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  • Ask Papabear

Suicide Is the Ultimate Selfish Act

4/5/2013

10 Comments

 
Dear Papabear,

I just recently discovered your site and figured I could use some advice. Firstly what you should know is that I am heavily divided Love and Hate, Life and Death, Courage and Cowardice in just about everything. I recently told my closest confidant (my sister) how depressed I was and had become of late and was about to explain all about everything I do lately and explain how I see things but she has the ability to make me explain things faster then I like and I told her how much I wanted to die and I can't stop thinking about her reaction was to start crying and ask me why "I" would leave her like that alone. I left and later made a appointment with a psychotherapist for depression and told myself wait to see what he says first before I do anything. I later go to a few appointments and being skeptical didn't tell him anything important while I tested how open to certain ideas he was, not very. 

Well, I being reasonable enough thought very hard about that talk and I realized I kinda resent the reaction I got. I mean not just that the entire reason I felt like shit was because I felt that she if anyone would understand how I felt. My sister who I lived with for 18 years and who was like my mother growing up didn't get why I was so miserable. I grew up in a single parent home with my Dad and sister and we were close. After that I decided to impose self exile from my family my Dad, my sister, my aunt (she was my other mother figure). I'll sit home and do nothing then hang with them anymore.

To fill the void of my family I decided to let myself open up a bit to my friends but the main problem with that is that I have only told my close friend that I'm Bi and I know for a fact he and all my other friends hate furries so I can't even have a meaningful conversation with anybody about my life without ignorance. Doesn't help that I live in a rather small community lacking anything in the way of social interaction outside of drinking heavily or gambling.

Anyway I'm just looking for anything that might give me hope the world is making me more jaded even thou I already misanthropic but in books are my escape from life.

Animosh (the miserable and lonely)

P.S. Animosh means Dog in Ojibwa in case you were wondering

* * *

Dear Animosh,

As I have written in other columns, suicide is the worst option. I’ve tried it, luckily failed. And in failing got to see with my own eyes the misery I caused everyone from my supremely selfish act. What you need to understand, Animosh, when you do something like tell your sister you want to kill yourself (or actually do the deed) is that it is not all about you. Your life affects others around you, and killing yourself would cause those who love you great pain because they love you. Your sister’s reaction, therefore, is completely understandable, so please consider how your words might hurt her in the future.

This is not to say that you should not go to your sister when you are troubled. People who are so depressed that they want to commit suicide should seek help. I have a feeling, though, that you didn’t approach your sister in a way that was seeking help but, rather, indulging in a self-pitying tirade that didn’t take her feelings into account. Am I right?

Next, you went to a therapist. Good idea. But then you weren’t honest with him. So, how do you expect this therapist to help you if you don’t tell him what the matter really is? Of course they didn’t seem to react to your pain as they should because you didn’t give them the whole story. So, don’t blame the therapist; it was your lack of honesty that led to an inappropriate reaction on the part of the counselor.

Next, you cut yourself out of your family’s life. Again, bad move. What did they do to you that they deserve such treatment? Sounds like your sister, in particular, has been very supportive of you. You even say you, your dad, and your sister have been very close. Your dismissive treatment of them is most immature, Animosh.

Finally, you seek out friends who don’t like furries and even “hate” them. Why would you prefer such company to that of family members who love you? It boggles this bear’s mind.

There’s a line from the original Star Trek series in which Mr. Spock says, “If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.” You, Animosh, have made your own purgatory. Are there things in the world to be depressed about? Sure, but there are also many good things in the world to be happy about, such as a family’s love. It is all about your attitude and whether or not you choose to be happy. That power is in your own paws.

My advice to you, Animosh, is this: go back to communicating with your sister and father. When you have people who love you like that, to throw them away like trash is a sin. Also, stop thinking about only yourself and think of how your actions affect those who care about you. It is only when you do this that you will find yourself and happiness again.

Papabear

10 Comments
Critter
4/5/2013 04:27:47 am

One thing to do is be a friend to others in need without trying to solve their problems, just being a listener. Maybe start with your sister, find out how she feels rather than telling her about how you feel.

You just might find out you're not as alone as you think you are.

Good luck, I hope you can find some peace.

Reply
Random
4/5/2013 08:05:50 pm

Honestly I disagree that suicide is a selfish act, it's just something that people want to get rid of there pain. (And many have personal different lives and none of them is bad) I have other reasons why I don't think it is. This also reminds me of this: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-is-not-a-selfish-act.html

Of course, I am NOT suggesting it to anyone on here I think. But I do believe it's a personal right and not a sin. And that I too have an issue with society and go A social and Anti-social a bit and try to escape, perhaps suicide thoughts came too but not too much for now...

