Hey there.
This is a pretty large and complex question which needs some serious explanation to set up. I hope you don't mind. I'm 29 going on 30. I've been in the fandom since I was in high school, so I guess that makes me an old hand. Right now my life has been completely tumultuous at best, and I really need some advice as to how to make what is likely one of the most important decisions in my life. I've been closely involved with my mother and stepfather since about the time I started in the fandom. I've worked in their business until they had to let me go in February. While I haven't lived with them in ten years, I've lived in rental properties owned by them for almost the same amount of time (after moving in with a friend and getting stuck in a bad situation as a result). I understand this isn't the healthiest situation to be in, and it's in the process of blowing up in my face. My mother is divorcing my stepfather; a decision I support wholeheartedly due to several instances of physical abuse toward both her and I over the years. She reconnected with an old flame of hers and is leaving to be with him in the next few months. He is an amazing guy and has become more of a father figure to me within the past year than my biological father and current stepfather ever have. He lives out of state, but in an area of the country where most of my extended family reside. I've been unemployed since February, as I stated earlier. Jobs are extremely hard to find where I live; ones I'm physically and mentally capable of doing are nearly impossible. The job situation where my mother is moving is pretty decent and it's almost guaranteed I could get into a career field I've been wanting to get into for years. There's also some very good schools I could attend, and at least on the surface it's a no-brainer as to where to go. It's not that simple. I'm writing this the day I got back from a local furcon. This is my second year in attendance, and it was simply an amazing experience. Last year I met someone who quickly became my best friend and most trusted confident. This year I met many more friends through her, some of which live very close by. It's very hard to describe the reception I felt at the con. I was in a building with close to a thousand other people, and it felt like I could go up to any one of them at random and just start talking. I had conversations with total strangers which lasted hours. Nobody snubbed me. Nobody ignored me. I shook the hands of more than a few well-known artists and writers of the fandom, and got a heartfelt thanks when I told them how much of a positive influence their creations were for me. For someone who has so much trouble talking to others and has a horribly hard time making friends in non-fandom circles this is such an amazing experience. Like last year I was sad to leave. Because I'm losing my house, my best friend (the one I met at the con) has offered to take me in temporarily. The original plans were to stay for a few months while I got my act together and move away. Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between a good job, education, and a solid financial foundation or the personal and social fulfillment I've been missing my entire life. I prefer to socialize inside the fandom because this is what I am. While I obviously can function outside of it, I've noticed my friendships and potential relationships are quite flat. I have such a large interest and enthusiasm for the fandom that having to hide it around more 'mundane' people makes me feel like an artificial person. My non-fandom friends don't 'get it at best and are openly hostile of the fandom at worst. My former coworkers met a few of my fandom friends and were quite snarky about them behind their backs. It pains me to be around these sorts of people when I've received nothing but acceptance and friendliness at the cons and furmeets I've been to. I would be moving to a more old-fashioned, conservative, religious area of the country. I'm not going to talk about my political views or anything like that, but it will be a culture shock despite technically being a native to those parts. Furthermore there are very few people in the fandom where I'll be going to, and the best I have is kind of an “arms-length” friendship with one of them. I feel like its going to be very hard to establish myself there outside of my family. I'm also going to have to leave several potential good friends behind just after meeting them. As a footnote I would like to add that both my mother and soon-to-be new stepfather know about the fandom and my participation in it, and both are amazingly supportive and accepting of my interests. I guess what I need advice on is what is the best decision? I feel like I'm going to be losing out on something big no matter what I choose, and I'm not sure where to turn. what do you think? Heisenwolf * * * Dear Heisenwolf, We all love that chocolate cake and ice cream with a milkshake, but know that we should eat the fish with a side of vegetables and a glass of lowfat milk first. I’ve run into a lot of furries who choose fun over doing what is practical. For instance, some furries buy video games and other toys instead of paying bills; another doesn’t help his roommates pay rent because he uses every dime to pay for a storage unit that houses his fursuits and plush toys. I’m not saying you’re behaving the same way, exactly. A social life is a very important thing. It makes us happy, makes us feel needed and cared about, and makes us psychologically more healthy. But here is the gist of what I am thinking. Education is very important for your future, and if the best option for that education is to move to where your mom is, then that really should take precedence over being in an area where socializing with furries is optimal. While this will be hard, you should think of this as only a temporary situation until you have completed a degree, which will open up new opportunities for you that will benefit you greatly. At that point, you can focus on finding a place that is both a good place to work AND has easy access to furry friendliness. You have to look to the future in this case, even though it will be difficult. It's too bad there isn't a good school in the area of your preference (none at all?) because that would have been much