This is my first time writing an advice column. Anyway, I'm a gay furry. Everyone knows except for my mom that I'm gay. I don't have a big family. In fact, other than my mom, the only surviving member is my sister. My sister is also gay (my mom's extremely conservative and the only reason she found out about my sister was my sister got, er, caught at it one day when she was in high school) and is legally married (my mom knows this, too, of course). She lives in California in the same city as my mom.
So, I go and see my mom, sister, and her wife pretty often. Here's the problem: when I go by myself, my sister and her mate welcome me to stay at their home. But if I bring MY mate, we aren't welcome to stay. The weird thing is, my sister and her mate have met my husbear, and they both seem to like him (I just tell my mom he's my roommate), but still they won't let us both stay with them.
I'm planning another trip up to see my family, and I want to bring my mate with me. My sister has even been so kind as to buy us both tickets to an event up there, and she said that she would even pay for a hotel room for us, but we can't stay with them. I don't think it's that my sister doesn't want us to stay; I think it's her mate. Well, OK, I know it's her mate because I talked to my sister asking her why my mate couldn't stay and she said her mate didn't want both of us there at the same time.
What should I do? I feel very insulted, and though my mate has been very understanding, I don't think this is right at all. If my sister and HER mate came to see me, I would let them stay with us and so would my mate. Should I just pretend everything is okay and do nothing, or what?
Mildly Miffed in Modesto
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I'm wondering a little if this has to do with your not being out to your mother. Perhaps your sister's mate (and maybe your sister) think you're a bit of a coward that you haven't told your mom yet while they are obviously out of the closet and are kind of punishing you by not letting your mate stay with them. OR, perhaps (and this is a bit kinder) they aren't letting you stay because they are concerned that if your mother finds out you are staying together your mom might figure out you are gay and your secret would be out of the bag. So, question: is there only one spare room and would you and your mate be sleeping in the same room? Of course, I guess you could say your mate is sleeping on the couch. Hmmm.
Another reason could be simply that your sister's mate is merely pretending to like your mate, but she doesn't really. If that's the case, she's not being very kind to you and your mate by her discrimination. Real families often tolerate relatives or their spouses to stay with them for short periods because it is polite, even if they don't like them that much, and that's really what should be done here.
So, what do you do? Well, you could do as you say and simply go with the flow, staying at your sister's when you visit alone and in a hotel when you are with your mate. But this might be hurting your mate's feelings, even if he doesn't say so. What you should be doing, then, is sticking up for your mate's feelings and say something to the effect of, "Well, I really appreciate how you and your mate have let me stay with you in the past, that has been kind of you, but I no longer really feel welcome in your home when you don't accept my mate, so I will be staying in a hotel from now on, even when I come alone. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but you are making me feel uncomfortable, so I think it's best for all concerned."
That's not a great situation, but it is the right thing to do to stick up for your mate. After all, you may love your family but your mate is your life partner.
Good luck! Hugs!
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