There's Something to Be Said for the Tradition of Courting

Hello, Papabear,

Lately I have been thinking about dating another furry, though what's stopping me is the lack of commitment that my ex's had. Every mate I have had has cheated on me. This is rather troublesome and has caused many trust issues for me. 

I am not possessive, mean, or hanging over them. In fact I am maybe too out of the way? I love to cuddle and care about them greatly. However ... I am not too ... sexual. I care more about cuddles and showing love rather then rubbing bits together. 

I am not sure if it is just my age group that can not keep it in their pants around others. Or is it simply me...?

From,
A kitty

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Dear Kitty,

Yours is a chicken-and-egg quandary—as in, are you having problems with men because all men in your age group are oversexed cheaters or are oversexed cheaters attracted to you and so you are flattered and choose them as mates only to be, surprise surprise, cheated on? Your affectionate nature could be misconstrued as sexual availability by many younger men who, admittedly, often think with their penises. Then, when they discover that you’re not all that interested in sex, it is not surprising they go elsewhere to find it.

Much of this frustration is very possibly exacerbated by the tendency of younger people to leap into bed too early on in a relationship—like, first or second date early. Even if you are more into just cuddling and kissing than actual sex, if you are bringing men into your bed, or visiting theirs, too early in the game then men will get the wrong message from that. You don’t even need a bed—just snogging on the couch or petting can give a hormone-rich young man an erection.

What you are looking for, it sounds like, is a man about your age who, like you, is okay with sex but it’s not a major priority (they do exist). To discover such a man, you need to date for a while in non-intimate encounters before agreeing to take it to the next level. Go out to dinner and a movie or some other activity in public in which being amorous is off the table. What do I mean by “for a while”? At least a couple of months of regular dating should suffice, though longer is not unheard of. At that point you should discover two things: 1) whether or not the guy is actually interested in you or just your body, and 2) whether or not this guy has good character and a compatible personality.

This is what I call, in a biblical manner, weeding out the chaff from the wheat. There's a reason why it used to be a tradition for young men and women to "court" one another for long periods of time before getting engaged, and we can still learn from that, even in our more sexually open modern world. Take the time after a harvest to thresh the wheat, separating the nutritious grain from the inedible stuff, before you eat it and get a mouth full of sticks.

With patience, you’ll find someone.

Wishing you love,

Papabear