanks to a friend, but at first I thought he was someone egotistical, but when the San Diego started a role play group on Skype, with me and another 5 guys I changed my mind about him, It was the opposite of what I thought at first, so later we became friends, the first group only it lasted until August 2015 due we had various problems with one of the members and we started another one with just the only four members.

But during May or June 2015 I started to get many anxiety problems, at first I thought I could control that, but it wasn't, and to date I still have these problems but knowing why it happened, but over time he began to generate problems of depression, and I began to reflect on the RP group, I got into trouble within the group, and I got to leave the group on several occasions, but the last was a reason that bothered me from the beginning of the first group, the guy from San Diego always helped me when I left the group for several occasions, so the last time I left the group I said I was sick of not put me attention as others, there was some favoritism between them and it seemed like I was not important to them, and made their own stories without will include me in them, he tried to see a way to help, but did not seem to be helpful, and indeed, there came a time I spoke to the boy of South Africa for the gradually began to behave very sharp me both RP and chat, send a letter asking him what was wrong, that was not the first time I did that, the first time, when our friendship was much closer, he apologized to me and told me that no happen again, but this time was much different, let me in them, just she told me to do something to change, but at that time, I did my best to be treated like others, but all were in vain. Finally the boy from San Diego came up with something to help taking advantage of Halloween approached, he had a character not used for a long time and started to do a story involving my character and where we were all going to participate, everything was very well planned, but everything gets worse after we began the story within the group, I had the stupid idea that one of my characters commit suicide to fix the main problem of the story, I doubted that but just when I wanted to fix it was too late, and one member who was present quickly left the group, the guy from South Africa, just sent a message saying "WTF?!" and also he left the group. Quickly me and the guy from San Diego I wonder what was wrong with me, I told him I had never been my intention, and try to talk to the two who had left the group, but the guy from South Africa was very angry, and the girl He would not return to know the group, I did not know what to do, and burst into tears explaining everything that had happened to me and intimating my reasons that had left the group several times.

Finally he understood everything, and said that would not give up for helping restore friendship boy from South Africa and after a week, after she asked him to ask him to send a letter via skype apologizing and explaining everything that happened, the guy from South Africa sent me a private message forgiving me and I finally understood why he had been so curt with me I was going through family problems related to his father and did not want to embarrass him with my role plays depressants, and asked me to promise not to return to that sort of thing, and with everything that happened I did not want that to happen again that and I promised, then said he would have to spend a good time to come back to the group, I said no problem, but apparently he was mad at me, and there were times I had to ask the guy from San Diego on how I was the guy from South Africa, he came to me to show several chats boy from South Africa saying he knew that it was never my intention to hurt him, but still remained uncertain until finally in December of that same year the boy from San Diego said we were going to return all in a Christmas role play, but anyway I was very unsure about that, and personally wrote a letter via skype the boy from South Africa, explaining everything and apologetically as I never had, it took two days to answer, the apparently he was annoyed to hear the same story, but he told me not to worry about that, because he had forgiven me for several months, and I was more than relieved when I sent that message.
before it was Christmas I sent them to draw a picture for the boy from San Diego, but just a day before told the artist that will fix the mistakes he had and took a lot more than I expected, I warned him that I would take to reach you, and I said no problem, if I'm not wrong was around that time that the following happened: also because of my anxiety problems I suffer, I tend to be jealous, but before I suffer these problems was not jealous.

I think it was a few days before Christmas, the guy from South Africa made a vore comic character boy from San Diego (I feel like I get in trouble for this but here I leave the link of the comic: also because of my anxiety problems I suffer, I tend to be jealous, but before I suffer these problems was not jealous.
I think it was a few days before Christmas, the guy from South Africa made a vore comic character boy from San Diego (I feel like I get in trouble for this but here I leave to you the link of the comic: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18524978/)in a way I felt jealous, in fact there was a time that I refrained from entering FurAffinity by the comic, but in my mind told me "will come your day ... he will do something for you" and otherwise felt guilty ... very guilty, I felt I did something wrong to not deserve his respect, felt I was not friendly enough and I should do something to deserve their respect, after a while I forced myself to see the comic and tell me myself "will get your day ... he will do something for you, and if he doesn't you do not mind, he do not need to make you a picture to show you you're his friend" and for a while I said that and I forget it, had passed the Role Christmas Play and everything returned to normal, my friendship with the two became much narrower, and only three of us create our own group Role Play, referring to the game Assassin's Creed, but before that, in early February I got the picture that would give gift to man from San Diego (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18922338/) I apologized to him, and he did not care how long it takes, the intention was the which had, when I showed, I think something did not like, I asked if he liked, but apparently not reflected, and told him that if he did not like he could do anything for him, he said it was not necessary, He said he liked a lot, but I knew not, and in fact I told him that if he wanted he could raise his profile, I felt bad because I felt it was not the best thing I did, later seeing the two of them had better than me, during Valentine's day I sent a letter explaining better what happened to me, I apologized for not being a good friend, he understood everything and said he has always been to help me, but my problem is that I feel impotence, because the two of them usually wear well and gifts between them are made, and my helplessness I can not do something for them, and I really do not know if I'm not doing something right or do not consider me as a good friend.

