[Please, once you post this, I want you to tell your readers to please respect my religious views and to not say anything offensive about it... I am tired of people not respecting that I am a very devout Christian. Also, keep me anonymous. <3 Thank you. All names have been changed to further protect identities.]
I dunno if you remember me, but I wrote to you privately a couple of years ago for a situation I had with my boyfriend, who I will call Lion. He was playing with me and another girl who I thiiink I called Vixen, but I´m not sure. Then, I went on telling you how he played with both but he slowly realized his wrong doings and changed, left Vixen, and stayed with me, and we became official on December 10th. We are currently saving up to get married, but the thing is that things have turned upside down in the recent months, and I really need some advice.
So. Right after my last letter, things went normally. He kept getting closer to me and for a moment I really thought he had changed. He began to tell me these beautiful things, that he really wanted to get married with me, to have children with me, and to live with me until we were old and death made us part. He was really making me excited and beyond happy, because I thought that he had finally changed for the better. I fell more and more in love with him, believing every lie he told me. I blindly believed in everything that came out of his mouth. I recognize that you may not believe in God like many of the furs that will read this letter, but I have to include Him in this letter because He plays a big part in the situation.
There was something that kept telling me in my heart that I should not trust him completely. There was something off about all of this, and just when I thought that maybe it was me, Lion began to talk with a girl, whom I will call Foxy. Supposedly, Lion and Foxy were friends 10 years ago, and they recently found each other again because he works where she lives. They began talking first randomly, then consistently, and I started to grow more and more uncomfortable as time passed by. And I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding on my chest because something told me to be careful about their "way too friendly" relationship. Something began to bug me to much, and every time I asked him, he got annoyed. I began to suspect again about his behavior, and every time I tried to know what was going on, ask him or anything, he denied everything, told me that I was being jealous and that there was no reason for me to be so. They were friends after all.
After some time, I began to notice that the frequency of which he spoke to her began to only increase. Sometimes he went out of the house just to talk with her and if I went to him to find out what he was doing he got mad with me, telling me I was eavesdropping and that I was acting childish. However, I kept quiet, waiting to see if I was only having some nightmares all over again.
So, here's how God enters the picture. There is this man, in his middle to late sixties, that began to go to my church. He came out of nowhere, and just sat down there, visiting, listening. We noticed that he was very nice, but he was too eerily observant. We began to form a bond with him, and to talk with him often, making him known that he was welcome in our church. So, one night, Lion and I were cuddling, when suddenly my mother comes out crying with her phone on her ear, and I immediately stood up. She told me that this man had felt God move him into paying for a great majority of my wedding stuff, like the dress, veil, cake, center, tables, chairs, etc. Turns out he was a millionaire that goes from church to church to bless those that he feels that God wants to bless monetarily. We are right now facing a really bad economical crisis, so when the news came, I was moved to tears. I was so excited and happy, and I couldn´t believe what was happening. It was too good to be true.
But... instead of him being happy, he was shocked. He seemed more shocked than happy. I was like, "are you happy?" and he barely could speak. He was like, shocked, then worried, then shocked again. I ignored it, because he may have been worried or shocked for any reason, but I shrugged it off.
Time passed, and he began to grow a little bit cold. He didn't kiss me like before, he didn't treat me like he did, and he began to get more and more distant. And now, here's the touchy subject of the letter. One day, he left his phone on my car, and before he noticed, I grabbed the opportunity to check his phone, because I was really beginning to suspect something with this Foxy girl. I began to check his messages, and to my unpleasant surprise, I found out that he is sexting with Foxy, telling her things that I shall not repeat. I was heartbroken, yet I didn´t say anything. I returned him his phone and left.
One day, he had a car accident, and began having a big pressure in his job. He was without his car for one month, and it was in this very moment that he made a drastic change. He never came home, he barely went out with me and when he did he seemed very distant and cold, he sometimes didn't call me all day, and when I called him he always seemed busy... He began to get into a depression, and at first I thought it was because of all of this. But then, when he got his car back and things in his job were better, he kept being "depressed." I asked him countless of times what was wrong, what did I do wrong, and he said nothing. He stopped going to church that sudden, and he began to grow much colder day by day. Then, one day, I began to cry, and told him to tell me what was going on. He told me that he didn't feel the same in the relationship and that he was beginning to doubt his feelings. I was so crushed. He said that he didn't leave me "because it wasn't fair for you, for your parents and for the kind man that is paying for our wedding," but not because he loves me. So, I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he wanted to work things out.
I kept seeing him more and more distant, and I could literally feel a very uncomfortable energy that oozed out of him in the scattered days we were together. It is like a very strong heat that I can feel coming out of his body and it drains me and it makes me feel weak. I saw him worse and worse, until this Sunday, November 8th, I couldn't stand it anymore. He came to church, and he was very quiet, very distant and very cold. My mom, dad, him and me went to eat after church, and he was quiet, not speaking a word. His mind was not there with us at all. He was quiet, and he was not interacting with me at all. We went home, and I told him I was tired. I demanded explanations. What was wrong? What happened? And he told me the same thing. I told him I didn't believe that was the only thing, because his car was fixed and that his job was back to normal, so there was no reason to feel this way. After an hour of interrogating him, he told me that he didn't love me anymore.
