Dear Papa Bear, I wanted to ask you about advice for talking and relating with other furries. You see, this year is my first time going to Anthrocon. The problem is that I'm going alone since none of my friends are furries and are not interested in going. I was hoping to try to become friends with fellow furries that I'll meet, but I have to deal with my AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder), so it's going to be EXTREMELY hard trying to talk to other people. So please give me some advice. Sincerely, Lyroe The Elk (age 21) * * * Dear Lyroe, I’m sure that you are well aware of what AvPD is, but for my other readers, a quick summary: unlike a condition such as autism, AvPD is not an illness; it is not a psychological disorder per se; there is nothing wrong with your hormones or your nervous system. To me, then, it is simply a label that the psychology community has come up with to describe a very very very shy person. The good news is that this makes it eminently easier to treat because it is a learned behavior. You have gotten yourself into an infinite loop of thinking that reinforces negativity about yourself. So, the thing to do is to break out of the loop by adding subroutines that lead you out of the mind trap in which you have found yourself. A good introductory article I found on the topic was written by Eduard Ezeanu (http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/avoidant-personality-disorder/). He describes three ways to help yourself with AvPD: 1) Challenging and changing dysfunctional thinking. People with avoidant personality disorder tend to have a lot of limiting beliefs, plus an unrealistic view of social standards and of themselves. These need to be corrected by consciously changing the way they think. By planning on a trip to Anthrocon, you are kind of plunging yourself into the fire. Rather than working on step 2 gradually, you will likely be overwhelmed. Literally thousands of furries will be surrounding you. It really would have been far better for you to start with a small furmeet and then work your way gradually up to an event that is literally the biggest furry convention on the planet.
You only have a few months until AC. You might try preparing yourself by reading Marin Kantor’s The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder. There is no magic potion or sage words of advice that I can provide you that will prepare you adequately for AC in this short column. AvPD is overcome over time and with a lot of effort on your part. Since you already know what AvPD is, your probably know this, as well. I suppose the best advice I can give you at this point is try to not overwhelm yourself with what you will see at AC. Almost 5,600 furries attended the Pittsburgh convention in 2013, and that number is almost certain to grow this year. Just being in the lobby with so many people is going to stress you out. So, as much as possible, try to take your furry exposure in small doses. In the meantime, try reading as much as possible on AvPD and working on changing your thinking and improving your people skills. Hope this helps, at least a little bit. Take care, Papabear
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Dearest Papabear,
[You CAN post this on your site!! Your advice really did help and made a change in my life, I feel that everyone has to know now!!] I wrote you a letter last year, and I do hope that you remember me! I was the wolf fur that talked to you about being in an unofficial relationship with a ladies' man, and how it was affecting me. I think I told you that my mate's pseudonim was Lion and how he was interested in a girl named Foxy at first but then finally chose over me. I also told you that Lion changed, but I wasn't so sure about taking the relationship to another level because of his player past. I also told you that he had mentioned marriage and taking the relationship to another level and that he had changed completely in the end, but I also told you that I didn't trust him a 100% due to his past. You told me that I should give him a chance, yet with caution. Well, here's an update, because your advice changed my view about many things, and I feel like it helped me completely! After our emails, I decided just to let go and focus on other things. After a while, he kept doing what he did. I just let everything go and I just prayed that things would actually improve. He was slowly changing for the better, yet he didn't make the move into making the relationship official. After a few months, I decided to have a serious conversation with him, telling him that if he didn't make the relationship official soon, I would end everything, because I was tired of waiting. He cried, yet begged me for forgiveness, and he said that he had a surprise for me soon. I noticed that his behavior changed completely to the somewhat-distant Lion to the warm, loving and caring Lion. Then, suddenly, he surprised me in my birthday! We are official now since December 10th, 2013! Which was of course the best present ever! He has changed DRASTICALLY, he hasn't returned to his player and ladies' man ways of the past, and we're saving up for marriage. He has stopped and cut short all communication with all the girls that he used to talk to, and he has really stopped his wandering ways. He has regained my trust, yet I always do keep an eye on him just in case. But he has really improved and he has proved to me in many ways that he does love me and that he has changed. He respects me completely [in all aspects of the word] and has shown that he wants to take things seriously now. I feel that we are going to be a long-term relationship and I couldn't be happier. He is the most caring, loving and gentleman Lion I could ever ask for. I just wanted you to let you know that everything is splendid now, and I want you to know that you really did help me. I am more than eternally grateful for your time, kind words and help. Keep doing what you're best at--helping us little furs with our big problems! Thanks Papabear! Love, Nameria <3 * * * Hi, Nameria, Thank you so much for taking the time to write me about your life and how you are doing! I am so happy that I was able to help and that your life is taking a turn for the better. I wish you much love, kindness, and happiness in the future with your Lion. (And if he does stray again, let me know and the bear will come and kick lion butt -- LOL, just kidding) Hugs, Papabear Hello Mister Bear~
