Papa Bear. I need some help...
Ok... Let’s start at the beginning... It would seem most logical... It's about a girl. At about January 22 I met a coyote. It was her birthday and I congratulated her. We exchanged a few PM's on the local furry forum, then moved on to Whatsapp. We chatted for 2 months when I realized: I wanted to be more than friends.
Me being a shy guy, I did what any religious guy would do: I asked God, that if it was His will, that I find the courage to ask her out. A few days passed, and on the 27th of April, I finally mustered the courage to ask her out. Although we were opposites in many ways, we had so much in common when it came to personalities. I really fell head over heals for this one. I believed that she was the one...
And herein lies my first question: Is it naive for an 18-year-old guy [to believe he] can find true love?
In the five weeks we spent together, I loved her more and more each day, although we never met, but unknown to me, she felt the opposite... And on Saturday, the first of June, exactly five weeks from the fateful day I asked her out, she decided to leave me... I cried... I sat on top of the roof, and I cried like I didn't since I was a baby.
And as pathetic as it may be, five weeks is the longest relationship I have ever been in...
My love life has consisted of me falling in love, then getting my heart broken by the girl I gave it to. And on the local furry forum I'm a member at, a guy gave me this advice: "Alpha up man! No woman loves a man who devoted his all to her."
Question 2: Is he right? Or maybe am I asking the wrong guy?
I don't know if I can do this again, fall in love, let my heart be danced upon, leave me in the ashes...
Then a while ago, she said she would like to try again, but first we should meet... I arranged a date, and hell, was I nervous... Haha! But then, she said that it'd be better if we'd just stay friends.
That hurt... You can't go around, telling someone that you want to try again, then dump them before it starts... Can you?
I haven't been myself lately... I'm cranky all the time. I swear... I never swear! And I'm over her... But... I just feel so confused...
Question 3: Should I be sad that she left? Should I be angry that she broke my heart..?
Now... If this was a one time thing... I'd survive... But this happens to me all the time, not once did a relationship before Ms. Coyote last more than two weeks... And not once did I pull the.plug; I was always at the receiving end when it came to dumping...
And then the twist in my story.
Since I'm single, my one friend who I've known (and, honestly, liked) for a very long time is acting all weird. She keeps telling me about what she wants in a guy, and every time it seems like she's trying to point at me...
My fourth question: Is this just my mind, trying to find comfort in something that isn't there?
I am not looking for something that will not last, a weekend fling so to speak. But every relationship I have had ended in a few weeks or less... And having every relationship end in disaster... It kind of leaves scars, scars that don't heal... And every time I like a girl, I cant help but have the feeling that it will not last... That I'll get hurt again... And this girl who I spoke about before... I'd like to ask her out... But she said no before...
Last Question: How will I overcome this... Fear of rejection?
Thanks for listening.
Also, I read just now "please limit yourself to one question per form" um... I asked 4 but they are all related... if I'm breaking the rules... i'd send them separately... I typed it out then posted it here... so sorry about that...
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As you noted, I ask my readers to please only ask one question per letter. However, since they are all rather related, I will try and treat them as one question and give you a pass on this one.
Let me start by repeating a saying with which you might be familiar: “All’s fair in love and war.” So, when you ask questions like “Can she do this or that?” Well, yeah, she can. There’s no rule book, hon.
And your friend who said, "Alpha up man! No woman loves a man who devoted his all to her." Yeah, he’s a moron. Most women I know prefer a faithful, devoted boyfriend or husband. I have no idea where your friend managed to come to the opposite conclusion.
Now let’s tackle the rest of the letter, in general. I see this kind of problem a lot with younger people, especially teenagers. Every love is “the love of my life,” and every break-up is “the end of my life! I’m devastated!” At your age, relationships tend to get over-romanticized, and problems tend to become highly exaggerated in importance. I know, I was like that myself at your age. A few years and more experience will help you gain some perspective and allow you to lend “problems” their realistic weight on the scale of life. But you probably don’t want to wait that long, so allow me to loan you some of my years.
There is no such thing as “only one woman” for you. If that were true, it would be awfully damn hard for people to get together and get married, especially since there are 7 billion people on the planet. What if the “one woman for me” lives in a small village with no phone service in Cambodia? The truth is that there are many potential mates out there for you. None of them is a “perfect match” (again, abandon ideas of that because nobody is perfect), but there are likely quite a few who come close. You’ll probably find someone like that eventually, and when you do, remember to accept them for who they are and don’t try to change their personality.
Reading your letter, Papabear gets the sense that you are a highly emotional fur, someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. You long to give a woman your heart. Because of this, you aren’t being very careful in who you go after. You said yourself that that one girlfriend you were with for five weeks was very different from you in a lot of ways. I suspect you are pouncing on them too readily, and in your robust ardour you are scaring potential girlfriends away. You see, while girls do like to have a true and devoted boyfriend, your intensity might be overwhelming and scaring them off.
And you are doing it again with this latest potential love interest. Every time you think you are getting the slightest hint of interest from a girl, you jump to: “This could be the one! The love of my life!” Am I right? So, then you create a lot of pressure on yourself, and the girl as well, that this has to be pursued as if the woman could eventually be the mother of your children. And, when it doesn’t work out, you’re crushed.
In short, you need to try to take a lesson from us bears and be more laid back, more easy-going. You need to put things in perspective and realize that, while it IS possible to find a forever-love at your age, it is unlikely. What is more likely is that you will meet and date several people before you find that really special someone who will become a huge part of your life.
Take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy life and your youth, because you only get to go on this ride once. Be open to meeting new people without the expectation that they will become love interests. Instead, get to know them as friends first. Perhaps go out on a date, but do so with no expectations of anything more than having a fun time at the moment. This doesn’t mean you are a shallow person who is trying to date a lot of women. No, not at all. What you are doing is allowing yourself to be open to possibilities without the pressure of having an all-or-nothing game or roulette.
Don’t be so hard on yourself or on the girl if going on a date doesn’t result in marriage or even a steady romance that lasts more than a few weeks. You will be able to be more yourself that way, and that will actually increase your chances of attracting a woman, getting to know the other person better, and maybe then moving on to the next level.
In short, don’t go Alpha Wolf, as your clueless friend suggested, go Bear :-3
And good luck!
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