Should He Try and Repair an Old Relationship with His BF, or Start Anew with a GF?

Dear PapaBear,

I never would have thought I would have actually gotten the time to write you, however I read every one of your letters.... But as of right now, I'm feeling more confused than I ever have in my life.

I have always identified myself as bisexual, however I have always had a preference for men.... There's only been one woman in my life who I've ever shared an interest with and that is because she can read me like a book and is currently my best friend.

Now I've been in this on and off relationship with another man for 5 years long distance. Lately, we've just been fighting more and more over the most petty things and I feel like our love is falling apart. It's literally one of the most painful things in the world because we've always thought we would share a future together. And we can still see it, but lately I feel as if I'm the only one who's put effort into the relationship...And me bringing this up only brings more fighting to begin with, but if I let it go, he thinks I don't care any more...which naturally LEADS TO MORE FIGHTING.

Now putting all of this aside, last night ... I had the opportunity to actually sit down with my best friend. She is in an abusive relationship and we've both come to the conclusion that her boyfriend is an absolute scumbag. I don't want to get into too much detail because that's not doing anyone any good, but long story short, their lives are intertwined because of her college life+family life+bills which her family is trying to catch up on ... yadda yadda ... AKA it's just a terrible situation.

I'd go into more detail with her boyfriend, but I feel like this would drag on this letter much more than it needs to.

Last night, she wound up breaking down after she realized what an asshole her boyfriend's been lately and she cried into my chest...After about 30 minutes of talking, I wound up kissing her on the cheek before dropping her off at her house, which she didn't oppose at the time.

My question is ... what should I do? I am still madly in love with my "boyfriend" (he doesn't want to identify himself as this, but trust me ... he knows he's my boyfriend, since he's my ex and we're already confirmed to seeing each other in a matter of months.... But I've been in love with my best friend since High School and after what happened last night, I haven't been able to drop it...

I just feel ... stuck.

Perplexed Vaporeon

* * *

Dear Perplexed,

Since you have read a lot of my letters, you know my position on LDRs. You mention you are making plans to see your boyfriend, and that’s good. I don’t know whether this will be your first IRL meeting, but it’s clear to me that your relationship needs some maintenance. Oftentimes, when people in a relationship are under stress, it can cause frayed nerves, and tempers flare. My guess is that this is what is happening between you and your bf. You see, you’ve been “together” for five years and I would bet that you are both getting frustrated by your inability to be physically closer, even to consummate your relationship. Your bf is denying that the two of you are boyfriends, and I can see why: he probably looks at it the way I do in that LDRs are not true relationships; they are a bizarre anomaly of a modern world that creates the illusion of intimacy through technology.

What you need to do is actually BE with your boyfriend. If I may be so crude, sounds to Old Bear like the two of you need a good mutual boffing. If you have not made love yet (and I don’t mean role play online), you will be quite amazed how the flood of endorphins will soothe both of you and make you much happier. A physical relationship is extremely important in any healthy coupling. So, go boff your bf, and then spend some time with him doing things that are fun. Really share your time together. Don’t even talk about the troubles you’ve been having; focus on sharing a part of your lives together. Then, after you have both been sufficiently primed, you can talk for a bit about more serious stuff. This will do wonders for both of you.

Now, as for your dear female friend. You are a wonderful person for being there in her time of need and giving her comfort. She has a lot to work out, and I would say that making “a move” on her and upping the ante on your relationship would really cause a lot of damage and is not a wise choice, for her or for you. For her because she already has enough on her plate trying to straighten out what is going on with her boyfriend, family, finances, etc. She doesn’t need a lover, she needs a friend, so be that friend. Also, as you said yourself, while you are bi, you prefer men, and so even if you established a closer relationship she would have to be able to deal with the fact that, at least sometimes, you’re probably going to want to play around with a male or two (I'm not saying that bi people are incapable of monogamy, but I am saying that, given what you told me, your yearning for a man will likely affect your relationship with a female because you prefer men). Can she deal with that? That’s a big question, and one that could also cause her more grief than she needs right now.

For you, it’s because what I’m seeing here is another case of transference (I’ve written about this before). You’re probably transferring your need for some physical intimacy and tenderness that you are currently unable to get from your bf onto her. Not to say that you don’t truly care for her, and, since you are bi, can’t have an intimate relationship with her, but is that really what you want? Can you imagine yourself with this girl in a committed relationship? You don’t sound very sure of this, yet you do indicate a longing to plan for a future with your boyfriend.

My recommendation would be to try and repair and heal your relationship with your boyfriend first before possibly considering a relationship with your girl buddy. Be there for her as a friend as you have been, and never underestimate the value of a good friendship; they are priceless and rare and to be cherished. But don’t complicate your gf’s life right now by adding yourself in as a love interest. That, I predict, would cause you and her both a lot of stress and grief, at least at this point.

Try that first, and get back to me if you have more questions.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear