Dear Papa Bear,
I suppose I do have a rather silly question, but I am desperate for advice. So, my question is, How does one make friends? It's an idiotic question I know, but honestly I'm terrible at it. I've tried, I really have, but it just never works out. I probably come off as an idiot most of the time. I am sort of new to this, I've been in the online furry community for a couple of months and it's just hard to not have made any friends yet. But I'm equally awful at it in real life, too. I just wish I knew what I am doing wrong. I'm okay with talking to people, but I never get it passed that random 5 minute conversation and then it’s over. So, mainly, how do I get it passed that point? Sorry to waste your time with my question, I'm sure you have better ones than mine to get to. But I saw, I guess it was an ad, on FurAffinity.com and I thought I would give it a shot. Thank you for your time. I hope I was clear enough. I didn't want to bore you with a long letter, so I tried to keep it short. Galileo * * * Dear Galileo, It’s not at all an idiotic question. If there are two main things that people want in life it is someone to love and friends to share their lives with. Most of the letters I receive are about one or the other. Judging by your letter, I think I have an idea why you have such a hard time making friends: you lack self-confidence and self-respect. Your letter is filled with self-deprecation: you call yourself an idiot, you feel you’re wasting my time and that your question is silly and that you may be boring me. In short, you feel unworthy of friendship, don’t you, at some level? If you came up to me at a furry party and behaved in this manner, I would probably lose interest, too. Things that attract people to other people are characteristics such as: having interesting things to say (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run away from people trying to talk to me online who have nothing to say and want me to carry the conversation because they are “bored”; if you are a boring person, you will be boring to others, too), being interested in other people and who they are and what they think (they have to meet you half way and actually have some thoughts in their noggins), being self-confident, knowing who you are, NOT being whiny or complaining all the time, being fun, having a good sense of humor, being compassionate and empathetic. Above all, do not act desperate (“Would you be my friend, please???” Eeek! A stalker!) It’s great you have the courage to walk up to strangers at a social function and introduce yourself; that is the first hurdle, and many shy people don’t even get that far. But then you have to carry the conversation. Two things you will need for this: 1) have something to say (it helps a lot if you are well-read, well-rounded person with experiences to share); and 2) be interested in what others have to say and be curious about their lives, as well. That is the second step. The third step is establishing a friendship, which means that once you get people interested in you as a person you need to spend time with them doing things you and they both enjoy. The more experiences you share, the more conversations you have, the more you will bond to the other person. Once a friendship starts to take hold, whether or not it will survive depends upon the character of the people involved. As you know, there are a couple types of friends: fair-weather friends who only hang with you during the good times but quickly abandon you if you need their help for anything; user “friends” who only glomp onto you because they want something from you; and true-blue friends, who are the rarest of all. These are the people who love you for you and will be there for you when you need them, and who you will gladly help out in return. They are the friends who will walk up the side of Mt. Doom with you. Lucky is that person who needs two paws to count all the true friends in his or her life; blessed is that person who also needs to count toes. I hope these words of advice help steer you in the right direction. Good luck! Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
Hi I recently read a question called "Straight Guy doesn't know what to do when gay friend confesses love for him.” I have a similar situation with my friend as well. I told my friend I loved him and I really thought he was gay. Me and him used to sit in my car and talk for hours about a lot of things. We mostly talked about music, and not fitting in in our small town. He once talked about how he liked college so much because of the diversity of people and how he had a lot of different friends like there was a gay one... Then he trailed off like he didn't list the other types of diverse people. Also he mentioned different gay people from out town. We drove past a gay kids house from our town and he said excitedly "Todd is getting marred." He also mentioned calling the radio station with another gay kid when they were children. Also he was very touchy/feely, there were many different instanced when it felt like there was a ton of sexual tension between us but no one was brave enough to make the first move. He seemed to make a ton of hints to me that he was gay and attracted to me. So at first I was resistant but then I started to really have feelings for him. He was always there for me and I was always there for him over a two year period. We could talk about anything at all. I never felt like anyone had ever cared so much about me. So I felt that I had to tell him how I felt. When I first told him I cared about him, he was very supportive and great about it all. He said he was flattered but he wasn't gay and seemed very supportive. He said nothing would ever change between us. I was very upset but I felt very reassured and I really thought that this would make us even closer. I thought we could talk about anything, because we always talked about feelings and very regularly. We were very close friends. I believed him when he said that he was straight. A few weeks went by and he started acting completely different he never talked to me and he wouldn't look at me at all when we were together in public or alone. He started