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Dear Papabear,
I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions lately and was hoping to hear your thoughts about something personal. Recently, I joined a furry Discord server hoping to connect with others in the community and ease my growing loneliness. While the people there are incredibly kind and supportive, I’ve found that instead of feeling more connected, being surrounded by their positivity and camaraderie has only amplified my sense of isolation. I decided to suggest a space in the server where people could openly share their struggles—a place for vulnerability and honesty—because I thought it might help people like me who feel disconnected. However, the suggestion was understandably denied for reasons I had anticipated, such as concerns over moderation, misuse, and triggering content. Now that it’s been denied, I’m reflecting on everything, and I find myself caught in a loop of feelings. On one hand, I respect the mods’ decision, and I never wanted to create a burden for them or the community. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that my need for connection, and even my loneliness itself, is something selfish or shameful. I guess what I’m trying to ask is: how can I come to terms with these feelings of rejection and loneliness without internalizing them as a reflection of my worth? And how can I continue to seek connection and be honest about my struggles without feeling like a burden to others? Thank you so much for reading this. I deeply appreciate your time and guidance. Sincerely, Samuel (23, Indonesia) * * * Hi, Samuel, Thank you for your email. Quick question before I reply with a full response: Are you able to meet furries IN PERSON in Indonesia? I know there are furries in your country, but not sure whether you have been able to meet them in the real world. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi Papabear! First of all thank you for the quick response. For your information, I have two furry friends from my country (one introduced by my best friend because I write a furry story, the other I found out is one when I was going through his art social media). However, the first one is much like me, struggling to find furry friends due to: (1) financial constraints to attend Indonesian furry expos (there is IWAG [Indonesian Weekend Anthro Gathering]), (2) having a hard-time looking for a furry server where the members are from Indonesian, and (3) having a terrible experience from Indonesian furries we DID meet online (we even used the app BARQ!), which is why the two of us are so keen on joining a server or meeting one not from our country. As for the second friend, he's an anti-LGBTQ+ and I'm kinda discouraged to be friends with him, knowing that Indonesia itself has a strict religious law (so is my patriarchal and religious household). I myself have an anti-LGBTQ+ best friend that I don't mind hanging around and be vulnerable with at all (he even knows I'm a furry), but for this other friend... suffice to say that I don't want to be friends with him. When I confronted him in hopes to rekindle our friendship (literally a few days ago), he was being pretty rude, defensive, and outright disrespecting me even after saying "he respects my choice"; it's clear he didn't. And... maybe to add a bit of context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to seek professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a big barrier, but beyond that, there’s a strong stigma in my family around mental health (and the fact religion and politics are avoided discussions in servers are not helping). Discussions about seeking therapy are often shut down with the belief that religion is the solution to all struggles, and anything beyond that is seen as unnecessary or even shameful. Ironically, I helped co-found a free counseling platform in Indonesia for almost six years now, called Berbagicerita.id, which aims to make counseling accessible for those in need. However, as the co-founder, I can’t use the platform myself because of ethical boundaries in psychology. It’s like this: when you’re working with staff you know personally, disclosing personal problems creates a conflict of interest that can affect the dynamic of future professional interactions. Even the founder, who has a difficult life too, don’t use the platform for the same reasons—it’s a boundary we all respect. While I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve built, it also leaves me in a difficult position, unable to access the kind of help I’ve been advocating for others. And if you ask me why I don't use other free counseling platforms, it's because of the same reason as well. Many of the counselors or psychologists on these platforms are often connected within the same professional network as my own platform, or they could even end up being people I’ve collaborated with in the past. The overlap makes it difficult for me to seek help without worrying about breaching boundaries or feeling self-conscious about disclosing my struggles to people who might know me personally or professionally. It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. The server modder who disclosed that my suggestion for a venting channel suggested me to find social group, but he doesn't know about this additional context/information because it's a very private information for me and I can't just disclose this to everyone in the community, even if it's just to add a context of where I'm coming from. It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. Thank you again for listening, and for taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. It means a lot to me. Sincerely, Samuel P.S. Sorry, I'm just going to make the third paragraph less confusing: And... maybe to add a bit more context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to access professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a major obstacle, but even beyond that, my family holds a strong stigma against mental health support. In their view, religion is the ultimate solution to all struggles, and seeking therapy is often dismissed as unnecessary or even shameful. This mindset has created an environment where discussing mental health is not only avoided but actively discouraged. On top of that, the avoidance of topics like religion and politics in many online spaces, including this furry server I join, makes it even harder to express how deeply this affects me. I respect the boundary and am fully aware of it, but it doesn't make it any easier for me at all. * * * Hi, Samuel, So, which Indonesian furry groups have you tried? Have you tried:
As you are aware, living in a Muslim country means you're going to have a tough time being a furry. Frankly, it's amazing that there exists the IWAG, and I heard there was a convention called PAWAI, but it did not have a convention in 2024 and probably won't this year. So, yes, that's rough. The furry community in general overwhelmingly embraces left-leaning, liberal views, such as acceptance of LGBTQIA people. We also believe in mental health. Rough to be in such a conservative culture that finds seeking emotional or mental counseling to be a "weakness." One also finds that attitude in Catholic-dominated countries such as Mexico and conservative countries like Nigeria in Africa. With the limited number of opportunities in Indonesia currently, it will indeed be a challenge for you to connect to your local peers with what is currently available. But you already have hit upon a solution, even if you don't apparently realize it. When you saw a need for it, you cofounded Berbagicerita.id (and kudos to you for doing that!) As you stated, however, getting help from a professional group you helped to found does not really work, ethically speaking. Fortunately, that constraint doesn't apply when it comes to the furry fandom. Here are some examples from my personal experience:
