I'm not even exactly sure what my question is supposed to be.. I don't even know how to exactly depict the problems I'm experiencing.. It's all just one big mess..
I've only been what you would call a furry for about half a year. I've been watching, reading, and viewing everything there as to do with furries for way longer than that, but I could never really get myself to finally join the community for fear I'd just be rejected..
Even now, though, I hide behind a fursona name I created years back as one of my characters in a fanfic I've been writing. The fursona I created is a girl while my actual identity is a boy. I can't stress enough how much self-confidence I've lost to resort to something as squeamish as this.
I've been interested in furries since I was thirteen. You know, the average teenager stumbling onto the internet is usually looking for hardcore porn or Playboy magazines, while I on the other hand stumbled straight into furries. I don't know what it was about them, but I connected quickly and I haven't looked back since.
The reason I connected to furries I guess is because furries were something I found after finding the adult side of Pokémon and other cartoons. I don't know exactly why, but I think I wanted to continue my childhood even through my teenage years by viewing it in a more adult setting. In the end, it just made everything slightly worse, and I pay the price because of it.
To get down to the point, because I know you're extremely busy and when I'm depressed I type a lot, yes, I'm extremely depressed. I have been since the age of eleven. My childhood sucked, my alcoholic mother chasing me around the house on one of her drunken bipolar rampages with a knife, but that really wasn't what caused my depression. Two stepdad's later it finally hit.
When I was nine years old, my mom brought her second boyfriend into the house after only four years of her being separated from my dad. I guess I didn't care at the time; he had a twelve year old son I could get to know and hang out with. The problem was, he wanted to 'hang out' with me in a different setting.
A month into meeting him he started to sexually harass me and make advances. I had no idea what was going on and me being a little kid assumed it was some new game and followed along. I never told my parents or older sister because he told me not to, and looking back on it, I could have saved myself so much trouble if I had..
The summer of 2004, I was ten years old. He was continuously making advances on me, but I hated it at that point. I learned that it was 'sinful', as I called it back then. By now I've lost all religion, but back then I went to church all the time and learned about it. I finally told him to stop, and I thought it would be over..
That night he raped me. In the basement of my mother's own house, my sister's bedroom not even twenty feet away and my younger eight year old brother asleep right next to us. I woke up to find him on top of me and he told me not to scream or he would do the same thing to my younger brother..
Going back to religion, since everyone thinks you need to believe in something, what kind of god, if you will, would EVER put one of his believers in a situation like that? Fuck this free will bullshit, I was violated in my own god-forsaken house..
I told my mom the next week when I knew he wouldn't be there and my brother was out of trouble. My mom didn't believe me and told me to quit making up stories. She even made me apologize to him the next week for making these 'outlandish' accusations against him.. Needless to say this is the reason I'm suicidal and depressed..
Since then, it's been nine and a half years. I'm nineteen years old, still live with my dad, I've lost all respect for my mom, and my stepbrother is out of the picture since his dad died. Even now, I don't know why I can't put the past behind me. I still watch and play Pokémon and other childish games, something I should have given up years ago. I refuse to emotionally grow up, because the knowledge of losing everything I've held onto over the last nine years is heartbreaking. I've also only told really close friends about what I've been through, and most of them don't even acknowledge it or don't believe me whatsoever..
What should I do? I can't put the past behind me because I'm just not strong enough.. I'm openly crying in front of my keyboard right now.. I haven't told anyone else in my family, because when I tried to tell my brother, he assumed I was going to talk about depressing shit and shoved me away and wouldn't listen. My own brother, the one person I put EVERYTHING on the line for, won't listen to me when I needed him. I've gotten to the point where I don't see myself making it to the age of twenty with everything that's going on in my head right now..
I know there are other people out there who are worse off then I am. But you know what? This is the only place I really have left to be able to openly talk about everything. The internet has now become my only true friend, but even then, it's not enough to save me from the inevitable..
Sorry for wasting your time,
* * *
The good news is that the rapist is out of your life; the bad news is that the pain he inflicted is still very real and is still hurting you. Your mother’s denial of the situation when it was still happening is typical of families, unfortunately, who don’t want to deal with the situation and can’t believe that something that horrible could happen in their own home (it happened to my sister and mother, as well, both victims of my grandfather).
What you need to do at this point is find a little professional advice on the subject. Papabear wrote a similar column about rape last June (http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/06/furry-was-raped.html) and one of the organizations I suggested was the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network at www.rainn.org, which provides all sorts of useful information, as well as ways to get help. I strongly suggest you start there.
You need to talk to people about what you have been through, and since your family has pretty much let you down, Papabear is glad you found the fandom and that you reached out to me, as well. That you did so is a good indication that there is hope for you and you won’t spiral out of control. Keep reaching out and talking to people. If you have a Facebook account, there are a few support groups there, too, such as https://www.facebook.com/groups/14357067172/?fref=ts and others. (Just type “rape victim”) in the search box and they will come up in the search results. Some of these groups are closed and you have to ask to join.
A couple of other things regarding your letter.... It is quite logical that your fursona is a female not a male. Fursonas are often a means for people to deal with, or avoid, personal issues, and by picking a fursona of a different gender it helps distance you from what happened to you (as a boy) a while back. You wrote, “I can't stress enough how much self-confidence I've lost to resort to something as squeamish as this,” but actually you should understand it as a defense mechanism and nothing to be ashamed about. Probably, when you have learned to manage your pain a bit better, you will be more comfortable with a fursona of your own gender, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Some very well-adjusted furries adopt fursonas of the opposite sex just for fun. You don’t have to feel bad about that.
Likewise, your interest in “childish” things is a logical effort to recapture the childhood innocence that the rapist took from you. It is okay to do that, as well, as long as you recognize the difference between childlike and childish. Childlike is the innocent wonder and even awe of the world and delight in things that are fun; childish is acting selfishly, immaturely, and irresponsibly. Papabear bets you want to find that childlike aspect of yourself again, and do not really mean that you want to be childish. It’s okay to like Pokémon or My Little Pony or Christmas shows featuring Rudolf and Santa. One of the great things about furries is how they can be irrepressibly childlike. That is one of the things that attracted me to the fandom, too.
And as for religion, well, that is a difficult one, isn’t it? Many victims of crimes such as rape, parental abuse, assault, or the death of a loved one question the existence of God. They become angry, too, wondering how the concept of a “loving God” can be true if He lets such horrible things happen. I’ve written on this subject, too, for my column, so to save space, please click on http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/08/what-to-do-with-evil-in-the-world.html.
Now that you are 19, the good news is you are entering into adulthood, where you can take control of your own life instead of being under the thumb of other adults who, in your case, did an awful job of protecting you. You have your entire life ahead of you, and it can still be a great life. Take charge of it, lick your wounds, and move forward as best you can. I hope you make many furiends who can help you along the way.
This has NOT been a waste of my time, so do not fret.
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