better, but life isn't perfect. The good news is that you have a supportive mom and stepdad, which is something to be very thankful for. On the one paw, then, is a place where you have a chance for an education, a job, and to be closer to a loving mom and awesome stepdad; on the other paw is a place where you have easier access to furiends. When it comes down to the math, it is a 3-to-1 score. The smart thing to do is to endure a less-than-optimal temporary situation in order to optimize the chances for a brighter future. Remember, few things are permanent. Once your life improves with work and education, you should have more chances to move to a place where you are close to furries. On the other hand, if you stay where you are for the sake of being near furries, you may find yourself with no education, no job, and no money, which, in turn, means no money for furcons and no means to live, except maybe by mooching off other furries, which, believe me, gets old quick and will never last long. I think the choice is, indeed, clear. What do you think? Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
I have had a rough life, and no, this is not for pity, I was removed from my family at the age of four, I just got my mother back this April, but because of all that I’ve been through, I put on a happy plastic mask, when in reality I’m dying inside, writhing in agony as my past catches up with me, no matter how fast I run to the potential safety of the future, and because people mostly only see the mask, they think I managed to make the best of things, I give a great many people advice, most of the time, when followed, it works, but only because I’m looking back in hindsight, and telling them what I didn't do, I help others with their problems, because it distracts me from mine. Lately my problems have become stronger, and there are less of others’ problems to distract me. My therapist thought I was “stable” enough to go on without him, but truth be told, the mask just improved over time, so I can't rely on him, and I don't want to worry my mom, so this comes to my question: the people who give advice, where do they go for advice? Aspen Blackpaw * * * Dear Aspen, Wow, your question really hits home. As you might imagine, Papabear has his problems, too, just like anyone else. Also, I know what it is like to go through therapy and not be entirely satisfied. Some therapists out there just aren’t very good (I know, I recommend professionals for many people because I am not one, but just as with anything else, there are good and bad ones). In the year leading up to my divorce, I sought therapy and attended many sessions with a psychologist. Finally, at one point, he basically said I was perfectly sane and there was nothing more he could do for me, even though I was still miserable. The same thing happened after my attempted suicide. “Oh, you’re fine, go home.” With the former, it was probably because I was paying a discounted rate and wasn’t making the guy enough money; with the latter, my father was paying so as soon as he stopped they lost interest in me. These days, it’s all about the money, as you know. Going through those and other things in my life gave me the experience to share what I learned with other people, as you apparently have. Anyway, I eventually got my head straight without them, but not on my own. I had (and have) some very very dear friends who helped me through my traumas. If you don’t wish to worry your mother, you still need to find a close friend or two ... or more ... with whom you can confide. Everyone needs someone to confide in and to give them advice, even advice columnists. If it is not a family member, then it is a friend or friends you can trust. How do you find such friends? Well, the more people you meet and talk to, the more likely you will find one or more people with whom you feel a connection. These are usually the people with whom you have something in common. For instance, my dearest confidant is an older bear like me who also realized his sexuality late in life when he was already married; he had already been through these experiences a few years before meeting me and was able to pass down what he learned to me and cheer me up by bolstering my self-esteem and making me realize I wasn’t a horrible person for getting divorced. There have been others who have been similarly encouraging, and they reinforced the things he told me. Humans (and furries) are social animals. We thrive best with the contact of others with whom we can bond. If you don’t already have people like that in your life, it is time for you to get some! Good luck! Papabear Dear Readers,
Here's a switch: Papabear is going to ask you for advice and input on something that happened to him that has him quite upset. A couple months ago, I was staying with friends in another state, trying to resolve a business issue. They were kind enough to take me in and save me the hotel expense. Also, one of them had a car and was nice and let me drive it on occasion. Anyone who has rented a car lately knows how much money they cost, even for a few days. Noticing that the tires were all bald (and knowing that my friends had no money to spare for repairs--none), in appreciation I took the car to a garage and had four brand new General tires (guaranteed for 75,000 miles, so good ones) put on and paid for an alignment, too. I took the car back and presented my gift, which I thought was appreciated. Today, months later, I found out that it was not appreciated. The owner of the car is apparently pissed at me for doing work on the car without asking first. So, my question to you, dear readers: was I out of line? Was I presumptuous? I thought it would be a nice surprise (I, personally, enjoy good surprises), but I guess it was not. Thanks for your thoughts. --Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've been in a relationship for about 3 years, but then my mate and I recently broke up due to an argument. I was angry that night, but I woke up the next morning regretting our decision to end it, so I talked to him about it. He said he didn't want to get back with me until he matured a little. I understand his decision and I'll wait for him, but I'm afraid of one of two things happening: 1. Once he matures, he'll realize I'm not good enough for him and move on, or 2. He'll