Dear Papabear,
With high school starting soon, I've slowly been drifting out of the social staleness I've adopted over the course of summer. I've started texting friends more often, being friendlier and generally preparing for the overbearing social situation of school. With me texting more, I came across the name of a crush that I have. His name is Matt. Might seem simple to most people. Text him, develop a relationship. I wish it was that easy. Wanna make the situation a little more complicated. My name is James. Want to make it even more complicated? I've yet to come out to my parents and dating another guy while my parents still think I'm straight is a rather hairy situation. I've told a few close friends and they've been supportive. One of my main problems is doubting if I actually have an interest in males. I keep telling myself that it could be hormones or teenager impulse or something else associated with teenship that I could blame this one, and I keep imagining a scene where I'm in my boyfriend’s embrace and I realize I'm not gay. That would be one of the worst scenes I could imagine. A simple "Just Kidding" wouldn't defuse that situation. What should I do? Thank you Papabear. ~James * * * Dear James, You don’t disclose how old you are, but I will assume that you are a young male probably in your late teens or thereabout. That is a tough time for everyone when you really begin to solidify who you are, and part of that discovery is your sexuality. First of all, you must rid yourself of the notion that sexuality is black and white, hetero vs. homo. Human sexuality is far more complex than that, with most people falling somewhere in between. It is, actually, quite normal for men who later settle into a heterosexual relationship to have experimented in some fashion with a homosexual one. In fact, the famous Kinsey Report makes note that somewhere between 40 and 50 percent of males have, at some point in their life, had a homosexual experience of some kind. This did not mean that they were strictly homosexual, just that they had an erotic experience with another man. Sometimes this was an isolated occurrence, sometimes not. If it weren’t for the pressures that society puts upon us to be straight, such freedom of sexual expression would be much more common and we would be less neurotic about it. As the Report notes: If homosexual activity persists on as large a scale as it does, in the face of the very considerable public sentiment against it and in spite of the severity of the penalties that our Anglo-American culture has placed upon it through the centuries, there seems some reason for believing that such activity would appear in the histories of a much larger portion of the population if there were no social restraints. The very general occurrence of the homosexual in ancient Greece ... and its wide occurrence today in some cultures in which such activity is not as taboo as it is in our own, suggests that the capacity of an individual to respond erotically to any sort of stimulus, whether it is provided by another person of the same or of the opposite sex, is basic in the species [emphasis mine]. Alfred Kinsey developed what is called the Kinsey Scale to illustrate sexuality in a spectrum, as follows: 0: Exclusively heterosexual 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual 2: Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual 4: Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual 6: Exclusively homosexual X: Nonsexual Later, a psychiatrist named Fritz Klein continued this work and developed the more elaborate Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, an explanation of which can be found here: http://www.bisexual.org/kleingrid.html. ANYWAY, the reason I note all of the above is to validate your inner questioning about your sexuality. Some people are lucky and realize for certain that they are gay or straight at an early age and can proceed with their lives accordingly. Others, like you and me, struggle more with this identification for a longer period of time before we figure it out. Papabear’s advice to you, James, is that you do not enter into a serious, sexual relationship with Matt until you have resolved this question within you one way or another because it is unfair to both Matt and you. Stay friends, but refrain from sex until you are sure what you want. Once you do figure it out, though, don’t be surprised if your sexuality lies somewhere in the grey area between gay and straight and that you do, indeed, want to explore a romantic relationship with Matt. Along the way, be sure that Matt understands what you are doing and what your motivation is by communicating with him. In a world where there is so much hate, prejudice, and misunderstanding, it is sad that we still fear loving other people just because they do not fit societal norms. We have progressed somewhat in the areas of race and religion here in America (although there is still a lot of prejudice here), but we have a long way to go when it comes to homosexuality. Wouldn’t it be great if we could love someone just for the spirit that resides inside them, regardless of what is on the outside? Then, you could love Matt openly, James, without these types of worries because you love the person that is Matt, regardless of whether or not he has a penis, not fretting about your own sexual orientation because it would be a nonissue. But we live in a world where we are hung up about sex. You and Matt live in that world, too, and it is rife with land mines that could explode if you are not careful. Take some time, James, to figure out where to tread, and once you do, I hope you will take Matt’s paw in yours and walk together. