Dear Papa Bear,
Hello! My name is Coffee, and I am in my first relationship. I don't really know if it is a very official relationship. It was a bit sudden. It started when in a discord vc we got married as a joke and it was all fun and stuff. The day after he asked me if I would like to go on a date and date him. I had never really dated anyone before, I mean you could count kindergarten dates but I don't, and so I was pretty stunned that this would happen. He's a nice guy and he cares about me, but I don't know. I'm not sure if I like him as much or in the same way he likes me. The guy, let's call him Jake, I think likes me quite a bit. The problem is we live quite far apart. We have 13 hours between us, and so it can be a bit difficult keeping up with each other. This is not to say we haven't tried like working it out I guess, we had our date (we went on a movie night) and are planning to go on another one. However I don't whether this is fair for him, or I guess myself. He deserves being with someone that cares about him as much as he cares about them, and I guess I do too, which I think is a bit selfish. I'm not sure what to do. I kind of want to break up with him because I'm not as into the relationship as I would want to be, but I really don't know how to go about it. Do I vc him? Text him? I feel like it would be best to do it over vc but I don't know if I'm up to it. If I was given more time with him to really get to know him maybe I'd like him more but IDK. I apologize for this brain dump, I realize it might be all over the place but that's just how my mind is working through this problem right now.
Coffee (age 17)
I submitted a question about my relationship situation around a week ago and I wanted to remind you of it. I also wanted to tell you of some recent developments! I got some advice from a friend of mine that the next time my boyfriend (?) (I forgot what I called him in the last letter so I'll call him Wolfie) and I had a date that I should see how I feel after the date and break it to him. I'm grateful for her advice, and I trusted that she had my best intentions in mind. We have been friends for a couple of years now and we've helped each other through some hard times. Well, Wolfie and I were having a doodling date that night, so I made myself some coffee and put a little liquid courage in it before heading up and getting on VC. 40 minutes into the date he started kinda asking questions, and I told him how I felt. It might have been the extra ingredient in my coffee or my guilt but what I had struggled to tell him in previous conversations just spilled out. He understood where I was coming from and, albeit close to tears, told me that it was alright and that he would be willing to wait for as long as I needed. I thought, and still think, that Wolfie has a heart of gold and everything and that he loves me, but I guess this is the same problem as the one you discussed in your latest "He Wants to Hear I Love You Back" letter, but in the opposite person's view. I haven't felt a spark and we haven't spent much time together, and so I'm really not sure how to go about this. I've only ever had 2 crushes in my life, both of which were because the guy was extremely cute/handsome and neither of which were romantic. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I explained to Wolfie that I felt guilty in keeping him from finding someone who loved him like he loves me, but he insisted that he could be patient.
I hadn't really thought about it, but this new development has kinda made me question my romantic orientation. Am I demi? Am I aro? I've tried to read up on the romantic spectrum, and a lot of the aromantic stuff says that aromantics don't have an instinctual want for a romantic relationship, so I don't think I'm aro because I still feel the need to be held and still have some want for a relationship maybe way down the line. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm demi simply because my thoughts around relationships always were centered around the question of sexuality, and not so much romanticism.
I hope that this information will maybe help you keep a clearer picture of my situation.
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You're overthinking this with regard to your sexual/romantic orientation. The reason you're having a hard time connecting romantically to Wolfie/Jake is simple: distance. You are 13 hours apart, right? Your relationship is mostly via the phone and the computer. This is a fairly new development in human relationships, so there is still much debate on social media and among sociologists and psychologists as to how feasible and practical LDRs really are. If you want Papabear's opinion, a relationship with little or no physical contact is lacking an essential ingredient that will leave both parties wanting. They simply are not satisfying.
Is it possible that, in the future, the two of you will be living in close proximity? If not, my opinion is that you are better off just being friends and that, in addition, this has no relevance to your romantic orientation. That is something you can only figure out when you've had a couple relationships of a physical nature (not meaning sex necessarily, but human beings need touch, hugs, kisses). If you do plan on living near each other or even with each other at some point, then have patience until that comes along and perhaps don't break it off just yet. Young people are always in such a hurry to make decisions about their lives that really should not be rushed into. You have time.
Hope this helps.
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