take too long and I'll move on. I'm afraid of moving on, I've loved this man for so long and I don't want to imagine my life without him. To make matters worse, one of my friends confessed that he has a crush on me. I really don't know what to do! With college being just around the corner, my life is changing quickly and this doesn't make anything better. Sincerely, a stressed wolf. * * * Dear Stressed, If you are afraid of moving on, then the second option you outline seems unlikely; don’t worry about that one. As for number one, if you really have such bad self-esteem that you don’t think you’re good enough for your former mate, he will probably pick up on that feeling and not come back to you. You sound pretty certain you are not up to his standards, and that kind of attitude will sabotage a relationship really quickly. Next you say that someone having a crush on you “makes matters worse.” Wow, what a negative way of putting it. It should be flattering to you that someone is attracted to you, but I know what you really mean is that this makes matters more complicated. Of course, it wouldn’t actually make things more complicated if you were not enamored by this other potential suitor, too. You see, if you were not attracted to this other person, it would be a non-issue because then you could just say, “I’m very flattered you feel this way about me, but, I’m sorry, I’m still in love with my ex and I hope we get back together.” Or something to that effect. Sounds to Papabear that what you are truly afraid of is change: your breakup with your former mate and your upcoming college years and the prospects of other possible relationships. My dear wolf friend, do not be afraid of change. If you become paralyzed with fear because things are changing, you will not be able to live your life. Change happens, and a big part of maturing is dealing with that change, adapting to it, and growing as a person. If we do not grow, we stagnate and wither away. Now, if true love really resides within your heart for the mate you broke up with, the two of you will get together, inevitably. But don’t cling to your former love just because you were comfortable with that person and are afraid of change. Perhaps the two of you need to go off to school and mature, as you said, and then you will come back together and reestablish your relationship. But perhaps not. Either way, it is time for you to look ahead and not behind. Get ready for college and find something to study that you really love. You need to focus on your future right now, make new friends, experience new adventures. Learn to get excited about change and all the possibilities change can bring. This will make you a stronger person, someone who believes in furself and feels worthy of love. At that point, love will come. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Lately I've been feeling unsure about what to do. I have two fur-parents, whom I love so very much. I visit them often, and often I end up feeling depressed. I’ve just been feeling alone, because they have each other and, I haven't got anybody to call my own or the sort, I haven't got a mate. So when I'm around them I end up just getting a little depressed, because they're so happy together and there's no one for me to be like that with. They know about how I feel, but of course there's nothing that they can do, it's not like they can just stop loving each other when I'm around. So I'm not sure what to do about it, I don't want to be depressed about it, but I don't know how to just stop feeling like that. We've talked about it, and I know that I've got people that love me back, but as friends and family, but there's the one kind that's not there that makes me feel upset. It probably doesn't help that I might have a bit of a crush on one of them but I know very well that they are together and I'm no reason for them to separate. They're happy together and I don't want to change that. But what do I do? -Blitz. * * * Dear Blitz, Jealousy is a rather ugly thing and something to be avoided at all costs, whether it is jealousy for another furry’s shiny or for another furry’s mate. You must immediately try and get over any kind of crush you might have on this fur-parent of yours. Papabear realizes you told yourself you don’t want to break up their relationship, but even entertaining the slightest thought of love for this person is a HUGE red flag and you need to back off of it right away. Not doing so will lead to nothing but misery for all three of you. That said, Papabear understands the yearning for a mate and how not having one can make you feel depressed and anxious. I’ve seen a number of furries get this way, and after a while they start to exude a positively sickening stink of desperation about them, an aura if you will, that drives off others who might otherwise have been interested in them. What you need, Blitz, is to take a break from this obsession with finding a mate and focus on yourself: your school, your work, your hobbies, self-improvement in general. Some people don’t feel complete without a mate, but that is often because they haven’t bothered to complete themselves yet. The picture of the well-adjusted person is someone who enjoys the pleasure his or her own company. Can you say that about yourself, Blitz? This doesn’t mean you are self-involved and selfish, no, not at all. It means that you have come to a point where you are not needy. The problem with being needy is that you often glomp on to someone who isn’t right for you just because they seem willing to be with you, which can lead to an unhealthy relationship indeed, and many regrets. Being at peace with yourself will also allow you to be happy and rejoice in your fur-parents love for each other, rather than getting depressed by it. Papabear is a strong believer in the idea that Love finds you, not the other way around. This happens when you are involved in activities that include lots of other people and they see you as someone who is happy and content with herself. This is a very attractive characteristic in someone that will cause people—including potential mates—to gravitate toward you. Trust in love, and it will find you. In the meantime, chill out and enjoy life itself and all the things it has to offer. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear.