using homophobic statements very loudly and it seemed like he wanted me to hear them. Like in a way that seemed to be directed towards me. I felt like I had already told him that I respected that he was straight, so I didn't know why he thought it was necessary to be overly masculine and say things like that as if to tell me "I'm not GAY! I'm calling things gay and I'm going above and beyond to talk about girls and how hot they are." All of his behavior changed in general, at least from what I saw when he was around me. The distance between us caused me to feel very isolated and insecure. I couldn't handle it I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like all the negative internal hate that I had was now being validated by an outside source. Then I started to think that he really was gay because of how awkward he was around me and how much he had changed. It was like he was running from me. This line of thinking on my part was bad, because, I started to think that he was just as closeted as I was and I started to believe in that like it was a religion. I would only see evidence that supported that idea in my head. There is a lot of evidence towards that. Even his other best friends confirmed a lot of the same things I was thinking. I never wanted to try to assume anyone is gay though, because it is a personal thing. I don't want to try to push him out of the closet. Being in love however, it got to the point where I asked him why we weren't friends and I wanted to talk about the situation and I pushed the issue many times. Every time I want to talk about the situation he gets very angry and very defensive and will not answer my questions. So I would stop asking because it obviously made him uncomfortable. The problem is obviously me. Now a few times I've come to a point where I will confess my love again and things get uncomfortable, then he says he'll always be my friend no matter what, but doesn't show me this with his actions. It recently came to a point where I confessed my love for him again because I get so confused because he doesn’t treat me like a friend. He was very clear this time when I talked to him that he is not gay, not attracted to me, and doesn't have feelings for me. I believe him fully now. He won't treat me like a friend though or talk about my feelings at all. It's like he is ok with me being gay if I don't talk about it and pretend I'm not at all. He also doesn't want me to talk about the fact that I had feelings for him at all. I was just being honest. I didn't want or expect him to reciprocate if he isn't gay. I would never try to make a move on him and I have full respect for his sexuality as a straight man. I would love to talk to him about girls he likes or anything. We used to talk so much. I just want him to acknowledge my feelings and treat me with human respect. I miss his friendship. My problem is that I keep getting into a cycle where I start to believe he is lying and does have feelings for me and I don't ever want to repeat the cycle. I totally believe he is straight and he has a girlfriend now. (She is actually my ex girlfriend). He will not talk about the situation at all and he says he’s my friend but he never talks to me unless I talk to him, and he will not let me talk about the fact that I'm gay. I just want him to accept me, accept that I did have feelings for him, and know that I don't care at all if he doesn't have feelings for me, but that it is ok for him to still be close with me. I don't want him to think that being close will make me think he is gay or attracted to me. It was his running from me, distancing himself, and his ultra overcompensating that made me think that. How can I make things right with my friend? Anonymous (age 29) * * * Dear Anon, I believe that your initial instincts are likely correct and that he is gay and trying to hide it out of fear of judgment from his family and friends. It could also be very scary for him if he wasn’t even fully aware of it himself (you are 29 and I assume your friend is about the same age, so it can be really shocking to someone to realize he is gay at a later age—believe me, I know). What you describe about his loud protests against being gay is the same behavior one finds in the ranting anti-gay politician who is later found getting a naked massage from a masseur who is known to be gay, or the minister who is discovered doing naughty things in the bathroom stall. (FYI, you might find this interesting: http://www.ranker.com/list/top-10-anti-gay-activists-caught-being-gay/joanne). The problem isn’t really you and how you can “make things right” with him; the problem is with him. It is his behavior that is wrong, not yours. You have been honest and open with him, and even though you don’t fully believe his story about being straight, you are willing to take his word on it for the sake of the friendship. On the other paw, he has said hurtful things about homosexuals in your presence that can only be interpreted as taking shots at you, while also pulling back from your friendship. So, what do you do when the person who needs the attitude adjustment is not you but the other guy? You can’t tell other people what to do or how to behave; that often backfires by having them resent or be insulted by your advice. You can, however, try to nudge them in the right direction. Here’s what I would suggest. Have a chat with him along these lines: “I know that my confession to you has made you uncomfortable, and I’m sorry about that. I understand and accept that you are straight, but you need to understand and accept that I am not and not say things that are hurtful to me. I really miss our friendship. I value that more than anything, and in an effort to preserve that friendship, I think we should take a break from each other. Let’s take one month off, during which time neither one of us talks to the other. At the end of the month, I want you to think hard as to whether or not you missed me. If you did, then call me and we’ll get together for dinner or something. If you didn’t, then I guess this friendship is over. It’s my hope that during this time apart you will realize how great our friendship has been and