Sometimes, Even Well-Intentioned Humor Is Not Appropriate

Dear Papabear,

I'm currently making plans for coming out as homo-romantic to my mum. About a year ago, in possibly the most awkward car-conversation we've ever had, I told her about my asexuality, and she's okay with it. Not overjoyed, not disgusted, just along the lines of "I've never heard of it before, but it's nothing to be ashamed about".

I still consider myself ace, but I definitely seem to be finding I have a more romantic connection to men than I once thought, so I'm now making plans to come out as homo-romantic to her. She leads an extremely busy life with very little time to herself, so I'm going to wait until we have a calm moment together, completely by ourselves with no distractions, before telling her about it.

But here's the thing....

After a string of bad ex-husbands, she's always joked that she wants "a tall, dark, handsome, gay toy-boy who's a chef and has a fetish for feet". I'm average height, dark haired and skinned, the youngest of her kids, I work in a kitchen (albeit doing most of the non-cooking related jobs), and whilst I don't have an especially big thing for feet, I'm not that bad at massages.

Seeing as I match many of the qualities mum says she'd want in a man, I'm wondering if I should use this to help lighten the mood when I eventually come out to her. I don't really think of myself as a funny person, but I do think this is a very funny coincidence, and I'm thinking that using humour might help to make it easier for her to accept. I've tried googling to see whether or not this would be a good idea, but no answers there.

I'm about 90% sure she'll accept me liking men. Despite the fact she's had some bad experiences with LGBT folk who've abused her kindness (one gay man in particular who stole £100 worth of our stuff and never got caught), she does talk to an LGBT person if they approach her, and we also watch quite a few LGBT shows together (one of our favourites is a sitcom called Boy Meets Girl. about a cisgender man dating a transgender woman, whom of which is acted by a MFT transgender comedienne).

So, what do you think? Should I use a little bit of humour when I eventually tell her about my attraction for men? I know it's going to have to come out eventually, but I'd like to think I could make the experience a little less painless by making it a little more funny.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Anonymous

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Dear Furiend,

No, I don't think it would be appropriate or very funny to suggest, even humorously, that you could be her gay boy toy chef. I think that would seriously make the conversation more uncomfortable for her. I know it would for me if I were her. The reason for this is that, quite frequently, humor isn't about untruths; it is about truth--often painful truths--being dealt with in a humorous way to ease tension. This is why masterful comedians and comediennes can talk about things like sex, racism, politics, and even violence in a humorous way that actually helps people get a new perspective on life. (There is also unsophisticated humor, such as slapstick and foul language, that appeals to children and dense people, but the best humorists are the type I mentioned earlier, with the most sophisticated humor being satire.) Therefore, the implication of your jest would be, subtextually, that you actually could fill that boy toy role.

Secondly, I don't think it's all that necessary to have a sit-down with your mom about being asexually, romantically attracted to men. First of all, and correct me if I'm wrong, you don't even have a serious relationship with a man on this level yet, do you? Secondly, it will probably be a long time until you do because there are not many men out there who want an asexual, romantic relationship, so why bring it up now? It's a non-issue for the time being. I think you're getting ahead of yourself here. You already had the asexual conversation with your hard-working mum, so give her more time to digest that and get comfortable with it before you spring the next thing on her.

Hugs,
Papabear