Where do I begin. Well. For a heads up, my species of choice is a koala. I've always wanted a fursuit, you see, and I am not sure how I could make one myself (since my current job isn't paid much and I'm young. 15 to be precise). And there's another problem - I wear glasses all the time, just not when I'm sleeping - and can't really go without them without walking into stuff. But it's come to my head that I could make ears, paws and a tail. Would it be seen as strange if I went to a convention or something with just those 3 aspects and some facepaints? Or would it be okay? Koala hugs and I send my regards. Ashy * * * Hi, Ashy, Here’s the short and sweet of it: 1) You can actually have a head designed that accommodates eyeglasses. I know because I have one (I can't wear contacts). If you're not making the fursuit yourself, talk to the person who is doing it and tell them you need to have glasses on while in suit. You will need to consider things such as possibly adding a fan in the head, and what style of eyes you want so you can see the best. 2) BUT, if you don't go that way, there is certainly nothing wrong with face paint, ears, whiskers and such. Totally fine. In fact, I went to FC and they had some furries as the cast of CATS and they looked great! So, either option is cool. Remember! Have fun with it! Bear hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been a part of the furry fandom since the mid-nineties--or so I thought at first. Nearly twenty years later, I find myself seriously questioning that. I admit that I am very much of a square peg, not fitting in regardless of what's involved, be it art or something else. I have tried taking steps to rectify that, tried doing what I could to get more involved, but it either winds up in abject failure, or what little success I have gets eclipsed by someone else. Either way, I get brushed to the wayside. Is it worth it to even stick around? On one hand, I'd have to deal with continuous brush-offs from furries, bronies, and what have you. On the other, I worry that I'd possibly alienate the handful of friends that I have. Plus I'd be giving up something that meant something to me all this time. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. --JayTee * * * Dear JayTee, Are you a furry feeling alienated, or maybe an alien feeling furinated? Join the club, JayTee. In my experience, it is rare to come across a furry who has not felt like an outsider at some point in his or her life. It’s not very surprising, either, since I think a lot of people who already feel alienated by society in general can gravitate toward the fandom. What can hurt is that people like you and I go to the fandom to find acceptance and then find rejection, in some cases. I know some very bitter furries because of this, and some are very angry at furries in general. All groups of social animals, from humans to wolves to chimps to elephants, tend to self-stratify themselves into a hierarchy, with some members at the top and some lower down. Papabear, like you, discovered furries around the 1990s. For the longest time I just sat by the sidelines, not really getting involved much. When I finally DID make my first forays into socializing more with other furries, I cam across the same thing you did. My first negative experience came with the first time I attended a Prancing Skiltaire party. I noticed immediately how cliquish people were to the point where I felt I was back in high school. It was very upsetting to me. Slowly, however, as I began making more furiends, which helped me overcome my furry shyness. Now I have more friends in my life than I ever did, thanks to being involved with furries. However, I am still far from what one might call a “popufur,” and that is fine with me. I don’t want to be a popufur. What I learned is to not try to nose my way into existing cliques but rather to build my own, and that sounds like what you have done, JayTee. You say you have a “handful of friends” and you worry that you will alienate them by “leaving.” But what exactly are you trying to leave? Are you trying to “leave” being a furry? Being a furry is that “something that meant something” to you. You can’t leave that because if you are a true furry you can’t leave something that you are. Papabear’s advice to you is this: first, keep your friends in your life; second, do those furry things that please you, whether it is drawing or doing something else, and don’t worry about whether or not others accept you for what you do. You aren’t doing it for THEM, you are doing it for YOU. Papabear knows it hurts to feel rejected. We all want to have people accept us for what we are and to appreciate the things we try to do to make this world a better place. Sometimes, though, we are not accepted. That doesn’t mean that you deserve to be rejected and it doesn’t mean that what you do is not valuable. For example, look at Vincent Van Gogh. Now considered one of the most brilliant artists of his day, nobody bought his paintings while he was alive and he felt he was a total failure. The point is that often the people who reject others are just plain wrong to do so. Don’t let others’ opinions dictate to you what you do and who you are, JayTee. Do what makes you happy, and when you run into people who appreciate you for you, be friends with them and support them back. Maybe the whole world of furry doesn’t quite suit you, but your private corner of it can be very satisfying in itself. Embrace it and you will be a winner. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear
I’m a young furry of age 14 and I’m kinda confused on what I as a young fur should expect from the furry world, what should I avoid, what should I stay to. I just want advice I guess on fursuiting, furry chat rooms, and most of all what is being a furry all about? a fellow fur warrewolf, * * * Dear Warrewolf, It’s always nice to welcome young furries to our ranks. Welcome, welcome! So, what is furry all about? Mostly, as you know, it is about people who love the world of anthropomorphic characters, whether that is the fictional world of characters that have already been created—everything from Disney and anime creatures to the world of comic books and modern graphic novels—or original creations by furries themselves. You probably found stuff on the Internet, social sites and so forth, that have caught your interest. There are also furmeets and furcons and lots of social activities, both online and in real life, including fursuiting, but many others. Basically, your involvement in furry is what you make of it. You can be a little involved or a lot. Since you are an underage furry, I would first tell you to avoid the adult sites, such as e621.net and furriesxtreme. Also, be careful not to always trust instantly what people say online about their age; quite a few people lie about being younger or older for various reasons. Most people are honest, but I’m just saying sometimes it is best to be a little cautious and suspicious of people until you know them well. If you’re really new at furry, a good place to do some research and looking around is Wikifur. Make use of the search engine to learn about the fandom, past and present. Next, start to familiarize yourself with what is going on in the fandom by checking out a furry news site such as Flayrah or FurryNewsNetwork. This will give you a good idea of what’s going on in the world of furry. Then, see if there is a furcon or furmeet in your area and, if possible, attend them. At your age, you will need permission from your parent or guardian to do so, but you can still check them out. As for fursuiting, it is not for everyone, but about 20 percent of furries get into it, like me. If you’re interested in it, ask the fursuiters themselves about it. Remember, fursuiting can be a costly investment (typical prices range from $1,000 and up), plus maintaining your fursuit, and learning how to perform in it. So learn more about it before you become a fursuiter yourself. The best part of being a furry is the friends you will make. It’s best for you to find some furries your own age for socializing, but older, more experienced furries can teach you a lot about the fandom. If you get to a furcon, attending the forums is a super way to learn stuff, too. The most important thing for you to do when it comes to furries and the fandom is have fun with them! Isn’t that the whole reason we are furries? Relax and enjoy! Hugs, Papabear Anyone reading this who wants to offer more advice for a beginning furry, please chime in! Dearest Papa Bear,
I've been reading your advice column a lot, and honestly, I've been getting a lot of advice indirectly. Your column is very helpful and I believe you have sound advice. So I want to turn to you... About two months ago, I met Indy (not real name) on FurAffinity, and we talked to each other a lot because of similar interests. I loved snuggling and chatting, like him. But unfortunately, while I was looking for a friendship, he was looking for a mate. And neither of us knew, because we were just talking casually. Later on, he made a drawing of the two of us, cuddled, sitting on a couch. I thought it was just for gratitude, for being a friend. He said I was free to upload it to FA, and so I did. I made it clear on my FA profile page that I am straight, I keep a "straight furries" icon on my profile, but still, one day, he asked me if I was bisexual, and when I said "no", he was devastated. He told me that all his past relationships ended badly. He wanted to leave the fandom, and said he wasn't worth my time anyway. He said he felt very sick. He said he was a fool to think that. I tried apologizing, explaining to him that I was curious (sexuality-wise), and that what he felt was not just his fault, it was also my fault for being too vague with my friendly affections. On that day, we said our goodbyes, and I told him he didn't have to speak to me again if he doesn't want to. He left a note on my FA, saying that even if we don't speak to each other again, could I at least keep the drawing he made for me. Before I could reply, he sent me another message, saying: "You know what, please, let's forget what happened this morning. I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay like who you are." I responded immediately, saying that I agree, and we reconciled, and we were friends again. Although for the first few days after the incident, I was very careful of what I said, and he was still being quite pessimistic. This mellowed down, and today, we are very open and casual to each other. Like the relationship of two brothers who are very similar. He relies