Hi there!
Where do I start? About 2 months ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend after 7 years. Despite everything, I really thought it was all okay but it's curtains for good on me and him now. Being single after having his support for so long is terrifying and I would like nothing more than to be in a relationship again. I've spent the last two months picking myself back up and standing on my own two feet. I've broken down the imaginary house I'd built for me and my boyfriend in my head and left it bare, a clean slate to start over again with a new person... I'm still pretty shaky but my confidence is building back up slowly I want a new relationship; the prospect is simultaneously terrifying and exciting, which tells me it's the right thing to do ... though should I wait until I'm 100% confident? Or just take the plunge? ~Dino (age 24) * * * Greetings, Dino, I’m very sorry about your break up, but you seem to have a good attitude about moving ahead with your life instead of wallowing in the past. Good for you! This is going to be a very short reply (Papabear is usually so long-winded, don’t ya know). Dino, you can never be 100% confident. There are never any guarantees in life. While you shouldn’t just latch on to the next warm body that strolls by (the infamous “rebound relationship”), leave your heart open to love. Go out and live your life, and when someone does come along who tugs at your heart, let them reel you in. Terrifying, exciting, cuddly, aggravating, heart-warming, life-giving. Love is all of these things and more. You don’t need my help. You know what you want. Hugs, Papabear
0 Comments
Dear Papabear,
I've been a follower of yours for a while and I have to say I like that you help us young furs out with our problems as best as you can and for that I say thanxs on behalf of all the young furries out there. Now onto my issue. I'm African American, living in Blue Springs, MO. I live with another fur who shall be known as Serrin. I like him a lot. But right now I'm currently mated to another fur that lives out of state. Now as far as But I'm also pretty sure that I'm the only fur in my area diagnosed as HIV positive.... I’ve been diagnosed HIV positive for a good 3 years now unfortunately. It was actually a little after that time that I joined the Furry Fandom. It's been kinda hard for me to find a person in my area to even be around me let alone a furry ... mainly because of my HIV. Right now I’m classified as HIV undetectable because I’ve been taking medicine for treatment for 2 and a half years. But its also been hard to find a mate that would accept me for who I am. I've had a lot of support from my fur family who consist of mostly males (Serrin being one of those males who also knows of my condition) and ever since I told them about my condition they've all been trying their hardest to help me find someone. Recently I started dating this cute collie furry named Furi. He lives in TX but wants to visit sometime in the winter. Now I haven’t told him about my condition. Mainly because I'm extremely scared that its going to drive him away.... I love him very much and when he graduates school I plan to propose to him. But I don’t want my condition to risk me being alone again. I've been through 3 relationships in the past 2 years that have fallen through because of my condition among other things. I'm not scared to admit it to other people that I meet but lately I've been keeping it to myself because of my fear of driving others away. It’s bad enough I'm alone in my IRL family except for my out of state biological father.... Most of my family treats me like an outcast nowadays. I don't want to be branded an outcast among the only community of people I think understand me. I'd like to know if there’s any way I can break the news to Furi without driving him away and if there is anyway I can live a life without fear of driving other furs away without being ashamed of my condition. If there’s is anything you can do to help me it'd be greatly appreciated. Thanxs, A bolf named Smokey (age 23) * * * Dear Smokey, Thank you for writing me and allowing me to publish your letter on this website. While I have commented in the past about HIV and the risks of contracting it, you are actually the first positive person who has had the courage to contact me and ask about it. I’m really quite surprised it has taken over two years for this to happen, but here we are. I’m very sorry you have HIV, but, if it comes to having this disease, at least you didn’t have it in the 1980s when it was nearly always a death sentence. Treatment is much better today (as evidenced by your current state of health), yet the cocktail of drugs that are necessary to keep the disease at bay can still be hard on the body. Now, while some people might tell you this is going to shorten your lifespan, the truth is not so horrible. Studies show that someone your age with HIV who maintains a healthy lifestyle will live, on average, just 5 months less than someone who doesn’t have it. Pretty statistically negligible. The other hopeful news is that great strides are being made in actually curing HIV. Recently, scientists were able to completely destroy the virus under laboratory conditions, which means the next step will soon be animal testing, and, finally, testing in human patients. I am of the opinion that a cure could be found within your lifetime. As you likely already know, when AIDS and HIV first spilled onto the newspaper headlines, it was a disease largely associated with gay men. Some people—especially the self-righteous—called it the “gay cancer.” Even though that quickly changed and heterosexual people got it, too, that stigma of associating it with homosexuals, and that this was somehow “God’s punishment” for sexual sins, has remained. (I’m not going to ask you how you contracted the virus because that should be irrelevant to anyone who truly cares about you.) [I will pause for a moment for my readers about this, however. There are a lot of young people—furries included—who risk unprotected sex with strangers or people they know very little about because that person says things like, “Oh, I’m not sick, I feel fine, I know I’m negative.” You can be positive for days, even months, without feeling sick. This is why when people get tested, doctors ask them to test again in 6 months to be absolutely sure because you might test fine if you have very recently contracted the disease (cf. http://www.hiv.va.gov/patient/testing/what-results-mean.asp). Finally, while unprotected sex (or sharing of needles when taking drugs) is the most likely ways of getting HIV, you can also get it if you have an open cut or sore that comes into contact with an infected person’s blood or other secretions. The popular notion about oral sex being completely safe is therefore not altogether true. Even bleeding gums might leave you vulnerable.] But people are not going to catch HIV from casual contact with a poz person, and that includes contact with sweat and saliva (through sneezing or kissing, for instance). And you definitely won’t catch it from just touching someone with it. People who shy away from you for those reasons need to be educated and take a chill pill. Even if they realize they won’t catch the disease that way, the other thing that happens—as you are now sadly experiencing, Smokey—is treating you like a pariah and shunning you socially. As they say, it’s times like these when you learn who your true friends—and family!—really are. If they love and respect you, they should accept you, problems included. If you had, say, brain cancer, would these people abandon you? HIV is an illness like any other. If they hate the person with the disease because of how it can be contracted, then what they are really hating is your lifestyle. No one is perfect, and if you went digging into their closets, I’m sure you would fine things they are not proud of, too. Respect, however, works both ways. Just as you expect others to treat you with kindness and consideration, you should do the same to them when you are in a relationship that could entail a sexual component, even if that might mean losing them (and the good ones won’t leave). Think of it this way: say you got together with Furi and you hit it off, but you don’t tell him you’re poz. Some months, maybe even years go by, then something happens where you have to tell him (for example, he wants to have unprotected sex because you’ve become monogamous). At that point, if you don’t tell him and have bareback sex, you have literally committed a crime, as well as a betrayal. If you DO tell him, he’s got to wonder whether you recently cheated on him and now have HIV or if you’ve been lying to him all along. An even worse scenario is that he finds out you are poz from someone else who knows, and then he’ll wonder why you didn’t tell him (the fear being that you might have intended to have sex with him without informing him of the potential risks). Any of these scenarios would damage, if not destroy, your relationship. Papabear gets letters all the time from furries who want secret, magical alternatives to telling the simple truth, or tips on how to say something difficult in a way that will make it sound not so bad. But the reality of it is that you have HIV and there is no way to sugarcoat it. It’s okay if you don’t volunteer this information to everyone you meet (one doesn’t meet people and immediately start going over their sexual history), but when you do get into a relationship and want to have sex, the ONLY thing to do is to tell the truth right from the beginning. Fear often leads us to bad decisions, but it’s much worse when those bad decisions affect other innocent people. Don’t tell Furi about this stuff over the phone or computer. Let him come and visit you in person and spend some time together. It might be that, in person, you don’t hit it off as much as you thought you would. But, if you two really do click, then sit him down and gently tell him, looking him straight in the eye. Some things you might say..... “Furi, I really like you, and I think you like me, too. I want you to know that, if you want to take this any further than friendship, there is something important to say. While I am in good health now and taking medicine, a couple years ago I contracted HIV. I’m doing well, and it is undetectable, but I can’t have unprotected sex with you. It would be safe with a condom, though. I really care a lot about you and I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve lost a lot of close friends and family who can’t handle the fact that I am poz. Please don’t be like them. There is absolutely no risk to you with just casual contact like kissing and hugging. If you have any questions, just ask. I’m being totally honest with you here and I respect you, and that’s why I have told you the truth. I could really use a friend right now, and I hope that friend is you.” Here’s hoping Furi deserves the feelings you have for him and is a good guy. Wishing you love and companionship, Papabear Hello Papa Bear,
This is my first time asking you a question and I freaking luv your stuff!! I'm a very shy fox who is lonely, I draw stuff because I luv to draw!! Here's my question: I have a best friend (who is a male) who I know since 3 months ago. 2 months ago, It was his birthday and I gave him a best birthday ever! He loves my drawing of our fursona and I love his great attitude! We have alot in common and we both are Bi. The problem is that i want to tell him that I "like" him, but he has "friends" and all of the left him and one died.... I want to be his partner, but i'm too shy to ask him and what if he said no. He is always getting lonely and i want him to feel better by being his partner. What am i suppose to do? Do I tell him? Do i wait? or should i not tell him? From, David, Little Fur * * * Hi, Little Fur, I think you are overthinking things. If you truly love this guy and you like each other and have fun with each other and could both potentially be very close, then just tell him your feelings. I know you're afraid of scaring him away, but if you don't ask you'll never know. Perhaps he is feeling the same thing and is wondering if he should ask YOU! If neither of you say anything, then nothing will happen. Sometimes, when you are too shy, you miss opportunities in life, and that would be a shame. Just be honest with the guy. Worst case scenario: he says he likes you but isn't in love with you. In which case, you'll know and you'll stop torturing yourself with what-ifs. If this happens, say that you understand and that you wish to continue the friendship as is. Another thing that could happen is he might not be ready NOW but he might be LATER. So, keep yourself in the game. Be honest, and if the answer isn't quite what you wanted, don't pout and be a drama queen about it because that's a sure way to scare someone off. Keep your head on straight and continue the friendship. And, if he DOES return the affection, you'll feel awesome and wonder why you waited so long to ask. Wishing You Love, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a 12th grader and I hold many responsibilities at my school. I am an excellent (B+) student, I am the coordinator of all the clubs, I make sure my classmates get the lesson, and I am president of 12th grade and supervisor of 11-9th grade. I know I will always have the respect of (most) of my classmates and maybe admiration of others? But my hormones are kicking in, and since I have a talent in drawing, I can’t let it go to waste. I get unpleasant looks whenever someone peeks at what I am busy drawing when I am free. I am doing everything into a sketchbook that I have. (I already showed it to a few that I can absolutely trust, and they don’t care about the weirdness, they still like what I can do). But with all my responsibilities, I want to "come out" as being a furry. I might not lose face with other students, and I don't mind name-calling, but I am pretty sure word can easily get out to teachers, and with them, I am always breaking rules here and there (skipping home works. being dismissed half the day...etc.). I love responsibility, and you cant imagine how much I love it! My father still fixes my plate when we are at lunch! I am not even allowed to walk to a store that's 3 KM away! I don't want to ruin my "mask," and I don't want to throw it out either. I know my teachers will think I am very peculiar and will even try contacting my own father. I just don't feel as normal discussing this topic with someone that is either way older or much younger than I am, so what are some words I can replace if I get "caught" (I know they will get into my sketchbook and call blasphemy. or even research about the furry fandom). Any good vocabulary I can use? any good quotes/comebacks or sentences or even a book I can get information out of to steer things in my favor? One other thing... I am certain the French teacher is gay (oh, the stereotypes!) last year and the year before, I would just draw innocent stuff, and mostly not related to anthros and show it off to anyone, including him. This year he keeps catching me drawing, but he has never seen the contents yet (and he is curious). But most of this sketchbook is filled with nudes. There is only 4 other people in my class I know for certain are gay, and I am excited in showing off this stuff, but is it really that okay for a teacher to see these things from a student? Things in UAE are very ... what's the word? Unorthodox? The schools director won’t punish me for carrying nudes that I can draw (but my dad might break my head in with a hammer if he finds out). In fact, people here lack talent and would actually appreciate talents, no matter how it is put to use. You make a lot of sense, so I am counting on your experience and knowledge for an answer that can relief me. THANKS!!! William (age 17) * * * Dear William, Hmm, your thinking here is a bit muddled, but I will try to unravel all the things you touch on. You are concerned, it sounds like, that being “caught” as a furry will ruin the status (academic and social) that you have at school. And you wish to “come out” as a furry (but not as gay? You don’t mention coming out as gay, just furry). The common sense first piece of advice I can give you is that if you don’t want to be caught drawing naked furries, don’t draw them in public and don’t carry around a sketch book full of porn to your classes and other school-related activities. Draw that stuff and leave it at home or some secure place. I could get psychological on you and suggest that you are doing this because you want to be caught, saving you the trouble of “coming out” in a more formal way. I’m surprised by your comment that the director at your school wouldn’t be upset by your nude drawings (I figured the UAE would be more conservative than that), but your dad would be (explaining, perhaps, why you don’t draw at home). Anyway, you are stuck between your desire to keep your responsibilities and admiration at school (guessing you don’t get this at home, judging by your comments about your father) and wanting to be yourself as a gay furry. You’re apparently under the impression that Papabear can feed you the “secret words” to use so that you can reveal your true identity and everyone will somehow be fine with that because of the way you phrase it, not because of the facts you reveal. I’m sorry, but no such magical words exist. People have asked me this question before because they are hoping beyond hope that there is a way to have their cake and eat it too (cf. http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/his-love-for-a-man-is-forbidden-in-the-unite-arab-emirates). Your