In that exact moment he told me that, I felt a wave of peace enter my body. I cannot say anything else but that it is of supernatural origin because I could not be standing right now if it wasn't for this odd peace. I would be destroyed, shattered to pieces, but I'm not. I feel strong and peaceful. Anyway, he began to cry, he hugged me, and he then told me everything else he had to say. But I know there is something he isn't telling me, because you can't suddenly stop loving someone you've been with for four years. There must be another reason. I asked him if he wanted to stop the relationship, but he said no, so right now, we're almost mentally separated but the relationship's still there.
I thought that he wanted to work things out, but apparently, this was all part of a plan.
So, I logged in to his Facebook this morning [November 10th, on our 11th monthaversary] and I found a message in which it said, "But I'll love you forever baby," to Foxy. Apparently, this Foxy girl was forcing him to leave me so that they could be together. All this was planned, and because he couldn't get away with it, now she doesn't talk to him that much, he wants to get back with me. Keep in mind that this Foxy girl is really problematic, has a kid, and has a very obsessive and abusive on-again-off-again boyfriend that is the father of the child, and she still has feelings for him. My boyfriend is like her lover, so to speak. How wonderful is that?
The thing is I'm tired. I'm really tired, y'know? I think I have denigrated myself as a woman thousands of times, asking for love when love is not asked for but given. I am tired, and this situation has only made me stronger. And did God go wrong? No, actually. I actually believe God allowed all of this so that his true colors would come out, freeing me from committing my entire life to a complete lady's man, ending in my total unhappiness [I am extremely loyal and I expect the same from my partner.] and possible sickness because I know that he is having sex with Foxy and like two or three more girls. I know that maybe God allowed all of this so I would open my eyes and see that he wasn't the one for me. However, we are still together. I want to leave him, but knowing him, I don't want him to tell people that I left him because I was a crazy, frenetic jealous madwoman, but I want him to not have any excuse to give, because he has no excuse for his behavior. I have never loved anyone as much as him, and all I get in return is this betrayal. And it hurts, Papa Bear. But there is a strong sense of peace that I cannot explain. It is like something, or more accurately, God does not want me to fall down and cry over him because he is not worth it. He is an hypocrite, a pathological liar, and he does not deserve my love. at. all.
However, I dunno what to do, really. I don't know what to say or think. But from my point of view, the relationship is over. I am giving myself importance, growing my self esteem, and playing hard-to-get, because I'm tired. He even forgot that today was our monthaversary. Now it looks like he is changing his mind, and he is constantly calling me, asking me what I'm doing or how am I, because he sees a change in me. I'm always doing the same mistakes of begging for love and it really tires me like you have no idea. I deserve much better than this, don't you think, Papa Bear? I deserve so much better than this. I've been good to him. I've given him food and water, kept him warm in the cold, and helped him financially too, and I have helped him in the good and in the bad. In sickness and in health. And I have seen everything he does and I have forgiven him countless times only to see him return to his previous behavior. I am sick, tired and I want to live my life, with or without him. So, what should I do, Papa Bear? Am I taking the right decisions? Or what should I really do?
Anonymous (age 20)
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First, a note: Papabear would never mock or condemn someone’s religious beliefs (one God, many paths), and if a visitor to this website posted a negative comment about your Christian beliefs, I would quickly remove it from the site (I monitor all comments pretty much daily).
I am very sorry to hear of this development in your relationship with Lion. Your last letter to me was so hopeful and now we take this downturn. I grieve for you.
There are two kinds of people who write to my column, I have noticed: the first kind are people who are genuinely confused and need a little help being pointed in the right direction; the second kind are people like you who actually know what to do but don’t trust their own judgment, so they are looking for a little validation to feel better about their decisions.
While I believe in giving people second chances (and it seemed in your ealier letter that Lion had turned over a new leaf), there is validity in the expression “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
I would not be surprised if the man in your church who gave you the money was sent by God, not so much as to give you a nice start to your marriage but, rather, to poke the Lion and show him for his true colors, which is what happened. When Lion found out about the generous gift, he freaked out. He is the kind of person who takes advantage of others. He fools around with Foxy and other ladies because they give him sex; he swears “loyalty” to you and professes that he wants to be with you because he sees you as a safe haven, someone who supports him emotionally and, apparently, financially. In short, he is a sweet-talking user.
Honey, you and I already know you deserve better. This guy has manipulated you for years. The fact that you have stayed with him demonstrates an unhealthy codependence on your part. Perhaps you fear you will not find love again? Well, you haven’t found it in the first place, because Lion is not a genuine soul and he is not someone you should waste any more of your young life with.
You have given him your heart and he has crushed it twice. Don’t give him a third chance.
Do you really need me to validate what you already know? If so, you have Papabear’s blessings to shove this guy out the door and let that door smack him on the behind on his way out. I am hopeful that in this time you have learned some self-respect. You deserve someone whose heart matches yours. I am truly sorry Lion has turned out this way. Lion, actually, is an apt animal for him (look up sexual behaviors of African lions online and you’ll see why).
What do you do? Tell him you are tired of being used. Tell him you are tired of his lies. Tell him that in this game, it is two strikes and you’re out, not three. Dump the bum! Please!
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