that you will want to reestablish it, even though I’m gay, and that you can get over your apparent homophobia.” You don’t have to use those words, but you get the gist of it. It’s my hope that the time apart, and your complete silence during that time, will wake him up as to how much he still likes you. Should the two of you, hopefully, get back together, don’t push the gay/straight thing, at least not for a long while. Just hang out together and be friends. Let him come to you with it, when he is ready. I wish you luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hello. In recent times I've seen a furry dating service who also has an advertisement on your site and was worried that this kind of thing might put out an odd light for people who don't know the furry fandom very well. I guess it's kind of a silly fear, but I just had to ask somebody who may [have] a little bit more of a level headed point of view on this. Well, anyway, in closing, thank you for taking the time to read my message to you. I look forward to your reply. Zapper * * * Hi, Zapper, I assume you mean FurryMate, which does, indeed, have an ad on my site. I’m curious why you feel this is sending a bad message out about the furry fandom. In recent years, a lot of specialty dating sites have cropped up after the success of more generic dating sites, such as eHarmony. There are dating sites that specialize in ethnic, religious, and even age and sexual orientation preferences. Why shouldn’t there also be some dating sites specific to furries? I would actually like to hear from any of my readers who have used a furry dating site like FurryMate. Tell me about your experiences with them! Wishing Y’all Love and Happiness, Papabear Oh, Papa Bear,
I'm having some real trouble lately. In the past 24 hours I've had to talk two people down from suicide and now one’s gone and said good-bye. I don't know if he killed himself or not; no one can get a hold of him, and since he lives in another country I don't know how to alert anyone around him to it. I was finally beginning to drag myself out of depression and suicidal thoughts myself, but all this is wearing me down. I feel selfish for feeling this way, for wishing I had never met them so I would never have to deal with potentially loosing them. I feel sick and confused and like everyone around me is crumbling, I don't know what to do. I'm loosing sleep and spend a lot of my time crying now but I can't just abandon them. What do people do when they have so many people coming to them as one of their last resorts? How do people handle this? I just ... I really want to know if I should keep chugging along or not. Every week someone is threatening their life and it's so scary and painful. I don't want my friends to feel like this. Anonymous * * * Hi, Good-hearted Person, First of all, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to speak with a professional. I hope you have done so. If not, search for “suicide hotline” and you will find several services to help you for free. Secondly, if you are getting messages on a weekly basis from different people threatening suicide, I really have to wonder with whom you are associating. Did you join some group of depressed people? If so, that is really something you should avoid given your vulnerable state. As someone who is not very stable herself emotionally, you are the last person who should be trying to help others with their depression. Seek help for yourself first. Then, maybe later, much later, when you feel you can handle it, you might want to talk to people in, say, a group therapy session. Another thing you need to watch out for is drama queens. This might sound like an awful thing for me to say, but I have come across many people who threaten suicide as a pathetic bid for attention. I even had one person call me and tell me he was in the hospital for a triple bypass and he didn’t think he was going to survive so he was calling to say farewell. Turned out to be a big fat lie and he wasn’t sick at all. Sweetie, it is not the people who threaten suicide out loud who are the one’s at risk, usually. More typically, it is the people who say nothing and, suddenly, they are dead. In fact, often, a person who is suicidal will seem the happiest and calmest just before they kill themselves. Why? Because they have reached a decision to commit suicide and that decision gives them peace. But there are, indeed, signs to look out for in the truly suicidal. See here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/10/08/common-signs-of-someone-who-may-be-suicidal/ for some information. While it is great that you want to help others, doing so has had a very bad impact on your well being, and I would recommend you not try to counsel such people at this time. As for anyone who has already contacted you about this, you should try to contact their friends and family to alert them. This might be hard for your foreign friend, but there is only so much you can do. Again, it's great that you care, but think of it this way: would you want a surgeon with a nervous condition that makes his hand tremble operating on you? Of course not. For the same reason, you should not be counseling suicidal people. Take care of yourself first. This is not a selfish thing; it is the wise thing to do. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi Papa Bear, thank you for replying to me so quickly, and I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I've been in therapy for a while now, but I've scheduled my appointments a little more frequently. I've also taken your advice and taken a step back from my more troubled friends. I'm not too sure why I end up being friends with so many suicidal people, I guess it's just my personality or something. I still talk to them, but our conversations are now more friendly and bright! :) I've gone from weekly suicide threats to helping only two people get a better view on life. I'm so much less stressed and worried myself now, I had no idea how much dealing with all that could bring me down and hurt me. So thank you again! My life's gotten a lot easier now that I've started focusing on my recovery the most. This is a nightmare...
