The Self-Actualized Furry Is a Happy Furry

​Hi, Papabear,

I'm a 16 year old male that lives in Kwa-ZuluNatal, South African, and I found you on FurAffinity. I need your advice on how I can find my fursona. And if you don't mind. How do I tell my family about this?

All the best,
Anonymous

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Hello, Furiend,

Since you don't offer much in the way in details in your letter, it is hard to give you specific advice. Each person is different, and that affects everything from fursonas to how you explain this to your parents. So, please take advantage of the categories on my website, browse the letters, and hopefully you will find something helpful. If not, write again and give me some details on your particular situation.

For advice on fursona design, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/fursonas
For advice on "coming out" furry, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/coming%20out%20furry

Take Care,

Papabear Grubbs


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Hi, Papabear,

Sorry I wasn't clear in my last letter I'll try to do better in this one.

I'm not myself right now and I think the furry community can help me find myself again.I try talking to my mom about this and she is a bit scared because she has never heard about the furry community and I don't blame her.Its just me my mom and sister,I don't have someone to talk to about this. I'm just so confused right now and would like advise on how to go forward from this point.

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Dear Furiend,

Pardon me for responding in generalities, since I don't know all the details about who you are, but I do like the way you phrase the question: How can the furry community help you find yourself again?

The first question coming to my mind, then, is: Did you once know who you were in the past? How did you lose yourself?

It sounds as though you are seeking identity by finding a community to which you can belong; a group of people that accept you as you were apparently once accepted but no longer feel accepted. Reading between the lines makes me wonder whether this is because you have discovered something about yourself that is not socially acceptable, such as something to do with your sexual identity. I only say this because that is a very common problem among people who feel rejected by society, especially when it comes to your teen years when you are discovering your sexual orientation.

But in order to find acceptance anywhere, my furiend, you must first accept yourself. Do you accept yourself and who you are? Probably not, since you say that you have lost yourself. How does one accept oneself?

• Step 1: You must assert that you are not doing anything wrong or immoral by being you. Unless you are deliberately harming others, you are not doing anything wrong. Do not measure yourself by societal standards. Society is wrong. A lot. For example, many societies have condoned slavery, racism, child labor, and the oppression of women as "normal." Even if such standards are written into law, it doesn't make them right. The same is true for religious beliefs. These are also often wrong. Finally, while parents and family often mean well, they can be wrong, too. Do not be afraid to acknowledge that your parents are not always right and they might be misguided because they have listened to what society dictates rather than to what is true and just. It's not their fault. Almost everyone makes this mistake, but you don't have to.
• Step 2: Listen to your inner voice. Everyone has one. It is my belief that one's conscience is a direct line to the divine. If you listen, your heart will tell you what is right and will tell you who you are.
• Step 3: Once you figure out who you are and have recognized your inner voice connection to the spiritual being that many call "God," but I call "One," then it is time to live your life according to who you are. As someone who has been on that journey, believe me when I say you will never be happy until you reach this point.

Once you have achieved self-acceptance and actualization, that is the time to seek out community. Many furries make the mistake of doing the opposite: seeking a community that validates who they are rather than validating themselves first. The problem with doing it that way is that the furry community--like any other community--has some bad people in it who will troll you and attack you and say things like "you're not a real furry," and too many furries take this to heart. They then complain that the furry community has rejected them (it has not, only a few bad eggs have) and the next thing you know they start posting online about how furry drama is rampant and it is all the fault of the furry community.

But the self-actualized furry (or whatever you consider yourself to be) will have the confidence and self-respect to find good people, as I have done, and form their community around them. In other words, you become a seed for a cloud of like-minded, like-spirited people who will then become your personal community.

Another wonderful effect of being self-actualized is that you will no longer have to seek your fursona. IT will find YOU. For example, once I figured out and accepted I was a gay bear, well then! Grubbs Grizzly walked right into my life and wrapped me in his furry body.

As for telling Mom about your interest in furry, the best way to approach mundanes with it is to compare it to other fandoms, such as superhero fandoms or fans of Star Trek or Star Wars. It's not a perfect comparison because you and I know that the furry fandom is unique, but most non-furries won't get that. Therefore, just tell Mom, in terms she can understand, that it is simply imaginative fun similar to dressing up as a superhero or pretending you're Spock on Star Trek, only it is about anthro animals like the ones in Zootopia (use popular movies and don't talk about underground furry art and such; relate to things with which they are familiar). 

I hope these tips help you. Thanks for writing.

Hugs,
Papabear