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Young Mormon Worries Whether She Might Be Transgender

8/27/2014

7 Comments

 
Is my mind telling me I'm transgender?

For the past 2 weeks I have been having serious thoughts on whether or not I'm a male in a female body. I haven't told anyone about my feelings yet, but I plan on telling my therapist next month. He's very open minded.

For one, I'm not like most girls at all: I hate wearing dresses/skirts, but I do wear them when I have to. I dislike how my body looks and feels to me. I'm not nearly as attractive as other women my age either. I wear men size clothes and my voice is oddly similar to my brother's before he hit puberty.


My family is LDS [Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—Mormons], so just questioning my gender makes me more of freak in their eyes. I don't know if I would be more happy living as a man, making those changes and such. I'm completely lost and scared.

Shinopa (age 21)

* * *

Dear Shinopa,

First of all, we need to understand the terminology here. Being transgender has to do with how you mentally identify with your gender, while being transexual has to do with how you physically identify with your gender. While you can be both, you don’t have to be. Some people desire to change their bodies physically, while still being happy mentally with a gender that doesn’t match their anatomy. Other people don’t want to change their appearance and physical attributes, but wish to be treated like and live like the other gender.

Before you conclude that you are transgender or transexual, let’s take another look. You say you don’t like wearing dresses and feminine clothing. Well, nothing wrong with a woman wearing jeans and even suits. It’s actually easier for women to do that than for men to wear dresses. Speaking of which, a man who likes to dress as a woman but wishes neither to be transgender or transexual is simply a cross dresser. Then, you also have the “metrosexual” crowd, which is men who are not gay or bi or trans but simply like things like hair products and dressing in—how would one say?—less than masculine clothing. If men can be like that, then certainly women can be, too.

Now, about your appearance. So, you’re not conventionally pretty, so what? So your voice might be a little lower than other women’s. Big deal. That in itself certainly does not mean you are trans in any way.

You might be leaving out some essential details in your letter, but from just what you say here I would hesitate to say that you have either transexual or transgender tendencies. I mean, do you feel in any way that you are a man trapped in a woman’s body? Do you feel severely uncomfortable with your sex organs, breasts, etc.? In short, do you have genital dysphoria or gender dysphoria—meaning you simply cannot tolerate having women parts or that you simply cannot tolerate identifying as female emotionally and mentally?

These are things you can certainly discuss with your therapist (and all good therapists should be open-minded, indeed). Before you go telling your parents about this—and definitely before you even consider the possibility of sex reassignment surgery—you need to be 100% sure of where you are going with this and who you are. 

Being transexual or transgender is about more than the clothes you prefer or whether or not you like the way you look or prefer football over ice skating. Remember, Society tries very hard to tell us what is right and wrong behavior for a male or female. Don’t listen to that crap. You have to learn to be you, and it’s okay if being you means exhibiting what some might consider masculine traits. You can be a tomboy if you like and still enjoy other aspects of being a woman.

The main point I’m trying to make is this: don’t freak out and don’t make any rash decisions, and certainly don’t tell your family about this until you are more sure about where you stand. I think it’s great you’re talking to a professional about this. They can help you sort out your emotions. Right now, you are very unsure of the whole thing and my very strong suspicion at the moment is that it is Society that is getting you confused more than your confusion about your gender or sexual identity.

I hope that helps some! Good luck with your therapist!

Papabear
7 Comments
Rin
10/2/2014 01:08:56 am

Thought this answer was pretty good, but just wanted to bring up a few points.

While transsexual is still a term that's used, it's mostly fallen out of favor due to its misuse and use as a slur. It's not really about a physical "identity", but more about a physical state. Traditionally, it has been used to refer to someone who has undergone major surgery to change the appearance of their body or genitals. I think what you're meaning to talk about here is someone's gender expression, which is the way one presents themselves (including their way of dress, speech, and physical alterations).

Moving on, you say that the writer's preference for male clothing is not relevant to their gender identity. While this certainly can be true, it is often the opposite. One may feel uncomfortable in clothes of their assigned gender because of the way it causes others to perceive them. I don't think it's fair to dismiss that.

