Try Facing Your Fear with Baby Steps

Dear Papa Bear:

I need a little help with love issues, I will star saying that there was someone I liked since I was 15 years old and had the chance to ask him to a date, which was wonderful, by the way.

After a couple of dates I started to love him a lot; even though he's gay and I'm bisexual, we have the same interests on movies, games and shows. I really started to love him and there are some things that are kinda hard for me to tell him:

1) I'm into zoophilia (thanks for your help with this subject)
2) He doesn't know I'm in love with him
3) I'm too shy to admit my feelings for him because unfortunately someone broke my heart some time ago and I'm afraid that he might not like me at all.

What can I do? How can I express him my feelings without seeming fearful? I just don't want to get hurt again if he says "no."

Please help me Papa Bear. 

Sincerely Yours, 

Dairy Cow

* * *

Dear Dairy Cow,

Glad I was able to help with your earlier problem. Your current situation has similarities to a number of letters Papabear has received from the lovelorn in that the difficulties all stem from the same emotion: fear. 

There is a Japanese proverb that says, “Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.” We believe that fear controls us, but it is actually we who have the power to let it rule our lives ... or not. Fear is an excuse to not take a risk, to not slide back into laziness and what is familiar and comfortable, even if what is familiar and comfortable is not good for us.

There are two ways to face fear: you can take baby steps, or you can take the plunge all at once (e.g., pouncing your love interest, giving him a big fat kiss, and declaring your undying love). You’ve already dated this guy, and you both get along. He might even be in love with you but might, like you, be afraid to take the next step. I’m getting a sense that in this situation, we might want to try the baby step approach. Have you told him, at least, that you like him? If so, how did he respond? If he replied in kind, that is definitely something to build on.

I’m guessing, too, that, although you dated, perhaps you are not dating at present. Ask him out to a date. First, do something ordinary, like a movie and a hamburger, then ask him to another date. This next time, do something more romantic: a walk in a park or on the beach, perhaps. Now, if things are going well, the next thing you use is not words but body language: a touch on the shoulder, perhaps a light touch on the hand. Smile, and use your eyes—they can speak volumes. If you sense him withdrawing suddenly, then back off. You are making him uncomfortable. But ... if he responds, you will be able to tell. That’s when you go a little further. Tell him that “I like you.... a lot. More than my other friends. I care about you.” 

A lot of what goes on here depends upon his reactions to your gestures. You will be able to sense positive or negative feedback and then proceed accordingly. If he, for instance, says “I really like you a lot, too,” you could even go to, “I think I might even be falling in love with you.” Again, these are baby steps.

You don’t bring up things like your zoophilia and his being bisexual until you can establish whether or not this guy likes you in the first place. These are things that can be discussed when the relationship has a foothold. If you discover that you both really love each other and want very much to be together, then these issues can be overcome; if the relationship is weak, then a disagreement about sexual appetite could be the end of it. Again, you won’t know that until you have been together for a bit.

So, try the baby-step approach, Dairy Cow, and see how it goes. Good luck!

Hugs,

Papabear