Well, this isn't a very common furry question this time, but I have a huge harassing problem. I have a blog and I decided to make some judgment against intolerance, after some small issues, a horrible drama website decided to post my blog info and made up crap about me, using no real critique, etc., etc. They also make fun of the term "Autism" and now, I feel like I have no power to stop them from doing more crap. They even posted an offensive "ad" on the side saying something about "Autism?" and when clicked on: It goes to my blog. No joke. I think it all started when I posted some slight non-taking-serious graph about some "fandom" based off a reaction that actually happened. Then it all started when this brony a person decided to post more news about my blog in the most crappiest way as possible. But there was another before (and I made a response to it) that compared random stuff to "bestiality" or something. I am very worried about this. I fear so much that an even MORE horrid site will notice this and post even more offensive crap against me. Do you know, if there is ANY legal way to stop them from posting current or future content from my blog? Or perhaps any talk about it? Is there any secrets, or trick to slide through the legal system? I know there is copyright, and even though I hate copyright, I did try to abuse my own will and tried putting notices for it, but they think I "can't" do that. And yet, I have no idea how to file a copyright complaint off to a whole different website. Sadly, the website may not be connected with Google like mine is. The only other thing I could do is try to "ignore" them, but that may stop me of my rights to criticize intolerable crap. I also tried modding my own URLs to avoid being clicked on but that bully keeps on updating the damn link to the new URL. I wrote this kind of fast, but I am in great fear of what will happen the next day! Note: By the time I send this, I may change the URL of the whole blog, mainly to prevent them from linking to them. And make it more hidden. There is ANOTHER problem. They found away to link to a old captor of my blog. No joke! Ever heard of the Wayback Machine? It's a website that captures old websites, and sadly, my blog was at least captured once. If you have any ideas on how to delete the wayback machine problem, you can post that too. Anyway, my blog is a blogger, which is part of Google. Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, This is a complicated but important issue you are bringing up that touches on a lot of issues. Let me try and reply to your letter in a clear and logical manner. I have a very Germanic process on such things, favoring numbered lists for clarity, but a Q&A might work best here. Without even going into the problem that the people who are harassing you are jerks, let’s see what can be done. Q: How can I block websites from linking to my website or blog? A: This touches on the issue of hotlinking, which usually refers to people linking to images on your website without your permission. Disregarding copyright issues, the problem with this practice is that if a lot of people are pulling images directly from your site rather than downloading the images and then reposting them to their pages is that they are using your bandwidth, which can really gum up the works on your site, causing it to slow down or crash if the images are really popular. Hotlinking can also refer to accessing other files, such as css or other program files, and it can refer to accessing the URL itself. There are ways to block specific sites from linking to you, but it can be a little complicated as it involves adding lines of code to your .htaccess file. (cf. http://wiki.dreamhost.com/Preventing_hotlinking and http://www.javascriptkit.com/howto/htaccess10.shtml for more information). Since you are using Google Blogger, I would contact the people at Google and see if they can help and/or post on their forums page to see if you can get advice, as well. Q: Can I have my old site versions excluded from the Wayback Machine? A: Yes. To do so, you need to place a robots.txt file on your site (cf. https://archive.org/about/exclude.php). If you can’t do this because you’re using Google and can’t get access to code, contact the admins at the Internet Archive at info@archive.org and ask for their assistance. Q: How can I prevent people from quoting from my blog or using other information and files on my blog without my permission? A: As with authors of articles, books, etc., when you write something on the Internet and publish it, it is automatically copyrighted. However, it is very difficult to make a case about this without registering your copyright. The folks at LegalZoom advise that in some cases it might be best to register a copyright: “Copyright violation is always illegal, but it can be difficult to prosecute offenders without copyright registration, which establishes a public record of ownership. In addition, owners of registered works may be eligible for statutory damages and attorney's fees in successful litigation against infringers.” Remember, though, that there is a thing called “fair use” rights. Fair use means that people have the legal right to quote a portion of your text (general rule of thumb is no more than about 10% of the text) without your permission if they are doing so for such things as writing a review. Also, satirizing a book, film, or even a website is legal because it is protected under free speech. If this is really irksome for you and is causing you financial damages (which I doubt in your case), you could consult with an attorney to assist you (cf. http://www.whoishostingthis.com/resources/student-copyright/ to learn more about copyright laws and your rights.) While the people who are harassing you sound very unpleasant, and certainly their apparent mocking of sufferers of autism is in very poor taste, they, like you, are entitled to their rights