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I'm in a long distance relationship with my mate of almost four years now. Recently we've been trying hard to see each other since we haven't exactly met more than twice. The only problem besides some financial issues is dealing with his parents. Recently, we both came out to our parents, him about being gay and me about being bi. His was more recent, I had come out about a year or so earlier. My parents have taken it lightly and tend to just avoid the situation or bringing it up, but I can at least discuss my boyfriend coming down to see me sometime this year for about a week. His parents instead want absolutely nothing to do with him being gay or me, accusing me of being a sexual predator even though I have been in this committed relationship for so long. They also tend to act as if I do not exist and even though I have tried to talk to them on several different occasions over the phone or webcam, they instead get angry and accuse my boyfriend (who is older than me by the way) of rallying against them. I don't understand what kind of sense that makes. His siblings, especially his sister, knew he was gay and I actually got a good friendship going on with his sister, however it is surprising me how she along with his brother, are ganging up on him as well. I stopped trying to talk to them out of fear that they would do something to my mate, but it uneases me that they would choose to ignore such a big part of their son. My boyfriend also suffers from some anger issues which he is trying to fix, but have clouded his mind so much as to not trust his parents anymore and won't try to talk to them anymore about us. We're trying to make plans to meet up this winter, but so far every plan has fallen through due to parental difficulties. I'm planning on moving out next year, but he won't be able to for another 2 years. I do love him, and I am sure of that. And I'm also sure he loves me as well. I'm just scared that something might happen between him and his parents and I want to know if there is anything possible I can do to help calm this situation down. Thanks for your help, DT * * * Dear DT, Right to the point: there is nothing you can do to intervene between your boyfriend and his parents to “calm the situation down.” Any involvement you have will only be perceived by his parents as interference or worse, so it would be wise for you not to try. There are several reasons why people are homophobic: 1) they believe what their religious leaders tell them that it is sinful; 2) they were indoctrinated from a young age to hate and fear homosexuals, bisexuals, and others who deviate from accepted heterosexual norms; 3) they are ignorant and don’t really understand it and, therefore, as is natural in humans, they fear what they do not understand; and 4) the most homophobic people are actually aroused by gay sex themselves, which scares them, apparently, into being aggressively anti-gay. See this interesting article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201106/homophobic-men-most-aroused-gay-male-porn). If religion is not the issue here with either of your parents, then one thing you can each do with your own parents is try and educate them. The more they know about gay and bisexual people, the more they can understand that it is not a threat to them (there are dozens, if not hundreds, of books on this topic, so I will just say a little research at the library could lead you to some good books). You are also doing well by setting yourself up as an example of a non-promiscuous bisexual person by being in a long-term relationship with one man. It might take time for your parents to see this, but eventually they will have to admit that you defy the stereotype in this manner the longer you two stay together. Prejudices and fears such as homophobia are usually ingrained deeply into the human psyche. They are therefore extremely difficult to reverse. It would be very surprising to see any homophobe suddenly “see the error of their ways” and become accepting of gay or bi people overnight. People can change, however, over time. It takes effort and persistence on your part, and sometimes even then you will end in failure. If I were you, DT, I would continue to make plans to be with my boyfriend and work on what will hopefully become a loving relationship that will endure. In the meantime, continue to show your family, by example, that you are by no means horrible people who deserve rejection. Be kind and open to your family (without kowtowing to them) and don’t aggressively try to change them. With luck, they will eventually come to their own conclusions that will benefit all of you. Bravo to you for being yourself and being open about it. Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear,