Above: If this does bother anyone on this site, and may cause something very "bad", then of course, you can delete that part or whole message. :/
____________



Anyway, good luck with your life, if you see people attacking you for anti-furry reasons, you could always go to your family, and maybe someday if you wanted to make friends too, you could stand up for your self in public someday.

Also, papabear again, I could suggest to give the guy hope for social accepting too, not just family (Not replacing of course). Since some people might one day move out on there own, etc. Just a suggestion I guess. Sorry if this is bad to you.

Reply
Papabear
4/6/2013 03:05:22 am

Hi, Random,

And to my readers, I want to say that you should always feel free to disagree with one of my columns. I will never delete a comment on this site unless it is clearly racist, prejudiced, or otherwise highly offensive, which the above comments from Random are not.

That being said, I would reiterate my statement that suicide is a selfish act. With the exception of someone who is terminally ill and in extreme pain or brain dead (and I've always agreed with Dr. Kevorkian's opinion on that basis), killing oneself is like giving the biggest middle finger of all time to your family and friends. I feel that, as someone who has been there, people who haven't been in that position saying that suicide is a viable option is like old men in Congress telling women they have no rights to their reproductive organs. When I wrote the above column, though, I knew that it would be a bit controversial and welcome all opinions here.

As for finding friends outside the family, yes, it is a great thing to do and, yes, you will have to leave the family at some point, make your way into the world, and, hopefully, find friends there. My comments to Animosh were in regard to his particular case where he had friends who were quite hostile to his being bi and a furry. Those friends, I asserted, should be dumped in favor of his sister and father who actually love and care about him. I apologize if that didn't come through in my response.

Thanks!
Papabear

Reply
Random
4/6/2013 02:55:46 pm

"killing oneself is like giving the biggest middle finger of all time to your family and friends."

It's not exacly like that. Unless it's really for that purpose. But the only cause is that it will cause someone who don't want someone to leave to be upset. And that right there sounds a little "selfish" only if they attack them and call there act selfish because the person who put thoughts over a person didn't like it. Kind of know what I mean?

I also found a debate about this asking if it was, most said no and read some, and they make good points.

Thinking only about your self isn't selfish, it's only if you think about your self and put that over others I think or maybe if you were a little rude from some work other people already did. Of course, in fact as long if you have the golden rule then you already made the basic care, and that's by not forcing thoughts over others for example. ;)

_

Anyway as for the other, thanks for the reply.

And thanks for not calling my post offensive, but I was only worried is that it could effect something major, so in case it did, I was suggesting it if it did cause anything "bad" I think.

Random
4/5/2013 08:08:32 pm

Umm Ignore that link I guess, I just found it and it was sort of strange. Of course anyone can ignore it.

Reply
Critter link
4/6/2013 03:34:04 am

Given the prevalence of depression in the furry community the topic is important.

I don't believe whether or not suicide should be viewed as a selfish act is that important. What is important is to reach out to those people who feel totally alone and that they have no way out and let them know they are not alone and there is a way forward towards a better life.

The website mentioned by Random actually looks like a positive resource.

I was struck by a quote on the front page:

"virtually every person that I have talked with who attempted suicide, and survived, was glad that they lived."

I have heard this from other sources, and it should be an inspiration to anyone in a bad place: it's better to live.

Reply
Papabear
4/6/2013 03:45:40 am

I would agree with that, Critter! I would have missed out on 29 (so far) years of life had I been successful.

Perhaps the headline on this particular column is not the best. Really, this letter is more than just about suicide. It is about the writer's not understanding where his sister and other family members are coming from, and my response was an attempt to try to jar him into realizing what he was doing to other people and to think about them. Perhaps a big fail on Papabear's part?

Reply
Critter
4/6/2013 10:12:05 am

I don't think it was a fail at all! My family was touched by suicide recently and it's amazing how far the ripples spread. Reminding someone that it will affect those who love them is not a bad thing.

The loss just seems so tragic to me. I'm glad you weren't successful, Papabear, and I really feel the world needs Animosh in it as well.

Eyon
4/6/2013 10:14:40 am

Me too Papabear. I'm glad you're here. I don't think the community would be the same with such a loveable bear in it.

Eyon
4/6/2013 10:00:12 am

I agree with you PapaBear. You may seem confused, but that's no reason to cut off the ones you love. Both you and my dad say that Suicide is a selfish act, and I believe it is. I tried it once to, but then I realized I have a life to live, I need to stop looking at all the negatives. I lost a friend because I am a furry. If you don't appreciate me for who I am, then you can F*ck off.
Think about it this way, you're loved by others, and there is more to life than pain, There's a lot of little things out there to be happy about. Be happy you don't have cancer, that you still have a loving Father and Sister, You live under a roof and not in a 3rd world country. Try to stay on the positive side. Suicide is not the answer, It's the easy way out for you, and only hurts others.

Reply



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