of free speech, even if that speech is very ugly (but not to the point of being a hate crime or Internet bullying). One thing you might try is this: On your website, put a prominent notice about the website that is harassing you, stating that you find their practices hurtful and in poor taste and whatever else you feel like saying (within reason). Have this notice appear on the page to which they are linking from their site so that people can see it easily. When it all comes down to it, if you are confident in what you write about on your website and that it has value to those who read it, then others mocking that content are making themselves look bad more than they are hurting you. Indeed, as my partner, Yogi, says, there's no such thing as bad PR. These people are drawing attention to your site, giving you the opportunity to step up and show everyone who visits you what an awesome blog it really is despite their puerile attempts to make you look silly. I hope this helps! Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
This is my first time visiting this site and I'm really happy knowing that this exists! I'm here because I'm moving from California to Utah in July. My boyfriend of 3 years lives there and it's just an all around at a better economic standpoint than Southern California. I'm really stressed at home. I live with my parents (mom and step dad) and my grandma. I feel suffocated here, and no matter how much I try to get out it's not working. I get ridiculed and verbally abused at trying to get a job, driving, going to school, socializing. Everything. I'm never good enough, and to top it all off, I get verbally abused for being an artist and a furry from my step dad. I don't think they want me to move out. They've stemmed my growth quite a lot and I don't have the dad's side of the family in contact, so I cannot stay with my father until the move, or with anyone really. I plan on telling the family that I am leaving in July, but I'm scared. I know I should tell my family, but how? I'm sure they'll try to do everything in their power to prevent me moving. They know my boyfriend and his family, and support the relationship to a point. I know my mom would be upset. I'm just not sure how to tell them that I'm leaving. Thank you for your advice. Chi (21) * * * Dear Chi, You are a 21-year-old woman who has apparently been overly protected and dominated by her family. Because of this, you are afraid to make a move at the same time you have come to resent being controlled by your parents and grandmother, and you recognize you must move to be able to grow as a person. The good news is that, at 21, you are old enough to decide for yourself what to do with your life. Your parents can no longer tell you where to go or how to live. I think you understand this. Practically speaking, all you need is a solid plan in order to succeed. Will you live with your boyfriend or somewhere else? Do you have a job secured in Utah? An income source? Once you are confident you will have a roof over your head, reliable transportation, and a steady income source, you are golden. If you don’t have those things, do not make such a move and expect them to fortuitously materialize later. Also, do not trust that your income will come from someone else; not even your boyfriend or your biological father. It is vital that you understand you must be financially independent of everyone else—family, boyfriends, everyone—or else stand the risk of having the rug pulled out from under you so that you fall on your backside. If there is one thing I have learned in life, the only person you can trust 100% is yourself. That might sound harsh and cynical, but when you rely on others it is a recipe for disappointment and disaster. This is not to say that everyone is out to get you, but rather that when you rely on others you introduce variables beyond your control. Say, for instance, you are going to move in with your boyfriend; he has a job and sincerely promises to support you. Suddenly, he gets fired and you are both out on the streets. A very common scenario. Let’s say that all your plans are set, so the only dilemma left is telling your family. While you clearly have some problems with your family, I sense you also care for and love them and wish to be considerate. You don’t want to run off without saying good-bye. However, if you tell them all your plans first, you believe they will try to stop you. Short of locking you up in your room or tying you to a post in the basement, how would they do this? If you have the means available to you to go out on your own, the only way they could keep you from doing so is by using force ... OR—sometimes a more powerful force than metal chains—they can use guilt and mental manipulation. According to your letter, they have been conditioning you for years to believe that you are not capable of anything. Now is the time to overcome that conditioning and believe in yourself. You must have some self-respect still within you or else you would not be bristling at their manipulation and disapproval; you are aware that they are doing this to you. Therefore, there is something inside you that doesn’t believe their B.S. You have some pride and dignity and belief in yourself. Embrace that belief in your own capabilities. Make your plans to move out. Make sure they are good plans—and back up Plan A with a Plan B (contingency plan) in case your original plan doesn’t work. Why? Because nothing would be more awful than asserting to your family that you can make it on your own only to come crawling back later and asking if they will take you back. It is very important that once you leave you stay gone, which is why I cannot emphasize enough the importance of being prepared. Once you are well-prepared and confident in yourself, only then will you be able to face up to your family and tell them politely, firmly, and with love that you are going to move out. Remember, this doesn’t mean you are breaking off the relationship; it means only that you are defining a new paradigm for that relationship. This is what adults do, and, as an adult, you are capable of doing it. Don’t be afraid to grow up and you will be able to face your future with confidence and self-respect. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