It's my first time ever doing anything like this, but I really need to hear someone's opinion about this. I met someone and we started talking and I saw him as a great friend and over the course of a few days, he started asking me often about his chances with getting together with me, but one of the first things I explained to him was that I lost my mate of more than 1 year in a car accident when he was on his way to see me. And I told him I'm not really looking for a mate or not sure if I could handle one. So I thought he got it and I was happy about that, but he kept asking what his chances were and I found out he lives states away and I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship, and I explained to him before how I don't that he shouldn't get his hopes up. So a few days ago, I'm with a friend (a close one that I liked a lot, but was unsure) and we went to a concert and after the concert, he asked me to be his mate, and I said yes happily, because I had some feelings for him already and I knew it was time for me to try to move on, and he was close to me, same city, and stable. I excitedly tell my friend (the long distance one) about it and he grows quiet and sends me a message the next day saying I toyed with his feelings. I feel like I was nothing but a prospect to him and I thought he cared for my happiness, not his personal interests. And I kept telling him about not getting hopes up for anything between us as more than close friends, but I guess he never listened. And I'm just confused, and hurt, and I want to hear what you have to say, Papa, I know it's not an ask thing but me telling you things you probably heard before, but I can't think of any unbiased person to ask. --Ryuuga * * * Hi, Ryuuga, It is actually “an ask thing” in that you are asking me, I believe, whether or not you handled the situation well now that you see that two furries have their feelings hurt: yours and your furiend who lives far away. I think it would benefit you to look at the situation from your friend’s point of view, to wit: you told him that you were not looking for a mate and then you turn around and find a mate. In addition, you write to him and announce—with excitement—that you found someone to love. Can you see how this might have really hurt his feelings? Even though, in fairness, you told him that you didn’t want a long-distance relationship, you also told him that you hadn’t recovered from the loss of your previous mate, but then you changed your mind. Papabear can see where this other furry felt like he got a slap on the muzzle. It’s pretty clear that the two of you had different ideas about your relationship. You saw him as a long-distance friend, whereas he saw you as something more; perhaps, even, he wanted to work on your relationship to make it more substantial. You write that you told him repeatedly this was just a friendship, but somehow, somewhere he got the idea there was something more. Papabear gets kind of a weird feeling in his gut when you say “I feel like I was nothing but a prospect to him.” It sounds rather dismissive of what apparently were rather strong feelings he had for you, if by “prospect” you mean a love interest. That is nothing to be dismissive about; it could have been rather special. Papabear believes you were not trying to hurt this other fur’s feelings, and I’m sure you’re a very nice person. But you handled the situation rather clumsily and now, if you want to keep this other person as a friend, you have some clean-up work to do. The first step is to apologize, and you do owe him an apology. I would take the time to call him on the phone and have a long, heartfelt talk. You need to explain to him your reasons for telling him that you weren’t ready for a matehood and why you later changed your mind with another person. Key to this would be explaining again, if necessary, your position on long-distance relationships (Papabear agrees with you that these can be very difficult). Too, before you begin this conversation, you need to be honest with yourself: did you really reject this other fur only because of the long-distance thing, or was it because you had stronger feelings for the mate you did choose? Ask your long-distance friend if he feels you sent the wrong signals and what those signals were so that you understand where you might have gone wrong. Again, you will have to be careful in this discussion to make sure you don’t hurt his feelings any more than you already have, and be sure to be honest in your replies to him. This is an awkward mess you will have to navigate around, Ryuuga, so if you need more advice on how to approach your friend again, feel free to write and fill me in more on the details so I can be of more help. Papabear is thrilled you have new love in your life after your terrible loss, but sometimes, when we are excited about our own lives, we get a little lost in ourselves and forget to consider other people’s feelings. I know I have done this, too, so don’t beat yourself up about it, but do try and talk to your friend and get it straightened out. Hugs, Papabear Lately I’ve been having temptations to tell my parents I’m gay, but I want to know when’s the right time and if I should have some of my other friends that are gay come for support and back me up. Thanks for reading.