It's Dean again from The Netherlands! I...have a question, but first off a happy New Year to you! Um, my question (And it may be a weird one) Ever since I've joined furdom a couple years ago and that I've known that I'm an in-the-closet Gay fur, I've noticed that there are a lot of furmeets and conventions being held in different countries, all of them way too far to go to. I got a bit fed up with the problem that I can't leave the house since my mom wants to know where I'm heading every time I'm leaving the house. It irritates me till deep in my furry bones. (Probably is that I've didn't told her yet and I'm 19). Anyway, that aside, I wonder if there are any furmeets or conventions in my own country since I'm aching to go to one ever since I've seen pictures of people standing by fursuits in perfect harmony. With love, a big hi-paw and hugs, Dean L. R. Shaw! * * * Hi again, Dean :-3 Yes sirree, there is a convention in the Netherlands called Furry Weekend Holland (http://www.furryweekend.nl/), which I think is a fairly new one. It is located in Sleen, not too far from Groningen and is held in March. If you are ever able to travel a bit further someday (not a problem in Europe with its excellent train system), then I would highly recommend going to Eurofurence, which is in Germany http://www.eurofurence.org/EF19/. As for locating other Dutch furries, here are a couple options: first, try FurryMap at https://furrymap.net/, which shows quite a few furries in your area. Also, there is a page on the Anthrocon site that lists some furries here http://www.anthrocon.org/profile/profile_location/Netherlands. If you go to Furry4Life.com there is a small Dutch group there of about 30 members at http://furry4life.org/group/dutchfurs. Perhaps even more helpful to you would be the Furmeets.nl site at http://furmeets.nl/ which has information about meets in both the Netherlands and Belgium. While it is not hugely active, when I checked it, it does seem up to date. Next, try a couple LiveJournal sites, including http://dutchfur.livejournal.com/ and http://dutchpaw.livejournal.com/ and see if you can connect to some furries there. If you feel up to it, you could also create some online groups of your own and see if it attracts some nearby furries. For instance, you could create a Facebook page specifically for Dutch Furs, or if you are into SecondLife you could go there and see if you can locate some locals. I think the above should give you a good start at finding some furry kinfolk to hang out with! Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've been drawing since I was ten, and I keep improving more and more. I do trades and art raffles online, and people are generally pleased with what I draw for them. Lately, I've begun to develop a "if I'm good at something, I shouldn't do it for free" mentality. I'd like to open commissions, because I would like to gain experience in selling art. I'm not the best artist, but I'm better than many. I've seen with less skill than me (and I don't mean than in a condescending way) do commissions for people, so why can't I? Anyway, I would like to get my foot through the door of commissions but the problem is that it seems like the yiff and fetish artists are the ones that seem to get the most customers and I don't want to draw yiff. I don't want to draw it because I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I'm able to draw tame(ish) fetish related art and pinups, however, if people really want me to. I'm just afraid that people will get turned off to me as an artist because I don't want to draw yiff. Is there a way for me to get my paw in the door of commissions without drawing yiff? Sincerely, Caleb (age 18) * * * Dear Caleb, I agree that if you have a skill you should be able to make an income using those skills. Knowing other artists, I also have to regrettably agree that there is a higher demand for furporn than pretty much anything else out there, and I do know of artists who draw it only because they can’t make money drawing G or PG stuff. There are a couple other ways you can still go that are still very popular with many furries, however. One is to specialize as a badge designer. It is rare to see a furcon attendee without one of these badges, and sometimes more. I have about 10 of them myself :-) You don't make a lot per badge, but they are quick to draw so you can make up with quantity what you lack in price per badge. Second, and kind of related to the above, is character reference sheets. These are in demand by people who want to have fursuits made for them (below is a copy of the one I had done for my Grubbs Grizzly fursuit). Another medium that is very popular is furry comics. And many of these are clean. Some furry artists who are popular with their porn have also managed to be popular with clean furry comics and graphic novels. One that comes to mind is Blotch (actually a female team of artists). If you are unsure of your writing skills, or simply have no interest in writing, there are lots of furry writers out there who are seeking a good illustrator to collaborate with (I know of one very close to me who is still looking for one). So, there are three ideas where you can be paid as an artist to do non-furporn art that is still very popular with furries. Hope that helps!!! Hugs, Papabear Hello again!
