Hi Papabear,
I've been apart of the furry community for a while now, but I never met a furry until I moved here about 3 months ago. I was searching to try and meet furries, and soon I found some and was integrated into a nice little furry circle of friends. I love it and they are all awesome. But other furries that are part of the official group and aren't in our circle of friends are for some odd reason bringing up drama from the past and it's gotten to the point where I may now be unwillingly involved and threatened to involve another furry friend of mine, scaring her to the point of leaving all of the fur groups and blocking everyone on FB who was a furry until this blew over. The stuff that's happening is being blown way out of proportion and I want nothing to do with this other little group of troublemakers. All of this drama apparently started before I had joined and as much as my group of friends just want's nothing to do with it and back off, the other group has one individual that continues to harass us. Me and my friends were debating dropping out of the current group and creating a new group just for us and people we invite to communicate and have fun without the drama and just forget about their harassment. But they were able to obtain things like my phone number and where I live when I don't store things like that on the internet. I also have the feeling that all they really want to do anyway is stir up drama. What should I do? Thanks, Troubled Fur Dear Troubled Fur, This is a little difficult for Papabear to answer as your letter does not give a lot of details, so it is hard to know exactly what is going on. If I have this straight, you joined a group of furries that, apparently, had experienced a bit of drama with another “official” group of furries (not sure what makes their group more official than yours, but whatever) before you joined the group, and now this other group of furries won’t let it go, even though you have tried to put distance between you. It sounds, too, as if one furry in particular is causing most of the headaches. It’s not clear to Papabear why they are targeting you, apparently, when you had nothing to do with the original issue. From what I can tell in your letter, it sounds like another case in which an irrational person wants to hurt other people in order to make him/herself feel better about his/her own life. In other words: a bully. There are several ways of dealing with a bully. The best way, as you have already tried, is to ignore him or her until they get tired of trying to (unsuccessfully) annoy you and go away. Bullies thrive on attention, and they dry up and blow away like old dog feces in the desert sun when they are ignored. Now, you don’t say that any of this has become physically threatening, so I will assume it hasn’t. On the other hand, it is very disturbing that, even though you did not make your contact information readily available online, this person has sought it out, found it out, and now has located you again and is again, apparently, bullying you. Your next option is to confront the bully. Have you been able to talk to this person and try to straighten out the issue? Nine times out of ten, “drama” happens because of a misunderstanding. Effective communication can cause the other person to realize that he/she was all wrong and there was really nothing to be angry about. Let’s say, next, that you either have tried to talk to this person and nothing was resolved, or you were unable to get them to talk to you. Now you are at the point where you need to double your efforts to cut this person out of your existence so you can get on with your life and have fun with your furiends. The first thing you need to do is stop them from calling you. I’m sure you have already blocked them from contacting you online; now you can do the same thing with your phone. There are several apps you can download on your phone, including “Mr. Number” and “Call Block” that you can use to block someone from calling you from a particular number. These two are free, and there are also some that charge a small fee. For your land line, if you have one, you need to contact your phone company, give them the offending number, and tell them to block it. Now, if this person is actually coming to your HOME and harassing you, you have the law on your side. You can contact your local police and tell them you believe you are being stalked. You can even, in extreme cases, get a restraining order. You might, too, find out what your local cyberbullying and cyberharassing laws are. Recent tragedies have led lawmakers to beef up these laws to protect people who have reason to believe they are in serious danger. I’m not sure if this is the case with you—and I hope it isn’t!—but it can be your final resort. An important step in making your case against being harassed is to document everything. Whenever this person calls you, write down the number, date, and time of the call and what transpired. If they send you emails or IMs, save them. If they are writing you letters, save them. If they come to your door, take pictures of them or record them on video, and if they ask you what you are doing, tell them you are keeping a record of what they are doing. I really hope that the problems you are having with this bully are not that extreme and can be resolved with rational dialog, but I am trying to cover all the bases here, since I don’t know for sure what is going on. If you can’t make this person go away by ignoring them, then do what Papabear does: get your grrr on! Stick up for yourself and defend your territory, which, in this case, is you and your friends having the right to enjoy being furries without fear of being harassed by petty people. Good luck! Let Papabear know how it works out! Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Hello, Papabear.