and depends on my emotional support very much. Now and then, he says "love you," where I respond, "I love you back" but I do feel he knows I only mean it as friends. Later on, he found a mate, and I congratulated him, but he said even though he's mated, I'm still more special to him than anyone. Later, his mate broke up with him, because his mate realized he wasn't ready for a relationship. Indy poured his sorrows out to me. Like I said, he depends on me a lot. Now, you see, I realized that even though I am mostly straight, I am bi-curious. I'm okay with dating a guy. I'm not closed in my sexuality. And I really feel like I'm falling in love sometimes, even with those of the same sex, even falling in love with Indy himself... Papa Bear, my problem is ... I'm afraid to fall in love with someone of the same sex. Indy and I could not be together because I said I wasn't bisexual. But now, I am suddenly okay with it. If I fell in love with another male who isn't Indy, would it not hurt him badly? Would he not feel "cheated" by life? My question is: What should I do? Should I just let myself do what I want, without acknowledging how I might affect Indy, or is there something I need to do to clarify things to him? I want to keep him as my friend, I don't want him to get hurt if in case I fall in love with another male who is not him. What should I do Papa Bear? With lots of love and hugs, a troubled coyote, Gordon * * * Dear Gordon, Love is an odd fish. There are many kinds of love in the world: love for a parent or sibling, love for a mate, love for one’s child, love for a dear friend, love for one’s god, even love for a pet dog or cat or gerbil. Just because you love someone does not mean you want that person, necessarily, to be your mate. For instance, I have a dear bear friend whom I call my Spirit Bear because he helped me through the time when I was discovering my sexuality at a late age while coming to the end of a decades-long relationship. I love this furry in a deep way, but not in the same way as I love my mate. I have other dear friends like this as well whom I love very much. The point is, you are permitted to love more that one person in your life, Gordon. This is especially necessary for someone like you who is bisexual(?) and would probably never be happy with just one sex or another, but it is true of all people, to a greater or lesser extent. You can love Indy in a perhaps-more-than-brotherly way, and you may find another person or two or more whom you also love. Then there may be that one person whom you love above all others, but this doesn’t mean you have to stop loving those who are still very dear to you. But Gordon, you might not realize this, but you are really setting off my gay-dar here (and before I get any letters from readers, no, I don’t think all furries are gay, quite the contrary), and I believe you set off Indy’s as well. Your letter is a Freudian psychologist’s dream, rife with clues that tell me you aren’t being entirely honest with yourself about your sexuality, including:
To answer your question, no, you shouldn’t just do whatever you want without regard to how it might affect Indy. Especially when it sounds like you might be doing this out of fear that you’ll fall more deeply in love with him. Letting fear make the decisions for you will likely lead you to the wrong choice. Papabear suspects the reason you originally backed off with Indy is that you got scared about what you were feeling and what that said about you, so you pushed him away. Fortunately for you, Indy didn’t give up on you and asked you to let him back into your life. I’m not saying you should immediately proceed into matehood with Indy, but I am saying you shouldn’t keep him at arm’s length because you are afraid you might fall head over footpaws in love with him. Right now, though, you are not quite ready for either choice. What you should not do is toy with Indy’s emotions again (judging by your letter, he is extremely emotional and wears his heart on his sleeve), which is what happened the first time and why he got crushed. And, yes, here comes that word again that Papabear uses so often: communication. You need to talk to Indy and tell him exactly where you are emotionally and sexually. Tell him you do care for and even love him, but you are still confused about your own sexuality and that it wouldn’t be fair to him, right now, to become his mate because you honestly don’t know where you stand when it comes to sex and matehood (you’ll figure it out, though, I’m sure). Papabear used to be a bear who always had to have a plan where he was going and where he would be 10, 20, 50 years down the road. I found out in more recent years that it doesn’t work that way. If you had asked me 20 years ago where I’d be today, I would have told you I would be a fantasy book novelist living in conservative Michigan and getting ready for my 25th wedding anniversary; instead, I am a 46 year old divorced, gay, furry, failed writer (but okay editor) living with my mate in southern California. Life’s funny that way. Hell, I was once a registered Republican, for God’s sake (no offense, Republicans). The lesson here is: don’t fret too much that you are still working on who you are. It is a lifelong process. Think of where you are now, today. And what you have now and today is a very dear friend named Indy who loves you and whom you love back. Who knows where it is going? It might not go anywhere or it might become a wonderful life together. That you are writing to me worried that your decisions in life will affect Indy in a bad way tells me that he is much more than just a friend and that you have a lot to figure out still. Embrace that. And be honest with him. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am struggling... really struggling, I have a chronic disability known as EDS (Ehlers–Danlos syndrome). It’s starting to effect my everyday life as well as with my social and family life. I live with my parents and they know all about my problem (my mother being my primary caregiver). I have been finding I have been getting chronic pain all they way up and down my spine and right shoulder. It is getting harder and harder to walk and do my job (I take commissions and such for anthro art). I tell my mother about my pain and she just shoos me off like it’s nothing; no sympathy no help. it is starting to highly frustrate me and my everyday life, resulting in me getting angry and frustrated more and more with my family. I don’t know if this is part of growing up (being in my mid teens) or it is because my parents are being complete douches (please excuse my French). Can you please tell me how to explain what I am going through to them, the pain is terrible and is frustrating me. My mum just doesn’t listen when I tell her, she is constantly making me go around and get stuff for her (like food, the phone etc.). She just doesn’t understand the pain I am going though. Thank you so much for your help, Papabear. from a struggling ferret * * * Dear Struggling, First, a note to my readers for explanation. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a serious condition affecting connective tissues because the body cannot produce stable collagen. The most common symptoms include joint pain, loose/unstable/hypermobile joints, hyperextensibility of the skin (resulting in skin that is more easily bruised or torn), pseudotumor formation around resulting scars, spinal and other skeletal pain. There are several types of EDS, most are not life threatening but Vascular Type EDS can shorten one’s lifespan by damaging valves such as those in the heart. There really is no treatment currently for EDS. The main precaution doctors give is to avoid getting too much sun and limit physical activity because the most problematic problem with EDS patients is how easily their skin and joints are injured, which can lead to more serious problems such as infection, damaged joints, and early onset arthritis. Assuming you are not overreacting about how your parents treat you and they really aren't being that dismissive of you or making you do too much, and if your parents are putting you at risk for injury, then, given your condition, Papabear would say this borders on, and perhaps IS, child abuse. Have you, thus far, been physically injured because of what your family has asked you to do in terms of chores and errands? Do you feel their actions might cause you serious injury? Then this is serious. If, on the other paw, you don’t feel as if you are in any physical danger (whew!), you might be a victim of emotional abuse. The website www.ChildHelp.org defines emotional abuse, in part, as thus: “Telling a child in a variety of ways that he or she is unwanted, having a lack of attachment, showing no interest, not initiating or returning affection, and/or not listening to the child. Not validating feelings. Breaking promises. Cutting the child off while he or she is speaking. Pretending to hear concerns, but then disregard them.” More definitions are outlined here: http://www.childhelp.org/page/-/pdfs/Child-Abuse-Definitions.pdf. Depending on how badly you feel you are being treated, you can try a couple of things: 1) go back to your doctor and have him or her explain to your parents that you are suffering a serious chronic condition and that they need to understand that you can’t do the same things that other children might easily do for their parents; it could simply be that your parents are in denial about your illness and they need someone to give them a wake-up call; 2) if that is not feasible for some reason, you might try to find a mediator, someone you trust and who your parents also respect, such as a trusted uncle or grandmother. Tell him or her what is going on, how you feel, and see if they will talk to your parents about it. If this doesn’t help, you might consider 3) contacting a child abuse hotline and asking a professional for some guidance on the matter. Remember, Papabear is not a professional counselor and cannot give you authoritative advice on this matter, so it might be time to seek some help from someone really trained in recognizing child abuse and giving you some needed guidance. You need to get your parents to listen to you and take you seriously. Papabear hopes that a mediator of some sort will do the trick and that your parents might better understand your special needs and be more sympathetic to you. EDS might not be as grim a disease as, say, cancer, but it is a very real and painful condition and they need to get that into their heads. Hugs, Papabear |
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