–Sniper * * * Dear Sniper, This is a great question, Sniper, thank you for writing. Let’s start with when it is NOT a good time to tell your parents. It is not a good time to tell your parents when: 1) You are in the middle of a big fight. The last thing you want to do is blurt out that you are gay when you and your parents are fighting about something else, as this will come across as your just wanting to hurt them at a time when emotions are already high. 2) At a special occasion, such as a wedding, birthday, anniversary, or funeral. At those times, the attention should be on the occasion and the person(s) being celebrated, and not on your urge to come out. Doing so will not only wreck the event but make you look like an attention hog. 3) Do not come out to your parents if you know they are homophobic and have said or done things that are overtly anti-gay. If your parents are like that, coming out to them will just ruin any relationship you have with them. 4) Do not come out to your parents if you are financially or physically dependent on them and you suspect they might cut you off if they find out you are gay UNLESS you have a backup plan and can make other living arrangements. 5) Do not come out if you have a strong feeling they will not accept you as being gay. You have a great idea in gathering up supporters who will back you up on your decision; however, you should keep them on the sidelines and not bring them with you when you tell your parents because this will make it feel to your parents as if you are, in essence, ganging up on them. If you feel comfortable telling your parents, do so in the privacy of your home, in a calm setting, and just between you and those you wish to tell. Coming out to one’s family, when feasible, is a great thing to do. Studies show that gay men and women who are out to their families tend to be happier and psychologically healthier than those who do not. Unfortunately, it is not always a possible to come out to those who are not accepting of homosexuals. Sniper, I’d like to recommend a book to you by Dr. Michael C. LaSala called Coming Out, Coming Home, which you can find out about at http://www.comingoutcominghome.com/. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
This is my first time writing an advice column. Anyway, I'm a gay furry. Everyone knows except for my mom that I'm gay. I don't have a big family. In fact, other than my mom, the only surviving member is my sister. My sister is also gay (my mom's extremely conservative and the only reason she found out about my sister was my sister got, er, caught at it one day when she was in high school) and is legally married (my mom knows this, too, of course). She lives in California in the same city as my mom. So, I go and see my mom, sister, and her wife pretty often. Here's the problem: when I go by myself, my sister and her mate welcome me to stay at their home. But if I bring MY mate, we aren't welcome to stay. The weird thing is, my sister and her mate have met my husbear, and they both seem to like him (I just tell my mom he's my roommate), but still they won't let us both stay with them. I'm planning another trip up to see my family, and I want to bring my mate with me. My sister has even been so kind as to buy us both tickets to an event up there, and she said that she would even pay for a hotel room for us, but we can't stay with them. I don't think it's that my sister doesn't want us to stay; I think it's her mate. Well, OK, I know it's her mate because I talked to my sister asking her why my mate couldn't stay and she said her mate didn't want both of us there at the same time. What should I do? I feel very insulted, and though my mate has been very understanding, I don't think this is right at all. If my sister and HER mate came to see me, I would let them stay with us and so would my mate. Should I just pretend everything is okay and do nothing, or what? Sign me, Mildly Miffed in Modesto * * * Dear Miffed, I'm wondering a little if this has to do with your not being out to your mother. Perhaps your sister's mate (and maybe your sister) think you're a bit of a coward that you haven't told your mom yet while they are obviously out of the closet and are kind of punishing you by not letting your mate stay with them. OR, perhaps (and this is a bit kinder) they aren't letting you stay because they are concerned that if your mother finds out you are staying together your mom might figure out you are gay and your secret would be out of the bag. So, question: is there only one spare room and would you and your mate be sleeping in the same room? Of course, I guess you could say your mate is sleeping on the couch. Hmmm. Another reason could be simply that your sister's mate is merely pretending to like your mate, but she doesn't really. If that's the case, she's not being very kind to you and your mate by her discrimination. Real families often tolerate relatives or their spouses to stay with them for short periods because it is polite, even if they don't like them that much, and that's really what should be done here. So, what do you do? Well, you could do as you say and simply go with the flow, staying at your sister's when you visit alone and in a hotel when you are with your mate. But this might be hurting your mate's feelings, even if he doesn't say so. What you should be doing, then, is sticking up for your mate's feelings and say something to the effect of, "Well, I really appreciate how you and your mate have let me stay with you in the past, that has been kind of you, but I no longer really feel welcome in your home when you don't accept my mate, so I will be staying in a hotel from now on, even when I come alone. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but you are making me feel uncomfortable, so I think it's best for all concerned." That's not a great situation, but it is the right thing to do to stick up for your mate. After all, you may love your family but your mate is your life partner. Good luck! Hugs! Papabear |
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