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  • Ask Papabear

Thai Boyfriend Is Being Pressured to Return Home and Leave His Lover Behind

6/19/2012

8 Comments

 
Hello there!

Greetings from Germany! I really like your site, you sure are a wise man! My problems aren’t easy to put in a nutshell, so this might take some time to explain, but I appreciate every advice.

It all started when I met this guy, three years ago. Yeah, I know that's a very common opening ^^. We became very good friends in no time, but he told me there's no way we could become boyfriends. Because his father doesn't like the thought of his "good" son liking other men as well, because he feels some responsibility toward his family, that kinda stuff. I should mention that he is Thai, so of course he has different moral standards, very different. But yet, after a year we became boyfriends. It kinda happened, we just get so well together I guess it was inevitable, even though we're so different in many ways (or maybe that's the reason). 

My parents know that I'm gay and have no problem with it, especially since they know my boyfriend. Since he's a true paragon of courtesy even my mom gave up her fears that I might end up with the wrong person, and we sure did spend many good times together, not to mention he helps me a LOT with my extreme coyness. We went to conventions, museums, zoos, events, many places were are lots of people, which isn't quite easy for me, I tend to feel very uneasy between masses of people, but he makes me feel better. We even went to some gay pride parades, I would never done this by my own.

So, what's the problem? For one, his father. He always told me stories about his dad, so I didn't actually want to meet that man. But one night we were at a train station far away from home at 3 o'clock in the morning, and the trains just stopped. I tried to call my parents, but I didn't reach them, so we had to call for his dad. Damn, I was so afraid to meet him at last! My bf told me to act completely normal, since his dad doesn't know his son has a bf now. Then he came to pick us up, he seemed quite normal to me, but the next morning he told me his dad asked if I was mentally disabled, because I looked like a retard to him. Well, I never met the parents of one of my boyfriends or gay friends, but I sure didn't expect THAT! Then I met his dad one second time, he was getting something and I was waiting with his dad outside. His dad doesn't know much German, so I didn't expect a big talk, but then he suddenly turned away from me and went some steps away, without even looking at me anymore!

I guess you can see his dad is a very difficult person to talk to, and I gave up any hope for us to ever come out to him. He really is the perfect stereotype of an east Asian patriarch, who wants his son to be a good student, to marry a good woman and to raise good children. In addition to that he wants his son to return with him to Thailand as soon as possible, another reason why he didn't want us to become too close. And even more, he WANTS to return with his dad, and to raise an own family. Okay, I don't want children (lol) but that made me wonder why he suddenly chanced his mind and wanted to become my boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if it's just his father’s influence, but that's the main reason our relationship doesn't seem to have such a happy future.

We did have many little fights lately, but nothing too bad since every relationship has its ups and downs, so it actually makes me feel just even more like we're a real couple by now, but you see… the bitter end is just inevitable, since he actually seems to want all the things his father wants. He's just too much of a good soul and too loyal to his old man, I guess, but it does kinda hurt to know that his father's interests are more important to him than me. I don't think he wants to hurt me, heaven forbid! But it became really hard for us recently, and I started to think, is it worth it to trudge through the last few years we have till it has to end? Because sometimes I think it's hard for him, too, that he has to hide me from his family, while my family truly loves him for everything he is, he even got to celebrate Christmas with us, and he got almost more presents than me ^^. But the next day already he was upset again, his great pessimism has always been his worst side. I just don't know how to help him, to help US.

Anything I can do?
Hyperion

* * *

Dear Hyperion,

When Papabear was still living in Van Nuys, there were a lot of Thai families in his neighborhood and two of my best friends were from Thailand, so I am somewhat familiar with the culture. As with many Asian cultures, family is very important and the wishes of the parents are a lot more respected than they are here in the United States. This, I’m sure, you are familiar with by now.

Your boyfriend is in a difficult situation. On the one paw, he loves you (willing to bet) and he loves being with you in a relationship. On the other paw, he has been raised to respect his father’s wishes and to be an obedient son. After reading your letter a couple of times, Papabear’s inclination is to predict this: your boyfriend will enjoy his life with you as much as possible and for as long as possible, but when the time comes, he will obey his homophobic father, return to Thailand, marry, and do what his family wants. Will he be miserable? Of course he will, but that, to him, is secondary to family.

In fairness, I do not know this young man, except from what you have said here and from your insights. The mixed signals you are getting from him are the telltale signs of a soul in deep conflict between what he wants and what he believes he is obligated to do. It is certainly possible that he could overcome his feelings of duty to family and do what is best for both of you.

Hyperion, you don’t tell me about your age or living circumstances, but would I be correct that you and your Thai boyfriend are both in school now? And, when you are done with school, his father will take him back to their homeland, yes? 

Here is one possibility: after your boyfriend earns his degree, would it be possible for him to obtain a work visa? If he had a terrific career opportunity in Germany and took a job there, then he could become financially independent and remain in your country and be with you. Maybe he could even convince his father that this is a great opportunity for him and that he should stay instead of going back to Thailand.

It sounds like, however, you believe he will go back to Thailand no matter what. Instead of speculating what he wants, have you sat down with him and had a heart-to-heart talk? Ask him, frankly, where he sees your relationship going. Is he just in it for the short term? Or, does he want to go the distance. You two have been together long enough that you deserve to know his intentions. Don’t let him fudge: get an answer from him, one way or the other. 

If he admits it is just for the short term, then it is up to you what to do. Do you want to enjoy him while you can? Or would you consider this just a waste of your time because what you really want is a committed relationship? If the latter, it is time to go your separate ways. If the former, you will still separate but maybe have some more good memories to share.

If he says he really wants to be with you, then it is time for you to step up. Tell him that you realize he is being pressured by his father to return to Thailand and live a traditional life, but you really love him, and if he wants you to be a couple you will stand by him, support him through thick and thin to make it possible. It sounds like your family is supportive of you, so perhaps you can enlist their support as well. Tell him it is time he spoke honestly with his father, told him that he is gay, and that you will be with him every step of the way, no matter how well or badly it goes.

In the end, it is his decision what he wants to do, but the two of you need to communicate your goals and needs clearly before you take the next step.

Wishing You Luck and Love,

Papabear 
8 Comments
Hyperion
6/20/2012 12:37:21 am

Dear Papabear,

thank you very much for your kind words, you really helped me out a lot!
Yes, sorry about not telling all of it, but if I wanted to write you everything I'm afraid it would've become a big novel, and I wanted to keep it as short as possible ^^"
You are not quite correct, I turned 21 today and I'm working at a printing company right now. He is 25 with a middle school graduation, and since you know some things about the thai culture I guess you know that if you're thai and haven't finished university at the age of 21 you're quite a loser, another reason why his father puts so much pressure on him (he's not stupid, he has just some problems with our language)… He wants to become a popular comic artist, that's his big dream, even through is dad thinks that's just a waste of time. He really is a good artist, but no publisher accepted him yet. And he DID try a lot, but his style is just too individual. That's another reason why he wants to go, his family knows lots of acquaintances in thailand who could help him.
Actually he HAS the german citizenship since he's born here, so he had to chance to thai citizenship for his purpose, and well, he already did (dual citizenship doesn't exist anymore). Another big difference between us is that I'm not even close as ambitious about my career as he is, I'm already satisfied with my 08/15 job as long as the work is alright and the colleagues are nice, but he wants to become popular for his art, and is really depressed because he already got so many denials, yet he keeps trying. Once I just asked him if his career is that much important to him that he wants to leave me, and even though he didn't say it directly, I guess it is. I can't deny it, that really hurt, but I don't want to hurt him in return.
So… yeah you're right, I should've told you some of this before I guess, sorry ^^" But as I said, it's many things, and my life got quite stressful lately, so I tend to forget (or ignore) some problems.
But despite that you don't know him you estimated him quite well! I tried often to talk to him about us, and he does not like the thought of leaving me. If he would manage to get a well paid job as an artist his father wouldn't mind him to stay (money seems to matter the most in his family), but as I said before, no one accepted him yet. And since he really doesn't seem to be happy here anymore I can understand him, that he wants to go where he has more chances and is more respected (most peers here tend to bully him), so I might be the only reason why he would want to stay.
No, if that's the way to make him happy again I know I have to let him go when it's time, but I would never let him down. You're right, we have the same problem most couples have, we just don't talk enough to each other ^^" Thank you very much for helping me seeing this, and when he's gone it might be the end of our relationship, but not the end of our friendship. I will try to make the best out of our remaining time (isn't it a shame that short lengths of time are the best motivation for most people?)
Again thank you very much for your kind words and your support! You're the best! *hugs*

