Dear Papa Bear,
I have been having some trouble with my relationship and I wonder if you can help me? This isn't about furry, if that's okay? Please.
Anyway, I met my mate, "Mark," about three years ago and he's a great guy. After dating for over a year, we decided to move in together. At first it was great, but now I'm kind of wondering if I might have rushed into things. Mark is a very nice guy. He works in C.S., doesn't make a lot of money, but together with my job we do great, and the good news is both our families are fine with our relationship.
I'd be very happy, except for one thing. Our sex life. Mark at first seemed okay with sex, but he seems less and less interested. Even when he is interested--and I feel really guilty saying this--he's not ... he's not very good. I feel very unsatisfied in the bedroom. Before we met, I was pretty promiscuous, I have to admit. I didn't do anything stupid, like have unprotected sex, but I probably had sex with over 20 guys in that period. I even did a couple orgies and really liked it. But people kept telling me that the only way to be happy was to be with one guy, and I kept talking to people who seemed to want monogamous relationships. After I met Mark and we moved in together, all my friends kept telling me how lucky I was. And, I am, but I'm not happy. I've tried "spicing things up" and doing role play and such, and he seems to try to get into it, but I can tell he isn't really and he's just doing it to please me. But he seems happy with HIS sex life because he doesn't really need it much. And, when we do make love, it is usually me servicing him and then he rolls over and goes to sleep without even offering to do something for me. I've tried to tell him I need more, and each time I do, he does a little better for a little while, and then it is right back to where we started.
I feel so shallow that sex is important, and I've been denying my feelings for Mark's sake for two years now, but it's getting bad and I think he can tell I'm not happy. He caught me a couple times looking at furporn and... doing stuff.
This is driving me crazy! Papa Bear, how can I tell someone I love that he isn't making me happy in the bedroom? What can I do? Should I leave him? I don't want to, I love him so much but I feel so stuck.
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Papabear is sorry you are having a hard time with your boyfriend. It's very hard to find someone in your life who satisfied every item on your wish list, but there are a couple of things on everyone's list that are near the top, and a good sexual relationship is one of them. Usually, there are some minor differences in people's wants that can be straightened out with some frank discussion. Communication in the bedroom is, of course, important. But, you said you have talked to him and it didn't help. You also did what I would have suggested next, which is trying to spice things up with a bit of role play, but that, apparently, didn't work either.
You don't mention your ages, so another thing I am wondering about is if maybe Mark is up there in years and his testosterone levels might be low. Or, perhaps, he has another medical issue, such as with his heart or diabetes? Does he have erectile dysfunction? Have you tried Viagra or Cialis?
If none of these things have worked, there is still hope for you and Mark. One thing you can try is sex counseling. There are therapists who specialize in sexual relationships who may be able to help, but both of you need to attend these sessions for it to work.
Another thing to consider is called a "monogamish" relationship. What is monogamish? It is a relationship that is somewhere between monogamy and polygamy. In monogamy, of course, both partners are totally dedicated to each other in every way: emotionally, sexually, financially, spiritually etc. In polygamy, one or both partners has multiple partners, which can include loving relationships (think old school Mormon practices).
In a monogamish relationship, however, the two partners remain completely and totally emotionally committed to one another. No one else has claim to either one's heart. BUT, when one of the partners has a sexual need that the other one—for one reason or another—cannot fulfill, they can go outside and get their satisfaction that way.
This isn't really the same as an "open" relationship because, in my opinion, an open relationship is really letting either partner do whatever he or she wants. In a workable monogamish relationship, the partners agree to certain ground rules. For example, the rule might be that the partners play with other people only by bringing them in for a three- or foursome or whatever. Sometimes that doesn't work, however, because differing sexual tastes might make a threesome awkward, so another rule might be that one partner only play with another person if it is someone they both trust. Anyway, whatever the rules, there is an agreement that the two partners adhere to and there is no sneaking around and having sex with whomever you take a fancy to.
I've read some interesting articles about this online with some facts about which I was unaware. Apparently, among gay couples, monogamish relationships are quite common and have proven to be successful.
Open relationships can work, too, but you might want to start with a monogamish one. Consider the sex therapist, too, or the other things I noted if you haven't already tried them.
I wish you much luck, hon. It stinks to be in the position you are in. Please don't feel guilty about it. Everyone has needs and it is up to BOTH partners to work out those needs and make sure they are being fulfilled.
Let me know how it works out. HUGS!
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