It seem for a while now I been working as a medical assistant I help nurses and doctors on a daily basis, mostly with the disabled and mentally handicapped. so I deal with an array of medical issues, I help with some type of end of life care, and I have to be so positive I haven’t had time to let out my stress. It’s starting to wear me out. I haven't been feeling happy. My fursona, Mr. Silvius, I feel like he's becoming negative. Are my emotions affecting Mr. Silvius? Thank you, Papa Bear Mr. Silvius (21) * * * Dear Mr. Silvius, I would say that yours is a very astute and likely correct observation. When we are unable or unwilling to express our emotions—especially negative emotions—in some way, all that aggravation, frustration, and pain has to come out in some manner or else we would explode. In extreme cases, this is why you see some people “go postal” and actually murder people. They feel that no one listens to them or that they are powerless and it becomes way too extreme for them, overwhelming them into lethal behavior. I’m not saying you’ll do that, don’t worry. You have found, subliminally, a safer way to release your emotions, transferring them to your fursona. I can certainly understand how your work would leave you sad, frustrated, and even angry. You have to plaster that smile on your face and force your voice to be upbeat even in cases where you know there is no hope. Congratulations on being so unselfish and helping people the way you do. Now we have to help you! The best way I’ve found to release anger and other pent-up emotions is vigorous exercise. Ever feel like you want to kick the you-know-what out of something? Go to the gym and hit and kick a punching bag. Even better, take martial arts lessons, which show you not only how to kick butt but also how not to. By having discipline combined with physical exertion, you can really manage your darker emotions. Other ways to do this are things like running and swimming and weight training. Not only will this release a lot of energy from your body, it will make you healthier, and good health is an excellent way to reduce stress in your life. I think you will find that if you follow one of these strategies that best suits your interests and needs that the negative feelings will dissipate into the air and there won’t be any left to transfer to your fursona. If it doesn’t work, write to me again and we’ll talk some more. Good luck! Be Blessed! Papabear Papabear,
My question is very hard for me to phrase and hard to ask as well. I want to preface this by saying that I don't want to offend you Papabear, or anyone else who may read this. I don't know if I am a furry or not. I don't have any desire to dress like an animal, but there is a very definite part of me that wishes I was anything but human. I want to be something else. I'm drawn to certain animals as well. Does that make me a furry? Anonymous (age 19) * * * Dear Anonymous, I am not at all offended and not really sure why you think I would be, but I’m not, and I doubt anyone else is. You do not have to “dress like an animal” to be a furry. That’s just fursuiting, and only 1 in 5 furries does it. The center of your question, then, is really “what is a furry and am I one?” Well, furry is a lot of things, but essentially it is someone who enjoys anthropomorphized animals in fiction, movies, comics, and sometimes performance arts. What you are describing is the feeling that you don’t really belong among humans and are, inside, perhaps another animal. This falls more under the description of “Therian,” or “Therianthrope,” than furry. Now, a lot of Therians participate in the furry fandom, but being a Therian is different from being strictly a furry. There is some debate at times as to the strict definition of Therian. Some take it to the extent of the belief in things like lycanthropy in which the body can actually physically change into an animal, but most Therians I’ve come across simply believe that they harbor the spirit of an animal of some kind within them. Many Therians, therefore, believe they can experience either an astral-shift in form (their astral bodies become their inner animal spirit; this might also be called a dream-shift) or an aural-shift in which their auras become those of an animal (you’d have to be able to perceive auras to see this shift). There is also what is known as a phantom-shift. This is when you feel like part of you or all of you is an animal but you can see that physically there is no shift (sort of analogous to the phantom pain that some amputees feel in which they feel like they still have a limb that has been removed.) Note that Therians should be distinguished from Otherkin, who are people that feel they are in some way associated with beings we would consider mythical but that might be from parallel worlds, such as dragons, faeries, elves, demons, and the like. There are also people like me who, while I don’t believe I shift in any physical or spiritual way, feel a strong spiritual connection to an animal (in my case, bear) and believe that this animal becomes a spirit guide and influences our lives. Many Native Americans and other cultures that follow shamanistic beliefs feel that animals have a very important influence in our lives. My teacher, Blackbear, has introduced me to the concept of the Medicine Wheel, and how my bear spirit dominates the Western part of that wheel (I have not yet discovered the other spirit animals that may be influencing me). You say that you are drawn toward certain animals. This is something you should try to explore in order to find your spirit animal (either guide or inner spirit) or animals. You can learn more at sites such as http://therianthropes.com/therians.htm and http://www.werespace.net/. I also found this rather good introduction to Therianthropy: http://www.tygerwolfe.com/writing/essays/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-therian-by-redfeather-falconhawk/. And this is a short introduction to power animals on the Medicine Wheel: http://www.pathofthefeather.com./index.html. So, long answer short, I would say you are a Therian. You may certainly feel free to participate in the furry fandom as many Therians do, but it would be worth your while to find out more about Therianthropy and your spiritual connection to animals. Good luck! Papabear Hello, it's me again,