choices are either: 1) continue as you are doing, keeping your drawings and gay identity to yourself; or 2) come out as a gay furry and risk being a target of prejudice and discrimination and possible prosecuteion (in the UAE) while (on the upside) knowing that you are no longer living a lie. Some people you may tell will be okay with who you are, but, inevitably, there will be people who are not okay with it. You will lose them as friends, peers, mentors, family, any one of whom could betray you in the dangerous game you are playing. This is one reason why so many LGBT people bristle when conservatives declare that being homosexual is a “choice.” Who would choose to live a life in which you are discriminated against, hated, and feared? Nobody, that’s who. William, you are 17 and soon to be leaving your high school, I’m sure. Papabear says now is not the time for you to make such a choice. There is no rush for you to “come out.” Instead, finish school, move out of your father’s home, get a job, and then you can talk about being a furry and being gay from a position of strength in which your future does not hang from the judgment of others who could harm you (preferably while living in another country). That said, I would further advise you against coming out at all because of where you live. The penal code in the United Arab Emirates specifically states that sodomy, including consensual sodomy, is a crime punishable by death. Sharia law also makes being gay a crime (if you are a foreign visitor, you are subject to immediate deportation). The good news is that, so far, no gay people have been put to death in the UAE, but imprisonment has occurred. While I appreciate your desire to come out, both as a furry and as gay, I don’t recommend it for you. I’m not sure if you draw male or female furry nudes, or both, but the furry community is often associated with the gay community because we have so many gay furries, so even if you just came out as furry, and not gay, you are putting yourself in danger. You would be wise to stop showing off your furry and gay art. The good news is, if you wish to be an artist there is a whole universe of things out there you can draw. Art can be very fulfilling, and it certainly doesn’t have to involve porn. Don’t let your teenage hormones kidnap your intelligence and lead you into trouble. I know that this can be difficult, but try and play it smart. Maybe, someday, we will live in a world where people are more understanding, but today you must be a realist. Take care, Papabear Hello, Papabear.
My name is Alex and I found out about what you do a couple of weeks ago and I think it's amazing. I've been reading lots of letters and even learned things about myself reading them. So here it goes. I don't know what I want anymore. I keep telling myself that if I get out of Brazil all my problems are going to go away and I know that's not truth. Its truth, Brazil sucks, I don't like it here and I'll get out of here eventually. But when I leave, I'll be out of goals, nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for. I think that maybe if I get out of here I'll be able to have more friends than I have here and even a girlfriend. Which might not be truth, maybe I don't get any friends and maybe I don't even get a girlfriend because I actually don't know my sexuality. I think its because I've been addicted to porn for too long (I realized I was addicted to porn because of another letter on the site) . I kissed some girls and really hated it, I found it really gross touching tongues and I kinda dated a furry boy on the Internet once because he gave me attention and it made me feel special and loved, but I ended it on the premises that I was not gay. I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel like its going to be like this forever and everyone asks me if I'm okay, I always smile and say that everything is fine. I say that I'm fine to my parents and to my friends but I'm confused and I don't know what I should do to make this better. I can't bring myself to tell anyone about it because in the last years I really grew financially and since then I been buying lots of stuff, I got my own place, I got into the best college in the country. So to everyone else it seen that I have a perfect life, and I know that my situation is really really good for someone of my age but no matter how much money I spent, how good do I look, I still feel hollow. Sometimes I feel like I want to have a family and get married, but then I remember my own family and I remember that I don't believe in marriage or families. But I'm human too right? Humans need people in their lives don't they? I've been feeling this way for a long time and I keep telling myself that I got nothing to complain about and that I have to man up and just get rich, but lately I been doubting the power of money to make my problems go away. Would you have any advice for me, Papabear? Alex (age 21) P.S. Sorry if my English is too confusing and thank you for taking some time to read my letter. * * * Saudações, Alex, Your letter is correct in many aspects, so I can already tell you are a pretty bright person. You know that money and things can’t buy you happiness (you say you are doubtful, but you really do know that it can’t). You know that, although you don’t like Brazil much, just leaving the country won’t guarantee you new friends and someone to love. But in other areas you are confused and sometimes incorrect. For instance, you want a family but you think because your own family has problems (I’m guessing that is what turns you off marriage) that you can’t have a successful marriage of your own. You’re also questioning your sexuality, and you are really pressuring yourself to find someone to love under the assumption that you can’t be happy by yourself. In other words, you are looking for happiness everywhere except where you should be looking for it: from within. Money and possessions won’t make you happy, moving to another country won’t make you happy, having a successful career won’t make you happy (that is, if it is a career designed purely to make money or to have power over others), and even finding somone in your life does not necessarily make you happy. (Many marriages have made people profoundly unhappy). When we raise children, we worry about their education, whether they are materially provided for, whether they will find success in life, whether they will find a spouse and have children. What we should do when we raise children, however, is help them find out who they are while also teaching them about the world. It is only when you understand who you really are as a person and what you feel your individual purpose is in life that you will find your true happiness. I understand that you are lonely and want someone in your life to share with, but that’s going to be very difficult to do if you don’t understand what you want, and you don’t. You don’t really know if you want a marriage and you don’t even know what gender you prefer for a mate. Therefore, even if you found someone you like, chances are it will be a very troubled partnership. I would like you to ask yourself the following questions to help you discover who you are:
When you think about the above, do not think in terms of jobs or money or status. Think about all areas, including family, friends, love, art, charity, causes, religion/spirituality, your participation in humanity and the global experience. Think about moments in your life that may have really opened your eyes about something or profoundly touched your heart and soul. Remember, happiness is not an end goal, it is a journey. Do not forget to value the “small” things in life: the touch of a friend’s hand, the beauty of the ocean, the songs of birds. Life is very short. Live in the moment; if you always look to the horizon you will miss what is right there at your feet. Every moment is valuable and not to be taken for granted. What does this have to do with solving your problem of loneliness? Believe it or not, when you have figured out who you are and achieve the contentment, happiness, and self-confidence that comes with it, love will find you. There is nothing more attractive to another person that finding a man or woman who is honest, kind, and at peace. There are few things more off-putting than a person who is needy, lacks confidence, and is desperately seeking someone else to validate their own existence. Find out who you are and the rest will fall into place, and that “hollow” sensation inside you will be filled. Wishing You Happiness, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I would never think I would need to write you again, your advice has helped me through many obstacles in my life and I thank you for it. Now I'm facing a hurdle that I'm not sure I can get over as easily (as if my previous issues were a walk