When you see a need for something but you can't find any existing resources and help, create a group, service, or product yourself to fulfill that need! I guarantee that you are not the only Indonesian who is in your predicament. Start a social media page, a vlog, a podcast, a website, or such-like things and get people to come to YOU. I will even help. If you do this and want to promote it, I will give you a free banner ad on my Ask Papabear page and promote it on my social media groups. What say you? Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi, Papabear, Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response. It truly means a lot to me that you not only took the time to share your experiences but also provided concrete suggestions and support. Honestly, I’ve been reading your site’s “About” section and some of the letters others have sent you, and it’s inspiring to see how much you’ve built for the furry community and the impact you’ve had over the years. It’s clear how deeply you care about creating spaces for people to feel seen and supported, and I really admire that. That said, I also want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally right now. While I deeply admire your “build what you can’t find” philosophy, it feels overwhelming to even imagine taking on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life. I feel like I’m still in the process of finding my own footing and understanding what I need to feel connected and supported. Loneliness and the lack of safe spaces to truly be vulnerable have been long-standing challenges for me. I’ve spent so much of my life navigating environments where being open about my struggles felt unsafe or even impossible, at least when I'm not with my friends which I don't have much, really. The furry fandom feels like one of the few places where acceptance and understanding are deeply valued, which is why I’ve been so drawn to it. But even here, I sometimes feel like I’m standing on the sidelines, watching others find belonging while not knowing how to step in myself without feeling like I’m asking too much. It’s as though everyone else has already traveled miles ahead on their journey of self-acceptance and connection, while I’m still stumbling at the starting line. And the last thing I want is to weigh anyone down by pretending I’ve caught up when I know deep down I haven’t. One thing I’ve realized too is that I know I’ve fallen into this habit of defining myself and my worth through my vulnerabilities—what I consider the “ugly” or broken parts of me. It’s almost as though my struggles with basically everything in this life have become a kind of shorthand for my identity, when in reality, those "ugly" things are only part of who I am. I know I’m not just a collection of struggles; I’m a multifaceted person with dreams, interests, and values that go beyond these challenges. Still, I feel like I’ve let these struggles take up so much space in how I see myself and how I present myself to others, and I guess that's why I'm so desperate for connection... I’ve also been grappling with a deeply rooted sense of what’s “ethical” when it comes to vulnerability, which only amplifies this sense of existential isolation and angst. Even in a space as welcoming and inclusive as the furry community, I can’t seem to shake the fear of being seen as a burden—of overwhelming others with my struggles or taking up too much space. This fear isn’t just fleeting; It's been a part of my principles. This kind of irrational-but- understandable fear has even triggered panic attacks in the past, where the thought of being “too much” for others (or worse, being completely forgotten) has left me paralyzed. It’s a complicated mix of self-awareness and self-doubt, really. On one hand, I recognize my struggles and understand that everyone has limits to how much they can take on emotionally (like people in any Discord server, not just furry). On the other hand, this hyper-awareness makes me hesitate to reach out at all, as if my desire for connection might outweigh someone else’s ability or willingness to hold space for me. It’s like walking a tightrope between craving meaningful relationships and being terrified of what they might cost—whether that cost is pushing someone away, feeling rejected, or confirming my worst fear: that I’m fundamentally too much to handle. Underneath all this is a deeper longing to break free from cycles of hatred, both external and internal. I’m exhausted from hating parts of myself that I didn’t choose and from feeling like those same parts make me an outsider. And I’m equally tired of the unspoken battles with judgment, both within myself and from others, that make vulnerability feel like a double-edged sword. I just want to exist as I am—flawed, complex, and human—without fear that my authenticity will hurt or alienate the very people I want to connect with. But then again, vulnerability is not always appreciated, and boundaries exist, and I can’t expect everyone to have the capacity or the energy to handle what I bring to the table. And since I'm too self-aware of everything, I understand that very well. and I deeply respect people’s right to protect their own emotional well-being. But at the same time, it’s hard not to wonder where that leaves me—how I can navigate these boundaries without shutting myself off entirely. I want to honor both my needs and the needs of others, but finding that balance feels like an impossible puzzle one of these digital days. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for guidance on how to move forward when it feels like everything is weighing me down. How do I approach building meaningful connections without being consumed by fear or self-doubt? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable in ways that feel healthy and ethical, for both myself and those around me? And perhaps most importantly, how do I stop defining myself by my struggles and instead learn to embrace the full scope of who I am? Thank you again for your kindness and for offering to help. Your willingness to listen and share your wisdom has already made me feel a little less alone, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. Sincere Hugs, Samuel * * * Dear Samuel, I understand that creating a social group and leading it is not for everyone. Don't feel bad about that. Next question: What do you feel are your "vulnerabilities" and "weaknesses"? What qualities do you feel others are judging you for--and, more importantly--are YOU judging yourself for? pbear * * * Dear Papabear, To answer your question, I would say that my vulnerabilities often lie in how deeply I feel and experience things. It’s like I’m constantly walking around with raw emotions, sometimes even when I don’t want to. It makes it difficult to function normally or engage with others without feeling like my emotions are too overwhelming, not just for me, but for those around me too. I find myself hyper-aware of this, as if my emotional intensity might somehow spill over into every interaction or space I enter, which is one of the reasons I’ve often kept my struggles hidden or downplayed them. I also judge myself for the times when I feel like I’m too much to handle. Whether it’s being too vulnerable, too emotional, or too open about my challenges, there’s this constant nagging voice that tells me I’m asking too much from others. It's like there’s always this internal