First a little follow up of my last letter, I forgave Apple for the robbery, he has slowed on his drug use as well as bought himself a quad which keeps him busy and off drugs :D Since my last letter, a lot has happened, I left my home town, I traveled for awhile, I lived in a few places, I've met so many people, I saw lot of things, made a few new friends, even attended my first furry con, which really made me happy. Right now, I'm in college training to be a forestry firefighter; in two more weeks I'll be certified. I'll be protecting the forest and adding support in any disaster, Canadian or American. But in travels, I've realized something: in my last letter, I mentioned that me and Apple were in a "Bad Environment" living there. I, without knowing it, put my personality in a shell. I can't freely express myself; my voice is deeper than normal; I stand tall rather then my normal relaxed stance; people who judge me based on my physical look often think I am angry or unhappy, when I could be just bored or shy. I also have trouble carrying a conversation. Since at home I didn't really talk, if I do talk it's usually short, quick replies straight to the point. I do this out of reflex. I wanted to know if you knew a way I could break this shell, express my personality, and speak more freely. I'm interested in finding a mate, but if I can't express myself or learn to carry a conversation, I imagine that I'm not going to even have a relationship D: Hale * * * Dear Hale, I am glad you and Apple have reconciled, and it’s good that he is using fewer drugs, but it really won’t be “mission accomplished” until he is off them completely. I hope he gets there. I’m also very proud of you for pursuing an awesome career in fighting forest fires. That’s a difficult and brave and generous thing to do! As you’ve surmised, your behavior around people has been heavily influenced by the environment in which you grew up. Your penchant for being terse with your language and even your body posture are all defense mechanisms, shields used to defend yourself from being hurt. You are probably correct that your speech and mannerisms might be off-putting to potential mates. You can take two approaches to changing how you behave. In the behavior-therapy approach, you focus on consciously changing your behavior, forcing yourself to stand in a more relaxed position and to answer questions with longer, more detailed responses. If you practice this enough, eventually these adjusted behaviors will become second nature to you, just as, say, forcing yourself to do a backflip will eventually make backflips quite easy to perform. How you improve in this area is to work on it incrementally. Each day, consciously think of relaxing your posture, especially when around others; also, when someone talks to you, instead of, say, replying with a simple “yes” or “no,” Pause and think for a second and add a sentence or two to your reply. If you can’t think of something relevant to the question, then, after answering the question, ask the other person something about him or herself. In other words, consciously become engaged in the other person; be curious about his or her life. Example: Acquaintance: “Hi, there! How are you today?” You: “Fine. Same old thing.... Um, hey, you’re John’s friend, right? Do you guys work together? etc. etc.” Try to initiate a dialogue instead of just replying and offering the minimally required response. You might benefit from reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Much of the material in the book seems like common sense, but common sense is not so common anymore, apparently. The other approach is to address what is going on inside you and, by doing so, your outward behavior should change organically. To do so, you will need to explore and understand why you have all these mistrust issues to begin with (you might wish to consult a professional on this one). Second, you need to find people whom you can trust as friends and establish healthy relationships with them. Remembering that trust is a two-way street, start by doing small, kind things for others and see who will reciprocate, when the time is appropriate. Other things you can do to gain someone’s trust are: 1) be respectful of other people’s time (i.e., e.g., don’t show up late when you agree to meet someone); 2) make eye contact when talking to people; 3) similarly, don’t be afraid of touching others, including handshakes, a touch on the shoulder, or even a hug, if appropriate; 4) if someone tells you something in confidence, respect that absolutely; 5) be reliable; and 6) always be kind and considerate. It takes a long time to establish a new, trusting relationship (and this approach is much slower than the behavior modification method), but doing so will help you get out of your shell. By becoming a more trusting, sociable person, you will be able to alter your behavior so that you become a more open, welcoming personality. And when your personality is more inviting, you will find that others will be more attracted to you, making finding a mate much more likely. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear.