I have heard this from lots of fellow gay men and I think there may be an element of truth for myself and that is an attraction to straight men. I am really just curious as to why that attraction might take place, as there is no logical reason they would share that attraction, as they are heterosexual. There is also the fact that many heterosexual people are scared of gay people asking them out and if this attraction does take place, it might indeed fuel their fears. I was just a little curious if there might be any reason this may occur. Thanks! -Fred * * * Hi, Fred, What a fascinating question; thanks for posing it. I am not an authority on gay people by any means, and I certainly cannot speak for all of them, but I have some knowledge of this topic, and some theories. Let’s put them out there and see if we get some comments from other readers, shall we? One answer as to why some gay men are attracted to straight men that I’ve actually heard from the mouths of some friends and acquaintances is that some gay men are afraid of, or not interested in, an actual serious relationship at this point in their lives. Therefore, making the moves on a straight guy is actually a “safe” thing to do because he’s never going to ask you to be his boyfriend or to marry him. So, on the off chance that a gay guy might convince a straight man to give him a bj or do some other stuff along those lines, there is no fear of commitment. Another factor is pure attraction. I know that both I and my partner have looked at guys on TV or elsewhere that we thought were hot only to be rather disappointed to find out they were straight. Still, the mental fantasy may occur in the back of one’s mind (a girl can dream, can’t she? LOL). There can also be the hope that some of these guys who say they are straight actually are not. Many are the ads on personal websites where a “straight” guy says to the effect: “Wife/girlfriend won’t give me what I need; looking for some relief today....” This all goes along with the very true reality that most people are not 100% gay or straight. It is normal in human sexuality to be a bit of both, though usually leaning toward one way or the other. Just because you find that getting some oral from a gay man feels good does not make you gay, by the way. Perhaps some gay men see a straight man as a challenge: a chance to show them that their sexuality is more complex than “straight” macho men will admit to. Our modern American society, still suffering a hangover headache from our Puritan roots, has a twisted and unhealthy view of sexuality that has caused millions of men and women a lot of grief. Interestingly, Native peoples had a much better and healthier perspective on this. Women and men who exhibited qualities of the opposite gender were actually held in high esteem and called “Two-Spirit People.” This is because native peoples (unlike most Americans) valued a person’s spirit (what was on the inside) more than what was on the outside (gosh, imagine that!) Take a look at this fascinating article. http://www.firstpeople.us/articles/the-two-spirit-people-of-indigenous-north-americans.html. Another interesting case is that of the Etoro people in Papua New Guinea. This tribal society believes that semen is a life-giving force, and so the men believe that having sex with other men actually prolongs their lives, while sex with women is just for reproduction. The Sambia people, on a different note, actually force young boys to have sex with men as an initiation right to make them less feminine so that they become fierce warriors. I seem to have digressed, but it is such an interesting topic you’ve opened up, Fred. In short, though, I don’t think there is one reason why this happens. But, just to clarify for some of the prejudiced people out there, no, there is no ongoing conspiracy by the LGBT community to “convert” straight people into gay people. Sad to say, the opposite is not true because there are many people out there trying to convince us that being a homosexual is a sickness but that we can be “cured” or “converted” back to being straight. My advice to straight men (or women, for that matter) is that if a gay person approaches you with an offer take it as a compliment that they find you attractive. Say, “Thanks very much! I’m flattered! I’m sorry, but I’m not gay, but you seem like a nice person and I’m always open to new friendships....” In other words, be nice. Don’t get freaked out. You aren’t going to catch gay cooties. If you are confident and comfortable in your own skin, just chill out and make a new friend. We are not zombies come to eat your brain, and we are not going to wave our fairy wands over you and make you gay. (Seriously, this is how some people think). Oh—and this one is priceless—we don’t carry secret rings with gay-cootie thorns that we then give to men to infect them with HIV. Thank you, Pat Robertson. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/pat-robertson-aids-rings_n_3824401.html People need to stop freaking out about their sexuality. If we all could chill, we would have a much more civilized and less neurotic society. I Give You the Secret Bear Hug. You Are Now Gay. Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha! Papabear Hi Papa bear.