weighing of whether my need for connection is valid or just a burden. That makes me hold back from being authentic sometimes, because I fear that if I let it all show, people will pull away or even look at me with pity or judgment. I think I also carry around this fear of being judged for the very parts of me I find hardest to accept—my flaws, my mental health struggles, and the moments when I just feel lost. It’s hard to separate those things from my identity, and I often wonder if others are seeing me through that lens, too. I’m afraid that I’m defined only by the parts of me I wish I could change or get rid of. But at the same time, I know that these “vulnerabilities” don’t define me as a whole person. They’re just pieces of a larger puzzle that I haven’t fully figured out yet. That’s why I sometimes feel so conflicted about being vulnerable—because I’m still trying to make sense of it all, to figure out which parts of me deserve to be seen and shared, and which parts need more healing before they can be part of my connection with others. I’m still young and learning how to balance those feelings and not let them take up all the space in my life. I want to move toward a place where I can accept both the beauty and the brokenness of who I am, and where I don’t feel so deeply judged by myself or by others for being human. I hope this gives you a clearer sense of what I’m grappling with, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Apologies in advance if everything about my letter getting too heavy or philosophical at this point. Warmly, Samuel * * * Hi, Samuel, My next question is perhaps rather obvious: Have you ever been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum? Pbear * * * Hi, Papabear No, I have not. I've never been diagonosed with anything (neurologically and psychologically). Samuel * * * Tell me, do you have any of these symptoms? Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | CDC pbear * * * I've just read the website. I don't think I used to display any of these symptoms back when I was a kid because I wasn't afraid to make friends back then. I just asked my mom and she said I've been shy since I was a baby. She also said that I'm always the one approached first and not the one approaching, that I'd even hide behind people if I make eye contact. I guess looking back at the friendships I made during my school years, even now that I've finished college, it makes sense. Samuel * * * Well, it sounds like you are simply shy, which is different from being autistic, of course. I was very shy as a child, too, and as a teen. I was terrified of speaking in public, but I overcame this. How? By becoming a zoo docent. A docent, if you don't know, is a volunteer who talks to guests about exhibits, such as at museums and zoos. I was a docent at the Detroit Zoo and then the Potter Park Zoo in Lansing, Michigan. To be a docent, you have to take a class to learn about the animals on exhibit and also basics of zoology and the environment. When you finish the class, you can give tours and school visits and other presentations for the zoo society, which, of course, means public speaking. The reasons why this helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of groups were that I knew the subject matter and I cared about what I was telling people. Once you have these factors in your pocket, it dramatically reduces your fears because you gain confidence in your material. At least, that was true in my case. I think it was for others, too. To reduce shyness, you therefore require confidence in yourself. How does one accomplish this? Several ways:
How does this solve your problem? You will find it true that people who are desperate for companionship exude an air of desperation that is offputting to others and drives them away. When you are no longer desperate for company, people gravitate to you. There is something extremely attractive about someone who is comfortable in their own skin. They feel genuine, and genuine people tend not to be fakes and liars, which is also very appealing. Even though you still have the issue of limited socializing opportunities in Indonesia, this is the start of helping you not only to connect to others but also to not feel desperate when you do not do so quickly because you are fine on your own. He who is comfortable being alone with himself will never be lonely. Thoughts? pbear * * * Dear Papabear, I’ve read through your suggestions carefully, and I've written and rewritten this reply for almost three hours. I have to admit that you’ve hit on some truths I’ve been reluctant to fully admit to myself. I'm not just shy, but I do also struggle with overcoming shyness itself, though I think my situation is also worsened by a history of overthinking, self-hatred, and self-doubt that often spirals into fear of judgment or rejection. What you’re saying about mindfulness, self-acceptance, and letting go of the need for external validation, however, really resonates with me, even if it feels like a steep hill to climb right now. I think one of my biggest challenges is the constant internal push-and-pull between wanting to connect deeply with others and fearing that I’m too much to handle. It’s like I know, intellectually, that I shouldn’t define myself by other people’s perceptions or approval, but emotionally, it’s harder to internalize that. You’re right: this fear of rejection and the pressure to “be enough” causes me to act in ways that probably come across as desperate, even if I don’t mean to. Your reminder that self-confidence and authenticity naturally draw people in is going to be something I’ll try to keep in mind as I work on myself. Your story about being a zoo docent was also comforting to hear. I think a big part of my struggle is that I’ve let my fears hold me back from taking those kinds of risks; whether it’s joining a group or starting a conversation. Reading about how you overcame your shyness reminds me that change is possible, but only if I’m willing to take the first step voluntarily. You're also... very right about how I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing every little thing I say or do and how others might interpret it. This overthinking keeps me stuck and prevents me from taking meaningful action, whether it’s pursuing friendships or simply allowing myself to enjoy the moment. Reflecting on this now reminds me of the time I used to struggle a lot with anger, which I'm pretty sure may have been linked to undiagnosed intermittent explosive disorder (IED) and was heavily influenced by my environment. Growing up, my "family dynamics" played a big role in shaping my emotional responses. Constant tension, my parents’ fights, and the emotional outlet my brother and I became... I experienced punishment, neglect, or criticism over small things, like getting wet in the rain or taking a bath "clumsily," and that emotional strain built up over time. As I got older and my brother distanced himself, I became even more isolated in my frustration. While I can acknowledge how my environment influenced me, I also realize that I was the agent of my own anger; just as I am right now the agent of my own criticism. It was exhausting, and at some point, I just decided to let go because I don't want to be like my mother, although she's better now despite her still-suffocating religious principles. I still have moments of irritation, of course, but they’re far less intense than they used to be. And now, thinking about what you’ve said, I realize how much mental space I still give to these loops of self-reflection—why this, why that. Maybe just like I stop letting my anger control me, I should also stop letting my crticisms control