I just started getting into the fandom as my New Year’s resolution after being inspired and shown by a fur on Twitter, as if a whole new world opened up before me, something that I came to realize over the years that I jokingly sorta refused in a way XD LOL. Anyways, I told my best friend about it since our relationship is very, "Frodo-Sam, Red-Andy Dufrense" (I tend to sleep over at his house on rare occasion). I told him that I was a furry and that he didn't really care or seem to mind and was pretty much cool with it, I even showed him the documentary regarding furries, and he completely understood what furries seem to be however weird, bizarre or odd they can be at times. Overtime, little by little, I told some of my friends and family about it, and they seem pretty cool with it! They don't really care. In fact, I just recently got a commission done on FA with my fursona and I love it a lot, even showed it to my cousin! (Taking a first step in a new world) ;) However, as time went by, my best friend is the only person of his own family to know that I was a furry. So I asked him when I would be able to tell his family, and he said that he doesn't want me to tell his sister or his sister’s boyfriend; he also said that she would rather have me come out than be a furry. Can you believe that?! We're still friends and we always will be, but the problem is is that he's afraid what will happen if I told ANY of his relatives of it, particularly his sister and boyfriend. :I I don't know the whole story of it all, and maybe it’s just stigma or bitterness of what they possibly experienced at the time before I would come to know of it, if any at all. I'm afraid that if I don't tell them, they'll find out sooner or later through terrible truth and they might do something. But if I do tell them and be sincerely honest, my friend is still anxious to what they might do, since they technically own the house, though we live some miles apart. Not to mention the stories that he told me regarding some of his own friends past experiences with possible furries. What do you think I should do? Keep it a secret, though it doesn't really hurt anyone, respecting my friend’s wishes, which I would do, however, in fear of them figuring it out anyway, or tell them without his consent and see what happens, though doubtful anything remotely negative would happen. Wolfthorne * * * Dear Wolfthorne, This one is simple: respect your friend’s wishes not to tell his other family members you are a furry. After all, he’s your friend and you shouldn’t go behind his back or do something contrary to what he asked. You have already told your own family, but his family is really not your responsibility to inform. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to hide it if you don’t wish to. You have the right to be yourself, and if your friend’s sister saw you wearing a tail, for instance, and she asks if you are a furry, it would be silly to deny it. But don’t go out of your way to reveal who you are to them. Don’t fret about his family finding out, though. You have the right to be yourself, if you want to. If his sister is a jerk about this, that's her problem. You seem to imply that your friend is going to be kicked out of his home because you’re a furry. That’s ridiculous. Why would they kick him out? He’s not a furry. Worst cast scenario is they demand he not see you anymore because of this “terrible truth” you speak of. Good Lord, even you sound ashamed of being a furry and you should not be. On the other paw, you seem to believe nothing bad will happen, so I'm a bit confused as to what you really feel will go on if his family finds out. If you ask me, your friend seems a bit embarrassed that you’re a furry and is using his sister as an excuse. I could be wrong about that, but it occurred to me. So be respectful of your friend's wishes, but don’t take any extraordinary measures to hide who you are, either. Stay Furry! Papabear |
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