in the park heh) if you can recall from my previous letter ("Stepfather from Hell" I believe was the title) my mate and I have blossomed since then. We remained living together for some time before he was laid off from his job. Financially tightened we moved back into with my mother. We remained there for over a year, one day he packs to travel to visit home, the reason I cannot recall. He regrets that I cannot go with him, it didn't bother me at all that he was going back by himself. He heads off and I am smiling and happy when he comes home, having patiently waited for him like the canid I was, my tail wagging and kisses. We even have this cute pet/master relationship fun (non-gorean and completely consensual, being a pet is a bit of a kink of mine). This is where the warm and fuzzy updates end, unfortunately. Fast forward one year. We both now have work and a place to call our own in an apartment. Unfortunately, the increased burden led to higher stress and tempers. I was always the more submissive member of the pack, so I would never fight back with his aggression. Our fights were petty but often and after a more recent argument (I was a messy artist and had an awful habit of leaving my supplies everywhere, and it was the one time too many) we bicker and yell and move to a state of peace where we cool down looking at our phones. This time was different. He kept looking at me with, worried and pained eyes, like he was scared of me or what I might say. I have never has this look from him in any of the 5 total years in knowing him, not for any occasion or any reason except when I asked him what was wrong. Hesitant at first I pushed for an answer, a heavy feeling was in my chest, I dreaded his answer but I didn't know why. I had to know. He tells me.... He has allowed another female to stray to his bed when he was away one year ago. He has betrayed me in the worst possible way and I was in hellish agony. The man that rescued me from my tormentor had broken his promise to be faithful to my love. I was devastated, heartbroken, and angry. Years of repressed anger and suffering all flowing out of my soul like a poisoned river, he was meant to be my first last and only man in my life. I was faithful to him in both mind and body (I would mentally block all males or temptations of males by being easily distracted by minor things like falling leaves or buzzing flies, costly to my attention span as it was). I wanted to hit him, scream at him, stab him, kill him. Most of all I wanted to kill myself because not only did I feel like I did something wrong but that I felt like I deserved it in some way. Even with this betrayal I could not deal with the fact that such evil was caused by him and him alone, I had to have done something wrong. Was I not pretty enough, did I make him so bitter at me that he did this as punishment? All the questions pointed to how it was my fault. Those thoughts still hover in my head now as I write this. As I wailed in pain he looks to me in shame, grips me tightly, I struggle screaming at him to let me go and he embraces me tightly. He was crying saying sorry over and over again how he was so weak. How he had let another female tempt him so easily in times of stress, he wanted to keep this secret to the grave, not just to hide it from me to get away with it, but because he knew the unmentionable pain it would cause. He tells me he had regretted his sin as soon as he did it. That he could not stand being next to the female after his act, and that he was plagued with excruciating nightmares of me finding his secret and killing myself or leaving him altogether. He tells me he's seen visions of me hanging from our closet and that he does not want to die alone. That he wants me to be his wife, the mother of his children, to be with him beyond forever. Since his confession I have had to keep blades away from him. He has begun to show signs of wanting to hurt himself even so far as to almost demand me I stab him, demand I take revenge for my pain. I wouldn't do it, despite my rage I wouldn't and I took his knife away from him. He has been depressed for the past 2 days of his confession. Despite his betrayal I still feel compassion and the need to comfort him. He tells me it's not my fault, that he was the one who fucked up. That he ruined years of relationship just by spending a night with the stray, he tells me he wants to make this better he wants to do anything in his power to keep me by his side. "Hate me, spit on me, stab me, yell at me, hurt me in every way you feel is right until death, just don't leave me alone, I don't want to die alone." I had asked him what he would have done if I was to turn away forever; he has mentioned that he would work himself to death that life would not be worth living. His words and tears were sincere I know I can feel it, but is that just hope that he wasn't lying? Will he stay faithful for another chance? On one final leap of faith I tell him his infidelity was forgiven, but I could not forgive him hiding it from me, lying to me about he always have only me on his bed every night. He said he didn't care as long as I was still at his side. Even after telling him I forgive him I still don't know what to do to heal us. I looked at relationship articles for some advice but they all seem the same. Which is why I am writing to you now. Every time I look at him, I ache inside, his touch is like touching a ghost now. I don't want these feelings to last forever and I want us to be able to heal each other, and he shows to be very willing to do what ever it takes to make things better. He seems to show deep regret for what he has done and I'm willing to believe that we can work this out. Papabear with your unbiased view did I make the right decision to forgive him? Am I weak for forgiving him? (With modern feminist views I am not sure anymore about any of my actions in this situation. I still feel like his betrayal was my fault.) And can you give us any advice to both he and I on how we can help heal together. Thanks for reading this extensive letter. It was just as exhausting writing it as it was experiencing it. Broken Hearted Wolf (age 22) * * * Dear Broken Hearted, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” –Lewis B. Smedes, Christian theologian The quick answer: you are right to forgive him, and you must also forgive yourself. Your reaction to his confession is understandable, especially given that you were raped by your stepfather. One of the sad side effects of rape is that the victim often blames herself. You have not completely recovered from the psychological trauma of that rape and that self-doubt, and, therefore, your boyfriend’s cheating on you with another woman immediately brought up all those past feelings of betrayal and guilt. It is important to note here that your boyfriend is not your stepfather. You stepfather raped you; your boyfriend is not a rapist (it was consensual, apparently), and, unlike your stepfather, he is miserably guilty about what he did, is begging for forgiveness, and wants to be with you and make amends. The question comes up, then: why did he do this? I suspect a couple of contributing factors (none of these are to excuse his behavior, mind you, merely to try to explain it so that solutions can be explored). The first is stress over money. You might not think that stress and sex are related, but they really are. Sex is an amazing stress reliever. Why didn’t he have sex with you, then, to relieve this tension? Probably, at the time, you were arguing and in a bad mood. Apparently, when the two of you argue, whether over silly things like art supply messes or more serious things like money problems, your solution was to stop fighting and stare at your phones until you calmed down. This is a very poor way to deal with a problem and is not communicating at all. Therefore, what ever was causing the upset was still the gorilla in the room, and that gorilla grew larger with each argument. Again, this isn’t to put blame on anyone, merely explaining things. So, my suggestion regarding this small part of the problem is to work on improving your communication skills. I wrote a column about this last year that includes some rules about fair fighting practices: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/learning-to-fight-fairly-is-important-in-any-relationship. There are a number of reasons why people cheat. Judging by what you have written about your boyfriend so far, I would not conclude issues such as sex addiction or trying to escape the relationship (he definitely wants to be with you). No, more likely, the possible reasons on his part include extreme stress, depression, low self-esteem, and avoidance of problems (escapism). Again, not excusing his behavior, but Papabear suspects that because of the horrible thing that happened to you your boyfriend was placed in the role of “knight in shining armor” and could not handle the burden of such responsibility because he has issues too (does he not?) You have never mentioned what his background was and whether he has been having any emotional issues, too. There is the possibility of this mental reasoning that could be buried deep in his subconscious: “She sees me as this perfect man, this rescuer, this savior who can do no wrong, but I’m not! I’m really flawed and have problems too that I don’t feel I can admit to her. I’m only human! I’m going to sabotage my image of purity and that will alleviate this burden of perfectionism.” I know that might sound irrational, but it is very human. Now is the time to start putting your relationship back together for both of your sakes. You are in pain, he is in pain. His cheating on you, really, is a symptom of much deeper issues that both of you need to address. The good news is that you have the most powerful weapon in the universe to heal your pain: LOVE. As you said, even with your extreme anguish, you still want to reach out to him, and he still wants to be with you and marry you. If these things were not true, I would advise you to dump him. BUT! They ARE true, so please don’t give up on each other. So, what now??? That’s the big question. Here are things I would suggest:
Papabear believes that what happened here is rather like shaking a Champaign bottle. The liquid in the bottle (your relationship) is delicious and intoxicating, but if agitated long and hard enough eventually the cork is going to explode out of the bottle and there will be a big mess with hopes and dreams spilled on the ground. You can still recover from the hurt, you can still have a relationship. You have the tools to do it (love and forgiveness). Use them to rebuild your trust. Realize that you are both humans with flaws but that if you work together and communicate you can have a beautiful future together. I wish you luck and love. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how it is going. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
This isn't the first time I've written to you. Your advice really does help. I find myself wanting to write to you with every problem but that would be a bit annoying. So, My dad is in the army. I'm 17, so I still have a few more years to deal with all the moving because I want to wait until I'm financially stable before I move out or even go to college. My question relates to this big time, though. I already mentioned I'm 17, but I've moved a total of 33 times in my life, in state and outside of state from all over the USA. It's a lot for a kid to move, and you could probably imagine the pain I've gone through having to leave my friends each time, if not having to experience it yourself. I don't have trouble communicating when people talk to me, and I seem like a social butterfly around my friends. Making friends isn't a problem for me, either. But take those friends away, and boom, you have a depressed teen with extremely bad anxiety issues. I've written to you before about depression and your advice helped me cope with it, but this one is about the anxiety. My social anxiety is really really bad. I have trouble being alone in a large crowd while my friend takes a bathroom break for 5 minutes. My stomach feels like it's being tied into several knots, even knots on top of those knots, and I feel really shaky. Sometimes, I'll even break down in a large crowd. I can't go anywhere without someone I know and trust, and because I move a lot, it's really hard to find people I can trust. Well, recently, my dad got stationed in Mississippi. Before this, I've been in Puerto Rico, and the Mormon states in the Northwest, which is where I grew up for 14 years in many different parts of it, so you can imagine the huge change from a completely different culture and completely different views to down here where everyone is.....different. There really isn't any other word I could use to describe it here. I have been having major trouble making friends here, especially with the majority of the population of this town belonging to gangs. As I mentioned previously, I am 17, meaning I'll be 18 soon and I'll have 2-4 more years until I go off to college. Between this time, I have to get a job. My social anxiety is the problem. I really don't know how to deal with it appropriately. If I listen to music or make some kind of a beat on the spot, it works just fine for me and I'll feel fine, but that isn't something I can do in any random place. If I happen to get an office job, I can’t simply put in headphones during a meeting, it's rude and I could get in trouble for it. Another way I deal with this is bringing a plushie with me where I go. The people here though seem to frown upon a nearly-adult male bringing a plushie with them to Walmart or a restaurant. With no job, I rely on the small things I do in the fandom to get money, like art and selling some music, as well as my allowance from my family, which is only $10 every other week and I have to pay for my own lunches from the store. My parents refuse to put me in therapy or get me medication to help with my anxiety, and I don't have the money to pay for therapy myself. So do you have any advice on how to deal with horrible social anxiety appropriately in everyday life? It would really help me get my life back on track and could probably mean the difference between a mansion and my parents' basement. Thanks, An average robot dragon * * * Dear Robot Dragon, I’m gratified that my advice has been helpful in the past, thank you. Yes, there are things you can do to ease your issues with anxiety. One of the problems you’re having is that you move around so much and your life is unstable as a result. I moved a couple times as a kid and young adult, but certainly nowhere near 33 times! Just the couple times I did move were very hard for me; I didn’t make friends as easily as you do, so at least you have that going on in your favor. The solution would be to find a way to settle down in one place for a while, but, unfortunately, that won’t happen as long as you’re dependent on your family and military father. Let’s explore some possibilities. I would recommend that, instead of trying to find work with a high school diploma and earning enough money to go to college (extremely hard to do with the current cost of education), you should explore options for scholarships, grants, and loans for children of the military. Go to http://www.finaid.org/military/veterans.phtml to learn more. There’s a good chance that you can get a lot of your higher education paid for through military or other government programs. To keep costs low, I always recommend that, whenever possible, you spend your first two years at a community college and then transfer those credits to a four-year school. Talk to a college advisor about reciprocal agreements that often exist between community colleges and four-year schools with which they partner. This is a much surer way of getting a college education than trying to pay for it with a low-wage job. Going to college will also stabilize your life, especially if you live on campus. You’ll develop a routine that will continue for two or more years, make friends, and feel like you have a more “normal” life. Next, modify your diet. Believe it or not, certain foods can cause you to be more mellow, and other foods can make you more anxious (caffeine being the obvious one). Some foods that make you more like a cool bear include:
Besides caffeinated foods (coffee, non-herbal teas, chocolate, and sodas), avoid candy (the sugar rush and insulin high is followed by a big low. Also avoid booze, processed foods (hint: if it has more than three ingredients in it and most you can’t pronounce, it’s probably crappy for your body), and foods high in sugars (whether natural sugars, high-fructose corn syrup, or artificial sweeteners). Avoid food with aspartame artificial sweetener at all cost as it is a chemical that harms the nervous system (I don’t care what the FDA says). Next, there are several calming activities you can pursue:
You’ve led a very topsy-turvy life, so, really, the single best thing you can do is find a way to stop moving around so much. You are putting up barriers for yourself that don’t need to be there. There are always ways around such things. At 17, you need to plan to get out into the world on your own and stabilize your life. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t show appreciation for your father, who is doing a brave thing through his military service while also supporting a family, but this is having a bad effect on you, and since your parents refuse to help you need to take matters into your own paws. Don’t be afraid to start taking command of your own destiny. You’re old enough to do it! Good luck! Papabear Hello, Papabear.