me. Maybe I should also internalize the idea that I don't want to be what my parents made me do to myself. Maybe I should also admit that it’s mentally draining to constantly question whether I’ve shared too much or if my vulnerability is a burden to others. I think my shyness often comes from this fear of opening up too far, too fast, and then being judged for it. Perhaps I should care less about whether I’ve revealed too much or if others are silently judging me. Maybe that way I can actually start to connect with people in a way that feels genuine instead of forced or guarded. Do it not too slow, not too fast, but just the right amount: at its own pace. Finally, your point about being “alone” vs. “lonely” really hit home. I’ve always struggled to be comfortable in my own company, and it often turns into brooding or self-criticism rather than a chance to recharge. I’m realizing that if I can be at peace with my own presence, it’ll help with everything else—self-acceptance, confidence, and connecting with others without relying on validation. Thank you again for your kindness and honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about and work on, and while I know change won’t happen overnight, I feel like I have a much better sense of where to start now. Warmly, Samuel * * * Hi, Samuel, Well, I don't think I said this would be easy. I really only started to come into my own truth about 10 years ago. I spent 50 years feeling miserable and trying to please others. It never works. You have to be who you are and accept who you are. IMHO, one of the best paths to do this is to learn about Buddhism. Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion, and teaches us mindfulness and acceptance of ourselves and the universe. Another good path is Wicca, which is a modern version of traditional "pagan" beliefs as they were once followed by the Druids. You can also study the Stoics, which I have found helpful. Good luck to you. Pbear
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Papabear,
I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person. How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups? Anonymous (age 31) * * * Dear Furiend, Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties. The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener. As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate! Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group. Let me know if you have further question. Good Luck! Papabear Hi Papabear!
This is my first question I am going to ask you, and possibly more, but I’m only going under a fake name because I'm uncomfortable sharing my real name with someone I don’t know, but anyways, I wanted to ask this question: How do I make more furry friends in my school, while trying to stay away from gossip and backlash around me? Here is some context. I have been in the fandom since August of 2022 (by the time you answer this it may be my 2nd anniversary of being in the fandom!), but I’ve never been able to make any genuine friends in the fandom. I’m usually friends with them one day, but it’s never been long term. Since I don’t have many friends online, I try to resort to in real life friends! However, there is one issue with this: I am a popular kid at school. Now I know there is a lot of misinformation about furries online, and I do not want to ruin my reputation only to be hated by the people who used to support me throughout the years that I’ve been with them. I try to indirectly tell them that I am a furry, but I would hate for someone to tell that to someone else and make it spread. I know of other furries in my school, but most people joke around and gossip about them. My closest friend (that I’ve been friends with for 9 years), does not really approve of furries and I think that he may not be fond of me if I told him the truth that I am a furry. The way I found this out was by wearing a furry avatar in roblox. I even asked him about it one day. I know I’m kinda ranting about it (I’m sorry) but … sometimes I genuinely feel alone in the fandom. I’ve kept this a secret from pretty much everyone (except for a few people) and I just really want that one person who genuinely cares for me. One that will go to furry cons with me, not judge me, and maybe even have a happy life with them (boy or girl it doesn’t matter). I just … I don’t know … I felt like someone that has been through a bit in the furry fandom could actually help me with this. If you can recommend anyone I could be friends with (if possible), please let me know. Cheers! Sending you Mint ice cream your way! Minty the Protogen (age 15, Louisiana) * * * Dear Minty, First, consider why you are a furry. Are you a furry because you want to be popular? Or are you a furry because you love the furry arts and creative play of the fandom and you want to get into things like furry gaming, fursonas, writing stories, creating art, and enjoying furry fiction? If you are more concerned about your popularity at school than about being a furry, you should just forget about being a furry and continue being Mr. Popularity at your school. But know this: Most people who are friends with the popular person at school (or work, or church, or whatever) are only fair-weather friends who hover around you like flies over a summer picnic because it looks tasty, not because they are real friends. After you graduate, you'll never hear from them again. I have one true friend from those days named Todd, who has been my friend since the third grade and is STILL my friend 50 years later. THAT is a real friend. A real friend will be your friend whether or not you are popular and whether or not you are a furry. So, to answer your initial question: If you come out as furry in your school, the results will be predictable. You will likely be the new target of all the kids who hate furries and you can say bye bye to being the popular guy. Now, if you are truly bold, you could try and use your popularity to change people's views about furry. That is, use your cachet to make furry cool at school. Kind of like in Turning Red, where Mei's ability (or curse) to turn into a giant red panda becomes super cool at her school, with all the students lining up to take photos with her and buy her merch. I don't know if that is possible IRL, but wouldn't that be wonderful? There are a lot of young furries out there who get into furry because they want to be outrageous and get noticed. In a lot of ways, furry is becoming more mainstream (the success of Zootopia and Turning Red are indicators of this). You could try to be the person at your school who turns things around and makes furry totally pawsome. But it would take a lot of work on your part, and you would have to pursue it fearlessly. Not sure what the social climate in Louisiana is, but if you are in or around New Orleans, I hear that is a pretty outrageous town. You could maybe take advantage of Mardi Gras celebrations to let your furry side out. (I don't mean go to Mardis Gras, just use it as a theme.) It could go well, or it could backfire on you big time. Ask yourself if you're willing to take that risk. If not, play it safe and don't come out furry around your classmates. Now, as to finding IRL furries to hang with, yeah, that can be a bit challenging. The best way is to first find nearby furries online and then try to hang with them at furmeets and furcons. How do you find local furries online? There are a couple of ways to do so. First off, I recommend downloading the Barq app on your phone. It's a social app that will show you right away which registered users are close to you. Next, go online and simply google "Louisiana Furries." I found this website