Surviving a Broken Heart

Dear Papabear,

I feel absolutely destroyed and need advise from someone outside of my own personal friend circle who can offer insight on my predicament. I was in a relationship and engaged to a wonderful dragon. We rarely argued and when we did we were always able to overcome with patience and compromise. it took a lot of work and effort to get to our level of love/trust and I really thought we were going to make it for the long haul. That's why it was so surprising and painful when it all started slipping. I tried literally everything I could do to save us, but he stopped helping. He started spending all his time on telegram and twitter and started caring much more about his looks and his friends... and the whole time he said he was the bad guy and I was doing nothing wrong when i pointed out how it was hurting the relationship. He stopped talking to me.

I don't understand what happened. He was never very sexually driven. I knew he was Pan sexual and could have a desire for men, but we were open. He could RP online or go play with someone if he wanted I just wanted to keep the love and he agreed. He used to tell me that "This is the best relationship I've ever been in" and "you still give me butterflies". Everything came down in the span of a month. It went from so serene, tender and loving to "I have no love left for you" so quickly. Even worse he says I did nothing wrong. He leaped from loving fiance to I'm only into men and want to uproot my entire life in a Flash. He said he felt guilty so why didn't he try to save us? Why did he totally stone wall me when I was trying to figure out what had happened? Why didn't he mourn or come to me sooner when he started feeling bad? So many whys.

Its been a couple of months now and I'm still so torn up inside. I feel like it didn't matter that I gave him literally everything I had and that I was willing to give the rest of my life to him. It didn't matter that I was patent, loving, flexible, always there when he needed me, and so many other things I thought he deserved out of the relationship... How are you supposed to move on and build up after giving so much? How do I keep it from happening again.. because it felt like a big part of the break up was... because I'm not male. And why do I still love him and want to be with him even after all of this pain and after hes made it abundantly clear that he had nothing for me?

I'm sure time is an answer to this... but I sure would like to feel like I will survive this instead of death by great bleeding heart. Advise on the short term healing or maybe recommendations on long term relationships for next time?

Broken Hearted Blue (age 26)

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Dear Broken Hearted,
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. I might be able to give you some insight into this because I am familiar with what I think is his side of it from a personal level. Not sure if you read much of my bio in this column over the years, but I was married to a lovely woman for 22 years. I went into the marriage honestly believing I was straight, but when I was forty I figured out I wasn't (long story short, I had a sheltered childhood and though all gay men were effeminate, which didn't appeal to me, but later I discovered the bear community and instantly identified with it). Anyway, after four long years trying to deny it to myself and to her, I came out to her. We both cried and, of course, this led to her divorcing me. The good news is that we remain friends and I still have a lot of love for her, but we could never be married again.
 
It might be that your dragon experienced something similar, only that he initially felt he was pansexual and later it dawned on him that he was only into men. Such revelations can come over time, or they can come quite abruptly, as seems to have happened with him.
 
Now, this only has to do with sexuality. There's a difference, as you know, between sexuality and love. What rather disturbs me about what he said to you (if I am understanding this correctly) is that not only does he no longer have a sexual interest in you, but he also no longer loves you. If, to him, sex is the same as love, then that speaks poorly of this young man. If, on the other hand, he is saying "I don't love you anymore" as a way of, perhaps, breaking things off more cleanly and permanently so as not to lead you on in any way, then that is still a rather cruel thing to do, but a little more understandable.
 
Either way, he has hurt you, and to be that cold to someone you professed to love is a dark path to walk. It makes me not like him very much, but then I don't have to.
 
Answering your questions: 1) Yes, you will survive this. You are 26. Every young person goes through heartbreak at one time or another. It is part of life and part of learning about relationships. Learn from the experience and take your new wisdom into the next relationship you have, but also don't sell the good memories short; it's okay to have fond memories of someone you are no longer with—good memories can make us stronger just as surviving bad ones can. 2) On the short term, the best thing for you to do is spend a little time focusing on you as an individual and not as half of a relationship. Remember, what happened (and he said this himself!) is not because of something wrong with you but, rather, something amiss with him. Spend the next few months contemplating who you are as a person, what you want out of life, and how to achieve it. Do this in terms of only yourself and not as a partner or spouse. 3) In the long term, it will help immensely if you become—from this experience and its aftermath—someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life; someone who is self-assured and confident in themselves; someone who has love in their heart but is not codependent or seeking a codependent relationship just to get by. Such people are immensely attractive. It's the ones who reek of desperation or neediness that chase potential suitors away. Then, as this confident person (not arrogant, confident), you will be much more likely to find someone who is better mate material. No guarantees, but that's life!
 
Hugs,
Papabear