Three Apparently Unrelated Letters Actually ARE Related and Reveal an Unhealthy Submissive Personality
[Papabear note: the following is a somewhat unusual situation in which I am replying to three letters as a combined issue.]
Dear Pappa Bear,
How do I figure out what signals I'm sending when I'm in public? I am perfectly happy being a straight guy, but some of the gay guys I know have recently started advancing on me, and I don't know why. I know one of them was hated by many people, so I tried to be friendly, but no more than I am to anyone else, but he wanted to go on dates and give...adult services shall we say, and this and that after I made no notion of wanting these things. I only know 5 gay guys total, 2 of which have acted strange around me, and I really want some help! ..........please.
Soren (age 18)
This isn't related to my previous question from earlier today, but a rather simple and silly plea for advice. Sorry for bugging you. :(
Let me start with a simple background. I am a slightly confused individual on a quest to discover myself. I have always found certain things to be a big turn-on, and I am always discovering more and more. There seems to be no end. My problem is this: even though some things turn me on to fantasize about, the thought of them in real life makes my stomach upset. I am actually, quite simply, and rather sadly, too much of a germ-o-phobe to enjoy sex. If I...have to give an example...
The fantasy of me laying between someone's legs and licking them out is hot, but the thought of what I might taste or smell is...well, revolting. I can find no balance, aside from straight up cock to c*nt action. Am I cursed to never enjoy my fantasies because of my fears, or are my fears rational and I have them for a reason?
Looking forward to your take on this, as I am on a quest to find myself and I will not give up. No matter what.
Soren (age 18)
Dear Papa Bear,
I know I write too much, but you have really helped others out and I need some serious help right now. For the sake of saving space, I've typed up everything that's going on in this article. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6982426/
I don't have money for any kind of therapist, I don't have time to meditate every day. And I'm not sure how else to get rid of my depression. I am beginning to question a lot about myself...Please help however you can. And thanks in advance.
-A needy, pathetic, depressed furry.
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[And here is the FurAffinity post]
Dear readers, furries, friends, and others alike. I am sorry to say, I am in a low place right now, and I really need some comfort. I have done some stupid things recently, and it caused a backlash from my two closest friends who's names will be left out (my master and mistress). I don't want to make people worry, I'm not stupid enough to think about suicide or anything, just keep me in your hearts and on your minds if you can. I am starting to question my life choices, my fursona, my job...I want the pain to end, but maybe I'm meant to feel it for a while.
If you don't know, I am a pet fox. I act out the role of a sheltered, yet slightly perverted, noob who doesn't know much of anything and who gets by on nothing but his friends. Not entirely untrue...
Last night, (20/08/2015) I was playing with my mistress' coat, and accidentally hurt her. She beat me for it, and I deserved it. I tried to be quiet and let any wounds heal between us for a while, and the she started asking me if I was alright. I said I wasn't sure, cause I had a lot on my mind, and she said it was bound to happen because I was a pet, and I do things that get me beat. Now, it's important to note that I'm only a pet because they pet me and it feels really good. She hasn't pet me in two weeks, and for the first time in months she is saying I have to ask for it, which I'm not good at, and she knows it. I finally just said "screw this pet thing", and I left. Before I was gone I heard her say she would just pet someone who really wanted it.
That exchange nearly killed me on the inside...
I'm also tired of being a fox, for some stereotypical reasons. I think foxes are over-sexualized, and too horny for their own good. I used to be a wolf, but I got tired of that too for different reasons. Why can't I find a fursona to stick with? Why is it so hard? Why does my depression get me in so much trouble? When will I get over it? Can anyone help me? I want to make things right with my mistress, I want to get better at being a good pet, I want a fursona I can actually get used to and like. Please send all the help you can find, my emotional state is getting worse by the hour...
Soren Swifttail (for now)
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[And now my reply]
Thank you for your emails. I’m going to address them all at once because I believe they are related, really. I’m glad you shared that FurAffinity post, because it explains a lot.
It is evident to me that you have been suffering from a poor sense of self, which has resulted in your being overly subby (becoming a pet to a master and mistress). My bet is that your self-image was damaged early in life by a less-than-happy childhood and (probably) demanding and domineering parents. This led you to the world view that to be loved meant to be subjugated by more dominating personalities.
As to your first letter: because you are subby, you may easily be sending out signals of a somewhat effeminate personality which is then being misread by some gay guys as your being gay.
As to your second letter: your need to be subjugated and, hence, “loved,” is interpreted in your fantasy life as doing submissive things, such as performing oral sex or rimming the anus. When you fantasize of such things, in other words, your subconscious mind interprets it as love, which gives you a high. However, you wouldn’t do it in real life because those types of sexual acts are actually repugnant to you (by the way, the key to enjoying anal rimming is good hygiene, but that’s another letter).
As for your third letter: what you are experiencing that is leading to your depression is known as “cognitive dissonance.” This is the state of stress we experience when we have two sides of ourselves battling it out over opposing beliefs and feelings. You believe that in order to experience love you must be submissive, a good pet; but, on the other hand, your conscious self is rebelling against this. You don’t actually like being beaten and made to feel less than a person—a fox, if you will. The resulting conflict makes you miserable because you don't know how to resolve it.
What you are experiencing is an awakening, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you right now that it is dawning on you that you are more than a pet fox.
First step: do not do not do not fool yourself into thinking you are “hurting” your mistress and master. Someone who physically or mentally abuses you is not a good person, and you should not feel ashamed, sad, or guilty for breaking away from them. Your mistress's snide remark that she'll just find a new pet is proof she is not worthy of your affection.
DO stop being a pet.
DO stop being so subby.
DO stop feeling like you have to perform sex acts or be petted etc. to be loved. (The position of lying on the back, belly exposed, is the ultimate expression of animal submission).
DO start finding out who you really are and that you are a person who deserves to be treated as an equal before the eyes of all people.
So, when you conclude in your last letter that you want to make up with your mistress and be a good pet, Papabear’s advice to you is that is the absolute last thing you should do. You need to get away from that lifestyle and that culture because it will swallow you whole.
You need to surround yourself with people who care about you and who don’t use you. You need a much better self-image than what you have currently, and it looks like that is beginning to dawn on you.
I hope this helps, and I feel I’ll be hearing from you again, so don’t be afraid to write.
P.S. Papabear is aware that there is a community out there who are into the master-pet thing. You might believe that, by the above, I’m against such practices. Allow me to correct you: I am against the practice in this particular case; I do understand, though, that it works for some people. Thanks.
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