https://sites.google.com/view/louisianafurs/home about Louisiana furs by doing that search. Interestingly, there were plans for a Bayou Furry Bash convention, but as of this time it seems it never quite got off the ground, sadly. There is also a Facebook group for Louisiana furries and FurAffinity. The FA account seems to be inactive for at least a year, and the FB account is minimally active. Rats. Seems like the Louisiana furries have been struggling. I also searched the Meetup website and Telegram, but I found nothing there that was promising. There used to be a website called the Internet Furry Proximity Locator that could have proven useful to you, but I don't believe it has been maintained, nor do many furries even know about it, so that likely won't work. If you were a little older, I would suggest you drive to Texas Furry Fiesta in San Antonio, which is not too too far from Louisiana and is an excellent con. But right now, that's not practical for you unless you can get your parents onboard. It sounds to this bear like the state of Louisiana could really use a cool furry like you to get them organized. You're still a bit young, but before you know it, you'll be 16 and then 18, and you'll be able to do more stuff independently. You might consider forming your own furmeet group. (I wrote a short column about that which might help). It can be tough to meet furries IRL in some locations in this country. Besides Barq, the best thing for you to do would be to simply join various furry groups on Facebook, Discord, Telegram etc. and ask around if anyone lives in your area. I would also suggest that you work on locating nearby furries first before you out yourself at school as a furry. That way, if things go south at school, you will hopefully have some furry friends locally to provide you some emotional support and hugs. But, hey, before I forget, didn't you say you already knew some furries at school? But, apparently, you are not talking to them because they are not part of the cool crowd. Meanwhile, you fear your "closest friend" will reject you for being a furry. I ask you to pause a moment and consider why you are avoiding these furries and what might that say about you and your fear of ruining your "reputation." If you want a friend who "genuinely cares" about you and will hang out with you at furry events, approach the furries at your school. In the end, you should pursue interests and friendships that suit you best. While everyone wants to feel love and support from their peers, this is less important than following your own path, creating your own identity rather than a persona that meets the approval of others. You are not put on Earth to fulfill the expectations of others and of our shallow and fake society. You are put on Earth to find yourself, explore the universe, and to grow as a person. If being a furry helps you with that, then gofurit. Good Luck! Papabear Hi, Papabear,
It's been a while since I've written; I haven't since 2020. But you were the only advice column I could think of that I actually trust and have used in the past. So, this is tricky and requires a little bit of backstory. Me and my current partner, Allie, met at our church, and we have a sorta secret relationship due to us being LGBTQ+. One of our friends, Liberty, knows. She's trustworthy, but she seems to think all secret relationships are the same: just a harmless relationship that people don't understand. And now because of her view on that, she (a 15-year-old) has gotten into a "secret" relationship with another friend, Malcom (19 years old). I'm guessing you can see the problem here. She's very sweet, yet she lives in a sheltered house, where she doesn't know much other than what her parents tell her, so she has a very "people only ever have my best interest in mind" sort of deal going on. She's told me her relationship is legal and safe as long as nothing sexual happens between her and Malcom, but I'm honestly terrified for her safety. I trust Malcom and I know he'd never hurt her, mainly because I've talked to him about this kind of stuff before when he expressed interest in her before they got together. But I'm so genuinely worried that something will happen. And I don't know if I can call them out for this being questionable, if not downright horrible, because I still love them both as friends and I know this would hurt them. But the other part in me has literally fought against predators online, and it makes me almost physically ill to see this happening between them. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared that Malcom will use the power imbalance created by their age gap against Liberty. I trust him, but I'm worried that eventually my trust will prove to be misguided. This is also one of Liberty's first relationships that she's actually wanted to be in, and I don't want to take that away from her. But I need her to see the problems that come with the age gap. What do I do? Candy Bear * * * Dear Candy Bear, Short answer is: do nothing. It's really none of your business to interfere in other people's relationships, so stop working under the assumption that it is. Longer answer: Depending on which state you live in, the age of consent can range from 16 to 18 years of age. Your friend Liberty should be made aware that it would be against the law for any sexual concourse between her and Malcolm. Now, interestingly, if Malcolm were under 18, there are such things called "Romeo and Juliet Laws," which means that in some states, if both lovers are minors and both consent to sex and they are close in age (say, 16 and 17) it might not be considered breaking the law. However, that is not the case here. Be careful about assumptions, too. You might think that both Liberty and Malcolm are good folk who are telling the truth that no sex is going on (although the fact that you have doubts about Malcolm indicates you really do NOT trust him 100%), but let's face it: They are both at the "raging hormones" stage and may "accidentally" fall into mutual bodily concourse. According to the law firm Schmidt and Clark, there are other things to beware of when it concerns an adult (Malcolm) and a minor (Liberty) that do not involve literal sex directly, including:
Any of these things could be considered breaking the law, and Malcolm could face charges if caught. While I would not try to involve yourself much in their relationship, it might not be a bad idea to make your friends at least aware of these laws. You don't say which state you reside in, so I can't be more specific, so a little online research might help here. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse if you break the law, so being informed is important. Good Luck, Papabear Hey Papabear,