I was wondering how to talk to stubborn patents about furries. My parent recently looked at my tumblr and email seeing questions about fursuits. From some of the people on tumblr I follow she saw "bad" things. How do I explain to her that not all furries are bad. Koma the hybrid (age 14) * * * Hi, Koma, I have assembled some useful videos for you and furries like you here http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/videos.html. Have your parents check these out. They are very informative and much better than random searches on the web. Let me know if you need more help. Hugs, pbear Dear Papa Bear,
I had something happen to me tonight that requires a little mulling over. Last year I got involved in a community theater production and I met this guy about halfway through the rehearsals. The night I met him it was bad weather and he was nice enough to give me a ride home and we ended up exchanging numbers. Now I merely consider this guy to be an acquaintance, I only saw him sporadically before the opening night performance, and I know very little about him other than he works as a music teacher. So the production ends at the beginning of May, and oh, about eight months go by and then tonight, the guy in question texts me and asks me if I want to go night sledding with him. I was a little confused at first before I remembered who it was. Well, naturally I was hesitant and I mentioned having to work at the time he wants to meet, but he still insists on meeting up for night sledding. Furthermore, it’s in an area that I don’t know very well. I feel like he’s pushing me to meet up when I hardly even know him. Papa Bear, any advice you have on how to deal with this will be greatly appreciated! Sincerely, A Confused Coon * * * Hi, Coon, As Obiwan Kenobi might have said, “Trust your instincts.” That invitation is not at all normal, and you easily sensed that. All kinds of red flags went up, so I think you will agree with me when I say that you should not take him up on this idea of sledding in some area that is unfamiliar to you. This doesn’t mean that he is necessarily some kind of creepy stalker. It could be that he is simply a socially awkward person who doesn’t know how to set up a first date. Perhaps it took him months to work up the courage to ask you out and he suggested the sledding because it is something he is familiar with. Either way, your best bet is to politely decline this particular idea, but, if you have any interest in this guy at all—as friends or otherwise—make a counterproposal. Invite him to come along as your guest to a party or other meeting with a group of friends of your own, or perhaps you share some theater friends and you can all do something together. If he declines your counterproposal, it could be that the initial feeling of suspicion is correct and you should just avoid him. If he accepts, go with it and see where it takes you. Hope that helps! Papabear Dear Monsieur Bear,
What makes someone a furry? I have been interested the fandom for awhile, and think about it a lot, I have a sona, and talk to furs, like my awesome mate, and role play, is this "furry behavior"? How can you help me come to terms with being a furry? I'd appreciate it. Sincerely, A Curious Fox * * * Dear Curious, I believe that should be “Mon Cher Monsieur Ours” in French :-P It’s interesting the way you worded this as “come to terms with being a furry,” as if you were dealing with your sexual identity or a genetic disease. This is telling me that new people coming into the fandom like you (and I see this all the time) are immediately getting the impression from other furries (and elsewhere) that there is something wrong with you if you like being a furry. I really wish everyone—furries in particular—would get over the idea that we should be ashamed of ourselves. We should not be. What makes someone a furry? Just this: you like movies, comics, drawings, costumes, etc. that involve anthropomorphized animals. That, in essence, is all it is. That’s how the modern fandom started back in the 1980s, with a bunch of sci-fi and fantasy fiction buffs who got together because they liked things like Albedo and Omaha the Cat Dancer. So, that’s how it began (although anthro characters have a long history dating back to ancient mythology), but as the fandom developed, we saw the rise of what is called the “furry lifestyler.” These are people who, shall we say, take their furriness much more seriously. To them, it is not just a subgenre of sci-fi and fantasy, but rather has spiritual and psychological overtones. Many furries identify strongly with their animal side, usually with a particular species (for me, it’s bear). Going back to Wikifur, here’s a good introduction. There is no strict definition of furry, really. Make of it what you wish. And be very wary of furries who try to define it or insist that you are not furry because you don’t fit their idea of furry. (The word for such people is “douchebag.” Can you say that? Douchebag. I knew you could!) You say you have a fursona and socialize with furries and, yes, those are some things that are furry. You don’t need a membership card or a secret pawshake to be a furry. If you feel like a furry, clap your paws! :) Then click your heels three times together and voilà! You’re furry! :-P Don’t stress or fret about it. Chill out and enjoy the fluffy ride. And welcome to the fandom. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am not normally one to go looking for advice online, but I've been following your column on Twitter since I joined the fandom in September, and you have some legitimately good advice and I figured you might have some insight into my particular dilemma. Okay prologue over, I should give you some background: I am very new to the Furry community, really only getting involved in September this year, but I've been prolific in my short amount of time and made a lot of friends, constructed my first fursuit, nearly completed a second and am well into designing a third so that I can open for commissions. I've been suiting for a solid two weeks now and enjoy it immensely. I've also organized a local volunteer group, led a few different events which have been pretty successful and above all I have been having the time of my life. And this is where things get tricky. I never would have gotten as involved as I am without the encouragement of a friend of mine. He and I have been friends since high school and I knew he was involved in the furry community when we were in college a few years ago. So when I decided I wanted to see what the scene was all about I obviously went to him first. So he's been involved for a while and since he's pretty quiet and not very socially active, he hasn't made a lot of waves outside of his circle of friends and as far as I know he was uninterested in suiting or performing, choosing to stick more with the artistic side of things, something he is really good at! The problem is, I had gained a bit of popularity amongst the locals even before I started suiting. I am outgoing and friendly and really like meeting new people. At the time I started picking up on a bit of resentment from my friend, something I decided to ignore, assuming it would pass as he got more comfortable with the idea of me in the community, plus I tried to stick with him at meets, introduce him to some new people and get him to talk about his art with others. But as I finished my suit, and started becoming a bit more well known, this resentment has grown to a level which is making me a little uncomfortable. Mostly it comes down to him getting really sarcastic or angry anytime I want to talk about the fandom, or anytime someone recognizes me. It doesn't help that he keeps not getting recognized by people while I am. He was particularly upset when he was referred to as the "Guy" with me. Lately he has taken to trying to emulate what I've done in that he's decided to take up suiting and wants to build his own fursuit as well, but doesn't want to take on the work behind it. I feel like I should be happy he's making a move forward to get to where he wants to be, but I feel like he is doing it all for the wrong reasons. I got into suiting because I love performing. I got into building because I have years of experience in crafting and it was applicable to something that I wanted. There is a lot of passion and love (not to mention work!) behind what I've done and I feel like he's doing it out of jealousy and keeps pointing out issues with my work, often times loudly and in front of others. I feel like this cheapens what I've done and makes me more than a little sad, because he's devaluing my work. Now, while I know it is none of my business why he does anything, what I really want to ask is how you would go about dealing with this situation if you were me. Should I work on preserving this friendship, or just let things fall where they may? I want to be a good friend and open some doors for him, but I also don't want to get caught holding the door, especially when he is treating me unpleasantly for something I don't feel like I should apologize for. Should I keep pulling him along and endure his attitude in the hopes it gets better, or leave him to find his own way at the risk of seeming like a jerk? Maybe you can think of a third option. Hope you can help, One Conflicted Panda * * * Dear Conflicted, Welcome to the fandom! It’s pawsome that you are enjoying it so much and becoming so active, while having a lot of fun, too. I’m glad that we have you among our numbers. As for your friend, he is the very definition of jealousy rearing its ugly head. From what you write here (and remember, I can only form an opinion based on what I have learned from you) he is definitely emulating you because he wishes to reproduce your success in his own life. He resents you for becoming popular (note: I’m not saying you’re a popufur, which is actually more like what your friend is shooting for) and is probably being nasty to you because he is thinking along these lines: “Hey, if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be a furry. I’m the one who made you and you’re getting all the credit and attention!” That, of course, isn’t really true. Even if he was not your friend, you probably would have gravitated to furry on your own; he just expedited the process. You have nothing to apologize for. He’s the one being the jerk. And he will be unsuccessful in his attempts to copy you because you and he have different personalities and skills. Therefore, what he should be doing is focusing on what he is skilled at, which sounds like his art, not fursuiting, public performance, or the more extroverted things you do. I would never advise you to dump a friend without trying to keep that friend first. What I would do if I were you is find ways to encourage and promote his art, not try to help him be more like you. Use your own popularity to promote your friend’s abilities. Be his PR guy, in effect. He is clearly too shy to promote himself, which is why only a small circle of friends knows about him. You can change that. Don’t even ask permission. When you post messages on furry sites, mention his work. Paste samples of his art into your discussions. Ask your friends to pass the word along. Word of mouth can be very effective. And give him encouraging feedback about his art whenever you can. If the two of you are stopped in a hallway because a furry recognizes you, thank them and then make sure to introduce your buddy, adding, “... and he’s a really great artist, too! You should check out his stuff at FurAffinity [or wherever he posts].” Combine this with a neutral attitude toward any of his efforts to imitate you. Don’t criticize him for trying to fursuit, but don’t encourage him, either. Instead, always try to draw his attention back to his gifts as an artist and how wonderful that is. Perhaps act a little as if you were the jealous one (“Gosh! I wish I could draw as well as you do! You’re so talented!”) With luck, your friend will find his own niche and his own success. This should stop him from trying to be like you and instead focus on being more like himself, which will stop the jealousy because he will have found his own success. Good luck! Papabear Hello, Papa Bear.
