Suicide Is the Ultimate Selfish Act

Dear Papabear,

I just recently discovered your site and figured I could use some advice. Firstly what you should know is that I am heavily divided Love and Hate, Life and Death, Courage and Cowardice in just about everything. I recently told my closest confidant (my sister) how depressed I was and had become of late and was about to explain all about everything I do lately and explain how I see things but she has the ability to make me explain things faster then I like and I told her how much I wanted to die and I can't stop thinking about her reaction was to start crying and ask me why "I" would leave her like that alone. I left and later made a appointment with a psychotherapist for depression and told myself wait to see what he says first before I do anything. I later go to a few appointments and being skeptical didn't tell him anything important while I tested how open to certain ideas he was, not very. 

Well, I being reasonable enough thought very hard about that talk and I realized I kinda resent the reaction I got. I mean not just that the entire reason I felt like shit was because I felt that she if anyone would understand how I felt. My sister who I lived with for 18 years and who was like my mother growing up didn't get why I was so miserable. I grew up in a single parent home with my Dad and sister and we were close. After that I decided to impose self exile from my family my Dad, my sister, my aunt (she was my other mother figure). I'll sit home and do nothing then hang with them anymore.

To fill the void of my family I decided to let myself open up a bit to my friends but the main problem with that is that I have only told my close friend that I'm Bi and I know for a fact he and all my other friends hate furries so I can't even have a meaningful conversation with anybody about my life without ignorance. Doesn't help that I live in a rather small community lacking anything in the way of social interaction outside of drinking heavily or gambling.

Anyway I'm just looking for anything that might give me hope the world is making me more jaded even thou I already misanthropic but in books are my escape from life.

Animosh (the miserable and lonely)

P.S. Animosh means Dog in Ojibwa in case you were wondering

* * *

Dear Animosh,

As I have written in other columns, suicide is the worst option. I’ve tried it, luckily failed. And in failing got to see with my own eyes the misery I caused everyone from my supremely selfish act. What you need to understand, Animosh, when you do something like tell your sister you want to kill yourself (or actually do the deed) is that it is not all about you. Your life affects others around you, and killing yourself would cause those who love you great pain because they love you. Your sister’s reaction, therefore, is completely understandable, so please consider how your words might hurt her in the future.

This is not to say that you should not go to your sister when you are troubled. People who are so depressed that they want to commit suicide should seek help. I have a feeling, though, that you didn’t approach your sister in a way that was seeking help but, rather, indulging in a self-pitying tirade that didn’t take her feelings into account. Am I right?

Next, you went to a therapist. Good idea. But then you weren’t honest with him. So, how do you expect this therapist to help you if you don’t tell him what the matter really is? Of course they didn’t seem to react to your pain as they should because you didn’t give them the whole story. So, don’t blame the therapist; it was your lack of honesty that led to an inappropriate reaction on the part of the counselor.

Next, you cut yourself out of your family’s life. Again, bad move. What did they do to you that they deserve such treatment? Sounds like your sister, in particular, has been very supportive of you. You even say you, your dad, and your sister have been very close. Your dismissive treatment of them is most immature, Animosh.

Finally, you seek out friends who don’t like furries and even “hate” them. Why would you prefer such company to that of family members who love you? It boggles this bear’s mind.

There’s a line from the original Star Trek series in which Mr. Spock says, “If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.” You, Animosh, have made your own purgatory. Are there things in the world to be depressed about? Sure, but there are also many good things in the world to be happy about, such as a family’s love. It is all about your attitude and whether or not you choose to be happy. That power is in your own paws.

My advice to you, Animosh, is this: go back to communicating with your sister and father. When you have people who love you like that, to throw them away like trash is a sin. Also, stop thinking about only yourself and think of how your actions affect those who care about you. It is only when you do this that you will find yourself and happiness again.

Papabear