First things first, I freakin' love your stuff. I read the letters every time I see a new one whenever I get the chance. So, thanks. Moving along, so I've got a bit of a problem that I need confirmation for the solution I've been currently using. Suggestions on what I should do are also welcome(Needed. LOL). See, I was this friend who'd do anything for the sake of others. I liked helping out others and I just couldn't say no especially to people I really care about. I was rather okay about this for the last 2-3 years, I didn't complain. And then last summer when I got separated with my classmates who were my only friends, I just went into a rather distant mode as I've come to realize from my lonely time alone that they may have just come to like me because I gave them benefits in terms of school stuff. I wasn't smart enough to realize how much of a slave I've become to them because of my absolute kindness. I thought that since school was over, they didn't need me anymore. I just became so distant and depressed that summer. Depression wasn't really new but, hey. I got depressed because I overthink a lot when I have nothing to do. College has been making me busy so it's not too much of a problem now. Moving on, I'm an introvert and have what I think is social anxiety so I'm not really outgoing. Most of them hung out with people who were rather adventurous. I know I'm not that fun and outgoing but somehow it hurts that they have someone better. I don't even know if I had a best friend since most of my friends are rather the opposite of me. There's this one close friend but I'm hesitant to call him my best friend because he's really extroverted and he has several best friends which I know he would prefer to hang out with. There's this other one who was my ex but she has a boyfriend now and they're both so focused on each other that it seems like they've shut off all other people besides the two of them. I tried my best to adapt and what became of me is this numb person who doesn't really trust anyone that much. I don't consider anyone now as a best friend since it only ends up being one sided. I'm just sick of it all, how people will only come to me because they need something. Currently, I'm being as selfish as I can without acting like a jerk. Selfish as in I'm trying to put myself in consideration, I'm trying to value myself more, and the likes. I only consider friends as friends, nothing that will go to the point of best friendship. I'm trying not to put my hopes up or expecting too much. I try not to get too attached to anyone. Is what I'm doing okay? Thank you, Trevor Locklear (age 16) * * * Dear Trevor, You fell victim to the nature of most human beings to see someone who will be useful to them and take advantage of that. Anyone with a kind heart such as yours has been used by another person. The danger here is to become so jaded that your heart hardens; you don’t trust people because you’ve been used over and over. You then become blind when a good person does come along. You push them away and miss an opportunity for a golden friendship ... or more. The trick is to have a delicate balance between being a complete tool and being a loner. This is something that, at 16, you’re just becoming aware of. You’re way ahead of me at that age; I didn’t really get a full grasp of this dilemma until my 40s! What you need to do is learn how to become a good judge of character. Ask yourself these questions when you’re establishing friendships.
These ten questions can be your barometer for judging a person’s character. Real friends want to hang out with you because they enjoy your company, not because they want something from you. Are favors part of a friendship? Sure, but such incidents should arise only occasionally, not as a matter of course. How do you find new friends? By becoming involved in life and the many things it has to offer, you will be, inevitably, exposed to other people who share your interests. Sharing activities with them will establish bonds, and, over time, strong bonds as long as both parties are of good character. Don’t give up on friendship yet, Trevor. Just learn how to be a better judge of character. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I first of all thank you for reading my thoughts on this touchy subject. I know many people would call me "homophobe" and probably worse things, but here's my question: Why is it ok to attack and try to destroy a way of thinking and life that was what this country was formed upon then using its laws that it designed to protect that ideal to force another ideal onto its people? Now I do know a (sadly one, and she is an amazing girl, don't get me wrong) homosexual, but the idea of taking the idea of marriage and twisting it in a way that distorts its true purpose destroy the meaning of it. I also think of the Cascade Effect, when it comes to marriage rights, (no Offense) "why can't I marry a guy?" "why can't I marry my Dog," then finally my kicker, "why can't I marry my (Abiotic) Object," I know that sounds weird and stupid but I believe it would happen. Even if the right to marry were granted, there would be couples that I would go to there wedding, but what about if--(Your relationship is slightly similar based of your autobiography, but not at all like what I’m sourcing,)--A man or a woman leaves a man-woman relationship for another of the same sex? http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2014/09/13692/ Does that not disturb the reason for why marriage was around in the first place. If its drop-in, drop-out, why have it? Thanks for reading my Right-winged Ideals and putting up with my "close-mindedness" HaHa Goodbye Papabear. Fai Tale * * * Dear Fai Tale, I want to thank you kindly for your letter and I am very happy to respond to it. I am not going to call you a homophobe, but I am going to call you “uninformed” because opinions such as yours are arrived at whenever a person is not informed of the truth. Hatred and prejudice are based upon ignorance. For example, white racists used to sincerely believe (and there probably some around who still do) that black people didn’t have souls (OMG, right? but true!) so it was okay to enslave them, and they felt it was a crime against God (i.e., unnatural) for a black person to marry a white one. Another example: men used to think women were too stupid to be allowed to vote, and the result was that women in this country didn’t have that right until 1920. (Would you say someone like Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton was too stupid to participate in the political process?) I could go on, but you get the idea about how ignorance leads one to false conclusions that are harmful to others. The best way to fight against ignorance and hate, therefore, is education. Here we go.... Let’s talk a little about the institution of marriage. For the majority of human history, marriage in most societies has been about arranging contracts between two families or two political states. It wasn’t about love at all. That’s why it was a “contract.” In tribal societies, for instance, a chief might marry his daughter to a rival chief’s son in order to stop a war and create strong political allies (also explains why having many wives made you a big shot). The same was true for royal families in Europe, for another example. For centuries, too, there were “matchmakers” hired by families to find good spouses for daughters so that their children would be provided for. Have you heard of a dowry? I still own my great-grandmother’s cedar dowry chest (one of my prized possessions). Dowries were basically a way for a family to bribe the groom’s family to take their daughter off their hands because sons made money and had careers while daughters were seen as nothing more than housekeepers, cooks, and baby factories. How romantic. Often, women were married off years before they had their first menstrual cycle. That sort of thing still goes on in the world today. For example, in Yemen, it is okay for a man to marry an eight-year-old girl (http://beforeitsnews.com/alternative/2013/09/yemen-is-a-pedophiles-paradice-nation-where-old-men-marry-preteens-pushing-little-girls-to-suside-or-death-2760910.html). It wasn’t until the nineteenth century that marriage “for love” started to gain favor among the majority of people in “civilized” societies like the United States. So, there you have the historical foundation for marriage. We had “marriage in the first place” as a formal way of having a man take care of someone’s daughter and/or to form social or political bonds of convenience. One more thing to clarify: the difference between the religious ceremony of marriage and the civil union authorized by the state. Two different things. When I got married, my fiancée and I did two things: 1) we had to get a marriage license from the local courthouse (show ID to prove residency, get blood tests, pay fees), and 2) we had to get someone to be an officiant at the marriage. In our case, this was a minister, but it doesn’t have to be; it can be a judge, justice, marriage commissioner, magistrate, a ship’s captain, or even a friend or family member who gets a temporary license to perform the ceremony. People get married in churches or temples because of their religious convictions or because of family or social pressures and conventions to do so, but it is not required that you marry in a church. The marriage is a ceremony; it is the civil union that has to do with laws, taxes, etc. What the homosexual community has really been fighting for the legal right to form civil unions. It’s partly the gay and lesbian community’s fault for creating confusion by the assertion that they want weddings