Sometimes I feel like I am the most hopeless gay guy in the world. I've lived through quite a lot of summers, and yet I feel very miserable because both my love and sexual lives have been almost non-existent. I would like a guy that could satisfy both the empty feelings in my heart, and the cravings in the other regions further below. And yet, I feel completely helpless and clueless trying to figure out how I could find myself some “friend with benefits,” much less a lover. I'm terribly shy, and can't function at all in most places where one most likely could find other gay people. I seriously doubt I could find love at a museum or a movie theater, but those are some of the few places I can go and not freak out before even putting a step in. And there is the matter of sex. The few times I've been with other guys, it has never resulted in anything even close to ecstasy; I eventually lose my erection while the other guy finishes in my butt. In fact, I have never even come one single time. It makes me wonder if orgasms are just a myth, and has resulted in me shunning sex and making my shyness even worse. To make it worse, sometimes when I am alone at home (which is most of my life, other than my time at work or doing errands) I feel like wanting to fuck a twink's ass as if the world were gonna end the next day. And yet if I were to cross paths with said twink, I know I would just shy away and not say a word to him. Sometimes I wonder if fate just simply decided that I am not destined to have a partner in this life, or even friends (I can count the ones I have with one hand, and still have fingers left over). Or could it be that it the problem is just in my head, and I need to see a shrink that can set me straight? (As in in the right path, not the orientation.) Sad reptile in the Mountains (Colorado, age 50) * * * Dear Sad, Thanks for reaching out. I hope I can help. There’s a lot going on in this one letter, so I will try and go through it step by step. First, there is the shyness issue. Interestingly, I just wrote about shyness for another writer, and you can find my reply here. Just overcoming your shyness should do a lot for your search for a partner. Secondly, although you don’t describe what you have done so far to look for a partner, have you tried dating sites? Are you searching for a furry partner or any partner, furry or mundane? There are furry dating sites just as there are mundane dating sites like Match.com (although you might want to try a gay dating site (gaydating.com). Furry dating sites include www.furrydate.com, www.meetfurries.com, www.furrymate.com, and www.pounced.com. But even if you find someone who is a match on one of those sites, your shyness could hamper you. A good way to overcome that is to meet at places where you are comfortable (you mention theaters and museums). You can increase your chances for finding a partner by getting involved with groups that share your interests. For example, you could become a volunteer docent at your local museum, or perhaps there is a local group of gay men who go on outings to movies and stage plays. Or, since you’re a furry, have you tried attending a furcon? Rocky Mountain Furcon could be one for you, or join the Colorado Springs Furry Alliance (see info here http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/co-consmeets.html). Participate in outside activities with groups of people who share your interests and you will dramatically increase your chances of finding someone. I know you’re terribly shy, but it’s easier to overcome such shyness when you know you’re among friends who like the same things you do. As for the sex—as I always say, if you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right. I can certainly tell you that orgasms are not a myth :-P My suspicion, from your letter, is that you aren’t just looking for sex, you’re looking for romantic lovemaking, and when some guy is topping you and you’re not feeling the love, you lose interest. It sounds really hot at first, but when reality knocks at your door, what really turns you on is a passionate merging of bodies inspired by love, not lust. That’s actually a good thing! It means that once you do find someone you’re going to have a very strong bond with them satisfying both your loins and your heart. Since you mention some of your sexual experiences, it is apparent that you have had some success finding people to get into bed with; you just haven’t found the right person. I’m sure there must be someone out there for you. There is for everyone Do not blame “fate” for your current loneliness. You have a lot of power and control over your own destination. You just have to take the bull by the horns and show him who’s boss. Take a look at my earlier letter about shyness, and hopefully that will help. And write again if this response didn’t help or missed the mark somehow. Good luck! Papabear |
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