The Seven—er, Three—Year Itch

Hey Papabear!

So glad to see your advice column is going on strong! I previously wrote to you in 2013 about my cheating boyfriend and him about being more attracted to men then women. (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/hes-bi-shes-straight-can-they-make-it-work)

I have an question and a update kind of lol.

Insane and I are fine. We will be 3 years together in July! And we got over that previous incident and came to terms with the event. We grew! IT'S FANTASTIC! We are working on getting a apartment and a car. Which is great!

But here is my question. We are getting to that point of "Brick Love Wall" Syndrome as I like to call it. Is it normal to feel like the relationship is boring/In a routine/No spice? I love him and still have the desire to be with him. 

It may be just us being comfortable or something.

I wanna feel the honeymoon stage again but I know that can't happen because people fall in love in stages. We are in that "We love each other but it's not honeymoon." stage. (Lack for a better term.)

Any advice would be lovely.

Thank you~!
Jaded One (age 21, Las Vegas)


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Dear Jaded,

Oh, yes, I recall you very well and am glad things are going better with your mate! As for your current challenge, it’s not unusual at all for couples to get a bit bored with their sex life after a few years (there’s a classic movie about this starring Marilyn Monroe—with her famous street vent pose—called The Seven Year Itch you might enjoy watching). In your 2013 letter to me, I advised you to spice up your love life a little. Have you tried that?

Spicing up your love life means to try different things other than the same ol’ same ol’ in the bedroom. One thing you can do is try different locations. Other rooms in the house, perhaps outside (if you have a private yard), or, even better, a romantic getaway (although that’s less practical for regular sex, it can be a nice change of pace).

You can try role-play fantasies, experiment with toys (e.g. from Bad Dragon), etc. The important thing is to break out of old habits and do something different.

That’s just the sex part, of course. Forgive me if I assumed that was what you meant, at first. There is also “everything else” about life that can put a damper on that honeymoon feeling. You have to work, pay bills, wash the laundry, clean the house, etc. etc. When you’re on a honeymoon, none of the day-to-day stuff matters, and you can idealize your love and spend all your time having fun.

While it’s impractical to do that now, you need to set aside time for yourselves and get away from the distractions of life. Take one day a week (or at least one afternoon) and make it “Us Time.” It doesn’t really matter what you do during Us Time, just as long as you do it together, but one thing I would strongly suggest—toss away the cell phones and any other distracting electronic devices. This is time for YOU, not answering text messages.

In addition to the weekly Us Time, also take one day a month for what you might call Mega-Us Time, which is a special day when you do something really fun, like go to an amusement park or a camping trip or some other fun excursion. Heck, you live in Vegas. If you haven’t done it before, go see a concert, or see the jousting show at the Excalibur Hotel. If the budget is a problem, get yourself a picnic basket and find a secluded spot for a lovely meal, watch a sunset, and cuddle.

There are dozens of things you can do cheaply and romantically. Here’s a site that lists a bunch http://onecentatatime.com/101-frugal-and-romantic-ideas-for-anniversary/ and you can easily do some research on the Web for more.

Next time you feel like you’re getting into a routine, make a little effort to shake things up again to bring back that honeymoon feeling.

Wishing You Continued Love,

Papabear