in churches, thus introducing the element of religion into it, and, when you do that, people start thumping Bibles and other sacred texts in protest. What gays and lesbians really want is the same legal rights that heteros have—that is, to have rights in estate planning, raising children, visiting spouses in hospitals, etc. Ceremonies in churches are just the icing on the wedding cake. One misconception among those who are against the rights of homosexuals to marry is that the U.S. government is going to force churches to perform wedding ceremonies should this right become federally approved. Nope. There is still separation of church and state in this country, and no church or other religious institution can be forced to marry any couple if it does not wish to (that includes heterosexuals). As for the notion that gay people are somehow attacking a way of thinking and way of life, neither I nor any gay or lesbian person I know or have ever heard of is against heterosexual marriage (it’s vice versa, doncha know). I guess what you’re perhaps saying is that when homosexuals marry, it is an attack on the institution of heterosexual marriage. It is not. No one in the LGBT community is trying to destroy traditional marriage. When two men or two women get married for love, it does not cause divorce rates for heterosexuals to soar. If you want to look to anyone to blame for degrading the state of holy matrimony, look at heterosexuals. The divorce rate in this country hit 50% long before any gay people were allowed to marry. Or, look at people like Britney Spears, whose first marriage lasted three days. That’s days, not years. Is that okay because she’s straight? Is her behavior helping to uphold the “sanctity of marriage”? I’m not sure what laws you think this country was founded upon, but I believe that the U.S. Constitution mentions that all people should be equal and be given the same rights under the law (federal judges have consistently struck down state laws banning gay marriage when challenged in federal court). There is nothing in the Constitution about marriage or that everyone in this country should be heterosexual. Are you saying our Founding Fathers were all fine, upstanding, moral people when it came to marriage? Hmm. I give you Thomas Jefferson, who cheated on his wife with many of his slaves (most notably, Sally Hemmings, whose children he freed while keeping her a slave). I give you Benjamin Franklin, who also fathered many kids out of wedlock and was a well-known lothario (he especially enjoyed his time with the ladies as Ambassador to France). Alexander Hamilton had to resign as Secretary of the Treasury when his three-year affair was discovered. (In fairness, there were a lot of faithful Founding Fathers, such as George Washington [my hero], James Madison [a short guy; Dolly would have kicked his ass], and John Adams). So, what, exactly, do you mean by the “true purpose” of marriage? Do you mean for procreation? Some people think that marriage should only be about giving people the socially approved legal right to have kids. Okay, so, does that mean that an older straight couple shouldn’t be allowed to marry because they are not planning to have kids? What about a war veteran who has been wounded and can no longer father a child? Should he not be allowed to marry? Infertile couples who can only adopt? And, you know, many heterosexual couples don’t want children but they do wish to be married. Would that be forbidden under your paradigm? The Cascade Effect. I love this one. It reminds me of Bill Murray in Ghost Busters telling the bureaucrat that if he doesn’t let them do something about the ghosts there will be utter chaos, including dogs marrying cats. It’s interesting that you mention that, given that I just saw the play “Anita Bryant Died for Your Sins” at a local playhouse. For those of you who aren’t old enough to remember, Anita was a singer and beauty pageant winner who began spouting anti-gay hatred in the 1970s. One of her quotes was, “If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters." Not sure what she had against nail biters, hmm. Anyway, this talk linking gay marriage to marriage between people and animals really got going with people like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA). (Should I mention what “santorum” has come to mean in gay slang....? No, there might be young people reading this.) Well, to counter that argument, let’s look at countries (and U.S. states) where gay people can marry. These nations include: Iceland, Norway, Finland, England, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Spain, Portugal, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, Brazil, Uruguay, and Argentina. Nineteen U.S. states have now legalized same-sex marriage. In none of these countries or states are we seeing a rise in people marrying horses or dogs or their favorite lamp, nor do we see any proposed legislation requesting that this be allowed. The crux of what seems to be bothering you, it appears, has to do with the article you cite in which a woman is upset that her husband has left her after announcing he is gay. She feels his actions have destroyed her family and her life. I can understand her emotions. My divorce was traumatic for both me and my now-ex. From what I have seen, there are two types of situations regarding marriages where one partner is gay. In the first (and I’ve known people who have done this) a gay man (or woman, but usually a man) marries to conceal the fact that he’s homosexual. His family or society at large frightens him and so he seeks a way to make it seem he is straight. The result is either that he remains in a marriage in which he is unhappy or he eventually realizes he can’t live a lie anymore and he gets a divorce. Now, I do have a problem with this because the man in this case is being deceitful. I can understand why it happens in a world where homophobia is rampant, but it’s still not a thing I would condone. The second scenario is what happened to me and some other friends I know: we didn’t realize we were gay at the time we got married. I know, this sounds incredibly dense of us, but it does happen. In my case, my only exposure to gay men (mostly through the media) showed them as being very effeminate. This wasn’t attractive to me, so I thought I was straight. I much later discovered bears and that pretty much awakened what was in me all along (looking back, there were signs all along, but I didn’t recognize them because my father would crush such behavior quickly). Anyway, I tried to hide my knowledge for four long years. I went to therapy at my wife’s recommendation (she knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what), but it didn’t help at all (you can’t cure being gay). We were both miserable, and then one day it just all spilled out and I confessed to her. I can’t tell you how awful this was for me, and I know it was for her, too. But, in the end, it was better for us all. She is now with a nice guy and I am with a loving partner, too, and all of us can be who we really are. I don’t have any children, and I know this can be a concern. I have a dear friend who not only went through what I did, but he also has two sons. He got a divorce and eventually told everyone why. His kids are supportive and he and his wife (like me and mine) are friends. Therefore, it is not necessarily true that when this scenario happens it destroys lives. On the contrary, when handled by mature, open-minded, intelligent, and loving people, the final results can be very positive. Remember, it is not what happens in your life that defines you; it is how you handle the challenges that life presents you. You ask, “If it’s drop-in drop-out why have it [marriage]?” Straight people get divorced; gay people get divorced; people who find out they have grown apart or are not what they thought they were get divorced. Why have it? My ex asked me once if I thought the 20+ years we were married were “a waste of time.” God, no. Those years are some of the most treasured I will ever have. I had some joyous times; I did a lot of growing up. Wasted? No way. I loved her then, and I love her now. I have never ever regretted being married to her. It was an honor. What makes marriage valuable? What makes marriage a joke? The value of marriage and weddings does not come from institutions. It does not come from churches or states. It does not come from social codes and morals. The only thing that gives marriage beauty and importance are the two people who are in that union. People give marriage its validity. If you get married because you want a big party and you want to spend a lot of money and dress up in an expensive gown, then you are making marriage a joke. You know, there is a growing trend in this country (and I have heard people say this) where the couple says, “Oh, this is just our first marriage. The first marriage is just practice.” Seriously. I am not joking. And don’t get me started on the many actors, actresses, musicians, and other show business people whose marriages are like the revolving doors at Macy’s. Marriage is risky, sure. There’s a good chance it won’t work out, whether you are straight or gay. Why do it? Because you love someone. Papabear P.S. The proper phrase is not “gay rights” or “gay marriage” it’s “human rights” and “marriage.” The use of the word “gay” in the letter was just for clarity. * * * Thanks for your response and I agree that I am a bit under informed on the homosexual side. Fai Tale * * * It's always good to ask questions. Pat yourself on the back for not just accepting what you original heard about gay people and to actually be open to other viewpoints! Papabear Hello PB.
