I'm in a little bit of a pickle I guess. And I know no one but myself put me here.
Around few years ago I fell head over heels for my mate. At this same time said mate was getting into a relationship with their now married partner. I lived on the other side of the states so I was ok with being their online mate and their partner didn't seem to mind either. So all happy right?
Well I was asked to move out there and after I while I did. It had a rough start but seems to be doing ok now but my mate has told me more then once that they would like to leave their partner. I am very torn here. Their partner has become somewhat of a friend of mine but I also want my mate all to myself.
There is also an issue of a cub. I don't want to get in the middle of that or mess up any kind of family.
But when I’m asked if we could make it and take care of the cub on our own it makes my heart jump for joy but also scares the sh*t out of me. I've never wanted cubs and well....it's a sweet little thing but just not my cup of tea.
Plus it's kind of like holding a treat in front of my face. I don't think my mate will ever really leave their partner but at the same time they wont really let me go.
I'm at a loss of what to do and really want to be able to move on with my mate or....just on I guess?
* * *
In your letter the part that pops out most to me as a warning is “I’ve never wanted cubs and ... it’s a sweet little thing but just not my cup of tea.” If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who has a cub and you don’t like cubs that is a big stop sign in Papabear’s book. Time to take a closer look at the situation....
Since the cub isn’t yours but, rather, your mate’s and your mate’s other partner (I wish I knew what genders y’all were, because this makes it difficult to write a reply—pronoun trouble), you will never really be able to go off into the sunset with your mate and the cub because the kid’s other parent deserves to be involved in the child’s life. Even if your mate does break it off with the other person, there is no way that tie can be broken without being extremely cruel to the child and its other parent. You aren’t really clear in your letter whether these two people are married, but if they are then the courts might have something to say about this, too—the whole child custody mess.
Then you also intimate that your mate might just sort of be leading you on; even though he (she?) has said they want to break it off, you don’t feel they actually will.
You have, as far as I can see here, two choices: 1) you can try and keep the current situation together because it sort of works in a weird way, and encourage your mate to work out whatever problems they are having; or 2) you can get out of the situation entirely and let this family try and make a go of it without you complicating the equation. The third option you seem to hope for is not workable. You are not going to go off with your mate and their cub and leave the other person out of the picture. It just won’t work. You might shift the dynamic more in your favor; that is, you and your mate being together with the other adult as kind of a third wheel, but those bonds can’t be broken entirely. This mate you love will never belong 100% to you.
Papabear suggests you talk to your mate and to their mate—who you say is a friend—and try to find out what is causing their relationship difficulties and try and help them work it all out. This is the right thing to do for them, for the cub, and for you. The four of you, in this way, may create an even stronger bond and become a closer family if you show yourself to be loving and giving and unselfishly work to help the other people in your life.
I hope that makes sense.
1/22/2013 10:24:16 pm
Thank you. I knew there wasn't really away to. Have the family all to myself and I would never want to force a child from its parent.
Leave a Reply.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.