I rejoined the fandom back in late 2023 after nearly a 13 year absence, for a myriad of reasons. But since I've rejoined I've found I don't quite gel with the fandom as a whole and it's been quite lonely. I've even gotten to the point of wondering why I've even rejoined. Whether it's in person or online I just don't seem to fit in with the other furries. For reference I'm not a very bubbly, goofy, or cartoonish individual. I'm chill, down-to-earth, and most people who know me would never guess I was a furry; a very average Joe. Cons aren't my thing as I'm not a fan of crowds and my masklophobia kinda solidifies my dislike of cons. So I guess my question is, should I even remain in the fandom if I feel like I don't belong or mesh well with the furry community? Should I just go back to being a fan of furry art while not engaging with furries or having a fursona? Jay (age 34) * * * Hi, Jay, Many furries who reach their 30s and beyond can feel alienated from the fandom--mostly, because the vast majority of furries are in their teens and twenties, so it is hard for the older generation to relate to them. I don't know if you've heard the term before, but you would now be classified as a "graymuzzle" (greymuzzle, if you prefer, which I do), which is any furry over 30. Fortunately, as the fandom has aged, there are more and more greymuzzle groups out there. For example, I run the Facebook Greymuzzle group. There are also greymuzzle groups on Telegram, X, Amino groups, and DeviantArt. My group has about 3,800 members in it. Most of us, like you, are much more chill and laid back. I, as admin, also make sure it is free of drama, sex, and rudeness. I invite you to join my group and check out the others, as well. There is still a place for you in the fandom. I'm sure you will like it better when you find people your age. I hope to see you apply soon! Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I work on creative games and mods to bring joy to others. My adapted symbol is the spotted hyena, which I chose for its misunderstood perception, dangerous nature, and intelligence. I've known about your website for a long time and I know you to be experienced in life. Do you have experience in dealing with narcissists online? I used to not be aware of their existence until recently and this experience involved three at once. I created a mod for a video game and entered its community. It turned out I had walked into a war of sexual assailants. They deserve to not be named - that would only validate them. Therefore, I will call them N1-3. All three are known in a different related community. N1 was expanding into the community I entered. He used me as a stepping stone. He exploited that I had been betrayed by friends to paint himself to be in similar shoes and filled that void in my life for 2 years. Through his manipulation and the manipulative actions of his former right-hand man, N3 - who had forsaken him and was dragging this new community into the conflict - I believed N1 to be a victim and involuntarily became his defender. N1 slipped up, allowing me to recognize what he is and I broke free. He was not the only one to slip up. N3 personally involved me and my project in a public call out of N1 despite my wishes. When confronted, he tried hard to justify it (mainly to himself) and distracted from the issue by attacking my character. Such an action lead me to gravitate more toward N1. It also had me feel like I was walking on eggshells. As a result, I uncovered the full story. One constant question I had was how did these people become friends in the first place? I found the answer: They're all narcissist manipulators. Here's what they did: N1 built a harem of ride-or-die fans. He abused many women online (and some offline) and painted himself as the victim or downplayed his actions. I'll list the main incidents. He coerced a woman younger than him (W1) with future faking and special rewards into sending sexual cosplay photos then blackmailed her with the possibility of reposting them. N1 rewrote history that it was W1 who initiated. He also made her feel she was in a competition with another woman (W2). He underpaid a co-worker (W3) and visited her to have sex with her despite her clearly saying no beforehand. (W3 was in a relationship too.) He confessed to W3 about getting W4 drunk to sleep with him and cry to her boyfriend afterward. W3 was able to resist him. After the unsuccessful endeavor, he would berate W3 until she stopped working for him. He was ultimately exposed by another co-worker - let's call her Ocarina - when she accused him of sexual assault at a con. N1's key lie is that Ocarina wanted to share a bed with him - the resulting argument being they were both in the wrong (did I mention Ocarina was in a relationship with another person too?), but in reality, she only wanted to share costs on the room and expressed she was very uncomfortable about sharing a bed when it turned out the room didn't have separate beds. They both got drunk and N1 took Ocarina back to their room despite her friends' protests. They both stated that bodily contact happened. Their stories differ on the details, intentions, and states of consciousness. N2 guilt-tripped a fan into a date - let's call her C. The date took place near her city but far enough for her to feel isolated from her family. C expressed discomfort multiple times, but was successfully coerced into spending the night at N2's hotel room. N2 pressed for sex and a condom broke. Their stories differ on what happened afterward. N2 tried to rewrite history that C never clearly communicated what she wanted. N3 was N1's righthand man. He defended N1 until Ocarina then switched to defending N2. He makes everything about himself and used the stories of N1's victims to prove to himself that he did nothing wrong. He made a video targeting newcomers. He didn't show anything of the victims' stories that did not pertain to himself, thereby leaving doubt about the validity of the accusations against N1. N3 is also ignorant of N2's actions and paints him in a positive light with lies by omission. The complication here is that all of these were friends. N2 championed for Ocarina, leading the call out of N1. C reappeared at that time to accuse N2 of rape for the second time. N2 remained silent and let Ocarina and her friends who attended the con to defend him from C. They involuntarily became N2's apologists. One of the friends made an anonymous account to help expose N1 and this account was used to defend N2 as well. Ocarina got hacked and the burner account got exposed. All this allowed N1 to return, arguing that these are hypocrites who tried to cancel him. As you can see, this is a complicated story. Untangling it with no prior knowledge of narcissist manipulation tactics was an ordeal, but I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I got through it and emerged stronger. The problem is that these two communities are filled with teens and young adults who are not mature enough to understand the weight of the situation. They interpreted it as drama and picked their favorite creator to defend. I will continue to be involved with one of the communities through my hobby (for at least a little while), which is already poisoned with a lot of in-fighting due to N1's shift into this community. I am bound to get asked for input about N1 since some of my popularity is due to him. Do you have any advice on how to handle it? I know talking about N1 either positively or negatively validates him, but I do not want these young adults to be left in the dark and falling prey to manipulation from either side. I got rid of my YouTube account kickstarted by N1. I plan to just not talk about him anymore. However, I have already drawn the rage of N1's most religious followers by disassociating. These followers can potentially get other people entangled in such manipulation. I don't know how to handle it. Do you happen to have any advice? Thank you in advance and stay safe, Papabear. - Kartal * * * Dear Kartal, You're right, this is complicated. First, let's clear something up: These people are not "narcissists." The appropriate term for all of them is "immature assholes," who are also apparently guilty of sexual assault. In short, these are very bad people, and if you are wise you will disassociate yourself from all of them. I would also argue that saying they are (or were) "friends" is highly inaccurate because friends do not treat each other in this manner. Secondly, while it is noble of you to think of the young people in these groups who might get sucked into the N1-3 drama, it is really not your job to patrol the groups and act like a police officer. If you try, I guarantee that you will not be successful and will only be dragged farther and farther, deeper and deeper into a pool of disgusting drama. Kartal, you are not responsible for the way people behave and you will find that trying to change people who are bad actors is a fruitless endeavor best left to professionals in the mental health industry. One of the greatest skills to acquire in life is how to be a good judge of people. Once you do this, you will live a happier life by surrounding yourself with good, true friends and family and stepping away from the immature, the manipulators, the selfish, the gaslighters, and the cruel. True friends are kind, loving, and supportive. Anything less makes them not friend material. So, step away from these communities like you were backing away from a minefield. Does this make sense? Good Luck! Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