I hope you're ready for this, since this probably will be a bit unclear... Before I present my problem, I think that you should know a bit about me, since my personality voids possible solutions to my problem. I'm a perfectionist, a self-criticizing and self-conscientious fur who has recently came out furry at the start of August. I do not plan on attending meets or conventions (I'd rather deal with more pressing matters) and I only know 1 other furry IRL. I use chatrooms, but to me, it does not feel like real communication. I am also a “grammar hawk,” a Pokémon fan, a Professor Layton fan, and an Ace Attorney fan. I also like playing chess. Also, I have a disability (I don't pay much attention to it) and I'm generally quiet, although I'm a social person due to my personality. Now, when I came out furry, most of my friends were surprised (after all, I was giving out the smart and mature impression to people) and generally, I received a positive reception. However, one of my friends who pretended to be supporting, backstabbed me and insulted me using social media. He has promised that he will not do such again (although he still is mean to me) but he is forming a group of friends who constantly pester me when I'm trying to concentrate on my studies, since I have exams to do for the next few years. I have discussed this problem with friends of mine, who replied with "stay positive and ignore them" but due to their persistence and the fact that I am so self-criticizing and self-conscientious, I am finding that impossible to do. Consequently, this problem is making me feel “uncomfortable in my own skin” and shy. Also, it means that I'm too preemptive about doing anything furry-related. (I also cannot buy a fursuit, they're too expensive in my opinion!) So, I'm currently looking for more subtle furry stuff, but that's a topic for another letter. Sorry for the very long letter, but I am afraid that this problem will only get worse (and the anti-fur group will only get bigger; they've started being mean to my non-fur friends) and my reputation will only get worse. I thought that my disability was bad enough.... Yours, Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Yours is a situation I’m familiar with. When I was in elementary school, for some reason (I still don’t know why) this one kid started picking on me, and he then recruited others to start making fun of me. It kept building until the last few months of my sixth grade year became a living hell. Boy, was I glad to go to another school the next year! Kids can be like this. They spot a weakness in someone (a disability, lack of skill in sports, awkwardness of any kind) and they exploit it to make themselves feel like they are somehow superior to their targets. It is the most reprehensible kind of behavior and it happens every day in school yards all over the world. If this is getting to the point of bullying, you need to make some adults aware of it (school administrators, parents). Every state in this country either has a law, a policy, or both against bullying. Go to StopBullying.gov to learn more about this. Part of the bullying results, probably, from bullies seeing you have low self-esteem, which is a sign you have a weakness they can attack. People like you and me usually get self-critical because, well, we’ve been beaten down by others since childhood. Parents, peers, teachers—most of them make it their job to make you conform to societal “norms,” and if anyone deviates from those norms you can bet they are going to squash your individuality and make you feel bad about yourself. This is, of course, “for your own good.” You need to stop being so self-critical (you already know this is a problem). Being self-critical can be harmfully addictive in a number of ways. First of all, it gives you an excuse not to do stuff or even try to do it (“I’d probably screw it up, anyway”); second, it gives you a false sense of noble humility (“Look at me, I’m not egotistical like those people; I’m a very humble person”); third, it is a way to elicit complements from other people (“Oh, I’m so stupid” to which your friend says, “No you’re not! You’re smart!” as you smile inwardly, feeling validated in secret.) None of these practices is healthy for you, mentally or emotionally. To stop being so down on yourself, start by making a list of your good traits. Post them in a prominent place in your bedroom or bathroom and read through them every day. Then, if you find yourself, during the day, saying something bad about yourself, stop yourself and think of one of the positive things on your list. Fortunately, you may have stumbled upon a solution for your problem with friends. The ones who have turned against you are not your friends. Why are you still associating with that one guy if he is “still mean” to you? I wouldn’t put up with that, and neither should you. Don’t be so desperate for friends that you’re willing to be a punching bag for someone else’s emotional issues. Time to replace those sorry excuses for friends with other people, and perhaps those people could be furries. The first thing you need to know about furries is that you do not need a fursuit to be a furry! Eighty percent of furries don’t have one! It is a common misconception. But if you ever do decide you want one, you can get partials fairly inexpensively, or even find a used one. Anyway, that’s not important. What is important is that you find some friends with whom you can relate. Reading your letter, I bet there are a lot of furries your age who would get along swell with you, disability or no. It’s really a mistake, therefore, to try to go “subtle” on the furry stuff. Furries are anything but subtle LOL. Papabear’s prescription for you, therefore, is to go forth and become pawesome with some furries. You’ll have to start online to find people, but hopefully there is a furmeet or some such near you that you could attend, or maybe go to a furcon (take your parents, since you’re underage). While furries, like any other group, aren’t perfect, you’re more likely to find people like yourself with the furry community. It helps a lot, when looking for friends, when you share interests, and the love of furry movies, comics, art etc. can bring you together. In addition to furries, you can search online for people who like chess, Pokémon, video games, etc. For example, there is a Facebook club for Professor Layton fans at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Professor-Layton-and-Co-Fan-Club/545901585419955 you could join. The more groups you join like this one, the more of a chance you have of locating someone near you who likes what you do. Your friend who advised you to ignore the bullies is essentially correct. As you go through life, you should try and learn the skill of pruning your friends list. Cut off the dead or diseased branches and you’ll have a healthier plant and more beautiful flowers. You might even try grafting new species onto your plant and achieve something extraordinary. Hope that helps! Stay furry! Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|