Why are people so upset with the thought of a third gender? Furries, etc, seem to be mostly fine with it. I'm an androgynous pseudohermaphrodite ("shemale," in porn terms) and I like myself, but people always seem to have a problem with that... I didn't become this, I grew into it, for the most part. Some research showed me that men don't like it when you're attractive for them, while having a penis and women don't like that you're not a valid prey for them... :\ Do you know the answer? Thanks, Jen. Dear Jen, Wow, this is a big question. There’s no way I could give a fully satisfactory answer within the scope of the “Ask Papabear” column, but I will try and provide a little basic insight. From what you say above, you are a male pseudohermaphrodite, in which you appear to be female at first glance but you have a penis. (I believe “androgynous pseudohermaphrodite” is redundant, but I could be wrong). Pseudohermaphroditism is sometimes called being “intersex,” in which a person exhibits some characteristics of both genders. It’s not so much a “third sex” as it is a combination of the other two. There is also female pseudohermaphroditism (having ovaries but outwardly male in appearance) and true hermaphroditism (having both ovaries and testes). I’m writing this for the benefit of my readers; I’m sure you already are familiar. As to why men and women may be uncomfortable with your being androgynous, the answer is pretty basic. Human beings, as with all animals, are biologically programmed to reject individuals who would not make viable reproductive partners. This is the same reason why many people are cruel to and reject people who are different from them in other ways. Humans, no matter how much we aggrandize ourselves and believe we are superior to other species, are just animals with big brains. We still behave in very fundamental ways, for the most part, that have to do with survival of the fittest and reproduction. The results can sometimes be hurtful. Let’s face it, humans still have some evolving to do. Of course, in a happier world, we would have all evolved beyond such prejudices and accept others for what they are. What matters, as you know, is what’s on the inside. You, Jen, have clearly accepted yourself. You like yourself, and that is so wonderful! Some hermaphrodites opt for surgery, but you are staying true to yourself. But now you have a really tough task. If you don’t want to be alone in your life, you’re going to have a challenging time finding someone who accepts you for you. This is certainly not impossible; it’s just going to be tough. You might wish to consider checking out the Intersex Society of North American at http://www.isna.org/ which lists some support groups and has more information on the subject. I hope this helps, Jen. Good luck! Papabear,
i would like advice on the best way you think is to tell my family i'm a furry. I'm not worried they'll shun me or look down on me I'm more worried they'll tell me to stop. I have been a furry for six years and can't think of my life without the fandom, for me i can't flip a switch and be a non-furry, plus the fandom has almost been like a second family to me it gave me a furry shoulder to cry on when sad and gave me a fuzzy perked up ear to listen when i needed to say something. I realize some people are probably tired of hearing about the whole "coming out" speech but i enjoy the fandom enough to see that it's not just a hobby it's a part of my life. thanks for listening and i eagerly await a reply --Breakr Dear Breakr: This is a great question and one I’ve come across a lot. As with coming out to a family when you are gay (although you do not mention whether you are gay or straight), it is a delicate situation that you can easily mess up if you take the wrong approach. A lot depends on what kind of people your parents and other family members are. Are they open-minded or judgmental? Have they been supportive of you all your life, or have they treated you poorly? You don’t really go into details on this, but you DO say that you don’t think they will shun you or look down on you, which is a good sign. Why they would “make you stop” when they seem to be understanding people is another question. I think part of the problem is that many furries think that others will consider being a furry shameful, as if you are a deviant. To begin with, you should not approach it this way when you discuss it with your family. If you go into the dialog with the notion that being a furry is no worse than being, say, a Trekkie, then your parents will pick up on this and not think it is so bad at all. If, on the other hand, you have it in your mind that you are a “deviant” this, too, will come across when you talk about it. Body language is key here. Don’t go into the conversation with your head hung down, looking at your feet, mumbling and acting nervous. Look at them straight in the eye, as if you were asking them about what’s for dinner. Bad Approach: “Mom, Dad, have you ever heard about furries? Like, maybe you caught that CSI episode when a bunch of people in animal costumes were having sex? Well, I’m really into that.” Good Approach: “Mom, Dad, you know I like fantasy literature and stuff like Disney animated cartoons, right? Well, I really like that stuff, and I have been talking to some people online who also like it. They like to draw anthropomorphic characters—you know, kind of like Dumbo or Bambi—and write stories about them. Some of them call anthropomorphic characters ‘furries’ for short, and we all talk about it online. Anyway, I just wanted to explain that to you so if you see me drawing or writing about furry characters you know what it’s about. I’ve been making some friends online and I would like to also meet them in person. It can get a little goofy sometimes. You know, like a Star Trek fan wearing Spock ears, but instead sometimes my friends will wear animal ears for fun, stuff like that.” And go on from there. It’s all in how you approach the subject: act ashamed of it and your family will see that immediately in you and act like you are a drug addict; act nonchalant about it, as if it’s no big deal (which it shouldn’t be), and they will hopefully react to your news just as nonchalantly. Let them ask questions about it, and be honest in your replies. If they ask about “fursuit sex” or something like that, just say, “Well, a lot of these people are teenagers and, just like other teenagers, they might have sex, but that’s not what I’m about. I just like making friends.” I hope that this helps, Breakr. Papabear is proud of you for being who you are. Bear Hugs. Hi Papabear,
