Hello, Papa Bear.
Sometimes I feel like I am the most hopeless gay guy in the world. I've lived through quite a lot of summers, and yet I feel very miserable because both my love and sexual lives have been almost non-existent.
I would like a guy that could satisfy both the empty feelings in my heart, and the cravings in the other regions further below. And yet, I feel completely helpless and clueless trying to figure out how I could find myself some “friend with benefits,” much less a lover. I'm terribly shy, and can't function at all in most places where one most likely could find other gay people. I seriously doubt I could find love at a museum or a movie theater, but those are some of the few places I can go and not freak out before even putting a step in.
And there is the matter of sex. The few times I've been with other guys, it has never resulted in anything even close to ecstasy; I eventually lose my erection while the other guy finishes in my butt. In fact, I have never even come one single time. It makes me wonder if orgasms are just a myth, and has resulted in me shunning sex and making my shyness even worse.
To make it worse, sometimes when I am alone at home (which is most of my life, other than my time at work or doing errands) I feel like wanting to fuck a twink's ass as if the world were gonna end the next day. And yet if I were to cross paths with said twink, I know I would just shy away and not say a word to him.
Sometimes I wonder if fate just simply decided that I am not destined to have a partner in this life, or even friends (I can count the ones I have with one hand, and still have fingers left over). Or could it be that it the problem is just in my head, and I need to see a shrink that can set me straight? (As in in the right path, not the orientation.)
Sad reptile in the Mountains (Colorado, age 50)
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Thanks for reaching out. I hope I can help. There’s a lot going on in this one letter, so I will try and go through it step by step.
First, there is the shyness issue. Interestingly, I just wrote about shyness for another writer, and you can find my reply here. Just overcoming your shyness should do a lot for your search for a partner.
Secondly, although you don’t describe what you have done so far to look for a partner, have you tried dating sites? Are you searching for a furry partner or any partner, furry or mundane? There are furry dating sites just as there are mundane dating sites like Match.com (although you might want to try a gay dating site (gaydating.com). Furry dating sites include www.furrydate.com, www.meetfurries.com, www.furrymate.com, and www.pounced.com.
But even if you find someone who is a match on one of those sites, your shyness could hamper you. A good way to overcome that is to meet at places where you are comfortable (you mention theaters and museums). You can increase your chances for finding a partner by getting involved with groups that share your interests. For example, you could become a volunteer docent at your local museum, or perhaps there is a local group of gay men who go on outings to movies and stage plays. Or, since you’re a furry, have you tried attending a furcon? Rocky Mountain Furcon could be one for you, or join the Colorado Springs Furry Alliance (see info here http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/co-consmeets.html). Participate in outside activities with groups of people who share your interests and you will dramatically increase your chances of finding someone. I know you’re terribly shy, but it’s easier to overcome such shyness when you know you’re among friends who like the same things you do.
As for the sex—as I always say, if you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right. I can certainly tell you that orgasms are not a myth :-P My suspicion, from your letter, is that you aren’t just looking for sex, you’re looking for romantic lovemaking, and when some guy is topping you and you’re not feeling the love, you lose interest. It sounds really hot at first, but when reality knocks at your door, what really turns you on is a passionate merging of bodies inspired by love, not lust. That’s actually a good thing! It means that once you do find someone you’re going to have a very strong bond with them satisfying both your loins and your heart.
Since you mention some of your sexual experiences, it is apparent that you have had some success finding people to get into bed with; you just haven’t found the right person. I’m sure there must be someone out there for you. There is for everyone
Do not blame “fate” for your current loneliness. You have a lot of power and control over your own destination. You just have to take the bull by the horns and show him who’s boss. Take a look at my earlier letter about shyness, and hopefully that will help. And write again if this response didn’t help or missed the mark somehow.
Something I'd like to Papabear's good ideas add is this: you're not the most hopeless gay guy in the world. I know it goes against the stereotype (even held by some gays) that all gay men have a zillion partners. There are a lot of shy gays just like any other group, but for a gay person the headwinds we still face from society just make it harder to overcome. If you'd like to talk more feel free to drop me an email, critter-at-rdrop.com.
1/2/2014 12:46:56 am
Spot on, Critter. Maybe this column should be "The Papabear and Critter Show" :-) Yes, yes, we can change it to alphabetical order :-P
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