While Struggling with Mate and Family, Don't Forget the Child

Dear Papa Bear,

My mate and I have a very taboo relationship, we also have had some very hard times and it is not getting any easer. We are both Wiccan, in a three-way relationship with no third partner. We have chosen to have her as the bread winner and me as the homemaker. We also have a pup that my mate’s closed-minded mom will hardly let us see. She has set up some demands for us to get her back, but one of them is near impossible for me to do because of my mental and physical condition.

I know I love her and I know she loves me, the hard part is that we are at each others’ throats ninety percent of the time. Some of it I know why, but a lot of it I don't get. She can be very childish at times and I can be very overbearing and controlling at times, but we both strive to make each other happy, but it seems to be going nowhere.

At time she seems to be unattracted to me, which I get; she was a lesbian before we meet. The relationship has its ups and downs but the downs are seeming to get longer.

Papa bear, what should I do: leave or stay and appease her mother?

Glaser

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Hi, Glaser,

Indeed, a complicated relationship. Let me see if I can get this straight: you are a threesome of two? That’s certainly different. You have a baby together, yet she is a lesbian. Her mother somehow has custody of the child and won’t let you have the cub until you meet some conditions you don’t feel you can meet because you have some physical and mental issues. You and your mate are in love but most of your time is spent fighting.

I think I can see why her mother would not see this as a suitable and stable home for your child, and will assume that a judge has given her custody because of this. If that is not the case and custody has not been legally awarded to her, there is nothing stopping you from getting your child back other than you (and your possibly being intimidated by her mother, and your mate letting you be intimidated). You don’t explain the case there, so I cannot determine who is in the right. Is she trying to keep the child from you because of your disabilities, or is it because you are a Wiccan and have an unconventional relationship and your mate’s mother doesn’t agree with your lifestyle?

What you should do is try and think what is best for your child. You should try and be the best parent you possibly can for the child. Whether that means going to work, or simply being at home and nurturing your progeny and giving the kid a loving, happy home so that he or she can develop normally, then that’s what you should do. If you need help with this because of your “mental and physical condition,” then you should explore government assistance programs that may help you with those needs and to establish a more stable home life for the child.

You should do all you can to not fight with your mate, and you should especially not fight in front of your child. If this becomes impossible, you and your mate will need to live separately, but with the agreement that you stay in your child’s life as much as possible. That is, shared custody.

By doing these things, you are not striving to “appease” the mother; you are getting your priorities straight, which should be 1) child first, 2) you and mate second, 3) mother and other family third. From what you have been saying, the relationship is not working out, which can happen even when both parties supposedly love each other. Papabear can’t help you here since you do not adequately explain what you are fighting about, but I can tell you what’s important. I hope you can work things out, but you must put the well being of your cub first.

Good luck,

Papabear