I was wondering something for a while. Ever since I joined the Furry fandom in 2009, I've been having trouble trying to figure out what kind of fur I am. I know it's feline, but I'm not sure what race. I've figured out White Tiger but... I really don't know. And I'm kind of tired of changing it so much. It's gone from pink cat, to cabbit, to leopard, to fox, and now white tiger. So my question to you is, do you know how someone could discover that part of them? --Desphiria Hi, Desphiria, Papabear understands such transitions. When I was a little cub, I was a wolf; then, as a teenager and 20-something, I was a dragon, and now I am a bear. I believe that many furries change species as they themselves change, which is particularly true as you grow through your teenaged years and discover who you are. Don’t be upset if you can’t figure it out right away. One thing you can do, though, is learn more about the various species that catch your interest. Do some research on foxes, leopards, tigers, etc., and as you learn more about them you might discover which ones have traits most like your own. Another, less scientific way is to think about your dreams. When you dream, do you ever dream about certain animals? When you do, do you feel a closer affinity to some rather than others? You do not have to actually be dreaming, either, to feel a connection to certain species. While I am, of course, a bear, I have learned that I also have some connections to Owl because I've had personal experiences with them in my real life. This is not a bad thing. Indeed, if you believe at all in animal spirituality and the Medicine Wheel, it is healthy to balance certain animal aspects of yourself with other animals. I believe this is why some furries like hybrids. So, Papabear’s advice to you would be to, first, relax and take time to explore your soul and your connection to other species. Educate yourself about animals and their behaviors. Be open to dreams and to your personal physical experiences as well. The more open you are to other animal spirits, the easier it will be for the spirit that most suits you to let you know that they are there for you, that they are your animal match. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am what you would call “furry” and I have been to several local cons. I don’t really live the “furry” lifestyle in as such that I wear a tail, bark at people, eat out of a dog bowl, or wear a collar. I have certainly been caught “Mooing” at the cows though. I do spend years and years writing furry stories (no yiff... sorry). I don’t really have any problems with my furriness; I am open, and not prejudiced to almost anything or anyone. In hindsight, I would say that I was very young, about 10 years old, when I can say I had a truly furry-moment. I have noticed that in the “Fandom” (people who are actively social with their furriness), that there is a very high percentage above the general population of people with conditions considered not “normal”. Many of my furry friends have Asperger syndrome or other autism disorders, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or Dyslexia. The Fandom also exhibits a very high percentage of Gay/Bi members. Myself, I am not Gay or Bi, but while growing up, I was slightly autistic with some classical tics now associated with Tourette's syndrome. I admit that even in my adult years (Nearly 50), I am still not as social as most people, and my brain registers data differently than other people I work with. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I make very good wages and I am the only one where I work who has ever earned the highest award for excellence from the company (in the last 25 years). The mystery to me is why does the Furry Fandom attract the people it does? Is “Furry” some undiscovered psychological symptom of another condition? Please answer this mystery for me so that I can sleep peacefully again. --Blue-Moo Dear Blue-Moo: While this column is intended as a way of offering some advice about personal problems, and not to answer such questions as “what is a furry?” I’m going to read in between the lines of your letter and guess that you are troubled about your furriness, even though you say you “don’t really have any problems” with it. You describe yourself as a furry who doesn’t follow the “furry lifestyle,” who isn’t interested in writing yiffy stories, and who does not suffer from serious psychological issues, except for mild autism and Tourette’s. You also seem to feel that most furries behave like dogs (wearing collars and drinking from bowls), are gay or bi, and suffer from learning disabilities or other problems such as Asperger syndrome. I think you would be interested in reading a couple of surveys that have been done on the furry community. The first one was very recently posted right here on FNN at http://www.furrynewsnetwork.com/2012/01/mixed-venue-survey-delineates-furries-therians-otherkin/. The other one is an ongoing survey that is quite interesting at http://www.klisoura.com/furrypoll.php. You can take the survey yourself there and then see the results here: http://www.klisoura.com/ot_furrysurvey2011.php. I think that, once you read about these surveys, you will see that the furry community is a lot more diverse than you might think. A LOT of furries are heterosexual, for example, and a lot are really not all that interested in yiff. At least, not any more than any other healthy individual. For Papabear, a “furry” is simply someone who is interested in anthropomorphic characters in fiction, art, and so on. It is, in a real sense, a subset of the same group of people who enjoy comic book or Star Trek conventions. Comic book fans, sci-fi/fantasy fans, and furry fans all have something in common: they enjoy creative, escapist literature and art. Like these other sorts of fandom, the community of furries is complex; generalizing what a “typical” furry is can be quite a misguided pursuit. For instance, you are very much a furry, though you do not meet the “definition” of a furry as a gay or bisexual male with a learning disability who drinks from a bowl and doesn’t have a good job. You ask why the furry fandom attracts these sorts of people, and my answer would be that it attracts them for the same reasons that it attracts you. So, if you explore your own reasons for being drawn toward furries, I think you will find your answer. Bear hugs to you, Blue-Moo. Papabear is glad you have a good job and are enjoying the fandom. Thanks for your question! Papabear |
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