Reply
Papabear
6/20/2012 05:24:49 am

Hello Hyperion

Now that I have more information here are some further options you moght consider:

1. Perhaps he could find work as a graphic artist or designer and do cartooning on tbe side.
2. Has he tried self publishing his work and selling it on his own?
3. If you career is not so important to you as his is, and if his opportunities are better in Thailand, what if you moved tk Thailand with him? Relationships go both ways and if you love him so much maybe it is you who needs to make the move. I hear Thailand is a fascinating and beautiful place.

Hugs,
Papabear

Reply
Hyperion
6/20/2012 01:47:29 pm

Hello again.

1.Well, he tries to find a job of that kind, recently he asked me if he could try an internship at the company I'm working at. I hope that'll work out.
2. He does. Aside from commissions (he gets a lot) he offers some of his comic books at furry cons, such as Eurofurence, but they didn't become very popular.
3. Of course you're right, I sure should be willing to do the same for him, but that would be very difficult. For once, I can't stand any heat. I'm not joking, I can barely go outside when it's 30° C (about 180° F), and during summer I have to sleep downstairs because my room gets to hot for me (my parents say I'm just being oversensitive since their room is next to mine). My big sister did an internship in Thailand once, and she told me that pretty much any food there is hot spiced, and I have a very sensitive tongue. Then I have barely enough money to start a new life in another country, and I would need a new job, which would be also very difficult since I don't speak any thai, and my english is still pretty much incomplete as you see, and I sure don't want to complete two apprenticeships just to whip the floor somewhere else. Then I would have to find a place to live, possible near him, also very difficult since their property is way out of town, and even if I managed all of that, how would that solve our problem? He would still be living with his father, which means he still would have to hide our relationship, also I have no idea how the people in his home village are thinking about gay couples, especially with a foreigner. Not to mention his dad would become suspicious if I was suddenly living close by them. And don't forget the whole marriage thing. When he's married and has children, is he supposed to hide me from his family? I do love him so very much, but as long as he doesn't at least confesses himself to me there's no way I would leave my old live completely behind, if I did then only as his true lover, not just as his secret love nobody knows about.
He just can't break with his father it seems, I did ask him about it, but he's still very dependent on him, not only financially, also for some personal reasons I don't want to explain any further. He told him once that he had something going on with another man some years ago, and in the end he had to promise his angry father that he would never do such a thing again, just to get back to peace.
If he did I already would have asked him to move in together with me somewhere else, but that seems to be simply wishful thinking.

Reply
Papabear
6/20/2012 02:15:57 pm

Given all that, then the answer is unavoidable: your relationship with your Thai boyfriend is unlikely to work out. Papabear thinks you already know this and are just seeking out someone to validate your suspicions. Well, consider them validated. I think it's time for you to move on....

Reply
Hyperion
6/20/2012 02:53:24 pm

Well, you might be right I guess. But you still helped me out a lot, thank you very much for your support and for listening to this stupid wolf ^^ *hugs*

Papabear
6/21/2012 12:31:16 am

Awww, don't call yourself "stupid." Affairs of the heart are often illogical, doesn't make you stupid. Hugs.

Reply
Critter link
6/24/2012 08:00:27 am

Hyperion, you've received some good advice here.

I'd like to add that love - and life - is hard and I have compassion for your situation. You've gained some good if difficult experience with this relationship that should serve you well in life.

Best,

- Critter

Reply
Hyperion
6/24/2012 05:45:41 pm

Dear Critter, you're so right ^^ Thank you very much!

Reply



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