I'm a bit confused as to why you bring up crossdressing and metrosexualism as I don't think it really has anything to do with the writer's plight. As you mentioned, crossdressing has nothing to do with gender. Metrosexualism (if that's the right word) also really has nothing to do with it, and is a bit of a complex term. Dysphoria is also not necessary to be trans. Many (if not most) trans people experience it, but many also do not.

I find it really problematic to tell someone experiencing gender confusion that their confusion is simply because of societal pressures. While that could certainly be true in some cases, I very highly doubt it is true here. One does not start believing that they're trans because they like things that are different from what is expected of them. Saying this only causes trans people who are beginning to explore their gender to close up and repress it, rather than be true to their feelings.

Finally, just a note on your terminology. Trans people do not always stick to the gender binary of male or female. There are many, many trans people (like myself) that identify as both male and female, neither male or female, or no gender at all. It is best not to refer to male or female as the "other" sex, as it is erasure of those who are neither.

Now, onto advice for the writer.

While I think it is good to come out to your therapist about your feelings, remember that not every therapist is accepting. It sounds as though you are quite young, and there's little guarantee that your therapist won't let your family know about this if you're still a minor. If you feel your family knowing would cause you harm, it might be best to wait on that.

Second, know that it's totally okay to be unsure about your gender! It is fine to experiment in what ways you can. While you might be unable to try out a new name or set of pronouns in real life, trying so online may help you get a feel for what is right. Read up on the experiences of other trans people. Read about their processes of discovery, their feelings, and their coming out stories. Do these remind you of your own feelings?

Know that gender is not binary. You don't have to identify as just a boy or just a girl. If you feel more comfortable as both, neither, or something else entirely, that's okay too!

Finally, gather your resources. If you come to the decision that you are trans, know what steps you can take to feel more comfortable. If you wish to start altering your appearance, read up on the best way to safely do so, such as the proper way to bind. If you feel as though you do want to transition, learn about the different steps you can take to reach your goals. Read up on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), as this is something common to trans men and other trans masculine people. It will likely take a long time before you are able to have top or bottom surgery if you wish, but it wouldn't hurt to read up on those too. Transition, whether it be medical, social, and/or legal, is different for everyone, and often has to do with the laws where you live and your own feelings.

Once you are more confident in your identity, you can make the choice of whether or not to come out to your family. If you fear for your safety or happiness, it may be best to stay in the closet or wait until you are living on your own (if you are not already). Have resources available to you if you fear you will be kicked out (like an emergency fund and/or a place to stay if needed).

Hope that helped!

-Rin

Reply
Papabear
10/2/2014 01:48:46 am

Wow! What a terrific comment, thank you so much for your input, Rin. I did the best I could here, but I must admit that this is an area I'm not an expert in by any means. I am forwarding your comments to Shinopa in case she doesn't see them here. I don't know if you will see my reply, but if you do, please contact me at zoobear863 at yahoo. I would like to discuss something with you. Again, thank you so much for your comments!!!

Reply
Shinopa
10/2/2014 02:14:22 am

Thank you for your input, Rin. As a matter of fact, I'm well over the age of a minor. haha I may come across as young, only because this topic is new to me and I'm new to the feelings. I'm still interested in how these work for myself; I have had a male fursona for quite some time now and I really want to build up on that. Whether the physical change is right for me at this point, is a no. But maybe eventually I will decide to do so.

Reply
Rin
10/2/2014 02:54:55 am

Ah, I apologize for assuming you were younger, I'm terrible at guessing things like that.

I do hope you continue to explore and learn so that you can eventually find an identity that suits how you feel! Good luck.

Reply
MILLER MOORE
10/6/2014 11:50:48 am

OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF JUNE 2014, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called DR Ohehe on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until DR Ohehe did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you DR Ohehe you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his website: Email:(ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com) Mrs Miller Moore from England City

Reply
Bella tina
10/6/2014 11:53:10 am

I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I cam across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man called DR Osimen, who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help. osimenspelltemple@gmail.com

Reply
JOEL CANDRA
10/6/2014 11:54:42 am

My name is Cynthia and my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him..... he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr OHEHE spell caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email:ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com

Reply



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