Dear Papa Bear,
(First and foremost, I apologize if this may seem slightly jumbled and rant-ish, my dyslexia has been kicking in quite a bit during the time of writing this, and despite re-reading it many times over I'm unsure if I remembered to include everything or if this can properly explain the situation.)
Upon a recent breakup with a mate, I have begun to reflect and realize my instability within proper relationships towards others. Before I get into any further depth, I will state that all goes well with my ex-mate; we are still good friends and had a clean breakup, so nothing from that would be influencing my thoughts.
I feel that in the end, regardless of the relationship, that I eventually push the person away from myself. I've never been a super cuddly snake, and doubt that will ever change to accommodate a mate’s personal preference; this, however, of course, is not to say that I would refuse the emotional loving attention. I have always just never preferred them. To be honest, I feel within a relationship that physical, sexual intimacy is one of the few things that keep mine thriving. My libido has always been high, since the beginning of puberty, although it seems to be getting more and more out of hand. When it comes to my relationships, I feel that if there is no sex within it, that somehow I am in a way not being “wanted” for within the relationship. It's almost like my version of a date.
It's always rinse and repeat for me, and while I understand that this is not at all the way relationships work, for some reason it's just happened to work out this way. I feel this has taken a worse turn too, which I will certainly explain in a few moments. With the libido comes the fact that I absolutely loathe being alone. I am aware again that no fur, or average society doobhop, needs a mate in order to be complete, just something about having a mate makes me feel wanted. I've always been happy in all of my relationships, pushing myself to try my best to do what I felt was in my comfort zone to accommodate and display affection towards my mate; and in the most, I've only ever had one that I wanted to break off for my own personal reasons; all others have been because I felt the mate was not doing the best they could, and to help with their happiness within life.
My fears have escalated to the point where I feel uncomfortable becoming how I truly need to be to help within my life. When I say this, I think I need to explain a little bit. I am a transgendered fur, biologically female, however transferring to male, who identifies as a homosexual male. I can easily see how this limits my potential mates within the world, drastically, to the point of where I’m paranoid of becoming alone in life. This paranoia has led to me finding myself almost wanting to deny my transfers, simply for future happiness, although I’m aware that this denial will lead to my outlook worsening. Something I doubt I can afford with the fact that I am mildly depressed, and fighting that along with my self-loathing brought on by this issue.
I'd have to say how I can become more able to handle and maintain a relationship without feeling that physical intimacy is needed, as well as how to handle/be more receptive towards emotional intimacy without it feeling like a lost cause.
Apologies on the jumble of text. I wrote it while going through a more emotional time and therefor may have been almost ranting at the time?
In best regards,
* * *
Wow, this is one of the most confusing letter Papabear has read; no wonder you are confused, too. Okay, if I have this right, you:
Although you say your last relationship ended without drama, your inability to maintain a relationship indicates things are not ideal. Break ups are caused by one of three things: there is something wrong with your bf or gf that you can’t tolerate, there is something wrong with you that makes relationships difficult, OR there is a PERCEPTION that something is wrong with one or the other party that is not reflective of reality.
In your case, I believe the problem to be #3. You believe yourself, for one reason or another, to be unlovable or unworthy of love for reasons I cannot fathom based on your letter alone. Perhaps there are some childhood issues behind this that you have not revealed.... The reason, at this point, does not matter so much. The cure is to learn to accept yourself for who you are. This is about the most difficult task a person can face. It is one that yours truly is still struggling with.
The answer for you is not to teach you to be more cuddly or have less of a libido; the answer is to accept yourself and your needs for what they are. Stop apologizing for yourself and have the courage to say, “This is who I am and this is what I enjoy.” If your fondest desire is to be a male homosexual, then that is what you should be. Don’t retreat from that dream because you think it will be harder to find a mate, because if you do you will end up resenting that mate because he prevents you from being your true self.
The same goes for setting up standards and expectations for a mate. If you are rejecting people because they don’t meet your ideals of perfection, then you are going to be lonely for the rest of your life. Nobody is perfect. You need to accept those imperfections and look for the heart inside the other person.
When your next love interest comes along, tell them from the beginning who you are and what you want in a partner. This will save you a lot of time if he doesn’t want the same things or, at least, something close to the same things. Don’t demand the world from your partner, and you should expect the same from him.
It’s quite possible that if you learn to relax around your new partner and set aside expectations other than love and support for one another, you will find yourself more open to emotional intimacy. Your focus will become more about the spiritual, mental, and emotional bond than the physical bond, although that should remain important.
In short, you need to be less snake and more bear. Learn to relax, learn to be yourself, and learn not to overanalyze yourself, your mate, or your relationship. The happy relationship is the accepting relationship.
Hope that helps. Good luck! Wishing you love!
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