I do not know what to do, I do not have a credit card much less money to do something for them two, have perhaps been a bad friend? I can not speak more, because I have already done several letters explaining everything, what I can do? I am doing something wrong? Is there something I'm forgetting? are not the only ones with which this happening to me, just with some friends I feel like it was not someone important to them, please Papa Bear, help me, I am very confused and worried, I do not know to do. Thanks a lot for your time, and I’ll wait the time you need for reply, I’ll be grateful if you can help me in this situation. Needless to say I appreciate all

Sincerely:
Guilmon 1998 a.k.a Jake The Flamedramon/ Drake Daigo (age 25, Mexico)

P.S: all of them I know personally

* * *

Dear Guilmon,

Yours was a long and kind of confusing letter, but here is my reaction to what I understand of it:

The RP thing where you have a character commit suicide: the people who promptly left probably overreacted (unless you did it in a graphic, tasteless way, which I doubt). This is a bit of a case of dramaqueenitis. People need to get a grip; this is fiction, role play, get over yourselves. Sheesh.

As for the friendships: remember, friendship is not about giving gifts or giving money. And true friends who do give gifts should never expect something in return. If you are only giving something to a friend because you want something back, then that is not a sign of generosity.

True friends do not care if you are rich or poor. They care about you for who you are, including your flaws. How do you repay them, then, for their kindnesses? By being kind, respectful, and helpful in return. By giving them someone to talk to who offers sympathy and empathy.

Jealousy results from lack of confidence. When we are not confident in ourselves, we fear that people we want to like us will not see us as worthy and turn to other people for affection. Therefore, self-confidence is a key to happiness. You say you suffer from anxiety. Not sure if this is a medical condition or something that is self-inflicted. If it is medical, see a doctor; if it is self-inflicted, then the best way to relieve anxiety (and stress) is a thorough routine of meditation, exercise, sleep, and eating correctly. It will do wonders for your mental and physical health.

Finally, don't play games with people. For example, don't use furry art as a manipulative tool to gain friends or hurt people. Be sincere. Say what you mean and when you make a promise, keep it. When you are honorable and true to yourself and others, you will find that contentment follows, neither will you ever find an occasion when you need to apologize for your actions.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Advice for a Fellow Empath and People Pleaser

3/18/2016

4 Comments

Dear Papabear:

Apologies in advance for the inevitable disorder of this letter, I struggle to get my thoughts onto paper in a well-structured way. Here goes...

I'm, apparently, a wonderful person, according to a few people. I wouldn't categorize myself anywhere near that because I am in fact distant and a little hostile in most situations. I'm told I'm a great listener, and I give great advice, and I have many traits of an empath (that's one thing I can agree on). Since getting involved in the fandom these things have been made very apparent through my interactions with the people I've met.

Sometimes I just ... have to help. Often it doesn't even feel like it's me doing it. I'd compare it to a deep spiritual urge. For quite a long time now I've been the shoulder to cry on, the adviser, the helper etc. etc. Which is fine, I guess. But if that is who I am, why does it feel like something that's been forced on me?

This is hard for me to admit, even with anonymity, but this urge to help has cost me over £3000 of my own money, from helping a total of 5 furs who were in dire situations. On top of that are many hours of advice, counseling, emotional support, and being on hand almost 24/7 in case emergencies arose. I should add that these people were complete strangers to me when I first assisted them.

So, I've established my compulsion has cost me a lot of money, but considering that one of these people erased all trace of their situation after receiving my help (presumably to cover the whole thing up), one of them proceeded to credit two of their friends with a big sentimental journal, while staying deathly quiet about my many contributions, and one of them managed to indirectly tank my relationship, then lead me on as a dating backup afterwards, I've also lost a lot of time, happiness, and emotional well-being. I daresay I've even lost emotional stability. It all messed me up pretty good.

