This Plan of Cohabitation Has Many Flaws

Dear Papabear,

Hi. I'm Nick, and I'm in a little bit of a dilemma. It's a bit of a mess, so I'll just start at the beginning...

I'm currently in what I would consider to be a casual, long-distance relationship with an older male that I met over a year ago. We chat constantly, text usually every day, and remain mostly in contact. He's very sweet and kind to me, which is something that I haven't gotten a lot of growing up due to my parents and their various situations; finances, relationship between them, etc. So, despite my best intentions at remaining just friends with him, I've grown rather attached to him. Several months ago, he brought up the topic of me visiting him when I turn eighteen next year, that soon turning into me staying with him for however long I'd like, and I have to admit, it's tempting. There are a few things that made me consider otherwise, however.

One of them is a rather nasty part about myself, but I'm at least honest about it. We've exchanged several pictures with each other, and I don't find him very attractive. I know that's vain and shallow, but that's just how it is. Physical attraction plays a good-sized role in how I view others, and my view of him is affected by that. That being said, I do consider myself to be attracted to the less material part of himself, being his personality, his kindness, etc. A few other problems involved would be that he admits to actively doing drugs, and while they're nothing too hard or dangerous, it's still a little discouraging when someone close to you is consistently high every time you talk. He's also not got much in the way of prospects. He currently lives with his parents, and while he's hopeful that things will change in the next few years to allow me to move in, I'm skeptical. And while we usually go together rather well, there is one part of our personalities that clash sometimes. He's more of a spiritual type of person, while I'm a bit more rigid when it comes to discussions that head in that direction. Religion, humanity, the possibility of aliens being present, these are all things that we have noticeably different opinions on, and we do drift into those topics somewhat usually. 

Thus, with all that said, I'm on the fence about this. I do have a year, or more, to think this over a bit more, but I've had time to think about this for at least a month, and it's done little to help me pick an option. He and I have discussed this several times, and he usually just says that regardless of the situation, he'd always be more than happy for me to stay with him, but he's always vague on the specific details. Now, I'm not stuck on whether or not I should spend the rest of my life with him, but I haven't had any person before him that treated the same way, so he's special, however awfully clichéd that may be.

If any of that was a bit hard to understand, please let me clarify my question. With the details I've given, what do you think I should do? Am I being absurd by moving out of the house immediately to move in with a man who I've never met before in real life, but have talked with for quite a while? 

Thank you in advanced PB. Looking forward to your reply.

With thanks,
Nick

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Hi, Nick,

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Yes, you are being absurd. It is ALWAYS a bad idea taking the big step of moving in with someone when you haven’t been out on a single date. Papabear does not care a sniff for whatever emails he might get about this opinion arguing for online relationships because there is a HUGE difference between chatting or even Skyping with someone online and actually dating or moving in together. I haven’t done this for a while, but here is a big BEAR GRR on the subject:

GRRR!  THE INTERNET IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTION WITH A PERSON IN THE REAL WORLD!

It’s a very very troubling trend in this modern age to find more and more young people convinced that virtual reality = actual reality. It is simply not so. And I don’t care how amazingly “realistic” the Internet might become with virtual reality programs and high-speed video conferencing. I don’t care if some day (and this is close, actually) you will be able to put sensors on your hands (and perhaps other places) and feel the person on the other end (you can imagine the online yiffing among furries when that happens, I bet!) People can act very differently and deceptively online. Sure, they can do it in the real world, too, but it is far easier to do online. The only ONLY way to really get to know someone is to be with him or her in person.

That said, even if you had managed to date this guy, you have already checked off some things that make him less than ideal for you: 1) he is older than you by apparently a significant span of time; 2) he is still living in his parents’ house and has no immediate prospects for financial stability (you’re right to doubt whether his promises of that changing will actually happen); 3) you don’t find him attractive (it’s okay you feel this way and doesn’t make you necessarily shallow unless physical attractiveness is your only touchstone); 4) he does DRUGS, for Pete’s sake! (although you imply it is just something like marijuana, but still....) and 5) you apparently have viewpoints on some important subjects that you don’t see eye-to-eye on.

Nick, just because you are emotionally deprived at home, don’t make the mistake of leaping into the arms of the first person who gives you a few compliments and is nice to you. Even if this guy isn’t being deceptive (and my bear instinct tells me he is sincere; he strikes me as what I call a “pleasant loser”), it doesn’t mean he is a match for you. Don’t make huge life decisions like this without knowing what you are getting into. For all you know, his home life could be rotten, his parents could be awful people who might resent your being there. You could find yourself becoming a little servant boy to this guy and/or his parents. You could find out that once you move in this guy starts behaving differently. You might simply discover that his daily habits irritate the hell out of you. You don’t know.

I’m not saying that if you get the opportunity to date and see this guy on a regular basis in person you shouldn’t take a chance, but do not go from long-distance relationship to living together in one fell swoop (or even a swell foop). That would be very unwise.

Sometimes it seems to Papabear that the younger generation rushes into things far too readily, especially when it comes to relationships. At 17, you have a lot of time to date people and find that you have more options than you think. So, when it comes to a mate, be picky. You’ll never find someone who meets 100% of your criteria, but you can certainly come a helluva lot closer than this guy, and you deserve a good match.

Hope that helps,

Papabear