When You Go from Online Friends to Moving in Together, You Skip an Important Step: Dating

Hey Papabear,

It's been too long ^^ I hope you are well ^^ A quick update; things are getting better with my mother (stated in my previous letter) so thank you ^^

Now a lot has happened since my past letter and I was hoping you could help me once again ^^; so um the biggest thing that has happened is that I am now in a LDR with my mate (a shark and a wolf, Who'd a Thought, right? ^^ ) It's been going good since Oct. 12 of this year. Especially since I live in the USA and he in Singapore, so right now I suspect that we are still in the “cupcake” phase where everything is sweet and a lot of "I love yous” (nothing wrong with that ^^). However, I want to make this work, like move in together, possibly a family (I don’t know), but what is bothering me is that I'm not sure if I can make this work. I'm freaking out on the inside because I'm worried that if this is lust and not love, how to tell my parents, if this won't last or just if I'm going to screw up.
He’s told his mother about me; I'm trying to find the right time to tell my parents. We agreed that we want this relationship to be something real and not just about sex; we've been honest with each other about everything; we talk on Skype on a daily basis and yet I'm so worried I'm going to screw it all up.

Again, I know it's early to tell, but I'm just worried, Papabear. I want to make him happy, I want to have a happy life with him, and he does too. He's gotten me to calm down when I bring some of these worries to him and reassured me that he will still love me.

Am I just over worrying over nothing Papabear? :( 

Thank you for listening once again. Hope you are well,

Conri “Over worrying” Neon (age 17)

* * *

Dear Conri,

Glad things are going well with your mom, and, yes, I'm fine, thanks for asking :3

As to your letter, if you are familiar with my column, you already know Papabear’s stance on the problems with long-distance relationships. You are experiencing one of the problems with it right now. You are rightfully freaking out about taking this to the next level because you have not experienced an actual relationship yet. Therefore, there are so many unknowns that you are naturally nervous.

For example, how can this relationship possibly be about sex when the two of you live thousands of miles apart? Unless one of you has an amazing penis, you have not had sex because, no, “online sex” is not sex. 

I can see this is going to be an ongoing battle for Papabear, convincing this young generation that is so tied to the Internet that the difference between an online, virtual relationship and a real-life relationship is like the difference between playing “Grand Theft Auto” and actually being a car-stealing, killing-machine criminal in real life. In the former, when things don’t go well and someone kills you, you just restart the game; in the latter, you’re dead.

The virtual world is safe, sanitary, clean. And, if you get into a problem with someone, you can block that person and easily cut them out of your life. Compare that to, say, a wife or husband with whom you have had children, built a home, hugged and cried together and then it ends in a divorce. The emotional devastation is huge compared to breaking it off with someone you have never seen, except on a screen, and who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away.

I will say this three times so that, like saying Beetlejuice, perhaps it will sink in:

Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships.

Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships.

Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships.

Confusing the two leads you to the mistake you are about to make because you believe that you are having a real relationship and that, therefore, you can take it to the next level of moving in together and becoming mates or even legal spouses.

You should not make this leap (especially at age 17) before you have experienced some real-world time together. Therefore, instead of pushing yourself to move in with him, you need to take some time to spend some quality time with him. In the olden days when Papabear was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth, we used to call this “dating.” I know, it’s quaint and old-fashioned, but a lot of you youngsters should really try it sometime.

I know, he’s in Singapore, and that makes it difficult (should I caution you on the fact that there are many young people in places like Asia and Africa looking to find Americans who will help them move to the United States, or is that too preachy?) But if you are really serious about this you will take the time to travel there, get a hotel room (do NOT move in with him) and just visit him and get to know him.

Don’t go from chatting and Skyping online to moving in together. You are skipping the very important, indeed vital, stage of dating. It is when you date that you discover whether or not the two of you are compatible. If you are not, then you either become friends or go your separate ways, thus escaping a huge mistake that is both an epic financial and an emotional investment. But if you are compatible, your fears and anxieties will be lifted and you will not need to write a furry advice columnist for help because you will know the other person is right for you.

Hope this helps. Good luck,

Papabear