Nonetheless, after all these things passed I continued to do my thing, albeit not on such a grand scale. A helping hand here and there, slightly stressful but manageable.

But lately, I've been experiencing a shift in perspective, and it frightens me. Reflecting on all these things I've done, and what people have come to know me for, I began to observe the way a lot of my friends interacted with me, and the way I interacted with them.

And I realized, things are very one-sided. Not just with one or two people...I'm talking about most of them. I can see that a lot of my friends don’t love me, they love what I do/did. I notice I'm the one they come to when there’s a problem, but not the one to enjoy everyday fun with. People start conversations with me to launch straight into tirades about their problems, people hint at their financial worries hoping my empathy will kick in and I'll be forced to help them, they talk extensively about their passions and interests and who they are but you know what? Not one of them know the same things about me, because they never ask, and they never care. It has become apparent they just need a dumping ground for their mental and spiritual detritus, and clearly I am that dumping ground. Nobody knows or cares what I am outside of the benevolence that they benefit from. Nobody looks into me how I look into them.

When I'm vulnerable I get to thinking of all I've done, and how nobody will do the same for me should I ever need it. And it scares me. Don't get me wrong, I don’t give with the expectation of return. What scares me is how unknowingly willing I've been to put myself at risk for the sake of others. Literally this whole thing is a hole I've dug myself into.

So, I guess the rambling has to end and it's time for the questions.

Is unbridled generosity good? Is benevolence necessarily a good thing? Did I do good things, or misguided things? Would it be wrong to blow these people off? To hurt them even?

I'm sorry if it's difficult to make sense of this, like I said I struggle to get my thoughts onto paper, and there is a LOT here I had to leave out for the sake of length. Feel free to bin this one if its a bit too tricky, just a shot in the dark really. An outside perspective may be all I need.

-Manul (age 23, UK)

* * *

Hi, Manul,

If you’re looking for “an outside perspective” you’ve come to the wrong place because this bear has been EXACTLY where you are—in spades. We are both empaths and we are both people pleasers. I, too, have lost many thousands of dollars helping people. All told, I would say we’re talking $35,000 to $40,000. During that time, I have been used, insulted, and even had a lawyer sic’d on me with possibilities of a lawsuit, and one furry accused me of being a secret police officer who was trying to get him locked up in a nuthouse. Seriously. Sometimes, apparently, such people don’t even realize they are being butt munches. I recently had a writer tell me that my belief that I was an empath was “silly” and he had no clue he had just insulted me. All this for trying to help people. As they say, “No good deed goes unpunished,” right?

So, I guess ol’ Papabear beats you when it comes to feeling like a fool. But, really, it is a matter of learning how to control your empathic abilities and also to learn how not to be a tool while still enjoying helping others. Actually, one powerful device I use is this column. Here, I am free to help and give advice, and because I don’t know the people who write to me, I do not expect their friendship, compensation, or even gratitude (although it’s wonderful to get a thank you letter), and I don’t feel compelled to help them with money or other material assistance. It is, so to speak, a buffer. I get amazing satisfaction from writing “Ask Papabear.” Not sure how you might feel about it, but hey, you could try writing a column or blog, too. Since you’re in the UK, you could have a more British/European perspective that would make your column unique.

Be that as it may, another thing you need to learn is when to say “no” and that it is okay to decline helping someone--especially when that involves someone asking you for money or other material gains at your expense. That’s pretty challenging for people like you and me to do because we want to help others, but the first rule of helping others is that you have to be healthy and happy yourself, and that means being kind to yourself before you are kind to others. For example, you may have noticed I haven’t been writing this column as much lately, and the reason for that is because I only write it when I am not feeling under the weather from my grief over losing Jim. Some days, like today, are good, some are bad and I don’t write on those days.

Here is some good advice on being an empath that includes learning how to shield yourself and cleanse yourself: http://paganandproudofit.com/empath.html.

The other thing to learn is which people are friends and which are not. Don’t expect everyone who asks for your advice to become your friend and, therefore, don’t be disappointed when you learn they just wanted your advice. I dearly hope that at least a few people you know are true friends. A true friend is someone who is there for you as much as you are there for them.

If you learn to do these things in your twenties, you will be about twenty years ahead of yours truly and will be blessed. Being an empath is a gift, and if you learn to be one properly you will no longer resent it (like you’re kind of doing now) and learn to realize that this makes you a special person who is a rarity among human beings, most of whom suffer from tunnel vision and selfishness.

I hope this helps.

Blessed Be,
Papabear

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