Why Would He Want a Selfish, Untrusting Partner?

Hi, 

I think I messaged you a while back and I could really do with hearing some advice from another person regarding relationships. It's starting to eat at me a bit and I want to know what I should do because I feel conflicted about the matter.

You see, I got into a relationship some time back, however after a while, we broke things off because of our life matters. Recently, we got back again together but as you know, people change. Some of it was jarring to me but weren’t to him. Like before, he would not cuss or apologize if he did so because I told him I’m not comfortable with strong language so casually used. But now he still uses it and tells me that he's free to and I shouldn’t be bothered about it because technically nothings wrong with it. (its not at me, just generally saying stuff at games)

Now, I aim to please and that’s my nature. We like to RP with each other because of the detail we put into our fantasy posts. I found out that he likes to do non-con [non-consensual sex] now and then. Now that’s new to me because I’m somewhat vanilla and a romantic and haven’t been exposed to that stuff. So I decide on a private venture to go on an online RP site to see channels of it. However, during this period of checking this, we had an argument about the lack of interest he had to me (He was feeling an all time low in sex drive, which I found was because he craved non con RP). In the result, I acted out rather rashly and spiced up my RP profile as if I wanted others attention. It was in vain because soon after he discovered my profile and felt I was cheating on him.

I tried to explain the profile was to learn non con for him (and only days ago we tried it and managed okay). he said he was hurt that I went online to a RP site behind his back and spruced up my profile despite being in a relationship. I told him I wasn’t seeking RP with others but for him. he didn’t believe me and demanded I show my profile page to him so he can scour it for proof. When there wasn’t anything, he believed I wiped it all and was upset. This was followed by 3 months of him giving signs he didn’t trust me and the issue ate at him despite him saying he forgave me. When I brought up the matter, he admitted that he did forgive me at the time but he didn’t believe it.

Needless to say, he soon broke up with me because of my attitude to justify myself that fix the problem he had. He's said that if I want to get back with him, I have to win him over, show I care and give him love and patience still. This is my conflict. Do I pull myself together and do it despite all the hardship of being accused like so? Was I really wrong in trying to go on a site to please him. How else can I do it if not secretly to surprise him?

Do I move on and let go or try to make amends? I do enjoy the RP we had and the relationship, its hard to let it go ... but then again, I don’t want to get back into arguments like that and the brashness of it all either. What do I do? Part of me just wants to give up on this and get back to being single and searching but another part is going to miss the RP and time spent. How does one let go of someone you had been attached to for a while? I try to care for him but I know after all these fights, he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore s:

The Distant Fox

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Dear Distant,

Reading your letter, I could see a pattern: your former BF refused to do anything about his cursing, even though he knew it upset you; he lost interest in you sexually because you would not do the non-consensual thing with him at first; and then when you tried to do something about this, he didn’t trust your word had a hissy fit and left. Then it is your job to go crawling back to him if you want to put the relationship back together? No apology from him for not trusting you? I'm going to adopt my Lateisha persona now and say, "Excuse me, honey? I don't think so! Uh-uhhhh!"

To me, this demonstrates very selfish behavior on his part, an unwillingness to compromise or do anything for you. (Which begs the question, what were you getting out of this relationship, eh?) It was all about him and his needs. You, on the other hand, put up with his cursing even though it offended you, consented to role play that you found disturbing, and conducted extensive research to find out how to please him and surprise him with your very personal gift to him.

I know that you will miss this guy and had formed an attachment to him, but in this bear’s opinion you deserve better. You deserve someone who is more thoughtful, considerate, trusting, and loving toward you.

Move on, fox, move on. You’ll be better off.

Hugs,

Papabear