Dear Papa Bear,
Recently, I've undergone some rather distressful situations regarding my mate and his ex mate. When we first met he told me all about her and, to put it simply, he painted a really nasty picture of her. He's told me she was psychotic, manipulating, and just evil. To add the cherry on top, they had a cub together that she said that she would deny the cubs true father (my mate). My mate made me hate this bitch with almost all of my being. This was almost a year ago, and now things have gone topsy turvy for me. For future reference, my mate is an otter, his ex is a mongoose.
The mongoose had lost her mate due to possibly cancer and called my mate for comfort. It was a great loss to him, as well, as he was a really close friend to him. They both grieved, and soon they began, at first, some rather tense conversation with each other. It didn't worry me at first as it was a loss to the both of them and I wouldn't want to hinder my mate's mourning by asking him not to speak with her. As time went on, the calls and conversations with each other became less tense and more frequent. They would talk to each other for hours, sometimes to late in the night. This, naturally, began to bother me a tiny bit. I started speaking about his frequent calls and reminding him of the nasty image he gave me of [her]. He tells me he was trying to be on good terms with her to see his cub, a means to an end. This was ok with me as I would never want to take away his chance to meet his cub for the first time, and I probably wouldn't see them getting any closer.
Fast forward to situation two.
The mongoose ends up messing with a rather abusive Gorean (I'm sure you've heard of them [Papabear note: Goreans, to be brief and simplistic, are people who are often into slave/master relationships, though there are other aspects of this belief system that have nothing to do with slavery] and it's gone to the point where she was drugged by her apparent friends and moving to court to put this douche bag in prison. My mate gets very involved with this. Again this turns to more late night calls; this starts to bother me even more, but I hold it back because apparently this Gorean might be after his cub and I didn't want to voice my displeasure. Court date comes and he's put in prison for life, hurrah. I began to notice their conversations began to be more friendly. This riles me on the inside, as I thought, or rather hoped, there would be no closer of a connection.
Forward to situation three
Things take a bad turn as the mongoose shows her uglier side (the side I'm familiar with) by threatening to never show my mate his cub unless he leaves me to move in with her and be a father. He denies her, and after about a couple of hours' silence, she calls back to apologize and apparently respects his happiness to be with me. Me hearing this, my hatred for this mongoose is rekindled and any possibility of me getting along with her existence is shut down, ignoring the apparent fact that he was willing to give up his cub to be with me.
The two speak at least once or twice a day. My mate now is able to speak with his cub for the first time (I was rather gleeful myself at this) but now things are just ... as said in the beginning, topsy-turvy. My mate starts talking about possibly having me and this mongoose meet, since we apparently have some aspects in common. Number one aspect, we do not like each other. She doesn't like me because I'm with the otter (note: I have done NOTHING to her, I wasn't even allowed to communicate with her, I haven't spoken, met, or even know what she looks like.) and I don't like her because of her action against him and her back story.
The otter tries to play peacemaker and offers me an opportunity to speak to her by handing me his phone while talking to her in one of their many conversations. I say "hi," the phone clicks off. She wasn't too happy to hear from me. Despite all of this in this letter, my mate wants me to clean the slate of everything about this mongoose. He even is talking about going to California to have this little tattoo party with a friend of his along with his ex. The kicker is, I can't go with him. This just about tipped me over the edge, and on top of that he wishes to continue an erotic novel that has his characters and hers in it, witch I don't like in the slightest because I feel like if he's going to be with me for life then I do have rights to his fursonas, as well, and I'm the type of furry that doesn't like to share fursonas of my significant other. But the thing is I wouldn't mind if it was with any other female, it's just this mongoose. It's driving me crazy, I was told she was vile and evil and now he wants me to be on peaceful terms with her? To do these fun things with her without me? Am I being overly possessive and jealous or do my feelings have any validation? Please help me, papa bear, I don't know what to do or feel anymore. I’m tired of feeling guilty over these feelings. And I'm tired of arguing with my mate about being possessive over him and being accused of not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him; it's that I don't trust HER. Just, what should I do, papa bear? What's your advice?
Thanks for Reading.
A wrongfully jealous wolfess???
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Yours is a rather complicated problem, but to save you from a lot of initial reading, the brunt of my message will be this: no, you are not being unreasonable if you are jealous. Completely understandable. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You have every right to feel the way you do.
Now for more details. The first question that pops into this bear’s mind is, “How can mongoose deny otter the right to see his own child? Paternity is not in question here, is it? Unless a judge has ruled otherwise in court, otter has every right to be a part of his cub’s life, and if mongoose is denying that right, then otter needs to get an attorney and force her to allow him to see his cub. If the situation is particularly bad, he might even consider taking her to court to get custody.
To continue: that at the beginning of your relationship with otter he would trash mongoose completely is understandable, since they had just broken up. He was very hurt, so he painted the ugliest picture of her that was probably worse than reality. But judging by her actions she’s certainly not the most stable and trustworthy of people, either. First of all, there is the crap about her not allowing her cub’s own father see his child, then she exercised extremely poor judgment in bringing the Gorean into the picture, which put her own child at risk. That little episode alone would be cause for otter to go to court and get custody of his cub.
But now your mate is the one showing poor judgment in bringing his ex back into the picture. If he is doing this because he is worried about not being able to see his cub, then see my remarks above. Based on your letter, though, there seems to be more interest there than just his paternity investment, and doing things like planning a trip to a tattoo party in California (apparently, this means going to another state for him) and you’re not invited is a huge alarm you were right to pick up on. Also, his notion that you and his ex can be friends is a bit offbase, to put it mildly, and his request that you just forget about the past and start with a clean slate is patently ridiculous given mongoose’s behavior. It’s pretty clear that his ex is making moves on him again, though otter is either obliviously naive about her motivations or so desperate about the cub situation that he is willing to turn a blind eye to mongoose.
So, what do you do? First of all, you need to get him to resolve the legal question about his cub. Because it doesn’t sound to Papabear like anyone has done this, I highly recommend that otter talk to a lawyer about his legal rights here. My instinct is that a lawyer, upon hearing some of this, will be shocked and might recommend that the father sue for custody. Here’s a link where you might start: http://www.legalhelplawyers.com/child-custody.
While that is being resolved, you need to communicate to otter that you are not okay with his relationship with his ex, even if she is the mother of his child. You are not okay with his traveling to another state to be with this woman, especially if you are not allowed to go, and you have no interest in being chummy with her. Talk to otter and ask him if he is doing these things because he thinks mongoose can keep his child from him. If that’s the case, then see the link above. But if it’s because he seriously wants this woman in his life again, then put your hind paw down right now and let him know that under no circumstances are you going to be happy with that and if he wants you as a mate he is going to have to rethink his relationship with mongoose right now.
The one minor point I would dispute you on is your assertion that you have “rights” to his fursona. You do not. Those rights belong to him in this case. However, that he would write about his fursona and hers in a story shows some considerable insensitivity for your feelings on his part.
I hope this clears some things up for you, Wolfess, and that it helps you to decide what to do next. Please let me know if this helps and if you need any more advice.
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