So, this is gonna be a bit of a long one but I need some guidance because I don't know where else to go. Recently, I left the furry community due to feeling I didn't fit in it no more. I was in a depressed state. I lost people that brought me out of my shell and got me to do art again, and the people that were still there for me stopped helping me as they didn't know what else to do. To provide context, I was with a group of people that inspired me to draw again - and I happened to piss them off doing an RP. I tried doing art for them as a way of saying sorry, and after that I was gonna leave them alone, but it backfired hard in my face and got me chewed out by a few of them. When I talked to this other group of friends, one of them exhausted his options to help me get over it, and the rest just stayed silent no matter how much I reached out. And it got to a point where I didn't want to stick around anymore. I couldn't handle the weight of the pain I felt. I got tired of dealing with it, and there was nothing else I could do to help alleviate the pressure of it all. Today, I am getting help and taking steps to keep myself on the up and up. But every now and again I keep thinking about those people I RP'd [with] and I've been trying to forget them so I don't hurt anymore. The question I have is: How do I come to terms with this whole thing, even though I've accepted that I'll never see them again? * * * Dear Furiend, Apologies for the slow reply. I'll start by giving you kudos for getting help, which I interpret to mean some professional counseling, an excellent step to take. Since you only provide generalities here without explaining details as to what you did, exactly, to upset your friends so much, I will reply with some generalized words of advice. As much as we want to be furry, let's face it: we're human. And being human means we can make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt feelings and cost us friends. In the worst-case scenarios, those friends are gone for good. Even a sincere, heartfelt apology combined with attempts to make amends and compensate for the hurt will not work. It's also natural to think a lot about what happened and even obsess about the past, creating a cloud over our heads that casts a shadow on our lives. So, what do you do? Take stock of what you have done so far. The essential steps include: 1) Admitting you made a mistake; 2) Apologizing for the mistake; 3) Making amends for the mistake; 4) Promising not to make that mistake again and to try to do better in the future. At any point in the process, the person you have offended can reject your gestures. When that happens, you will just have to accept it. An important lesson in life is that you can't change other people's behaviors and reactions; you can't control them. The only thing you have control over is your own actions and reactions. It is also important to keep in mind that when you do something wrong--whether or not you intended to do it--it is not necessarily a failure. We all make mistakes, and the key is to learn from those mistakes and take those lessons to heart so you may become a better human being as a result. If you constantly strive to be a better person, then even if those people you have wronged in the past do not forgive you, it's okay. It's not a loss; it's a lesson. And that's how you come to terms with something like this. You accept the consequences of your mistake and consider it a lesson in life that will help you to evolve into a better person in the future. We cannot change the past, but changing the past is not what life is about. We are here to learn, and as long as we keep learning, we will stay on the right path in life. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hey, there. My name is William and I had been lying about my age on my Twitter for about a couple of months. I came clean to my online friends who were 18+ artists just yesterday. A big reason I lied was due to how the fandom treats minors who are just trying to enjoy themselves. But I still felt icky and guilty doing it. I told it publicly. Some were hoping to see me when I was 18, but I hurt one of my biggest friends and supporters, and I don't know if I could come back after 4 years knowing what I have done to my most loyal followers. Do you have any advice? William Blur * * * Dear William, To be frank, you have a lot of damage control in store for you. As you know, you violated people's trust, and it sounds like you did so for months (or years?) That ain't good. There are several steps you need to take in order to try to repair this and move forward. Oh, and don't expect this to go quickly. You lied for a long time, and now it will take a long time to get back what you've lost. 1. Confess your lie not just once but two or more times--publicly. 2. Apologize profusely for what you did. 3. Explain why you did it, honestly, but also do not say that this is an excuse for lying. 4. Invite those you lied to to tell you how they feel about what you have done and read (or listen to) every word they say. Don't interrupt. Listen. Don't argue. 5. Make a promise and commitment to yourself and others that you will never ever repeat this mistake or lie again in any other way. 6. Do NOT indulge in creating a new fursona or other identity and then try to pretend you are not the same person because that is yet another lie, and, as a lie, it will eventually be discovered, and THEN you will have NO HOPE of recovering any legitimacy to your good character ever again. I've seen furries try to do this, and what happens is they end up on furry beware lists and become anathema to the community. 7. Learn from the comments you hear. Really listen to how you have affected others. Use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. 8. This step takes the longest: spend the next months and years being an honest furry, one whose word is as good as gold. You must rebuild your reputation not just with words but with actions. Be very patient because, as I said, it will take a loooooong time, but, eventually, people will begin to trust you again with enough evidence provided by you of your good character. 9. Accept that, no matter what you do, you will lose at least some of your friends. Not everyone will forgive you no matter what you do. 10. Finally, learn to forgive yourself. What you did does not necessarily mean you are a bad person, just that you have flaws. We all have flaws. The good news is that if we allow ourselves to acknowledge these flaws, we CAN change. I do not believe in the old saw that people don't change. They do; they can, if they are willing to put in the effort. The good news? You're young. You have time to recover from this. Good luck! Papabear Heyo Papabear!
