What Is Family?

Hey papa bear. (Yay a fellow bear to talk to. ^^)

Well anyways, over the years I've gradually lost my real family. No, not by death, but support n trust-wise. 

Ever since they found out I was gay, they tried everything they could to tear me n my mate apart from each other. I did all I could to put u with the pressure n stress but after the incident where my dad nearly beat up my mate physically, it sent me over the edge n made me basically cut ties with them for good, believing in the fact that they will NEVER accept my mate as the person I want to be with. I now live with my mate n rarely talk to my family at all.

With that laid out, I now looked to the fandom to basically find ppl who would basically replace that empty spot titled "family". I thought it was possible, but all the friends that I put my heart-felt trust turned out to be selfish ppl that would do what's best for themselves only. 

Now, I really don't know what to do. Do I try to regain my original family back? Or do I leave that spot empty for the rest of my life? I guess I could try, but either option is hard and will take it's toll on me. 

Toklomon

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Dear Toklomon,

There are two kinds of families: those who are related by blood, and those who are related by soul. Ideally, these two types of families come together as one, but that is not always the case, as you have found out.  It’s always sad when family turns against one of their own.  That’s not the way it’s supposed to be, and my heart goes out to you.

Papabear had a similar experience to yours that led to my not speaking to my father for over twenty years. A few years ago, I learned he had terminal cancer, so I visited him three times, we sort of reconciled, and I bid him good-bye once and for all when he died. Not talking to my father was my choice, but it was the result of his actions that gravely hurt me and my then-mate.

Your family drove you away, and I understand how you wouldn’t want to talk to them ever again. However, while you do not have to make the first move to reconciliation necessarily, I would not close that door forever if I were you. If one or more of your family members approaches you at some point and asks to be a part of your life again, you should keep your heart open to that, as long as part of that agreement is that they accept you as you are. People change, and, with luck, perhaps some of your family will grow and realize that they should not hate you just because you’re gay.

Likewise, though you have had bad experiences with trying to make new friends in the fandom, hoping that some of them might even become a surrogate family, I encourage you to keep trying. There are a lot of good, selfless furries in the fandom; I know because I am friends with many of them. You’re a bear, and I’m a bear, and perhaps you could find some other bears to be friends with, such as through my Yahoo group BearFurries at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BearFurries/ (ask to join and I promise I’ll approve you ;-). We’re also on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/118395478255640/.

Relationships take time, and worthwhile relationships can take years to grow and become fruitful. I would advise you at this time in your life to actively pursue new relationships, while keeping your eyes and ears open (i.e., a passive role) to a reconciliation with your blood relations.

Yours in Bear Brotherhood,

Papabear