I've written to you before, but I used the name StormFolf! Well, when I wrote you, Storm was my first Fursona, and I hadn't fully gotten into the fandom yet. But now I've done my research and things are going great! My new name is Harmony. I'm a Raptor! Anyway, I took your advice and told my family and friends about being a Furry, and they were entirely supportive. A few days after telling my brother, he bought me a raptor mask, and a few days after THAT, one of my friends that I told bought me some paws, and painted my mask! Its all thanks to you, and I thank you greatly. I am doing great, except for one thing. I told one group of friends that I was a furry, but they have banded together and won't stop taunting me. They tell me that I'm a f*g, and tell me to stop watching animal porn, when I've made it clear I'm not into that. I've told many adults, but nothing helps. My mom says I may have to stick up for myself, but idk how. Please help, Harmony (age 13) * * * Hi, Harmony, Thank you for your letter and I'm very happy for you that your family has been supportive of your furriness :-3 Okay, about bullies: You may have read some of Papabear's earlier posts about bullies, and the same kind of logic goes with your situation. All bullies are alike, and sometimes they glom together in bully cliques to torment innocent kids like yourself. Bullies behave this way for a couple of reasons: 1) they are insecure about their status in their social group, so they tear down other people to lift themselves up; 2) they have no skills or redeeming qualities in themselves, so to feel better about who they are they pick on others to try to make them outcasts; 3) they are like wolves in a pack, and sensing weakness in others gives them a reason to go on the attack to assert their place in said pack; 4) they are emotionally troubled because they have a lousy home life, which causes anger to build in them and they release this anger on others because they need to vent their frustrations and sadness in some way (even if that is an inappropriate way [this is like the character Gideon Fox]); and 5) they are fearful of anyone who does not adhere to what are considered "social norms," and fear leads to hate, which leads to bullying. Once you understand some of the psychology of the bully (or bully group), you will see that the flaws lie within THEM and not within YOU. You don't get bullied because there is something wrong with you; you get bullied because there is something wrong with them. You describe these people as "a group of friends," but I assure you, they are not. Not if they treat you this way. The way to defeat bullies is to take away their power. What is that power? The power is the ability to make you feel bad about yourself. This is reinforced by the strategy of trying to stick a label on you such as "f*g." The most effective way of fighting back is to show them that what they say has absolutely no effect on you. Yes, at first, this will be difficult, but the more you practice it the more it will be true. When they say things like "You want to watch animal porn" or "you're a f*g," just say something like, "That would really hurt my feelings if I cared at all who you are or what you say. You're not my friend and I have no respect for your opinion." Don't say this with tears in your eyes or angrily. You must do it with great calm and indifference. The more indifferent you are, the more they will see they are not hurting you, and bullying you won't be fun for them anymore. Other things you can say:
Remember, in NO WAY show to them that you are upset. This is actually where you can take some advice from Nick Fox in Zootopia: "Never let them see they got to you." Don't try to defend yourself with arguments or denials because this is engaging with them and that is exactly what they want. They are not interested in your arguments or in the truth. Their sole purpose is to upset you and pick on you. Don't let them. If you do a good job, they'll get tired of you and pick a new target. Then, you might share with that new person what you have read here. Get the idea? You can come up with your own comebacks, too, as you feel appropriate. (Remember, if they turn violent, report it at once. I doubt they will because most bullies are cowards, but you never know). I hope this helps. Thanks for reading Ask Papabear. Hugs, Papabear Grubbs Dear Papabear,
So, I have a friend group, and the "leader," let's call him Fred (not really), is purrfectly fine with furries (see what I did there?) and couldn't care less. However, if I tell him, the other, not so nice kids are bound to find out, like the notorious Steve (also fake) will go, and I quote, "You're f@&$ing a!$ stupid for being into that porn &h$!." And they will tease me about it. I don't know what to do! Please help! ;w; Anonymous (age 12) * * * Dear Cub, Ah, group dynamics are a complex thing. After years (decades, really) of failing to belong to any groups myself, my approach now and forever more will always be to have friendships on a one-on-one basis. You don't have to be friends with everyone in that social circle, especially those who are going to act like "Notorious Steve." Don't worry about that. Why would you want to be friends with haters? Be friends with those who accept you for you, and the others can go take a long walk off a short pier. This is a good time in your life to learn how to figure out which people are friend material and which ones are shallow and judgmental. If you learn this at the age of 12, you will be way ahead of most people in the world by the time you are an adult. Remember, you were not put on this planet to get people's approval. You are here to lend a unique voice to the chorus of humanity. Your job is to learn who you truly are as a person and to live your life genuinely, truthfully. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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